I’m Dreaming of…..

So I’m sitting in front of my happy light crying…..how ironic is that?

I do believe that I’m about due for that whole monthly thing within the next week (I apologize if that’s TMI for ya) but even knowing that doesn’t really make me feel that much better.

I don’t feel Christmas-y AT ALL!  I’ve been going through the motions, trying to convince myself that “I’m SO EXCITED that its Christmas time”  because….well….because I typically LOVE Christmas and maybe, just maybe I can convince myself into being happy and excited about Christmas instead of just wishing it were over already!

This is a tough year.  We are still in the trenches of our fight against cancer, but the intensity of the situation has lifted just enough that we can look around a little and breathe.  In some ways, that feels just as bad as when we were in the thick of it all and all we could really concentrate on was just getting through the day.  At least then, we didn’t really have the time or energy to see what we “were” or “were not” doing.  We were just trying to do our best and to “exist” through a very tough time.  Not that I have a lot of time or energy right now, but I do have a little bit more than I did back then…..YAH for small victories….sorta!

I was listening to the radio as I drove the kids to school this morning and a story came on about a little boy who was diagnosed with Leukemia when he was 4.  He’s now five and the the radio station was raising money to help make this an amazing Christmas for him and his family.  They mentioned the part where he’s been in treatment for the past year and that he has another 2 years of treatment to go…..My first throught was…..That’s horrible!  That’s such a long time. My second thought was…..Oh Yah!  That’s where we are at!

We don’t have to go through two more years of treatment, but we do have to go through another year of treatment and it’s tough.  I cried for that little boy’s family.  I know what they are feeling.  I know how tough it’s been for them.  I cried for our family.  It’s been a tough year and a half.

And so I cry.  I try to pull myself together.  I turn my Happy Light on and dream of sunshine and warm beaches…..

And then I’ve got to go and work on this……

Mount Laundry

Because it won’t fold itself, eh?

“Me” time….

It’s is short order around here.

But, the baby is asleep and the house is a COMPLETE DISASTER.  I need to pick up toilet paper and I must ship out some orders.  (thanks for your support – you guys are amazing!)

I’m trying to figure out how to have or take some “ME” time.  I think that it’s so important to be able to have time to recharge and relax and de-compress and yet….it’s tough.

I remember these years when you have littles around far to well.  When it was just Josiah, it seemed SO MUCH EASIER, but somehow the two little ones keep me hopping ALL DAY!

I’m squashing back the “mommy guilt” as I’ve let Josiah play video games this morning.  He’s not been allowed to play on the WII for 2 weeks and he only gets about 1/2 an hour of a show or movie at lunch time and so I know that it’s not bad if he has one “off” day.  I think that the hardest part for me is that he asks so often for the games or movies and I just wish that he’d play more….

There really is not good point to this post…..that’s brutal!

Well, the point is that I’ve got to figure out a way to have some “me” time.  Not sure how, but I know that I must…..

Do you have any suggestions?  Ideas? 

I used to go and do yoga for an hour and half 3 times a week and right now that’s not in the budget, but I’ve got to figure something out.

What I really want and I’m totally dreaming here….I want 2 weeks on a beach in a hot place.  I want to be able to sleep for the first week and then really enjoy the second week. That sounds like an amazing way to recharge, but then again it doesn’t help me with a regular “down time” and I’ve got to figure that out too.

One day…it’ll happen one day, right Jon?

ps.  Have you entered to win in my giveaway?  Right now your odds are really good!

Are You a Winner?

I’m not really loving the fast pace of our lives right now.  I mean, everything is fine and okay and good.  We are trucking along just doing life, but it seems to be moving along at quite a fast pace, and I so much prefer a bit of a slower pace with more “breaks”….maybe I’m just tired and so everything feels more difficult.

I’m not complaining about my life and I hope that’s not what it sounds like.  We just have a million things to do and probably enough time to do them all in….I should just be thankful that we are healthy and that things seem to be holding steady at this pace for right now.

I’ve got a few things to post about here…to record our lives and what’s going on, but for right now…I just wanted to send you over to the Simple Choices Website.

I’m talking about Body Butter and having a giveaway.  I hope you’ll enter to win.

I’m planning on sitting down tonight and pounding out a post.  It’s on my list of “things to do”.  Let’s see how far down that list I get today.

Barking Seals

Not sure what the deal is, but the baby hasn’t slept well in the past three nights and this means that mommy and daddy haven’t slept well in the past three nights.  I’m feeling SO INCREDIBLY DRAGGY this morning.

It doesn’t help that both Jeremy and Josiah sound like they’ve swallowed a family of seals and are hacking and coughing up both lungs.

I just want to crawl back in to bed, but I’ve got to run to the store and pick up some Mullein – it s a herb that is FABULOUS for soothing the respiratory tract and works WONDERS on coughs.

And I’ve also got to mail out a few packages of product for Simple Choices.

My Mom agreed to come and watch my barking seals while I ran around and so as soon as she gets here, I’m off.

I hope you have a good day.

Have you checked out the Simple Choices Products?  And check out the $10 off coupon code……MERRY10……when you buy $20 or more of product.

 

You Rock!

Thank you for your comments and e-mails and Facebook messages.

We have appreciated each and everyone.  It’s great to have so many different perspectives and to hear different ones experiences.

We haven’t made a decision either way.  I’m so conflicted but in the mean time…

The school has gone to bat for Jeremy and is showing through their actions just how much they care for him.  The Vice Principal called me yesterday and asked if I was okay with her talking with his class about respect and if I was okay with her using Jeremy as an example.  I said that it would be okay.  I figured that if it got worse….then we’d pull him.  If it gets amazing better, then YAH!

She called me this morning and talked about what steps the school is taking.  They did talk with the class about respect and about harm….about not harming other people with words or actions.  They also spoke with a few other classes (some of the children bothering Jeremy are in other classes) about the Quebec Teen who was bullied.  I really hope that the outcome is compassion as opposed to derision.

The school really seems to be taking this whole situation seriously.  I have to admit to a whole bunch of guilt in not dealing with this before now…this is the third year that Jeremy has been complaining about the same group of kids.  Obviously Geli was the highest priority last year, but still…..

The Vice Principal mentioned that Jeremy seems less stressed today than he did yesterday (we ran into her when we went past the school to pick up some of his work) or the day before and this is a good thing.

He slept so good last night and actually slept in this morning.  I really do think that the day off really helped to calm him down. He hadn’t been able to get to sleep and was waking up earlier and earlier stressing about school.

On top of him calling home stressed about being bullied, he’s also been calling home saying that his meds aren’t working or wondering if he forgot to take him meds….Yesterday he had no problems focusing when it was necessary.  I actually think that the stress of everything was causing him to be so distracted and was hindering him from being able to focus.  So far, I’ve had no calls home and I’m expecting him home in about an hour.  The no calls home is a very good thing.

I don’t think that this situation has magically resolved itself, but I do hope that we are headed in the right direction.

And my baby just woke up and so I’m off…. have a great rest of the day!

 

I just don’t know……

What a day it’s been today and it’s only 12:45pm……CRAZY!

Right now, Jeremy and Josiah are outside for a little “Daily Physical Activity”, Judah is sleeping on the couch and I’m taking a moment for myself.

I kept Jeremy home from school today because I figured he needed a “Mental Health Day”.  He’s been having some social difficulties at school and I’m concerned about him.  Because of the severity of ADHD, there is a lot of “social conduct” that Jeremy has not learned.  There are so many things that he just doesn’t “get” and it’s so hard because between him not understanding what is socially acceptable and unacceptable and him being “different” it can get him into social situations that look a lot like bullying.  Not where he is bullying, but where he is being bullied.

I was talking with Jon yesterday about this and just comparing it to rape.  Obviously, that is a bad comparison, but when it comes down to it….no woman “asks or deserves” to be raped and no child “asks or deserves” to be bullied…..regardless of what they do or do not do.

Jeremy is different.  I will be the first to acknowledge that.  Jeremy often makes awkward social choices without understanding how others will perceive him.  He is not aware of how his actions come across or how they are inappropriate.  And yet, the way he is currently being treated is not okay.  Something has to change.

I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.  I don’t want him to “quit”.  I don’t want him to “give up”.  This is not something that he should just “suck up” and “get over”.  There are more and more kids committing suicide over bullying these days and while I don’t believe that is something that I need to worry about with Jeremy…..I don’t ever want it to get to the place where he might ever contemplate that.  I want to advocate for him before it ever got anywhere close to that.

At the beginning of the year, Jeremy was so excited about school.  He had such a positive outlook on school.  He was excited about his teacher.  He was excited because we were getting his meds tweaked.  He was just really, really excited about school in general.  So much has changed over the last 3 months.  At this point, Jeremy wakes up in the morning and typically the first thing he says to me is that he’s not going to school.  He continues to inform me that he’s not going to school until the moment I drop him off at school.  And then from the minute he walks in the door, he lets me know that he hates school and that he’s not going back the next day…..He’s called me twice within the last week during the day to let me know that he’s stressed out and needs to come home.  I don’t think that he’s being bullied the entire time that he’s at school, but I do think that the stress is wearing on him and making it difficult to focus and concentrate.

He called me yesterday crying and last night he fell apart.  And so…..I told him that he could have a Mental Health day. He calmed a bit after that.

He is aware that he is going back to school tomorrow and today has not just been a free for all.  I have contemplated home schooling him before.  I have just as many pros as cons for doing it and for not doing it.  It’s a tough call and ultimately I want to be able to do what is best for Jeremy while taking our family into consideration.

I see that there are things that are so beneficial for example….he’s got a science test coming up and we were studying for that.  I was able to help him find the key points and we were able to talk through some of the issues that he didn’t fully understand.  I had the ability to walk him through something one on one….and that I can see as totally beneficial.  The down side to that, is that I had the two little boys going NUTS on me while I tried to do this.  And it was a bit of a gong show.  Now, it’s not something that we’ve done before and so I believe that they could learn to do something to entertain themselves which I would like them to do, but there is that factor of them being around to take into the mix. We were also able to play some classical music at the same time and Jeremy does seem to respond to that.  He finds it easier to focus when there is classical music on…not something that they can do as easily in the classroom.

After the science, we worked on his spelling for a bit and I was able to test him orally while he walked around and moved.  He got 14 out of 20 and seemed to really like the fact that he was allowed to move and pace.  I made him print out the 6 words that he got wrong while standing at our kitchen counter…..on a wobble board.  He does so much better when he can move and I think that it was a bonus.

After that, he played with both his brothers for ten minutes while I tidied up the kitchen.  As much as that may seem silly…typically they fight when they play together and my rule was 10 minutes of playing with no fighting.  Learning how to co-operate and problem solve while incorporating three very different age groups into the same activity.  There was only one small squabble and Jeremy handled it very well….learning leadership….

After that we had an art period where we painted.  We talked about how colors can be transparent or opaque and we started to paint some large garden rocks to prep them to become ladybugs.  We talked about doing jobs with excellence especially if you are interested in selling them….he is…and how people want to buy things that are done with excellence.  There is a higher value on well made items.

We cleaned up from our art time and then had lunch.  I loved that Jeremy was able to eat a balanced and healthy lunch.  I took the baby and nursed him to sleep and then shooshed the two boys outside for half an hour of Daily Physical Activity.

They are playing amazingly right now.  Typically all I hear from them is fighting and screaming….so this is a bit of a Christmas miracle.  I don’t know if the fact that everything has been broken down into small chunks of time has made a difference or what, but I like it.

When they come inside, I’ve got some math worksheets for Jeremy to do and then we are going to do 10 minutes of house tidying.  After that I’m going to have them help me with making some cookies and we are going to talk about fractions and multiplication and division wile learning some home ec skills.

I’m also going to have Jeremy write up a journal entry about his day today.

There are so many good aspects of today and yet…I’m still not sure.  What is the right thing to do?  Would homeschooling him for half a year and then sending him back to school be the best thing for him?  Would changing schools help?  Would just sticking it out, be the best thing?  What is the best thing for him?  Is there even a “best thing” or do we just make a choice and go with it and believe that whatever we choose will work?

What do we do about the whole social skills thing?  Obviously I could work on it with him at home, but it that the best thing??? Is it better to have an entire school to muddle through these things with?  Is he really going to grow up to be in a position where he is in a huge group of people all the time or is there a greater likelihood that he winds up in a more solitary job?  Does he need  peace for his own mental good and what gives him the greatest amount of peace?  I don’t know all the answers to my questions and that’s tough on me.

I like to know.  I like to have a plan and for this…..I’m unsure.  I don’t want to romanticize something and yet at the same time, i don’t want to pass something by that could be the best thing for him.  Or it could be the worst thing for him….I just don’t know.

I just don’t know.

And so for now….I just keep encouraging him to forgive. I keep encouraging him to keep his heart soft and to not harden it.  I keep encouraging him to try and try and try again.

 

 

 

 

Gelica’s Christmas List – From Gel

Hey everybody, every year mum gets us to post our x-mas lists so grandparents and other family and friends can see what we want for Christmas, so here’s my list.

– Soft colored pencils
– Kneaded eraser
– 2nd + Narnia books
– 2nd + Percy Jackson and the Olympians books
– Themed Monopoly (but not: M&M, Disney 3rd edition or Monopoly Deal)
– Subway, Starbucks, Chapters, House of James, iTunes and/or mall gift cards
– WHITE, 4TH GEN, 32 GB IPOD TOUCH (OR BLACK)
– Nail polish: light brown, light green, blue, orange, yellow, purple, black, white, hot pink, red and/or other colors
– Stephanie Smith, Gungor, and/or Adventure in Odyssey CDs
– Eye shadow: soft, light colors                                                                                                – Laptop (preferably Mac)

This and That and The Other Thing

I’m not sure why but the baby has started to take a nap on the couch. What I mean is that if I nurse him, he will fall asleep and then if I put him on the couch….he will stay asleep. If I put him into his crib….not so much. This makes no sense to me but if I can have a few minutes without someone whining and clinging to my pants legs…..then I’m just going to go with it.

Sleeping

~*~

I’m EXHAUSTED. I’ve been on the go since November the 13th because I’ve had one thing or another planned. First I was trying to get ready for the Craft Fair, and then I needed to get ready for a Christmas Party/Cookie Swap and I also was feeling quite a bit of stress about doing the whole Hospital/Chemo thing by myself….

Today is more or less a down day except I have to pile ALL the kids into the car and take Geli and Jeremy to see our Family Dr. later this afternoon. It always feels stressful when I have to take all of the kids somewhere especially when there is a fairly good opportunity to act out or misbehave.

~*~

I’m trying to figure out what we are going to do about Christmas this year. With Jon being laid off from work and the lag in getting his next paycheck, things are tight. I’m trying to figure out what I can make – as in homemade gifts – but there is always this guilt that the kids are going to be disappointed. I know that in the grand scheme of things that life and love and togetherness are the most important, but as parents we want to give our children special things, right? I have been talking with the kids about “giving” as opposed to receiving and I do know that things will work out okay. I just seem to do really well when I have a plan; when I know exactly what I’m going to do or what to expect….I’m still trying to figure things out and to be able to do it without feeling frazzled or stressed.

~*~

I’m really trying to eliminate stressors from my life. I want to be able to enjoy life and to not be stressing about too many things on my plate or about all the things that I could or should be doing. It’s not so easy to find the balance and yet I’m really working on it. I’m trying to live within my capabilities and to be able to really enjoy “living” life and not just existing. I’m trying to be present for my family and with my kids. This is also not as easy as it sounds like it could be and yet…I believe it’s doable. I’m also trying to embrace the season that I’m in.

I’m a mom. I have two little boys. I remember how much work it was when I had three little ones (Geli, Xani and Jeremy) because I’m right back in the thick of those early days. Siah is 4 and Judah is 1 and it’s not an easy phase. What I have going for me is that I know that it won’t last forever and that I want to really enjoy this time with them. It’s tough. It’s exhausting. It’s messy. There is a lot of whining and diaper changing and wiping runny noses and cleaning and tidying and doing the same things (like rescuing a child from on top of the table, building block towers, or reading the same 2 books) over and over and over again. There is little sleep and even less “me” time, and yet, when I look at these little boys….at all of my kids, I’m so thrilled that they are mine and I’m awed with the responsibility of raising them. I believe in them and will try my best to raise them to be amazing men and women. It’s a lot of work, but they are worth every bit of time and energy.

~*~

We had our day at the hospital yesterday and for whatever reason, the Oncology clinic was PACKED with kids and parents. At one point every seat was taken, inside and outside of the clinic and there were a TON of parents and kids standing. This meant that the 1 hour appt took 4 hours. Which SUCKS SO BAD! And, the whole deal with Angelica and the itching that she’s been experiencing…..nothing. They don’t believe that it has anything to do with the chemo or anything Oncology related and so we are just to Monitor it. That’s not so cool as far as I’m concerned. I don’t know what to do exactly and I’m just hoping that things will get better and not worse. I’m hoping that Geli will “test the waters” so to speak, tonight and we will see whether or not things are improving, holding steady or getting worse.

Aside from the itching, Angelica is doing okay. She is on the mend, but it taking longer than is normal or expected…..Normal is really not a good term for it….because really, what is normal?

~*~

I’d love it if you’d check out my shop. There are some great products, in there.

Simple Choices

I think the favorite products right now are tied between:

– the Lotion Bar – EVERYONE who has tried it has RAVED about it.
– the Calm Room Spray – it can be sprayed in kids bedrooms to help settle them down
– the Breathe Cream – to help with congestion, due to coughs and colds
– the Refresh Cream – to help with headaches, digestive issues, sore muscles and for a general “pick-me-up”

And everyone seems to LOVE the lip balms….the peppermint seems to be the winner right now.

~*~

I’m hoping to be able to make a gluten-free Gingerbread house with the kids in the next few weeks. We’ve been talking about making small ones. I hope it works out. You can get the MOST AMAZING gingerbread recipe over at Gluten-Free Girl’s website. I made a batch which makes around 72 cookies and my kids have DEVOURED them. I have less than 2 dozen left….they are just that good.

Gingerbread

~*~

Do you have a favorite Christmas Cookie?

I love Whipped Shortbread, and those Gingerbread Cookies up above.

And, the baby just woke up and so I’m done for now…..

Big Day

Today we are headed into BC Children’s Hospital for Angelica’s monthly Chemo appointment.

This is both newsworthy and old news all at the same time.

Angelica will be receiving only one drug injection today. This is her “easy” month. She cycles in 3 month sets. The first two months, she receives an Lumbar Puncture with Chemo into her spinal fluid as well as another drug injected into her blood stream and a oral steroid. On the third month she gets the one drug injected into her blood stream and the steroid, but not the Lumbar Puncture or spinal injected chemo.

All of this is old news to her, and she knows exactly what to expect from today’s appointment.

On the other hand, I have no clue what I am doing.

Jon has done the gross majority of the chemo visits while I stayed home with the babies. Because Jon is working, I am the one who must take Geli in. My sister will be watching my boys and it should be a 3 hour trip – travel time included – from when we leave the house until we get home…..barring any problems or issues.

Angelica has been doing well. She is slowly getting stronger and stronger.

Physically, she has not gotten better as fast as she could, mostly because she has not put the extra effort in that it will require to strengthen her weakened and atrophied muscles.

There has been one weird side effect that we have been struggling with recently and that it intense skin itching…..to the point of pain. After she takes a shower or bath, her arms and legs start to itch and because we don’t know why it’s happening we don’t know how to prevent it. We are going to be talking with the Dr. today about this and hopefully they have some idea….

It’s emotionally brutal because she does not want to bathe or shower and obviously that is not an option…she knows that it’s going to itch to the point of pain and then when it starts to itch, she falls apart. It’s tough because we have no idea why this is happening or how to fix it.

I have read a little bit and and we have been trying a few things and it’s possible that they might be helping. We have noticed some improvement, but we will hopefully know more later.

Pray for us today….I’m feeling nervous. I’m sure that everything will be okay, but right now…..yah, I’m nervous.

Community

I had the opportunity this morning to speak with an amazing group of ladies at a church here in Langley.

This church has supported us in so many incredible ways and I was so thankful for the opportunity to “give back” and to share some of our story and some of my story.

I had 15 minutes to share on community and our walk through life with others.

I used 3 key points that I shared from.

– Shame and Fear will trap us and keep us isolated and feeling alone.
– Vulnerability and Authenticity are the keys to building relationship and community
– Knowing your True Worth is the key to allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of others.

I shared on how in the past, my insecurities (read that as Shame and Fear) kept me from wanting to be in relationship with other people. About 7 years ago, We went to this amazing church out in Abbotsford that challenged that belief that I had about myself. They challenged me to see myself the way that God sees me, to see that I am worth being accepted and loved and supported and encouraged. Slowly I started to believe that I was worth more than I was believing about myself. I wanted to live in relationship and community with people and to not be isolated.

In my own personal journey, I had taken many steps forward away from Shame and Fear and Isolation and then, last June, Angelica was diagnosed with Cancer. My world shrunk down and for a year I was in basically a forced isolation within my house. I realized that I didn’t like the isolation. Somewhere along my journey, I had gotten some emotional healing and grown to the point that I liked being in community and it took a forced isolation to really cement it home in my life that I WANT TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY AND RELATIONSHIP and not in isolation.

During the past year, I realized that I could not handle the pressure and stress of what we were going through alone and after fighting against shame and fear…..I reached outside of myself. I was vulnerable and I asked for help.

The response was incredible and overwhelming.

We received enough help that I felt like I could finally breathe again. It was overwhelming and quite literally a life saver.

Without starting to grasp a hold of the concept that I was worth being accepted and love and supported….if I hadn’t started to realize that I was worthy of all of those things….I would have never been able to ask for help. I would have never been able to open up and say that I was less than perfect. I would never have been able to admit that couldn’t handle it all on my own. But in being vulnerable and open about myself and our situation…..I received even more than I had asked for.

In our society today, we are so busy and there are so many opportunities to hide behind our insecurities and fears and as a result, be, or at the very least “feel” alone. I also believe that we as people are craving opportunities to connect and to live within community.

Being open, transparent, vulnerable allows others into our lives and in turn, we are then a part of their lives…..building community, building relationships. I’ve found that being open encourages others to also be open which sets the stage for deeper and more meaningful relationships. Vulnerability is not always easy, but it is SO WORTH IT!

You are worth being loved.
You are worth being accepted.
You are worth being supported.
You are worth being encouraged.
You have so much value and worth.

It was amazing to actually meet this group of ladies, to see them face to face and to be able to thank them for all their support and love.

I’m not sure, but I think I was within my 15 minute time frame……I hope! The Music Team sang a fabulous song when I was finished talking and the whole morning just came together so well.

I am SO thankful to be apart of this community. The Community of Walnut Grove, the Alex Hope elementary School and North Langley Community Church…..has supported and blessed us so much and cannot thank you enough.

I’m so grateful to be apart of this amazing community!