Voter Turnout

(post by Jon – don’t blame Patti, and I’m not saying who I voted for or why)

We just had a provincial election in British Columbia.  BC politics is always weird, but this one was off the charts.  ALL major polling authorities had the Liberals (the most right wing party we have at the moment) getting annihilated by the New Democratic Party (the most credible left wing party). Pollsters gave a wide lead to the NDP, but on election day after the votes were cast the Liberals not only won, but gained more seats in an unprecedented reversal of pollsters predictions and now control almost 60% of the provincial legislature.

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This guy must have kicked a bunch of dogs, ’cause he lost.

The other issue that has been talked about at length here is the voter turn out. On election night it was said that only 48% of eligible voters actually made it to the polls.  Later that number was revised to 52%, but still that’s not a lot of democratic involvement.

People blamed the media for overstating the NDP lead, which left people feeling that they didn’t need to vote. People blamed the pollsters and questioned their legitimacy. People flooded call-in radio shows with a wide variety of thoughts on why the vote went the way it did and why the voters are not turning out.  Veterans called in, enraged, to talk about what they fought for. People offered opinions on voting reform, making it easier to have people vote, and even making voting mandatory.

I don’t think we should make it easier to vote at all!

I heard someone speaking recently that stated that democracy was designed for an educated and enlightened people. And for the most part the educated and enlightened people make a point of voting; for this I feel confidence in our system. But what concerns me is that our society and education system is not turning out fully educated and enlightened pupils.  I’m not saying that teachers are doing a bad job. But teachers do face a challenge when it comes to teaching about the economy.

Think about what you know about the economy and how it works.  Now think about where and when you learned that information.  The economy is the pool water that we all share.  When the pool level is up we have enough room for everyone, even if we are not sharing fairly.  Some might have more water, and some might have less water, but all have water to swim in.  Some might take way too much water and intervention might be needed to make them be reasonable, but not at the expense of the total volume of water in the pool.  When the economy tanks, the pool gets drained and we all have less water to share. Picture being in a crowded community pool where it really is too crowded but everyone is swimming.  Then picture about 20 people trying to share a blow-up kiddy pool; doesn’t mater how hard you try, no one is swimming. That’s the economy.  There’s a lot of things that a government can and can’t actually do, but all that I really want is a fair playing field, then I can take care of myself and those around me.

Now think about teachers.  AS A GENERAL RULE (and I know someone is going to point out some great exceptions), teachers start out as students who are not taught about the economy, then they go to school and get their teaching credentials in an environment where socialism rules and the economy is ignored, then they go to work in a fairly safe microcosm of society where jobs are secure, pensions are livable, and the greatest interaction with the economy is buying a house or paying student loans, where interest rates go up and down for some reason. They don’t get involved in investing capital, suffering economic failures, reinvesting windfalls, hiring, firing, or anything else involved in building enterprise or driving the economy.

I don’t fault teachers for this at all, but it does leave a big hole in the education and enlightenment needed to decide who should govern. Most of the people that I know that know anything about the economy (and some of them ARE teachers), learned it through life experience or through involved parents that took the time to share what they know about the topic.

Stats show that people with more life experience are more likely to vote, which at this point means sacrificing some of your time, getting in your car, driving to some designated place, waiting in line, proving who you are and then casting a ballot.  I do not invite the day that youthful inexperience, who knows more about Angelina’s double-mastectomy than politics, can click on a link on their smart phone, authenticate with some digital ID and then cast a ballot for the Rhino Party cause they think it would be funny. I do invite the day that youth at the age of majority, would be willing to stand in line in the rain to cast a ballot for the candidate that they think is best for our society and economy. But regardless, I don’t care what the percentage is; if only 10% of the population is educated and enlightened about what is going on in the world, then I only want 10% to vote. (I am not saying that we should be all right-wing – a bird needs a right wing and left wing to fly.)

Here’s one of my suggestions: hire a special class of teachers specifically to teach about the economy, the marketplace and entrepreneurship, made up of retired successful business people.

What do you think about voter turnout or how would you address this issue? Do you think that young people today are actually prepared to vote for what is good for all?

~ Jon

Posted in Deep Thoughts, Jon, Politics | 4 Comments

Changes can be Good

So many new changes…

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We moved into our new home just over a week ago. The home itself is lovely and bright but the actual move just about did us in.

We have moved so many times over the past 18 years but this move was by far the absolute hardest…..even taking our move from Abbotsford to Langley after 10 years of living there.

I’m not exactly sure what made this move so horrific, but I’m almost positive that our “reserves” to be able to handle stress were non-existent and that made things so SO tough.

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We have things settled down to where we can sort of function but we are not actually “settled”. My room is a disaster with unopened boxes still stacked about and we are still trying to figure out how to place our furniture. It’s tough when everything had a place and now the layout has changed and you are not sure how to “Tetris” everything in. There is quite a bit of puzzling and re-arranging to try to fit 7 people and all of their stuff into a new space.

Jeremy is finally starting back into his regular homeschool routine after 2 weeks of chaos. We started a little bit at the end of last week just to ease him into it and then we hit the ground running this morning. Our “office/homeschool” room is still a bit chaotic but it’s coming along slowly.

One of the bigger changes around here, as if moving wasn’t enough, is that Siah is going to the local Elementary School. He started the first Monday that we moved. He’s been so excited. We had a big meeting with the school before we moved and then another “intake meeting”. That one was kind of rough because you are talking about all the ways your child struggles and will need help. Having a child with learning differences is not easy but having already gone through the Infant mental Health Clinic at BC Children’s has totally given us a leg up to be able to get him the help he needs.

It’s exciting to see him SO excited to go to school and meet new friends. Today he is going to attend until noon. They’ve started him attending slowly and are working up. We’ve gone from 1 hour last Monday to half a day today.

I’m shocked at how much it feels like I have “all this free time”. It’s quite a lot of work teaching two kiddos while supervising a third and trying to care for the home too.

So not only are we adjusting to a new home but also a new schooling balance. I’m excited and exhausted. Looking forward to spending the summer out on my deck and in the backyard.

Just trying to get through today…….that’s how my world feels right now. Just focused on today…….sometimes that’s all I can handle.

But I feel like this is a new beginning and I’m pretty excited. I have no idea what the future holds but for the first time in a long time……I’m feeling that we are headed in an upward direction. I feel like I can breathe. I don’t feel like I’m drowning. I’m tired but feel like we’ve crossed over from barely treading water to being able to rest and rejuvenate. It’s such a welcome feeling after the past 3 years.

Posted in ADD/ADHD, Anxiety, Cancer Sucks, Family, Homeschool, Jeremy, New Home, School, Siah | Leave a comment

Not like an elephant

My dad used to ask odd riddles. (I would never do that to my kids…) One of the riddles went like this: How do you carve an elephant out of a block of wood?  The answer is: You take a chisel to a block of wood and knock off anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.

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As dumb as that it, it’s relevant in raising a family in today’s world.  You have to know what your family is supposed to “look like” and knock off stuff that doesn’t look like that.  I guess its also like driving a car; after a while things just look like they are supposed to.  You can’t really explain why you stop before going through a green light, but something just doesn’t fit the normal and then a car runs a red light right in front of you.

This happened today for me with my daughter. Angelica has fought cancer, and now she is fighting to get back her strength and mobility.  She wants a car, she wants a job, and most of all she just wants to be normal (at least as ‘normal’ as one of my kids can be).

She is taking a class at school called ‘Planning’.  In this class they discuss all kinds of relevant stuff, like what skills will actually make you successful in the real world and how to think critically and how to prepare for a career and how to apply for a job.  This part is awesome!!!

In teaching the class, her teacher wants everything to be ‘real’. He wants them to make resumes with skills that they actually have, select a job from the local paper that they might actually apply for, write a cover letter for their tailored resume as if they were actually applying for that job, and then conduct a mock interview where you explain why you want the job and what your qualifications are.  This part is awesome!!!

The line was crossed for me when her teacher (name blurred to protect the well-meaning) told her that she couldn’t apply to be a “mother’s helper” because she can’t run after kids on a playground if they start to run away. Again, this is all in the name of making this exercise ‘real’, and I kind of understand the point.  This went back and forth a little bit, but today Angelica got this note:

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An alarm went off inside me… Now that I have processed it, written a response, received an apologetic call back from the teacher, I know perfectly well why this is bad, but I wrote the email before even fully thinking it through… I just knew it didn’t “look like an elephant”.  Here is my reply:

As per attached, I do not agree with this and I want it to stop immediately!

Angelica has fought cancer with every fiber of her being for over three years. It has been one of the most difficult things that I have seen a child go through. Angelica was very athletic and was talking about signing up for baseball before she was diagnosed with cancer. The most painful part of the treatment for Angelica was what it stole from her in terms of time and opportunity. Now she is in a place of working very hard to recover and we are constantly reinforcing for her that she can do anything.

In an attempt to make this job interview as real as possible, I believe that you have crossed a very sensitive and very real personal boundary. The facts of her “medical condition” have only been discussed at length with Mrs — and Mr —. By repeatedly questioning Angelica’s “mother’s helper” job application and telling her that she couldn’t do that job, you are 1) incorrect about her condition, 2) incorrect about what a mother’s helper job is, 3) acting in a manner that will be harmful to her recovery, and 4) breaking the spirit of my daughter.

  1. Her condition is such that she should avoid running or doing major impact, but is completely capable of it if needs be. I don’t believe that its really her responsibility or requirement to provide you all the details of her condition to take this class. If she says that she can be a mother’s helper, then you are in no position to say otherwise.
  2. We have employed a couple mother’s helpers in the past and it did not always include taking care of children. A mother’s helper may be required to do household chores so the mother (who is still in the home) can spend time with their child. A mother’s helper is not the same as a nanny as a nanny is left alone with the child and chores. If Angelica applied to be a mother’s helper to our family, and I knew what I know about her capabilities, I would hire her in a heartbeat.
  3. Angelica needs motivation to do all the physio that she is required to do. Her motivation right now is that she wants to buy a car, and she needs a job to do that, and she is doing her physio as hard as possible so that she can get an actual job as soon as possible. By making her focus on limitations (that aren’t actually there) you are taking away her motivation.
  4. Angelica, who holds her emotion in to her own detriment, has broken down in tears about this. She is getting the message from this process that she is not good enough, that she is broken, that she could never get a job. My daughter has the spirit of a fighter, and in fact she has fought through cancer to live. But it took a lot of effort on the part of us, her parents, school counselors, friends, neighbors and family to constantly encourage her to fight, to win. I did not tolerate negative reinforcement then, and I will not tolerate it now.

I believe that walking the kids through real world scenarios is VERY VERY good. I wish that I had been taught what it is to apply for and compete for a job when I was in school. I understand the motivation for making it real, but I ask you to step back from the “realism” in this area.

I was impressed when I read my own email. The teacher called me right away, immediately saw my point and has set out to amend the situation.  I wouldn’t always jump in to fight for my kids, but there are times when I do jump right away and I can’t really explain why… I just know what my family is supposed to look like and I’ll knock off anything that doesn’t look like it.

When do you jump in and fight for your kids, or let them fight for themselves?

Posted in Cancer Sucks, Deep Thoughts, Family, Gelica, Jon, School | 6 Comments

A record setting pace

When I was 20 years old (seems like half a lifetime ago) I ran in the Vancouver Sun Run 10K and had a time of about 42 minutes.  I’m told that’s pretty good.  My new employer has been entering a yearly corporate team to the Sun Run and I signed up to go.

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When I signed up I had the idea in my head that I would try and beat my previous time which would require a significant amount of training from where I was(am).  Regardless, when you sign up you are supposed to put in the time that you predict you will finish in, and I conservatively put in 46 minutes or something like that.  This time effects your bib number, starting position and so on, as faster runners get to go first to prevent bottle-necking on the race course.

So I started running a few times a week.  I had a goal, a date to aim for, and I was excited about getting back into running.

Then Patti decided to start an 8 week “Couch to 5K” program but didn’t want to run alone and asked if I would join her.  I can’t put into words how quickly my goals changed.  Before she even got the full question out of her mouth, I no longer cared at all about the Sun Run or my time.  I immediately had a new goal; to be Patti’s running partner.

There are challenges that go along with this.  For starters, I might be turning 40 this year, but I can still run at a decent speed without training and I can definitely run a full 10K without stopping, even if the time is a bit high.  So my first challenge is to make Patti feel that she is not holding me back or cramping my style by getting me to run/walk/run through a fairly light 3k over 30 minutes.  Also, I’m still signed up for the Sun Run and I still have a low bib number coming so I need to not be a total mess out there, so I need to fit in the occasional 10K as well, but the goal is now completely different.

Why?  Why would I change my goal so fast?  Typically ADHD people don’t like to change goals once they are set on something.  On top of that I have wanted to beat my 42 minutes for 19 years and this is my first crack at it.

Because, Patti and I are better together.  Patti is an amazing person.  I don’t think I’m that bad of a person myself.  Both of us have accomplished a decent amount on our own, we both have skills that are unique to us and we both have imperfections and problems.  But when we do things together we rock!  I’m not just saying that; we’re amazing…. Really!!!

OK, so in all honesty our weaknesses match our spouse’s strengths in an uncanny way and when we rely on each other’s strengths we are just… better.

Patti and I were talking about this the other night while we were running (actually I talked and Patti concentrated on breathing and managed a “yea” once in a while.  She’s a good listener when she’s running….) We were BOTH talking about this the other night while out running and it came up that she feels that her blog only represents a half of her. Certainly there are things that we don’t share on a blog, this is after all a public forum and we share a lot, but we do choose to share some stuff and not other stuff.  What she meant is that the readers of this blog only get her side of things, and you don’t get mine.  Not that my opinions are all the different, but that sometimes my perspective is.

So we have decided that I will start contributing to the blog and not just as a guest blogger, but under my own name.  Just to warn you, sometimes I’m all surface level, geeky, odd humor, and sometimes I’m deep and philosophical.  Patti is generally somewhere in the middle all the time…. See we complement each other even there.

So as the title says, I’m running for a record setting pace.  I’m not aiming to beat 42 minutes on a 10K; I am aiming at running more, farther, faster with Patti on whichever trail we happen to be on, as long as we are doing it together.

See you soon…

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BTW: As you can see from the picture, my bib number for the run is 2955 which puts me in the yellow zone which is way too close to the front… but if I beat 50 minutes I’ll be thrilled (and a little surprised).

Posted in Deep Thoughts, exercise, Family, Jon, New-ness, Running | 1 Comment

Success and Anxiety

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So, I tried again tonight and YAY! I made it. I re-did Week 2 Day 3 of the “Couch to 5k” program AND…….did it with no problems. This is after not running for over a week…..almost two weeks? I’m not sure? I’m quite excited about that.

My knees feel tired but not injured which is good.

So Saturday, I’ll be attempting Week 3 Day 1…….which is a bit of a jump from this week but I’m trying to not worry about that.

I have been worrying quite a bit though. If you’ve been reading here for a while, you might remember that at the end of last year, I realized that I’ve been dealing with and fighting against anxiety, my whole life (for as long back as I can remember). Most specifically Social Anxiety but heck, if it can be worried or stressed about……most likely I’ve worried about it at some point in my life.

I went on Anti- Anxiety meds back at the end of November 2012. I was started on an extremely low dose and it made a HUGE difference. I don’t even know that I could fully explain (and most definitely not from mg phone – I’m posting from my phone……yah for the WordPress App) how much of a positive difference it made and how fast.

When I found out I was pregnant, at the beginning of January……to be honest, I felt devastated because it was best for the baby if I went off the meds. I had UNREAL amounts of anxiety for the twelve weeks that I was pregnant and would have been seeing a Reproductive Phsycologist this week had I still been pregnant. (That appt was to discuss the safest meds I could take that would still help me.)

Probably, had I not gone through the 2-2.5 stressful “cancer” years……I’d still be just plugging along; but those years really did a number on me. There is so much “fall out” from a family member going through something like that.

I started back on the meds as soon as I miscarried. I went back to my dr and checked in with him. It was all good and I made an appt for a follow up in 2 months from then.

But the meds don’t seem to be affecting me in quite the same way they did initially. I’m not sure if hormones are at play – my hormones always seem to be messed up after a miscarriage – or what the issue is but what I do know, is that I feel anxious. And it SUCKS!

I have an appt for Wednesday to talk about the possibility of a dosage increase…..but I’ll see what my Dr. says

It’s tough to feel anxious about stupid things. Things that really should make no difference and most people wouldn’t even give those things a second thought. Where as me……I fight those thoughts a third and fourth and fifth and even tenth time; and get more and more exhausted because I’m always fighting “the anxiety”

It’s hard to feel like you’re not enjoying life because everything’s a fight. And so for now……I take meds because its what I believe I need. In some ways, even taking the meds feels like I’m “failing”. Like I should be trying harder and yet……..I’m “tried” out; and going this route…..it enables me to still be available for my family. Which is so necessary………although, I’d love to check out……not forever……just for a moment….maybe to catch my breath.

It’s what all mom’s hope for, right?

Posted in Anxiety, Cancer Sucks, Deep Thoughts, Life, ME, Running | 3 Comments

Tough days

It’s been a tough day today.

I showed up at music practice tonight sobbing and barely managed to scrape myself together enough to walk in only looking like I was half falling apart……bright puffy eyes and red nose.

Parenting special needs kids is not easy and some days are tougher than others. Today was a fairly normal day as far as days go but it was still tough.

The boys wake up moving at warp speed which means lots of fights, lots of meltdowns, lots of yelling and screaming and taunting, very little listening, very little “pause and think before you act” and just generally a whole lot of frustration. And that is all in between 7-8am. Fun! By that point I feel ready to strangle someone but I have hopefully already doled out the morning meds.

It takes about an hour to an hour & a half for the meds to kick in……so however it takes to get the meds into them……it’s still another hour or so until the effect starts to kick in. Cue a repeat of the previous very little/very a lot section of actions.

Around 9-9:30am, we start school and depending on the particular mood of the day, school could be finished in 2 hours or it could take all day. Today we were still working on homework at 3pm……which is an indication of how today went.

There is so much frustration from the boys because they want to be doing anything other than school and I feel like I’m constantly fighting each one of them over different things.

Sometimes, I feel strong enough to handle it and others (like recently), I don’t feel strong enough to handle it all.

I’ve been waffling back and forth about trying Siah in public school because it would be one less thing that I would have to do and fight with him over, spend hours and hours prepping and on the admin stuff. I might actually be able to clean my house or have/create/stick to a meal plan. Wouldn’t that be incredible?

But today he had a gymnastic class that just pushed me over the edge. He was made to sit out of the first half of the class for over 20 mins. Now, in his defence…..I believe the teacher forgot about him…..but I can’t even believe I typed that sentence up. I should not be defending a teacher for forgetting about my child or even for finding it easier to not have him in the class. The class is at 5pm. Meds have started to wear off by this point and unless you really love
him or have one on one time with him……by this post in the evening Siah can be a handful.

But it broke my heart to see him “cast aside” because he couldn’t behave. It was worse in that parents on either side of me were asking me what I was found to do about this as they found the treatment as unacceptable as I did.

I ended up talking to the teacher and surprise, surprise……I started crying. Yah! Just what some twenty something guy want a to deal with an emotional mother of a bratty kid. Yay me!

I can’t fathom sending him to school to have him treated like this. He spent over half the class in total sitting off to the side. The punishment was not effective. If you know ADHD, you will know that long, isolating punishments are rarely effective. And so what? What do I do? Continue to put him in a place that could be so good for him if he would learn? Or continue to put him in a situation where he is leaning to sit in “time outs”? Cause if they continue to put him off to the side….that’s what he will be learning, not how to act appropriately. Or do I pull him out of something that could be great for him.

Well, I managed to get myself together during music practise but driving home, I started to fall apart again.

It’s so tough. Parenting difficult children is so tough and today I feel like a failure. I feel very alone and very insecure. It’s a crappy place to be in. I’m really hoping that I wake up up and feel so much more positive in the morning. I’m REALLY hoping!

Posted in ADD/ADHD, Anxiety, Family, Jeremy, Kids, Life, ME, Siah | 2 Comments

Running from or to?

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I started running in the beginning of March. I’m not sure if I was running away from something or running towards something. All I know is that I needed to do something…….and for some strange reason, running seemed like it fit what I was looking for.

I used to run…….a long time ago…….literally, a life time ago. When I was 16, I ran; and for the most part it was something to do to expend energy. I’ve never been particularly “athletic” but for a while I did run.

Not sure why I stopped but I did.

So I started again. After 20+ years, I’m not sure that you’d really call it running quite yet…….BUT…..I have been running in short intervals (and between extremely heavy breathing walking sections) and so I call it running.

About 2 weeks ago, I bought new runners and 2 runs after that, I landed one step badly on an uneven piece of curb and pulled my MCL.

I’m so bummed. I’ve been to physio. I’m icing it. I’m doing squats and lunges all to strengthen my quads and even though it seemed like my knees were good to go today……..not too long into my run (and walk). We had to slow up and walk.

I’m annoyed. I just want to run. I wonder…….I wonder about the whole “running away from” scenario. I wonder if I am just running towards this new phase off life. I wonder if I need to deal with stuff. I’m sure I do……..who doesn’t? Mostly I just want to run…..to feel the feeling that kicks in about half way into it…….to feel so good….

And I can’t…..not yet….but soon….

Posted in Deep Thoughts, just crap..., Life, ME, Running | Leave a comment

Paint, pain and chaos

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We are in the home stretch before we move. One month to go and I’m exhausted. There is still SO much to do but we will make it……we always do.

I’m sitting here in bed, icing my knees, in the middle of chaos. My room is a disaster……honestly, the house is a disaster AND we are starting school tomorrow in the middle of that disaster.

It feels like we got a fair amount accomplished but then when I go and look at my list……there is still so much to do even after I cross off all that we did today.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day, a fresh start and maybe I’ll feel a bit more cheerful in the morning.

Posted in just crap..., Moving, School | Leave a comment

Stream of Consciousness……

Life and Death……so many people I know living life, contemplating life, celebrating life, and yet there is death.

It’s the way this world works, no?

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I stepped out of the shower tonight and looked at myself in the mirror. Do you ever do this? Look at yourself. See yourself. What do you see? Do you see all the imperfections? Do you see the strength? Do you see the beauty? Do you see the years of love given? What do you see?

I saw a shell. I saw a home that has lovingly carried 10 babies, birthed 6 of them, with 5 of those living, laughing, and loving.

A week ago, on Saturday March 2, I woke up and I was almost 12 weeks pregnant…..it’s been a rough start to 2013. I’ll say that much. I was so looking forward to telling everybody about this new little life that we had been gifted. When we finally crawled back into our bed on Sunday morning around 3:30am…….I was empty, no longer “full” of life.

I spent the past 3 months, in shock, sleeping, gagging, barfing and stressing…..probably most of all stressing. I’ll say it again. I’ve had a really rough start to 2013.

Backing things up, 2 days before Christmas, we had what you might call a “condom malfunction”. 17.5 years of marriage and it’s never happened……no matter – there is NO WAY we are pregnant. That “NO WAY” turned into a very amazing and completely shocking positive pregnancy test on January 3rd. To say we were surprised is putting things very mildly.

Six kids is a lot to handle. Heck, 5 is a lot to handle. How could we possibly do this? How were we ever going to be able to handle this……financially, time wise, energy wise and well, just how the heck were we going to do this.

I had just started anti-anxiety meds just a little over a month before and honestly, that was the best Christmas that I remember. It was SO less than perfect, but I wasn’t stressed out of my mind and that made it absolutely blissful.

I had to stop taking those meds, in the best interest of the baby and while I was totally willing to do so……I WAS DEVASTATED. Those two little pills that I took before I crawled into bed in the evening had made such a dramatic difference in my life and I was terrified to walk away from the very thing that seemed to be enabling me to cope with difficult situations, especially when I was facing a very difficult situation. I’d been pregnant 9 other times before this one and only 5 of those pregnancies resulted in live births……not really great odds. Mind you, I’d had 2 live births since all the deaths and maybe, just maybe the string of deaths was beyond me.

It wasn’t. Long story short……I’m no longer pregnant. I’m walking around so caught inside of my own head that I’m not sure how to work it all out. My mind keeps trying to figure out ways that I can have another baby, but it’s not going to happen. We are done and yet, I don’t want to let go of that.

This body of mine……this shell has tried to house and attempted to nourish babies almost continuously for the past 16 years. I’m not even sure what to do with myself now that the door has close on that section of my life. Who am I? What do I want to do with myself? With my life?

I still have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, a highly needy 12 year old and two amazing daughters who also need their mother so much, but I feel so lost. I need to find out who I am aside from just a mom and yet…….I don’t want to. It feels like I’m losing something else! I’m walking away from this huge part of my life and walking towards………..what? WHAT????? I don’t know. I’m sure it will be fabulous when I get there……when I figure it out, but right now….It’s scary. It’s open……..My whole life is ahead of me and all I want to do is go back and be pregnant.

I want another baby. I wanted another baby. I want another baby so bad and yet……I stuff the feelings. I choke back the tears. I internalize the sobs and hope that I don’t break down and totally lose it. Lose WHAT? I don’t know, but I’m scared by the depth of these emotions. I’m scared that if I let go…..if I really acknowledge these deep, dark, horrible, scary feelings that I may not be able to reign it all back in……I think I’m even more scared that once I let it go that I’ll be lost. That I won’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to do, once I let go of this grief, of this dream, of this time in my life.

I could “do” so many things, but who am I and what am I “supposed” to do. What do I want to do? I don’t know. I don’t KNOW. I DON’T KNOW!!!!!

What I do know is that I’m sad. I’m sad that I no longer have something that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted before I was given it. I’m sad that I was given something and then that amazing something was taken away. I’m sad that I’ve not even really cried yet…..it’s like in all of this I’ve not even really paid tribute to this sweet life who was taken from us.

Holding my brand new nephew tonight was amazing and yet so tough. I will never have that again. That dream of once more holding a little baby……my little baby……. I don’t get that any more…….ever. That chapter of my life is gone, closed, finished…..and yet I rejoice for my sister and my brother and my nephew….. that they could welcome a wonderfully perfect baby and he is so precious. I can see that he is not mine and I can compartmentalize my grief and my joy and recognize that I can feel both at the same time. Recognize that maybe I can feel so much joy and wonder at this new life because I know how difficult the opposite is….and yet I run from the grief……I only allow small tiny bubbles to roll up. Is it healthy? Most definitely not? Do I feel equipped enough to handle all of this right now…..maybe not….but will I get through this? Yes.

I’ve gone through so much. We’ve had so much death, so many hard times, so many difficult “life lessons” and I know I “can” handle this. I just don’t want to…..I had really hoped that these dark, difficult days were behind us, but they are not…..and so we carry on. We put one foot in front of the other and we carry on.

We live! We laugh! We love! We carry on!

I will process this……I have no worries or concerns about that. maybe that’s why I’m not beating myself up too badly. I will deal with this. I know I will…..I’m just not really dealing with it yet….It’s too much….too soon……too much to feel….mind you, it’s really too much to carry too……..and so soon…..someday soon…….

Posted in Anxiety, Deep Thoughts, Life, ME | 4 Comments

My Joy

This little one is absolutely precious.

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My Judah Zane is 2.5 years old. He joined our family during some of our darkest times and has brought light and hope with him.

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Physically he is a big kid. He was born big. He’s remained big. But his personality matches his size and is just as HUGE as the rest of him. He plays hard and laughs hard and cuddles hard and loves equally as hard.

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It’s so strange to see him changing from a little baby into a toddler and he is rapidly racing through the toddler stages and into the little boy stages. He is growing up so fast and sometimes I just want to stop time and keep him small….but I can’t and so I snap these pics to hang on to the moments.

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To remember the little details……..like those lips so soft and often so warm on my cheeks..

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To remember his eyelashes, his dimples, his ears and his little nose….

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For all of his size, he is such a sweet gentle boy…I think he’ll be one of those gentle giants. Big and yet so Loving….

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I’m so thankful that this sweet boy joined our family. He has brought so much life and joy into our lives.

Posted in Judah | 6 Comments