Daily Photos

Daily Photos

15 years ago, this month, our son, Nathaniel died and then was born. It seems backward; like it’s not the order life should happen in. Children shouldn’t die before their parents. Babies shouldn’t die before they’re born. One thing I’ve learned over the last 15 years is that there are no guarantees in this life. In the early years after Nathaniel was born, I had SO MANY regrets. I wish we had held him longer. I wish we had taken more pictures. I wish we had brought our family in to meet him. I wish……It felt like we were so unsure as to what to do and what was considered “appropriate”. Since then, I’ve tried to live my life in such a way that I don’t have regrets. Does that mean that I just threw abandon to the wind and did whatever I wanted….no! But over the past 15 years, I’ve done less of what “might be expected of me or what might be considered appropriate”. And more of what’s important to me and what I truly believe is necessary. I’ve listened to my heart more and in doing so, I’ve found SO. MUCH. FREEDOM. It’s one of the many gifts that came from my son. Even within the darkness of loss and trauma, when I looked for the light, I found it. This gift was so very necessary as we navigated the next 15 years of loss and trauma. Even though he never took a breath, his legacy is one of wonder, compassion and hope; and that is incredible, in my mind. #nathanielmark #remembering #loss #stillbirth #legacy #abstractpainting
Posted by Intagrate Lite

Daily Photos

Daily Photos

“Look for Light” I whisper to myself as Darkness closes in. Light is endless….it’s eternal….and though Pain, Despair and Exhaustion threaten to smother me, I pause. I focus. I breathe. I search for and find Light, even when Darkness seems relentless. Even in Darkness, Light holds me. It heals me. It guides me. #loss #trauma #remembering #digitalart #painting #painttherapy
Posted by Intagrate Lite

Daily Photos

Daily Photos

This sweet boy was born at the most traumatic time of our lives. He has dealt and continues to deal with so much in his young life. He acts and reacts to life with all the bravery, courage and wisdom that a 9 year can muster. Some days we fight through, in spite of the anxiety; and some days, we regroup, relax and recharge. #bakingwithmomma #christmastreats #judahzane #trauma #traumarecovery
Posted by Intagrate Lite

Daily Photos

Daily Photos

I’m laying in bed in my nasty comfy sweater. It’s been a while since I checked in. I’m…..uh……overwhelmed. We bought a business in July and while I LOVE it. I feel like I added “working” on top of an already overloaded life and something has to give because it’s just not possible to “do everything.” I prioritize evening rest and shut down when the kids go to bed but I’m not entirely certain if that’s because I choose to do so or if it’s because I have absolutely nothing left to give at that point. I’m running…..walking….crawling on fumes, these days. I have my Holiday Open House coming up in 3 days and while I’m SO excited because that “creative side” of me has been mostly dormant – it’s also taking energy that I don’t really have available BUT……I don’t want to not have it this year and then lose momentum, if I have the energy and drive for next year. So I gathered some creative people to help me and it’s going to be amazing. I just need to make it through this week and weekend. I can do that, right? For sure I can. I’m just tired……SO tired! The kind of tired that a night of sleep doesn’t fix. Do you know that kind of tired? The brain, body, and emotional exhaustion that makes you feel like you just want to run away. Far, FAR away…..somewhere hot with waves crashing. #dreamingofthebeach #latenightmusings #exhaustion
Posted by Intagrate Lite