School – xangelle.com

Day 15 – Texas Trouble

We left Round Rock around 10am with plans to head to Inner Space Cavern which was only 20 mins away in Georgetown.

When we arrived, the parking lot was FULL, the overflow parking was filled with school busses and there were millions of little children running around like feral cats.

We tried to find a place to park our truck and trailer in the overflow lot but it was difficult to navigate and in our efforts, the brake cable got pinched and short circuited, triggering the brakes to lock in place.

At that point, we were parked, whether we wanted to be or not. So in a super avoidant maneuver, we decided to go for the tour of the caverns and deal with the issue after.

We sidestepped through the chaos and went inside, only to be told that the next public tour was at 12:50pm.

So, it looked like we were going to deal with the trailer electrical first. I looked up RV service centres and there was one 2 minutes up the road. With the brakes being locked up, Jon cut the brake cable to release it and we carefully drove up the street and into the RV lot.

Jon took the cut piece of cable into the shop and bought a new one…..rather than doing a hack job and splicing the new cable onto the old cable, Jon decided to replace the cable properly.

Once replaced, the lights would turn on but not the turning signals.

While Jon was working on the truck, I was eating my feelings.

So Jon checked out the fuses and sure enough, we had blown fuses. So we had to buy and replace 6 fuses. But, Jon got it all figured out and working and at this point it was 1pm, so we decided to head back to the caves. Oh what fun!

We paid the admission and the next tour was leaving right away. So we headed into the caves.

The tour guide was funny and interesting. You walk further and further underground and it gets darker and warmer and more humid. They warn you to not touch anything in the cave because the oils on your hands destroy the formations ability to grow and develop. There is this one place where you are allowed to touch the formations as it had been touched when the caves were first found.

The ground is wet and damp and they have railings to hold onto and rugs nailed down into the ground so that you have better grip and don’t slip.

About half way into the tour, Jude did slip and fell onto his right arm, hurting it. And then he started to panic. Jon took him back above ground and got him an ice pack from the trailer.

Siah and I finished the cave tour and found Jon and Jude waiting for us.

It’s a good thing that we had a light day of travel planned because these two events, while nothing huge or horrible were unexpected and wearing. We packed back into the car and headed towards Brady, Texas where I had reserved a spot at an RV Park.

As we travelled further into Texas, it got hot and windy. It was beautiful with the wild flowers and cacti growing and the wide open spaces and rolling landscape.

We pulled into “The Heart of Texas RV Park”. It is such a cute little place. The wind blows warm. There are quail in the neighbouring yard cooing along with the hooting owls. The grounds are filled with wild flowers and brush and the most gorgeous trees.

We sat outside in the sun for a bit, before each of us ran through the shower in the guest house; and then made some dinner. After dinner, I had time to put the trailer in order – it felt a bit chaotic as we had spent time with family and friends over the past few days, rather than stay on top of keeping it neat.

Jon did a bit of schoolwork with Siah and then we settled for the night. A chaotic and unplanned day ended much more calmly than it began and for that I am so thankful.

Day 9 – Arkansas

It’s our last day in Arkansas before we move on with our trip and I’m determined to hold every moment with so much gratitude.

Dalton had the day off today which was awesome. He, Xani and Jon hopped in Xani’s Mini Cooper and ran out to pick up eggs, bacon and sausage for breakfast. I’m sure we could have planned better but it was just another moment to be together and remember.

Jon and Dalton were in charge of breakfast and they did a fabulous job. It was delicious! Complete with grits and Jimmy Dean sausage. To be honest, I did not eat the grits; but I heard someone say they were delicious.

After breakfast, we tidied up and the boys headed to the range. Xani and I stayed behind. I was tempted to go but the lure of some quiet time was too much for this introvert.

The boys had fun and I took a shower, did a little prep for tomorrows travel and Xani made snickerdoodles. I helped her roll the dough balls and then we sat in the sun for a bit. It was a such a lovely day just being with the people I love.

We had talked about possibly having seafood for dinner but by the time dinner rolled around we decided to go to Waffle House. The boys were so excited because it’s internet famous for always being open no matter what.

Having never been, I was expecting more of a family restaurant but it was more like a diner. We squished 6 of us into 4 person booth with 2, on chairs at the end.

Before we arrived, I had figured that I didn’t want waffles so I’d probably just get a salad or something light. But the menu has waffles and eggs and hashbrowns and grilled cheese and basically it’s carbs with a few proteins like eggs, bacon and sausage to balance it out.

Jude said the waffle were spectacular. 10 out of 10 and it got an “S” rating – which I understand to mean Superior – for both the food and the service.

It was late when we arrived and by 8:30 the waitress suggested we not stick around as they would be closing at 9pm. We said that we understood they were open 24 hours so why were they closing; and she said that the drive through would be open but they closed the indoor dining as this was the ghetto and we’d be likely to get mugged if we stuck around. It was a funny way to round out the day.

We went back home and Siah checked in on his school work, we packed a few things up and went to bed a bit earlier as we were planning to get on the road to Bay St Louis early.

It’s bittersweet to be leaving my sweet girl but knowing how well she is loved by this incredible family makes it easier.

We absolutely enjoyed every moment getting to know these guys. They are such good people with great hearts; authentic and real and we hope to be able to see them again soon. We are so thankful that you opened your home and hearts to us. We feel blessed to call you family.

Day 9 – Arkansas

It’s our last day in Arkansas before we move on with our trip and I’m determined to hold every moment with so much gratitude.

After breakfast, we tidied up and the boys headed to the range. Xani and I stayed behind. I was tempted to go but the lure of some quiet time was too much for this introvert.

Having never been, I was expecting more of a family restaurant but it was more like a diner. We squished 6 of us into 4 person booth with 2, on chairs at the end.

Jude said the waffle were spectacular. 10 out of 10 and it got an “S” rating – which I understand to mean Superior – for both the food and the service.

We went back home and Siah checked in on his school work, we packed a few things up and went to bed a bit earlier as we were planning to get on the road to Bay St Louis early.

It’s bittersweet to be leaving my sweet girl but knowing how well she is loved by this incredible family makes it easier.

First Official Week of School

Last week was a tough one as we had an extra bonus amount of work to “fit in” to our regularly busy schedule, with elections printing (Thanks Snap Election!)

Siah woke up with a cold on the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL and was SO DISAPPOINTED. When I asked Jude what we were going to start our school year with, I was pleasantly surprised to have him say he’d like to start with Algebra.

We did not do as much as I had planned in my fairy tale dream world of perfectionist homeschooling; but we did get some done and for a child with PDA, I figure that’s pretty freaking good. Considering that I was busy working 14 hour days all last week.

As this week starts, Siah is still home with a cough but on the mend. Xani’s covid test came back negative – as we breathe a sigh of relief and curse whatever virus has invaded our home.

I stayed home, today, and we actually worked through some school work with hardly any fussing. We are still acclimating to “school” and are easing into things. We managed to hit Math, Reading and Comprehension, novel studies, PE and our Conflict Resolution and Peaceful Communication Course. All in all a good day.

Navigating Educational Trauma as a Parent

Like anything in life there are sides to every story…..often multiple sides.

My post about Parenting Trauma within the Educational System seemed to hit a chord with many and I believe its a huge opportunity for conversation.

Within the Education System we have:
– kids who are traumatized
– parents who are traumatized
– educators, administrators and support staff who are traumatized

There’s a lot of trauma.

And……no ones trauma outweighs another. Every trauma is valid and some how we have to figure out a way to navigate a system filled with traumatized people, who are doing their best; and have the end result be a safe, inclusive space for all to grow and thrive.

It’s an unfortunate reality that, at any given time, our best may be super messy and awkward. Just like our little ones……some days, their best may be flailing around on a floor screaming. And that “best” is better than lashing out at another person. As humans, we have the opportunity to come along side and support those who are struggling.

Navigating trauma that has been inflicted on your child, is brutal. While there are times that people intentionally inflict trauma on others; I would say that the majority of trauma within the education system, is not done purposefully. People don’t go into education with the intent to harm kids.

Regardless of whether its intentional or not, trauma happens and when we know better, we must do better; which is why awareness, and communication are so important.

When trauma is triggered, the brain shuts down and communication and learning are impaired. This is true for kids and for adults.

I’m aware that I hold trauma in my body and mind regarding my children and the Education system. When triggered, I try really hard to pause before I react and to filter what I say and feel; or to find someone who can help me regulate But, there are times when past trauma is triggered and all I do is react.

When trauma is triggered, my brain goes into overdrive. My thoughts immediately start racing. At the same time, everything is a bit of a fog. My only goal is to protect my kids, at any and all cost. Unfortunately, there can be fall out. In moments of fight/flight, I may say things that rational me wouldn’t say. I can feel my heart racing and my body tenses. It’s not a pleasant feeling. I can literally feel the surge of adrenaline washing over me as I prepare to fight or flee.

It feels awful!

And I know that many of you have been there; and many of you are there.

My hope, in posting about this, is to bring awareness. Awareness to parents, awareness to educators, awareness to people who have no clue that this happens. I believe that with awareness, there is opportunity to talk, to communicate more openly; and ultimately, to grow and heal. In order for relationship to build and grow, there has to be communication.

I believe that the “end goal” is that we all want children to grow and learn and be successful.

In the midst of trauma, its easy to loose sight of that. The Fight/Flight instinct kicks in and we go into Battle Mode.

As parents, its beneficial to know if we carry trauma regarding the Education System. We need to know that the trauma taints everything we see, hear, say, experience…….

I’m not saying that there haven’t been “wrongs” committed.

Because there have been “wrongs”. That’s a fact.

But how do we, as humans, work together towards growth and relationship. Especially, when we have a child (or children) in the middle of it all.

How can we communicate respectfully with each other?
How can we hear each other?
How can we come to an agreement with each other?
How can we be partners rather than adversaries?

I know this is a lofty ideal.

I don’t know exactly how to make it happen. I don’t believe that what’s currently happening is working; and I want to be a part of a change.

Here are some of the ways that I hope to affect change.

Awareness – I think speaking about trauma and other issues; and sharing openly and vulnerably is important. I can’t tell you how many people message me saying they “get it” or are going through the same thing. They say that it feels so good to know they’re not alone on this journey. That means the world to me because I know that I’m not alone.

Relationship – I have purposed to build relationship on a peer level with the people in my kids lives. This doesn’t mean that we are “besties”. But, I want them to know me as Patti, the person; and I want to know them as the person they are. Making relationship critical, means that when I’m feeling hurt by something or someone, I have a bigger chance of “pausing” before I say something hurtful to another human. It’s easy to rail against a system……and less easy when you really see the person in front of you.

Respect – If I had to choose one building block to build my life on, it would be respect. I want to act and speak respectfully regardless of how I’m treated. I’m human and fallible but this is one virtue I make every effort to embody. I believe that if you are a respectful person, as a general rule, you will be treated with respect. If you can continue to be respectful, even in the midst of difficulty, you will gain more respect. It’s just the way it works. That doesn’t mean you need to be a doormat and let people walk all over you. Part of living a respectful life is also having self respect and knowing what to accept and what to let go of; but speaking the truth with respect is powerful.

I’m not a policy maker. I’m not a name or organization within the system. I’m just a mom trying to affect change within my realm of influence; and these are just 3 of the ways that I hope to affect change.

I do, wholeheartedly, believe in the ripple effect. We have an opportunity every year to bring awareness, and respect to our relationships with the educators/administrators, parents and support staff that we come in contact with. It’s my hope that awareness, respect and relationship are the legacy that I leave behind, with every grade that my children pass through.

Don’t ever think that you don’t have any influence. We do have influence. Be a force for change. Be a positive influence and see what happens. It may take time, but I believe that it’s worth it.

Advocating Hell

Advocating for your child is it’s very own unique level of Hell. The mind games alone are enough to make you walk away and not even try.

I’m trying desperately to help you understand my child and to see that he’s not deliberately trying to be difficult and defiant. While at the exact same time, I want to not lose your support, regardless of the fact that I may be challenging you to step outside of your preconceived understanding. I am desperate to not come across as a helicopter mom, trying to make my child’s life easy. I’m hoping that you “hear and see” me as an expert on my child with valid input and not as an overprotective, un-objective parent. I want recognition that I come as a well versed peer and not to be on the receiving end of some bias towards me or my child.

I view children as wanting to please, as wanting to do their best…and when their behaviour deviates from what we’ve come to expect…..I question, “What is their Behaviour Communicating to us? What are they struggling to verbalize. What are they struggling with?”

Siahs struggling at school. His behaviour is one of escaping into a safe world…..classically autistic. Rather than clamping down on the behaviour, I believe that we need to figure out what he’s struggling with. Once we can help him……he will have energy to once again rise to the level of success, we have previously seen and even surpass it.

Until this situation gets sorted out, I worry tha we are stuck in discomfort.

make (someone) feel uneasy, anxious, or embarrassed.

I dislike discomfort but I dislike my child struggling even more.

It’s hell.

We, special needs parents do not enjoy ruffling feathers. We do not enjoy pushing the bubble. We do not enjoy messing up the status quo.

We would give just about anything to just be typical and never need to spreak with you. But we don’t have that option and so we carry on. Please don’t judge us for that.!

Hear us! Really hear what we have to say!

Dear School System…..

To the School System,

This year has been an extremely tough one for our family.

I’ve been a parent in the School System for 15 years, and was a student, myself, for 13 years (K-12).

I had no issues. I found school to be easy….probably too easy. I definitely didn’t try hard enough and still got mostly great marks. Sure, I re-did Math 10 (3rd times the charm, right?) but I didn’t care one bit about sin/cos/tan or graphing. Never have used it.

I believe that over the past 11 years, my sons (and I) have been repeatedly traumatized by the School System.

I understand that is a weighty sentence, but I fully believe it to be true.

Trauma is described as a deeply disturbing or distressing experience. It doesn’t have to be a death or violent event for someone to perceive a situation as traumatic.

Complex trauma is:

Chronic
Begins in early childhood, and
Occurs within the child’s primary caregiving system and/or social environment

Typically, complex trauma exposure involves the simultaneous or sequential occurrence of child maltreatment and may include psychological maltreatment, neglect, physical and sexual abuse, and witnessing domestic violence.

Exposure to these initial traumatic experiences, the resulting emotional dysregulation, and the loss of safety, direction, and the ability to detect or respond to danger cues may impact a child’s development over time and can lead to subsequent or repeated trauma exposure in adolescence and adulthood without supports that might buffer the negative effects.

I have two sons that have experienced repeated distressing and disturbing experiences within the school system. They both have a diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorder, Anxiety, ADHD and Learning Disabilities.

Cognitively, one son is average and the other is superior…..that also brings in another layer of complexity.

We have fought on behalf of our boys, for the last 11 years.

There has been misunderstanding of their specific disabilities and needs.
There has been mistreatment by well meaning but un-informed teachers.
There has been GROSS misjudgment of stress behaviors.
There has been repeated segregation, alone, in medical rooms.
There has been denial of child specific supports as defined by diagnosis.
There has been brutal bullying with no consequences for the bullies.
There has been denial of access to opportunities because of disability, with no support.

There has been repeated emotional and mental trauma which has also resulted in physical strain on both of my boys.

It doesn’t stop there.

What affects my boys, effects our entire family. Our family of 7 is precariously balanced on the best of days….Neuro-Diversity, and Mental Health are tough loads to carry. Throw in any mental and emotional upheaval and there is no balance….we come crashing down.

My boys are resilient in the fact that, they get up every morning full of anxiety for what the day will accost them with. Every social interaction is fraught with anxiety; and requires that they must decode idioms, expressions and body language. This “social language”, that we take for granted, is foreign to them; and they struggle with learning it. Not because they don’t try or want to understand, but because they have a neurological difference that makes it difficult to do so.

EVERY DAY is filled with stress…..with anxiety……with sensory overload.

They don’t get a break from it.

And yet they carry on.

My boys keep walking into your schools EVERY DAY knowing that at some point they will be mentally, emotionally, or sensorily assaulted. Maybe not on purpose, but it happens just the same….

If I slam your hand in a car door by accident and then apologize, does it make your fingers any less broken or painful? No, the trauma is still there. Imagine how you would feel, if people repeatedly slammed your fingers in doors.

You’d probably end up extremely jumpy and tense; and mistrustful of those around you. It doesn’t matter how much they seem to like or try to understand you, “survival brain kicks in and reasoning and logic shut down.” In fact, you’d probably not want to go where people and doors are.

But everyday, my boys continue to enter your doors, and try again……it’s insanity, really. And I feel like I’m perpetuating the insanity….the trauma…. by encouraging them to continue to “go and trust”.

They are so very tired.

And I am so very tired!

I am tired of holding them when they come home crying because someone misunderstood their diagnosis and their heart.
I am tired of fighting every year to say the same thing and not being heard.
I am so very tired of being seen as someone causing conflict or someone on the “other side”.
I am exhausted from scraping up a weeping child who has been judged incorrectly as defiant or non-compliant.
I am exhausted from dealing with meltdowns as a result of pressures placed on them at school, to live up to “typical” standards.
I am so very weary of encouraging my children to go back to their teachers and EA’s to work “issues” out, when I believe that my child is being hurt (however unintentional) as a result of lack of knowledge and understanding.
I am angry that I have been fighting for 11 years for people to “see” my children….to see beyond the the stress behaviors and see their heart.
I am so exhausted and traumatized from the past 11 years, that I cannot even fathom continuing to advocate for my children. I cringe at the very thought of connecting with the schools to advocate on behalf of my boys and yet….. I must advocate for them because I am SO concerned for their mental and emotional well being, in regards to their care and treatment within the school system.

Dear School System,

How can we change this?

How can we affect change within our school system, so that children like mine are not traumatized on a daily basis?

How can we affect change within our school system, so that children like mine are recognized for the value they bring?

How can we affect change within our school system, sooner rather than later?

Do our children have the right to access a place where they can be encouraged to love to learn?
Do our children have the right to have the same opportunities as their “typical” peers?
Do our children have the right to access safe places, mentally, emotionally and physically, to learn and grow?

Right now, this is not the case….my children (and many others) are not being taught, trained and encouraged in safe and meaningful ways, within the School System!

How can we fix this? How can we work together to accomplish this?

ps. It is not my intent to disparage any specific teachers that my sons have or have had. I feel very strongly about the brokenness of the School system, specifically in regards to special needs children. I feel that there is a HUGE lack of knowledge, in regards to working with children that are Neuro-Diverse. I believe that there are a lot of teachers and staff are that are well-intentioned but unfortunately, unknowledgable regarding neuro-diversities.

There is a WEALTH of information available. I’d strongly suggest Stuart Shanker’s Self Reg as a great starting point….not only to aid with Students but also with Teachers and all School System Staff, in dealing with their own stresses.

Don’t Pick Up The Rope

Imagine that you are a child, standing on the edge of a cliff. You look up and on the other side of a deep gorge is another cliff. You look over to the side and there is a rickety looking string bridge. You aren’t certain of its ability to carry you safely across to the other side, and so you refuse to move. All your friends are on the other side and it looks like they might be having a lot of fun. But you refuse! You aren’t really sure how everyone got over there, but that bridge looks unsafe and safety wins out over fun, every time. You decide that you are not going ANYWHERE.

People suggest that you come over to the other side. You want to but……….refuse!
They tell you that you have to come over. You really aren’t sure if it’s safe…….so you continue to refuse.
They start to insist that you come over. That isn’t helping, you feel pressured and uncomfortable…
Voices get louder, more commanding and more demanding. You continue to dig your heels in and refuse to comply.

The harder they pull, the harder you pull…..just trying to remain safe.

All of the sudden you realize that people are pulling and forcing you towards the bridge.

You resist.
You yell.
You’re scared.
You scream.
You panic.
You start to thrash and flail.

You do anything to protect yourself from the uncertainty of what’s before you. In a blind panic, and completely incapable of rational and reasonable thought, you bolt. You run. Or conversely, you curl into a ball and cram yourself into the smallest corner available, so that no one will be able to force you into, what you are sure is, an unsafe situation.

How many times have we asked a child to do something and then been frustrated when the situation devolves into anger, defiance, rage or physicality? You don’t really understand because what you’re requesting is not something weird or terrifying. It seems a pretty simple request and yet……..the child is labelled oppositional, non compliant or defiant.

I hate those three words. Very rarely are those accurate adjectives to apply to a child.

I believe that we need to approach children from the viewpoint that they WANT to please and they WANT to succeed. If behaviours arise that appear contrary to them pleasing and succeeding, WE NEED TO PAUSE.

We, as the adults, need to question “What is at the root of the negative behaviours?”

Why this this child feeling anxious?
Why is this child feeling insecure?
Why is this child feeling less than capable?
What is feeling overwhelming to them?
What is feeling uncertain?
What is unclear?
What information are they missing or unsure of?
How can I help?

Going back to our picture at the top of the post…. Here is a different view of that situation.

You are, a child, standing alone on one side of the cliff. You are aware that you are missing out on what seems like fun on the other side. You feel alone, anxious and unsure. You are desperate to feel accepted and safe; and while you wish you could go over, safety wins over fun, every time. You realize that someone is calling your name. They crouch down beside you and ask if you’d like to join the rest of the class on the other side. You aren’t sure how to answer because you are scared. They start to explain what the rest of the kids are doing and it sounds SO fun. It’s too bad that the bridge is the only way over. They explain how the bridge was made and how many pounds it can carry; and that makes you feel a bit better but you’re still not sure you can believe them. They call another kid over, who crosses that scary bridge, and together they show you how two people can cross the bridge. You are still unsure. They tell you that it’s okay and that they will stay with you on this side. That makes you feel a bit better. They share a time when they felt scared and uncertain. You want to join your classmates but you really aren’t sure. You realize that the person isn’t going to force you but will stay with you and that makes you feel a little bit safer and a little bit stronger. You eventually agree to try to cross the bridge even though you still feel scared. It might take you longer, but with acceptance and relationship you can accomplish amazing things.
Instead of calling for the child to take action and then labeling them as non-compliant, what if we made the effort to understand and accept?

What if we stopped pulling on the children, which is only increasing their anxiety?
What if we didn’t “pick up the rope” in the first place?
What if we joined them, and validated their feelings and emotions without having to fix or change them?
What if we made sure they knew and understood the facts and information?
What if we found out what they were fearful of?
What if we explained how the bridge was made and why it is, in fact, safe to cross?
What if we explained exactly what was happening on the other side?
What if we told the child that we would cross with them?
What if we gave them the power to make the decision and until they did, we sat with them and gave them the opportunity to feel safe and accepted?
What if we built relationship instead of building conflict, opposition and disconnection?
What if we allowed the time and space for a child to feel safe?

I believe that this scenario plays out, at some point, with all children but that it’s especially true for children with anxiety, special/high needs and neuro-diversities.

It’s important to recognize that the majority of opposition and non-compliance stems from anxiety and insecurity.; and that we have the ability to make a difference in the way we view and approach children. We need to look beyond the bravado and indignancies of anxiety and insecurities; and see the cries for help.

We need to build trust and relationship instead of building conflict and disconnection. We need to join with them, where they are at; and when we have built a solid relationship founded on trust, we will go so much further than we, or they, could dream or imagine.

Don’t pick up the rope!

Good from Bad (part 2)

I’m wanting to put this down here so that I can just walk away from it over the next 2 weeks.

It’s not that anything HORRIBLE happened but it seems to me that it’s a lack of knowledge…..or, it could be that everyone was tired and emotional. But my responsibilities lie with the little one in my charge and I have the honor of standing up for him until he can stand for himself.

My biggest issue with what happened yesterday is the misunderstanding of what was really going on.

I believe children want to do their best and if for some reason they are acting in a way that doesn’t fit the situation……we, as adults, should be asking ourselves “what’s going on under the surface?”

Children want to please, they want to succeed and so often their “negative” or “inappropriate” behaviours are a result of their insecurities and anxieties over a situation that they can’t figure out, control or succeed at.

If our first response was not one of frustration or assumed disrespect, I believe that so many tense situations with our kids could be dissipated before the kids got stuck in fight or flight mode.

Siah was sad and overwhelmed and running away from those feelings and emotions. The harder people tried to force him to face those feelings, on his own…..the harder he dug his heels in. The moment that I joined him, in his feelings, and helped him to carry and process those feelings is the very moment that his defences started to come down.

This is not something that is solely applicable to Siah….this works for every child.

Believe that children want to succeed.
Believe that children want to please.
Know that something else is going on, if they are acting contrary to those two beliefs.
Attempt to determine the cause of the anxiety or anger
Empathize with the child ( you don’t have to fix the situation, validate their feelings and check in with the child to make sure they feel understood and that you have the correct read on the situation)

I have found that this works almost 100% of the time to dissolve anger and anxiety.

It’s almost impossible to work through anything or to teach a child when they are in fight/flight mode. And anxiety in children often presents as anger.

Anger is usually a secondary emotion to fear or sadness and usually presents when a child is feeling out of control.

Empathy and empowerment are two of the most critical tools when working with children, in my opinion.

As adults, it’s our responsibility to work with the children and to adjust to their needs and deficits while continuing to teach and encourage in those areas of deficit.

They are the vulnerable and needy. We need to put their needs first.

I believe that there may have been a personal desire to be in the assembly which may have prompted personal feelings of anxiety for missing a special event. But…..if the focus had been on why Siah was struggling and not on “just getting him back to the assembly”….the entire situation could have gone down very differently.

Think of a tug of war over a canyon….with the child on one side and an adult on the other….the canyon is the event or idea that is causing the anxiety…..the harder the adult pulls the child, the harder the child will pull back trying to remain in a place of safety. They will quickly lose all ability to reason and rationalize as they struggle to find a place of safety. If the rope is laid down and the adult crosses over to the child, they can stand together on the edge of the cliff and talk about the issue without the fear of being pulled into it. Once the adult lays the rope down, there is nothing for the child to be struggling against. They may be SO terrified that they don’t realize the rope has been laid down and it may take a moment to help calm them enough to see that……but it’s SO MUCH easier to do that beside them, then across the canyon.

Siah did go in and sing “What a Wonderful World” and I’m so glad he did. He sat with me at the back of the assembly and enjoyed the videos and the music. At one point, he leaned over to me and said, “Something good always comes from something bad…..the good thing in this bad situation is that I’ll get to meet a new principal, right mom?”

In the middle of his stress and anxiety and internal chaos……he’s still looking for the silver linings. I love that.

Our children will struggle – that’s a given – and some more than others, but it’s our job to stand beside them and to help guide them through, until they are strong enough and confident enough to do it on their own. It’s a privilege and honor to be able to be there for them, especially the more vulnerable ones.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this…..not necessarily Siah’s particular situation but this idea…..this idea that children inherently want to please and that we can help or hinder the situation with our actions and reactions. Is this a foreign concept to you?

I’d challenge you to try it then next time you come up against a child who seems defiant…..it will blow your mind!

Moving Forward The Morning After

So I posted last night…..

I was tired and emotional and probably if those two factors had not ganged up on me….I may have filtered myself a bit more or even just made less typos…..maybe….maybe not?!?

I don’t know that this morning brought any new clarity with it.

I woke up with a killer headache……….at 5:30am.

Yah, it’s been a long day already and it’s only noon-ish. Did not get back to sleep after that. BLERGH!!!!

On a side note….It’s gorgeous outside.

That is the view to my right….

and this is my view straight ahead…..

She’s not supposed to be on the couch….but I haven’t exactly kicked her off.

It’s the last day of school before the Christmas Break….and probably my last quiet (ish) day for the next two weeks.

So, I’m taking advantage of it. I’m sitting. The house is a mess, and I made Judah pancakes for lunch. He is currently trolling Netflix….I believe Ninjago is the show of choice at this exact moment.

I’m currently staring at my Christmas Tree trying to figure out what I’m thinking, but again with the 50 million thoughts going in 50 million directions.

I had a few people send me private messages of encouragement and those were so nice to hear.

I wonder if it’s about perspective.

I’m in the middle of it all. From my position, I look around me and I see children who are unique and amazing and challenging in their own fantastic ways. I see the screaming and the bickering and the squabbling and the challenges to get them to do their chores and take care of their responsibilities. I see their shortcomings and I want to work with them to strengthen those areas while at the same time encouraging them in their strengths. I see these amazing individuals with really great hearts even in spite of all the challenges that we’ve faced individually and as a family……. But it’s a constant effort to keep these 5 bodies moving in a forward direction.

We were so isolated over the “cancer years” and before then….doing almost anything with Jeremy required HERCULEAN effort and sometimes it was easier to just not do anything. Again…..very isolating.

It is hard when you’ve had it said to your face that people can’t be friends with you because your child is too difficult. Or to hear from others that you shouldn’t subject your children to people because they are too much effort to have around and be around.

Just typing both of those down….I realize how brutal those two comments are. I mean, I know how brutal they are….I’ve lived though both of those said directly to my face and more. But I can’t imagine saying those things to someone…..EVER!!! I love children. I especially love the challenging kids. The ones that make you think and keep you on your toes. The extremely smart kids that say the most incredible things but require a little more attention and focus……I love the regular kind of kids too, but somehow, the ones that people seem annoyed with or bothered by….the ones that talk and talk and talk and talk and never shut up……I LOVE those kids. I want to go out of my way to make sure that they feel special and included and NEVER EVER a bother or an inconvenience….

I get it. I know how much effort it is. I live it…..EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! Jeremy has not been the easiest child. He requires some effort. Well, he requires a lot amount of effort. So does Josiah in a different way and Judah….well, he’s a 3 year old. What 3 year old doesn’t require some attention and effort. My boys require effort……I know this. I guess, it would just feel really good to feel like others “want” to be with my kids. Do you know what I mean? I think that in spite of their particular challenges or maybe even as a result of them….that my kids……all 5 of them are pretty amazing. I’d love to feel like others felt that too and wanted to spend time with them….not cause they HAD to, but because they WANTED to.

So, to those who have said something…..THANK YOU. Really! I appreciate it more than you may ever know.

I’m not sharing this in the hopes that people will “do” something. I am just trying to unravel some of this mess inside myself. Part of that is dealing with the hurts and wounds that I have or have gotten.

I realize that I’ve been hurt and I definitely have some sore, open wounds when it comes to my kids and how they are perceived and received.

And this OBVIOUSLY colors how I hear people comment on my kids.

So the school wanting to help Siah….turns into….HE’S A PROBLEM…..which I can’t even fathom….cause he’s freaking sweet kid who can read and write and wants to please…….and then I go…WHAT….WHAT do I even do with that….

How could be he a problem…..which, when it comes down to it….that is not even the issue at all.

He is a great kid….who has some quirks and may require “some individualized strategies” to help him succeed and how do we (parents & school) as a collective team help him to achieve success?

So we met, and talked through some things and I think I have a better perspective. I think we are more on the same page than I “felt”.

Which is great.

Not that the whole things doesn’t still stress me out….but the Principal….she’s an amazing lady, encouraged me to trust them and to just “plug my nose and JUMP!”

I believe this school and these people are amazing people…..I believe they truly care about Josiah. I really do believe that they want the best for him. That they want him to succeed. And so…..I jump.

I’m scared.
I’m nervous.
I’m sure I’ll need reassurance again.

But…..

I want to trust.
I want to believe.
I want to be in “community.”

and so….

I carry on…

one step after the other…..hopefully in a forward direction. 🙂

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