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Day 13 – Texas

We had the most incredible thunderstorm roll through last night between 1am and 4am. So much rain and thunder and lightening; and our trailer weathered it like a champ.

We spent the day traveling from Bay St Louis, Mississippi to Austin, Texas where we were headed to see family. It was a mostly uneventful 12 hour day of travel.

As we left Mississippi and headed into Louisana the sun came out and the sky started to clear.

There was a wind blowing from the north and we were heading west. The cross winds made for a wheel griping ride for Jon. The trailer really wobbles in the wind and there was a tremendous amount of road work which meant that they had the road shifted over into the shoulder which mean there was little to no shoulder to handle the trailer wobble.

I find the forest to be so interesting in the south. It’s all the same height and when the highway goes up high over low lands or rivers you can see the tops of the tress and it looks like an ocean of green puffy clouds extending forever. As you get into Texas, the entire height of the forest shrinks by a few feet.

We stopped in Lake Charles, Louisana for lunch, a bathroom break and gas. We stopped at Wendy’s which was next to this crazy building that was mostly boarded up. Apparently it used to be the IRS and FBI but they’ve relocated. No idea what happened here but it’s crazy looking. The blue panels are glass the but brown panels are all boarded up wood.

I don’t know what I was expecting Texas to look like but it’s a lot greener, at least the parts that we’ve seen so far. I understand that it will change as we travel further west.

There are miles of these fields filled with colourful flowers that just look so beautiful. And I’m not the only one who thinks so as there were tons of families and photographers out taking photos in the flowering fields.

We stopped in Brenham and got chicken fingers and fries from Jack in the Box and we can finally check that restaurant off our list.

As we drove into Austin, the sun was setting and it was so incredible beautiful. The photo doesn’t even begin to do it justice.

Our first stop was to see Tyrone – one of Jon’s cousins. We’ve met Tyrone before when we came and stayed with us in Abbotsford. I can see Josiah, in Tyrone’s look and it’s always fun to see family resemblance. We also met Tyrone’s oldest daughter, Alishah. We chatted and hugged and our visit was way to brief. It’s been an incredible experience for the boys to meet family from Jon’s side of the family. My family is mostly all near by in Canada and we are close but Jon’s family, on both sides, are spread all over the world so this is a truly special experience.

We hugged and said good bye and headed out to Jon’s other cousin’s place where we are going to park for the next day or two.

We arrived in the dark and got about parking the trailer. We received such a warm welcome from family that we’ve (Patti and the boys) never met and Jon hasn’t seen in 40 years. We sat and chatted until midnight. The boys were so happy and comfortable talking with the extended family and it was just incredible to see.

I feel like a broken record but there are so many soul warming moments. Our hearts just feel so full! We are so very thankful for this incredible experience to see the States and visit family.

Day 9 – Arkansas

It’s our last day in Arkansas before we move on with our trip and I’m determined to hold every moment with so much gratitude.

Dalton had the day off today which was awesome. He, Xani and Jon hopped in Xani’s Mini Cooper and ran out to pick up eggs, bacon and sausage for breakfast. I’m sure we could have planned better but it was just another moment to be together and remember.

Jon and Dalton were in charge of breakfast and they did a fabulous job. It was delicious! Complete with grits and Jimmy Dean sausage. To be honest, I did not eat the grits; but I heard someone say they were delicious.

After breakfast, we tidied up and the boys headed to the range. Xani and I stayed behind. I was tempted to go but the lure of some quiet time was too much for this introvert.

The boys had fun and I took a shower, did a little prep for tomorrows travel and Xani made snickerdoodles. I helped her roll the dough balls and then we sat in the sun for a bit. It was a such a lovely day just being with the people I love.

We had talked about possibly having seafood for dinner but by the time dinner rolled around we decided to go to Waffle House. The boys were so excited because it’s internet famous for always being open no matter what.

Having never been, I was expecting more of a family restaurant but it was more like a diner. We squished 6 of us into 4 person booth with 2, on chairs at the end.

Before we arrived, I had figured that I didn’t want waffles so I’d probably just get a salad or something light. But the menu has waffles and eggs and hashbrowns and grilled cheese and basically it’s carbs with a few proteins like eggs, bacon and sausage to balance it out.

Jude said the waffle were spectacular. 10 out of 10 and it got an “S” rating – which I understand to mean Superior – for both the food and the service.

It was late when we arrived and by 8:30 the waitress suggested we not stick around as they would be closing at 9pm. We said that we understood they were open 24 hours so why were they closing; and she said that the drive through would be open but they closed the indoor dining as this was the ghetto and we’d be likely to get mugged if we stuck around. It was a funny way to round out the day.

We went back home and Siah checked in on his school work, we packed a few things up and went to bed a bit earlier as we were planning to get on the road to Bay St Louis early.

It’s bittersweet to be leaving my sweet girl but knowing how well she is loved by this incredible family makes it easier.

We absolutely enjoyed every moment getting to know these guys. They are such good people with great hearts; authentic and real and we hope to be able to see them again soon. We are so thankful that you opened your home and hearts to us. We feel blessed to call you family.

Day 9 – Arkansas

It’s our last day in Arkansas before we move on with our trip and I’m determined to hold every moment with so much gratitude.

After breakfast, we tidied up and the boys headed to the range. Xani and I stayed behind. I was tempted to go but the lure of some quiet time was too much for this introvert.

Having never been, I was expecting more of a family restaurant but it was more like a diner. We squished 6 of us into 4 person booth with 2, on chairs at the end.

Jude said the waffle were spectacular. 10 out of 10 and it got an “S” rating – which I understand to mean Superior – for both the food and the service.

We went back home and Siah checked in on his school work, we packed a few things up and went to bed a bit earlier as we were planning to get on the road to Bay St Louis early.

It’s bittersweet to be leaving my sweet girl but knowing how well she is loved by this incredible family makes it easier.

Details

Hello Friends,

We are in the final countdown of the last days of Angelica’s Treatment.

It’s so exciting….not counting today, it’s 5 days left. YAHOO!

Some of you may have heard and I’m so sorry if you have not, but we are celebrating on Sunday September 30th from 2-4pm at the cafeteria at Walnut Grove Secondary School.

You can let us know if you need directions, but we’d love to have you join us as we celebrate the very last day of Geli’s Treatment and the first day of the rest of her life…..

What an amazing day. We are so looking forward to it.

We had a HUGE day at the hospital yesterday and I’m still recovering from it all. We left our house at 9am and didn’t walk back in the door until 5:30pm. It was all good news and we are so looking forward to wrapping this phase of our life up and starting to move forward in a life without daily chemo. We are looking forward to building strength and regaining that which was lost…..to just moving forward instead of feeling stuck.

We’d love to have you join us.

We’ll have coffee and cake available so if you can, stop by, we’d love to see all of you who have supported us and helped to carry us through these past 2.5 years…..it’s been quite the journey and we are so thankful that you’ve been there along the way helping us to keep moving forward.

Let me know if you need more details…..look forward to seeing you.

Moments to Breathe

A couple of weekends ago, we were gifted with the opportunity to stay in a cabin down at Birch Bay.

We weren’t sure what to expect, but the thought of “just getting away” from everything was huge and so we threw 1 change of clothes, a set of pyjamas and our toiletries into bags. We threw some bedding into the van, grabbed our passports and headed over the line.

all packed in the van

We left our house later than we would have liked, and as a result arrived later than we would have liked. We also had to stop and pick up a few groceries once we hit the States. I am SO thankful that Jon had planned up a rough menu for us as my head was just not screwed on right and it took everything I had to just get us ready and even when he came home from work……I still wasn’t “ready” for us to go.

I find that aspect of all of this to be one of the more frustrating things. I just can’t keep things straight in my mind right now. I’m too exhausted. I’m missing things and other thigns are slipping in between the cracks and in a lot of ways, it ends up costing our family. the fact that I can’t organize things like I used to is costing us….it’s costs us time and money and energy and adds stress. I HATE that I feel like I’m adding to the overall burden. But, I’ve reached my max….almost 2 years in and I’ve realized that i very definitely do have a “limit”. I cannot do it all. That alone is humbling and depressing and so very VERY frustrating. It’s not that I thought I COULD do it all, but I know that I can handle a lot…..and knowing that I’ve reached my limit……*big sigh*….it’s tough!

Anyone who comes has a big family, knows that “vacation” has a very loose interpretation of the word. It’s more like a change of pace or change of scenery for the parents. There is still much to co-ordinate, and meals to make and clean up from. Meds to dispense. Kids to put to bed….and hopefully, if we are very blessed….a small bit of rest to be had.

We arrived at the cabin and unloaded everything. The kids were SO excited to be there. They immediately set off exploring the cabin and the property; and we were so warmly greeted by the neighbors. It was so nice.

We made assigned the kids rooms and made up beds and dispersed bags to the appropriate rooms and finally got the kids in their pyjamas and settled and then Jon and I headed to sleep. In spite of the busy-ness of arriving…..the place felt peaceful. I could hear the waves crashing and could smell the wet sea air. It’s a good thing that Jon and I went to sleep as soon ans we could because the boys were up bright and early.

I think Jeremy was the first up….he was the most excited out of all of us to be there. He was alomst quivering with excitement.

The kids occupied themselves while Jon and I prepared breakfast.

Judah found these Duplo blocks and spent a ton of time building “legos” with them. It was so cute to see him play like this. We actually pulled out our own Duplo blocks once we got home and he has spent many happy hours playing with the box of Duplo.

After breakfast, we headed on down to the beach…..

It was still pretty cold at 9am in the morning, but the boys were determined to be outside, at the water’s edge. Judah was thrilled to be getting dirty. He’s a true boy.

The boys walked up and down the beach front….

I think that we must have re-located half the rocks on the beach out a few yards…

It was so nice to see everyone relaxing and smiling and just forgetting about everything for a while.

We skipped rocks and found crabs and watched excitedly and with great anticipation for the tide to go out.

Siah got a bit cocky and what do you don’t see, is the next picture where he is running for the shore with his boots full of freezing cold ocean water. He waded out far enough and a wave came in strong enough that it washed right over the edge of his gumboots.

Judah was So excited to be out splashing int he water too. He was initially cautious and then his excitement and curiosity go the better of him and in the end, he ended up falling into the water despite our repeated warnings and got soaked…..

Geli found a path out to a sand bank and loved the feel of the cool sand in between her toes. My kids have always been water bugs. I think it must be in their genes….they are so attracted to the water and seem to thrive in any water environment.

By this point, we were getting chilly, between the cold water and the cold wind…BRRRRR! SO we headed back inside to get a bit warmed up. We played some games and ate some popcorn and just relaxed.

Jon even got in a short nap…

Here is Geli goofing around with a water bottle. The bottles boasted that they used 50% less plastic and well…it certainly seemed so as the bottles were so flimsy.

After a while we realized that the tide had gone WAY out and had left some amazing looking tidal pools that were just begging to be explored.

The birds were out and the sun was shining and it looked amazing.

It was so incredibly beautiful out there. There were miles and miles of beauty just begging to be photographed.

We found the coolest looking shells and weird shrimp looking things, crabs and other sea creatures, including sand dollars.

Jeremy had noticed a fire pit back up in the yard and was desperate to roast some marshmallows. We headed back up and the kids made a huge mess of themselves.

I don’t know how you get marshmallow spread out over your face from your eyebrows to your chin….it’s a skill, I tell you.

There were SO Many great photo opportunities. If you are interested in checking out my WAY TOO MANY photos….click on this link.

It was an amazing time and I was so grateful for the opportunity to get away. What an absolute blessing. It was exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it. It was a little slice of heaven in our crazy lives.

Thank you! THANK you! THANK YOU!!!! for this incredible opportunity. We are so blessed.

Community

I had the opportunity this morning to speak with an amazing group of ladies at a church here in Langley.

This church has supported us in so many incredible ways and I was so thankful for the opportunity to “give back” and to share some of our story and some of my story.

I had 15 minutes to share on community and our walk through life with others.

I used 3 key points that I shared from.

– Shame and Fear will trap us and keep us isolated and feeling alone.
– Vulnerability and Authenticity are the keys to building relationship and community
– Knowing your True Worth is the key to allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of others.

I shared on how in the past, my insecurities (read that as Shame and Fear) kept me from wanting to be in relationship with other people. About 7 years ago, We went to this amazing church out in Abbotsford that challenged that belief that I had about myself. They challenged me to see myself the way that God sees me, to see that I am worth being accepted and loved and supported and encouraged. Slowly I started to believe that I was worth more than I was believing about myself. I wanted to live in relationship and community with people and to not be isolated.

In my own personal journey, I had taken many steps forward away from Shame and Fear and Isolation and then, last June, Angelica was diagnosed with Cancer. My world shrunk down and for a year I was in basically a forced isolation within my house. I realized that I didn’t like the isolation. Somewhere along my journey, I had gotten some emotional healing and grown to the point that I liked being in community and it took a forced isolation to really cement it home in my life that I WANT TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY AND RELATIONSHIP and not in isolation.

During the past year, I realized that I could not handle the pressure and stress of what we were going through alone and after fighting against shame and fear…..I reached outside of myself. I was vulnerable and I asked for help.

The response was incredible and overwhelming.

We received enough help that I felt like I could finally breathe again. It was overwhelming and quite literally a life saver.

Without starting to grasp a hold of the concept that I was worth being accepted and love and supported….if I hadn’t started to realize that I was worthy of all of those things….I would have never been able to ask for help. I would have never been able to open up and say that I was less than perfect. I would never have been able to admit that couldn’t handle it all on my own. But in being vulnerable and open about myself and our situation…..I received even more than I had asked for.

In our society today, we are so busy and there are so many opportunities to hide behind our insecurities and fears and as a result, be, or at the very least “feel” alone. I also believe that we as people are craving opportunities to connect and to live within community.

Being open, transparent, vulnerable allows others into our lives and in turn, we are then a part of their lives…..building community, building relationships. I’ve found that being open encourages others to also be open which sets the stage for deeper and more meaningful relationships. Vulnerability is not always easy, but it is SO WORTH IT!

You are worth being loved.
You are worth being accepted.
You are worth being supported.
You are worth being encouraged.
You have so much value and worth.

It was amazing to actually meet this group of ladies, to see them face to face and to be able to thank them for all their support and love.

I’m not sure, but I think I was within my 15 minute time frame……I hope! The Music Team sang a fabulous song when I was finished talking and the whole morning just came together so well.

I am SO thankful to be apart of this community. The Community of Walnut Grove, the Alex Hope elementary School and North Langley Community Church…..has supported and blessed us so much and cannot thank you enough.

I’m so grateful to be apart of this amazing community!

Laying Aside The Pride…….

This is a difficult post for me to write.

I need help.

I hate asking for help. I hate needing help. I’ve taken great pride in being able to take care of my family on my own and now……..now I am coming humbly and asking for help.

Up until now, I’ve been trying to “do” everything and honestly, we are not doing well. I am not doing well. I feel completely overwhelmed and like I am at my breaking point. I, personally, have had one too many melt downs just recently and I need to be a bit stronger to deal with the demands on my time and energy for the long haul. I’d like to say that were it not for all this cancer crap, that I’d be doing okay but…..we are dealing with cancer and 5 kids and all the craziness and chaos that surrounds us.

I’ll do a more detailed update on how we (individually) are all doing soon, but honestly, it’s not pretty. It’s pretty rough over here and we have a long road ahead of us.

There are about 32 weeks of Intensive Chemotherapy Treatment left for Angelica before she starts the maintenance stage. This (the maintenance stage) is when our Doctor has talked about things getting back to more of a normal stage of life. Until then, not counting any time for delays, we are looking at more than 6 months of treatment. That’s a long time!

Right now, we feel like we are barely hanging on and while we’ve had offers of help in the past, we just didn’t know what to do with the help. And…..I thought I’d be able to deal with everything.

And so, to anyone who has offered or is interested, I’m asking for help!

There are so many ways that someone could help. It doesn’t have to be a huge commitment. It could be a one time commitment, or weekly or even monthly. It could be 15 minutes or longer and there are many different ways that you could help. From cleaning, to meals, to helping with the kids, to sending a card or e-mail – anything that helps to lift some of the burden from us would be amazing.

The strain of dealing with the Chemotherapy Treatment is SO MUCH GREATER than just some physical discomfort for Angelica. Walking your child through the Treatment is a full time job. There are the physical issues that come as a result of the treatment like nausea, vomiting, mouth sores, weight loss, lack of appetite, muscle loss due to inactivity as a result of the physical devastation of the chemo drugs, insomnia, fatigue and pain. There is the mental anguish and fear from everything going on and not understanding 100%, to the fear of the unknown and the future. There is the schedule of treatment. It’s a brutal wicked schedule and the treatment center is an hour away from us, more if there is traffic. It is a huge thing to deal with.

Add in 4 other children each with their own specific needs and add on top of that the fear and confusion of having a sister dealing with cancer and a mom and dad who are distracted and overwhelmed and not available in the way that they have been.

Add in 2 jobs, neither of which are being done well. Add in the extra house work and meals and school work, oh and the stress of not having any time to invest in each other or the kids, individually, throw in finances and you have an unbelievable recipe for disaster. This is not even the whole picture……

I’m not trying to whine and complain. Realistically, this is just where we are at.

We are so grateful and thankful for every thing, big and small that we’ve been blessed with. We have been so SO blessed by so many.

If you have offered to help or are interested in helping, we are at the place where we are willing to accept it and we hope that we have an easy way to explain what we need.

We are not expecting anything and right now, we have nothing more than our gratefulness and thankfulness to offer in return.

But…….if you are interested in helping, please click here and see the sheet that we’ve created with some of the details.

Encouragement

I’ve got this hanging on my wall right now.

It’s in full view on the wall right in between my kitchen and my living/dining room.

And I must look at it a million times a day…..OK, maybe not that many, but I look at it a lot.

This was given to me about a week ago by a woman that Jon went to school with. They managed to meet up at Children’s Hospital last week and she gave him a present. She had read a couple of posts of mine…one that talked about “Keeping Calm” and another that talked about “Carrying On” and then she thought of this wall hanging and had to get it for me.

I LOVE it.

It speaks so much more to me than just a gift or just a great phrase. It encourages me immensely. Shannon and her sons and their whole family have their own journey that they are walking and it’s not an easy one and in the middle of her own battle she reached out to love and encourage us. I look at this sitting on my wall and at times when I feel alone – it speaks to me that there are so many out there loving, praying, and standing with us cheering us on.

Thank you, Shannon. Thank you for reaching out and encouraging me. Thanks for your support and your love. Thank you!

Love

I’ve been sitting here writing and deleting this first sentence over and over and over unsure of which words to write.

I don’t have the words…….

I LOVE words. I love to use words to paint pictures, to express myself, to help bring clarity out of chaos, to communicate, to share to love…..I love words and right now the combo of exhaustion, and feeling overwhelmed and completely unworthy have left me without the use of my words.

She shaved her head for me, for us….for my daughter, for my family, and I can’t find the words to express my appreciation, my love, my amazement at her strength, caring, compassion, drive…….. She is amazing.

We’ve been friends for almost our whole entire lives. We’ve been through ups and downs. We’ve been through good times and bad times. We’ve lived near and far and through it all we have loved. I honestly don’t ever remember being mad at her. I’m sure that as kids growing up, we must have had the odd squabble now and then, but I don’t remember ever being upset or angry or disappointed with her. She is my forever friend and I love her dearly.

The cheese and bake shop that she manages, heard about Angelica and decided to donate their tips to our family. Hearing this, my friend announced that when the total of donations reached $2,000 – she would shave her head.

This is not something that we asked for and to be honest, I’m not sure that I really wanted her to shave her head. It’s not an easy thing to do and I just didn’t want her to feel pressured into doing it. At the same time, there are so many things that I have learned from shaving my head, and I wouldn’t want to stop her from her own journey in life……

I really wasn’t sure that they would end up reaching the goal anyway, so I stopped thinking about it.

At the end of August, the goal was reached (and in fact it has been surpassed) and my friend set the date for the big head shave for this past Saturday September 11.

We weren’t able to be at the actual shaving, but we participated in the event through Skype.

There were tears and laughter and the emotions ran high.

We were so touched to have someone sacrifice of their time and energy and their hair in support of us. We were so touched by all who donated and took part in supporting us in any way big and small.

I’m fumbling for words and the more I try to type, the less able I seem to be able to say what I really want to say.

My friend, you are beautiful. You are amazing. You are such a support and encouragement. In your own times of trial and stress, you give and give and give and LOVE. We feel so blessed to have you in our lives.

I love you more than my words can adequately express.

For all you’ve done and given and sacrificed and loved………Thank You!

Silence Filled With Thankfulness

I’m sitting here in the silence of my home. The baby is squirming in his sleep and Angelica is sleeping on the couch across the room from me.

My sister, Michelle, took Xandra camping. My sister, Debbie, took Jeremy camping, and my parents took Siah camping. Yes, they are all camping together. It’s hard being here and not with them…but it is what it is and it’s not forever….again, this is just a season and we will go camping again, hopefully next year!

I should be doing laundry and cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming the upstairs hall and bedrooms, and cleaning the boys room and tidying the kitchen, but I’m not…..I’m just sitting.

Sometimes, you just have to sit and breathe….and I need to do that right now.

Often when I do slow down long enough to think about all of this, I’m struck by how blessed we have been. I think of how much love we’ve been shown by so many. It’s truly awe inspiring.

I’m so thankful to everyone who has helped us and given to us in any measure. We are so grateful to everyone who has in someway shared this “load” with us. There are times that we feel crushed (but not destroyed) under the weight of all of this and when we shift our focus off of how difficult this all is, it’s easier to see that there are so many standing around with us carrying a piece of this or even propping us up. Every meal, every gift card, every package, every gift, every comment, every prayer, every e-mail or Facebook message, every donation, every little thing no matter how big or how small, has truly impacted us.

You are all so kind, thoughtful and generous. Your love comes from near and far and wraps around us and helps to carry us through….and in the silence of today…..I think about you all and I’m so thankful.

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