With 2 weeks left in this year, I’m desperate for the year to be over.
I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I miss hugging the people I love. I miss…..everything. I miss normalcy. I miss the way it used to be.
Too often I feel miserable!
Not the sad, despondent kind of misery but the angry, annoyed, grouchy kind of miserable.
It doesn’t really make sense to be wishing this year away because between December 31, 2020 and January 1, 2021 nothing magical will have changed. There will be no “returning to normal.”
I think what I’m desperately seeking is HOPE.
Hope that things will be better. Hope that things will get easier. Hope that things will change.
I’m so tired of “holding it together”. I want to cry when my kids start to squabble. I want to send them to their rooms just so I won’t have to muster up the energy to help them navigate their own feelings of exhaustion and stress.
I want to be on a beach, in the sun, doing nothing. I want a magically clean house. I want time to be able to take care of my responsibilities. And the energy to actually do them.
I want space to breathe without feeling like I’m gasping for air. I want space to be able to paint and draw and write. I want to feel like I’m enjoying life and not like I’m constantly having to search for the glimmer of light within the darkness.
There is no “returning to normal.” I’ve been through enough trauma and tragedy to know that life doesn’t work like that. I know that holding on to the idea that things will go back to the way they were is not helpful for me. I need to grieve what has been lost and move forward. To find and create a new normal; but that’s not always easy…….
I’m tired. I’m so very tired. And that’s okay.
It’s been a tiring year.
Maybe in the “waiting for the end”; I’m also waiting for the beginning of what is to come.
That moment when a person in the water is struggling with all their might. Gasping for air. Popping above the water just long enough to gulp a quick breath. It’s not quite enough to refresh or revive but it’s just enough to prolong the inevitable. Your adrenaline kicks in and even though you’re exhausted, you still thrash around wasting precious energy, air, resources……
That’s a bit how I feel.
I’d say it’s been quite a week. But on further reflection, it’s been quite a month, and a hell of a year and quite honestly, it’s been a decade of chaos and loss and trauma.
There’s something about the idea of surrender. Something still and quiet and peaceful. In some ways, it feels like failure or giving up. And I guess it truly is “giving up”. Giving up on the assumption that I can “do” all of this. Giving up the arrogance that says I’m super human and can do the impossible. Giving up on the idea that I’m in control.
Often we think that “drowning + surrender = death” but maybe we are focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe “drowning + surrender = truly living”.
Maybe it’s the weight that we need to surrender.
Maybe it’s the chaos that we need to surrender.
Maybe it’s the control that we need to surrender.
And maybe…in the surrender, we will be able to truly live, unencumbered by weight that drags us down, tires us out and distracts us from what we really want to do.
It’s probably a good thing that I have a counselling appointment tomorrow, eh?
Well, I started #microblogmonday and then skipped a week…but that’s ok, right.
Back at it today.
We managed to get “Christmas” put away yesterday and now my house feels so much more open and roomy. I love the glow of the Christmas lights, but am always SO HAPPY to take it all down and reclaim my house.
Jon’s off work this week and so we are just taking it easy.
We went and saw Unbroken last night. I really didn’t want to go and see it because I assumed it would be a fairly intense movie and my life is fairly intense. I like to “escape” into movies with lighthearted and somewhat implausible story lines. But, the people I was with really wanted to see Unbroken and so I went. It was a good movie….just intense.
As far as the whole “Food Addiction” goes, I’ve managed to do really well throughout Christmas although it’s not been without some serious mental gymnastics. I find it SO interesting the games my mind will try to play on me……sugar is a drug. SO NOT COOL!!!! I’ll try to post part 3 of My Journey with Food Addiction soon.
I want to get these days recorded here before I forget details and moments.
I’m so thankful to have the pictures to look at and remember.
It’s long been a rule that no one is allowed to get their stockings until after 7am. You must stay in your bed until 7am and “woe be to you” if you wake any other person in the house up…..especially before then. The last few years….no one’s woken up before 7am….unless you count Xandra waking up in the middle of the night and going down to sleep on the couch until morning.
This year, the kids got up and even took Judah up to open his stocking. Sometimes, having the older ones who are able to take care of the little ones really turns out in your favor.
This is the first year EVER that I didn’t get up to see them open their stockings. I was TOO tired. In fact, I stayed in bed until after 8am…..until finally the kids could wait on longer and came down to wake me up.
This was my view as I walked up the stairs from the basement……the wreckage and aftermath of the stockings.
We also make the kids eat breakfast first, before we open any presents….just drawing out the agony a little bit longer…..
Normally, breakfast is a whole lot fancier than this, but this year……we rocked the cereal and I even let the older 4 kids have “normal” cereal.
After Breakfast, we moved over to the couches to open presents. I manned the camera and enjoyed my Christmas treat of coffee…..
There were a few cuddles while we waited for everyone to get there.
Jon passed out the presents and the unwrapping commenced….
There was a lot of happy squeals and shouts as the presents were opened.
After Christmas Eve, Judah had finally figured out what the whole deal with presents was.
He was very excited to unwrap….
and to keep unwrapping…..he must have worked on that gift for about 10 minutes. It was pretty cute.
It was a great Christmas morning. It was a bit more subdued that usual, but even that was okay…
After the presents were opened, there was a bit of a lull as the kids enjoyed their gifts…
It was so good to just have a “normal, boring” Christmas. No Hospital visits or illness to bring stress to the day….just our family…..together. Perfect!
The kids played nicely together while we got the dinner ready.
Everyone got changed out of their jammies before we ate dinner. The girls were pretty excited to get new clothes and jewlery….how fun! It’s so nice to see Geli looking so healthy….last years photos are not as cheery!
Daddy and his boys…
After dinner, the excitement of the day was started to show and the little ones were wearing down…
We played a few games….
…..where did you go?….
And the big kids played games too….
Finally, it was bedtime and we shooshed them all off to bed because we had one more day of fun still to go……
It’s hard to believe that Christmas is over, but is it….
The weeks leading up to Christmas were a bit insane with trying to get all the presents made, but we did it. In fact, this year, I was actually ready for Christmas by the morning of the 24th. That’s the earliest that I’ve ever been ready. Now, to be honest, we did have to run out to the store to pick up one thing and trade out some pajamas that we bought for Judah. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I bought his original pajamas 2 sizes too small…..anyway….other than that, Christmas Eve was a nice relaxing day.
We started having a Christmas Eve Fondue with Jon’s parents a few years ago and it’s become a Tradition. As soon as we start to think about Christmas, decorate for Christmas, or start to think about making presents….the kids start to ask about Christmas Eve fondue.
I love that we have these fun traditions with our family. It just seems to make things more exciting and special.
Judah is especially excited because the entire fondue was Gluten-Free and Dairy-Free. So it was safe for all of us. YAH! What’s even better….it was FREAKING DELICIOUS!
After we finished our meal, we decided to open presents first and then to come back to eat dessert – Chocolate Fondue – after we were finished opening presents.
Siah was SO Excited! He could hardly wait to open his presents. Jeremy was also so VERY excited, but he just wanted to be able to give the presents that he had bought with his own money! It was very sweet.
This is the first time that Judah has really “gotten” into opening presents and he had so much fun. He absolutely LOVED this present that his Nana & Papa bought for him.
He has played with his car non-stop.
After we opened our presents, we headed back for some Chocolate Fondue!
Angelica was loving her some Chocolate Strawberries…
And then her and Nana started to goof around a little….
It was pretty funny!
After the Chocolate Fondue, we sent the kids off to change into their Christmas Pajamas. Isn’t he cute?
Nana and Geli….
Xani….all three, so pretty!
We started a game of Apples to Apples….
I played about 2 rounds and then Judah couldn’t handle it any longer…..
….and so I put him out out his misery.
After the game, we sat down for our traditional Christmas Story. This year we choose to read, Humphrey the Christmas Camel.
After all the kids were put to bed, and the stocking’s were stuffed and the house was closed down for the night……we headed off to bed….this is probably the earliest that we’ve been to bed on a Christmas Eve…only 1:45am. Not bad, eh?
Hey everybody! I was thinking about selling some paintings for Christmas, and wondered if you had any ideas of what I could paint. I have one idea: a Cancer Ribbon Butterfly, (look up pictures on Google, I can’t do the hyperlink thing) and was wondering if anyone was interested in that??? They’ll be biggerish paintings, I have two 60x80cm canvases. So if you could give some examples of something you might like, I’ll see what I can do and put them up somewhere (still not sure where yet) and sell ’em.
So I’m sitting in front of my happy light crying…..how ironic is that?
I do believe that I’m about due for that whole monthly thing within the next week (I apologize if that’s TMI for ya) but even knowing that doesn’t really make me feel that much better.
I don’t feel Christmas-y AT ALL! I’ve been going through the motions, trying to convince myself that “I’m SO EXCITED that its Christmas time” because….well….because I typically LOVE Christmas and maybe, just maybe I can convince myself into being happy and excited about Christmas instead of just wishing it were over already!
This is a tough year. We are still in the trenches of our fight against cancer, but the intensity of the situation has lifted just enough that we can look around a little and breathe. In some ways, that feels just as bad as when we were in the thick of it all and all we could really concentrate on was just getting through the day. At least then, we didn’t really have the time or energy to see what we “were” or “were not” doing. We were just trying to do our best and to “exist” through a very tough time. Not that I have a lot of time or energy right now, but I do have a little bit more than I did back then…..YAH for small victories….sorta!
I was listening to the radio as I drove the kids to school this morning and a story came on about a little boy who was diagnosed with Leukemia when he was 4. He’s now five and the the radio station was raising money to help make this an amazing Christmas for him and his family. They mentioned the part where he’s been in treatment for the past year and that he has another 2 years of treatment to go…..My first throught was…..That’s horrible! That’s such a long time. My second thought was…..Oh Yah! That’s where we are at!
We don’t have to go through two more years of treatment, but we do have to go through another year of treatment and it’s tough. I cried for that little boy’s family. I know what they are feeling. I know how tough it’s been for them. I cried for our family. It’s been a tough year and a half.
And so I cry. I try to pull myself together. I turn my Happy Light on and dream of sunshine and warm beaches…..
I’m not sure why but the baby has started to take a nap on the couch. What I mean is that if I nurse him, he will fall asleep and then if I put him on the couch….he will stay asleep. If I put him into his crib….not so much. This makes no sense to me but if I can have a few minutes without someone whining and clinging to my pants legs…..then I’m just going to go with it.
I’m EXHAUSTED. I’ve been on the go since November the 13th because I’ve had one thing or another planned. First I was trying to get ready for the Craft Fair, and then I needed to get ready for a Christmas Party/Cookie Swap and I also was feeling quite a bit of stress about doing the whole Hospital/Chemo thing by myself….
Today is more or less a down day except I have to pile ALL the kids into the car and take Geli and Jeremy to see our Family Dr. later this afternoon. It always feels stressful when I have to take all of the kids somewhere especially when there is a fairly good opportunity to act out or misbehave.
I’m trying to figure out what we are going to do about Christmas this year. With Jon being laid off from work and the lag in getting his next paycheck, things are tight. I’m trying to figure out what I can make – as in homemade gifts – but there is always this guilt that the kids are going to be disappointed. I know that in the grand scheme of things that life and love and togetherness are the most important, but as parents we want to give our children special things, right? I have been talking with the kids about “giving” as opposed to receiving and I do know that things will work out okay. I just seem to do really well when I have a plan; when I know exactly what I’m going to do or what to expect….I’m still trying to figure things out and to be able to do it without feeling frazzled or stressed.
I’m really trying to eliminate stressors from my life. I want to be able to enjoy life and to not be stressing about too many things on my plate or about all the things that I could or should be doing. It’s not so easy to find the balance and yet I’m really working on it. I’m trying to live within my capabilities and to be able to really enjoy “living” life and not just existing. I’m trying to be present for my family and with my kids. This is also not as easy as it sounds like it could be and yet…I believe it’s doable. I’m also trying to embrace the season that I’m in.
I’m a mom. I have two little boys. I remember how much work it was when I had three little ones (Geli, Xani and Jeremy) because I’m right back in the thick of those early days. Siah is 4 and Judah is 1 and it’s not an easy phase. What I have going for me is that I know that it won’t last forever and that I want to really enjoy this time with them. It’s tough. It’s exhausting. It’s messy. There is a lot of whining and diaper changing and wiping runny noses and cleaning and tidying and doing the same things (like rescuing a child from on top of the table, building block towers, or reading the same 2 books) over and over and over again. There is little sleep and even less “me” time, and yet, when I look at these little boys….at all of my kids, I’m so thrilled that they are mine and I’m awed with the responsibility of raising them. I believe in them and will try my best to raise them to be amazing men and women. It’s a lot of work, but they are worth every bit of time and energy.
We had our day at the hospital yesterday and for whatever reason, the Oncology clinic was PACKED with kids and parents. At one point every seat was taken, inside and outside of the clinic and there were a TON of parents and kids standing. This meant that the 1 hour appt took 4 hours. Which SUCKS SO BAD! And, the whole deal with Angelica and the itching that she’s been experiencing…..nothing. They don’t believe that it has anything to do with the chemo or anything Oncology related and so we are just to Monitor it. That’s not so cool as far as I’m concerned. I don’t know what to do exactly and I’m just hoping that things will get better and not worse. I’m hoping that Geli will “test the waters” so to speak, tonight and we will see whether or not things are improving, holding steady or getting worse.
Aside from the itching, Angelica is doing okay. She is on the mend, but it taking longer than is normal or expected…..Normal is really not a good term for it….because really, what is normal?
I’d love it if you’d check out my shop. There are some great products, in there.
And everyone seems to LOVE the lip balms….the peppermint seems to be the winner right now.
I’m hoping to be able to make a gluten-free Gingerbread house with the kids in the next few weeks. We’ve been talking about making small ones. I hope it works out. You can get the MOST AMAZING gingerbread recipe over at Gluten-Free Girl’s website. I made a batch which makes around 72 cookies and my kids have DEVOURED them. I have less than 2 dozen left….they are just that good.
Do you have a favorite Christmas Cookie?
I love Whipped Shortbread, and those Gingerbread Cookies up above.
And, the baby just woke up and so I’m done for now…..
Siah gave the babies those cute little hardwood teethers, and yes, to those who have asked. I would definitely be interested in selling some so talk to me if you’re interested.
When it came to the rest of the siblings and cousins, we didn’t figure that wooden teethers would be very much appreciated and so we needed to come up with a different idea.
I had seen these wooden clips before and I wondered if we could replicate them as well. They are basically a large wooden clothes peg…..sorta?!?
They are perfect for creating tents and forts. The wooden clips are big enough that they attach to most furniture and the strength of the clasp can be adjusted using the elastics. I imagine that they could be useful for other things as well. We’ve already thought about adding a set of 4 or 8 to our camping gear as we figure they’d be really handy to keep the tablecloth ON the table and possibly useful for holding up wet towels or even tarps.
He wanted to play, not do pictures
One of the nice things about them is that they are just made from regular lumber and can use up the offcuts that might be laying around; and even if the elastic breaks….you can just get another one and wind it around a bunch of times.
Jon made these up and once again, Siah helped to play with them and then wrap them up. We gave Siah a break this year……well, we gave ourselves a break, too. This year it was just easier to do it ourselves and to give his gifts to him to give, as opposed to recruiting his help….which wouldn’t have been very helpful at all. I’ll definitely be keeping my eye out for something that he can actually “do” mostly by himself for next year.
I find them laying around my house all over the place, and while I dislike them laying around my house….I love that it means that my kids are playing with them.
Enough already! I just want to play and finish whatever snack I have in my mouth!
Can you think of any other ideas that we could use these clips for?
In other non related news – Judah woke up early this morning with a fever. I believe that it’s just a virus, but I was particularly stressed because of the issues relating to his bowels. He had no other symptoms initially, but now he is quite stuffed up. His temperature is hovering in between 37.5 and 38 degrees Celsius and so it’s a low grade fever. He is nursing and eating and playing, but is definitely “off” and wants to be held and is quite clingy. I’ve been mostly awake since 3am this morning and hove done well up until now. Now…..the lack of sleep has caught up with me and I’m exhausted. He’s finally gone down in his own bed for a nap and has been sleeping for about 20 minutes. The longest he’s napped all day today.
I’m not sure what’s going on as Siah also has a runny nose, but no other symptoms. The stress of my family’s health wears on my heavy and so if you could pray that we’d be healthy and that I’d not stress so much, I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks.