Category: ME

I Value…..

Father’s Day came and went and I didn’t even say a word about it. I was too caught up in the drama and misery of my own life….and just to keep it real for ya’ll – the baby had a wicked case of the runs and it had me worried….virus or allergic reaction or both? I was so messed up over it all. It was not cool!

Anyway, I have some thoughts…. Who woulda thunk it, eh?

At my sister’s wedding on Saturday, my father got up and gave a toast or a blessing or basically he choked back a few words about my sister and her hubby and her daughters. It’s always fun to get my dad to talk about his kids in public because he gets all emotional and if you know my dad at all, you know that he holds himself pretty tightly together, but get him to start talking about how much he loves his kids and about how proud he is of them and….. he pretty much looses it!

While he’s losing it, he tries desperately hard to keep it all together and ends up doing that weird throat clearing thing to keep his cool. It’s adorable and we all love it and it makes everyone cry.

Anyway, I sat at the table in the reception and felt an unfamiliar pang of jealousy shoot right through me. As I processed, I realized it was because I wanted to hear my daddy say amazing, wonderful things about me. I wanted to hear how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. I wanted to hear him speak those life-giving words of affirmation over me.

I know that if I asked him to, he would. He loves me. He loves all of us kids fiercely and while he is not one to throw his words around lightly….I believe that his love for us is so deep and strong that if he fully “unleashed it”, that he is not prepared for the depth and strength of emotion that would overwhelm him and so he speaks of his love carefully…. but his love and heart shine through in so many of his actions. He would do anything for us……and he has.

He is an amazing man and yet sometimes, a misunderstood man. I love my father so much!

But this whole situation………. has really got me thinking.

I want to be one who speaks life giving words to others. I want to tell my kids and my husband and my family and my friends and even my acquaintances how much I love/like/appreciate them. I want to be extravagant with my praise. I don’t want to just throw the words around so carelessly that they hold no meaning, but I do not want to hold those affirming words captive within myself, either.

I want to be one who speaks of my love for my family and friends. I want to let others know how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am for who they are and what they mean to me. I want to tell my kids how proud I am of them and how much I value WHO they are even more so than what they DO. I don’t want people wondering what they mean to me or assuming that I think highly of them. I want them to know that I value them.

I want to be one who breathes life through my words and actions.

For Better, For Worse, For Ever

My sister got married this weekend…..for the second time.

I had so many mixed emotions this weekend and if you add a baby who was sick, and then seemed to be better and then was definitely sick again….by last night I was completely spent and this morning, I just wanted to crawl back in bed.

As it is, I sit here in my jammies with brutal hair and my oldest, frumpiest, comfy-est hoody on and I’m drinking green tea with brown rice (my comfort tea, second only to Earl Grey with lots of sugar and milk – but seeing as I don’t drink milk anymore, that kinda kills that drink, no?) It really doesn’t help that it’s raining outside and the grey blah-ness of it all makes me want to go and burrow deep into my bed and forget about everything for a moment.

I didn’t have any issues with my sister or with her ex-husband. I loved them both. I had accepted them both as family. Their differences were not my differences and so the split was a difficult one for me……

I handled it badly. I’ll just say that….. Just put it out there. At a time when I should have been supportive and loving – I was preachy and judgmental. And when it all came down to it…..my actions and reactions wedged a space in our relationship.

I was mad at her. This was the first time that I’d come face to face with a relationship break up that affected me (selfish, much?) and for all the pain that I was feeling over it all for her, for him, for their girls….I couldn’t get past the pain that I was feeling and my self-righteous, judgmental attitude. I can’t even fathom the pain that she must have been feeling to make the decision in the first place. I’m not saying that it was right or wrong or making any calls on it. I wasn’t there in between their 4 walls, witness to all that went on. When it all comes down to it, that’s not my place nor is it a responsibility that I want…one of making judgment calls of right or wrong for someone else. When I look back now, I just can’t even imagine what she was feeling and then to know that I just added to the pain…..it just about kills me, now.

I look back and wish that I could have done differently….that I could have acted differently. I wish then that I knew what I know now. It’s not my place to judge. My place is to love. Unconditionally loving….that’s how I want to be, to live, to act. I want to be able to love unconditionally.

I can do that. At the very least, I can try to do that.

So on Saturday, seeing her look so beautiful and seeing her so happy and seeing embracing a new start…..it was….I don’t know what to say it was. It was so many things. It was lovely. It was beautiful. It was the end and a beginning. It was happy and sad. It was so many mixed emotions (for me).

I am so happy for her. She is marrying a good guy. He loves her. He loves the girls. Those little girls have walked a journey that I don’t envy and yet here they are with a mother who loves them, and a father who loves them and a step-father who loves them and lots of family on all three sides who love them. It’s not an easy path they are walking and not one that they chose and yet……in it all – they are extravagantly loved…..which has to count for something, right?

It’s really not about me. Except that “this” is me. These “are” my feelings. I’m a bit mixed up about it all. I’ll be fine. We have love on our side and we’ll get through this as a family.

It’s just something new….and I often don’t do well with “new” stuff.

I just want to make sure that I show more love and support than I have in the past. I didn’t like that side of me that was so judgmental and hurtful and selfish. I want to be more loving and compassionate and thoughtful and to be thinking outside my self. I want to show my family (and friends and those I come in contact with) that I will love them in the good times and in the bad times; in the happy times and in the hurt times….for better, for worse, FOREVER!

Too Fast, Too Much, Too Little, Too Late

I can hardly believe that SIah is almost two years old.

I know that I just did an update post about him, but it’s really hitting hard that my baby is moving on from becoming a baby and that he’s becoming a little boy.

I have nursed him to sleep forever. Yes, I nurse him to sleep and you know what……I do it gladly…well, mostly gladly. And I’m not even really that much upset that it means that I’ve had absolutely NO LIFE for the past almost two years.

I chose to do this. I didn’t have to. I wanted to.

All the “things” that they tell you to do with your kids…I have tried it all. I nursed them. I bottle fed them. I formula fed them. I swaddled them to sleep. I put them to sleep on their backs and on their sides and on their tummy’s and I let them cry it out and I bounced them and rocked them and sang to them…pretty much if its out there….I’ve done it.

I wasn’t trying to create little schizophrenic little babies and so I didn’t do this to one kid all at the same time. It just seemed that for each kid the “experts” recommended something different. I guess that’s what happens when you have kids over a 10 – 12 year span.

But with Siah, I wanted to slow life down and to take the time to really enjoy him. I wanted to cherish every last minute that I could.

Before I just couldn’t slow my life down. I “fit” the babies into my life and now I regret it. I couldn’t wait for them to grow up. I was always pushing and encouraging them to reach the next milestone beacause it meant that I was one step closer to freedom. I was one step closer to getting “my life” back. I was so selfish and immature back then. I wish I could go back in time and have a chat with myself and tell myself that this time with them was so short, that once it was gone – I could never get it back; and that I would regret not just enjoying them where they were at.

Now I know how fast they grow up. I did not know to take advantage of the fact that one child is so easy and that you could “try” to nap or at least rest when they slept because if/when you had a second one…..ya, that possibility is not even anywhere close to being a reality. Now I know that the crazy first year of life is one to hold onto and enjoy…even the cruddy lack of sleep times and the crying times and the all the horrible times……it’s such a short amount of time and when they are 7 or 10 or older – you realize that the time has flown by and you wonder how it happened that you got from there to here.

I don’t believe that this means that you can’t whine about how tough it is….it is tough. MOTHERHOOD IS TOUGH….but try to enjoy every minute that you can, recognizing that it goes all too fast. Now I realize that all those things that I thought were so important – were not; and the times that I resented my tiny little one for getting in the way of “my life”…….well, I can never get back that time, but those opportunities that pop up….well typically a better one comes up later down the road and now I know that “this time” is the most important thing to me.

I chose to take extra time with Siah and now I’m finding that our time and our routines and our schedules are evolving to accommodate a little boy instead of a little baby. We still nurse but even that is changing. He used to fall asleep when he nursed and now, more often than not, he is still awake when he’s done. And Jon’s been putting him to sleep….which is another step of him growing up and moving on. He’s not needing me for everything. I’m getting to adjust to not being his “everything”. It’s another adjustment and yet like all the rest of “this growing up” and transitioning from one phase to another…..I am determined to enjoy it.

I want to be able to enjoy all of the different phases of all of my kid lives. Sometimes it is easier to enjoy the different phases than at other times, but one thing I’m learning is that “this time (the present)” is so fleeting and that once it passes I can never get it back.

I want to live my life so that I have no regrets or at least as little regrets as possible. This requires that I take time to figure out what’s really important to me and what things just aren’t as important. It also requires that I spend time talking to and gleaning information from those who are further down this road of life and who have been where I am at. I can learn from their experiences, from their mistakes and from their successes. Then I can make the best choices for me and for my family. Years from now I will look at my family and see the investment of my time and love and effort and I will never regret that.

Just trying to Breathe

OH TODAY………..

Well, if you follow me on Twitter, then you would have had first hand witness to the colossal train wreck that was me on my way into the Vancouver Blogher Meet Up. It was AMAZING….seriously! Even if you don’t follow me, just go ahead and click on that link and have a good laugh.

You might have to go back a page (click on “more”) and it starts with the “Headed into Vancouver….running a bit late” post.

My stress level started out fairly manageable, and honestly – I was doing so well (in my head – HA!) and then the closer we got the more I started freaking out and honestly….if I hadn’t put it out here that I was going to this and if I hadn’t had a bit of encouragement then I probably wouldn’t have gone.

AWESOME!!!! Isn’t it?

Alright, well! As you could see – all tweets stopped after I left the car. What you can’t see is that Jon dropped me off at the WRONG Cafe Artigiano. I seriously just about chewed my left arm off trying to convince myself to walk down the road and into the place and when I got in there….it was empty…..lemme back up a moment…..

See, I had asked Jon to find the address and he went online looking to look it up. He is typically very competent and so I figured that all was good. We drove to the original location and in my stress and panic I had totally forgot that the location had changed.

So, here I am in an almost empty Coffee Shop and am absolutely lost for what to do. I stand there for a moment trying to come up with something and then I leave. I walk down the road and remember that the location had changed and that Jon must not have seen that post……LOVELY! So, I’m frantically typing into my blackberry trying to figure out the other location or to pull up the Blogher Post where it’s mentioned……So I call Jon…..and he’s circling the block until he figures that I’m not going to freak…..

Awesome! If that doesn’t make me feel stupid, I don’t know what does.

So he picks me up and we head to the right place.

See haven’t even walked in the “correct” door and already I have a “story” about today. So all that original stress of having to walk into the place…..and I have to go and do it all again. GGGGGAAAAWWWWKKK!

So, I walk in……..see all these beautiful women……..and although I’m feeling TOTALLY out of my element….it’s all okay.

Well, that’s a load of crap. It was not “all okay.” It was good. It was great. It was also VERY stressful for me.

I’m at home and it’s 2+ hours since I left and only now am I starting to be able to breathe again.

I know how stupid this is. Believe me. Anxiety is not a fun thing. I HATE that this “thing” has had such a control on my life and I’m doing everything in my power to face my demons head on.

I am thrilled that I went. I know that given a day or 10, that I’ll look back on this and be all, “That was the best time EVER! I’m so glad that I went. It was NOTHING. I could TOTALLY do that again.”

And the thing is, now that I’ve done it. I totally could. Does it mean that I won’t spazz out the next time that I do something like this. Nope! Probably still will, BUT….I’m not letting this thing rule my life.

I was thrilled to practice my small talk (NOT) annd I’m so blessed to have met all these amazing women, and hopefully we’ll get to meet again and maybe I’ll say more than 2 words.

Honestly guys, I’m not so quiet when I’m not freaking out. I’m not the worlds hugest extrovert, but I’m not quite so quiet.

Regardless of what comes of today…..I know that I did something that was HUGE for me. And…..I did manage to meet some real life people, and…. I feel like I’m a bit more a part of this local blogging community.

And all of “that” makes me very, very happy.

I’m not all alone out there…

I started blogging (I had to go back and check my original post) on August 10th, 2005. I had lost Nathaniel in January of that year and had spent a significant portion of my time on the internet looking for answers or at the very least for someone else who “understood” what I was going through.

I found a miscarriage and pregnancy loss site in February 2005. And while at first, I was too scared to actually post on the site, just the fact that there were others like me who had lost babies whether it was a miscarriage or stillbirth or even those who were unable to get pregnant…..we had this common bond of wanting something that we couldn’t have. I felt like I wasn’t alone. I had been sitting in my house, in my misery and grief and feeling so alone. I had one person who could sort of relate and yet it wasn’t the same…..it was truly one of the loneliest times of my life.

I still check in almost daily with the women that I met back then…..It’s hard to believe that it’s been over 4 years – the time has flown by.

I have this “connection” with these women, and yet at the same time I recognize that over the internet, we only get to see a “side” of who each other is. We get to see what they share with us and the same goes for you…you get to see what I share with you. While I’m not trying to hold anything back or hide anything and if you read here long enough, I think that you will get a fairly good idea of who I am – it’s still like viewing something in 2 dimensions as opposed to seeing it jump out at you in real life.

I try to be as real and as honest as I can, but sometimes….I’m just too tired to share things that I’m feeling. Or I’m too hurt to adequately explain a whole situation or I only share what I’m feeling and then you don’t get the full, rounded picture. Maybe I only post the funny stuff and then you think that my life is amazing, or maybe I whine, whine, whine about being so freaking tired or go on and on about the drama of buying a house…..it’s only a piece of the whole.

I’ve seen so many references floating around the internet of meet ups and hook ups and different functions and because I have been a fairly shy person – I’ve looked at these and been equal parts jealous and freaked out.

I’d love to meet some of the women out there. I’d love to get to know the ones who share and put themselves out there; the ones who are so funny that you laugh until you cry or in my case after too many pregnancies and births, you just pee yourself. I’d love to have a physical connection with some of these women. Some of them have said things that have made me think or re-think my position on certain issues. Some of them have challenged me and some have comforted me when I was hurting so bad that I wasn’t sure I could take another step, let alone breathe.

I read that there was going to be a pre-Blogher meet up in Vancouver………

I was so excited and yet so scared.

Fear used to control my life. I did NOTHING because I was so scared of what other’s might think of me. Lots of counseling later and I’m only a little scared of what others might think of me. It’s progress…..imagine if you were a finished work of art…..what would be left to live for….life would be so boring. And so I thought about it…..I talked to Jon about it…..I thought about it some more….and I mentioned to those organizing it that I’d like to go.

You know….all confident and like, “OH Yah! Me…I’d be happy to go to this thing….I do this kinda stuff every day.”

Yah, NOT SO MUCH!

But I did. I responded that I’d like the info and then to my horror and excitement…I responded to the second call.

So, here I am….taking what is a HUGE step in my world.

I’m heading out tomorrow to the Vancouver Meet up and well…..I’m sure I’ll let you know how it went. Either I’m thrilled that I went and have great stories to tell of meeting great people OOOOOOOOR………I’m horrified that it went so bad and I’ve embarrassed myself so badly and well…..those are always GREAT stories to tell, so regardless, I should have some great stories to tell at the end of it all.

What I’m hoping for….is some personal connections to other people who are doing this “sharing their lives for the world to see” thing. Not everyone does this, and its interesting to see who does and why? I want to feel a little less alone in this great big huge blogging community…..who knows, maybe I’ll even manage to scrape my courage together and make it to Blogher one year….baby steps, people, baby steps.

Randomness

I sat in the baby’s room last night, listening to him scream and then stop and then scream and then stop and all the while singing and shushing him and desperately hoping that he would just hurry up and “go to sleep” already. Fun Times, I tell you. Fun Times! No, I can’t just leave him in there all alone to scream himself to sleep. One – there is that whole, “life is precious and even more so since I held my son in my arms and then left him at the hospital never to see him again” thing and two he can sort of climb/fall/drop out of his bed and I don’t want him hurting himself. It wasn’t that long and he was stopping and starting which means that he wasn’t really serious….just pissed!

*****

Jon stayed working late in Vancouver last night and so it was all 4 of the the monkey versus me in the evening struggle. Again with the even more funner times. I don’t think “funner” is a word, let alone the phrase “more funner”, but I’m not changing it.

*****

TMI warning…….you’ve been warned…..read at your own comfort level….

Remember last month when I talked about this amazing tea and how it had totally helped me out with regards to extremely heavy flow. At that point it hadn’t done anything about the length of the cycle (42 days I think it was last month which I attributed to nursing, but I’m still nursing right now so…….?) Well, I’m so pleased to be able to say that this month I am ROCKIN’ a whole 29days. Yup! I almost didn’t believe it, but it’s kind of hard to ignore the signs. I was pretty certain I had at least another week or two, and when I counted out the days….WOOO HOO! 29 , BABY! And so far, we’re rocking the lighter flow and so this is truly what I’d call, “A Happy Period!” Thank you, Always! And just so you know….I’ve always (pun intended) hated that slogan.

But I am totally happy with my tea and the way that my body is regulating and cycling “normally”. I wasn’t even as “witchy” as I can sometimes be around this time of the month……that’s good too, eh? AND…..it probably explains a little of my “down” mood over the past week….right? Now that I think about it, it would also explain the wicked tummy ache that I had on Sunday….hmmmm?!?!?

*****

We had the Home Inspector over to the town home yesterday morning and apparently we are buying the best deal on the face of the planet or at least in BC. Two elderly people who have not really lived in the house for the past 14 years, since it was built, are giving us an immaculately cared for place. Little things like the BRAND NEW, installed 2 months ago dishwasher…has never been used because how many dirty dishes can two old people make and really, its faster to just hand wash them. And they are leaving behind their little in perfect working order freezer so we can ditch our energy sucking monster that we can never seem to fill up any how. And the 14 year old water heater, looks like new and only it’s serial number shows it’s true age……honestly…the water heater is the only thing (aside from the roof which we know about) that we might need to replace in the somewhat distant future. The home inspector figured that the water heater might spazz out when actually expected to…you know……work! With 6 people, and at least one load of laundry per day and at least one load of dishes in the BRAND NEW dishwasher…..it’s going to be something that gets a work out….

But…..we are getting a wicked, WICKED deal. And the tools….OH MY GOODNESS….I should let Jon tell you about the tools….some that have never been used and they are leaving them for Jon…He feels like he’s gone to testosterone heaven.

I do believe that we are being given a HUGE blessing in the this town home; and while I’m still struggling with SHARING my property and not just having a stand alone HOUSE….I can see how this is SUCH A BLESSING FOR US in SO MANY ways.

*****

I’ve not packed one more box since the weekend and a huge part of me is FREAKING OUT ABOUT THAT. Another part says….hey, it’ll all get done, right?

*****

I’ve gone to work today and left a brutally messy house behind me. I hate to say this, but honestly….I don’t even want to come home because it’s going to be even messier….unless Jon has done something about it and there is nothing that I care to do about it until tomorrow when I have my next “home” day. And so…it sits….unhappy and messy….and causing stress.

*****

I can’t wait for school to be over because seriously….if we had to go through another month coughing up as much dough as we have this past month for various field trips…..we’d be bankrupt….seriously. Why do they save it up until the last month? Why not spread it out over the year? We are fortunate enough to be able to afford these field trips (times 3 kids), but I GUARANTEE you that there are more than just a few parents who can’t and who are feeling incredibly guilty that they can’t nd so are going into debt so as not to be embarrassed over it. It’s not cool.

*****

I think that’s all I got for ya right now….but I’ll leave you with two questions?

Are you a sock person or a no sock person? (I’m a “no sock” person, year round)

What is your favorite “summer” colour? (my favourite “summer” color is red…think strawberries, watermelon, cherries)

Waiting…..more waiting.

We had just sat down to watch a movie tonight and the baby started crying. He was saying owie and then asking for me and then more crying and well, I’m not sure why he woke up , but he doesn’t want Jon, but he does want to nurse and well….we don’t do that in the night. You know, unless he was really honestly sick or something and needed the extra comfort.

I recognize that I’m well into the “extended nursing phase” and quite frankly I’ve been surprised at the LACK of nasty comments that I’ve gotten. Not that i want any nasty comments, but Siah is definately far beyond what is considered normal to still be nursing. There are lots of people that I’ve read about and fewer that I’ve actually known who nursed beyond 2 years old and so when I sit down and nurse Siah in a public place….I’m not nasty about it, but he might nurse around noon when he would take a nap and if I’m out, then I nurse him…..I’m pretty sure people are thinking it and I get the “surprised” looks, but so far no ones said anything.

I won’t be nursing him when he’s 5 so don’t get all excited, but we’re enjoying this time together. Maybe he enjoys it more than I do, but we’re not ready to quit quite yet……I’m sure you’ll all hear about it when it happens….’cause I’m kinda open like that.

Okay, so all of that had NOTHING to do with what I was going to talk about tonight which was that we are waiting to hear some news.

It could be good news, it could be bad news or it could be so so news. I think that about covers any response that we could get back from the people that we made an offer to for their house.

We should hear something sometime tomorrow.

I’m hoping that we do get the home, but I know that if it’s not meant to be then it won’t happen and while I would LOVE to live in this house – I can be confident knowing that God has it all under control and that He is leading and guiding us.

If this one doesn’t work out – while I think that this could be a good fit for our family, there is obviously a better home for us.

To tell you a little bit about our offer and about the home….

We have offered a little over $20,00 less than the asking price. This is kind of a HUGE deal for me as we could do the asking price, but our Realtor did some homework and found another house in the same neighborhood with a smaller house, but a slightly bigger property that sold 3 months ago and we are offering roughly what that house sold for. This house has been on the market for a while and we are hoping that they want to sell it.

It has 3 bedrooms with one extra kind of weird room that could be used as a den or office or a bedroom. We will need to put the girls together and the boys together in bedrooms and so from that aspect it’s different from here where each kid has their own room, but when we walked into the place it felt like home more than any other place that we saw.

It has a kitchen that opens into an eating area which is seperated by a hallway from the dining room which opens in to the front living room from which the front doors opens and then hooks around again into the kitchen……off of the eating area and down 4 steps is a family room….

It all feels very open and cozy – if that’s even possible…I know that they typically contradict each other. There is a wood burning stove that would be awesome in the winter and the yard is fenced which is AWESOME especially for Siah.

We can SEE ourselves in this place for the next few years until the kids grow up and need more space.

We are praying that God would lead and direct us and we are willing to walk away, but we would LOVE to live in this place…if we had a say in it all.

And so….we wait…..hoping……

Yah…….Hmmmmm?!?!?

I am SO grateful to those who asked me how the house hunt went.

Honestly, I am feeling so disappointed and discouraged with a few things in my life and feeling down and well….overwhelmed and….. to have some of you ask about me and my life – it makes me feel like someone cares and with the way I’m feeling….that’s a really nice thing. It’s a really REALLY nice thing. I don’t think I am really adequately expressing how good it made me feel to feel like someone out there cares……. I know that’s stupid thinking (the part where I feel like someone cares because of comments) ….but it’s where I’m at…

Okay! Here it goes….

The house hunt…we’ve been approved for a mortgage. In Vancouver, we’ve been approved for a very VERY modest mortgage. Like, we are looking for a town home…probably a 3 bedroom town home and most of the town homes that are available in our price range are….well…they are iffy! If we could find one with a rec. room in the basement, we could possibly make that into a room for the girls to share, but MANY if not most, of the town homes have NO YARD AT ALL.

If you’ve heard me talk about my kids at all especially Jeremy, then you KNOW that the kids need some where to be able to burn off some energy. We are not a TV or electronic entertainment family – in fact we’ve once again cut our cable. We unhooked the TV about 2 weeks ago and then today canceled the service because why are we paying for something that we are not using. It is initially difficult to wean the kids, but then, as if by magic, they become happy cheerful playing children instead of television zombies ready to snap the heads off each other in the event that one should stand between them and their beloved TV.

All of that to say that we need some sort of a yard….or at the very least SOME PLACE for the kids to play and to keep Siah safe while getting some fresh air.

For the very same cost in Walnut Grove….which is a part of Langely – which is 6 cities or about 35 minutes from Vancouver…..you can get a HOUSE with a YARD….that needs no fix up except to re-paint.

In Walnut Grove, we would be close to family….lots of family….it’s a HUGE family community…I have dreamed about living there for years…..

So which do we choose? Closer to work….like a LOT closer to work but with no yard and seriously compromising space for the family.

Or Further from work, (it’s about half way from where we are now and we have been commuting for an hour each way since January) but with a house, yard, community, family, and enough living space… We could possibly bus to work in just over an hour if we needed to.

So, I am conflicted……I want a house. I want to be able to plant a veggie garden. I want the kids to be able to play outside. I want a place where the kids will WANT to bring their friends home to “hang out”. I want the kids to not feel like we have compromised them and their needs for our “work”. I want them to be comfortable and happy. I want us to be comfortable and happy. I really want a house. I don’t really want a town house.

And, then we are getting comments about how we “need” to be closer, and about how it’s better to live closer and that we will need to compromise. I do recognize that there are compromises but I want to compromise where my kids don’t lose out. We could live a little bit closer (but not in Vancouver) but there would be NO family around in the event that we would need to ask them to help them out.

We are not expecting our family to raise our kids as we go and do our “job” but sometimes we do need family and there is a better chance of having them available if we are closer and slim to none chance that they’d be available if we lived further away (from them).

So that is the whole house thing……FUN, EH?

I’m also struggling with feeling like what I’m doing (at work) is pointless. I’m way to early in this game to be feeling this way, but in someways it feels like I’m trying to run against the current and after 5 months of running against the current while at the same time trying to not rock any boats that are floating past me – I’m tired and frustrated!

I LOVE to be able to organize and work with structure and to create and make things easier. I get frustrated when it feels like there are things outside of my influence that I am relying on to get done so that everything else can also get done and those original things don’t get done and then that effects me and my “effectiveness”. That probably made no sense but think of domino’s….if the original ones are not knocked over then the rest don’t get knocked over either….you need to start at the beginning and you are counting on the beginning ones to start and complete the task. When they don’t get done….then it effects everything. Does that make sense? If not, then oh well….

I also feel like we are living in limbo land. We want to be able to sign the girls up for Late French Immersion School, but if we don’t know where we are going before school is out, then we can’t do that….there there is no guarantee that we will even be able to get them into the program…. At this rate, if we don’t make a decision, then the kids could still be in the school where we currently are, and if that’s the case, then I feel like I might be a little bit crazy in September after trying to do the whole kids out of school and work and commute forever and ever and just the thought of it all it messing with my head.

I feel like I really need to get settled. I want to get settled. This is year number two of unsettled-ness and I’ve about had it. I need the stability in my life. I do SO MUCH BETTER when things are stable.

At this point, I feel like I’m going to start whining about my life and so now I will stop. Or else you will hear a lot of whining and moaning and no one really wants to hear that.

So that is where we are at…..I’d love to say that everything was awesome and amazing but honestly that’s not how I’m feeling right now.

I’m feeling pretty discouraged. I know that it’s just a “feeling” and that I’ll feel differently soon, but right now….this is where I’m at. Warts and all…..life is fun(ny). There are ups and down and if you ride the waves as opposed to fighting them – you don’t get quite as tired out as if you try to fight through it.

And so I ride through this bit of a down turn in my life…..

Ripped Off

There are aspects of myself that I absolutely LOVE and then there are some things that I can’t stand.

The fact that I have dark hair and light skin – I’m okay with that. The fact that I have hair on my upper lip – not so cool with that – and because of the previous mentioned dark hair and light skin it means that it’s obvious that I have a mustache.

I don’t shave or bleach, but I do wax the suckers right off of there. Yes, it’s hurts like a bugger, but that’s the price I pay for looking a little less manly. As much as I’m into natural stuff, I’m not so into going “au naturale” that I’m okay with my mustache. Once He – lets call him Harry – gets to the point where when I look in the mirror all I can see is this black hairy caterpillar on top of my lip….then pretty much everything else takes second priority.

For example, this morning……Siah’s early morning wake up call for a little mommy and me time was at 4:25am. But, we’re talking about a kid who previously (as in 2 months ago) was still waking up 2-3 times a night so I’m happy with the straight through ’till early morning routine. When He fell back asleep – I WAS AWAKE. I could have gone and run a marathon. Well, not technically, but who’s getting technical at 4:30 in the morning – SERIOUSLY!

So, I did think about getting up, but quickly dismissed, hugged my pillow and went back to sleep. I needed to tak e a shower this morning….it had gotten beyond the I can fake this with a rag and some soap and LOTS of hairspray. I actually HAD to take a shower….and I woke up after 7am……it was 7:05am to be precise.

I took off like a banshee ripped through the shower and then began the ardous task of doing my hair. I like my hair to look good and I typically hate it the first day that I wash it. It needs to be a little bit dirty to REALLY WORK! So, I moussed it. I blow dried it. I added a little hairspray and then curled it with my fabulous bendy curlers….and while doing my hair….Harry just kept taunting me. Every time I’d try to look in the mirror to see what I was doing with the curlers, Harry would wave at me and kept getting it the way. It was really hard to concentrate with all his distraction techniques.

I finally had enough. I rolled up the last two curlers by feel and opened up the medicine cabinet to try to find the “Harry Removal Kit”. Jon asked me what I was doing and then tried really hard to oh-so-casually mention that, “Wouldn’t a tiny bit of hair look better than a giant red welt on top of my lip?”

Nope! Really it wouldn’t, and this stuff that I had was really good and there shouldn’t be too much of a red welt, and even if there was – I could handle that better than Harry gettin’ all excited and waving around making a big scene.

And so I did it.

We said goodbye to Harry today. He will be gone for about 6 weeks – maybe even 3 months if I’m lucky. He always manages to find his way back, but for now……things are good.

And this kit…..honestly….THE BEST. I went out and asked Jon if he could see and ANGRY RED WELT! and his response was that it was difficult to see with all the make up I had covered it up with. What he didn’t know was that “you never wax and then clogg up all the pores with make up – that’s just begging for a zitty mess.” I had no make up on….I’m trying to figure out if I needed to be angry with him for saying that I had a crapload of make up caked on my face BUT…..I’m just so happy to be Harry-less that pretty much nothing can spoil my good mood.

Well, the only thing that puts a teeny-tiny damper on my excitement is that we are going House hunting today and well…frankly….it’s FREAKIN’ ME OUT!

How do we know if it’s the right one? What if we make a bad choice? What if we have creepy neighbors? What if the house is a…….. lemon – I know that’s what you call a bad car…what do you call a bad house? I am not one to look forever and ever and ever and ever and EVER! I can make anything work, but this is a HIUGE decision…….AWWWWWKKKKKK!

So, I’m just going to go and look and pretend that we are house shopping for someone else. Yah! That’s what i’m gonna do. I’ll just pretend. How’s that for some awesome coping skillz? I ROCK!

I’ll come back and report on how cruddy the houses were later or not….oh…and I’ve been stress eating this week and there is NO WAY that I’ve lost weight this week and pretty much the only way that I could lose weight is if I lost a limb…and frankly I’m not wiling to sacrifice one of those at this point and so I’m trying to ride out this week making smart choices and aiming for next Saturday. I’ll still post the damage so ya all can see what stress does to me. It’s AWESOME! in a totally not awesome way.

Alright! I’m gone, but I’ll probably tweet during the day – ya know…if you’re interested in seeing what we’re up to and what amazing pieces of work fit within the confines of our mortgage.

Heavy Loss and Loss of Heavy

I should have updated on Saturday, but somehow it’s Monday now……..

How did that happen?

I lost a bunch of weight this past week. I think that the biggest culprit of the weight gain was not in fact the wedding food, but it was “that time of the month”.

I was down 3.8 pounds. And now, I am currently 188.2 pounds….or at least I was on Saturday.

So, the whole weight loss thing seems that it’s going “okay” for me. My sister is getting married in a month and while I’d love to be down to 180lbs….I’ll just be happy if I’m under 185lbs. Baby steps, people…..it’s called setting realistic goals so that if things don’t work out the way I “hope” then I’m not too, terribly disappointed.

One thing that was AMAZING….if you’re a guy or just don’t like to talk about “female” things, then you should just stop right here and be on your merry way……I’ve warned you!

When I originally started seeing the naturopath about all the losses I’d had, she put me on a whole bunch of stuff, but one of the things was a tea.

I LOVED the flavour of the tea and what she told me was that it was a tea that helped with “female health” and reproductive organs and energy and that well, it was just pretty darn good stuff.

I took it for two months and then got pregnant and stopped drinking it. During that time I went from a long 35 day cycle to a 29 day cycle and went from bleeding like I was a stuck pig for an entire week to what I would assume (from what I’ve read) is a normal or normal-ish length and flow for all that fun time of the month stuff…..you know average flow for 4-6 days.

I figured that the naturopath had worked her magic and that was the reason for my “normalcy” finally after my entire life of being….well……grossly not normal…

I found a recipe for some tea online and wondered if this was the tea that had been given to me back then. It sounded similar. I picked up the different ingredients and mixed the magic potion up and made myself a pot of loose leaf tea. As it was sitting and brewing, I smelled it and it smelled exactly like I remembered. After it had sat for a while……I had a cup and YUUUUUUMMMMMMMY!

It was the exact tea.

I was thrilled. I could make it anytime I liked and for WAY cheaper than I had bought it through the naturopath.

I had wondered if it would help at all with how I’d been feeling which was tired and a bit worn out and also if it would help with the “overwhelming time of the month” situation.

I did feel a bit less tired and like I had more energy, but there was absolutely NO difference in the length of my cycle. In fact, nursing is still messing that whole thing up and I was actually 43 days in between cycles. But, OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! the difference it made in the amount of it all.

I actually felt “normal” again….not “my normal”, but what you read in books and on the internet and hear from the dr that should be normal. I was normal. It wasn’t overwhelming…It was, quite frankly, amazing.

I know that amazing is not something that you typically read about the whole time of the month thing, but honestly….this month was amazing. And all I did differently was to drink some delicious tasting tea. I’m so excited.

If you click on the links below, you can read about the benefits that you can get from the ingredients. This stuff is pretty darn good for you.

Mama’s Brew Tea (but you don’t have to be a mama to drink this stuff)

8 parts Red Raspberry Leaves
3 parts Peppermint Leaves
3 parts Alfalfa herb
2 parts Nettle Leaf

I use tablespoons to measure it out into a glass container, and then mix it all around. I store it inside a dark cupboard in the kitchen.

I use 1 tsp of the mixed tea to 1 cup of water.

I actually make 2 litres (8 cups) at a time. I’ll have a cup and store the rest of it in my fridge. I just pour out a cup into a pot to heat it up. (I don’t have a microwave) Supposedly the microwaves actually breaks down some of the nutritional value.

I’ve made it two ways….

1) In a pot on the stove. I’ve put in 2L of water into a pot and then 3 TBLSP of the tea let it come to a boil and then let it steep for 10 minutes.

2) I boil 2L of water in my kettle and then put 3 TBLSP of the tea into a pitcher and when the water has boiled, then I pour the water into the pitcher, stir the tea around and let it steep for 10 minutes.

After it has steeped for 10 minutes, then you can strain the leaves out (I use a mini-strainer) and then it’s good to enjoy.

Some people like to add honey to it, but I just like it plain. It’s delicious as both a hot and cold tea.

You should be able to get the ingredients at your local heath food store. None of them are difficult to obtain.

If you decide to try it out….let me know what you think and if it helps you at all.