Yah…….Hmmmmm?!?!?

I am SO grateful to those who asked me how the house hunt went.

Honestly, I am feeling so disappointed and discouraged with a few things in my life and feeling down and well….overwhelmed and….. to have some of you ask about me and my life – it makes me feel like someone cares and with the way I’m feeling….that’s a really nice thing. It’s a really REALLY nice thing. I don’t think I am really adequately expressing how good it made me feel to feel like someone out there cares……. I know that’s stupid thinking (the part where I feel like someone cares because of comments) ….but it’s where I’m at…

Okay! Here it goes….

The house hunt…we’ve been approved for a mortgage. In Vancouver, we’ve been approved for a very VERY modest mortgage. Like, we are looking for a town home…probably a 3 bedroom town home and most of the town homes that are available in our price range are….well…they are iffy! If we could find one with a rec. room in the basement, we could possibly make that into a room for the girls to share, but MANY if not most, of the town homes have NO YARD AT ALL.

If you’ve heard me talk about my kids at all especially Jeremy, then you KNOW that the kids need some where to be able to burn off some energy. We are not a TV or electronic entertainment family – in fact we’ve once again cut our cable. We unhooked the TV about 2 weeks ago and then today canceled the service because why are we paying for something that we are not using. It is initially difficult to wean the kids, but then, as if by magic, they become happy cheerful playing children instead of television zombies ready to snap the heads off each other in the event that one should stand between them and their beloved TV.

All of that to say that we need some sort of a yard….or at the very least SOME PLACE for the kids to play and to keep Siah safe while getting some fresh air.

For the very same cost in Walnut Grove….which is a part of Langely – which is 6 cities or about 35 minutes from Vancouver…..you can get a HOUSE with a YARD….that needs no fix up except to re-paint.

In Walnut Grove, we would be close to family….lots of family….it’s a HUGE family community…I have dreamed about living there for years…..

So which do we choose? Closer to work….like a LOT closer to work but with no yard and seriously compromising space for the family.

Or Further from work, (it’s about half way from where we are now and we have been commuting for an hour each way since January) but with a house, yard, community, family, and enough living space… We could possibly bus to work in just over an hour if we needed to.

So, I am conflicted……I want a house. I want to be able to plant a veggie garden. I want the kids to be able to play outside. I want a place where the kids will WANT to bring their friends home to “hang out”. I want the kids to not feel like we have compromised them and their needs for our “work”. I want them to be comfortable and happy. I want us to be comfortable and happy. I really want a house. I don’t really want a town house.

And, then we are getting comments about how we “need” to be closer, and about how it’s better to live closer and that we will need to compromise. I do recognize that there are compromises but I want to compromise where my kids don’t lose out. We could live a little bit closer (but not in Vancouver) but there would be NO family around in the event that we would need to ask them to help them out.

We are not expecting our family to raise our kids as we go and do our “job” but sometimes we do need family and there is a better chance of having them available if we are closer and slim to none chance that they’d be available if we lived further away (from them).

So that is the whole house thing……FUN, EH?

I’m also struggling with feeling like what I’m doing (at work) is pointless. I’m way to early in this game to be feeling this way, but in someways it feels like I’m trying to run against the current and after 5 months of running against the current while at the same time trying to not rock any boats that are floating past me – I’m tired and frustrated!

I LOVE to be able to organize and work with structure and to create and make things easier. I get frustrated when it feels like there are things outside of my influence that I am relying on to get done so that everything else can also get done and those original things don’t get done and then that effects me and my “effectiveness”. That probably made no sense but think of domino’s….if the original ones are not knocked over then the rest don’t get knocked over either….you need to start at the beginning and you are counting on the beginning ones to start and complete the task. When they don’t get done….then it effects everything. Does that make sense? If not, then oh well….

I also feel like we are living in limbo land. We want to be able to sign the girls up for Late French Immersion School, but if we don’t know where we are going before school is out, then we can’t do that….there there is no guarantee that we will even be able to get them into the program…. At this rate, if we don’t make a decision, then the kids could still be in the school where we currently are, and if that’s the case, then I feel like I might be a little bit crazy in September after trying to do the whole kids out of school and work and commute forever and ever and just the thought of it all it messing with my head.

I feel like I really need to get settled. I want to get settled. This is year number two of unsettled-ness and I’ve about had it. I need the stability in my life. I do SO MUCH BETTER when things are stable.

At this point, I feel like I’m going to start whining about my life and so now I will stop. Or else you will hear a lot of whining and moaning and no one really wants to hear that.

So that is where we are at…..I’d love to say that everything was awesome and amazing but honestly that’s not how I’m feeling right now.

I’m feeling pretty discouraged. I know that it’s just a “feeling” and that I’ll feel differently soon, but right now….this is where I’m at. Warts and all…..life is fun(ny). There are ups and down and if you ride the waves as opposed to fighting them – you don’t get quite as tired out as if you try to fight through it.

And so I ride through this bit of a down turn in my life…..