Investment or Insanity

Sometimes I feel like a broken record.

I’m exhausted. SO exhausted! ALWAYS EXHAUSTED!

it sucks.

Right now, we are focusing a lot of our energy on our business and I understand that I’m working hard towards a goal; but I’m a firm believer in working smarter and not harder and yet I feel like I’m just working as hard as I can to just not drown.

What I struggle with is working so hard, for so long, that I end up feeling like I can barely function. This is kind of where I’m at right now.

When I boil it all down, I think I’m talking about trying to find balance. At this exact moment, I’m definitely way beyond actually “living in balance”; but where do you draw the line between investment and insanity.

It’s stupid to think that I can “invest” at this level for the next few years.

So where do I go from here?

That is one of the big questions in my mind, these days; and I don’t know that I have a quick or easy answer for myself.

A New Day

Jon started his new job today. He left the house at 7:30 this morning because he has no idea how long it’s going to take him to get there in rush hour traffic and he has to be there at 9am.

This is a HUGE change for us and while a part of me thinks that I’m a lot more ready for something like this to happen in our family (as opposed to a year or even 6 months ago), there another part of me that has no idea how this is going to work.

Obviously we will do what we have to do in order to make it through, but this is the first time in a very long time (approximately 8 years) that Jon will be rocking the “daily grind”,3 outside of the house, on a Monday to Friday, 9-5 kinda deal with an hour of commuting on either side of the day.

This past year has really taken a toll of me and while I used to believe that I could do anything and everything….I now feel like I have no choice in the matter and somehow I just have to survive. I often hope that in the very act of “surviving” that I will be able to heal enough to the point where I feel strong again. At the same time, I wonder if that’s even a possibility. You know how if you break your leg and get it set properly, put a cast on it, rest and let it heal; it will heal better and faster (and almost as good as before) than if you just carry on limping and walking on your broken leg, doing what you’ve got to do. Sure it might heal eventually, but it may heal crookedly or you may not get full strength and/or mobility out of it, but the intensity of the pain might not be as severe as it was as first….

I kinda feel like that second scenario is playing out in my life. I feel a bit broken and tired and like there is no option to re-set, rest and heal and I’m just hoping and praying it will all be okay eventually. I DO feel stronger than before, but I’m so acutely aware of my fragility, compared to the strength that I feel I used to have and that’s……well, that’s tough!

I’m sure that the kids and I will fall into a routine of sorts, and I know that families do this all the time, but right now it feels a bit daunting.

culley (3 of 211)

I’m so THANKFUL that Jon was able to get work. In faith, I’m confident that it will work out and that we will be okay. According to feelings, I’m not so sure.

Another Blow

I’ve had a few days to process and …..we were not prepared for this.

As of October 31st, Jon has been laid off.

The church has not been doing well financially for a while and at this point cannot afford two pastors and so, we are now out of a job.

I felt okay for the first part of this week, and I think that was shock. As the week as progressed, it has slowly begun to sink in…..we have no job! No employment! No Income!

This past year has not been kind to us and we are not in a position financially to absorb any time without a paycheck!

I believe with all my heart that we will make it through this. By that I mean that we will all have each other and that we will love and that we will live and yet……..I have no idea what this means for us practically and realistically.

Will be have to sell our house? Without a job we can’t buy another one, but without a job, we can’t pay for this one either. I know that it sounds rather dramatic, but I’m feeling rather traumatized right now.

I feel like I’m floundering and I don’t know where to go or what to do…..I’m trying to figure out what we can sell and what we can live without and how I can make some money. Even if Jon were to start his business up again, there is no way that he can just instantly make enough to support us…..

I just want to run away.

I know that there is never good timing for this, but this….this is just really, really difficult. Especially after coming on top of this past year.

I’m so tired. I want to sleep and yet, when I lay down….I can’t. Too much to think about and yet I feel so helpless…so hopeless. It’s been a hard day….a tough week…..

Wrapping Things Up

I’m frantically organizing and planning all the last minute admin stuff that I can think through to help things flow smoothly through to the end of the year and yet…………I’m certain that I’m missing stuff and that is seriously stressing me out!

Trying to come up with the planning/organization lists this far in advance is WAY different than actually working through the different projects in the months leading up to the actual events.

And so I went into the office today to try to wrap some things up BECAUSE……….as of close of the day on Friday, I am officially on Maternity Leave.


I’m SO excited!

And yet, I do love my job and am a little sad about not having the challenge of fitting all the pieces and people together to come up with the most effective way to streamline everything without problems or issues. I love organizing and planning and scheduling…….

But…as of Friday – things, they are a’changing in my world. This is just one step closer to my newest baby arriving and I’m getting more and more excited.

In other news, I did manage to finish Siah’s pants and here is the best photo that I could get. He was ALL OVER THE PLACE! But, he loves them and they are so cute on him.

Somebody put a shirt on that kid!

Rainbow Pants in Action

We haven’t tried their wool “diaper cover” super powers for overnights as I’m still too chicken….which is so stupid…I should just give it a go, shouldn’t I?

I’m just so tired these days and the thought of a soaking wet boy attempting to crawl into my bed in the middle of the night sucks and having to get up to strip and change a wet bed is even worse….mind you the past few days we’ve had a 4am wake up call and it wasn’t because of our kids…..

There is some stupid, loud, noisy crazy bird that is singing as if his life depended on it RIGHT! OUTSIDE! OUR BEDROOM! WINDOW!

AND……even once we close the window…..we can still hear him. Stupid Bird! So that just adds to the tiredness! GAH!

Oh well, hopefully the bird moves on and we’re not stuck waking up at 4am for the entire rest of the summer. Can you imagine how brutal that would be?

I have my 36 week appt with my midwife tomorrow AND I’ve booked a Chiro appt for tomorrow so it should be a busy day. But I should be feeling fabulous by the end of the day, though and that’s a definite bonus.

Well, that’s enough blathering for one day. I have to figure out what’s for dinner and get ready for my exercise class and I have one hour to d it all in.

All I want to do, is to crawl into bed!


I sat in the baby’s room last night, listening to him scream and then stop and then scream and then stop and all the while singing and shushing him and desperately hoping that he would just hurry up and “go to sleep” already. Fun Times, I tell you. Fun Times! No, I can’t just leave him in there all alone to scream himself to sleep. One – there is that whole, “life is precious and even more so since I held my son in my arms and then left him at the hospital never to see him again” thing and two he can sort of climb/fall/drop out of his bed and I don’t want him hurting himself. It wasn’t that long and he was stopping and starting which means that he wasn’t really serious….just pissed!


Jon stayed working late in Vancouver last night and so it was all 4 of the the monkey versus me in the evening struggle. Again with the even more funner times. I don’t think “funner” is a word, let alone the phrase “more funner”, but I’m not changing it.


TMI warning…….you’ve been warned… at your own comfort level….

Remember last month when I talked about this amazing tea and how it had totally helped me out with regards to extremely heavy flow. At that point it hadn’t done anything about the length of the cycle (42 days I think it was last month which I attributed to nursing, but I’m still nursing right now so…….?) Well, I’m so pleased to be able to say that this month I am ROCKIN’ a whole 29days. Yup! I almost didn’t believe it, but it’s kind of hard to ignore the signs. I was pretty certain I had at least another week or two, and when I counted out the days….WOOO HOO! 29 , BABY! And so far, we’re rocking the lighter flow and so this is truly what I’d call, “A Happy Period!” Thank you, Always! And just so you know….I’ve always (pun intended) hated that slogan.

But I am totally happy with my tea and the way that my body is regulating and cycling “normally”. I wasn’t even as “witchy” as I can sometimes be around this time of the month……that’s good too, eh? AND… probably explains a little of my “down” mood over the past week….right? Now that I think about it, it would also explain the wicked tummy ache that I had on Sunday….hmmmm?!?!?


We had the Home Inspector over to the town home yesterday morning and apparently we are buying the best deal on the face of the planet or at least in BC. Two elderly people who have not really lived in the house for the past 14 years, since it was built, are giving us an immaculately cared for place. Little things like the BRAND NEW, installed 2 months ago dishwasher…has never been used because how many dirty dishes can two old people make and really, its faster to just hand wash them. And they are leaving behind their little in perfect working order freezer so we can ditch our energy sucking monster that we can never seem to fill up any how. And the 14 year old water heater, looks like new and only it’s serial number shows it’s true age……honestly…the water heater is the only thing (aside from the roof which we know about) that we might need to replace in the somewhat distant future. The home inspector figured that the water heater might spazz out when actually expected to…you know……work! With 6 people, and at least one load of laundry per day and at least one load of dishes in the BRAND NEW dishwasher…’s going to be something that gets a work out….

But…..we are getting a wicked, WICKED deal. And the tools….OH MY GOODNESS….I should let Jon tell you about the tools….some that have never been used and they are leaving them for Jon…He feels like he’s gone to testosterone heaven.

I do believe that we are being given a HUGE blessing in the this town home; and while I’m still struggling with SHARING my property and not just having a stand alone HOUSE….I can see how this is SUCH A BLESSING FOR US in SO MANY ways.


I’ve not packed one more box since the weekend and a huge part of me is FREAKING OUT ABOUT THAT. Another part says….hey, it’ll all get done, right?


I’ve gone to work today and left a brutally messy house behind me. I hate to say this, but honestly….I don’t even want to come home because it’s going to be even messier….unless Jon has done something about it and there is nothing that I care to do about it until tomorrow when I have my next “home” day. And so…it sits….unhappy and messy….and causing stress.


I can’t wait for school to be over because seriously….if we had to go through another month coughing up as much dough as we have this past month for various field trips…..we’d be bankrupt….seriously. Why do they save it up until the last month? Why not spread it out over the year? We are fortunate enough to be able to afford these field trips (times 3 kids), but I GUARANTEE you that there are more than just a few parents who can’t and who are feeling incredibly guilty that they can’t nd so are going into debt so as not to be embarrassed over it. It’s not cool.


I think that’s all I got for ya right now….but I’ll leave you with two questions?

Are you a sock person or a no sock person? (I’m a “no sock” person, year round)

What is your favorite “summer” colour? (my favourite “summer” color is red…think strawberries, watermelon, cherries)


I am SO grateful to those who asked me how the house hunt went.

Honestly, I am feeling so disappointed and discouraged with a few things in my life and feeling down and well….overwhelmed and….. to have some of you ask about me and my life – it makes me feel like someone cares and with the way I’m feeling….that’s a really nice thing. It’s a really REALLY nice thing. I don’t think I am really adequately expressing how good it made me feel to feel like someone out there cares……. I know that’s stupid thinking (the part where I feel like someone cares because of comments) ….but it’s where I’m at…

Okay! Here it goes….

The house hunt…we’ve been approved for a mortgage. In Vancouver, we’ve been approved for a very VERY modest mortgage. Like, we are looking for a town home…probably a 3 bedroom town home and most of the town homes that are available in our price range are….well…they are iffy! If we could find one with a rec. room in the basement, we could possibly make that into a room for the girls to share, but MANY if not most, of the town homes have NO YARD AT ALL.

If you’ve heard me talk about my kids at all especially Jeremy, then you KNOW that the kids need some where to be able to burn off some energy. We are not a TV or electronic entertainment family – in fact we’ve once again cut our cable. We unhooked the TV about 2 weeks ago and then today canceled the service because why are we paying for something that we are not using. It is initially difficult to wean the kids, but then, as if by magic, they become happy cheerful playing children instead of television zombies ready to snap the heads off each other in the event that one should stand between them and their beloved TV.

All of that to say that we need some sort of a yard….or at the very least SOME PLACE for the kids to play and to keep Siah safe while getting some fresh air.

For the very same cost in Walnut Grove….which is a part of Langely – which is 6 cities or about 35 minutes from Vancouver… can get a HOUSE with a YARD….that needs no fix up except to re-paint.

In Walnut Grove, we would be close to family….lots of family….it’s a HUGE family community…I have dreamed about living there for years…..

So which do we choose? Closer to work….like a LOT closer to work but with no yard and seriously compromising space for the family.

Or Further from work, (it’s about half way from where we are now and we have been commuting for an hour each way since January) but with a house, yard, community, family, and enough living space… We could possibly bus to work in just over an hour if we needed to.

So, I am conflicted……I want a house. I want to be able to plant a veggie garden. I want the kids to be able to play outside. I want a place where the kids will WANT to bring their friends home to “hang out”. I want the kids to not feel like we have compromised them and their needs for our “work”. I want them to be comfortable and happy. I want us to be comfortable and happy. I really want a house. I don’t really want a town house.

And, then we are getting comments about how we “need” to be closer, and about how it’s better to live closer and that we will need to compromise. I do recognize that there are compromises but I want to compromise where my kids don’t lose out. We could live a little bit closer (but not in Vancouver) but there would be NO family around in the event that we would need to ask them to help them out.

We are not expecting our family to raise our kids as we go and do our “job” but sometimes we do need family and there is a better chance of having them available if we are closer and slim to none chance that they’d be available if we lived further away (from them).

So that is the whole house thing……FUN, EH?

I’m also struggling with feeling like what I’m doing (at work) is pointless. I’m way to early in this game to be feeling this way, but in someways it feels like I’m trying to run against the current and after 5 months of running against the current while at the same time trying to not rock any boats that are floating past me – I’m tired and frustrated!

I LOVE to be able to organize and work with structure and to create and make things easier. I get frustrated when it feels like there are things outside of my influence that I am relying on to get done so that everything else can also get done and those original things don’t get done and then that effects me and my “effectiveness”. That probably made no sense but think of domino’s….if the original ones are not knocked over then the rest don’t get knocked over either….you need to start at the beginning and you are counting on the beginning ones to start and complete the task. When they don’t get done….then it effects everything. Does that make sense? If not, then oh well….

I also feel like we are living in limbo land. We want to be able to sign the girls up for Late French Immersion School, but if we don’t know where we are going before school is out, then we can’t do that….there there is no guarantee that we will even be able to get them into the program…. At this rate, if we don’t make a decision, then the kids could still be in the school where we currently are, and if that’s the case, then I feel like I might be a little bit crazy in September after trying to do the whole kids out of school and work and commute forever and ever and just the thought of it all it messing with my head.

I feel like I really need to get settled. I want to get settled. This is year number two of unsettled-ness and I’ve about had it. I need the stability in my life. I do SO MUCH BETTER when things are stable.

At this point, I feel like I’m going to start whining about my life and so now I will stop. Or else you will hear a lot of whining and moaning and no one really wants to hear that.

So that is where we are at…..I’d love to say that everything was awesome and amazing but honestly that’s not how I’m feeling right now.

I’m feeling pretty discouraged. I know that it’s just a “feeling” and that I’ll feel differently soon, but right now….this is where I’m at. Warts and all… is fun(ny). There are ups and down and if you ride the waves as opposed to fighting them – you don’t get quite as tired out as if you try to fight through it.

And so I ride through this bit of a down turn in my life…..

I’m Still Here

I can’t even fathom the fact that it’s been almost 2 weeks since I last posted.

The thing is…..I want to be on here recording more of what’s going on in our lives and yet…..i just haven’t.

Our lives are busy. Good busy! But busy, nonetheless, and I’m typically exhausted and I like to bring funny stuff here. As I type this, it makes no sense to me because who cares if it’s funny. I just love to go and read about other people’s lives. And even the boring stuff is interesting to me because it’s more insight into who they are and what they are doing and why they do things the way they do.

I know that it’s only a “part” of their lives, but I still find it fun and interesting.

So, here I am.

I think the biggest thing that I’m frustrated is the fact that I am currently spending 8 hours a week in the car travelling and that SUCKS! That’s an entire day of my week gone. I’m trying to figure out how to use that time….on the phone or when Jon’s with me we can be planning and discussing things, but more often than not it’s just wasted time. DOUBLE SUCKS!!

AND….on top of that, I’ve started to exercise and I’m up to 40 minutes on my eliptical machine which if you throw in a shower at the end – which is totally necessary – that’s an hour each time, and I’ve scheduled in 3 times for sure and if I can, I try to do more. This whole exercise thing is funny. I hate it. Even after almost a month, I still hate it, and yet I think about getting on that machine way more than I ought to – so there is something that is happening that my body is craving…..and I seem to hit my stride at about 12 minutes in and then I LOVE IT for the next 20 minutes and then I HATE IT for the next 8 minutes. They usually go something like this…..imagine me trucking along on the machine and as the cycle of information (minutes done, speed, distance, calories and heart rate) pases by I count down in 30 second intervals (that’s how long it takes to cycle through) 8 minutes…….7 and a half minutes……..7 minutes…..6 and a half minutes……Jon, come and distract me……Siah, come and dance for mommy…….I wonder how long I’ve got left to go now…..AAAAAAAAAK! Are you kidding me still 5 and a half minutes…..okay, 5 minutes, now….

And it goes like that all the way until the 40 minutes is up….LOVELY, eh?

I know that I’m feeling better and that I have more energy, and there are times that I “WANT” to get moving, but somehow it’s not my most favorite thing to do. Any of you, out there, exercise freaks? Will I start LOVIN’ this at some point? Or is it always just going to be a decision to make it happen?

Another thing that’s frustrating me about this is that instead of losing weight……I actually put on weight? I’m watching what I’m eating and I gained about 4 pounds. When you are trying to “LOSE” weight – well, the gain just really threw me. I’m sticking with it, and I’m now at 183, but still…..what’s up with that?

I wish I had taken my measurements at the beginning to see if I’m losing inches. I think I am because the “muffin top” that hung ever so elegantly over the waistband of my jeans is almost non-existant and I have room in my belt when I put it at my normal “comfy” belt hole. So, both of those things would lead me think that I’m changing shape, even if the number hasn’t done what I’d like it to. Oh, and there’s the loving way that Jon mentioned that where my butt had pretty much slid down into my thighs, now it’s retaining a more shelf like appearance. Thanks for putting that so eloquently, honey! You’re have such a way with words – eloquence like a poet…..seriously.

Well, I’m sure that I could ramble some more, but i got a baby to feed and myself to get ready for the day and then I gotta kick it into high gear as today is an “at home” day and I gotta lot to do in a short amount of time.

Busy, Busy, Busy!!!!

I am so looking forward to a time when things area bit slower in our lives. In fact, as I type that – I may need to just create some times that are free and slower so that we have some “down time”.

This week has felt a bit crazy, and yesterday I left the house at 9:30am and didn’t get home until 8:45pm….almost 12 hours of being out and caring for Siah out, as well.


Don’t get me wrong – the little dude is amazing. Such a trooper, and he is typically so happy and when it’s nap time – he just nurses and then sleeps on the floor on a blanket for an hour or two. It’s awesome. I couldn’t ask for an easier baby. BUT….he’s not just baby anymore and even though he’s happy – HE IS BUSY! And always climbing and getting into things. And that can be a bit wearing, especially if I’m trying to “accomplish” something.

I keep having to remind myself that “HE IS MY MOST IMPORTANT JOB RIGHT NOW!” That tends to pull things back into perspective for me.

We have just a few hours at home this morning and then we are headed off to pick up the girls from a birthday party from my sister’s house and then we are headed – once again – into town. We are going to spend some time with Nana and then sleep over at her house so we don’t have to do the LOOOOOOONG drive in, super early tomorrow morning.

I’m sitting here bloggin when there are so many other things that I could be doing. I just finished 25 minutes on the eliptical and so I am sweaty and sticky and stinky and that just needs to be dealt with. The house needs a tidy and we won’t be home until late Sunday night, so that has to be done today or we come home to some serious fabulous-ness for Monday morning. YUCK!

I also need to do some laundry and some other general tidy/cleaning and take a look at the grocery inventory to see whether or not we need to pick something up for Monday so that the kids aren’t whining about no food.

And so, I will go to get moving on my day.

I have a few questions for you guys though…Do you have a strategy for “down time”? Do you schedule it in? Do you take down time or no? How do you fit everything in and not be totally stressed out?

ps – February will be bringing a super-duper sale in the shop so be looking for it.

Early Morning Rising

I know tht 7:40am is not technically early, but….I’ve been awake since 5:45am, and as far as I’m concerned….thats freaky early.

We had a meeting to attend yesterday and so when Siah fell asleep on the way into work yestrday morning – I decided to push him all day without a nap. I knew that it would most likely result in a bit of a cranky baby later in the afternoon, but that it would mean that he would go down at bedtime earlier than usual and that we’d be able to have our meeting without any distractions or meltdowns.

And….it worked perfectly as planned. Siah was a bear by 4:00pm, but promptly fell asleep at 6:50pm…..early, I know! The meeting was scheduled for 7pm, and I had no sitter for Siah. The other kids were out in Abbotsford with my grandparents, and we were in Vancouver.

So I figured that we’d have an early start to today, but I didn’t count on it being quite that early.

So, I’m sitting here snuggling with a very large cup of extra strong coffee…my mother-in-law uses espresso for her drip machine….WOW! But, I have to say that I am a little nervous about the drive home. Typically after two full days of work back to back, the hour’s drive home on Wednesday night usually takes some effort as I want to fall asleep – I think that I might even need to stop and get a Starbucks before I head out. Yuuummmmmmm!

We had a good weekend and I have some pics that I hoped to get up yesterday but I was CRAZEE busy and well, it just didn’t work out. Maybe today???

I think that Sunday was the back breaker as far as me feeling sick, and I’m definately on the upswing as far as feeling better goes. Not that I feel awesome, and the snot…..OH MY GOODNESS the snot is amazing……but I’m not still wondering if it’s turned into strep and if I’m starting to get an ear infection.

I do feel so bad for Xandra. She came into our room early Monday morning cryng about how bad her throat felt, and unfortunately I knew just how ad she was feeling.

This has been just so bizarre as we are almost never sick and I am SO READY for it to all be gone.

Well, I should probably at least start getting ready for the day, no?

Thanks to all for your thoughts and well wishes. We so appreciate everyone who thinks of us and remembers with us.

ps. I did 25 minutes on my Eliptical Machine on Monday night and now I can’t walk….it’s pretty funny. I’m thinking that it’s going to be even funnier when I try to get back on the sucker tonight.

Feeling HUGELY Under Pressure

I feel like I’m under pressure to make EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. COUNT.

I feel like if  I take some time as down time, then I’m not going to be able to get everything done and if I get behind on stuff then how will I ever manage to stay on top of it all….laundry, cleaning, organizing, planning….so much stuff to do….

See, today is my home day.  Right now I have 2 days during the week that I am fully at home and while I realize that this would be a HUGE luxury for some, this is a HUGE change for me.  I am used to every day being a home day and there is a HUGE part of me that liked the slower pace of being at home. 

To be completely honest, there was also aonther part of me that was completely bored…and so it’s a good thing that I am now able to be busy, but I am still in the whole “adjustment period” of things.  If you’ve had a child go from being at home every day to going to pre-school or kindergarten and they come home and are so over-tired from the overstimulation of the day…..that’s where I’m about right now.

I come home absolutely exhausted whenever I’ve been working.  I don’t know how all you “working mom’s” do it.  I am finding that as with just about everything in life that I see both the positives and the negatives in our situation.  I do trust that it will eventually work it’s way out to a great routine, but this sorting things out and figuring out the new “normal” is a bit taxing – on me.  The kids seem to be doing good…Sunday’s are probably our hardest days just because of the length of the day, but again…we’ll work it all out soon enough.

I know that I need to add some sort of an exercise routine into my schedule life as it would probably help me out too.  Still working on a “schedule” – I hope I can figure one out soon.  I do so much better when I “know” what to expect, as opposed to just flailing around spontaneously…..although I recognie that a certain amount of spontanaiety can be a good thing especially if you tend to be a bit too controlled..not that I’m anything but completely balanced in that aspect…Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA!

Oh well……Today I’ve managed to made a big pot of chicken veggie soup from the roast chicken that we had for dinner last night and that should last us for dinner tonight as well as for a couple of lunches. 

The kids have tomorrow as a ProD day and we are just going to take them into work with us.  It should be interesting!  They can play and watch videos and I just have to figure out what to take for us all for lunches tomorrow….fun!

And then…..Then we are going to hang out with our friends tomorrow night.  It’s been far too long since we have spent any time with them and it will be fun to just hang out and relax.  We can always use a little bit of downtime, and this is some of our most favorite ways to relax….hanging out with our friends…no agenda, just chillin’…

What are some of your favorite things to do to relax…either personally or as a family?

ps.  I added some of our pictures up over at Flickr so you can either click over HERE to check it out or click on the “Photos” button in the menu at the top.  There are about 6 new albums that you can click through – if you’re interested??