The Journey

Weight has felt like an issue to me for most of my adult life.

I don’t know if it started with a modelling agent slapping a chocolate bar out of my hand when I was 13/14 and telling me I wasn’t allowed to eat it.

Me – Summer 2021

I don’t know if it was hearing about how hard my mother and grandmother and great grandmother were always fighting to lose weight.

I don’t know if it was the fact that I towered over most of my friends, both male and female, in height and stature.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that at 16 (and so thin) that I outweighed my peers by at least 20 lbs.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that food and I have had a crappy relationship. I have eaten to feel better. I have eaten to avoid and escape. I have eaten to reward. I haven’t necessarily eaten to nourish myself; to show love and respect to myself.

In August of this year, I asked my Doctor for a referral to an Obesity Clinic.

He was reluctant to refer because they have “strict criteria”. When I explained that I definitely fit their expected criteria, he took me for a height and weight check because he didn’t believe me. I don’t have high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, heart problems or any of the other comorbidities of obesity. But, at 243lbs and 5’7” – my BMI was 38 and I was definitely considered obese.

If proving my need for a referral wasn’t difficult enough; there were communication issues between my Drs. Office and the Obesity Clinic and it took a month and me personally chasing down the referral for the process to actually get started.

If I’m being honest, I really don’t even know what I’m getting into other than I’m overweight and overwhelmed and I want and need something to change.

I’ve “been apart of the program” since September. It’s a process. It’s a slow process.

I had it in my mind that “something” would change. Something would be different. Something would be life changing.

And you know what, I think it is. But it’s also a process. I’ve spent probably 30+ years making decisions that have gotten me here and a few weeks won’t undo or reverse those decisions.

I have my third “group session” on Tuesday and I’m dreading it and looking forward to it. Both sessions 1 and 2 have had meaningful – to me – aspects and I’m sure this session will be the same.

Shame tells me that someone’s gonna call me out or tell me I’m doing something wrong or that I’m bad. (We’re starting the nutrition section of the core sessions; and food and I have such a complicated and complex relationship.)

Experience tells me that these people are lovely and supportive and want to help.

Fear whispers that I’m not going to be able to do this.

Courage calmly states that I can.

And so, I make little changes. I take small steps. I summon courage and make the best decisions that I can for today, for this meal, for this moment. I trust that I can learn new skills. I believe that I can make significant and impacting life changes that will benefit me now and in the future. I recognize that this is a long game.

If weight management was as simple as, just do it. Just try harder! Then I wouldn’t be here. But for me, this is more complicated than that. And while I wish I wasn’t in this position. I’m so thankful that I’m healthy and that I’m receiving help and support so I can be even healthier for longer.

My Journey with Food Addiction (part 1)

It’s said that knowledge is power and when it comes to food addiction and me, that saying is so true.

Here is a decent explanation of Food Addiction and how it relates to me…….(just click on the underlined words)

I’ve struggled with my weight for a really long time…..I’ve had issue with food for even longer. I remember sitting down as a child/preteen/teenager and pounding back cookies or chocolate bars or candy or to a lesser degree chips…..any kind of junk food specifically those with sugar and/or flour.

I’ve never really understood people who could take “just one”. As far back as I can remember, it was kind of an all or nothing deal. If I had a bag of M&M’s….I’d eat until they were gone…..and it was never the small bag – always the BIG ONES. I’d never just buy 1 chocolate bar…it was 3 or 4. I’d grab a handful of cookies and most likely head back for a second or third handful.

While I was a teenager, it never seemed that big of a deal because I was a tall, big framed person and weight wasn’t ever an issue for me.

I was 170lbs when I got married and definitely was not overweight by visual standards.

I still struggle because according to different standards like the BMI or other weight calculators, I was overweight based on my height vs weight ratio….but in no way was I overweight back then……I was thin, I modeled. I firmly believe those standards are flawed…

As far as my weight goes, I did ok until after I had my second child and then things started changing……I didn’t lose the weight as fast as I did after having Angelica. Literally, 10 days after having Geli, I was back in my pre-pregancy clothes and I could see my hip bones and everything. It was not the same after having Alexandra and from then on I began to actually “struggle” with my weight.

But this whole issue is about SO MUCH MORE than weight……and that’s where the “knowledge is power” aspect really comes into play for me.

I remember my sister telling me about a friend of hers who was eating a certain way and she briefly mentioned “food addiction” when she was telling me about this “way of eating”. I briefly looked into it but mostly because I was desperate to lose weight. I didn’t particularly “like” the food eating plan and so I dismissed it…..after all, I wasn’t an addict and I most certainly wasn’t addicted to food…I only had 10 pounds to lose and then I’d be happy……

I’ve spent a huge portion of the last 20 years dieting or eating according to a “food program”. I’ve eaten low carb, sugar free, fast metabolism, 3 day diet, and so many more gimmicky eating plans to try and lose weight. And while some of them worked for a bit, in the end……I’ve gained the weight back and felt more miserable and like a HUGE failure on top of it all.

I think that there have been 2 periods of time over the last almost 20 years where I’ve been close to a healthy weight. Neither lasted very long and between the different traumas and stresses in our lives, its been a brutal battle.

2014 has been an extremely difficult year for me and yet……’s been an amazing year.

We are exhausted.

And that’s putting it mildly.

Over the past 10 years, we’ve had numerous job changes and losses, a stillbirth, 2 second trimester losses, an early miscarriage, the long desired arrival of Josiah, a crazy long, difficult and exhausting journey to an Autism Diagnosis, children with special needs, cancer and the birth of our sweet Judah in the middle of it, serious Mental Health Issues, and 2 BIG house moves…..there is more that I’ve not accounted for, but that’s enough….it’s just too much. We are tapped out.

I feel like I’ve been fighting a battle for a long time. I have been…….. but what’s worse is that I really didn’t understand what or who I was fighting.

Earlier this year, I committed to 100 days of investing in myself. When I look back, I see that I was searching for answers and that I was close to finding them but just not quite there….

See, in the past, my focus has been for the quick fix….

– If I lose 10 pounds, I’ll be happier and then I can go back to doing whatever I want.

– Ok, realistically, I should lose 20 pounds, but that’s a lot and so difficult so if I eat no/low carb for a few weeks, I should loose a ton of weight, and then I’ll be happy and be able to do whatever I want.

– OK!!!! So I should probably be REALLY SERIOUS and just go for an entire month and hopefully lose more than 20 lbs and then I’ll be happy and can do whatever I want……….

It was all about losing the weight as fast as possible – which for me typically meant no sugar, no fruit, no carbs……just veggies and protein….and then something would happen and I’d “cheat”………. cause everyone deserves a cheat now and then, especially when you’re being SO GOOD. That cheat would typically turn into more than just a little treat and BAM…….soon I’d be stuffing my face with whatever I could find.

The “100 Days” challenge was difficult for me and yet amazing, when I look back on it. I’d decided that it needed to be more than a quick fix. I needed something longer term, because the quick fixes were not working. I needed a shift from “short term/quick fix” thinking to something that was more a “lifestyle/long term” plan.

So I started back in February….on Valentines Day to be exact…. my plan was no sugar, no gluten, low carb, only natural foods that I could eat in whole form or combine to make something. I’d started running in 2013 and planned on combining that exercise with my food eating plan to be able to lose weight and really get control of my life which felt so chaotic and out of control.

It started out pretty good. I started 2014 at 230 lbs…..

Towards the end of March, I was doing pretty good. I was down to 208 lbs. I’d run over 100 km in the month of March….and then I stalled.

March-April-May…nothing shifted and I was getting frustrated. I started eating things that were outside of my chosen allowable foods and my running slowed down and by the start of summer….I crashed. it probably didn’t help that I was anemic over the summer.

Summer of 2014 was an absolute out-of-control, gong show. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I didn’t exercise. I felt lousy. I was trying to just survive. It was so bad, that even walking upstairs to my bedroom was a colossal effort and so once I came down stairs, I avoided going back up until I had too. Lotta couch time over the summer and anything I did do, came at a huge price as I’d crash the next day.

Every time I walk upstairs now, I flash back to how bad it was over the summer and I’m amazed at the difference from then till now. It’s pretty drastic. I went up on my anxiety meds and even added another one into the mix. There were days that I contemplated hospitalizing myself because I could not get the anxious thought under control and I’d spend the entire day fighting thoughts….crying… was pretty bad.

September’s are always like a new year for me….a new start……so I kept looking forward to September and the kids going back to school and routine and…….when it came…..everything was still brutally difficult and nothing changed except that I didn’t have the kids home all day…..I didn’t do anything. I couldn’t. I was so exhausted. Just existing was difficult….it was bad!

I went to give blood in September. I’ve been donating blood since I was 18 and while it’s not been as regular as I’d like and been broken up by pregnancy, breastfeeding, and different meds that I’ve been on….I could finally give and so I did….only to be denied because my hemoglobin was too low. While at the time I felt pretty embarrassed to be denied, that was the start of something amazing…….like the catalyst that kick started this next phase in my life.

I went to my dr and asked for some blood work. I started taking iron…..went and saw my naturopath, got a few supplements…… Finally towards the end of October, I started to feel a bit better.

I honestly cant remember why or how the whole concept of food addiction came to me but right at that same time, I started doing some serious research and reading about food addiction.

It was like my whole world exploded into tiny shards of hope and shame, exhilaration and denial…….

I am Winning! Day 26 – Tuesday March 11

I’m sitting at my kitchen table, a million lego pieces on the floor around me thanks to 2 little boys who eat, sleep and breathe lego.

I have so many thoughts swarming around my head. I feel like I’m trying to herd a cloud of flies. I can’t seem to grasp one or get them to neatly line up so I can process through them. I’m not sure if I’m subconsciously avoiding dealing with “them” or if I just get so few opportunities to sit and think……..and now there are just too many……

I mentioned that I have a Dr’s appt on Thursday. It’s the yearly appointment of joy and fun, if you are a woman. And, it just happens to work out that it will be 4 weeks/28 days since I started this journey. So, I will get up on Thursday and take my measurements. I’m unsure whether I want to step on my scale at home or just do it at the Dr’s office.

I mentioned that I’m scared of the number.

It’s true! And so incredibly stupid.

It’s been so freeing not knowing the number. And yet, I still mull it over and over in my head, way more often than I’d like. My thoughts go something like this……

If I’ve lost 10 pounds, that’s awesome.

Yah, but your eating has been impecable…..surely you’ve lost more than 10 pounds.

But you’ve seen yourself in the mirror….you’ve got a LONG way to go.

But you’re doing SO good.

Yah, but it’s not fast enough and you are running like crazy.

I know but I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to set myself up for a blow.

Is it a disappointment if you’ve lost weight and gotten stronger?

No, but what if I’ve not lost hardly any weight because I gained muscle?

I don’t want to be over 200 pounds. I hate that number.

And on and on and on……..

None of that is positive. It’s not helping me.

I know that I’m fitting in clothes differently. I feel better. I can actually see my cheekbones. I feel less exhausted and crazy(anxiety is less….sort of, I guess). I’m sleeping better. I’m accomplishing more (I think). And yet, I’m still on this stupid merry-go-round.

There is less of it. So, I guess that’s a positive.

I’ve probably upped my distance in running/walking too fast. The difference is…..I feel so much better when I’m exercising. I seem to hit the “high” after 35 minutes. And it feels SO GOOD!

BUT……my knees are tired and one is a little swollen. It’s funny because it doesn’t really hurt, but it feels……weak? Maybe that’s the best word for it. So, I’m going to back off a little because I don’t want to actually damage it. But as soon as I think about backing off…I start to feel a little panicky because I don’t want to gain weight back and I don’t want to feel anxious again.

Ha! Again with the “having anxiety” about having anxiety.

At least I can recognize this and laugh at myself. Even though it’s no laughing matter. Anxiety sucks. If you’ve never really dealt with it on a constant day to day basis….count yourself blessed. It’s as wearing as long term physical pain. It’s soul crushing.

I don’t want to think like this. I don’t want to be like this. And yet, even in my weakness, there is a positive side. I’d like to think that I have a certain amount of understanding and compassion for others who may be experiencing anxiety or other mental health issues. If you haven’t really experienced long term anxiety, it can be difficult to really comprehend.

My least favorite “helpful” suggestion is, “Just stop thinking like that!”

I wish I could.

I’m not sure if it has to do with a crazy imagination or what, but just recently I was standing in the shower and my mind flashed to a picture of me slipping, hitting my head on the temperature dial, splitting my head open and dying. In one second, I went from doing a mundane task of getting clean, to a flash of panic.

I don’t want to die. I’m actually quite satisfied with where I am at right now. I don’t want to think thoughts like this. That thought or picture flashed through my head, followed by a wave of anxiety and my immediate next thoughts were, That’s the anxiety. Why does my brain do this? I don’t want to see that picture. I don’t want to feel this anxiety. The panic that washes over you in an instant, like water flowing from the shower.

I didn’t ask to feel that. I don’t want to feel that. Even though I can recognize that it’s “anxiety”, that doesn’t mean that I can just dismiss the whole experience. I’m left exhausted by the surge of panic. Even if it was only for a moment. Even if I know it’s not real, and that there is little to no chance of “that” actually happening……the experience is still wearing. I want it to just stop. If I never had a thought like that again…..I would be thrilled.

But I can use my experiences to understand and show compassion and to teach….so that when my son comes to me asking if the mark on his face could possibly be cancer. Even though, his next comment is that he knows it most likely isn’t and that its probably just the anxiety speaking…..

I can know that I’m helping him to differentiate between the anxiety and reality. I can also understand that he’s emotionally exhausted and has little reserves to “hold himself together”. I can “get” that he’s not wanting to feel or think like this.

It makes this whole situation a little easier to deal with.

But believe me….if I could just stop this…..I would.

If you don’t deal with anxiety, maybe the next time someone shares an anxious moment with you….instead of encouraging them to “just stop it”, you could just listen……and say something encouraging like, “That’s tough. It’s got to be hard fighting against that or feeling like that.” It’s amazing how encouraging validation is. It’s not saying that being anxious or stressed is okay. It’s just acknowledging that the person is experiencing stress on the mind and body; and that they are fighting against it. It’s incredible to hear someone say, “Keep going! I’m standing here with you, beside you. Even if I’m unsure what to do….I’m here!

If you do deal with anxiety, keep fighting. Every day is a fight. Every day you fight….you are winning!

You are winning!

I am winning!

Day 2 – Scale Addict

Daily Photos

Day 2 – Hi, my name is Patti and I am an addict. I weigh myself daily. And based on what the scale says….I walk around happy and motivated to continue on…..or I feel like a failure and beat myself up over every food decision that I make.This is not a healthy way to live. I get that. Which is why I will be weighing myself once a month for the next 100 days. All day, my thoughts kept wandering back to my bathroom and wondering what those numbers would say. I hate that. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff…..this is a bit of a scary place to be. On one hand, it's exciting to be walking away from the scale. On the other hand, it's what I've done. It's how I've lived my life. I don't think that's a good thing. Which is why I'm on this journey…..I want to change. I don't like where I'm at. And that's why I'm going to have Jon put that stupid thing away. That way, it's not even an issue. #100daystowardsmyself
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Monday Morning Weigh-In

I need to take some pics to add to this post. Hopefully soon….

It’s been a while since I had a Monday morning weigh-in, and I’m pleased to report that as of this morning I weighed 192.4 lbs.

DSC_0270I figure that’s not a terrifying number to get through the holiday’s and end up at.

If you search back….the last time I weighed in, I was sitting right around 191 lbs. So, while I’ve not lost any weight…..the 1 pound weight gain is nothing I’m too worried about.

I’m still exercising a couple of times a week, in fact I’m headed out to class with my sister in an hour.

I’d say that while my weight hasn’t changed drastically, my shape is changing. Change is good, right?

I’ve also wondered if I am a bit anemic as I’ve been feeling so SO tired, recently. Like, ridiculously so….I talked with my Dr. today and I’m upping my iron supplements a bit (my iron was on the lowest end of normal at my last blood test) and hopefully that will help me to feel a bit more energetic. It would be nice if the sun would come out, too! It seems like our winter has finally shown up. Read that as it’s grey and raining, and wet and raining and oh. so. blah…….with more rain. It’s nasty.

I’d post a weekly menu along with this, but I haven’t made one…..yet! I really need to. It makes such a difference in our meals, budget, health and stress levels. Tonight we’re having “chili and rice”. Thank goodness for freezer meals for those days when you’ve been too lazy to cook.

So, how did the holiday’s treat you? Do you have some holiday weight to work off? Any New Years Resolutions regarding exercise and weight loss?

ps. Pic of the oldest and youngest on Christmas morning. He’s just tolerating the camera in his face.

pps. I realize that technically it’s not Monday morning, but that was the original title of this post and I just went with it.

Weighing In on Myself

I haven’t updated my Monday morning weigh posts for…..I think it’s been 2 weeks now.

The thing is, I’m hovering between 190 and 191. I’m not losing but I’m not gaining. The fact of the matter is….I’m not really trying right now.

As I mentioned in the last post, there is a lot going on behind the scene and weight loss has taken a bit of a lower priority on the list for right now.

I’m not particularly unhappy with my size and shape. Yes, I could be a bit skinner and I could be a bit more toned, but I’m not particularly unhappy with myself. I have lost between 10-15 pounds since August and that’s great.

Yes, I have issues with the NUMBER of my weight, because seriously, who wants to be almost 200 pounds.

Ah, that is one of “THOSE THINGS” that I’m trying to deal with.

So, I will not be doing any more Monday morning weigh in’s in the near future. I might pick it up again in the future, ya know to keep myself accountable or maybe I’ll do a once a month weigh-in. I dunno. I’m thinking about it. I’ll get back to you. I know that you’re just sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for an update about my weight. It’s what’s been keeping you going on those nasty Monday mornings, isn’t it? Ha HA!

But, that is where I am at with that! We’ll see if I’m singing a different tune after I’m done with all the Holiday eating!

Monday Weigh-In

Well, it’s past Monday morning, although I did weigh myself this morning….I just haven’t had the time to post yet.

I’m down to 190.2lbs from 190.6lbs….so not a big drop, but a drop nonetheless.

I had some running around to do this morning and now Siah is napping and I really have a ton of things to accomplish this afternoon.

My biggest question at this exact moment, is “How am I going to get to my exercise class this evening?”

Gelica is doing a French Presentation at the School Board Office tonight for parents who are thinking about putting their children into either the Early French Immersion or into the Late French Immersion Program.

Jon is going to take her to that at 7pm. My class tonight is as 6pm, and I should be home by 7:45pm, but what to do with the other 3 kiddos in the hour that both he and I are gone. I could probably ask my mother if she’d watch them for an hour…..Hmmmmm!

Gotta figure this one out. I’m still trying to exercise a couple of times a week. It’s not my favorite, but I do enjoy the class once I get going……USUALLY!

Well, I did plan out the menu for this week already and I’ll post that quickly.

Monday – Salmon, Rice and Steamed Veggies

Tuesday – Taco’s

Wednesday – Homemade Chicken Soup and Biscuits

Thursday – Chicken Stirfry over Rice Noodles

Friday – Nacho’s

Saturday – Pasta with a Chicken Cream Sauce

Sunday – Lasagna

This is a busy week, and Jon’s going away hunting on Thursday night, so it’ll be just me and the kids until Sunday night. Should be a fun, action packed weekend.

Do you have any fun plans for this week or weekend?

Another Monday Morning Weigh-In

And yet another Monday has rolled around.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect this morning when I got on the scale.

On one hand, I was sure that my weight was up but there is always that slim-to-none chance that encourages you to hope that for once…..just for once that things go your way….

I only managed to make it out to my exercise class twice last week, so that was already working against me and then…….I went to a Ladies Retreat this weekend and at this particular camp they have the MOST AMAZING FOOD.

Now, I was good. I called ahead and talked to the head cook and asked for a dairy free, wheat free, red meat free diet. It wouldn’t have killed me to eat all the garbage delicious food that they would have been offering, but I knew that physically – I would be a lot more comfortable sticking to what I’ve been doing, and really who needs extra gas when you are sharing a small room with 4 other women.

Even so, this camp is SO accommodating and the specialty meals that they prepared were DELICIOUS. I did not lose out in any way. They even offered a special dessert with lunch and dinner.

So, like I said, I had no clue what to expect this morning, but……I stepped on the scale and it read 190.6 pounds.


I am down another 1.2 pounds. If you had seen the food this weekend, you’d be amazed that I still lost. It was that good!

Today is a bit of a rest day for me. It’s been about a month that I’ve been sick and while I’m starting to feel better, I think that this weekend pushed me a little more than I was really ready for. I’ll be taking it easy today and spending some time on my couch. I do want to actually prepare a meal plan for this week and I will be going into work tomorrow AND there is an evening meeting tomorrow night as well….UGH! I’m thankful that Wednesday is a holiday.

Well, my littlest man is rummaging through the fridge ad so I gotta go before he opens up all the salad dressing and rubs the “creamies” into his legs……

Updates x 2

Well, it’s that time again….Time for the Monday morning weigh-in.

And……drum roll please………

Okay, lets just all remember that it was the week leading up to Halloween and that Halloween landed on a Saturday and how are you supposed to work with that…and well……

I lost weight!


I am down to 191.8lbs. That’s 2 lbs down from last week. I’m getting there slowly. It doesn’t help that I’m still not feeling 100%. This has been the WORST couple of weeks. From when I got sick on Thanksgiving…I think that I’ve had a total of 3 days that I felt okay….the rest have been varying degrees of suckage.

Oh well, I think I am starting to feel better, but the kids seem to keep spreading the germs around like they’re something to be shared. Geli had a fever yesterday, and looks like she’s not doing so hot today and is coughing, but no fever….WEIRD!!! Jeremy and Siah are hacking up a lung and as you can imagine…that’s not a pretty sight!

I really want to just feel better and to have ONE of my at home days with no (okay, just Siah) children. They are feeling “just okay enough” to not be confined to their beds….but I can’t send them to school. Not Cool, people! NOT COOL!

Alrighty then……enough whining and moaning about all of that…….

Hey! How about an update on my dad?

It was so nice of me to just throw that bit of news out there and then to not update on anything…..

He is doing great….actually he’s better than great. Apparently, having your cornea cookie cutter-ed out of your eye ball is NO BIG DEAL AT ALL!

In fact, when I was talking to dad a few hours after the surgery….he was all cheery and peppy and it was almost a treat for him to have his eye ball massacred. In fact, NO LIE….he said that it was better than going to the dentist. While I’m not a huge fan of the dentist, I can’t fathom how having a giant needle poked into your eye ball and shot up with freezing….having your eye lids pried open with retractor’s….having a ring sewn onto your eye and then a razor sharp cookie cutter pressed down and twisted onto your eye to removed the cornea….yah…I think I’ll stop right there because I’m grossing myself out and I’ve already heard about it a few times… I should be desensitized to it all.

So, the long and the short of it is that he’s doing great….better than great. His eye looks a little creepy, but what can you expect when they “Frankenstein” you up.

I will warn you to NOT look at this picture if you are squeamish…….YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

Dad’s Eye!

If you look closely, you can see all the little stitches…..pretty cool, eh?

Addressing the Issue of Size……

I thought that I could say something about myself and my size.

I’ve gotten a few comments about how I look good or about how someone would never have guessed that I weigh what I weigh and it got me thinking…...and as it goes, I’m going to share what I’m thinking…..who wouldda guessed that, eh?

I am not a small person.

I have NEVER been a small person……well, maybe when I was a baby, but other than that….

When I was 12 years old, I grew 6 inches over one summer landing me at 5 foot 8 inches tall by the end of that summer. I weighed 120 pounds and modeled for a few years after that. I wasn’t fat or overweight, in fact I was thin……but I am (and was) a BIG person.

Now, I am 5 foot 10 inches and currently I weigh 193.8 lbs. I come from a big family. There are big bones on both sides of my heritage. I managed to get size in my genetic make up. I carry the weight well and fairly evenly distributed….I’d prefer that I have a little less in the truck and a little more up top (if ya know what I mean) but for the most part I’m not completely depressed by how I look….for someone who’s has a million children…..or ya know 4.

I am a big person. It’s taken some time, but for the most part I am comfortable being a big person.

It was difficult as a teenager. I won’t lie. And I struggled with feeling like “Ginormica” compared to the majority of my friends and especially my mother and sisters…..they’re petite! But I came to realize that there was nothing I could do to change my size and that I could be miserable about something that I couldn’t change or I could accept that it was who I am and carry on with life.

There are aspects of being a tall, big boned person that I like. I can hide a few extra pounds on my frame. I am strong. I can reach things in high places without needing help or even a stool.

Obviously, there are things that I don’t like about my size…..I’m not a big fan of the “number” of my weight. I don’t like feeling like I’m taller than all my girlfriends. I hate shopping because most pants are floods and those in the “tall girl” section have a rise in the crotch that makes the waist band sit right under my armpits. It’s a HAWT look!

But, for the most part I’m fairly happy with myself. I would like to lose some weight. Ideally, I’m about 20 pounds heavier than I’m could be, but honestly, I’m totally okay with weighing 180-185 lbs. I weighed 170-175 lbs when I got married and was by no means “large” at that point. I feel stronger and healthier when I weigh a little bit less than I do now. I’m not looking to be super model thin. I am completely realistic with myself and my size.

I currently wear size 11-15 pants depending on the cut, style and fabric. I wear a Medium to Large Shirt. I wear a size 10 shoe.

I am just a big person.

I see Angelica who is 12 years old walking the “big girl” road and I’m doing everything in my power to help her LOVE who she is.

It helps that I’m bigger than her…….for now! It helps that there are WAY more girls out there nowadays who are bigger and taller. It’s more normal now for girls to reach 6 feet tall and to have size 12 feet. It was brutal when I was 12/13 years old walking into a shoe store HOPING and PRAYING that they’d have even just 1 pair of a size 10 shoe and that it wasn’t too ugly. Now, It’s awesome to walk into shoe stores and to see size 11 and 12 ladies shoes and the variety and quantity. Not that I need that size, but if my girls do….no problems. It helps that I know what it feels like to be a big person.

I am a BIG person and I’m working on being as healthy as I can be.

I want to model good exercise habits for my kids. I want to teach them to eat well. I don’t want to see them sucked into the whole “I need to diet to be thin and acceptable” garbage. I want them to be aware of themselves in a healthy positive way. I want to teach them to be responsible for their health. I want them to love themselves for who they are and not for their size.

And so, I am working on myself because I believe that modeling healthy positive ways to live, eat and exercise is one of the best ways that I can train my children….and I think it’s working!