November 2011 – xangelle.com

I just don’t know……

What a day it’s been today and it’s only 12:45pm……CRAZY!

Right now, Jeremy and Josiah are outside for a little “Daily Physical Activity”, Judah is sleeping on the couch and I’m taking a moment for myself.

I kept Jeremy home from school today because I figured he needed a “Mental Health Day”. He’s been having some social difficulties at school and I’m concerned about him. Because of the severity of ADHD, there is a lot of “social conduct” that Jeremy has not learned. There are so many things that he just doesn’t “get” and it’s so hard because between him not understanding what is socially acceptable and unacceptable and him being “different” it can get him into social situations that look a lot like bullying. Not where he is bullying, but where he is being bullied.

I was talking with Jon yesterday about this and just comparing it to rape. Obviously, that is a bad comparison, but when it comes down to it….no woman “asks or deserves” to be raped and no child “asks or deserves” to be bullied…..regardless of what they do or do not do.

Jeremy is different. I will be the first to acknowledge that. Jeremy often makes awkward social choices without understanding how others will perceive him. He is not aware of how his actions come across or how they are inappropriate. And yet, the way he is currently being treated is not okay. Something has to change.

I’m not sure what the right thing to do is. I don’t want him to “quit”. I don’t want him to “give up”. This is not something that he should just “suck up” and “get over”. There are more and more kids committing suicide over bullying these days and while I don’t believe that is something that I need to worry about with Jeremy…..I don’t ever want it to get to the place where he might ever contemplate that. I want to advocate for him before it ever got anywhere close to that.

At the beginning of the year, Jeremy was so excited about school. He had such a positive outlook on school. He was excited about his teacher. He was excited because we were getting his meds tweaked. He was just really, really excited about school in general. So much has changed over the last 3 months. At this point, Jeremy wakes up in the morning and typically the first thing he says to me is that he’s not going to school. He continues to inform me that he’s not going to school until the moment I drop him off at school. And then from the minute he walks in the door, he lets me know that he hates school and that he’s not going back the next day…..He’s called me twice within the last week during the day to let me know that he’s stressed out and needs to come home. I don’t think that he’s being bullied the entire time that he’s at school, but I do think that the stress is wearing on him and making it difficult to focus and concentrate.

He called me yesterday crying and last night he fell apart. And so…..I told him that he could have a Mental Health day. He calmed a bit after that.

He is aware that he is going back to school tomorrow and today has not just been a free for all. I have contemplated home schooling him before. I have just as many pros as cons for doing it and for not doing it. It’s a tough call and ultimately I want to be able to do what is best for Jeremy while taking our family into consideration.

I see that there are things that are so beneficial for example….he’s got a science test coming up and we were studying for that. I was able to help him find the key points and we were able to talk through some of the issues that he didn’t fully understand. I had the ability to walk him through something one on one….and that I can see as totally beneficial. The down side to that, is that I had the two little boys going NUTS on me while I tried to do this. And it was a bit of a gong show. Now, it’s not something that we’ve done before and so I believe that they could learn to do something to entertain themselves which I would like them to do, but there is that factor of them being around to take into the mix. We were also able to play some classical music at the same time and Jeremy does seem to respond to that. He finds it easier to focus when there is classical music on…not something that they can do as easily in the classroom.

After the science, we worked on his spelling for a bit and I was able to test him orally while he walked around and moved. He got 14 out of 20 and seemed to really like the fact that he was allowed to move and pace. I made him print out the 6 words that he got wrong while standing at our kitchen counter…..on a wobble board. He does so much better when he can move and I think that it was a bonus.

After that, he played with both his brothers for ten minutes while I tidied up the kitchen. As much as that may seem silly…typically they fight when they play together and my rule was 10 minutes of playing with no fighting. Learning how to co-operate and problem solve while incorporating three very different age groups into the same activity. There was only one small squabble and Jeremy handled it very well….learning leadership….

After that we had an art period where we painted. We talked about how colors can be transparent or opaque and we started to paint some large garden rocks to prep them to become ladybugs. We talked about doing jobs with excellence especially if you are interested in selling them….he is…and how people want to buy things that are done with excellence. There is a higher value on well made items.

We cleaned up from our art time and then had lunch. I loved that Jeremy was able to eat a balanced and healthy lunch. I took the baby and nursed him to sleep and then shooshed the two boys outside for half an hour of Daily Physical Activity.

They are playing amazingly right now. Typically all I hear from them is fighting and screaming….so this is a bit of a Christmas miracle. I don’t know if the fact that everything has been broken down into small chunks of time has made a difference or what, but I like it.

When they come inside, I’ve got some math worksheets for Jeremy to do and then we are going to do 10 minutes of house tidying. After that I’m going to have them help me with making some cookies and we are going to talk about fractions and multiplication and division wile learning some home ec skills.

I’m also going to have Jeremy write up a journal entry about his day today.

There are so many good aspects of today and yet…I’m still not sure. What is the right thing to do? Would homeschooling him for half a year and then sending him back to school be the best thing for him? Would changing schools help? Would just sticking it out, be the best thing? What is the best thing for him? Is there even a “best thing” or do we just make a choice and go with it and believe that whatever we choose will work?

What do we do about the whole social skills thing? Obviously I could work on it with him at home, but it that the best thing??? Is it better to have an entire school to muddle through these things with? Is he really going to grow up to be in a position where he is in a huge group of people all the time or is there a greater likelihood that he winds up in a more solitary job? Does he need peace for his own mental good and what gives him the greatest amount of peace? I don’t know all the answers to my questions and that’s tough on me.

I like to know. I like to have a plan and for this…..I’m unsure. I don’t want to romanticize something and yet at the same time, i don’t want to pass something by that could be the best thing for him. Or it could be the worst thing for him….I just don’t know.

I just don’t know.

And so for now….I just keep encouraging him to forgive. I keep encouraging him to keep his heart soft and to not harden it. I keep encouraging him to try and try and try again.

Gelica’s Christmas List – From Gel

Hey everybody, every year mum gets us to post our x-mas lists so grandparents and other family and friends can see what we want for Christmas, so here’s my list.

– Soft colored pencils
– Kneaded eraser
– 2nd + Narnia books
– 2nd + Percy Jackson and the Olympians books
– Themed Monopoly (but not: M&M, Disney 3rd edition or Monopoly Deal)
– Subway, Starbucks, Chapters, House of James, iTunes and/or mall gift cards
– WHITE, 4TH GEN, 32 GB IPOD TOUCH (OR BLACK)
– Nail polish: light brown, light green, blue, orange, yellow, purple, black, white, hot pink, red and/or other colors
– Stephanie Smith, Gungor, and/or Adventure in Odyssey CDs
– Eye shadow: soft, light colors – Laptop (preferably Mac)

This and That and The Other Thing

I’m not sure why but the baby has started to take a nap on the couch. What I mean is that if I nurse him, he will fall asleep and then if I put him on the couch….he will stay asleep. If I put him into his crib….not so much. This makes no sense to me but if I can have a few minutes without someone whining and clinging to my pants legs…..then I’m just going to go with it.

~*~

I’m EXHAUSTED. I’ve been on the go since November the 13th because I’ve had one thing or another planned. First I was trying to get ready for the Craft Fair, and then I needed to get ready for a Christmas Party/Cookie Swap and I also was feeling quite a bit of stress about doing the whole Hospital/Chemo thing by myself….

Today is more or less a down day except I have to pile ALL the kids into the car and take Geli and Jeremy to see our Family Dr. later this afternoon. It always feels stressful when I have to take all of the kids somewhere especially when there is a fairly good opportunity to act out or misbehave.

~*~

I’m trying to figure out what we are going to do about Christmas this year. With Jon being laid off from work and the lag in getting his next paycheck, things are tight. I’m trying to figure out what I can make – as in homemade gifts – but there is always this guilt that the kids are going to be disappointed. I know that in the grand scheme of things that life and love and togetherness are the most important, but as parents we want to give our children special things, right? I have been talking with the kids about “giving” as opposed to receiving and I do know that things will work out okay. I just seem to do really well when I have a plan; when I know exactly what I’m going to do or what to expect….I’m still trying to figure things out and to be able to do it without feeling frazzled or stressed.

~*~

I’m really trying to eliminate stressors from my life. I want to be able to enjoy life and to not be stressing about too many things on my plate or about all the things that I could or should be doing. It’s not so easy to find the balance and yet I’m really working on it. I’m trying to live within my capabilities and to be able to really enjoy “living” life and not just existing. I’m trying to be present for my family and with my kids. This is also not as easy as it sounds like it could be and yet…I believe it’s doable. I’m also trying to embrace the season that I’m in.

I’m a mom. I have two little boys. I remember how much work it was when I had three little ones (Geli, Xani and Jeremy) because I’m right back in the thick of those early days. Siah is 4 and Judah is 1 and it’s not an easy phase. What I have going for me is that I know that it won’t last forever and that I want to really enjoy this time with them. It’s tough. It’s exhausting. It’s messy. There is a lot of whining and diaper changing and wiping runny noses and cleaning and tidying and doing the same things (like rescuing a child from on top of the table, building block towers, or reading the same 2 books) over and over and over again. There is little sleep and even less “me” time, and yet, when I look at these little boys….at all of my kids, I’m so thrilled that they are mine and I’m awed with the responsibility of raising them. I believe in them and will try my best to raise them to be amazing men and women. It’s a lot of work, but they are worth every bit of time and energy.

~*~

We had our day at the hospital yesterday and for whatever reason, the Oncology clinic was PACKED with kids and parents. At one point every seat was taken, inside and outside of the clinic and there were a TON of parents and kids standing. This meant that the 1 hour appt took 4 hours. Which SUCKS SO BAD! And, the whole deal with Angelica and the itching that she’s been experiencing…..nothing. They don’t believe that it has anything to do with the chemo or anything Oncology related and so we are just to Monitor it. That’s not so cool as far as I’m concerned. I don’t know what to do exactly and I’m just hoping that things will get better and not worse. I’m hoping that Geli will “test the waters” so to speak, tonight and we will see whether or not things are improving, holding steady or getting worse.

Aside from the itching, Angelica is doing okay. She is on the mend, but it taking longer than is normal or expected…..Normal is really not a good term for it….because really, what is normal?

~*~

I’d love it if you’d check out my shop. There are some great products, in there.

Simple Choices

I think the favorite products right now are tied between:

– the Lotion Bar – EVERYONE who has tried it has RAVED about it.
– the Calm Room Spray – it can be sprayed in kids bedrooms to help settle them down
– the Breathe Cream – to help with congestion, due to coughs and colds
– the Refresh Cream – to help with headaches, digestive issues, sore muscles and for a general “pick-me-up”

And everyone seems to LOVE the lip balms….the peppermint seems to be the winner right now.

~*~

I’m hoping to be able to make a gluten-free Gingerbread house with the kids in the next few weeks. We’ve been talking about making small ones. I hope it works out. You can get the MOST AMAZING gingerbread recipe over at Gluten-Free Girl’s website. I made a batch which makes around 72 cookies and my kids have DEVOURED them. I have less than 2 dozen left….they are just that good.

~*~

Do you have a favorite Christmas Cookie?

I love Whipped Shortbread, and those Gingerbread Cookies up above.

And, the baby just woke up and so I’m done for now…..

Big Day

Today we are headed into BC Children’s Hospital for Angelica’s monthly Chemo appointment.

This is both newsworthy and old news all at the same time.

Angelica will be receiving only one drug injection today. This is her “easy” month. She cycles in 3 month sets. The first two months, she receives an Lumbar Puncture with Chemo into her spinal fluid as well as another drug injected into her blood stream and a oral steroid. On the third month she gets the one drug injected into her blood stream and the steroid, but not the Lumbar Puncture or spinal injected chemo.

All of this is old news to her, and she knows exactly what to expect from today’s appointment.

On the other hand, I have no clue what I am doing.

Jon has done the gross majority of the chemo visits while I stayed home with the babies. Because Jon is working, I am the one who must take Geli in. My sister will be watching my boys and it should be a 3 hour trip – travel time included – from when we leave the house until we get home…..barring any problems or issues.

Angelica has been doing well. She is slowly getting stronger and stronger.

Physically, she has not gotten better as fast as she could, mostly because she has not put the extra effort in that it will require to strengthen her weakened and atrophied muscles.

There has been one weird side effect that we have been struggling with recently and that it intense skin itching…..to the point of pain. After she takes a shower or bath, her arms and legs start to itch and because we don’t know why it’s happening we don’t know how to prevent it. We are going to be talking with the Dr. today about this and hopefully they have some idea….

It’s emotionally brutal because she does not want to bathe or shower and obviously that is not an option…she knows that it’s going to itch to the point of pain and then when it starts to itch, she falls apart. It’s tough because we have no idea why this is happening or how to fix it.

I have read a little bit and and we have been trying a few things and it’s possible that they might be helping. We have noticed some improvement, but we will hopefully know more later.

Pray for us today….I’m feeling nervous. I’m sure that everything will be okay, but right now…..yah, I’m nervous.

Community

I had the opportunity this morning to speak with an amazing group of ladies at a church here in Langley.

This church has supported us in so many incredible ways and I was so thankful for the opportunity to “give back” and to share some of our story and some of my story.

I had 15 minutes to share on community and our walk through life with others.

I used 3 key points that I shared from.

– Shame and Fear will trap us and keep us isolated and feeling alone.
– Vulnerability and Authenticity are the keys to building relationship and community
– Knowing your True Worth is the key to allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of others.

I shared on how in the past, my insecurities (read that as Shame and Fear) kept me from wanting to be in relationship with other people. About 7 years ago, We went to this amazing church out in Abbotsford that challenged that belief that I had about myself. They challenged me to see myself the way that God sees me, to see that I am worth being accepted and loved and supported and encouraged. Slowly I started to believe that I was worth more than I was believing about myself. I wanted to live in relationship and community with people and to not be isolated.

In my own personal journey, I had taken many steps forward away from Shame and Fear and Isolation and then, last June, Angelica was diagnosed with Cancer. My world shrunk down and for a year I was in basically a forced isolation within my house. I realized that I didn’t like the isolation. Somewhere along my journey, I had gotten some emotional healing and grown to the point that I liked being in community and it took a forced isolation to really cement it home in my life that I WANT TO LIVE IN COMMUNITY AND RELATIONSHIP and not in isolation.

During the past year, I realized that I could not handle the pressure and stress of what we were going through alone and after fighting against shame and fear…..I reached outside of myself. I was vulnerable and I asked for help.

The response was incredible and overwhelming.

We received enough help that I felt like I could finally breathe again. It was overwhelming and quite literally a life saver.

Without starting to grasp a hold of the concept that I was worth being accepted and love and supported….if I hadn’t started to realize that I was worthy of all of those things….I would have never been able to ask for help. I would have never been able to open up and say that I was less than perfect. I would never have been able to admit that couldn’t handle it all on my own. But in being vulnerable and open about myself and our situation…..I received even more than I had asked for.

In our society today, we are so busy and there are so many opportunities to hide behind our insecurities and fears and as a result, be, or at the very least “feel” alone. I also believe that we as people are craving opportunities to connect and to live within community.

Being open, transparent, vulnerable allows others into our lives and in turn, we are then a part of their lives…..building community, building relationships. I’ve found that being open encourages others to also be open which sets the stage for deeper and more meaningful relationships. Vulnerability is not always easy, but it is SO WORTH IT!

You are worth being loved.
You are worth being accepted.
You are worth being supported.
You are worth being encouraged.
You have so much value and worth.

It was amazing to actually meet this group of ladies, to see them face to face and to be able to thank them for all their support and love.

I’m not sure, but I think I was within my 15 minute time frame……I hope! The Music Team sang a fabulous song when I was finished talking and the whole morning just came together so well.

I am SO thankful to be apart of this community. The Community of Walnut Grove, the Alex Hope elementary School and North Langley Community Church…..has supported and blessed us so much and cannot thank you enough.

I’m so grateful to be apart of this amazing community!

The Craft/Small Business Fair

Well, I did it and I survived.

Saturday morning, I was up bright and early after about 3 hours of sleep. Geli and I got ready and then took off for the school.

Putting Labels on the Night Before

We got there just after 8:30am and it was scheduled to start at 9:30am.

We found our table and got everything set up.

I was so nervous and ended up texting Jon that I felt like I was going to be sick. I know that it was ridiculous, but…..it is what it is.

The Craft Fair opened its doors and people started to come in.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but people came……some walked by and some stopped and bought and some didn’t……..and it’s all okay!

It was AMAZING to have a few of you come up and introduce yourselves. It was SO nice to put names to faces.

Probably my favorite moments of the day were when I had people come up and mention that they had problems with their skin and then they tried some of the Simple Beauty Products. To have them mention how amazing the products felt or how they didn’t hurt or burn their skin like some other creams and lotions have, and how they noticed that they felt “better” even after just a few minutes……that was my favorite part. It felt wonderful to be able to have these products that could help other people. I know how they have helped in our family; and to be able to share that…….AMAZING!

If you are interested in checking out what products there are, just click here on the link, and it will take you straight there.

Simple Beauty

To all who came by the table this past weekend….

THANK YOU!
I am so thankful for your support and encouragement.
It means so much!

Thanksgiving

So, we are almost at the American Thanksgiving and so I figure that I’m still good to share our family’s Thanksgiving day Celebration.

We arrived home from Angelica’s Wish Trip on Saturday October the 8th. Before we left on the trip, we were throwing around the idea of having my family come over to celebrate Thanksgiving on Monday October the 10th and just a few days before we left, I told my sisters that it wasn’t going to happen.

I had a feeling that we’d be a bit wasted from our trip AND I figured that the “clean up” from the trip would take more than a day. We agreed to celebrate Thanksgiving a week or so later.

I AM SO THANKFUL that I put that off by a week. There is NO WAY that we could have been ready.

Well, I suppose that I could have stayed awake for the next two days and gotten everything done, but I am so Thankful that I didn’t have to. I would have been such a basket case with that extra pressure and stress and UNNECESSARY STRESS is something that I’m trying very hard to avoid in my life right now.

This means that I’m saying no a lot more than usual as I try to balance our lives. I’m thinking twice or three times before I say yes, and trying to live within my abilities and not overstretch myself.

Anyway, I was trying to share our Thanksgiving pictures.

It was such a great day, even if my Mom and Dad couldn’t be there. My Momma was in Romania on a missions trip and my Dad was out in the bush hunting. And so it was the first time “holiday” where it was just us kids and our families.

Even without my parents, it was still such a fun day.

Everybody brought food for the feast and it was all so delicious. I was so busy trying to organize and arrange things that I totally forgot about taking a picture of all of us at the table….oh well!

Everyone pitched into help clean up after dinner and then we relaxed a bit…

Denver looks so thrilled to have his picture taken, no?

There were cuddles with our special Aunty Brynn…she is just so beautiful, isn’t she?

My Love…..

Here Judah thinks he can use two iPhones at once….maybe he wanted to talk to both Nana and Pappa?

The littlest member of our family is getting bigger and he’s just so STINKIN’ CUTE!

Here the boys are just having a friendly competition on Baby Piano! It was AWESOME!

Okay, so that’s probably not what they were doing, but it sounds good, no?

It’s so much fun to have cousins that are your age…it’s like ready made best friends!

It was such a fun day and I can’t wait until we can get together and do it again. I’m so thankful for my family. They are a pretty awesome bunch!

If you’re interested in seeing all the photos from Thanksgiving, click here!

An Invite

I just wanted to let you all know that I’m going to be selling the Simple Choices products at a Craft/Small Business Fair this weekend.

Here is a list of the different products that I have available:

– Diaper Powder
– Cloth Wipe Solution
– Diaper Cream

– Breathe (Eucalyptus) Cream
– Refresh (Peppermint) Cream
– Calm (Lavender) Cream

– Bath Salts
– Body Scrub
– Body Butter
– Lotion Bars
– Lip Balm

– All Purpose Cleaner
– Room Spray

These products are natural alternatives to everyday products that we use. They are non-toxic and work wonderfully.

I use all of these products in our house and on my family and I stand behind them 100%.

Years ago, I started on a journey to a healthier me and I realized that there are so many chemicals and unnecessary ingredients in our food and especially in our beauty products and cleaners. Seeing as our skin is our biggest organ, I wanted to be able to be confident with the product that I use, both on our bodies and in our home.

I began to search out alternatives for the products that I was using and was frustrated to find that the more natural alternatives were SO MUCH MORE expensive. I began looking into the different ingredients and started to make my own products.

It was exciting to be able to create products that were natural and that actually worked.

If you are looking for more natural options for yourself, your family and your home…..I’d love for you to come and see these products. I hope that you will love them as much as I do.

Stop by and see me on

SATURDAY NOVEMBER 19
between
9:30am – 3pm
at
Alex Hope Elementary School
21150 85th Avenue
Langley, BC

I’d love to meet you, and I hope to see you there.

Wrap Up – FINALLY!

I’m finally getting to the last day of our Wish Trip and while I think that no one really cares about our flight home, there were enough things that I want to make note of and remember that even though it was over a month ago, I’m going to go ahead and wrap it all up.

We had to have our luggage out in the hallway on the Friday night by 10pm or else we had to carry it with us and let me tell you, luggage for 7 people….you don’t really want to be carrying that around especially when you have two adults, one weak teenager, one mostly helpful teenager, a curious child with ADHD, a useless but fun loving 4 year old and a 30lb baby! It’s enough work just to get ourselves from point A to point B without thinking about and wrestling luggage as well.

The weather was bad the whole night and the boat shifted and pitched and rocked. While it was the coolest feeling, I was also awake to feel it and the awake part of that equation…not so cool!

On Saturday morning, we had to be down in the restaurant for breakfast by 6:45am. We made it there by 6:50am and so that’s a win in my books!

We were TIRED! See the CRANKY baby! Cranky babies are fun to travel with, NOT!

Jeremy was pretty sad that the cruise was over and he whined and moped his way through breakfast.

After breakfast, we were scheduled to disembark at 8am and so we lined up and eventually got off the boat. We went through the cruise security, picked up our luggage and got onto the bus to head back to the airport. We got to the Airport around 10:30ish, needed to re-pack a few things and then attempted to check in for our flight.

Unfortunately, we were not allowed to check in until 4 hours prior to our flight and so we needed to waste some time. Yup, our flight wasn’t leaving until later that afternoon and WHEE!!!!!! we were hanging out in the Orlando Airport OH THE JOY!

It had been such a good trip and at the same time we were so ready to go home.

We walked around a bit, we hunted down some gluten free food, we looked through the stores, we walked some more….and finally the time was close enough that we could head down to our gate.

I had really been hoping that Judah would stay awake until we got on the plane and then sleep the whole first plane trip but it didn’t work out that way.

Siah was done by about this point and fortunately, the people that were all around us had also been on the cruise, with children, and completely understood Siah’s limp frog routine on the floor….fortunately it was a fairly quiet performance and so we just left him to have at it.

We waited until everyone else had boarded before we got on…I figured it would help (everyone) if we weren’t on the plane for an extra half an hour.

Judah woke up about half an hour after the plane took off but Siah had HAD it and he slept HARD for most of the flight from Orlando to Denver.

We had a two hour layover in Denver and seeing as Jon used to work in the Denver Airport, we went to a little taco stand that he knew of….the food was very yummy and between eating and looking for souvenirs, the time flew by fairly quickly. Pretty soon we were waiting at our gate for the flight to Vancouver…

The flight was just a short flight and there was no movie planned but when the flight attendants heard that Angelica had been on a Wish Trip, they wanted to make this flight home special for her. They showed her the movie listing and got her to choose a movie as the in-flight movie. That was pretty fun. Towards the end of the flight one of the attendants came up and asked if Geli and the kids would like to see the cockpit after the flight landed. Jeremy and Geli were really excited about that and so when we landed and everyone else had left the plane, the pilot brought Jeremy and Angelica into the cockpit…

It was a pretty neat experience…

And a great way to end the trip.

Jon’s parents met us at the airport and drove us and all our luggage home.

We got home, dumped everything inside the front door, threw pajamas on everyone and jumped into bed, so thankful to be sleeping in our own beds.

It was an amazing trip and we were so thankful to have been blessed by the Children’s Wish Foundation. This is and was truly the experience of a life time.

A New Day

Jon started his new job today. He left the house at 7:30 this morning because he has no idea how long it’s going to take him to get there in rush hour traffic and he has to be there at 9am.

This is a HUGE change for us and while a part of me thinks that I’m a lot more ready for something like this to happen in our family (as opposed to a year or even 6 months ago), there another part of me that has no idea how this is going to work.

Obviously we will do what we have to do in order to make it through, but this is the first time in a very long time (approximately 8 years) that Jon will be rocking the “daily grind”,3 outside of the house, on a Monday to Friday, 9-5 kinda deal with an hour of commuting on either side of the day.

This past year has really taken a toll of me and while I used to believe that I could do anything and everything….I now feel like I have no choice in the matter and somehow I just have to survive. I often hope that in the very act of “surviving” that I will be able to heal enough to the point where I feel strong again. At the same time, I wonder if that’s even a possibility. You know how if you break your leg and get it set properly, put a cast on it, rest and let it heal; it will heal better and faster (and almost as good as before) than if you just carry on limping and walking on your broken leg, doing what you’ve got to do. Sure it might heal eventually, but it may heal crookedly or you may not get full strength and/or mobility out of it, but the intensity of the pain might not be as severe as it was as first….

I kinda feel like that second scenario is playing out in my life. I feel a bit broken and tired and like there is no option to re-set, rest and heal and I’m just hoping and praying it will all be okay eventually. I DO feel stronger than before, but I’m so acutely aware of my fragility, compared to the strength that I feel I used to have and that’s……well, that’s tough!

I’m sure that the kids and I will fall into a routine of sorts, and I know that families do this all the time, but right now it feels a bit daunting.

I’m so THANKFUL that Jon was able to get work. In faith, I’m confident that it will work out and that we will be okay. According to feelings, I’m not so sure.

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