Category: ME

Seasons (part 2)

In talking about the different seasons that we might be in or going through, I want to be clear…

The season that you are in may or may not be, a very difficult one. I don’t want to discredit that fact that you might be struggling and that it might be tough…..like REALLY TOUGH.

It’s okay to not like where you are at. It’s okay for you to feel that things are difficult and that you’d really rather not be dealing with what you are dealing with.

If you are a mom with young kids…that is a LOT of work! There is a lot required of you. It’s tough. It’s tiring, and in the moment, it can be TOTALLY THANKLESS! You probably won’t “see” the rewards of your hard work right away. You’ll end up doing the same things over and over and over until it makes you feel slightly insane. You may not be able to “do” all the things that others without kids are able to do. You might miss out on certain events or trips or opportunities. You might feel extremely frustrated. It’s okay. You have a tough job. It’s difficult. It’s tiring. It’s overwhelming. It’s not very glamorous. In the thick of it all, it feels like a pretty cruddy job.

If you are working – that can be a lot. Regardless of whether you are working for yourself or for someone else. There is a lot of stress and strain, of trying to meet deadlines and get everything accomplished. You may not feel appreciated. You may feel like what you are doing is pointless. The only thing keeping you there may be the (feeling like never enough) finances that you get as a result of that job. It’s okay. It’s hard work. It’s okay to feel tired and worn out and overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel unappreciated.

You may have a sick child. That’s a tough job. Advocating for your child is a LOT of work. Whether they have mental, emotional, or physical issues. It’s difficult. It’s time consuming. Trying to keep all the facts straight is hard work. Watching your child suffer is brutal. Being “the voice” for them is tough. It’s okay to be upset and angry and to feel overwhelmed.

Maybe you can’t get pregnant. Maybe you have children, but you lost one. Maybe you can no longer have children. Maybe you wish you were married or wish you could get out of a bad situation. Maybe your partner died. Maybe you lost a job or your home or a car or a pet. Maybe a dream has been lost to you. All of those are tough situations. It’s okay to be upset about it. It’s okay to be sad or mad or disappointed or angry.

Your feelings are valid.

It’s okay to embrace how you are feeling. It’s okay to acknowledge that what you are going through sucks and that you wish you didn’t have to go through it. You are allowed to be upset that things didn’t or haven’t turned out the way that you’d hoped or planned for.

We all go through situations that are tough and in talking about them as “Seasons”, my goal is not to downplay the difficulty of where you are at. No, it’s to encourage you that many times in our lives, we will come up against situations that either are, or seem very difficult; or situations that just plain suck. I want to encourage you that even though you may be in a dark place…..morning will come. The dawn will break and things will change.

You may not see how it’s possible. You may not feel like it’s gonna happen anytime soon. You may not know the time frame that things will get better in. You may not see how it’s all going to work out. But…..things will change. Things may get better or they may just change.

The intensity that you are feeling things with….it will change.

Seasons Change. They do………

Just like spring flows into summer and then into autumn and then into winter and back again…..the times in our lives keep changing. We may not have a “date” attached to it, like spring or summer do, but one day you’ll look back and see that things have changed.

In the mean time, while you’re in the thick of “it all”, sometimes, just knowing that you are in a season can help. Knowing that it’s not always going to be exactly like it is now…sometimes, that can help you to see beyond the intensity of where you are currently at. It can help you to be able to breathe and to be able to find the beauty and the “life” in the middle of your chaos. Sometimes just knowing that one day this time will be beyond you, can help to knock the narrow focused lenses of hurt and pain and intensity off your eyes, even for one brief moment. In that moment, maybe you can see that there is light coming down the road…..even if it happens to be a far ways off. Hopefully, that glimpse brings hope!

In the middle of all of my chaos, I want to be able to see the beauty. I want to LIVE, not just exist. In life, I get both the good and the bad. I acknowledge the bad and embrace the good. Yah, it’s true, sometimes the seasons in my life suck. That can be true, but once I’ve acknowledged that…….then where do I go from here?

Hopefully, I take one step forward, which brings me closer to the next season……

Seasons

I’m in a weird season right now, and…it’s okay!

This last 6 months hasn’t looked at all like I thought it would. I’m 6 months into my year of Maternity Leave and I’m pretty sure that my next 6 months aren’t going be what I expected or hoped for, either.

Last Spring/Summer, as I looked forward to Judah being born….I also looked forward to a summer where I could relax (as much as I could with a newborn). I looked forward to my 13 year old being able to help me, and for my 12 year old to be able to distract the 3yr old when necessary. I looked forward to lazy days spent at the pool with my sisters and fun days at the beach. I was desperately looking forward to the fall when the 3 older kids would go back to school and I’d be home alone with my 2 littlest boys. This year was going to be a year where I’d get to invest in friendships. I looked forward to play dates and coffees and walks with strollers…

I was really looking forward to this year “off”.

My reality was Cancer, Hospitals, Stress, Trauma, Solitude, Lack of Time or Energy, the list goes on and on.

My reality was pretty brutal and yet, it’s a season and I am so thankful that seasons change.

This was something that has really hit me over the past few years. When I was a very young mom to 3 very young children, so many of the people I knew, who were my age, didn’t have children, and my perception was that they were doing fun, and exciting things. There were people involved in projects and outreaches and jobs and other worthy and worthwhile endeavors and I…

I was sitting at home alone and miserable. I felt that I was accomplishing nothing. I wiped snotty noses everyday. I wiped bums, everyday. I changed diapers, everyday. I washed dishes, everyday. I put away toys, everyday and I felt like the hugest failure. Everyone out there was “doing something” and I was missing out. I was losing out on so MANY opportunities and I was certain that I was seriously missing out on life. I felt certain that I’d missed my chance to accomplish “my calling”. I thought that I’d lost out on my chance to make a difference in the world or to actually do something exciting and worthwhile.

I’m not saying that Motherhood isn’t worthwhile or that it’s not an amazing opportunity to make a difference in the world. I certainly get to make an awesome impression on my children and that’s HUGE.

But, I was so focused on what I didn’t have that I couldn’t see all that I did have.
Somewhere, somehow, something changed!

Maybe it was losing Nathaniel or maybe it was the 3 years that I had in between losing Nathaniel and having Josiah, but somewhere along the way, my perspective changed. I changed.

I’m in a season and I’m so thankful that season’s change.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that the season that I was in….it only lasts a time. I only have “this chance” to make the most of “this opportunity”. Soon, this opportunity will be gone. I want to “live life”. I want to embrace where I’m at right now. Now, truth be told, I don’t really want to embrace the stage that we’re at. Or maybe I just don’t want to embrace Cancer. I want to embrace Life, though. I want to LIVE in the middle of this stress and chaos. I want to enjoy my husband and my children. I want to make the most of this season that we are in. This season will shape me. It will have influence on who I am and who I become. I want to look back at this time and see the good things. Even in the middle of the garbage, I can choose to find the treasures.

See, I figured that doing the “young kid, snot, poop, mess, meltdown, etc” was horrible and that everyone else had it better than me. I felt like I was missing out on what everyone else was getting to do because I was chained inside my house and tied to these 3 little monkeys. Once I realized that I wanted something so bad (a baby), and I would have given just about anything to have been able to get it…..I started realizing that I had something that other’s would have killed for and I was totally taking it for granted. I was a mom and I know there are women who would have loved to have traded places with me (snot, poop, meltdowns included) and all I could see was the negative aspect of my life and the positive aspect of everyone else’s life.

I slowly came to the realization that “this” is LIFE… Life has both good and bad. I can’t just take one and bypass the other. It’s a package deal.

Whatever season you’re in…If you are feeling like you’ve lost out on some great and amazing things, don’t be discouraged. There are amazing things ahead of you. You will have amazing opportunities. There will be even better opportunities that will come in your life. If you really want to do something….you can work on it, when the timing is right or even just better. Just because you weren’t able to do something right now, does not necessarily mean that you will never get to do it.

This season you are in, it may be a spring. There may be a newness to the season you’re in. There may be a HUGE learning curve, and often when you’re learning new things, it can be challenging. Don’t be discouraged. When the newness gives way to familiarity, there is so much FUN waiting for you. Times to relax and enjoy all the hard work that you put in. Maybe there is some pain and effort involved as the new little buds push through the frozen layer of earth; but the beauty as it all starts to bloom is so worth the effort. Look for the beauty around you and keep going. Keep moving forward. Don’t lose focus of your goal, because you will get there.

Maybe you are in a summer season. Maybe the days are long and hot. Maybe you are getting to relax and enjoy the fruits of your efforts. Maybe there is some tending to the garden of your life so that you can continue to enjoy the fruit of your labour. Keep at it. It may seem tedious, but with a little bit of effort, you will get the enjoy the reward of your effort.

Maybe you are in an autumn season. Maybe things are wrapping up. Maybe there is a sense of things closing up or dying off. Maybe you feel like your time is done and there is a sense of loss or sadness. Maybe you need to prepare for a new season in your life.

Maybe you are in a cold, dark, bleak winter season. Maybe you feel cut off and alone, sitting in the darkness. Maybe you feel that nothing you do flourishes. Maybe you feel the winter is dragging on and on and on and there is no end in sight.

Often the negative overwhelms us and we cannot see beyond our immediate pain, but sometimes, SOMETIMES, if we lift our heads and look beyond our immediate circumstances, we can catch a glimpse of what is in the future. We can catch a glimpse of what may be coming.

Maybe in the middle of the dark, cold days of winter; there is glimpse of the sun. For a few hours, the sun breaks through the darkness and the cold and warms deep into our bones…

It reminds us to carry on.

The seasons will change. Our circumstances will change. What seems overwhelming right now will give way to new challenges and new rewards.

Don’t be discouraged. It won’t stay winter forever. If you can learn to relax and be at peace with where you are at, you will be able to enjoy the new season so much more as it presents it’s challenges and rewards.

I’m looking forward to this season changing, but while it’s here, I want to get everything out of it that I can. I want to learn and grow and develop and change. Some seeds need to experience a deep frost before they can grow and become an amazing source of beauty and blessing. I chose to get all that I can can out of this season, knowing that it’s not forever.

Seasons Change and for that…I’m so thankful!

Already There

Angelica, Have I told you that I love you recently? Have I told you HOW MUCH I love you?

I do. I love you SO SO MUCH.

It’s not necessary for you to shave your head. Not now, not ever. If you don’t want you, you don’t have to.

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There are aspects of this whole situation that suck and the whole “losing your hair” thing is one of those things that just SUCKS! It’s “not” really that big of a deal, but I think that it’s more “what” it represents. There is a starkness and an “in your face” reality of it all. You can’t pretend that this is not happening. You are then faced (literally) on a day to day basis of the harsh reality this whole journey.

I know that I don’t have to shave my hair. I know that you’ve not asked me to do this and yet I want to. I want to be there with you along this road. I can’t be inside of you protecting you from all the chemo and all the side effects. I cannot calm that storms that rage inside your mind and body, but in this way, I can join you. And although you still currently have hair, it’s looking like it might not be there sometime in the future and I want you to know that…..

1. it’s just hair. It’s not what makes us beautiful. We are beautiful regardless and our hair is something fun that we get to play with, like jewelery or make up or clothes. It’s adorns us, it doesn’t define us.

2. Obviously it will grow back….it keeps doing that and every day that we live……brings us one day closer to the day that we can walk away from the uphill stage of this battle.

3. Even if it’s not necessary for you to shave your hair, or if it doesn’t fall out…….I don’t mind. I just want you to know that I’m already down this part of the road and it’s not bad…..maybe a little chilly in the frosty winter chill (HA) ….but it’s okay.

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I know that this part of the whole ordeal is not your favorite, but again….you are weathering this all with so much strength and grace and I’m SO PROUD OF YOU!

You are amazing!
You are gorgeous!
You are so brave!
You are so strong!

I love you!

If you do need to walk on this side of the road….I’m already here and its okay!

An Almost, Not Quite, Sort Of Normal Day

The baby is upstairs sleeping and seeing as he slept for a grand total of 10 minutes this morning as opposed to the hour he has been doing – I’m really REALLY hoping that he sleeps for a while….I’d love 2 hours to make up for the hour that he missed this morning, but even an hour would be AWESOME.

Josiah is quietly watching a movie while he snacks on his lunch.

Geli has actually gone to school. I was really nervous about that this morning, so I’ve done lots of praying for her. Her counts were just above the border of her being allowed to go to school and it’s so important that she believe that she “BELONGS” at school that we told her she needed to go. She is finally feeling better. The effects of the steroid have mostly worn off and aside from being tired because we’ve recently had a few too many late nights in a row…she’s doing pretty good.

My house is tidy and mostly clean, thanks to the help of an AMAZING woman.

I’m eating the MOST delicious oatmeal cookie and needing to write out a list of things that I absolutely MUST get done this week. That sounds all big and important, but really I need to write out a grocery list and a list of things that I can do to clean the house while holding the baby (in the sling)….ya know things like wiping the window sills or washing the windows, folding laundry….just easy stuff!

Okay back to those DELICIOUS cookies that I was talking about.

I had a craving for Oatmeal Cookies a while ago and while most Oats are “contaminated” (I dislike that word, it’s so “evil” sounding) with wheat, you can buy guaranteed gluten-free oats and so I did.

Oatmeal Cookies

I googled Gluten-Free Oatmeal Cookie Recipes and read through many MANY links and decided to go with this recipe. (If you read my last few posts, I google quite a bit, if you haven’t noticed. It’s how I come up with the “base” of most of my recipes and get patterns and most of my other useless information. HA!)

I used the All Purpose Gluten-Free Flour Mix from Gluten-free Girl and the Chef and then I started altering the recipe to suit me and my tastes. I only used 2 cups of old fashioned rolled oats and added in 1 cup of unsweetened coconut to make up the 3 cups. In place of the 1 cup of raisins, I substituted 1/2 a cup of cranberries and 1/2 a cup of these chocolate chips. I used Earth Balance Soy free Spread instead of the butter. I did use an egg because I put cranberries in them and that means and NO CHILD in my house will eat these because they have “raisin type food” in them. It was so very clever of me. I made the MOST DELICIOUS COOKIES and they are mine…..ALL MINE!

If my diet weren’t strict enough, I think that I’ve figured out which foods are bothering Judah and I believe……hopefully…..that he is now, actually, on a forward moving, positive trend. We’ve eliminated Gluten, Dairy and Soy….which basically leaves me with nothing left to eat. Okay, so that’s not true at all, but some days it feels like that and so I’ve consoled myself by having little treats like this around the house. I could totally make these cookies dairy, gluten, soy and egg free just by using Ener-G Egg Replacer, but for this batch, it wasn’t necessary – thanks to those pesky little cranberries. But, it’s worth giving up all those foods for my child’s health and if I’m being completely honest….I feel way better eating like this too. The soy is a bit difficult because I use it as flavor in my cooking and I LOVE miso soup, but I don’t believe that it will be gone forever….just until Judah is a bit healthier and his guts become a bit stronger.

Anyway, I made these one evening after the kids had all gone to bed and as soon as they came out of the oven, I tasted one and YUM!!!!! Then I sat down at the kitchen table and ate WAY TOO MANY. I dunked the warm cookies into a cold glass of Almond Milk! These are amazing and I’d serve these to anyone and they’d have no clue they were so altered.

These are not cookie substitutes….these are cookies…real, honest to goodness, chewy and crispy, delicious cookies.

If you have some food “issues”, these could be your next favorite cookie (if you like oatmeal cookies, that is) and if you don’t like raisins or cranberries…just increase the chocolate chips or the oatmeal or the coconut by half a cup.

Alright, I’m off to make my lists….

My Heart is So Very Full

2010 was a rough year and I think that’s putting it mildly.

We had some amazing ups and some really horrific downs. I could try to just focus on the positive things, but some of those positive things would not have happened without the negative things happening first and so it’s all one giant messy tangle of good and bad.

As I (and we as a family) start off this new year and I look back at all that 2010 was…one thing stands out in my mind.

I’m SO THANKFUL.

We would not be in the position that we are without you. You have made these past 6 months bearable. Were it not for you, I’m not sure what kind of shape I’d be in right now.

I’m starting out the New Year closer to a position of strength than I ever thought possible. What do I mean by that???

Well, I have felt so beaten up and bruised and shattered for most of the past 6 months. I think that the shock of Geli being diagnosed with cancer combined with the birth of Judah and our family being thrown into chaos and separated for so often and so long, combined with the stress of Geli being SO sick, while dealing with all the other kids needs and a newborn, along with a Judah’s digestive issues……well, the stress of everything has seemed so overwhelming and I have been really struggling in the last half of this past year.

Because of Angelica’s health, our family has been quite secluded and there have been times that I’ve “felt” so alone. Most of the time I’ve been way to busy just trying to stay on top of the family and house and I’ve not had time to really feel alone, but there are definitely moments….moments when the walls of my house feel way too close and I desperately need to escape and so I…..run to the grocery store to pick something up. That’s so exciting, isn’t it? I’ve not had the energy to actually “go out” or even to just go and sit at a coffee shop. I’ve been too tired to “do” anything and my 15 minutes of grocery shopping about does me in for the evening. I’ve gone to bed at 8:30-9pm more nights than I’ve been awake past then and while I know that dealing with cancer, a newborn and a family of 7 is a fair amount to accomplish in a day….I still end up going to bed feeling so unproductive and unaccomplished.

And this………this is where you all come in.

It’s been rough and I’ve felt overwhelmed and yet……..there you are.

You have given meals. You’ve sent cards and e-mails and letters. You’ve left messages. You’ve brought groceries. You’ve given gift cards. You’ve helped to clean my house. You’ve taken the kids. You’ve brought food and groceries. You’ve left comments. You’ve given financially. You’ve given gifts to my children. You’ve sent notes and cards and postcards to the children. You’ve lifted our spirits. You’ve helped to carry us along when we were too tired to take another step. You’ve come and taken me grocery shopping when I didn’t think I could go. You came and spent New Years Day with us and made it wonderful and made me cry because I thought we were going to be alone and you made it so special. You’ve taken my kids for sleepovers and out for treats. You’ve co-ordinated help and meals for us. You’ve donated your tips to us. You’ve shaved your hair to raise money for us. You’ve prayed for us. You’ve made birthday’s special. You helped us to have an amazing mini-vacation, one that my kids still talk about (even yesterday it was mentioned). You’ve continued to leave comments just to let us know that you are there and are thinking about us….even if I’ve not posted recently. You’ve folded laundry & washed bathrooms and floors. You’ve kept the church running so that we were free to be with our family. You are amazing. There is so much more I’ve not listed here.

This Christmas we were blown away.

We were overwhelmed with love and support. I’ve said that before, but it was so true. I’m so hesitant to start mentioning names or groups because I know that once I start, for sure I will miss some people out and I don’t believe that any gift is unimportant.

I think that we are like a body. Every single part is important. Even something seemingly insignificant as a fingernail…..is important. You really notice how important your fingernail or toenail is when it’s ripped off, don’t you? I’m not saying that you’re a toenail, but that no part is too small or insignificant. No gift has been too small or insignificant. Every single one of you is so important and you have played out YOUR ROLE in our life exquisitely.

We felt waves and waves and waves of love washing over us this holiday season. We felt completely flooded and even overwhelmed with love and support. I sat on the floor one night and just cried because it was so overwhelming, in a good way. As I sat there, it was like a movie played in my mind and all the good things from this past year scrolled through and I was so grateful.

I’m not alone.

I’M NOT ALONE!

That night, those words rang out over and over and over inside my brain. They started as a whisper and grew louder and louder and louder until it was all I could hear. I’M NOT ALONE. I’m so sorry if I’ve not mentioned it before or if I’ve felt so overwhelmed by the negative things in my life that I just couldn’t see it but I’M NOT ALONE!

You’ve been here with me. You are supporting us. You are loving us. You have been here to help us. You are carrying us. You are amazing and I (and we as a family) are not alone.

My heart is so very, very full. Full of thankfulness, full of love, full of the knowledge that we are not alone.

This is an amazing start to 2011 and I am so thankful that you are here sharing it with me.

May your year be full of love and joy and peace and health, & family and friends.

Christmas is Coming & other updates…

Well, the baby is playing on the floor, the boys are watching Despicable Me; and the girls (and Jon) are in town to get Geli’s third dose of chemo for this round.

We went and got her blood work done yesterday and her numbers are quite low. Not “freaky scary hole up in the house for a week or two” low, but “avoid mostly everyone and stick to just family members” low. We should hit the “wrap her in Purell coated bubble wrap” low by New Years Day; and really, we are praying to avoid any trips to Children’s between today and January 11th…which is the next scheduled chemo dose. If you are the praying type, we’ve love some prayer that she (and we) stay healthy and protected between now and then. We are really looking forward to some nice quiet, calm peaceful days and nights between now and then.

When Angelica went for her 2nd dose of chemo last Thursday her white blood count was on the extreme high end of normal. This was a bit unnerving for us as the last time they were anywhere close to high was when we found out that she had Leukemia, BUT….this time, it was only an indicator that she had a virus and that she was fighting it off. This was FABULOUS news because her body is trying so hard to do what it was created to do and in the middle of all of this assault of her body – that is wonderful.

She successfully fought off that virus (after it tried quite ridiculously hard to kick her butt – she did have a rough couple of days and we weren’t sure if it was the chemo or the virus or both) and only has the slightest bit of a cough right now. The rest of us are steadily taking our vitamins, avoiding the throngs of people out there and trying to do everything that we can to boost our immune systems so that we don’t get anything, and so far it seems to be working.

With everyday that passes uneventfully, I can feel my family starting to breath a bit deeper, starting to relax, starting to act less strung out and this is such a good thing. Josiah is starting to go to bed more calmly (he was screaming hysterically for more than half an hour at bedtime regardless of what we did to encourage, console or help him to sleep) and he’s actually been sleeping through the nights (as opposed to waking every hour or 2). The not sleeping was just making EVERYTHING worse and so to have that not be as HUGE of an issue is so nice.

We are hopefully working through the issues with Judah. <>

We’ve not seen a lot of blood in his poop recently and so we are hoping that things for him are on the upswing. We’ve gone from 15+ bloody diarrhea diapers in a day to about 4 or 5 more normal-ish looking jobs. He’s throwing up WAY less and seems less like he’s in pain and is waking less in the night.

It might take some time for his intestinal tract to heal but I believe that he’s on the mend. I still feel quite a bit of stress about him, but it’s less now that he seems to be getting better as opposed to getting worse.

I feel like we are definitely headed in a more relaxed, peaceful direction, and yet I feel a bit like I’m holding my breath. I would desperately love for things to carry on as they are and for nothing to upset this delicate balance that we’ve got going on. It’s a reality that I have to be prepared for that Angelica could end up in the hospital between now and the New Year. It’s not a certainty, nor is it even “likely” but I cannot ignorantly walk around with my head in the clouds thinking that nothing like that could possibly happen to our family. For who I am, I need to at least be a little bit “prepared” that it might happen and then I can be ever so pleasantly delighted when it does not happen (positive speaking, right?). Having that thought in the back of my head, does bring it’s own level of stress and I hate that. I hate that I feel like an elastic that is wound too tight, but as long as I can hold steady everything is okay. If there is one more twist, then I might snap.

I don’t actually believe that I’ll snap, but to have things go chaotic again seems like it would very much upset this fragile balancing act that I’ve got going on. I do feel a bit more grounded with every day that passes, but I still feel like I’m trying to get back to a position of strength, not like I’m working or operating from that position of strength.

Being that kind of person that I am……it sucks to be in this place.

Other than my stress level – things are carrying on as usual. We are almost ready for Christmas. Siah is SO excited. I forgot how much fun it is to have a 3 year old for Christmas. I think 3 is the perfect age. He can’t wait for Christmas to come and his Holiday Cheer is so infectious.

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We are doing well, over all, and I am so thankful that we are all together as a family this Christmas and that Geli’s prognosis is so good. We are looking forward to 2011 being an amazing year.

The Ups and Downs

It’s been a bit of a rough weekend, which spilled over into the start of a rough week and really – I’m still feeling a bit shaky, but I’m hoping that I can pull it together and climb up and out of the funk that I was/am in.

Judah had a pretty rough weekend health-wise and where he had seemed like he was getting better – he seemed to be even worse and it scared and stressed me out. He was grouchy and upset and wanted to be held. 25lbs of dead weight is a bit much to carry around 18 hours of the day especially when you’re trying to clean and cook and herd children and carry on with the daily grind of it all.

As a result, I was one seriously stressed out ball of massive hurt…..I still hurt. My back, shoulders and neck have not recovered from 2 days of that, and they involuntarily recoil when I reach to take him from Jon or one of the girls. It’s not been fun!

Geli’s been feeling “off”. She has been having some nasty headaches – which I can totally relate too – and her emotions are right on edge. She has one more day “on” the steroid and then a week off followed by one more week on and then we have a 3 month break from the steroids. So far, her sugar levels have been totally perfect and we’re praying that they stay that way.

Between stressing about Judah’s health and Geli’s whole situation, and throwing in me feeling so useless and inadequate……I just had the worst weekend. Any one thing, is way too much stress for us to handle, but everything together is overwhelming. And I hate feeling like I’m not accomplishing things.

I hate that my baby is having stomach problems. By the way, my dr thinks that he picked up a bug and that he is on the upswing, and just ended up with a virus, which only makes things seem worse, when they are in fact, getting better. I should know in a day or two, if this is the case, but the whole situation feels very wearing on me.

And, for whatever reason, he just woke up….and so with that – I’m done for the night.

Feeding on Creativity

That post last night comes pretty close to the worst post I’ve written yet. It’s so disjointed, and really has no point, and look….hey…..cookies.

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My coffee table at this exact moment. What does it say to you about me?

In my defense it was late, I had just made way too many fussy cookies, I was watching a show and chatting with Jon about something or other……all the while dreaming about my bed.

See, I probably should have just gone to bed early again, but I’d been in bed and sleeping the previous 3 nights at 9pm and seeing as we “get things done” after the kids go to bed, I’ve been feeling pretty useless and like I’ve accomplished NOTHING. And so I chose to stay up and “get some things done” and posting was on that list.

But, hey, we’ll just go with the fact that I was able to cross one thing off my list. Sometimes, it can be about quantity and not quality, right?

Even I don’t believe that. I’m much more of a quality over quantity type person, myself…..most of the time.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not in a bad way, more that I’ve got a lot of thoughts inside my head and I’ve not had enough opportunity to get them all out of me.

I love to be creative. I love to make things. I love to find things to make my life and my family’s lives more healthy and more beautiful, and easier and more enjoyable and if I can do so in a simple manner, then I get even more excited. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to find the energy or the time to be creative. Recently, I’ve been feeling antsy to be able to make and create and while I think this is a good thing…….. with the chemotherapy, and 5 kids and the back load of stress, it’s a little frustrating and has me wondering if I’m just trying to “escape” from things.

I think that it’s important to do things that “feed” you and over the past 5 months, there’s not been too much time or energy for that, and so I’m trying to make sure that I allow myself some time for things that “feed” me and at the same time I’m trying to make sure that it doesn’t become all consuming.

So far, I’m able to work on some things and then put them aside when I need to focus on the kids and family and then to be able to pick them up again. I feel…..well, as corny as it sounds, I feel more alive. I’m excited to try to accomplish as many of my daily chores and tasks in a decent amount of time, but then to be able to stop and give myself a few moments to be creative. I’m trying to find the balance in all this chaos. Most of the time, it’s easier said than done.

But, with Christmas coming up and gifts to be given…….I’ve chosen to work on gifts to give and I’m pretty excited about some of the ideas that I’ve come up with. Some are old ideas, and some are new, but I get to be creative and so for me……it’s fun!

I love to be able to see what other people make and do. I love to look things that others make because I am always trying to see if I can come up with ideas that I can tweak to be able to make things. I like to be able to use things that I have or that I can obtain easily, so I’m constantly on the lookout for new ideas that are fairly simple. I like simple. I’m not so big into complicated. But I guess that’s all relative, isn’t it? What might be simple for you might be very difficult for me. We are all so individual and each of us have our own unique giftings and skills. That’s what makes this world an amazing place.

Some of the things I’ve made I can share and some I have to keep a secret, but I’m hoping to share a few of my ideas over the next little while and then maybe you can tweak my ideas and use them to create things of your own to give or to keep.

ps. those jam thumbprint cookies in the photo above – gluten, dairy and egg free. I used this recipe and used Vegan Becel instead of butter and Ener-G Egg Replacer instead of eggs. I also added about 3 more Tablespoons of Rice Flour than they called for as the Vegan Becel makes the dough a little oil-ier than normal cookie dough. Try them, they are amazing. Almost like shortbread.

Can’t Hear the Truth For All the Lies

This is a tough season in our lives and I think that’s putting it mildly.

I don’t understand and I’m not really even trying to understand “why” this happened to us. I’ve found that for me, there is no good that come come from sitting, pondering, feeling sorry for myself and our family and embracing the misery and loneliness of the “why’s”…..to do so only drags me deeper and deeper down into a pit and once in that pit, it’s a thousand times more difficult to get back out of. It’s much easier to claw and scramble and to do everything in my power to stay out of the pit in the first place.

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I don’t feel amazing. I don’t feel like I’m doing very well. I do feel like I’m exhausted. I do feel like I’m walking around with cement boots on. I do feel like I’m processing through mud or honey and sometimes, it all feels completely overwhelming.

It’s a good thing that I not choosing to live my life based on my feelings. I’d be in quite a pickle if I were living solely based on how I feel on a day to day basis. (mind you, this is an everyday moment by moment choosing, not necessarily a blam! – now it’s done and all’s well forever and a day kinda thing)

A friend of mine is going through some “life crap” of her own. Everyone has “stuff” that they are dealing with. Life’s not perfect or easy, is it?

I sent her a message the other day, you know…..to encourage her…… asking her “what the truth for today was?”

As soon as I hit send, it hit me like a blow to the chest…….WHAT WAS MY TRUTH FOR THE DAY?

The truth is….I am strong enough to handle this.

The truth is…..I am capable of putting one foot in front of the other and continuing on each morning.

The truth is…..I not going to die because of an overload of laundry….get it….overload.. Ha Ha (well, I thought it was funny!)

The truth is……I will make it through this. We will make it through this.

The truth is…..I might be tired but I am getting some sleep AND if I really need to, I can call someone to help me.

The truth is……We’ve been so blessed in this whole process.

The truth is……Angelica is doing SO well for someone who is going through what she is going through.

The truth is……The kids are and will be okay and in spite of all of this, they will still be amazing members of society.

The truth is…..the truth is…..the truth is…..

Sometimes I get so bogged down in my feelings and I don’t feel strong enough to look past my feelings to see the truth of my situation.

This is a kinda crappy time – that’s not a lie, but inspite of the crapiness……

The truth is……there is a whole lotta good, a whole lot for us to be thankful for, and we have been so blessed and supported throughout this journey.

We will make it through this time and whatever you might be going through…..you will make it too!