Seasons

I’m in a weird season right now, and…it’s okay!

This last 6 months hasn’t looked at all like I thought it would. I’m 6 months into my year of Maternity Leave and I’m pretty sure that my next 6 months aren’t going be what I expected or hoped for, either.

Last Spring/Summer, as I looked forward to Judah being born….I also looked forward to a summer where I could relax (as much as I could with a newborn). I looked forward to my 13 year old being able to help me, and for my 12 year old to be able to distract the 3yr old when necessary. I looked forward to lazy days spent at the pool with my sisters and fun days at the beach. I was desperately looking forward to the fall when the 3 older kids would go back to school and I’d be home alone with my 2 littlest boys. This year was going to be a year where I’d get to invest in friendships. I looked forward to play dates and coffees and walks with strollers…

I was really looking forward to this year “off”.

My reality was Cancer, Hospitals, Stress, Trauma, Solitude, Lack of Time or Energy, the list goes on and on.

My reality was pretty brutal and yet, it’s a season and I am so thankful that seasons change.

This was something that has really hit me over the past few years. When I was a very young mom to 3 very young children, so many of the people I knew, who were my age, didn’t have children, and my perception was that they were doing fun, and exciting things. There were people involved in projects and outreaches and jobs and other worthy and worthwhile endeavors and I…

I was sitting at home alone and miserable. I felt that I was accomplishing nothing. I wiped snotty noses everyday. I wiped bums, everyday. I changed diapers, everyday. I washed dishes, everyday. I put away toys, everyday and I felt like the hugest failure. Everyone out there was “doing something” and I was missing out. I was losing out on so MANY opportunities and I was certain that I was seriously missing out on life. I felt certain that I’d missed my chance to accomplish “my calling”. I thought that I’d lost out on my chance to make a difference in the world or to actually do something exciting and worthwhile.

I’m not saying that Motherhood isn’t worthwhile or that it’s not an amazing opportunity to make a difference in the world. I certainly get to make an awesome impression on my children and that’s HUGE.

But, I was so focused on what I didn’t have that I couldn’t see all that I did have.
Somewhere, somehow, something changed!

Maybe it was losing Nathaniel or maybe it was the 3 years that I had in between losing Nathaniel and having Josiah, but somewhere along the way, my perspective changed. I changed.

I’m in a season and I’m so thankful that season’s change.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that the season that I was in….it only lasts a time. I only have “this chance” to make the most of “this opportunity”. Soon, this opportunity will be gone. I want to “live life”. I want to embrace where I’m at right now. Now, truth be told, I don’t really want to embrace the stage that we’re at. Or maybe I just don’t want to embrace Cancer. I want to embrace Life, though. I want to LIVE in the middle of this stress and chaos. I want to enjoy my husband and my children. I want to make the most of this season that we are in. This season will shape me. It will have influence on who I am and who I become. I want to look back at this time and see the good things. Even in the middle of the garbage, I can choose to find the treasures.

See, I figured that doing the “young kid, snot, poop, mess, meltdown, etc” was horrible and that everyone else had it better than me. I felt like I was missing out on what everyone else was getting to do because I was chained inside my house and tied to these 3 little monkeys. Once I realized that I wanted something so bad (a baby), and I would have given just about anything to have been able to get it…..I started realizing that I had something that other’s would have killed for and I was totally taking it for granted. I was a mom and I know there are women who would have loved to have traded places with me (snot, poop, meltdowns included) and all I could see was the negative aspect of my life and the positive aspect of everyone else’s life.

I slowly came to the realization that “this” is LIFE… Life has both good and bad. I can’t just take one and bypass the other. It’s a package deal.

Whatever season you’re in…If you are feeling like you’ve lost out on some great and amazing things, don’t be discouraged. There are amazing things ahead of you. You will have amazing opportunities. There will be even better opportunities that will come in your life. If you really want to do something….you can work on it, when the timing is right or even just better. Just because you weren’t able to do something right now, does not necessarily mean that you will never get to do it.

This season you are in, it may be a spring. There may be a newness to the season you’re in. There may be a HUGE learning curve, and often when you’re learning new things, it can be challenging. Don’t be discouraged. When the newness gives way to familiarity, there is so much FUN waiting for you. Times to relax and enjoy all the hard work that you put in. Maybe there is some pain and effort involved as the new little buds push through the frozen layer of earth; but the beauty as it all starts to bloom is so worth the effort. Look for the beauty around you and keep going. Keep moving forward. Don’t lose focus of your goal, because you will get there.

Maybe you are in a summer season. Maybe the days are long and hot. Maybe you are getting to relax and enjoy the fruits of your efforts. Maybe there is some tending to the garden of your life so that you can continue to enjoy the fruit of your labour. Keep at it. It may seem tedious, but with a little bit of effort, you will get the enjoy the reward of your effort.

Maybe you are in an autumn season. Maybe things are wrapping up. Maybe there is a sense of things closing up or dying off. Maybe you feel like your time is done and there is a sense of loss or sadness. Maybe you need to prepare for a new season in your life.

Maybe you are in a cold, dark, bleak winter season. Maybe you feel cut off and alone, sitting in the darkness. Maybe you feel that nothing you do flourishes. Maybe you feel the winter is dragging on and on and on and there is no end in sight.

Often the negative overwhelms us and we cannot see beyond our immediate pain, but sometimes, SOMETIMES, if we lift our heads and look beyond our immediate circumstances, we can catch a glimpse of what is in the future. We can catch a glimpse of what may be coming.

Maybe in the middle of the dark, cold days of winter; there is glimpse of the sun. For a few hours, the sun breaks through the darkness and the cold and warms deep into our bones…

It reminds us to carry on.

The seasons will change. Our circumstances will change. What seems overwhelming right now will give way to new challenges and new rewards.

Don’t be discouraged. It won’t stay winter forever. If you can learn to relax and be at peace with where you are at, you will be able to enjoy the new season so much more as it presents it’s challenges and rewards.

I’m looking forward to this season changing, but while it’s here, I want to get everything out of it that I can. I want to learn and grow and develop and change. Some seeds need to experience a deep frost before they can grow and become an amazing source of beauty and blessing. I chose to get all that I can can out of this season, knowing that it’s not forever.

Seasons Change and for that…I’m so thankful!