ME – Page 17 – xangelle.com

The Going’s On Around Here

I’ve been a bit scarce as of late.

I’ve been running at full tilt just trying to stay and keep on top of things and while it’s kind of working – I’ve had little to no “me” time and so that means no blog posts.

Hiding

I’ve stolen a moment while the baby is sleeping and yet I feel guilty because if I don’t clean, then I’ll be further behind, but…..I’ve not stopped typing, have I?

In my mind, I can see that the end of this whole year of crap may be starting to settle down, coming to a close. I can see that a new chapter is coming soon and so we’ve been taking steps to prepare for that time.

I mentioned a post or two ago that I had gained more weight than I’m comfortable with and so the first thing that I did was to start to count calories AND to only eat whole foods while avoiding dairy, wheat and soy. It’s still going ~~well~~ and as of today I’ve lost 7 pounds. While it’s not difficult, per se, it’s not “fun” and yet, I’m not interested in being uncomfortable and so I carry on.

It’s amazing how much more energy I have when I eat only healthy foods. In some ways, it feels like a light has turned on in an other wise dark place and I can see more of what I need to do and for the most part, I’ve even scraped together the energy to accomplish what is required right now.

Eyelashes

Over the past 9 months things have been quite chaotic and with the amount of stress that we are under, there are some important (to me) things that have slipped or been lost in all the stress and chaos. Kids helping out around the house and being a part of the daily chores and just pitching in……all of those kinds of things have slipped over the past 9 months and while the kids have “had” to step up in some ways, in other ways, it’s all just been too much for them.

I know how strung out I’ve felt and so its been a combination of giving them some leniency and also just not having the energy to “make things happen”…..Regardless, I hoped that if I could just hold on….that maybe we might get to a position where I didn’t feel like I was drowning. We are getting close. In some ways, I feel like I use up all of my reserves by about 3pm and then I’m just existing until the eveing. With each day that passes, I gain another couple of minutes, but it always surprises me how things like grocery shopping or a huge melt down with one of the kids can deplete what energy I have.

This is in sharp contrast to last July right after Geli was diagnosed and Judah was born, when even just sitting on the couch watching my kids felt like too much to deal with.

Brothers

The week before Spring break we decided to switch things up. The kids were fighting and bickering and it was not cool. We took away all of the kids electronic entertainment and banned them from the computers and video games (we don’t have cable). On top of that, we told the kids that there was going to be an afternoon schedule and that there would be a “treat” if the schedule was kept and everything got done.

The schedule looked like this:

3-4pm Homework
4-5pm Play while 1 kid helps to make dinner (take turns helping)
5-5:45pm Dinner Time
5:45-6:15pm “EVERYONE” helps to clean up the kitchen
6:15-6:45pm Get Ready for Bed
6:45pm “Surprise”
8pm Bed Time / Lights out

Aunty Ruth’s Sweater

The kids mostly followed the schedule for the whole week prior to Spring Break and it was awesome. We had a Family Breakfast on Saturday morning and we talked with the kids about how they felt the week went and the response was very positive. The kids ALL mentioned how much nicer the week was because they mostly got everything done and the house was clean and we got to have some family time each night.

This week has not been quite as on schedule because of Spring Break, but we will be right back at it starting on Friday. I always like to get back into the “routine” a few days before school starts up again so that the kids are already “in” their routines and not just forced to get back into the swing of things so abruptly.

I’ve been trying really hard to stay on top of everything and to not let things slip. For the most part it’s working, but I do need to find out how to have some “me” time in the middle of all of this. My milk supply has dropped quite a bit and seeing as we are not even remotely ready to wean, I’m doing all I can to up it again. I made a big batch of Milk Increasing Herbal Tea and have been drinking that and chugging a ton of water on top of that. I’ve also been trying to make myself sit and really rest for a little bit. I’ll admit, that I find that to be a bit more difficult because there is just so much to do, but I’ve already noticed a difference and Judah seems to be a bit happier as well.

Smiles

Geli is heading in for another dose of Chemo on Thursday so we’d love some prayer that she’d handle this next dose well. She has 2 more doses, including this one and then we wait for the next round to start…..Every day, takes us one day closer to the end.

Things have been busy, but we are gaining ground, I think?!? It’s slow going, but we will make it through this.

All About Me

I left Josiah and Judah at home with Jon last Friday and took Angelica out shopping for a birthday present for one of her friends. We went into Michaels and then hit the mall.

It was so bizarre how lost I felt. It’s been over 8 months and I’ve done almost nothing for myself in all of this time. Geli was headed off to some area of the store and her counts are high enough that I didn’t feel like I needed to stress about her and so I just let her go while I browsed through random sections of the store.

I didn’t have anything that I HAD to pick up. I didn’t have anything that I NEEDED to pick up. I didn’t even have anything that I WANTED to pick up. I didn’t have a baby hanging off of me and I wasn’t freaking out that a 3 year old was touching or climbing on or possibly breaking something. I actually texted Jon that I missed him and the boys and that I wished they were with me. I felt so SO lost. I had no idea what to do with myself and it was horrifying, and yet really made me think….

These past 8 months have been tough and there have been times when I honestly wasn’t certain what state I be in, mentally and emotionally, when things started to settle down. I knew that we’d get through it. I didn’t have a choice. We would come through and then what…….

Now we are looking forward to June (when the intensive part of Geli’s treament comes to an end) and we can see that there might be an end to this crazy, CRAZY time. We are not there yet, but as I’ve said before….each passing day brings us one step closer to the end.

Things are not easy and I still feel a bit like I’m hobbling along BUT……I’m starting to think about the future. I’m starting to plan and hope and wish. I’m feeling like I need to start making plans for transitioning from this “high stress time” where I’m just trying to “exist”, to living a more purposeful, planned out life.

Just recently, I’ve attempted to meal plan, again. This was a HUGELY effective tool when I used it before Geli got sick and it saves us SO MUCH TIME and alleviates the whole “What’s for dinner? stress”. I’ve also tried to schedule in Monday’s as a Grocery shopping day, but if things continue to settle down enough that Jon and I get our Monday “day off” then I might bump that to Tuesday to work around “our day”. Planning “one” shopping day has also helped to alleviate some of the stress from continually running out to the store although it TOTALLY threw the kids for a loop that we refused to just go out and get something that they thought they “needed”. They seemed to figure it out fairly quickly though.

I’ve been trying this for a couple of weeks now and on the weeks that I’ve actually made it happen…it works perfectly. When things get stressful and we go into “survival mode” it doesn’t seem to work as well. Even right now, I’m thinking that I should plan a couple of freezer meals which would totally help out when things get stressful…..hmmmm….have to give that a bit more thought.

Another area that I’ve very recently started “working on” is me…..more specifically my health. At this exact moment, I’m tackling my weight. I was 194 pounds before I got pregnant. Not as Light as I’d like to be, but on a 5 foot 10 inch frame….it doesn’t show the same as it might on someone not as tall.

After having Judah, and all the Cancer stress and the month long hospitalization I was actually down to 185 pounds. Over the last 6 months, I’ve hovered around 190-195 pounds and just recently, I managed to hit the 200 pound mark and that’s it! I’ve got to do something. I had planned to just try to get through this first year without worrying too much about my weight, but that was when I was still under 200 pounds…..that whole 200 pound line….that’s my line. And I hit it and sooooo I’m choosing to work on it. I think that “technically” the books/experts/whoever “they” are say that I should be around 170 pounds, but I am really quite happy being 180-185. I haven’t been 170 since before I got married at 19 years old….. And so I’ve chosen to do something…..I’m counting calories and walking. I’d love to hit this hard and be all anal and perfect about it, but I honestly don’t have the energy to do this as intensively as I’d like to and I’m working on being okay with that for right now.

I’m down 5 pounds already and so I carry on. I’m hoping that this summer I will be in better shape than I have been for the rest of this year.

I’ve got a long way to go as far as “working on me’ goes, but I’m trying to take baby steps. I don’t want to get to June and have things slow down and for me to be still functioning in this “survival” mode. Knowing that things should be easing up, I want to be preparing myself so that the transition is not another shock to my system. I’ve had enough shocks for now, eh?

March 6th – A Year Already!

I can”t believe that it’s already March 6th.

Happy Birthday, Jack Man!

My nephew is 1 year old today. How cool is that?

It’s hard to believe that it was a year ago that my sisters and I were pregnant together and we had no idea what was on our horizon.

I had the cousins over to my house the week before last. We had Michelle’s 3 kids and Debbie dropped off Jack and between us all, there were 9 kids in the house….3 under a year. It was wonderful chaos.

Then my sisters left and Jon and I were left alone with ‘ALL THOSE KIDS”.

It’s really not that bad because the older 5 kids are all 10 and older and so it’s not like they require intense supervision….just a holler out here and there. There’s Josiah and the babies to watch and as long as the gate is up….we’re golden. They just crawl around on the main level and play with all the toys. If I occasionally throw them some food bits, then they are more than happy.

I tried to get a picture of the three of the little boys and well……I wasn’t as successful as I had hoped to be.

I think this next one was the best of the bunch and it’s not that great….

Being the oldest and the most responsible, Jack’s just had to do a quick butt check and he was happy to report that all was clear. That smell must have just been some gas or something, but Judah totally blamed it on Zach…

The girls had been helping to distract the babies and then they left…..

Jack crawled off to try to find them and that left the two boys….Zach had a rice cake he was muching on and Judah was quite upset that he didn’t have one. Here he is voicing his disapproval.

Judah: “Hey Zach, You don’t mind if I have some of that cookie, do you?”

Judah: “Look, Just hand it over and no one gets hurt.”

Judah: “Wise Move, Dude! Wise Move.”

Judah: “Man, I love these things”

Zach: “What Just Happened?”
Judah: “Yup, I can still fit an entire half a rice cake in my mouth. I’m so amazing!”

Jack got a little upset at Judah for stealing Zach’s Rice Cake….

But he quickly mellowed out when I told him that I had extra rice cakes for everyone.

Zach was pretty happy about that too.

I tried one more time to get a good group shot….

Judah was pretty happy and Jack seemed either mesmerized or traumatized, but Zach wasn’t exactly happy about that creepy looking Uncle Jon who was trying to get the boys to smile.

Either that or he was just upset that Judah kept crowding in on him…

And then he lost it…..

So I grabbed all three of the boys and we had a quick snuggle.

I sure do love these little boys!

To All Who Stand By Us…….

We are all going through our own things in life. All of us….Angelica, Jon, Me, the kids….my parents, my sisters and brothers…..my extended family and even you. We are all going through things in our lives, some of them difficult, some of them painful, some of them uncomfortable or challenging….we all go through stuff.

While Angelica is weathering her own journey and we are there supporting her, encouraging her, championing her…..it’s her journey. She will continue on, through the good days and the bad days.

She will carry on through the good times, the hard times, the difficult times, the excruciating times and what may seem like the impossible times, but she will carry on….

Sometimes, she may need us to hold her up or even to carry her…..to catch her if she doesn’t feel that she has the strength to go on.

Just like her, we are all going through our own journeys. We have days that seem impossible and yet we know we must carry on and that we will get through this….even if it seems (or worse, if it FEELS) impossible.

I had one of those days yesterday. “Those days” remind me to be compassionate to others who may, themselves, be going through one of those days…..or maybe even a series of those days (or weeks or months)….

Some days are tough. Some days you just don’t feel like you have the strength to go even one more step and yet you must…..and so you do. Your limbs feel like mud. You are so tired and all you feel like doing is crying…..and so you do.

It’s okay. We all go through “those days”. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. We are not alone.

Earlier this week, someone from our community send me this video and I won’t lie, this week has been a rough one for me….and yet the words of this song kept playing on repeat in my head….knowing I’m loved and supported and championed and that I have so many who “stand by me” even when I feel like I’m too tired to go on. Knowing that I have those who will catch me if I stumble or fall….it’s such a huge thing…..Thank you! I pray that each one of you will see and know those who are there for you, in your time of need!

I Won’t Let Go

Itâ€™s like a storm
That cuts a path
Itâ€™s breaks your will
It feels like that

You think your lost
But your not lost
On your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When youâ€™ve done all you can do
If you canâ€™t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know itâ€™s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And weâ€™re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When youâ€™ve done all you can do
And you canâ€™t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Donâ€™t be afraid to fall
Iâ€™m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When youâ€™ve done all you can do
And you canâ€™t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh Iâ€™m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont

Here and There (continued)

Well, I managed to update once yesterday and then it was time for the kids to come home from school and things just went downhill from there.

I forgot to give Jeremy his medicine yesterday and I can’t fathom why his teacher didn’t have him call home. If his behaviour after school was consistent with his behaviour during the day…..all I can say is, “WOW!”

2:59pm Xandra came home from school. My dad dropped her off but Jeremy stayed behind for “Robotics Camp”. Judah was SO excited to see her. He is always so glad to see the kids when they come home.

3:03pm We took this picture to send to Jon, just for Xandra to say, “I love you, Dad!”

3:45pm I find it so hard to believe that we generate THIS MUCH GARBAGE…..I sweep on average, 2-3 times a day and always manage to sweep up a decent mess. Man! Makes we feel like we’re pigs or something……

3:47pm Xandra worked on her homework! She is trying to catch up on a bunch of stuff that she fell behind on over Christmas and in January. She has one more project to hand in and then she’s done…..and then we’ll all breathe a sigh of relief. I’m sick of ragging on her to do her homework!

4:08pm I left Xandra and the computer to babysit and ran up to the school to pick Jeremy up from Robot Camp…..Josiah has watched more movies in the past 7 months than he has in his entire life. At this point, I’m just trying to survive….

4:12pm I had exactly 2 minutes of complete silence before I went in to pick up Jeremy!

4:16pm My Sweet Boy – He LOVES the Robotics Camp and we are so glad that he has found a hobby that he excels at.

4:24pm I managed to throw through a couple of loads of laundry today. Didn’t get them put away, but washed, dried and folded is at least 3/4 of the way through the process…

4:27pm On the other side of the world……here is the wall that is directly across from Geli’s bed…It’s all of us who can’t be with her….cheering her on, if only in picture! You’re never alone, Geli! Never alone!

4:28pm An amazing guy we know dropped off this mini fridge so that Jon and Geli could put decent food in it. The main fridge in the kitchen is always crowded and overflowing and so this is a HUGE blessing! Thanks, Reg! You Rock!

4:48pm Jon sent this picture through of Geli’s room all decorated for Valentines Day! I believe that she and her cousins made these???? Pretty, eh?

5:14pm What is it with 5 o’clock, anyway??? This was the start of many, MANY meltdowns in our family last night.

5:18pm Meanwhile, Jon and geli decided to go for a walk. They went to the Safeway just down the block from BC Children’s Hospital and also to the Dollar Store where they found this sweet pink hat with flames and the name “Angel” on it. They also picked up some socks! You never seen to have enough of something when you are at the hospital…sometimes its underwear, sometimes socks or shirts….something always gets missed in the packing. Unfortunately, we live too far away to just pop over to drop something off and usually they have to determine whether they can wait until we come in next or just go ahead and pick something up.

5:31pm We had soup for dinner, AGAIN! I’m trying to figure out how I can convince the kids to have it one more night. Maybe we’ll do cereal to shake things up a little. We’re living large over here, I tell ya….LIVING LARGE!

5:48pm While we finished up dinner, Jon and Geli walked “home” in the beautiful Vancouver dusk.

6:05pm We had some ice cream for dessert. These are little gluten free Oatmeal cookies with Chocolate Coconut Ice Cream in the middle for a delicious Ice Cream Sandwich!

6:15pm And I’m counting down the minutes until I can put the kids to bed. Don’t want it to be too early because then they get up too early and so I need something to waste some time…..

6:43pm A bath usually takes up a good chunk of time and it’s hard to be miserable when you’re in the bath.

6:44pm Siah’s faces are priceless!

6:56pm Jon and Geli made spaghetti dinner and said it was delicious…they even had seconds!

At this point, I was trying to get boys into bed and things were a little intense. By 8 o’clock, Siah was asleep, Jeremy had woken up Judah, Judah was crying, Jeremy was crying and then I started crying. Between Judah feeling sick with this plague that has swept through our family and cutting teeth, I’ve had less then 4 hours of sleep a night for the last week and those 4 hours……have been in less than 1 hour chunks. Apparently, I can sort of hold myself together for a week with next to no sleep and then…….and then I cannot hold myself together any more.

The house was a complete mess, the cleaners were coming the next day and nothing was picked up for them, the baby was still awake, Jeremy was crying himself to sleep and I was crying and messaging with Jon on my phone.

8:13pm It was a pretty sad moment. I sat on the edge of my bed and rocked and rocked and rocked this little one while messaging with Jon and my momma.

8:27pm And then he slept and then I crawled into bed and began what was to be another LOOOOOOONNGGGG night!

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with our family doctor to get Judah checked out. Xandra, Josiah, and my Momma are starting to do better after a week of whatever this plague is and I’m pretty sure that Judah will be okay as well, but he is wheezing quite a bit and while that’s probably just because his airways are so much smaller, I want to have him checked out before the weekend.

Yo Help a Girl Out!

My Kitchen is in horrific need of a cleaning and it appears that I am the only one capable of getting that job done right now.

But, Here is where you could help me out…..

What are your favorite TV series? I’m looking for some new (to me) ones to check out….and please don’t say Jersey Shore – you can just keep that your little secret.

Are you local (to me) and do you have an amazing dentist? We need someone and I don’t know where to start looking?

What are your plans for Valentine’s Day? It’s not just for lovers, but for kids or friends or family…..it’s a day to show love! In my mind anyway!!!

Alrighty, hit me with your thoughts and I’ll catch you later…..

There is Too Much

Let me ‘splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up….
Inigo Montoya
The Princess Bride (1987)

Alright, so I’m gonna do my best to try to explain and update.

First, we don’t have a lot of new news……and that sucks.

We do know that Angelica’s blood cultures grew some gram-negative bacteria…….and this is bad, like very bad!

If you click on that link above and scroll down, it lists off some of the nasty bacteria that are gram negative….things like e-coli and salmonella, shigella, and legionella……nasty, nasty, NASTY!

To inject a little bit of humor, into this horrid situation, earlier this morning, we had a doctor wish for her to have e-coli!

Not that he wants her to have e-coli, but it’s possible that if it is, in fact, e-coli then it would only be a 10 day run on antibiotics as opposed to a 14 run on antibiotics. While those extra 4 days don’t seem like they should be a big deal, when you are parenting 4 stressed out, overly emotional children from ages 12-7 months, and trying to “do it all” every “second” counts….forget talking about days!

My sister and Jack, drove Judah and myself into the hospital today to pick up the van, so that the kids and I would have a vehicle for the next couple of weeks. This was such a blessing as I wasn’t sure how we were going to get it.

It was hard to go in and see Jon and Geli and know that I needed to leave in less than an hour to be home to pick up the big kids after school and yet it is so wonderful to see her not feeling so sick. When we showed up, Angelica and Jon were in the kitchen making baked potatoes for lunch and setting up for a rockin’ game of Monopoly.

She is looking and feeling a lot better. That part is equally frustrating and wonderful. On one side of things, she did not get seriously ill and so she’s not holed up in her bed, crying and not eating and barfing, but on the other side, she feels pretty well and is just killing time in the hospital “waiting” until she can come home again. The fact that she’s not REALLY sick is great, but she still has to be in there and that REALLY sucks!

I’m…….well, I’m doing okay! Honestly, I’m upset. I’m really upset. This is a very difficult thing to go through. Having your child diagnosed with cancer is hard. Helplessly watching your child go through chemotherapy is hard. Watching your child get sick and having to go to the hospital, away from you, to get better and knowing that she doesn’t want to be there, away from you, and the rest of the family and her own familiar house, is hard. Dealing with your own emotions about it all is hard. Feeling unable to help the siblings work through their own emotional upheaval is hard. Solo parenting is hard. Being without your spouse, for weeks, is hard. This is all just hard!

On top of it all, Josiah is sick. He started to look and act sick on Wednesday afternoon and on Wednesday evening, after Jon and Geli went to the hospital, my mom took Siah to her house. He’s had a fever, and a cough and a runny nose and was vomiting last night. I don’t know what to do because I’m his mom and I want to be with him, comforting him and yet……to have all of my kids sick over the next few weeks…..well, the thought of having to deal with 4 sick kids and not getting to go in and see either Jon or Geli is overwhelming. The thought of being up with him in the night and then up with Judah in the night, on top of how tired I already feel….. Just the thought of all of that, is enough to bring me to tears. And so right now, he’s with my momma…..how I love her!

And having said all of that, I’m doing okay! I am doing okay and I am not doing okay! It’s all wrapped up together, much like life.

I had a bit of a cry yesterday when we got the news of the infection and after they got home from school, I told Xandra and Jeremy. Last night, they each took turns having their own melt down. It was not a happy day in our house last night. I wish I could play you all the message that Jeremy left hysterically sobbing and screaming into Jon’s voicemail as he was trying to get a hold of him before going to bed. Its so SO sad and upsetting and yet so theatrically dramatic that if it weren’t for real, it would have been funny!

It was so nice to have had a sort of “calm period” over December/January, but dealing with this I can see just how fragile we all are over here. There is some strength that we have in reserve, but it feels more like we found a way to strategically hold all the cracked pieces of our egg shell (life, emotions, etc) all together. This most recent blow…..this time that our family is separated, yet again because of this stupid, STUPID cancer, has left us with a pile of broken egg shells that we are staring at and needing to once again piece together. It might be “easier” because we’ve done it before, but it’s not EASY!

None of this is easy and yet, we carry on because we must.

Angelica will be okay. Jon and I will be okay. The kids will be okay. We will be okay, but this is hard!

I can’t wait for this to be over!

ps. I called yesterday and made my appointment to give blood. Have you considered giving?

Just Holding On

If you’re thinking about us and able to pray for something specific…..

Jon and I tired!

We are feeling the effects of the last 7 months of stress and we’re exhausted!

I’m not feeling depressed and/or sad, just unbelievable tired and really worn down. In some ways we are looking forward, excitedly, to moving on to the final maintenance stage. There are 7 stages of this Leukemia Treatment. We’ve completed 3 and are 1 week away from completing the 4th stage. There are 2 more “active” or “intensive” stages and then we enter the maintenance stage which will last until the end of September 2012. But basically, Angelica should be finished the end of stage 6 somewhere around the end of May/beginning of June. It’s getting closer. We can see it. We can see that there is light at the end of this tunnel. We are excited about this. We are looking forward to what amazing adventures this summer will bring for our family after a year of intensive chemotherapy. Looking forward, we are so excited.

And yet, physically, we are exhausted!

Our bodies are so tired. We have been going so fast, so hard, for so long and we are finding that the pace and stress are taking their toll.

I’m finding that mentally, I’m not as sharp and “on the ball” as I was and I totally believe that it’s the fatigue affecting me. It’s affecting my ability to plan and organize and remember and keep on top of things. With 7 people in our family, chemotherapy, schedules, doctor’s appointments, school events and homework, counseling appointments, family organization, etc…..I’m finding that things that would have been a snap for me to do, co-ordinate and remember…..well, I’m dropping the balls on lot of things and this only adds to the chaos. In the long run, this ends up placing more demands on our time and energy and that’s not cool. Physically, I’m in constant pain. I’ve hurt my arm and shoulder carrying our sweet (but very heavy) baby while still trying to accomplish everything that needs to be accomplished. The constant pain is wearing and yet…..things still need to get done. I’m trying to walk the line between actually “damaging” my arm and waiting and hoping that things ease up over here.

Jon and I are lonely for and missing each other. Our “time together” and “relationship” are another thing that has received a blow from this whole situation. We are doing okay. Don’t get me wrong. Our marriage is not “on the rocks”, we are just missing each other terribly. I would say that instead of “growing” closer together right now, we are just “holding” and sometimes……just holding steady is okay.

We know that we have the rest of our lives to make up for this time, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are missing each other right now. One of the hard things about right now, is that when we do have the rare opportunity to “be away from it all” and to just “be together”….the thought of organizing and planning an evening requires more effort than just keeping on, keeping on. Often, its more difficult to have to arrange someone to watch the kids and to try to figure out where we can park our tired selves for a few hours….and at this point, we are so tired that we can hardly form coherent sentences, let alone carry on relationship building conversation and so we end up frustrated and still tired.

I keep telling myself that this is only a season. I know this. I know that this time will pass and we will not always be in this position, but that doesn’t change how tired I feel “right now“….or how difficult all of this is.

This is a difficult time and we are trying desperately to just hold on.

So, if you’re thinking about us and able to pray for something specific…..

We’re tired and need to be able to hold on for just a little bit longer.

Thank you!

What a Blur

This week has just flown past.

Not in a good, awesome, I wish it would have slowed down so we could have enjoyed all the wonderful goodness that we could possibly get, but more like a….I’m so tired because no one in this house is sleeping and the days have now run into one ginormous blur and I just want to be a bear so that I could hibernate for an entire winter.

Eating and sleeping….that sounds about perfect to me, right about now.

Jon and Geli have gone into the hospital to check her levels as we suspect that she may need either red blood or platelets….or both.

So Today could be a LOOOOONG boring day for them, but if she does get blood and/or platelets, it might help her to feel better. She’s been feeling really off and I believe it has to do with the Ara-C. I am SO incredibly thankful that she only gets 2 weeks of that drug as opposed to the 4 weeks of it, last time around. I don’t know how she would do if she had to take another 2 weeks of it. It’s a pretty hard core, nasty drug. We believe that she’s hit the bottom of the valley and it headed back up the mountain – figuratively speaking, but she’s still feeling like she’s stuck somewhere in a foggy, dark valley and it’s hard when you can’t see the light or the top side of the mountain….if ya know what I’m saying.

Basically, she’s tired. This is a HUGE and LONG fight and she’s very tired.

Judah’s been acting like….like…..well, like a baby and waking every couple of hours in the night. I’m waking for him to cycle back out of this nasty stage and back into the “only waking once a night” stage. This current stage sucks and I much prefer to get “actual” sleep.

Do you know how fast a family of 7 can take a house from clean to “not very tidy”? It’s pretty much instant! Boooo – and that is why I HATE cleaning!

I’d really like some chocolate or a cookie or something else that I probably shouldn’t have……You know, something with gluten or dairy and sugar.

And, that’s all the time I have for today as the baby just woke up from his incredibly short nap……..SUCKS!

Oh well, I’ll try to find some rest and joy and I’ll meet ya back here later.

NO MORE

Fear is a horrible, terrible thing.

Iâ€™ve been battling fear for as long as I can remember and I’m sure from even before I can remember. I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling like Iâ€™m being choked. I hate feeling like I canâ€™t breathe or think or reason. I hate fear.

For a long time, living with fear was just my normal.

I was terrified of everything and everyone. Iâ€™m not even kidding or joking when I say that. I was scared that Iâ€™d do something wrong and that Iâ€™d would then get in trouble. I was scared someone was going to be disappointed in me. I was scared that Iâ€™d make a wrong choice – and so I would make none. I was scared that I wouldnâ€™t get good enough grades. I was scared that no one would like me. I was scared that someone would think poorly of me. I was scared to ask for help or directions orâ€¦..well, just anything. I was scared that people wouldnâ€™t like me if they knew who I really was. I was scared that theyâ€™d reject me. I was scared to even â€œtryâ€ to do things that I was interested in for fear of failure.

I was terrifiedâ€¦â€¦and it sucked.

A few years ago, I went through quite a bit of counseling and I dealt with some of my issues regarding and related to fear. Iâ€™d had enough. It felt like fear owned me. I couldnâ€™t do anything. I couldnâ€™t live. I wasnâ€™t living. I was simply existing and even then, Iâ€™m not really sure that â€œexistingâ€ is even a good enough description of how bad things were.

Now, for those people who knew me back then (Iâ€™m talking from 1985 – 2005), Iâ€™m not sure if you knew all of this about me. Did I do a good job of hiding this? I got told that I came across a stand-offish or as a snob and that was never my intent. I was only trying to protect myself from what I was sure was a world of hurt and pain. My perception of life was so off, and it took getting some help for me to even realize just how bad things were.

Itâ€™s like I was on a road traveling through life, only I had bags and bags and bags of garbage tied to me. The bags were so unbelievably heavy that it took every ounce of energy that I had to even stay upright, and forward movement was almost impossible. I cry a little inside when I think of all I could have done as a teenager and young adult were I not so scared and insecure. Donâ€™t get me wrong, I love being a wife and mom and I would not give up this life that I have, to go back for another try, but there were things that I could have done differently or heck just DONE, were I not so scared. Chances that I could have takenâ€¦â€¦

I felt like this for a far back as I can remember. I didnâ€™t realize that I had the power/strength/ability to make my life different and it took a long time for me to come to the realization that what I was dealing with wasn’t “okay” and that I didn’t have to stay like this. I knew that others seemed to be living so much more free-er than me, but I just figured that they were better or had it more together or……were way better at faking it than I was. I didnâ€™t know what it was like to live free from fear. it wasn’t until things go SO difficult and SO uncomfortable for me that I realized that I needed some help and…it wasnâ€™t until I got some help that I was able to see just how captive I was to fear.

Living life out from under the heavy, overwhelming burden of fear was amazing. It wasnâ€™t perfect, but lets say that if I had been weighed down by 50 bags of garbage, maybe I got rid of 35-40 of them. Can you even imagine the difference that would make?

I could breathe. I could walk. Heck, I could run and skip and sing! It was like the storm cloud that Iâ€™d been living under parted and the sun was shining and the birds were singing and my world seemed so new and exciting.

Living life became fun and amazing. There were still things that I struggled with but I could see how bad it had been and how far Iâ€™d come and I was determined to figure out a way to get rid of even more baggage and to carry forward in my life without being weighed down and held back by fear. And I was doing just that………..slowly and steadily, I was moving forward towards a life of greater freedom and confidence……

The last 6 months have been hard.

I feel scared.

I hate that Iâ€™m scared. I cringe every time the phone rings. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that itâ€™s going to be bad news. I donâ€™t want to talk to people because Iâ€™m scared that they are going to judge me, or that they might ask me a question that I donâ€™t have an answer to. Typing that out it seems so stupid. Iâ€™m aware of how stupid it sounds and Iâ€™m not saying that what Iâ€™m dealing with is rational. Iâ€™m completely aware of how irrational this all is. Iâ€™m scared of something bad happening to my kids. Every fever, every headache, the fact that no one is sleeping well – it all weighs on me so heavy, itâ€™s almost crushingâ€¦â€¦years ago, every issue that came up, Iâ€™d immediately go into â€œworse case scenarioâ€ mode and recently, those thoughts have all been back. Every little toy or piece of food on the floor is seen as a choking or health hazard for Judahâ€¦

I hate waking up to a horrific dream regarding something bad happening to my kids or family. I hate waking up in a panic wondering if the kids are alive. I hate feeling like Iâ€™m being judged about how clean my house is or isnâ€™t; or how much homework my kids do; or how well my kids behave; or how well Iâ€™m coping or not copingâ€¦â€¦

I hate it.

I hate feeling like this. I recognize this from before. I recognize the feelings, the fear, the insecurity.

No one has said any of this to me. No one is judging me. There is nothing wrong with the kids. This is the fear weighing me down and holding me backâ€¦..

I donâ€™t want to â€œexistâ€ like this. This is not living. Iâ€™m aware that there is a part of right now that we are â€œsurvivingâ€ through, but for the most part of my lifeâ€¦.I want to LIVE. I want to live free from fear and insecurity.

Itâ€™s time to get rid of some of this garbage thatâ€™s weighing me down. Iâ€™ve done it before and I can do it again. I’m strong enough. I’m brave enough. I have the courage to face this head on and to not let it weigh me down. I’m reclaiming my life back. I may have been dealt a hard blow and fear may have tried to dump all that garbage back on top of me, but I won’t stay down. I’m not tied to the garbage anymore, and it’s not tied to me.

One thing that I’m excited about…..I know how to walk down this road. You know how when you gone somewhere once before, that you have an idea of how to get back there. The first time you go down a road to a destination…you are hesitant and cautious, but once you’ve been there, you have more confidence…. You feel like you can navigate through the roads and you recognize the landmarks and you can get to your destination that much quicker….ya, that! That’s where I’m at…..

Iâ€™ll admit that there is a part of me that feels scaredâ€¦..and thatâ€™s just fearâ€¦holding me back, and Iâ€™m not going to let it win.

Hebrews 13:6