That moment when a person in the water is struggling with all their might. Gasping for air. Popping above the water just long enough to gulp a quick breath. It’s not quite enough to refresh or revive but it’s just enough to prolong the inevitable. Your adrenaline kicks in and even though you’re exhausted, you still thrash around wasting precious energy, air, resources……
That’s a bit how I feel.
I’d say it’s been quite a week. But on further reflection, it’s been quite a month, and a hell of a year and quite honestly, it’s been a decade of chaos and loss and trauma.
There’s something about the idea of surrender. Something still and quiet and peaceful. In some ways, it feels like failure or giving up. And I guess it truly is “giving up”. Giving up on the assumption that I can “do” all of this. Giving up the arrogance that says I’m super human and can do the impossible. Giving up on the idea that I’m in control.
Often we think that “drowning + surrender = death” but maybe we are focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe “drowning + surrender = truly living”.
Maybe it’s the weight that we need to surrender.
Maybe it’s the chaos that we need to surrender.
Maybe it’s the control that we need to surrender.
And maybe…in the surrender, we will be able to truly live, unencumbered by weight that drags us down, tires us out and distracts us from what we really want to do.
It’s probably a good thing that I have a counselling appointment tomorrow, eh?
Today has been a really tough day for me. I can’t even tell you exactly why. Aside from the typical, special needs parent/business owner stress; I’ve done “okay” so far during the pandemic. But today I felt sad and discouraged and the tears fell easily. You know what…..that’s okay. It’s okay to feel, to process, to wallow, to acknowledge, to accept these feelings. They are feelings. They don’t make me good or bad. They don’t define me. They just are. They are MY FEELINGS. So……I didn’t do everything I had hoped or planned but I sat. I acknowledged the intensity of this year and the challenges. I was gentle with myself. And tonight I will go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day. #sadlight #allthefeelings #sadness #acceptance #understanding #compassion #covid19 #newdays Posted by Intagrate Lite
As my 13 year old transforms from a child to a young man, there are bits and pieces that remain the same….the pieces of hair that swirl and curl will forever remind me of the moments when he was a baby and I’d cradle him in my arms. #siahchristopher #growingup #holdlingon Posted by Intagrate Lite
In a effort to avoid the chaos of Halloween in our neighbourhood, we took the littles – they’re not so little anymore – and spent a night at the Hampton Inn in Langley. It was a fabulous little getaway and we’ll be returning, for sure. #minivacay #staycation #hamptoninn #halloween Posted by Intagrate Lite
I love being able to go to my backyard and harvest food to eat. I didn’t plant nearly as much as I typically do but I still reap a harvest, feed my family and enjoy feeling the dirt and life beneath my fingers. #urbangardener #backyardbounty #langleybc #foodtotable #greenbeans #tomatoes #carrots Posted by Intagrate Lite
Masks for my boys. I love being able to make and sew for my family. It makes feel all “Little House on the Prairie” with a side of super hero! #masks #sewing #usefulskills #xangelle #adjustableearstraps Posted by Intagrate Lite
How darling is this little pumpkin? It’s a scrap yarn project that I whipped up over the past couple of nights while watching a show. Now to find a sweet place to put it! #scrapyarnproject #crochetpumpkin #tinypumpkin #ilovefall Posted by Intagrate Lite