Extra tired physically and mentally but not depressed, I don’t think. Feeling like I’m doing too much and not enough, at the same time. It’s so frustrating.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’ve been so used to living in the chaos of trauma (The last 20 years have been a party of the worst kind. It’s feels insane to even write that down. 20 years!) that I don’t even know what it’s like to exist with less stress and trauma.
I got up this morning feeling much the same and I looked out my bathroom window and muttered to myself, “Seasons Change. I won’t feel like this forever.”
It’s something my mom told me years ago when I was complaining to her about how hard life as a young mom felt. She said, “Even when it feels like the longest, darkest, never ending winter – know that spring’s coming. And if you get stuck in the rainiest, most miserable springtime, know that warm summer days are coming. And if you feel stuck in the driest, drought of summer know that cool autumn days are coming next.”
There have been times when I’ve felt trapped in the darkest winter season I could imagine; and it seemed unending but I trusted and held onto the hope that my Spring was coming and things in my life would come back to life.
No matter what season you feel you’re in; know without a shadow of a doubt that Seasons Change. Try and find some beauty in the season you’re in, even if it’s appreciating the dark quiet of hibernation and rest before you rise out of the darkness into something new.
Genesis 8:22 TPT – 22 “As long as earth exists there will always be seasons of planting and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night.”
Have you ever felt like God couldn’t possibly understand what you are going through? I know that I have.
I’ve even said, “But God, you never went through “this”. “This” is huge and awful. How could you possibly know what this feels like?
I remember saying that to God years ago, when I felt so betrayed by some people. And He said to me, “I, too, have been betrayed. I know exactly what that feels like and it’s hard and devestating. Especially when it’s people you think you can trust and who claim to love you.”
I remember when Nathaniel died and I wanted to scream “..but you never had a son who died…” oh wait…
I remember crying out to Him, in pain and confusion, “God, I hurt so bad. It hurts to breathe, to move. I feel like I’m dying. When have you ever felt like this?”
Ya, I don’t know that I’m the most reverent when I talk to God but He loves me even when – and maybe especially when – I’m feeling raw and broken.
It was a few days later that I came across this verse and it hit me straight to my heart.
Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane. And He knew. He knew he was about to be betrayed. He knew that He was giving His life for ones who both did and didn’t believe. He knew the agony that was coming. He knew. He wished he didn’t have to go through it all but was willing to because of love.
He said to His friends,
Matthew 26:38 TPT
“My heart is overwhelmed and crushed with grief. It feels as though I’m dying. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
He knows. He really does know. And because He KNOWS – You can trust that He is with you, staying and keeping watch with you. You are never alone.
Psalm 23:4 NKJV – Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil; For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
I love that David is speaking out the truth over himself and his situation. In the first three verses, He speaks declaratively. I am cared for. I have everything that I need. I have safe places to rest and be renewed.
Have you ever done that? Especially when you are feeling exactly the opposite of what you are saying? I most definitely have.
When my feelings don’t line up with the truth in God’s word, you better believe that I speak His truth over my life.
In verse 4, David starts out by acknowledging the reality of his situation. It make look dire. You may be facing a difficult situation that feels like the end. You may see no positive ending in your future. I can imagine David, hiding in a cave believing that he would be captured and killed at any moment; or heading out to face Goliath the giant. In the natural, death was pretty likely in both those scenarios. David faced a lot of pretty discouraging and dangerous situations in his lifetime It would have been so easy to wallow. It would have been so easy to get stuck focusing on the reality of right now BUT….
David chose to believe that whqt God said was true and that He was going to believe His promises regardless of how awful the situation looked.
Have you walked through valleys in your life where it seemed like the end? Where the darkness of death hung over you. Maybe you’ve run out of money and can’t buy groceries or pay rent or bills? Maybe you are facing layoffs at work? Maybe you have a strained relationship that feels doomed? Maybe you are actually facing a life threatening illness? There are so many dark valleys that we face in our lives.
We get to choose how we act and react in every situation.
David speaks up again and says, “I will not fear.”
I think that all too often our first “ human” reaction is one of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of lack. Fear of loss. Fear of death. Fear of feeling out of control. Fear can easily and quickly overwhelm us, making it impossible to even be able to think straight. Fear seems inevitable but God…
David says, “I will not fear because You (God) are with me.”
God is with us. The creator of heaven and earth is on our side. He loves us. He is our Protector. He is our Provider. He is our Defender. He is our Healer. He is our Strength. He has promised to never leave or abandon us. If we truly grasp the enormity of what this means and how great His love is for us, then we too can walk through life without fear.
The verse ends with Your rod and staff they comfort me. These were tools the Shepherd used to do his job. They indicated his authority as the Shepherd. It was his job to care for to protect, to guide, to comfort, to feed, to defend, to lead the sheep in his care. He used these tools to do exactly that.David knew all about caring for sheep. That was his job. It was his responsibility to care and protect for the sheep. The sheep trusted their shepherd. They knew the Shepherd’s voice and would go where He led because they trusted him. They felt safe and cared for. They knew that the Shepherd was reliable and dependable and loving and caring.
We can go through terrible, difficult times that feel like the the end of the world and trust that our Shepherd is always there for us, leading us and guiding us; and taking care of us.
It’s possible that there were times that David’s sheep had to walk through a treacherous pathway to get to a glorious meadow where they could rest and feed and care for their young. They may have needed to trust that even though it looked pretty dicy that the Shepherd knew what he was doing and that blessing and peace and rest was on the other side. If they would just trust and follow His voice, they would wind up in an incredible place.
Will we choose to trust that our Shepherd has our best interests at heart and follow where he leads no matter how dark it seems?
If we do, then we too can say,
Even when your path takes me through the valley of deepest darkness, fear will never conquer me, for you already have! Your authority is my strength and my peace. The comfort of your love takes away my fear. Psalm 23:4 TPT
I was berating myself, this morning, for my lack of self control (great start to the day, eh?) and I felt God whisper to me “Just follow my unforced rhythms of grace! I love you so much! I’m not condemning you and you shouldn’t condemn yourself either.”
And that stopped me in my tracks.
All of the sudden, I went from feeling shame and condemnation, to feeling loved and treasured.
That’s a huge shift in both feeling and perspective.
I went and found that verse in the Message. I love the way that verse is shared in so many different translations but for this situation, The Message’s interpretation really speaks to me.
No matter the situation or circumstances, if we walk with God and work with Him; if we learn from Him and see how He does “it”, we will learn to live a life of freedom. We will recover. We will rest. Our journey through this life will be characterized by a lightness and not weighed down and burdened.
That sounds amazing to me.
And in His grace and mercy, He will lead and guide; and I can trust that what He asks of me will bring me life. It won’t be a heavy and difficult burden.
And just like that, my whole day turned around.
I no longer felt shamed to force myself to do something. Instead, I asked the Father what He wanted me to do and did that. There is such a joy and peace and “lightness” in following His ways.
