Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

I’m Late but Learning to Run on His Time

It was my brother Tim’s birthday yesterday.  He turned 28 years old.  Man, we are all getting old.  I don’t actually have a problem with that, but maybe my siblings would have a problem with me saying that.  I had to count backwards from me (I’m turning 32 this year), and realized that Chelle will be 30 in June!  WOW!  Seems like only yesterday I was standing in the Fireside room in Elim or New Life or whatever it was called then, and counting off 8 more years until I would be completely finished school.  Now, here I am, and my eldest daughter has only 8 more years until she is finished high school.

We are home, and well………it was a difficult day.  So exciting with Chris coming home (to the coast), but it kinda felt like I was accosted with a WHOLE TON OF STUFF when I walked in through the door.  I think that by the time we got the kids settled down and in bed, that things were at least on their way to becoming “normal” again.  Is that even possible?  This whole unreal (and yet very real) situation with Chris affects EVERYONE………..and it affects everyone in a unique way.

At least I know that this time when I came home after being away for only (almost) 3 days, that the kids really missed me.  I had to tease Xani for her comment about not even realizing that I was gone last week.  I think that she is the one who has missed me the most over the past few days.  Funny little ones.  We did a lot of talking this afternoon and tonight.  I just let them talk about anything and everything.  It was good for them, I think.

Xani suggested that from now on, I drop them off at school, and then head in to see Uncle Chris and Aunty Nina, and then come home when school was finished.  That is kinda what I was planning…….sorta. 

I have an appointment with my naturopath tomorrow at 10am.  This is basically just a hold my hand appointment because this is around the time that we lost Nathaniel.  I will admit that last week was fabulous.  Nothing like focusing on someone else to enable you to not have to deal with your own life struggles.  This week has not been as good as far as evading the thoughts and fears.  I don’t feel like I’m overwhelmed, or that fear is rising up inside of me.  It feels more like the thoughts are coming at me from outside.  I can hear them, and recognize that they aren’t comfortable thoughts, but I can’t seem to block or ignore them entirely.

So, I have this appointment where she will tell me that I’m doing good, and that everything is going well, and so just keep trucking along.  And so I will!

No worries!  I’ve been taking good care of myself.  I’m not an idiot!  It is possible to eat and drink enough water, even in an emergent or critical situation; and a little bit of lost sleep won’t kill anyone.  And honestly, I’m not even really stressed. 

It’s amazing how freeing just hearing God’s voice can be.  Once you learn to trust that what He says will come to pass, it make life so much easier.  Don’t know what to do or to think?????  Just ask the Father, and obey whatever He says.  If he says your brother will live, and not lose his arm, then I choose to believe that He keeps His word.  My Father is not a liar.  And if He says that my child will live, same thing….I choose to believe that He keeps His promises and that I can rest assured that He will take care of me and protect my little one.  Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m super human and never experience a moment of doubt or fear, but I do have WAY MORE peace than if I were just stumbling along all by myself, and trying to have some hope that things might turn out okay.

I know, that even if for some reason I heard wrong, or wanted to hear some thing…..I know that God will walk me through whatever road I have to walk down.  He’s already proven that time and time again. 

So, tomorrow, I will get up, an see my kids off to school.  I will go to my appointment, and then I will go to see Chris and Nina and whoever else happens to be there……….And we WILL hear good reports about how God is doing amazing creative miracles in Chris AND Nina’s bodies!  I’m so glad he’s here at the coast, and in VGH!

Side Blogging

There are still some things that I want to record, and so I’ve installed this side blog to be able to do that without taking any focus off Chris and Nina.

I’m a little behind on some things, which really doesn’t matter at all in the grand scheme of things.

We had Geli’s birthday on April 7th and she went bowling.   Here is the Butterfly Cake that I made for her party.

Butterfly Cake

I think I’ve already mentioned that fact, but I might not have mentioned that only 3 kids showed up.  She had invited 5, so it’s not like the pool was that huge to begin with, but it could have been a disaster were it not for “SUPER DAD!”  Jon pulled it all together and made it an amazingly fun time for the 4 kids that were there.  I’m so thankful for Jon.  He’s truly an amazing man.

Not only can he guarantee that any occasion with him involved is sure to be a huge success, but he’s been taking care of the kids while I’ve been up in Kamloops with Chris and the family and working and juggling half of what I do, while still trying to keep up on all that he has to do.

You know that things are being taken care of when you haven’t seen your kids for over a week, and you ask if they miss you, and they tell you that they don’t really!  In fact, Xan mentions that she really didn’t even think about you while you were gone.  The only one who said he missed me was J, and I think that he’s just missing a middle of the night cuddling partner.  Mind you, with me gone, he can stretch out all over my entire side of the bed.  Not that me being in the bed usually stops him from stretching out all over Jon and I any way…….YES!  He still sleeps with us…..about 3-4 times a week, we get a midnight visitor.  I really don’t mind, and Jon only minds when J shoves his razor sharp elbows and knees into Jon’s rib cage. 

Nice, eh?  I’m that valuable around here.  Oh well, it’s all worth it, when Jon says that he never realized just how much stuff I actually do.  That makes you feel all kind of warm and fuzzy inside, knowing that he is acknowledging that I do actually do a ton of stuff around here, and I’m not just sitting on my butt on the computer all day.

24 Weeks PregnantI’m also 24 weeks pregnant.  If I make it all the way to term, I only have 16 weeks left.  YAH!  I’m so excited.  I can hardly wait to see and hold my sweet little boy.  I still have a lot to do to be ready for him, but we’ll get there.  Right now, we are mostly focused on Chris and Nina and praying for them and being there for them.  It has kind of almost taken my mind off of the fact that this is around the time that Nathaniel died….like I said……almost……….

Our little one is moving around quite a bit, and if I could remember anything other than the fact that Nathaniel didn’t move a lot, I’d compare it to my other pregnancies……but I can’t.  It’s hard to believe that I was pregnant with Jeremy 7 years ago.  When this little guy is born, Geli is going to be older than I was when Christopher was born.  Weird! 

I never thought I’d ever have kids with quite this age span, but then again, I never thought I’d have gone through a still birth and then 3 losses after that.

I guess you just never know what’s on the road ahead in your journey, and you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and turst that God will give you the strength to deal with whatever comes along.