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Life and Death……so many people I know living life, contemplating life, celebrating life, and yet there is death.

It’s the way this world works, no?

I stepped out of the shower tonight and looked at myself in the mirror. Do you ever do this? Look at yourself. See yourself. What do you see? Do you see all the imperfections? Do you see the strength? Do you see the beauty? Do you see the years of love given? What do you see?

I saw a shell. I saw a home that has lovingly carried 10 babies, birthed 6 of them, with 5 of those living, laughing, and loving.

A week ago, on Saturday March 2, I woke up and I was almost 12 weeks pregnant…..it’s been a rough start to 2013. I’ll say that much. I was so looking forward to telling everybody about this new little life that we had been gifted. When we finally crawled back into our bed on Sunday morning around 3:30am…….I was empty, no longer “full” of life.

I spent the past 3 months, in shock, sleeping, gagging, barfing and stressing…..probably most of all stressing. I’ll say it again. I’ve had a really rough start to 2013.

Backing things up, 2 days before Christmas, we had what you might call a “condom malfunction”. 17.5 years of marriage and it’s never happened……no matter – there is NO WAY we are pregnant. That “NO WAY” turned into a very amazing and completely shocking positive pregnancy test on January 3rd. To say we were surprised is putting things very mildly.

Six kids is a lot to handle. Heck, 5 is a lot to handle. How could we possibly do this? How were we ever going to be able to handle this……financially, time wise, energy wise and well, just how the heck were we going to do this.

I had just started anti-anxiety meds just a little over a month before and honestly, that was the best Christmas that I remember. It was SO less than perfect, but I wasn’t stressed out of my mind and that made it absolutely blissful.

I had to stop taking those meds, in the best interest of the baby and while I was totally willing to do so……I WAS DEVASTATED. Those two little pills that I took before I crawled into bed in the evening had made such a dramatic difference in my life and I was terrified to walk away from the very thing that seemed to be enabling me to cope with difficult situations, especially when I was facing a very difficult situation. I’d been pregnant 9 other times before this one and only 5 of those pregnancies resulted in live births……not really great odds. Mind you, I’d had 2 live births since all the deaths and maybe, just maybe the string of deaths was beyond me.

It wasn’t. Long story short……I’m no longer pregnant. I’m walking around so caught inside of my own head that I’m not sure how to work it all out. My mind keeps trying to figure out ways that I can have another baby, but it’s not going to happen. We are done and yet, I don’t want to let go of that.

This body of mine……this shell has tried to house and attempted to nourish babies almost continuously for the past 16 years. I’m not even sure what to do with myself now that the door has close on that section of my life. Who am I? What do I want to do with myself? With my life?

I still have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, a highly needy 12 year old and two amazing daughters who also need their mother so much, but I feel so lost. I need to find out who I am aside from just a mom and yet…….I don’t want to. It feels like I’m losing something else! I’m walking away from this huge part of my life and walking towards………..what? WHAT????? I don’t know. I’m sure it will be fabulous when I get there……when I figure it out, but right now….It’s scary. It’s open……..My whole life is ahead of me and all I want to do is go back and be pregnant.

I want another baby. I wanted another baby. I want another baby so bad and yet……I stuff the feelings. I choke back the tears. I internalize the sobs and hope that I don’t break down and totally lose it. Lose WHAT? I don’t know, but I’m scared by the depth of these emotions. I’m scared that if I let go…..if I really acknowledge these deep, dark, horrible, scary feelings that I may not be able to reign it all back in……I think I’m even more scared that once I let it go that I’ll be lost. That I won’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to do, once I let go of this grief, of this dream, of this time in my life.

I could “do” so many things, but who am I and what am I “supposed” to do. What do I want to do? I don’t know. I don’t KNOW. I DON’T KNOW!!!!!

What I do know is that I’m sad. I’m sad that I no longer have something that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted before I was given it. I’m sad that I was given something and then that amazing something was taken away. I’m sad that I’ve not even really cried yet…..it’s like in all of this I’ve not even really paid tribute to this sweet life who was taken from us.

Holding my brand new nephew tonight was amazing and yet so tough. I will never have that again. That dream of once more holding a little baby……my little baby……. I don’t get that any more…….ever. That chapter of my life is gone, closed, finished…..and yet I rejoice for my sister and my brother and my nephew….. that they could welcome a wonderfully perfect baby and he is so precious. I can see that he is not mine and I can compartmentalize my grief and my joy and recognize that I can feel both at the same time. Recognize that maybe I can feel so much joy and wonder at this new life because I know how difficult the opposite is….and yet I run from the grief……I only allow small tiny bubbles to roll up. Is it healthy? Most definitely not? Do I feel equipped enough to handle all of this right now…..maybe not….but will I get through this? Yes.

I’ve gone through so much. We’ve had so much death, so many hard times, so many difficult “life lessons” and I know I “can” handle this. I just don’t want to…..I had really hoped that these dark, difficult days were behind us, but they are not…..and so we carry on. We put one foot in front of the other and we carry on.

We live! We laugh! We love! We carry on!

I will process this……I have no worries or concerns about that. maybe that’s why I’m not beating myself up too badly. I will deal with this. I know I will…..I’m just not really dealing with it yet….It’s too much….too soon……too much to feel….mind you, it’s really too much to carry too……..and so soon…..someday soon…….

I don’t know how to write this post. I want to make it perfect. (HA! Even that is so telling of what I’ve been struggling with.) There is so much I could say and no way to say it all. I want to be able to explain with just the right words and to be able to make myself understood. I want to be able to bring light to a situation that is too often misunderstood or a lot of the time hidden or seen as something to be ashamed of.

I feel like each of us can use our voice to speak out and bring light to the situations that we go through in life and in doing so, we can affect our world……..we can change our world for better.

Too often the subject of Mental Health is hidden or seen as a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. The Canadian Mental Health Association estimates that 1 in 5 Canadians will deal with Mental Health Issues at some point in their lives. 1 in 5 is pretty significant, I think; compare that to Diabetes which currently affects about 1 in 10 Canadians……it makes me sad that people feel the need to be ashamed of or to keep it a secret that they are or might be struggling with Mental Health Issues.

Almost 2 weeks ago I was looking into Anxiety Disorders because someone I know and love seems to be struggling with Anxiety. What I read shocked me…..

I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER.

I have had an anxiety disorder for my entire life, at least as far back as I can remember……and I had NO CLUE! I’ve had overwhelming fear and worry and anxiety and because I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel like this, I thought “this” was normal. I thought that everyone felt like I did and if they didn’t worry or stress as much as me it’s only because they didn’t care as much. I feel like the more I worry or stress or over-analyze things, the less opportunity there is for things to go wrong….if I think through every option or worse case scenario, then I will be more prepared if something were to go wrong. If I think through every negative thought someone will or might have about me, then I can be better or more perfect or less likely to offend someone and maybe just maybe they will like me…..it’s a completely irrational fear or worry of future events. It’s like I’m borrowing fear from tomorrow and stressing about it as if it’s already happened today……totally messes with you mentally, emotionally and physically.

Of the different types of Anxiety…

– Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
– Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
– Generalized Anxiety Disorder
– Panic Disorder
– Phobia
– Social Anxiety Disorder

….I’ve probably experienced varying levels of each one at different times in my life.

The biggest one that I struggle with is the Social Anxiety Disorder….if you clicked on that link and read through the page…..that’s me. I have struggled with…… “an intense, persistent, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others, and of doing things that will embarrass them (me). They(I) can worry for days or weeks before a dreaded situation. This fear may become so severe that it interferes with work, school, and other ordinary activities, and can make it hard to make and keep friends.”

I’ve always said that I’ve struggled with insecurities. It felt overwhelming and huge in my life and I’ve fought my entire life to “try to overcome them”. I couldn’t understand how I could actually like myself and think that I was a beautiful person both inside and out and yet be so hard or down on myself.

While reading and researching, I came across a site that explained anxiety as an outside force affecting you on the inside (and if I could find the site to link to it, I totally would, it was a great article) and it hit me so hard….. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that I feel like I’m fighting myself. I’m fighting to be normal. I’m fighting to keep it all together. I’m fighting to stay in control…..and honestly, after the past 2.5 years…..I’m too tired to fight anymore.

For the past 6 months, I’ve felt like I was losing the battle and yet…..between cancer and the lingering after effects, two teenagers, 3 children with ADHD, 2 with massive sensory issues, 1 with Anxiety Issues, homeschooling, a toddler and just trying to keep the house from falling apart and keeping food on the table….there was no opportunity to fall apart or to give up.

My Doctor keeps telling me that yes I could have just “given up or gone back to bed”, that people do it all the time and that I should be proud of myself for the fact that I’ve kept on going…..I can’t even fathom that was an option. There’s a baby to look after and the 2 boys would have destroyed the house….or each other and some one would have gotten hurt……or something…..

I get anxious just thinking about the boys unsupervised…..

I sat in the Doctors office last Thursday crying because it’s been really difficult to “be me”. I’ve been fighting myself for so long……actually, I guess it would be more appropriate to say that I’ve been fighting the anxiety for so long and I have very little, if any, reserves left. I’m starting to recognize when it’s the anxiety speaking….I’m still working on dealing with the physical feelings from the anxiety but recognizing when it’s the “anxiety” is a start and has already helped some…

There are two main approaches to dealing with and treating anxiety……therapy and medication. I’ve decided to go with both. I started an anti-anxiety medication last week and also went to talk with my counselor.

I’ve been on an absolute emotional roller coaster ride for the past almost 2 weeks. I’ve been grieving lost opportunities and lost time that was stolen from me by this thing called “anxiety” and yet I’m so excited for what my future holds. I’m so excited that I don’t have to live under the crushing pressure of anxiety for the rest of my life. I’m excited to start feeling better. I’m excited for new possibilities and opportunities. I’m saddened that it seems that I’ve contributed to my son’s anxiety. I believe that based on the number of people in my family who deal with or who have dealt with anxiety, that there is a big genetic component to this. At the same time, I’m so excited to be able to understand better what he deals with and to be able to help him better be able to learn about this disorder and how to deal with it.

I came across the image/quote at the top of this post about a month ago and it hit me so hard. I’ve been frustrated for a while because I’ve had people telling me that I needed to let things go….that I was carrying too heavy of a load. I already do almost nothing “extra”. I’m just trying to function within the “crazy” that is my life and family. It’s a lot. I recognize that. But really, there are no extra’s to cut back on. Last week, this image came back to me in an “Ah Ha!” moment.

It’s time to let go of the anxiety. It’s too heavy to carry. I’ve been overwhelmed for far too long and while I’m not sure exactly how to “do this”, I’m working with some amazing people who are coming along side of me to help me “carry this” until I can fully let go.

But even just recognizing that I have something to let go of……recognizing that I don’t have to be crushed by this forever, is HUGE!