NO MORE

Fear is a horrible, terrible thing.

I’ve been battling fear for as long as I can remember and I’m sure from even before I can remember. I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling like I’m being choked. I hate feeling like I can’t breathe or think or reason. I hate fear.

For a long time, living with fear was just my normal.

I was terrified of everything and everyone. I’m not even kidding or joking when I say that. I was scared that I’d do something wrong and that I’d would then get in trouble. I was scared someone was going to be disappointed in me. I was scared that I’d make a wrong choice – and so I would make none. I was scared that I wouldn’t get good enough grades. I was scared that no one would like me. I was scared that someone would think poorly of me. I was scared to ask for help or directions or…..well, just anything. I was scared that people wouldn’t like me if they knew who I really was. I was scared that they’d reject me. I was scared to even “try” to do things that I was interested in for fear of failure.

I was terrified……and it sucked.

A few years ago, I went through quite a bit of counseling and I dealt with some of my issues regarding and related to fear. I’d had enough. It felt like fear owned me. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t live. I wasn’t living. I was simply existing and even then, I’m not really sure that “existing” is even a good enough description of how bad things were.

Now, for those people who knew me back then (I’m talking from 1985 – 2005), I’m not sure if you knew all of this about me. Did I do a good job of hiding this? I got told that I came across a stand-offish or as a snob and that was never my intent. I was only trying to protect myself from what I was sure was a world of hurt and pain. My perception of life was so off, and it took getting some help for me to even realize just how bad things were.

It’s like I was on a road traveling through life, only I had bags and bags and bags of garbage tied to me. The bags were so unbelievably heavy that it took every ounce of energy that I had to even stay upright, and forward movement was almost impossible. I cry a little inside when I think of all I could have done as a teenager and young adult were I not so scared and insecure. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a wife and mom and I would not give up this life that I have, to go back for another try, but there were things that I could have done differently or heck just DONE, were I not so scared. Chances that I could have taken……

I felt like this for a far back as I can remember. I didn’t realize that I had the power/strength/ability to make my life different and it took a long time for me to come to the realization that what I was dealing with wasn’t “okay” and that I didn’t have to stay like this. I knew that others seemed to be living so much more free-er than me, but I just figured that they were better or had it more together or……were way better at faking it than I was. I didn’t know what it was like to live free from fear. it wasn’t until things go SO difficult and SO uncomfortable for me that I realized that I needed some help and…it wasn’t until I got some help that I was able to see just how captive I was to fear.

Living life out from under the heavy, overwhelming burden of fear was amazing. It wasn’t perfect, but lets say that if I had been weighed down by 50 bags of garbage, maybe I got rid of 35-40 of them. Can you even imagine the difference that would make?

I could breathe. I could walk. Heck, I could run and skip and sing! It was like the storm cloud that I’d been living under parted and the sun was shining and the birds were singing and my world seemed so new and exciting.

Living life became fun and amazing. There were still things that I struggled with but I could see how bad it had been and how far I’d come and I was determined to figure out a way to get rid of even more baggage and to carry forward in my life without being weighed down and held back by fear. And I was doing just that………..slowly and steadily, I was moving forward towards a life of greater freedom and confidence……

The last 6 months have been hard.

I feel scared.

I hate that I’m scared. I cringe every time the phone rings. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that it’s going to be bad news. I don’t want to talk to people because I’m scared that they are going to judge me, or that they might ask me a question that I don’t have an answer to. Typing that out it seems so stupid. I’m aware of how stupid it sounds and I’m not saying that what I’m dealing with is rational. I’m completely aware of how irrational this all is. I’m scared of something bad happening to my kids. Every fever, every headache, the fact that no one is sleeping well – it all weighs on me so heavy, it’s almost crushing……years ago, every issue that came up, I’d immediately go into “worse case scenario” mode and recently, those thoughts have all been back. Every little toy or piece of food on the floor is seen as a choking or health hazard for Judah…

I hate waking up to a horrific dream regarding something bad happening to my kids or family. I hate waking up in a panic wondering if the kids are alive. I hate feeling like I’m being judged about how clean my house is or isn’t; or how much homework my kids do; or how well my kids behave; or how well I’m coping or not coping……

I hate it.

I hate feeling like this. I recognize this from before. I recognize the feelings, the fear, the insecurity.

No one has said any of this to me. No one is judging me. There is nothing wrong with the kids. This is the fear weighing me down and holding me back…..

I don’t want to “exist” like this. This is not living. I’m aware that there is a part of right now that we are “surviving” through, but for the most part of my life….I want to LIVE. I want to live free from fear and insecurity.

It’s time to get rid of some of this garbage that’s weighing me down. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I’m strong enough. I’m brave enough. I have the courage to face this head on and to not let it weigh me down. I’m reclaiming my life back. I may have been dealt a hard blow and fear may have tried to dump all that garbage back on top of me, but I won’t stay down. I’m not tied to the garbage anymore, and it’s not tied to me.

One thing that I’m excited about…..I know how to walk down this road. You know how when you gone somewhere once before, that you have an idea of how to get back there. The first time you go down a road to a destination…you are hesitant and cautious, but once you’ve been there, you have more confidence…. You feel like you can navigate through the roads and you recognize the landmarks and you can get to your destination that much quicker….ya, that! That’s where I’m at…..

I’ll admit that there is a part of me that feels scared…..and that’s just fear…holding me back, and I’m not going to let it win.

Hebrews 13:6