Category: Deep Thoughts

Day 18 – Sand Dune Arch (Part 3)

Even when just driving from station to station within the Park the views are incredible.

We pulled into the parking lot and we’re greeted by this stunning view.

To gain some perspective, Jon got this picture of Siah standing at the base of this giant.

Inside of this landform is Sand Dune Arch. It was my favourite experience of the park. We walked towards this landform on a gravel path.

You see a narrow space in between the columns and with no idea what you’re walking into, you head inside.

The pathway in, is squishy and awkward. The ground is slightly sloped and there’s sand on top of hardened rock and you really should use both hands to steady yourself as you slip through the opening into the magical world inside.

The temperature drops a few degrees and the wind is cool and blows steady against you. The pathway opens up into this quiet space that feels sacred. It’s awe inspiring.

The sand is cool and powdery soft. It’s a sensory delight. You kind of want to lay down and just soak it all in. I know that sounds weird but it was amazing.

The first space widens into an open sky chamber and you can hear your voice echo slightly as you call out to each other. I had the most incredible urge to sing. To join my voice with sounds and beings that have gone before and are here now, in gratitude for this incredible wonder.

As the walls narrow to lead you into the next chamber , the strength of the wind blowing through and against you, increases. It reminded me of the times when life seems narrow and restricted and the things coming at you seem to intensify. If you can press on and press through, you just don’t know what will open up for you; or what wonders you are about to step in to.

The space opened up and revealed wonders that aren’t visible from the outside. It’s only when you press in, that you get to see the beauty that’s here and available, if you’re willing.

There were other visitors in the area with us and although everyone was quiet and respectful; I wished I could have had a moment alone in this place. To just sit down and be quiet and BE in this place.

As you carry on passed the arch, the crevasse gets smaller and smaller.

Siah squished in as far as he could go. Silly boy. It’s amazing to see how happy the boys were; no screens, no devices, just nature.

We stayed for a while longer but then headed out to go and see Broken Arch.

I’m gonna break this up into one more post. We got a lot of pictures from our hike towards Broken Arch; and it’s easier than creating a super long extended post.

Day 6 – Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas

We weren’t sure if we’d split the trip between Kansas and Arkansas into two shorter days or just take the plunge and go for it but on Saturday night while in Hays, Kansas, we talked with the boys and decided to get up early and make a day of it and then we’d have extra time with Xani. We had plans to leave by 8am but when I woke up at 8 and everyone was still in bed, I figured that plan had gone out the window.

We did managed to get up and on the road by 9:30am. That 9 hour drive is deceiving because when you add in slower driving because of the Trailer, gas stops, bathroom breaks and food, it’s easy a 12 hour journey and in our case it was actually a 13 hour journey. (insert eye roll here)

Hays, Kansas

Hays was pretty and warm when we left but oh so windy and we wondered how that would translate into driving conditions. Our trailer is not exactly the most aerodynamic shape and a good gust of wind will shove you into the next lane or onto the roadside. It can be quite exciting!

These flowers were smaller than my pinky fingernail but so pretty.

Everyone was pretty eager to get going. Who wouldn’t be looking forward to a whole day of sitting around?

As we started our day, the weather looked a bit ominous up ahead of us; even thought the weather condition app didn’t show even any rain let alone a storm.

As we neared Oklahoma, this friendly guy welcomed us! There has been a few of these metal characters that we’ve passed along the way; a bear, a camel and one other animal that I forget at the moment but this is the first guy we’ve seen!

There was a whole lot of flat land as we drove through Kansas and Oklahoma. Not terribly exciting; but still beautiful in its own open way.

We stopped at this truck stop to let one of the boys use the toilet and I’ve got the say that this is the funniest and most wildly inappropriate gas station names we’ve come across yet!

I started crocheting a dishcloth to pass some of the time.

We hit a toll station that accepted credit cards and then we hit one that only took cash – which we didn’t have, of course. So they gave us and envelope and a ticket and told us to pick up some cash and pay both at the next one. We stopped in Muskogee and used Google Maps to find an ATM. It took us into town and to a bank headquarters that did NOT have an ATM nor was it open on Easter Sunday BUT, fortunately for us, one block up and one street over there was a bank with an ATM.

Not cool, Google! Not cool.

We had parked in an empty insurance place lot that was next to a Sonic so we thought we’d grab something quick to eat. It was not quick’ THEN, we desperately needed gas so we followed Google Maps again to a gas station that was unmanned AND we couldn’t pay with our card because we don’t have an American Zip code. So we had to find another one. Eventually we did, gassed up and were on our way to Arkansas.

We crossed into Arkansas about 7:30 and had a couple more hours to go. If you’re looking to pass some time just get Jon and Jude and Siah started on a conversation about protons and neutrons and electrons and atoms and energy and black holes and white holes and I don’t even know what else. The last hour or so was a riveting conversation that I didn’t understand even though they all tried to explain it, so well.

We pulled in around 10:30pm. Got our trailer set up, said our hellos and then went to bed. All in all, it was a pretty good day.

In That Space

I can’t keep track of the number of times that my life has shifted in ways that I didn’t expect. Times when I thought or expected things to just carry on or develop in typical ways and then, “BAM! PLOT TWIST!“

I guess in someways it keeps life exciting and yet, I feel like I’ve had more than enough “excitement” in my life and could actually use a little boring and mundane stability.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about contentment, recently. I’ve had very well meaning people tell me that I’m so strong and capable; that I seem to be able to “handle so much” They might mention that they don’t know how I do it; and although I believe they are good hearted people, it doesn’t exactly feel like a compliment.

Gah! I just don’t want to have to be strong enough or to have to go through difficult times. I don’t want the knowledge that I can handle weighty things. Sometimes, I just want to yell, “Enough already! I just want to breathe, rest and grow without the effort and pain of conflict and uncertainty.”

And yet, this is life.

There is pain.
There is uncertainty.
There is chaos.
There is struggle.
BUT…

There is also good and joy and love and peace and blessing and happiness and enough. Even in the midst of the pain and the chaos, of the hurt and discomfort; of the uncertainty and conflict – there is good.

How do we find that goodness when we feel overwhelmed by the hurt and pain? How do we be content?

I recently read this description of contentment and I love it!

Contentment is being happy with what you have.
Contentment is being happy with who you are.
Contentment is being happy with where you are.

Contentment is respecting the reality of the the present.

I love this statement. Read it again.

Contentment is respecting the reality of the present.

It’s not about settling. It’s not about giving up. It’s not about denying reality. It’s not glossing over or ignoring the difficult things. It’s not about toxic positivity.

It is about RESPECTING THE REALITY OF THE PRESENT in all its messy goodness, and horror. It’s holding or having space for the duality of life. Recognizing that there is good and bad. Life is full of contradictions and we have the honour and responsibility of choosing our responses in any situation.

I believe that, too often, we allow our reactions to dictate our responses, especially in difficult situations. I love this quote from Victor Frankl,

” Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”

I believe that part of contentment is holding “this space.”

Being content requires self awareness. In order to be happy with what you have, who you are and where you’re at – you need to KNOW what you have, who you are and where you’re at.

Knowing WHO YOU ARE, allows you to build your life on a solid foundation. It enables you to see what you have, what you want, where you are and where you want to go. It’s easier to create the life that you want for yourself when you truly know yourself. Then, when your story has a sudden Plot Twist, you can stand in “that space” and choose your response in a way that aligns with values.

You can hold the reality of both the pain and the good; and make choices that align with who you truly are. You have the power to choose your actions and reactions.

There is something extremely empowering in recognizing that we have a choice. We get to chose our responses to the things that happen in our lives. We may not always have control over what happens because there may be outside influences that are out of our control, but we get to choose our response.

In that choice, in that space, in that moment – there is power, growth and freedom and there can be contentment, even in the difficult times.

The Body doesn’t Forget

Today was a weird day.

I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt upset. I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry.

But I didn’t know why I was feeling this way; so I acknowledged my feelings and then tucked them away inside of myself because I had so much that I needed to do.

Driving home tonight I realized that today is Nathaniel’s day. January 24, 2005. If he had lived, he would have been 17 today.

Even if the mind doesn’t immediately remember, the body doesn’t forget. All those feelings I mentioned above are feelings I felt on that day. Feelings that ask me to bear witness to an event that forever changed my life.

It seems strange to grieve the loss of dreams and hopes and ideals but that’s what I had. We didn’t know what he liked and disliked or whether he was quiet or loud…..athletic or nerdy?

Regardless, my body knows the heaviness of loss. The emptiness. The pain. The loneliness. The conflict.

The grief is not intense anymore. It doesn’t steal my breath or crash over me in waves so strong that I fear I may be swept away.

The grief is a quiet sadness. A subtle and fleeting moment of desolation. It’s presence is there asking me to honor my child and his oh-so-short life by acknowledging all the feelings that carried me from there to here; and the process that shattered and rebuilt a new version of me.

46

Dear 16 year old me,

You’re gonna be okay. These overwhelming feeling of insecurity and intrusive thoughts are part of a life long anxiety disorder, probably a chemical imbalance and you will eventually figure that out. You’re not broken or awful.

It’s okay that you’ve not had a boyfriend, yet. You’re going to find an incredible boy who will grow up to be an even more incredible man. You are gorgeous, smart and powerful. It’s okay to be a strong woman. Your strength will serve you well in the future. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not and who you are, is incredible. You’ve got this!

Dear 26 year old me,

3 kids, eh? You’re a rockstar!

That littlest one you’re holding?!? He is going to teach you more than you ever imagined was possible. You are going to learn patience and compassion, communication, persistence, gentleness, love, and so much more.

You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you and lots that I wish I could protect you from. You’re in for a world of heartbreak, trauma and devastation; but the flip side of all of that hurt is the most glorious awareness of grace and mercy. You are going to learn to love, have compassion and care for others in a way that will rock your world, in the best way possible.

That strength I mentioned earlier, it will do you well as we navigate these dark days ahead. You will survive. I promise. Even though it may feel like you could die from the pain and heartbreak, I can promise you that you won’t. You’ve got this!

Dear 36 year old me,

Can you believe that we have 5 incredible kids? Those 2 miracle boys born after all those losses…..AMAZING, eh? It’s a lot of work, but this second round of parenting is so much easier than the first round, isn’t it?

You thought the losses were tough but you’ve got another decade of unfathomable heart break. Between 3 years of Pediatric Cancer treatment, the physical, mental and emotional fallout from the treatment, mental health issues, trauma, school issues, and so much more – this is the decade that is going to really test you. Even though you will feel that you are walking a fine line between surviving and breaking, you will survive.

This is the decade that you learn just exactly how strong you are. Even if you wish you weren’t as strong because you’re exhausted and sometimes you wish it would all just go away or stop – you’ve got this. One day, one hour, one moment, one breath at a time. Breathe girl, breathe! This season won’t last forever.

Dear 46 year old me,

I truly wonder what this next decade will bring. I’d like to believe that the pain of the previous 2 decades will lighten up some. It’s been intense enough to last a lifetime. But the gifts that have come along side the pain have been glorious. In spite of all that we’ve been through, we’ve had the most incredible life and it’s not over yet!

You are wise! You are strong! You are brave! You are beautiful! Trust yourself! Trust your instincts! Believe in yourself! Believe that you have a voice! Believe that your dreams are valid and important! Believe that you can affect positive change in the world! Believe that you are a strong and powerful women. Know that your strength is one of your super-powers. Keep going to counselling! Keep reaching for inner healing! Have patience with yourself! You are a work in progress. You’ve got this!

Self Worth and Self Esteem

Why do I struggle with not feeling worthy?

This is a thought that occupies space in my head and it frustrates me to no end. I do believe that I am good. I think I do good things for good reasons and yet….

There is this core belief way down in the very center of my being that says I’m not.

I’m not good enough.
People are going to judge me.
People are going to believe the worst about me.
I will never truly be accepted and loved just as I am.
I need to try harder to be good.
I need to be perfect to be acceptable.
I need to be smaller than I am.
I need to act in a way that’s more acceptable or palatable.
I need to diminish the things about me that are too much.

And even as those words loop through my brain, the counterpoint also continues to run.

I am enough.
I am good.
I can be big and accepted.
I don’t have to diminish my self for anyone.
I can be loud and strong and opinionated.
I don’t have to fit into anyone’s mold.
I was not created to fit inside of a humanly constructed world.
I am amazing.
I am creative.
I am loving.
I am compassionate.
I have gifts that serve myself and those around me.
I AM ENOUGH.

It feels like a war within me. It’s exhausting. The old thoughts feel less and less comfortable and the new thoughts fit better than they ever have and still…

Even though I know the truth.
I still struggle to truly accept and embrace it as such.

why?

Investment or Insanity

Sometimes I feel like a broken record.

I’m exhausted. SO exhausted! ALWAYS EXHAUSTED!

it sucks.

Right now, we are focusing a lot of our energy on our business and I understand that I’m working hard towards a goal; but I’m a firm believer in working smarter and not harder and yet I feel like I’m just working as hard as I can to just not drown.

What I struggle with is working so hard, for so long, that I end up feeling like I can barely function. This is kind of where I’m at right now.

When I boil it all down, I think I’m talking about trying to find balance. At this exact moment, I’m definitely way beyond actually “living in balance”; but where do you draw the line between investment and insanity.

It’s stupid to think that I can “invest” at this level for the next few years.

So where do I go from here?

That is one of the big questions in my mind, these days; and I don’t know that I have a quick or easy answer for myself.

Waiting For the End…or the Beginning

With 2 weeks left in this year, I’m desperate for the year to be over.

I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I miss hugging the people I love. I miss…..everything. I miss normalcy. I miss the way it used to be.

Too often I feel miserable!

Not the sad, despondent kind of misery but the angry, annoyed, grouchy kind of miserable.

It doesn’t really make sense to be wishing this year away because between December 31, 2020 and January 1, 2021 nothing magical will have changed. There will be no “returning to normal.”

I think what I’m desperately seeking is HOPE.

Hope that things will be better.
Hope that things will get easier.
Hope that things will change.

I’m so tired of “holding it together”.
I want to cry when my kids start to squabble.
I want to send them to their rooms just so I won’t have to muster up the energy to help them navigate their own feelings of exhaustion and stress.

I want to be on a beach, in the sun, doing nothing.
I want a magically clean house.
I want time to be able to take care of my responsibilities.
And the energy to actually do them.

I want space to breathe without feeling like I’m gasping for air.
I want space to be able to paint and draw and write.
I want to feel like I’m enjoying life and not like I’m constantly having to search for the glimmer of light within the darkness.

There is no “returning to normal.” I’ve been through enough trauma and tragedy to know that life doesn’t work like that. I know that holding on to the idea that things will go back to the way they were is not helpful for me. I need to grieve what has been lost and move forward. To find and create a new normal; but that’s not always easy…….

I’m tired.
I’m so very tired.
And that’s okay.

It’s been a tiring year.

Maybe in the “waiting for the end”; I’m also waiting for the beginning of what is to come.

HOPE

Not Quite Drowning?

Is there a single word for “not quite drowning”?

That moment when a person in the water is struggling with all their might. Gasping for air. Popping above the water just long enough to gulp a quick breath. It’s not quite enough to refresh or revive but it’s just enough to prolong the inevitable. Your adrenaline kicks in and even though you’re exhausted, you still thrash around wasting precious energy, air, resources……

That’s a bit how I feel.

Brutal, eh?

I’d say it’s been quite a week. But on further reflection, it’s been quite a month, and a hell of a year and quite honestly, it’s been a decade of chaos and loss and trauma.

There’s something about the idea of surrender. Something still and quiet and peaceful. In some ways, it feels like failure or giving up. And I guess it truly is “giving up”. Giving up on the assumption that I can “do” all of this. Giving up the arrogance that says I’m super human and can do the impossible. Giving up on the idea that I’m in control.

Often we think that “drowning + surrender = death” but maybe we are focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe “drowning + surrender = truly living”.

Maybe it’s the weight that we need to surrender.

Maybe it’s the chaos that we need to surrender.

Maybe it’s the control that we need to surrender.

And maybe…in the surrender, we will be able to truly live, unencumbered by weight that drags us down, tires us out and distracts us from what we really want to do.

It’s probably a good thing that I have a counselling appointment tomorrow, eh?