Category: Deep Thoughts

Oh Man….

well, life just keeps on flying by and I keep thinking I should post something and then, I have no energy to do so….

In bullet points:

– Geli started Chemo on Monday
– She got chemo shots into her thighs on Tuesday
– She went back to school on Wednesday (hopefully for a good portion of the next month)
– Jeremy is LOVING the newest Robot Camp
– Jeremy will do ANYTHING for a Lego mini fig (He cleaned the kitchen spotless is less than 15 mins and that is basically a Christmas Miracle)
– Xandra caught up on ALL her homework (because I bought the latest Maximum Ride Series Book and wouldn’t let her read it until everything was up to date)
– Geli is ALMOST caught up on her homework but she was really, REALLY behind.
– Geli is having a hard time adjusting to a “normal schedule” (She’s finding it hard to get to sleep at night and as a result is overly tired in the morning making mornings a bit tougher than they should be)
– I saw the psychologist at BCCH yesterday and cried too much (now I’m just trying to process everything and trying to figure out what I’m going to do moving forward)
– We are contemplating our living arrangements and trying to figure out is there is a better room allocation that would work for us.
– Jon’s scheduled appointment to give blood is tomorrow morning.
– Megamind comes out on DVD today and we are planning to watch it tonight as a family.
– Baby turned 8 months old yesterday and his cousins came to play and I have a bazillion photos to plow through today.
– I love my sisters. Am thinking of them lots today. They are AMAZING!
– I am having too many “I should be doing…..” thoughts and it’s wrecking my life….I need to think through and just “DO” and not get so caught up in what I should be doing. It’s harder to do than it might seem.
– About the previously mentioned room allocation….would you consider turning the basement into the “master bedroom”? Why or why not? Any thought?
-And with that I’m out….I’ve got a mountain (5 large loads) of laundry that I need to fold. Ick!

NO MORE

2423591084_cce5bb2a30_o

Fear is a horrible, terrible thing.

I’ve been battling fear for as long as I can remember and I’m sure from even before I can remember. I hate it. I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling like I’m being choked. I hate feeling like I can’t breathe or think or reason. I hate fear.

For a long time, living with fear was just my normal.

I was terrified of everything and everyone. I’m not even kidding or joking when I say that. I was scared that I’d do something wrong and that I’d would then get in trouble. I was scared someone was going to be disappointed in me. I was scared that I’d make a wrong choice – and so I would make none. I was scared that I wouldn’t get good enough grades. I was scared that no one would like me. I was scared that someone would think poorly of me. I was scared to ask for help or directions or…..well, just anything. I was scared that people wouldn’t like me if they knew who I really was. I was scared that they’d reject me. I was scared to even “try” to do things that I was interested in for fear of failure.

I was terrified……and it sucked.

A few years ago, I went through quite a bit of counseling and I dealt with some of my issues regarding and related to fear. I’d had enough. It felt like fear owned me. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t live. I wasn’t living. I was simply existing and even then, I’m not really sure that “existing” is even a good enough description of how bad things were.

Now, for those people who knew me back then (I’m talking from 1985 – 2005), I’m not sure if you knew all of this about me. Did I do a good job of hiding this? I got told that I came across a stand-offish or as a snob and that was never my intent. I was only trying to protect myself from what I was sure was a world of hurt and pain. My perception of life was so off, and it took getting some help for me to even realize just how bad things were.

It’s like I was on a road traveling through life, only I had bags and bags and bags of garbage tied to me. The bags were so unbelievably heavy that it took every ounce of energy that I had to even stay upright, and forward movement was almost impossible. I cry a little inside when I think of all I could have done as a teenager and young adult were I not so scared and insecure. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a wife and mom and I would not give up this life that I have, to go back for another try, but there were things that I could have done differently or heck just DONE, were I not so scared. Chances that I could have taken……

I felt like this for a far back as I can remember. I didn’t realize that I had the power/strength/ability to make my life different and it took a long time for me to come to the realization that what I was dealing with wasn’t “okay” and that I didn’t have to stay like this. I knew that others seemed to be living so much more free-er than me, but I just figured that they were better or had it more together or……were way better at faking it than I was. I didn’t know what it was like to live free from fear. it wasn’t until things go SO difficult and SO uncomfortable for me that I realized that I needed some help and…it wasn’t until I got some help that I was able to see just how captive I was to fear.

Living life out from under the heavy, overwhelming burden of fear was amazing. It wasn’t perfect, but lets say that if I had been weighed down by 50 bags of garbage, maybe I got rid of 35-40 of them. Can you even imagine the difference that would make?

I could breathe. I could walk. Heck, I could run and skip and sing! It was like the storm cloud that I’d been living under parted and the sun was shining and the birds were singing and my world seemed so new and exciting.

Living life became fun and amazing. There were still things that I struggled with but I could see how bad it had been and how far I’d come and I was determined to figure out a way to get rid of even more baggage and to carry forward in my life without being weighed down and held back by fear. And I was doing just that………..slowly and steadily, I was moving forward towards a life of greater freedom and confidence……

2497745318_4731393269_o

The last 6 months have been hard.

I feel scared.

I hate that I’m scared. I cringe every time the phone rings. I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that it’s going to be bad news. I don’t want to talk to people because I’m scared that they are going to judge me, or that they might ask me a question that I don’t have an answer to. Typing that out it seems so stupid. I’m aware of how stupid it sounds and I’m not saying that what I’m dealing with is rational. I’m completely aware of how irrational this all is. I’m scared of something bad happening to my kids. Every fever, every headache, the fact that no one is sleeping well – it all weighs on me so heavy, it’s almost crushing……years ago, every issue that came up, I’d immediately go into “worse case scenario” mode and recently, those thoughts have all been back. Every little toy or piece of food on the floor is seen as a choking or health hazard for Judah…

I hate waking up to a horrific dream regarding something bad happening to my kids or family. I hate waking up in a panic wondering if the kids are alive. I hate feeling like I’m being judged about how clean my house is or isn’t; or how much homework my kids do; or how well my kids behave; or how well I’m coping or not coping……

I hate it.

I hate feeling like this. I recognize this from before. I recognize the feelings, the fear, the insecurity.

No one has said any of this to me. No one is judging me. There is nothing wrong with the kids. This is the fear weighing me down and holding me back…..

I don’t want to “exist” like this. This is not living. I’m aware that there is a part of right now that we are “surviving” through, but for the most part of my life….I want to LIVE. I want to live free from fear and insecurity.

It’s time to get rid of some of this garbage that’s weighing me down. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I’m strong enough. I’m brave enough. I have the courage to face this head on and to not let it weigh me down. I’m reclaiming my life back. I may have been dealt a hard blow and fear may have tried to dump all that garbage back on top of me, but I won’t stay down. I’m not tied to the garbage anymore, and it’s not tied to me.

One thing that I’m excited about…..I know how to walk down this road. You know how when you gone somewhere once before, that you have an idea of how to get back there. The first time you go down a road to a destination…you are hesitant and cautious, but once you’ve been there, you have more confidence…. You feel like you can navigate through the roads and you recognize the landmarks and you can get to your destination that much quicker….ya, that! That’s where I’m at…..

I’ll admit that there is a part of me that feels scared…..and that’s just fear…holding me back, and I’m not going to let it win.

DSC_0151

Hebrews 13:6

Seasons (part 2)

In talking about the different seasons that we might be in or going through, I want to be clear…

The season that you are in may or may not be, a very difficult one. I don’t want to discredit that fact that you might be struggling and that it might be tough…..like REALLY TOUGH.

It’s okay to not like where you are at. It’s okay for you to feel that things are difficult and that you’d really rather not be dealing with what you are dealing with.

If you are a mom with young kids…that is a LOT of work! There is a lot required of you. It’s tough. It’s tiring, and in the moment, it can be TOTALLY THANKLESS! You probably won’t “see” the rewards of your hard work right away. You’ll end up doing the same things over and over and over until it makes you feel slightly insane. You may not be able to “do” all the things that others without kids are able to do. You might miss out on certain events or trips or opportunities. You might feel extremely frustrated. It’s okay. You have a tough job. It’s difficult. It’s tiring. It’s overwhelming. It’s not very glamorous. In the thick of it all, it feels like a pretty cruddy job.

If you are working – that can be a lot. Regardless of whether you are working for yourself or for someone else. There is a lot of stress and strain, of trying to meet deadlines and get everything accomplished. You may not feel appreciated. You may feel like what you are doing is pointless. The only thing keeping you there may be the (feeling like never enough) finances that you get as a result of that job. It’s okay. It’s hard work. It’s okay to feel tired and worn out and overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel unappreciated.

You may have a sick child. That’s a tough job. Advocating for your child is a LOT of work. Whether they have mental, emotional, or physical issues. It’s difficult. It’s time consuming. Trying to keep all the facts straight is hard work. Watching your child suffer is brutal. Being “the voice” for them is tough. It’s okay to be upset and angry and to feel overwhelmed.

Maybe you can’t get pregnant. Maybe you have children, but you lost one. Maybe you can no longer have children. Maybe you wish you were married or wish you could get out of a bad situation. Maybe your partner died. Maybe you lost a job or your home or a car or a pet. Maybe a dream has been lost to you. All of those are tough situations. It’s okay to be upset about it. It’s okay to be sad or mad or disappointed or angry.

Your feelings are valid.

It’s okay to embrace how you are feeling. It’s okay to acknowledge that what you are going through sucks and that you wish you didn’t have to go through it. You are allowed to be upset that things didn’t or haven’t turned out the way that you’d hoped or planned for.

We all go through situations that are tough and in talking about them as “Seasons”, my goal is not to downplay the difficulty of where you are at. No, it’s to encourage you that many times in our lives, we will come up against situations that either are, or seem very difficult; or situations that just plain suck. I want to encourage you that even though you may be in a dark place…..morning will come. The dawn will break and things will change.

You may not see how it’s possible. You may not feel like it’s gonna happen anytime soon. You may not know the time frame that things will get better in. You may not see how it’s all going to work out. But…..things will change. Things may get better or they may just change.

The intensity that you are feeling things with….it will change.

Seasons Change. They do………

Just like spring flows into summer and then into autumn and then into winter and back again…..the times in our lives keep changing. We may not have a “date” attached to it, like spring or summer do, but one day you’ll look back and see that things have changed.

In the mean time, while you’re in the thick of “it all”, sometimes, just knowing that you are in a season can help. Knowing that it’s not always going to be exactly like it is now…sometimes, that can help you to see beyond the intensity of where you are currently at. It can help you to be able to breathe and to be able to find the beauty and the “life” in the middle of your chaos. Sometimes just knowing that one day this time will be beyond you, can help to knock the narrow focused lenses of hurt and pain and intensity off your eyes, even for one brief moment. In that moment, maybe you can see that there is light coming down the road…..even if it happens to be a far ways off. Hopefully, that glimpse brings hope!

In the middle of all of my chaos, I want to be able to see the beauty. I want to LIVE, not just exist. In life, I get both the good and the bad. I acknowledge the bad and embrace the good. Yah, it’s true, sometimes the seasons in my life suck. That can be true, but once I’ve acknowledged that…….then where do I go from here?

Hopefully, I take one step forward, which brings me closer to the next season……

Seasons

I’m in a weird season right now, and…it’s okay!

This last 6 months hasn’t looked at all like I thought it would. I’m 6 months into my year of Maternity Leave and I’m pretty sure that my next 6 months aren’t going be what I expected or hoped for, either.

Last Spring/Summer, as I looked forward to Judah being born….I also looked forward to a summer where I could relax (as much as I could with a newborn). I looked forward to my 13 year old being able to help me, and for my 12 year old to be able to distract the 3yr old when necessary. I looked forward to lazy days spent at the pool with my sisters and fun days at the beach. I was desperately looking forward to the fall when the 3 older kids would go back to school and I’d be home alone with my 2 littlest boys. This year was going to be a year where I’d get to invest in friendships. I looked forward to play dates and coffees and walks with strollers…

I was really looking forward to this year “off”.

My reality was Cancer, Hospitals, Stress, Trauma, Solitude, Lack of Time or Energy, the list goes on and on.

My reality was pretty brutal and yet, it’s a season and I am so thankful that seasons change.

This was something that has really hit me over the past few years. When I was a very young mom to 3 very young children, so many of the people I knew, who were my age, didn’t have children, and my perception was that they were doing fun, and exciting things. There were people involved in projects and outreaches and jobs and other worthy and worthwhile endeavors and I…

I was sitting at home alone and miserable. I felt that I was accomplishing nothing. I wiped snotty noses everyday. I wiped bums, everyday. I changed diapers, everyday. I washed dishes, everyday. I put away toys, everyday and I felt like the hugest failure. Everyone out there was “doing something” and I was missing out. I was losing out on so MANY opportunities and I was certain that I was seriously missing out on life. I felt certain that I’d missed my chance to accomplish “my calling”. I thought that I’d lost out on my chance to make a difference in the world or to actually do something exciting and worthwhile.

I’m not saying that Motherhood isn’t worthwhile or that it’s not an amazing opportunity to make a difference in the world. I certainly get to make an awesome impression on my children and that’s HUGE.

But, I was so focused on what I didn’t have that I couldn’t see all that I did have.
Somewhere, somehow, something changed!

Maybe it was losing Nathaniel or maybe it was the 3 years that I had in between losing Nathaniel and having Josiah, but somewhere along the way, my perspective changed. I changed.

I’m in a season and I’m so thankful that season’s change.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that the season that I was in….it only lasts a time. I only have “this chance” to make the most of “this opportunity”. Soon, this opportunity will be gone. I want to “live life”. I want to embrace where I’m at right now. Now, truth be told, I don’t really want to embrace the stage that we’re at. Or maybe I just don’t want to embrace Cancer. I want to embrace Life, though. I want to LIVE in the middle of this stress and chaos. I want to enjoy my husband and my children. I want to make the most of this season that we are in. This season will shape me. It will have influence on who I am and who I become. I want to look back at this time and see the good things. Even in the middle of the garbage, I can choose to find the treasures.

See, I figured that doing the “young kid, snot, poop, mess, meltdown, etc” was horrible and that everyone else had it better than me. I felt like I was missing out on what everyone else was getting to do because I was chained inside my house and tied to these 3 little monkeys. Once I realized that I wanted something so bad (a baby), and I would have given just about anything to have been able to get it…..I started realizing that I had something that other’s would have killed for and I was totally taking it for granted. I was a mom and I know there are women who would have loved to have traded places with me (snot, poop, meltdowns included) and all I could see was the negative aspect of my life and the positive aspect of everyone else’s life.

I slowly came to the realization that “this” is LIFE… Life has both good and bad. I can’t just take one and bypass the other. It’s a package deal.

Whatever season you’re in…If you are feeling like you’ve lost out on some great and amazing things, don’t be discouraged. There are amazing things ahead of you. You will have amazing opportunities. There will be even better opportunities that will come in your life. If you really want to do something….you can work on it, when the timing is right or even just better. Just because you weren’t able to do something right now, does not necessarily mean that you will never get to do it.

This season you are in, it may be a spring. There may be a newness to the season you’re in. There may be a HUGE learning curve, and often when you’re learning new things, it can be challenging. Don’t be discouraged. When the newness gives way to familiarity, there is so much FUN waiting for you. Times to relax and enjoy all the hard work that you put in. Maybe there is some pain and effort involved as the new little buds push through the frozen layer of earth; but the beauty as it all starts to bloom is so worth the effort. Look for the beauty around you and keep going. Keep moving forward. Don’t lose focus of your goal, because you will get there.

Maybe you are in a summer season. Maybe the days are long and hot. Maybe you are getting to relax and enjoy the fruits of your efforts. Maybe there is some tending to the garden of your life so that you can continue to enjoy the fruit of your labour. Keep at it. It may seem tedious, but with a little bit of effort, you will get the enjoy the reward of your effort.

Maybe you are in an autumn season. Maybe things are wrapping up. Maybe there is a sense of things closing up or dying off. Maybe you feel like your time is done and there is a sense of loss or sadness. Maybe you need to prepare for a new season in your life.

Maybe you are in a cold, dark, bleak winter season. Maybe you feel cut off and alone, sitting in the darkness. Maybe you feel that nothing you do flourishes. Maybe you feel the winter is dragging on and on and on and there is no end in sight.

Often the negative overwhelms us and we cannot see beyond our immediate pain, but sometimes, SOMETIMES, if we lift our heads and look beyond our immediate circumstances, we can catch a glimpse of what is in the future. We can catch a glimpse of what may be coming.

Maybe in the middle of the dark, cold days of winter; there is glimpse of the sun. For a few hours, the sun breaks through the darkness and the cold and warms deep into our bones…

It reminds us to carry on.

The seasons will change. Our circumstances will change. What seems overwhelming right now will give way to new challenges and new rewards.

Don’t be discouraged. It won’t stay winter forever. If you can learn to relax and be at peace with where you are at, you will be able to enjoy the new season so much more as it presents it’s challenges and rewards.

I’m looking forward to this season changing, but while it’s here, I want to get everything out of it that I can. I want to learn and grow and develop and change. Some seeds need to experience a deep frost before they can grow and become an amazing source of beauty and blessing. I chose to get all that I can can out of this season, knowing that it’s not forever.

Seasons Change and for that…I’m so thankful!

My Heart is So Very Full

2010 was a rough year and I think that’s putting it mildly.

We had some amazing ups and some really horrific downs. I could try to just focus on the positive things, but some of those positive things would not have happened without the negative things happening first and so it’s all one giant messy tangle of good and bad.

As I (and we as a family) start off this new year and I look back at all that 2010 was…one thing stands out in my mind.

I’m SO THANKFUL.

We would not be in the position that we are without you. You have made these past 6 months bearable. Were it not for you, I’m not sure what kind of shape I’d be in right now.

I’m starting out the New Year closer to a position of strength than I ever thought possible. What do I mean by that???

Well, I have felt so beaten up and bruised and shattered for most of the past 6 months. I think that the shock of Geli being diagnosed with cancer combined with the birth of Judah and our family being thrown into chaos and separated for so often and so long, combined with the stress of Geli being SO sick, while dealing with all the other kids needs and a newborn, along with a Judah’s digestive issues……well, the stress of everything has seemed so overwhelming and I have been really struggling in the last half of this past year.

Because of Angelica’s health, our family has been quite secluded and there have been times that I’ve “felt” so alone. Most of the time I’ve been way to busy just trying to stay on top of the family and house and I’ve not had time to really feel alone, but there are definitely moments….moments when the walls of my house feel way too close and I desperately need to escape and so I…..run to the grocery store to pick something up. That’s so exciting, isn’t it? I’ve not had the energy to actually “go out” or even to just go and sit at a coffee shop. I’ve been too tired to “do” anything and my 15 minutes of grocery shopping about does me in for the evening. I’ve gone to bed at 8:30-9pm more nights than I’ve been awake past then and while I know that dealing with cancer, a newborn and a family of 7 is a fair amount to accomplish in a day….I still end up going to bed feeling so unproductive and unaccomplished.

And this………this is where you all come in.

It’s been rough and I’ve felt overwhelmed and yet……..there you are.

You have given meals. You’ve sent cards and e-mails and letters. You’ve left messages. You’ve brought groceries. You’ve given gift cards. You’ve helped to clean my house. You’ve taken the kids. You’ve brought food and groceries. You’ve left comments. You’ve given financially. You’ve given gifts to my children. You’ve sent notes and cards and postcards to the children. You’ve lifted our spirits. You’ve helped to carry us along when we were too tired to take another step. You’ve come and taken me grocery shopping when I didn’t think I could go. You came and spent New Years Day with us and made it wonderful and made me cry because I thought we were going to be alone and you made it so special. You’ve taken my kids for sleepovers and out for treats. You’ve co-ordinated help and meals for us. You’ve donated your tips to us. You’ve shaved your hair to raise money for us. You’ve prayed for us. You’ve made birthday’s special. You helped us to have an amazing mini-vacation, one that my kids still talk about (even yesterday it was mentioned). You’ve continued to leave comments just to let us know that you are there and are thinking about us….even if I’ve not posted recently. You’ve folded laundry & washed bathrooms and floors. You’ve kept the church running so that we were free to be with our family. You are amazing. There is so much more I’ve not listed here.

This Christmas we were blown away.

We were overwhelmed with love and support. I’ve said that before, but it was so true. I’m so hesitant to start mentioning names or groups because I know that once I start, for sure I will miss some people out and I don’t believe that any gift is unimportant.

I think that we are like a body. Every single part is important. Even something seemingly insignificant as a fingernail…..is important. You really notice how important your fingernail or toenail is when it’s ripped off, don’t you? I’m not saying that you’re a toenail, but that no part is too small or insignificant. No gift has been too small or insignificant. Every single one of you is so important and you have played out YOUR ROLE in our life exquisitely.

We felt waves and waves and waves of love washing over us this holiday season. We felt completely flooded and even overwhelmed with love and support. I sat on the floor one night and just cried because it was so overwhelming, in a good way. As I sat there, it was like a movie played in my mind and all the good things from this past year scrolled through and I was so grateful.

I’m not alone.

I’M NOT ALONE!

That night, those words rang out over and over and over inside my brain. They started as a whisper and grew louder and louder and louder until it was all I could hear. I’M NOT ALONE. I’m so sorry if I’ve not mentioned it before or if I’ve felt so overwhelmed by the negative things in my life that I just couldn’t see it but I’M NOT ALONE!

You’ve been here with me. You are supporting us. You are loving us. You have been here to help us. You are carrying us. You are amazing and I (and we as a family) are not alone.

My heart is so very, very full. Full of thankfulness, full of love, full of the knowledge that we are not alone.

This is an amazing start to 2011 and I am so thankful that you are here sharing it with me.

May your year be full of love and joy and peace and health, & family and friends.

Feeding on Creativity

That post last night comes pretty close to the worst post I’ve written yet. It’s so disjointed, and really has no point, and look….hey…..cookies.

DSC_0007

My coffee table at this exact moment. What does it say to you about me?

In my defense it was late, I had just made way too many fussy cookies, I was watching a show and chatting with Jon about something or other……all the while dreaming about my bed.

See, I probably should have just gone to bed early again, but I’d been in bed and sleeping the previous 3 nights at 9pm and seeing as we “get things done” after the kids go to bed, I’ve been feeling pretty useless and like I’ve accomplished NOTHING. And so I chose to stay up and “get some things done” and posting was on that list.

But, hey, we’ll just go with the fact that I was able to cross one thing off my list. Sometimes, it can be about quantity and not quality, right?

Even I don’t believe that. I’m much more of a quality over quantity type person, myself…..most of the time.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not in a bad way, more that I’ve got a lot of thoughts inside my head and I’ve not had enough opportunity to get them all out of me.

I love to be creative. I love to make things. I love to find things to make my life and my family’s lives more healthy and more beautiful, and easier and more enjoyable and if I can do so in a simple manner, then I get even more excited. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to find the energy or the time to be creative. Recently, I’ve been feeling antsy to be able to make and create and while I think this is a good thing…….. with the chemotherapy, and 5 kids and the back load of stress, it’s a little frustrating and has me wondering if I’m just trying to “escape” from things.

I think that it’s important to do things that “feed” you and over the past 5 months, there’s not been too much time or energy for that, and so I’m trying to make sure that I allow myself some time for things that “feed” me and at the same time I’m trying to make sure that it doesn’t become all consuming.

So far, I’m able to work on some things and then put them aside when I need to focus on the kids and family and then to be able to pick them up again. I feel…..well, as corny as it sounds, I feel more alive. I’m excited to try to accomplish as many of my daily chores and tasks in a decent amount of time, but then to be able to stop and give myself a few moments to be creative. I’m trying to find the balance in all this chaos. Most of the time, it’s easier said than done.

But, with Christmas coming up and gifts to be given…….I’ve chosen to work on gifts to give and I’m pretty excited about some of the ideas that I’ve come up with. Some are old ideas, and some are new, but I get to be creative and so for me……it’s fun!

I love to be able to see what other people make and do. I love to look things that others make because I am always trying to see if I can come up with ideas that I can tweak to be able to make things. I like to be able to use things that I have or that I can obtain easily, so I’m constantly on the lookout for new ideas that are fairly simple. I like simple. I’m not so big into complicated. But I guess that’s all relative, isn’t it? What might be simple for you might be very difficult for me. We are all so individual and each of us have our own unique giftings and skills. That’s what makes this world an amazing place.

Some of the things I’ve made I can share and some I have to keep a secret, but I’m hoping to share a few of my ideas over the next little while and then maybe you can tweak my ideas and use them to create things of your own to give or to keep.

ps. those jam thumbprint cookies in the photo above – gluten, dairy and egg free. I used this recipe and used Vegan Becel instead of butter and Ener-G Egg Replacer instead of eggs. I also added about 3 more Tablespoons of Rice Flour than they called for as the Vegan Becel makes the dough a little oil-ier than normal cookie dough. Try them, they are amazing. Almost like shortbread.

Do You Know?

My Dear Sweet Xandra,

Do you know how special you are?

So Happy

I want to let you know that you are my most precious 2nd daughter and my absolutely favorite Alexandra. There is no one else quite like you. You are my baby girl…..

In the craziness that is our life right now, I want you to know that you are so SO precious to me. You…..YOU……YOU are an AMAZING girl.

I Love you.

I LOVE you.

I love YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

These are some tough times that we are dealing with and I know that often it has you all messed up inside. It’s got me pretty messed up sometimes, too. I’m so sorry that I don’t have the answers that would make it all better or that would make it disappear. I don’t know why this happened to us. I don’t know why this happened to Geli. I don’t know why this has affected our family.

I do know that this sucks and that it’s hard and it’s difficult and that it can be stressful and confusing and a whole bunch of other crazy, crappy things.

Red Riding Hood

You were the most beautiful “fire girl”

even if I did think that you looked like Red Riding Hood

I love it when you come and talk to me about how you’re feeling. It’s okay when your upset or confused or angry. It’s not a problem and I won’t be mad that you’re upset. It’s okay to be upset about this. It’s okay to be upset and angry at cancer. It’s okay to be angry and upset that cancer has affected your sister. It’s okay to be angry and upset that cancer has attempted to destroy your family – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

It’s okay because although it sucks….we choose to stand and believe the truth about ourselves and about this situation.

We are strong!

We are fighters!

We will win this fight!

We will get through this!

We will walk this journey and even though there might be times when we get tired and weary….it’s those times, that God and our family and friends are right there along side of us. They are carrying us when we are too tired and they are cheering us on every time we put one foot in front of the other one.

I’m sorry for all the times when things are chaotic and it seems like we don’t have enough time or energy. Honestly, sometimes we just don’t have enough time or energy, BUT….this is only a season and although it’s a tough one…we’ll get through this. It won’t always be like this….you can count on that.

You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are so SO smart. Sometimes, I think that you are too smart for your own good, and that your emotional and mental reasoning abilities kinda mess you up sometimes. There are not too many 12 year olds that hold and carry and process the emotional side of things as well or even the way you do. It’s awesome and horrible at the same time.

I wish that you were just an ignorant, innocent 12 year old and that the biggest of your problems was in choosing what clothes you were gonna wear tomorrow or trying to figure out how to organize your homework so that it didn’t pile up on you….But you’re not…..

You are learning some wicked tough life lessons at a very young age and although I wish that you weren’t going through this…..

…..the fact of the matter is that we are going through this. You’ve been through a lot in your young life. From when we lost Nathaniel until now….there have been some experiences that are kinda HUGE and could be overwhelming for some people.

In fact, sometimes they “feel” overwhelming if you look at it all as a whole, BUT…..

But I know that in all of “this” that you are gonna grow up to be the most amazing woman.

How do I know this?

It’s because you are the most amazing young lady.

You have such great compassion and love. I will keep encouraging you to forgive and let go of all of the things that could make you bitter and angry and I know that you will do it. I know that it’s not in you to hold on to the “UGLY” but that your heart is geared to hold onto “HOPE”.

You are a JOY to me and to your daddy and to everyone that you come in contact with.

So Silly

Your smile, your sweet spirit, your spark, your silliness….Xandra, you are amazing.

When you feel too tired to take another step….when all the thoughts are whirling around in your head like a raging tornado, when you just feel like you might break into a million pieces, when you don’t know which way is the right way or which end is up or down….come and find me or daddy. Come and curl up on our laps and take all the baggage that is wearing you out and dragging you under and let us carry you for a bit. We’ll hold you. We’ll encourage you and we’ll point you back in the right direction….

That’s what we’re here for. To love you, to encourage you, to hold you…..

We are so proud of the young lady that you are becoming.

Xandra, You are amazing!

So Pretty

Do you know how much I love you, Xandra? I sure hope so. I try to tell you and show you all the time, but just so you hear and read it again and again and again…..

I love you, my sweet girl. You are SO precious to me.

I Love you.

I LOVE you.

I love YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

Silence Filled With Thankfulness

Photo 22
I’m sitting here in the silence of my home. The baby is squirming in his sleep and Angelica is sleeping on the couch across the room from me.

My sister, Michelle, took Xandra camping. My sister, Debbie, took Jeremy camping, and my parents took Siah camping. Yes, they are all camping together. It’s hard being here and not with them…but it is what it is and it’s not forever….again, this is just a season and we will go camping again, hopefully next year!

I should be doing laundry and cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming the upstairs hall and bedrooms, and cleaning the boys room and tidying the kitchen, but I’m not…..I’m just sitting.

Sometimes, you just have to sit and breathe….and I need to do that right now.

Often when I do slow down long enough to think about all of this, I’m struck by how blessed we have been. I think of how much love we’ve been shown by so many. It’s truly awe inspiring.

I’m so thankful to everyone who has helped us and given to us in any measure. We are so grateful to everyone who has in someway shared this “load” with us. There are times that we feel crushed (but not destroyed) under the weight of all of this and when we shift our focus off of how difficult this all is, it’s easier to see that there are so many standing around with us carrying a piece of this or even propping us up. Every meal, every gift card, every package, every gift, every comment, every prayer, every e-mail or Facebook message, every donation, every little thing no matter how big or how small, has truly impacted us.

You are all so kind, thoughtful and generous. Your love comes from near and far and wraps around us and helps to carry us through….and in the silence of today…..I think about you all and I’m so thankful.

A Little Clarity

On Monday night, I verbally diarrhea-ed on here. I hadn’t posted in a while and I wanted to get some of the thoughts swirling in my brain out in the hopes of processing them a bit better.

It doesn’t “fix” anything, but typically, it does help me by making things a bit “clearer”.

I wrote about things being difficult or hard and they are….but I think that the hardest or most difficult thing (for me) is that this is such a long term journey.

It’s not like this will be over in a few days or even a few weeks. We are talking YEARS before this journey is over. The knowledge of that is hard for me.

I try to stay “in the present” and I believe that was something that God led me to over this past year knowing that I would need that piece of wisdom to be able to make it through all of this.

But it is a long term journey and I find the uncertainty of it all to be quite frustrating. We are currently in the second stage of treatment, and after this stage is complete, we have 5 more stages to go over the next 2+ years. Only one of those stages is a repeat of it’s self and so for the second time around that stage, we should know what to expect (except in that repeat stage we have radiation to deal with which adds its own uncertainty and unknowns), but for all the other stages, it’s all new and unknown. The drugs might be ones that she’s had before, but at different doses and with different drugs and there is so much unknown and uncertainty in regards to how Angelica will feel or respond physically and even emotionally and also in regards to the schedule.

I haven’t done so well (in the past) with unknowns and so that makes all of this hard for me.

I like to know.

I like to plan.

I like to organize.

And for this…..I can’t. I can’t even say what the calendar is going to look like because although we know what schedule we are following, the schedule can be delayed by low counts and then everything is once again off…..

This makes “planning” things difficult and any of you who know me, know that I LOOOOOOOVE to plan. So to feel so out of control makes all of this even more difficult.

For example, It’s Josiah’s 3rd birthday today, and looking at the calendar and the schedule of Geli’s meds and this week is a bad time to try to plan a party for him. Geli might be feeling okay this weekend, but her counts put her at risk and so it would be better to plan a party for him in a few weeks when her counts should be high….but, that might not be the case….her counts might still be low or….worse case scenario…she might be in the hospital. That’s not something we’re wanting or hoping or even really planing for, but it is within the realm of “possibility” and that uncertainty is something that I find difficult.

I can look at this whole situation know that one summer, one fall, one winter, and one spring of huge uncertainty followed by a few years of a little bit more known schedule is really not that big of a deal in the “grand scheme of life”. We can do that. It’s not THAT big of a deal and it will come and pass quickly.

For example, I can’t believe that Josiah is three years old. I remember waiting for him to be born and now here we are three years later….time passes by so fast….

But to be sitting in the middle of it all is difficult. It feels so intense and pressured and so SO tiring.

THAT is what weighs on me….and being able to talk about it helps a little. It doesn’t make anything better or take any of the “difficult-ness” away but some of the pressure of it all feels a bit uncorked and eased when I talk about how I’m feeling.

Thanks for your encouragement and comments that let us know that we’re not alone and that you’re thinking of us and praying for us. This is a bit of a weird and lonely time and yet, I know that it’s only a season and that each step further down this road takes us one step closer to victory, freedom and a whole new “normal”.