Category: Deep Thoughts

The Long Cry Home (this one’s all about me)

I drove away from the hospital yesterday afternoon bawling.

I had my newborn along with me in the back of the van, a freak load of stuff that we’d collected over the week and half that we’d already been in the hospital, my labor and delivery bag and Judah’s new born bag…..oh, and WAY TOO MUCH GARBAGE on the floor of the van…..not cool!

The baby was crying and I was crying, the weather was grey and icky and it almost matched my mood. Had it been raining hard – the scene woulda been straight out of a movie.

We’ve been through some tough stuff in our lives, and I’m not sure if it’s the combination of everything or just the immediacy of it all, but honestly, this feels like the worst thing that we’ve gone through….even tougher than losing Nathaniel or having Chris almost die……

I’ve never questioned the “Why’s” before, but I’ll admit that it’s been harder and harder to push those thoughts from my head.

I’m doing better today than I was yesterday, but this is not easy.

I think I knew in my heart that the likely hood of us all going home together was steadily declining, but I hoped….OH HOW I HOPED. I was so grateful to the hospital for allowing me to stay over Saturday night, as I really needed that extra day to prepare myself to leave the hospital by myself…..I wasn’t really acknowledging that was our reality, but I think that somewhere deep down in side me – I knew…..

And…..it sucked every bit as bad as I knew it would…..

Photo 25

Life’s not always easy or happy but we carry on….

You don’t have a baby and expect to spend the first 3 days mostly by yourself…….knowing that every time you selfishly want your husband with you that it means that your other baby is then alone. Or the rest of the time sitting in a room in the Oncology ward watching your firstborn puking after being filled with life saving poison…….. This whole motherhood thing…while some parts of it come easy to me – other parts are so SO difficult. I want to be with Geli. I want to comfort her. I want to help her. I am her mother. I am in tune with her. I know when she’s hurting and trying to suck it up and right now……I’m an hour away from her and can’t do ANYTHING. But, being with her means that I’m leaving my other babies who are not doing so well with all of this either, and so I have to make the worse choices….I have to choose…..Sometimes, having to make choices……SUCKS!

We are all on edge and hurting and confused and nothing about this is easy.

Xani lost it hard last night. Which was AWESOME and horrid. And to be honest….I envy her the meltdown. I want to scream and wail and fall apart and yet I’m scared that if I do – I won’t be able to pull myself back together to be there for the kids and Jon and Geli and we still have a ways to go until we are re-united as a family and until then…..I’m holding down the fort over here and….well….I’m not even sure where to go with this……

I’m upset.

I keep thinking that Jon is going to be missing our son’s first month of life. I wonder if I’m strong enough to handle all of this on my own. I lean so heavily on Jon for so many things. I miss him so bad. I hate not being there for Geli. I hate feeling so all over the place like this. I feel SO EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE.

I cried and whimpered my way home from the hospital, but as I rounded the corner to our street, a HUGE WAILING SOB tore itself from the core of me….the sheer intensity of it scared me and I was too close to home to allow it all to escape and so I stuffed it back down….unhealthy I know, but it is coming out…..I’d probably do better to just go for it, but for now….I’m leaking it out.

For those who prayed for me yesterday, I was able to hold it together while at the hospital in front of Geli, but she’s not a stupid kid….we were all a bit bummed yesterday.

And today, I acknowledge what I felt yesterday. I know I still need to process through some of the tough, core emotions, but I’m trying to stay present…..even minute by minute if necessary. We had to do this with Xandra this morning…..don’t look at the whole day, just the next task on the list….just make your lunch and then we’ll see how you’re feeling…..then eat breakfast and we’ll re-evaluate the whole idea of going to school this morning after that……and taking things minute by minute (and after a good conversation with Daddy) she headed off to school this morning…..and that is a little how my day is going too.

Right now I’m using this as a bit of therapy….being able to take all those thoughts in my head and acknowledge them, write them out and then try to let them go.

Then I need to make a list of things I need around the house and then figure out what to send to Geli.

Then I’m going to look at my e-mail inbox….that thought alone is scary…..let alone actually tackling the actual task. (Your support has been amazing by the way, and I am am so SO thankful).

After that….well, Jeremy has a play at school that I need to go to, and then we’ll just see…..One minute at a time, if necessary.

(I have a bit of a disclaimer for any who might have started reading recently. I’m honest – for the most part – on this website. By the phrase – …..honest, for the most part – I mean that I don’t share everything that goes on in our lives. I’m open about a lot of things, but by no means are any of the posts on this website a clear indication of EVERYTHING that is going on in our lives or inside my head space. It’s a “piece” of the whole….a glimpse of who I am and what I’m going through and by extension, who our family is and what they are going through. I’m sharing bits of myself with you and I’m not unwise. This is a tough time in my life and I’m expressing some of what I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I’m very aware of my mental health and although I seem to be a bit emotionally unstable at this exact moment, I will continue to monitor where I’m at and to listen to my close family and health care professionals regarding my mental health. I’m not asking for advice or input in this area. I’m merely allowing a piece of the trauma and pain of this time in our lives to be open and “out there”. I will be okay. I am okay. Please don’t feel that it’s your job to carry me. I am carried through this and we will make it through this. I know this.

I know that I know that I know that I know….that we will make it through this….sometimes, in life, our feelings don’t always line up with the knowledge that lives in the very core of our being and sometimes you just need to acknowledge the pain and hurt so that you can then, let it go.

This space is an amazing place for me. I can process. i can vent. I can share information. I can be silly. I can be happy or sad…..this website is just a glimpse or a small extension of myself……I’m happy to let you be a part of this, but if you are wondering how to “help me”……I’ll just let you know that your love, support, care, encouraging words…mean so much. You don’t have to fix me…..or make me aware of where I’m at…..I promise. I have ones to do that for/with me. The biggest thing you can do is to love and encourage….and you have done so MARVELOUSLY! For that, I thank you! I don’t know if you’ll ever know the full extent that your love and care, support and encouragement have helped. I read and re-read your comments. They come in at the perfect time and sometimes inspire tears or laughter……but always comfort and love.

Thank you so much for walking along side of me (and us) as we travel this road and although it seems to feel at times like we are walking on loose gravel, I know that the shoes I’m wearing are more than adequate to be able to handle the terrain on this road and that irregardless, I have many hands to grasp onto should I feel tired or like I’m stumbling.

Once again, I say……

Thank You!

You are amazing!)

Just a Tad Off…

I’ll get to the 35 week post soon enough.

This has been a bit of weird week for me.

I’ve felt a bit insecure this past week and I really don’t know why?

By insecure, I mostly mean unsafe or unsure or just not quite as confident or strong or “on top of things” as I normally feel.

I just wanted to retreat and pull back inside myself and my house and just “be”.

And so mostly, I did just that.

I did go into work on Tuesday and plowed through an unbelievable amount of work which was great, but by the time we called it a day – I WAS EXHAUSTED!!!

And then……that makes me feel so….so….well, I end up feeling like I’m failing or less than adequate or something.

I try to put in all into perspective. I’m 8 months pregnant with my 5th kid and I’m working and trying to stay on top of everything. We are eating regular dinners, the laundry is caught up, the house is tidy-ish, I’m exercising 4.5 hours a week and we are all happy and healthy.

Wanna know what I did during my other pregnancies???

I existed! I slept! Not even kidding you…..I woke up EXHAUSTED! I barely stayed awake until the kids went for their nap at noon and if needs be, I’d sleep on the floor of their room in front of the door to block them in, just so I could get a nap myself. Then I’d wake up (sort of) and throw something together for dinner and I’d count down the minutes until 7pm when it was bedtime because that meant that I could go back to bed……sometimes, I wouldn’t even make it to their bedtime and I’d go to bed early and leave Jon to put them to sleep.

Yah, pregnancy has seriously kicked my butt!

So, in perspective…….I’m doing pretty good, right?

But, it doesn’t always feel that way. And for whatever reason, this week has been harder than others.

I did manage to cross a few things off my “Getting Ready for Baby” List and that typically makes me feel better, but right now I’m so scattered (my usually computer like brain is acting like it has a wicked virus) that I can’t mentally see a picture of what still needs to be done versus all that has been done and well……that just feels like another kick when I’m already down.

I’ve got a month left. I can do this. I know I can.

I will make it through. One day at a time!

And soon, when I’m holding my baby, this will all feel different. It’s just a matter of time.

Reality Bites or does it???

I woke up yesterday morning COMPLETELY DISORIENTED.

I had no idea what day it was or what was I was supposed to be doing that day.

It took me a while to process through that I didn’t think it was Saturday or Sunday, but I wasn’t totally certain. I wondered if it was Thursday or Friday……but that just didn’t feel right. I finally figured out that I needed to get up and get ready for work and yet at that point, I still wasn’t sure what day we were at and I was getting more and more concerned at how “out of it” I was.

When I think back now, I had a great day on Monday and yet……..I couldn’t believe that when I woke up I was so unclear on my day’s and even worse, I couldn’t remember conversations that I had with Jon the night before. (I did remember them after being prompted, just not right away.)

I’m still not sure what the deal was – I do know that continuing on (at work) I had a bit of rough morning, feeling spacey and not “on the ball” like I usually am.

I’m taking this as a sign that I do need to slow things down. As much as I’d like to believe…..I’m not a superwoman and I really can’t do everything. REALITY BITES, eh?

Even without this little “moment” I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…..contemplative thinking, if you will.

I’m headed back into some an intense “Mothering Role” time and it’s got me thinking about all the things that I will be gaining and on the flip side of that all the things I’ll be losing.

Having a 13 year old daughter (that I adore) puts some of this into perspective, but there is still the excitement mixed with the feeling or sense of loss.

See, I’ve (for the most part) LOVED working for the past year and 4 months and in a few short weeks all of the sense of accomplishment and gratification of seeing things come together (in the work environment) to work and flow smoothly will be gone.

At that point, I focus a majority of my energy and attention more on raising my infant, 2 year old, 9 yr old, 11 yr old and 13 yr old. (Wow, that sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it?)

While the raising of the children could be considered the noblest of jobs, I will be the first to admit that
it can take a while to “see” your efforts pay off and that delayed sense of accomplishment can be really discouraging. I look back now at the years spent investing in Angelica, Xandra, and Jeremy and I can see glimpses of the teenagers/adults they will become. I can see some of their strengths and some of their weaknesses and I look forward to the process of building deeper relationship with them where I can help to influence who they become and hopefully release them off into the world fully equipped with the skills needed to be amazing successful adults and contributing members of society. And yet……it’s a process and it takes YEARS. It’s not the same as looking back at your work week and seeing what you’ve managed to do and finish. And…..to be honest, there are time when that is so, SO gratifying.

I’m thrilled that I have the perspective of the past 13 years to look back on and to know that my efforts do pay off and to also know that this is a season and that I can relax and enjoy this time and not resent the days or times when it “feels” like I’ve accomplished nothing important.

I’m looking forward to my house being cleaner (that’s one thing that suffers some when I’m working), to meals being ready more on time, to being at home when the older 3 are finished school, to baking more, to being on top of laundry and grocery shopping, but mostly, I’m looking forward to spending more time with my kids.

This is the thing that excites me the most about this time.

I love my children and I enjoy the time that I spend with them. Okay, there are times when I just wanna send them away, but I choose to look at it as fostering a sense of independence, right??? (You can put a positive spin on almost anything if you try hard enough.) No, it’s not all a giant bed of roses, but I have this opportunity to focus on my job as a Mother and as much as I do feel a sense of loss regarding my status as a member of the “workforce”; I’m also so excited to be able to get back into a rhythm or groove with my kids and my home.

It’s going to take some time and I can see a definite adjustment period as we all learn to work with and around another personality joining us, but it’s going to be good, right?

Beginnings and Endings

I’ve been thinking a lot recently.

I’ve processed through the shock that we are going to be the parents of 5 children and am waiting expectantly for the day when we finally get to meet this little one.

I’m also aware that barring some miracle this will be our last baby…the last time that I’m pregnant…the last labour and delivery…..there are so many lasts…..and yet in the middle of all of those “lasts” or “endings”…..I’ve come to realize that every time one stage passes, another one starts.

I’m currently at the stage where I’m finishing the second trimester and entering the third one.

First Trimester

I was so much in shock and not really sure what to think. I was dealing with a lot of stress and concerns that others would think that we were crazy – when really what does it matter what others think. I thought that I had dealt fairly well with that issue and BLAM! Apparently it’s something that I needed and still need to process a bit more. I was SO sick, and not just with pregnancy related nausea and vomiting, but literally sick, first with the H1N1 and then with every cough, cold and virus imaginable. It made October, November and December very VERY crappy months. I was also SO TERRIFIED that I might lose this baby. I really didn’t want to deal with another loss and at times the fear and accompanying stress were overwhelming. Honestly, I was so glad to be out of the first trimester. I really didn’t spend a lot of time enjoying that time. Which, in hindsight, I regret, BUT….honestly, I was just trying to survive and I recognize that and can have grace for myself.

Second Trimester

I was still sick (pregnancy related) for most of this time, but I was able to process through to a place that the excitement and expectancy of waiting to meet our sweet baby overshadows the possibility of loss. I do still struggle with the possibility of losing this baby and the fear that loss inspires, but for the most part I’m okay. I have felt more energetic during these past couple of months and was finally able to accomplish more than I had been able to at the end of last year.

We still have not told everyone that we know that we are expecting and although I feel that it’s more noticeable that I’m pregnant – I still get the odd sideways glances that let me know that someone is unsure and just too polite to ask. Seriously, who wants to be the person who asks if you’re pregnant only to find out that you’ve just gained a few pounds (AHEM – 9 pounds so far, to be exact – AHEM!!).

27 weeks

We took this picture yesterday morning.

Here is a shot from a side view…..sorta……I need to get a better side shot, I know.

27 weeks side-ish

There are so many beginnings and endings happening around me or maybe I’m just more aware of this concept right now.

My baby will no longer be my baby…..but he will always be my miracle.

I’ll never be pregnant again and will never get to feel the amazing feeling of my baby moving inside of me BUT…….I will never have to deal with the constant nausea that pregnancy seems to bring to me.

My first baby is going to be a teenager in just a few days and I’ll get to deal with the challenges of walking her through the transition times from being a child to becoming an adult. For the record, I’m looking forward to it, not fearing it. She’s a great kid and will become a great adult.

I’ll have a teenager and a newborn…..how interesting will that be?!?

My oldest son who was my baby for the longest time will now be firmly entrenched in his position as the middle child of the family.

I will go all the way back to parenting a newborn, when we are currently walking through the toddler phase and into the child phase….regardless of the fact that I’m headed back to the baby phase, Siah is still barreling towards the child stage of his life.

Beginnings and Endings…..they are everywhere.

Jon and I will no longer be parents of 4 kids and the challenges and blessings that brings, but now we will be navigating through life as parents of 5 kids while still finding time to invest in ourselves and in our relationship…..should be interesting.

I love that I can let go of the stage or phase or age that is passing by me and grasp firmly a hold of the one presenting itself to me. I don’t have to rush or strive to get there. I can just enjoy every stage as it comes and the ones that I find that I struggle more with….well, I know that it will pass and that each new stage will bring it’s own set of challenges and blessings.

I get to take the good with the bad and just relax and breath and enjoy every moment. These moments pass by all too fast and you rarely get the opportunity to give it a second chance in exactly the same way.

Knowing this has really helped me when I am feeling stressed or pressured. I can repeat to myself, “This too shall pass!” and just knowing that I won’t be “stuck” in any particular phase or stage forever has helped me to be able to “chill out”……most of the time!!! I’m still human, eh?!?

I’m just trying to enjoy each day and what that day brings whether it be good or bad…it’s all a part of the journey and what makes life special and unique for me.

To the Very Core of Me

We had a pretty good day yesterday.

We skipped out on a Fundraising Pot-Luck after church to just have some family time. I did bring a main dish as our contribution, so I didn’t feel bad about skipping out.

It’s one of those things that some people just don’t understand, but I am learning to just deal with the idea that not everyone understands the choices that we as a family make. The even bigger point in all of that (for me) is that it’s not necessary for others to understand what we do or why we do it. The fact of the matter is – we are called to live our lives the best way that we see fit for us and that we choose to allow others the grace to make the best decisions for themselves – WITHOUT judgment!

I can try to explain our thinking in it all….if anyone cares. This is not about justifying our decisions, but about communicating what our choices are and why we’ve made those choices in case any of these choices or the reasons for these choices can help others with decisions they have to make.

When Nathaniel died, it affected all of us (minus Siah as he obviously wasn’t alive yet). The kids were old enough to know that a baby brother was coming (yes we had found out it was a boy) and were aware enough to know that something bad had happened and then to be devastated when told that their baby brother had died.

They were aware of the next three times that I got pregnant (I have not had easy pregnancies – read that as barfing my brains out and overwhelming tiredness….and after we lost Nathaniel, throw in a measure of depression just for fun) and equally as aware every time something went wrong and we had another loss.

We spent a lot of time together. We understood each other and what we were going through (age appropriately, of course) and the grieving process hit each of us differently. We all walked the road of Grief at different paces and in very different ways. Some of us talked, some of us shut it all inside, some of us exploded, some of us wore it on our sleeves, some of us journal-ed, some of us lost ourselves in work, some of us colored elaborate pictures, some of us wrote poetry……In some ways, we are all still processing.

In December 2009, just before Christmas, Xani came up to me and wanted to know what we were going to do about Nathaniel’s birthday. See, 5 years later and unprovoked – she is thinking about that day and Nathaniel and his death. I think what made this year really stand out is that “things have changed”. We’ve moved. We don’t live in the house that we did back then. We don’t even live in the same city that we did. So now, all those things that we did as traditions to remember and celebrate his place in our family……(from a child’s perspective) what happens to them?

I’m an adult. I can see that while we might do things in different locations, the most important thing is to remember and celebrate. But for a child……things have changed and what do we do now? The lack of knowledge can exacerbate the whole “out of control” helpless feeling. And that’s not fun for anyone, including children…..

Our tradition has always been to go to a restaurant and get breakfast together (even if it’s for lunch), then we go and buy a helium balloon per person and write personal messages from us to him. We always went to this one particular park to release them and we would watch until we could no longer see them in the sky. Then, we’d just spend the rest of the day together. There have been lots of tears some years, and less tears other. There has been laughter and just living in the moment. Embracing every emotion that comes and accepting it as normal. These have always been good days. Good days to remember and to celebrate a little life that had such a HUGE IMPACT in so many ways and all without ever having taken a breath. What a legacy to leave behind for such a tiny little person.

This year, January 24th fell on a Sunday and so we went to church, but skipped out on the lunch after to just go and be “us”. We went and got breakfast for lunch and fielded a bunch of questions from the kids about how and where the rest of the day would take place. We went out and got some balloons and brought them home to write our personal messages on them. Jon and I had thought about this one park close to us, but as we pulled out of our driveway, one of the kids suggested another park close by and all the kids seemed to really like that suggestion and so we turned right instead of turning left and headed out.

It is important to us to remember. It is important to us to allow our kids to process the loss of a sibling. Even in their own ways. I remember how shocked I was to find a poem written last year by one of my daughters about her fears of losing another one of her siblings. The pain and fear expressed in that poem was so raw and real and I know that she is still processing through the grief.

This is real to my kids. Heck, this is too real even for me. I can’t count the number of times that I flashed back to that day and the absolute emptiness, the nothingness that I felt and all the while feeling this horrible crushing pain that literally took my breath away.

It’s so hard to even try to put it to words how I felt, and yet I relived it often yesterday.

I kept pulling up Nathaniel’s picture on my Blackberry just to see that one more glimpse of my son.

We make the best decisions that we can for us. And as long as I can be content knowing that it was the best decision that I could make for me individually and for us corporately, then it doesn’t matter who “gets” it or who doesn’t.

What matters is that we had a day that we needed, together as a family. A day to remember, to celebrate, to heal, to process, to love, to laugh, to cry (if needs be)….we had each other!

In the end, nothing else matters.

2010 – The Year of……..

Okay, so I’ve still not gotten around to editing my Christmas Photo’s but hopefully soon…….

And one quick thing about my post from yesterday – Every word I said was directed at me, to me, by me, for me and had nothing to do with you. What I mean by saying that is that I don’t care if you LOVE Facebook or if it’s a great place for you to connect with all your family and long lost friends or if that is how you choose to spend your free time or if it’s your hobby or whatever. What you choose or decide to do with your time is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY UP TO YOU, and I am making absolutely NO JUDGMENTS on you or on anyone else as to how they spend their time. I chose to delete my account because Facebook was not something that I was passionate about and yet it called to me from time to time and sucked me in and I hated that. So, just so that we’re clear. No Judgment on you…..just simplifying for me. Good? Good!

Dominos

Now that all of that is out of the way, I’d like to talk about this New Year.

I’ve seen on more than one blog the concept of choosing a word to define your year, and the more I thought about it….the more I liked the idea.

I have read in a lot of different places how 2009 was seen as a horrible year for many for a variety of different reasons. While the last quarter of 2009 is a little fuzzy or blurry in my mind, there are so many good things that have happened to us last year and I don’t resent 2009 at all.

January – We started part-time at the Life Center.
February – Does Valentine’s Day count???
March – Get Away to Harrison Hot Springs
April – My Oldest Baby turned 12
May – Approved For Mortgage
June – Bought our First Home
July – Moved into our First Home & Celebrated 14th Anniversary
August – Family Holiday to Whistler
September – Kids Love New School
October – Swine Flu (Hmmmm this one might not be a positive, eh?)
November – More with the plague….
December – Christmas counts, right? Actually we’re on Full time at Life Center, now.

So, see….2009 was actually pretty good to us.

Looking forward, I have a GREAT feeling about 2010. I think that this year is going to be an amazing year for us. I originally thought about the word HOPE….there are so many aspects to this word that I think apply and really would be great for our family, BUT……it just didn’t sit completely perfectly with me.

The longer I thought about it, the word I was most excited about was….

EXPECTATION

Here are some definitions of expectation, expectancy and expect….

1. anticipation, hope
2. that which is looked or waited for with interest
3. the feeling that something is about to happen
4. looking forward to something about to happen
5. to regard something as probably or likely

Having just come through Christmas and being able to watch my kids on Christmas morning while they HOPED for certain things was amazing. To see the EXPECTATION on their faces as they waited for a present to be handed to them, and them to see the EXCITEMENT that the ANTICIPATION of finally getting to open that present brought to them was……well, it was tangible. You could feel it in the air and in the energy that they exuded as they wiggled and bounced and finally in their cheer when they RECEIVED something that they had HOPED for.

I just have this feeling that 2010 is going to be a great year. I am confident that good things are going to happen. I can’t explain exactly what I mean by this, but I believe that this year will be full of excitement, blessing, health (I’m throwing that one in there…the power of positive speech and all), stability, etc….I just really feel like we’re going to be able to look back on 2010 and say to ourselves, “WOW! What an AMAZING year!”

I’m really looking forward to this new year and also to living up to the word “EXPECTATION”. I want to expect good things from life. I want to teach my kids to expect good things. I’ll also teach them to deal with the rough things that come along the way, but you can learn to see the silver lining in the middle of all of those dark stormy rain clouds that might come your way. I want to be a person who sees the positive in things FIRST, and to not have my first response always be a pessimistic one. I want to learn to HOPE a little more than I currently do.

I want that child-like EXPECTATION not only in my life, but EVIDENT in my life.

I’m excited to see what this new year brings and I’m expecting that I’ll be able to look back and be so pleased with how things turned out when all is said and done.

Simplifying and Cutting Back

I deleted my Facebook Account yesterday.

It was terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

See, I hate Facebook! Well, hate might be too strong a word, but I’ve disliked Facebook almost since the day that I signed up.

And why did I sign up for something that I didn’t really like, even at the time?

Good Question?

My honest answer, “Because everyone else was doing it!”

Apparently I’m just a lemming.

I hate getting notifications of group invitations and knowing who’s got a fish tank or who is playing Farmville or who is as sexy as Edward Cullen. I don’t want to know what type of personality you are or to even have friend suggestions for people I don’t know.

It was ego boosting to have people “friend” me at the beginning, but then there were people that I didn’t want to necessarily be “found” by and then what? Do I accept them? Do I reject them? or do I ignore them? It gets messy! I hate messy!

In the end, Facebook was a place where I felt like I was stalking. Ya know, signing in to see what everyone else was up to without ever contributing to the “Facebook world” and really….that’s just HUGE waste of my personal time and so…..POOF! I’m no longer there. Which for me means…..no more time wasted ((cough)on that site!(cough))

I do still have my Twitter account and really that was the only part of Facebook that I really liked (the status updates) and although I haven’t twitted/tweeted (Whatever!!!)…..I haven’t posted a tweet in a while…..I’m hoping that I can – figuratively – OOOOMPH my tired behind off the couch that it’s been parked on and get back to seeing the funny side of life.

I love to update the silly stuff my kids say. For example, Siah pulled this one outta the air the other day.

“Yesterday, I was younger than J.J.”

He’s two, people, how does he even know what “yesterday” means let alone that he was younger. It was all used properly in context and was said as if now, NOW, he was much older than Jeremy.

Obviously we have an incorrect grasp on age, but still….so SO cute coming from his little tiny voice piping outta the back seat of the van and said to no one in particular (he was chattering to himself while we were driving)!

Anyway, anyone who really needs to contact me has my e-mail address or else, we’re not really that close, are we?

I’ll admit, it did feel a bit like I was cutting myself off from a huge section of the world, but really…..am I leaving a part of the world? or am I taking a step forward into my reality?

Questions? Questions?

Only time will tell…………

Breaking the Slump…

It’s been over a month….about a month…..just under a month….I dunno. It’s been a while.

I’ve come to this page so many times over the past few weeks and stared at it blankly – not sure what to say or where to start. It’s unreal how easy it can be to get “out of the habit” of writing. I have wondered if I’m just in a weird space or maybe just in a different place. Maybe I’m not needing this place……or maybe I need this place more than ever and I’m avoiding something that I need the most….I dunno.

A Ghost of MyselfI want to write here. I think about this space all the time. I open up my browser and look at the last entry and think about how guilty I feel that life is flying passed me and I’m not recording any of the details of it and that I’m going to regret that someday. I hate living life with regrets. I think about how I love being able to come here and say what I want….when I want to…about what I want. And then………I’m so tired and feel like whatever I have/want/need to say requires more effort than just not saying anything and so I do nothing. The words and thoughts are all still there…..but just running around inside my brain all messed up. It’s about as awesome as it sounds.

The end of 2009 has been fairly rough for me.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a sick person….and yet….I have been sick for what feels like FOREVER!

I got sick back in the beginning of October with what I’m certain was the swine flu and then basically since then my immune system has been shot. I’ve had one cough/cold/snot thing going on after another after another after another. I’ve had anywhere from 2 days to (I think the longest time of feeling well was) a week of respite, but other than that…its been one nasty germ filled fall/winter and it has completely taken me out mentally/emotionally and more certainly physically.

I’m SO looking forward to this whole “Flu Season” being over and to the warmth and brightness of the summer months. Unfortunately I have about 5-6 months until that season rolls around and as much as I’d like to cocoon myself and my family until then….it’s not possible and so – we soldier on.

I’d like to say that I’m gonna post more but I’m also horrified of lying to myself and to any of the 5 people left reading this sorry excuse for a place on the ‘NET. So, we’ll just leave it at……I’m hoping to FORCE myself to recap the holiday’s (’cause I know that’s EXACTLY what you were hoping I’d talk about, eh? But I promise that I’ll share some pics….aren’t pics worth it?) and maybe…just possibly…….I might be able to drum up the energy to bust myself outta this “slump of silence” and get back with my regularly scheduled blatherings.

I can hope right?!?

Neglect and Terror

I’ve badly neglected this “blog” of mine. Things have been busy around here and my life has felt at times like it had a mind of it’s own. It’s not true, of course, and we’ve made some choices that have led us into being this busy and we know that it’s only for a time and well, of all the things that could get neglected and still be around to come back to when things settled down…..this was the one thing that ended up “giving”.

I’m not exactly certain that I have a ton more time right now, but I’m gonna try because this is a great place for me to get my thoughts out. I’ve found that when I can get things in my life out here, that I can organize and keep my brain “clean and clutter free”. Things get out of hand mentally for me when I allow everything to become one giant mess of spaghetti all tangled up inside my brain. It’s much better to just sort things out and this seems to be a great place for me to do that.

It’s also a place to share funny or amusing things about our family and kids. It’s a great way to share “those amusing little stories” with my family without having to repeat the story 45 times. (Yes, I am from a big family.)

For example, this past weekend – we were terrorized. (Understand that I’m using the word “terrorized” with creative license and that while it wasn’t terror, I was definitely scared by the behaviour exhibited toward us. In my opinion, it was completely uncalled for, after all, we’re nice people. {Even bigger issue, no one should be treated like this, in my opinion})

On Saturday afternoon, we decided to run out to the store to pick a few things up. Xandra wanted to go to her friends house to “practice” for a debate they are having soon. We hadn’t dropped her off at this friends house before and so we had her get the address for us.

We piled into the car and drove off. We drove through an intersection, up over an overpass and right at the bottom of the overpass there were 3 guys in yellow safety vests standing in a huddle chatting. Jon briefly glanced at the paper with the address on it. We needed to turn left at either the next street or the one just after it.

This tough looking cop with an old gnarled face and a nasty sneer forcefully steps out in front of our van points directly at us and with one finger motions us over to the pull out off of the side of the overpass. I am literally shocked, because I can’t for the life of me figure out what we could have possibly done wrong, and his face and body language say that we are in “SERIOUS TROUBLE!”

We are ANAL about the kids being in their car seats and about everyone wearing their seat belts. We don’t have lights out or anything wrong with the van……I cannot fathom why we have just been pulled over.

This cop stomps over to Jon’s side of the van, aggressively leans into the window and with an angry voice demands his license and registration. Jon gets them with a “Yes, Sir” and hands them over politely. The cop roughly takes them from Jon and says that he’ll be back.

He walks over to the other 2 cops who are standing around and chats for a minute. Then he walks over to his vehicle, gets in and I assume checks Jon’s driving record.

He comes back within 5 minutes. I’m still shocked and confused and wondering what we’ve done and how the crap we are going to pay for whatever we are gonna get charged for because this guy obviously has it out to “get” someone.

He walks over to the van a COMPLETELY different person. Almost sheepishly, he grins at Jon and hands him his license and registration back. As he does, he says…..”Do you know that you have a PERFECT driving record?” Jon smiles and says, “Yes, Sir! Yes, I do.” The cop is all smiles and nice and being almost friendly with us. He reaches across Jon to hand me his business card. He mentions that he has the right to write Jon a $385 ticket for “Driving without Due Care and Attention“, and that he legally has a year to write the ticket. He then goes on to say that he expects Jon to take the family out to a dinner to the place of my choosing because we won’t possibly eat more than $385 at a restaurant and that is what Jon has to do as “punishment” for his crime. If he doesn’t, then I am to call and he’ll write Jon a ticket.

INSANE!

Then he sends us on our way with a cheerful admonishment that in the future, Jon should let me look at the paper and he should stick to driving.

I honestly think that he looked at Jon and judged that he was a punk. Jon was wearing a hoody and his jean jacket. He looks like he’s mid to late 20’s and had a bandanna on to pull his hair back. It was amazing to see how the cops behaviour changed once he looked at Jon’s record.

I am still shocked at how wild the personality change was from the initial aggressive scare tactic behaviour to the friendly, almost cheerful banter he left us with.

Even though the outcome was not bad, the whole situation left a bad taste in my mouth. Why could he not just have been polite the whole way through? Regardless of whether or not Jon had a perfect driving record or not, Why did everything change after he saw Jon’s record. Jon briefly glanced at a sheet of paper for an address. He was able to see the cops. He was able to assess the situation. He saw the cop step out in front of him. He didn’t even have to jerk the brakes to slow down. He was in control and we were all safe 100% of the time. We weren’t tailgating the guy in front of us nor were we driving too slow and putting the people behind us at risk.

It was a very weird situation and one I’m hoping that we NEVER repeat.

One day it might be funnier than it feels now, and yet – there are aspects of it all that I don’t find funny in the slightest and I don’t think that I ever will. I hold it as a high value to treat others with respect and this felt so absurdly disrespectful in so many ways.

Focusing on an Attitue of Gratitude

I know that it’s late and that Thanksgiving is over, but seeing as I was sick through the weekend – I figure that I got a little extra time….and really, who needs an excuse to be thankful, REALLY???

Recently, I read this…

Picture 1

and it really struck me.

Only shortly after reading it (while I was feeling like death warmed over and stuck at home alone left to care for two children, the 11 yr old, who was sick and the 2 yr old, who was not sick…..I know, poor me!) Xandra dumped a bag of popcorn – by accident – all over the kitchen floor.

This flashed back into my thoughts and I realized that I had a choice as to how I was going to view this situation.

I could be SO annoyed and angry that she did this and that now I had to clean a huge mess when I was already feeling cruddy and the baby was just getting into everything and spreading mess everywhere and everything hurts, especially to move and this required a lot of moving and bending and extreme head ache-y-ness and my mood could have just spiraled down so that I ended up feeling even worse than I already did. If I was feeling particularly bad, I could grouch loudly at Xandra and make her feel even worse than she already did…maybe I could even make her cry….see it could just be an all round amazing situation…..

Or, I could realize that it really wasn’t that big of a deal and not only did I get to spend some extra time with my daughter, but we were in no hurry and had tons of time to clean the mess up AND….I got a clean floor out of it all.

I CHOOSE to grab a hold of the second option and felt a lot better than if I had gone with Option A.

I’ve found myself over the past couple of days with time to think and seeing as life has drastically slowed down for me this week – what with me being sick and all – I’ve had lots of time to think about this whole “attitude of gratitude” thing.

It is amazing what can happen when you choose to focus on the positive in any situation.

Siah poked a pencil into my BRAND NEW LEATHER OTTOMAN…13 times ….and I wanted to cry. I called Jon, and whimpered quietly into the phone. After I got off the phone, I thought to myself, “Really, what is the good in this situation?” it took a bit of thinking, and what I came up with was that now it’s had it’s first “child wounding” and unless you really look for the holes, you can’t see it and well, really in the grand scheme of things it’s not the hugest deal AND I got to talk to Siah a bit more about treating things with respect (“being nice” – in 2 year old language).

I could have been angry and yelled at him and been annoyed for the rest of the day, but I choose to focus on the positive and not to dwell on the negative. It was amazing.

I have caught myself multiple times feeling grouchy and annoyed that I feel SO CRAPPY, but instead of wallowing in my own personal dimension of hell, I’ve focused on the fact that I’m having a quiet week. I’ve stepped off the crazy train of life and have been able to cocoon inside my home and rest. I’m able to rest…..that right there is amazing. Aside from the feeling crappy part, oh, and the part where I still have 4 kids and 80 million loads of laundry to conquer and a kitchen that never seems to stop spitting out dirty dishes and……okay, I’m getting carried away again……aside from all of that stuff, it feels almost like a little vacation.

I am choosing to slow down, take it easy, rest, relax, heal…. I’m not pushing past it all and valiantly forcing onward. I’m being selfish and not sharing any of the these germs with anyone else, if I can help it.

I LOVE that in the middle of this rough week, that I can still smile and be thankful…..for everything…..even if some things require a little more thought to see the positive within the situation.

What are you thankful for today?