Pregnancy – Page 3 – xangelle.com

29 Weeks

I am 29 weeks pregnant.

I remember the beginning weeks and how stressful and emotionally unstable they were and now here I have 11 weeks left until I reach full term.

This has been a really long pregnancy. I’m really looking forward to the day that I finally get to hold my little man and begin that portion of the journey. I’m trying to really enjoy every moment that I have left, but at the same time…I’m really looking forward to not ever being pregnant again.

I say that now, but watch me be all sad and upset in a while.

I’m feeling very emotional these days. I’m feeling emotionally fragile and like I want to retreat into a protective safe zone and just ride out the remaining weeks.

I’m finding it hard to do things that I normally don’t have issues with and the things that I normally struggle with – feel completely overwhelming to me. I hate it.

I’m unsure why I’m feeling like this, and I’m even more unsure what to do with myself.

And so…….I try to continue to put one foot in front of the other and I go to my exercise class and I plan my meals and I attempt to cross things off my list and well…..I’m just trying to make it through on a day by day basis.

I desperately need to book an appointment with my chiropractor as my left hip is hurting something fierce. Other than that, physically I’m feeling pretty amazing. I am heading into the last weeks and am feeling a lot more sick and hurling more than I had been (YUCK!) but I’m feeling feeling pretty mobile and typically have the energy to make it through the day without feeling like I’m dying.

The roughest thing right now is just the whole emotional/nasty/feeling like jello or whatever……..but, this too will pass – won’t it?

Crossing Things Off My List

I have a list written down somewhere. Actually I have a few lists written down in a few different places, and well….can I find any of them right now…..NOPE!

I’m usually super organized and yet I’ve been feeling SO SCATTERED recently.

I think I’ve got too many things on my plate right now and yet…..that’s a post for another day and another time.

We’ve bought a crib set for each of our other kids. I figured that at the very least, I could save and one day pass on the comforter to each kid and that each child was unique and deserved something of their own….With each child I’ve had a harder and harder time choosing something that I really liked that wasn’t too over the top, gaudy or just down right ugly.

I did find a cute set for Siah and yet I wanted something different for this little one.

I decided to buy some fabric and to make some co-ordinating bedding and covers for this baby.

I’m not the worlds most amazing seamstress. My mother can make anything, even without a pattern, (She sewed my sister’s wedding dress and it was UNREAL! A massive hand beaded fairy tale princess dress!) and my sister has made and can make some of the most amazing things – clothing and toys. They can both sew like nobodies business. I can use my machine (barely) and I’ve made a few simple dresses for my girls when they were younger but I had to follow a pattern religiously.

I figured that most of what I wanted to do involved straight lines (I even have trouble with that sometimes) and that at the very least, I could give it a try. First hurdle….finding some fabric, that #1 went with my bedroom colors (as that is where the baby furniture is and where he’ll be rooming for most of the first year.) and #2 that I actually liked and #3 was appropriately boy-ish without being all balls and animals and primary colors. The second hurdle involved the fact that I had NO PATTERN to follow. I figured that at the very least I could try and if it turned out that bad, I’d rope my mother in to helping me.

Fortunately for me, and the family who has to live with me…….I’ve managed to start to pull it all together.

As of this past weekend, I’ve purchased some fabric…..

I’ve finished one crib sheet…..

and I finished one change pad cover……(I’m quite proud of this considering the rounded or scooped edges that I figured out how to do all on my own – YAH ME!)

Here is a closer view…..

I’m almost finished the second change table cover and I still need to make another crib sheet. After that I have to make the bumper pads and the biggest project will be the quilt…. ACK! I’m a little nervous about that one.

My mom did come over to help me figure out how to “fit or secure” the cover and sheet underneath the pads and instead of using elastic, I’ve…..well…..I’ve no idea how to explain what I did. I basically sewed the bottom edge into a corner so there is a pocket for the corners to fit into. I have no idea if you understand and short of going and taking more pics…..which I don’t feel like doing right now….It’s all okay. It works and looks good and more importantly…..they fit perfectly and required no yelling, screaming or swearing.

I’m gonna finish the change table cover today and hopefully the second sheet too.

I think I might even take few minutes to sit down and actually write out a good list of everything that I really want to do before the baby comes and post it somewhere where It won’t get lost.

Oh, and you can see the color that we’ve painted our room in those pics of the change table. When we finish decorating, I’ll take some more pictures and show the whole thing, but for now…that’s a sneek peak!

Baby Booties and a GIVEAWAY!!!

I’ve seen a few pictures here and there around the internet with the CUTEST little felt baby booties.

Most of them are for girls, but I’m having a boy. And so while I think they are absolutely darling…they are useless to me. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone right now who is expecting a baby girl or I’d be making some of the cutest little shoes for them.

I was, however, thinking about my sisters and their baby boys and how tiny their little feet are and I found a SUPER EASY pattern for cloth or felt booties.

Last week, I had been cooped up in the house for most of a week and on Saturday afternoon – I ESCAPED! I went to the fabric store and bought a bunch of coordinating fabric that I am using to make some crib sheets, some change table covers, a set of bumper pads, and a crib quilt. After I’m done all of that, I have a few other projects that I’m considering (time allowing).

The fabric store closed and I wasn’t quite ready to head home yet, so I ran into Michaels. I didn’t really have anything in mind that I wanted to get, BUT…..I thought I’d just look around.

I found a package of felt in brown camo, blue camo and pink camo and I wondered if I could make some booties from them. After wasting a bit more time, I came home, printed out the pattern and started in on the project. It didn’t take very long and these cute little boy booties were finished. It says that they are a size 0-3 months and while I can’t imagine that they’d fit either of my nephews (just yet) – I do think that they’d fit in another few weeks. They aren’t huge, but they are a little bigger than tiny newborn size.

I whipped up (hand sewed) the first one of this pair yesterday on the way home from work and finished the second one after the boys went to bed. It is a fairly quick and easy project and one that could be modified with bows or buttons or a cute animal or shape cutout (similar to Robeez type shoes).

I don’t think that these would be strong enough to handle a walker, but for tiny babies….they’d cover the feet and look awfully cute. More like slippers, than shoes…..

I’m going to give away one of these pairs of booties.

If you win, you get to choose whether you want the pink ones or the brown ones….

To enter, leave a comment and Next Monday April 12th, I’ll randomly pick a winner.

LIttle Bit ‘O This and a Little Bit ‘O That

I’m sitting on the main level of my house killing time listening to my baby scream his head off because he,
“WAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNTTTTTSSSSSS MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMAAAAAAA!” and seeing as he is mostly over the whole measles thingy and I’m so tired of his incessant night waking, we have started to institute the

Back to Bed, Baby! Initiative.

This involves getting up every time he wakes up and putting him back in his own bed. He is in a bed, and so he can easily get out and the biggest issue that we have is not even him coming to our bed in the middle of the night.

The biggest issue is the fact that since the while measles thing, he’s been waking up around 11 or 12 and screaming for no reason that we can figure out. He is quite verbal (as in everyone who hears him speak can’t believe he’s only 2 years old) and his language skills are quite advanced and so if he so desired, he could tell us if there was an issue…..I think that he’s OVERTIRED and can’t even really handle himself. You should see the dark circles he’s currently sporting under his eyes. Poor Baby.

The 11-midnight scream fest comes in a close second in the frustration factor. The number one issue is that he’s decided that regardless of whether we let him sleep with us or if we put him back in to his own bed, around 2am, he wakes up and then is basically restless and awake from 2am until after 5am. This time usually involves TONS of thrashing around. Crying because the covers are on. Crying because the covers are off. Kicking mommy and daddy in the head/stomach/back/whatever happens to be closest to the thrashing feet. Crying because we won’t let him watch a movie. Crying because he wants to go to the bathroom. Crying because he doesn’t want to go to the bathroom. Basically, there is lots of crying and very little sleep.

And so, it is time to learn how to sleep again.

This likely means that we will get even less sleep over the next 3-4 nights as we sleep train him to stay asleep or at the very least, to once again stay on his bed. YUCK! but it will be so worth it by next weekend when we are all sleeping soundly. I hope I’ve not jinxed it by saying that.

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It was my baby girl’s 13th Birthday today. Angelica became a teenager today. I’m still a a bit amazed that I have a teenager and yet….it’s really not that different feeling from yesterday as she was quick to tell me. Time sure flies doesn’t it.

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Jon and Jeremy went to church today and Xani and Siah and I stayed home. Siah’s still officially within the contagious time period and Xani was coughing like a mad woman. We made coffee cake and an egg/hashbrown hash-type breakfast. We cleaned the kitchen and then sewed like crazy.

I’ll be showing you over the next little bit some of the fun things that I made. Xani made 2 pillows and she did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself.

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We’ve filled and hidden the kid’s Easter Baskets and tomorrow morning we’ll have a treasure hunt for the kids. They are looking forward to it and if it weren’t for Geli’s birthday being today we probably would have done them today, but I wanted to make her birthday special. We had her favorite meal of roast chicken, and potatoes, with carrots and asparagus and gravy AND…..Yorkshire Pudding. And she was a very happy girl. We’ve still not given her a gift or even had a cake so I’m not sure how special of a day it was, but ….well…….ya know……it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?

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I’m still trying to come up with a fun activity for us to do as a family tomorrow……ya know, one that involves being trapped inside the house with a contagious child….ya! should be fun! It’s been a long LOOOOOOOOOONG week and I still have a few days left to go.

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The baby has been making the funniest movements. I’ve been bent over the sewing machine and apparently, he didn’t like being squished because he kept trying to streeeeeeeeeeeeetch out and kept kicking out the sides of my body towards my back. It felt so weird, and yet……….TOTALLY AMAZING. Baby movements are the best thing ever.

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Some people from our complex just had a stillborn at 24 weeks. One week shy of when Nathaniel was born. My heart os breaking for them and all they are going through right now. I only hope that I can, in some small way, reach out and be a support or comfort to them. I’m feeling stressed that I’m pregnant, though and am feeling cautious as to how that might make them feel. So many sad conflicting emotions. In some ways, it’s like reliving the whole loss over again. So SO sad!

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Well, after half an hour, it’s quiet and so I’m gonna sign off and head up stairs to bed. I hope you all had a great Easter Sunday with great food and hopefully lots of chocolate…….

28 weeks

The weeks are flying by. I feel like I just said that I have 13 weeks left and BAM! A whole week has passed by and I’m annoyed with myself that I’ve not “accomplished” anything on my “list of things to do before the baby comes”.

Recently I’ve painted my bedroom and my bathroom, BUT….I’m not finished the job. In my bedroom, I have to finish touching up the edges on two walls down by the baseboards and I need to finish up the trim in my bathroom as well. I have 2 small walls and around the shower and in a corner between my bathtub and a wall to finish touching up.

So, it’s not like I have a ton to do in either of those rooms, but the knowledge that it’s undone…..well, it’s weighing on me. Maybe I’ll try to get it finished up tomorrow……or maybe not.

I also want to paint a mini-crib that I’ll be using. I need to sand it, prime it and paint it. Then I need to pick up some fabric and make some sheets, a bumper and a blanket. I also want to make a few coordinating (with the crib set) covers for the change table.

I still need to get some curtains for my bedroom and to figure out what (art, photo, picture, etc) we are going to put on our walls. I also need to find a bed spread that fits in with the color and feel of my bedroom (not hard…I can just do all white or some combo of white, tan, chocolate and turquoise).

I do need to go through my baby stuff and figure out what I might need and what I want and to start to stock up on some of the disposable items.

Seeing how fast this past week flew by, I know that if I blink – then next thing I know I’ll be holding my baby and nothing will be done. Which, in the grand scheme of things is not the end of the world and I know that. Everything will eventually get done and even if it doesn’t, the baby will still come and we will make do and it will all be okay. BUT….I want to get all this stuff done – if I can!

Here is a picture of me from yesterday.

For a fun comparison, Here is a picture of me at 27 weeks (it was either that or the next one I have is at 30 weeks) pregnant with Josiah.

On another note, I’m having a bit of a “Fat Day”. I just feel gross and fat and awful about myself.

I’m sure that I’ll change my thinking soon. I do weigh more than I did at this point with Josiah, but that’s because I had spent 3 months losing weight and prepping my body to be pregnant when I got pregnant with Siah. With this pregnancy, I was attempting to lose weight and to get healthy, but there were no plans of a baby anywhere in those plans.

I’ve been exercising during this pregnancy and for the most part, I feel amazing about myself. Yes, I know that I am at a heavier weight than I’d like to be, but I am WAY more fit and I’m certain that I have built muscle and that once I can work a bit harder at “losing” weight that I’ll be able to attain a better, more suitable goal for myself.

I do spend a total of 6 hours a week in a too revealing exercise outfit in front of floor to ceiling mirrors and have come to love my body (for the most part) over the past 8 months. I rarely have “bad” days in regards to my body image and I used to have a TON of them. I see how I have changed and toned and tightened and I am mostly happy with myself. I see beauty where I didn’t ever think that I’d see beauty – fat, stretch marks, double chins, under arm flab and all.

And then today…..I saw some pictures of myself working out and then took these pics and while I know that pics do show the truth, they often show a side of the truth and that the full, moving view of myself is different than a still shot, but….still……I guess I’m feeling sensitive today.

I’m determined that I’m going to throw off this funk and feel beautiful about myself again. I’m worth believing in myself and seeing the strength and beauty in my personal shape and form. I want to live like that for myself and to be able to pass that belief onto my girls especially, but also, I want for my boys to be able to see that I believe in my own strength and beauty and for them to be able to find and see beauty in everyone………28 weeks pregnant and all.

My thoughts on a big family

**Post by Jon

It seems that I have posted enough times to earn the status of ‘regular’ poster, so I get to just post now without having to make the **Guest Post** disclaimer.

When I got married and the subject of kids and family came up, I said that I would like to have two kids and play it by ear from there (by which I meant that after having two kids, I should have enough evidence to convince you that “your goal of having four kids was a bit crazy over-the-top.) Patti wanted four kids. That seemed to make sense as we each wanted families that were similar to the ones that we came from; Patti came from a family with five kids and I came from a family of two boys. The other thought in all of this is that we got married young, figured that we would have kids when we were young, and when they grew up and moved out, we would still be relatively young.

So we had a wonderful girl that grew up too quick, and then another wonderful girl that enjoyed being a baby a bit longer, and as far as I was concerned, I was in heaven. But I was also ignorant about being a dad, especially to girls. To say that I “learned on them” is an understatement. But I also have to admit that this was fun and rewarding in ways that I never could have understood on the other side of non-parenthood.

Then came the first boy. (It seems that playing it “by ear” means that you keep having kids if there is no proof that Patti is crazy) Boy children are different than girl children. Each child added personality, emotion and “fullness” to our family. At this point I was convinced that having four was not going to be a bad thing or that much different than having three.

Then we lost a pregnancy. To be accurate, we lost Nathaniel. We lost getting to know him, and I personally lost the picture that was in my head that included two young boys running around together and being brothers. I had come to know what fatherhood meant and had come to anticipate and look forward to the different stages of life and growth. I knew from the most recent ultrasound that it was a boy, we had already picked names, and I knew “Exactly” what life was going to look like a year from then, two years, five years, etc. I lost that.

Then we lost a few more pregnancies, but nothing compared to losing Nathaniel. Then we had Siah. This was good, not a replacement, but a good note to end on; a good ending to our child-bearing chapter. But the picture was different then. I could see two brothers that loved each other, with one in high-school as the other starts elementary. I could see Siah missing out on the siblings in the same school and walking to school together, and the fun of growing up like that. Experience had also taught me that you can’t plan how any story will end, or even how a pregnancy will fare, so if you asked me if I wanted any more kids, I would have (and probably did say) that I didn’t.

But my emotions were more conflicted than that, and Patti wasn’t sure that she was done, and after all that we’ve been through, this is a decision that we will make together. So I sat by waiting for her to realize that this tiredness and effort was enough and that we were done, and as she took so long thinking about it, my emotions started to melt my logic and soon I was saying that I wouldn’t mind having another one. Finally Patti decided that she was tired enough and that she was done (though I am sure that was as conflicted as me.) We talked one night and both of us agreed that four was the magic number.

The truth is that I wanted to see two siblings growing up together and if it got any longer, then there would be a gap that would make that difficult and my full answer would have been, “If we are not pregnant right NOW, then I don’t think that I would want to try again”. Turns out that we were pregnant right then.

The other night I sat at the dinner table and leaned back in my chair and quietly watched the chaos. The kids were laughing at each other, goofing around, being a little gross and inappropriate. There were skirmishes, some yelling, some politeness, and a few inside-jokes (en FrancÃ©). I was watching family… my family. I was watching life interact with life on an intimate and exponential level. From 13 year-old to 2 year-old, everyone had a place and influenced everyone else. I thought about the reality of having one more… a boy brother for Siah, no less! I can see it.

I love big family and I am thrilled that there is one more coming to exponentially increase who we are.

But 5 is definitely enough… I think.

27 Weeks

Okay, so I’ve not posted in a while and it’s getting to the point where Jon can no longer be considered a “Guest Poster”.

I’ve decided to just come clean and fess up for anyone who isn’t aware.

I’m 27 weeks pregnant.

This means that if I make it all the way to full term (40 weeks) that I have 13 weeks left. As of today, I have exactly 90 days left.

That’s 3 months. OUCH! I feel like I have SO MUCH to do and so little time!

BUT………We are SO thrilled and can’t wait to meet this little one.

We have found out that we are expecting another little……..BOY!

I am currently seeing both a midwife and a Perinatologist.

I’m seeing a midwife for my regular care and she has referred me (for extra care) to the Perinatologist for some detailed ultrasounds and to determine if there was anything that they could find out that might indicate why we lost Nathaniel or the next three or if there seemed to be anything unusual regarding this pregnancy.

We were so excited to see the baby and to hear that everything looked good.

Click on the picture to see a larger view.

The Dr. told us to come back about 6 weeks later for a follow up appt…..

The baby had grown and was still a boy and everything was still looking amazing. They estimated that he weighed about 1 lb 5 ounces and……. HE WAS PERFECT!

Click on the picture to see a larger view

We are going back for one final scan when I am almost 32 weeks and provided that all looks perfect at that scan – they will sign off on seeing me and I won’t need to go back there any more. While it’s nice to have the extra care, being released from that care also means that I (and this pregnancy and this baby) am considered “normal” and that is such an amazing thing.

I’m hoping to post a bit more frequently over the upcoming weeks as we prepare for the arrival of this sweet boy.

Maybe, you’ll come along for the ride?

Alive and Kickin’

We were sent for an early scan under the guise of dating the pregnancy, BUT….seeing as we knew the exact date of conception – I knew exactly how old this baby was.

I realize just how much in shock I was because as conflicted as I felt – I really wasn’t processing things on a certain level.

It wasn’t until we walked into the Ultrasound Clinic that I realized just how fragile I was emotionally and it also hit me again so hard that LIFE is so fragile.

When the technician called my name and I walked with her back to the room, we were talking and I thought, “You have no idea what you are in for, lady!”

She closed that door and I turned to her and asked that regardless of the outcome of the scan, could she please bring Jon in to see the baby – even if it was not alive.

And then I cried!

I tried to pull myself together and she looked at me with a very concerned/stressed look and asked if I had any reason to think the worst.

No, there had been no bleeding, but then again, there never was with any of the other 4 babies that we lost.

I figured that she was desperately hoping that I wouldn’t wreck her morning by having things turn out badly.

I climbed up on the table and she put the wand to my stomach and you could feel the tension and then…….she smirked.

I desperately hoped that the smirk was an indicator of a positive outcome, but I was mentally prepared for the worst.

She mentioned that our little one was “Alive and Kickin” and that things looked really, really good.

She took a few measurements, and let me see the baby, then went to go and get Jon.

She brought him in and let us see a little bit more and even let us hear the heart beat. That is such an amazing, AMAZING sound.

We got a few pics……..

You can click on the picture to see a bigger view.

I walked out of that Clinic feeling cautiously optimistic. If only time would speed up and I were holding this precious little one in my arms…….it’ll come soon enough, won’t it?

If This Was An Olympic Event……

I have spent the day baking and now my feet feel like the bones are trying to poke through the skin. Yah, they hurt!

The kids have been wanting snacks and treats and we’ve been buying way too much “garbage” from the store.

By garbage, I mean, cookies and crackers and other colorful, chemical-filled crap. I cringe every time I put a box into my shopping cart. I hate the cost. I hate the chemicals. I hate the massive amounts of sugar. I hate the excessive packaging. I just hate buying it, and yet recently….I’ve been tired and busy and busy and tired and well…….enough is enough.

This weekend has worked out nicely that the kids got both Friday and Monday off AND we had nothing planned for today and we are not having anyone over for lunch tomorrow and so aside from a roasted chicken dinner with potatoes, carrots, gravy and salad (I’m already drooling over tomorrow’s lunch) we have a pretty quiet, normal day tomorrow.

All of that adds up to a mostly relaxing weekend.

I had thought that I’d get the house a bit tidier than it currently is, but between tomorrow afternoon and Monday morning – it should be back into shape.

Yesterday the girls and I planned out that we’d bake like crazy today, in the hopes of stocking the freezer with enough goodies to keep us going for a while. Our list was WAY longer than what was actually possible to accomplish in one day, but it helped to have something to pick through while we were working our way throughout the day.

I managed to bake 4 loaves of Spelt bread, and 4 loaves of Kamut bread.

The Spelt Loaves rose amazingly, but the Kamut was a bit of a flop. The dough didn’t feel right while I was working with it, so I’ll try again and might even look for a Kamut Flour recipe. We ate one of the Spelt loaves for dinner and the kids LOVED it. We’ll slice them all up with our slicer and then keep one out to use, and freeze the rest.

I also made a ton of Soda Crackers using the Spelt flour.

They are a little fluffier than a soda cracker from the store, but that was also eating them fresh and hot. I added some garlic powder to the mix and then sprinkled salt on top of them before cooking, so they have some flavor. We tried some tonight with meat and cheese and pickles and again…..they were a big hit. I think the kids will enjoy them in their lunches or as snacks and they were so SO easy to make.

Xandra and I whipped up 3 batches of cookies. We made gingersnaps, oatmeal cookies and chocolate chip cookies.

The gingersnaps were the only thing today that were not vegan. I used honey instead of sugar. Everything else was made with Earth Balance Spread instead of butter, Ener-G Egg Replacer instead of eggs and Oat Milk where it called for milk. This is to accomodate Siah’s egg and dairy allergy. Everything still tastes amazing and turned out fabulously (minus the Kamut bread, but that has nothing to do with the substitutes and all to do with the flour being a heavier/denser weight. AND….it’ll still make great toasted garlic bread.).

Each batch of cookies made over 4 dozen cookies and I froze 3 dozen and baked the rest. Here they are ready for the freezer.

I love them like this because now when we want cookies…..we just have to pull out a dozen, let them sit on the cookie tray for about 5-10 minutes while the oven is pre-heating and VOILA! Fresh delicious cookies!

I also made a Lemon Poppy Seed Loaf (my FAVORITE!) but I didn’t get a picture of it…it was cooking and I uploaded these before it was finished cooking.

I also made one more batch of bread (4 loaves worth), BUT…..this time, instead of regular bread – I made one loaf of Cinnamon Bread. I also made 16 Cinnamon Buns. Here they are rising. They were about twice this size when they were finished……….

We’ll probably have some for breakfast tomorrow. I also made a bunch of regular buns. I figured I could freeze half of them and with the rest, the kids could use them for lunches. They are on the smaller side so a perfect kid lunch size. Here they are in the prep stage…….

I love my apron. I don’t often wear it, but on “messy, flour-y days” it does a great job of keeping me from being an absolute mess as I tend to fluff a lot of flour around and also to wipe my hands all over myself.

Any guesses as to how far along I am? If ya know…..then don’t spoil it for others! M’Kay? Thanks! You could always throw out a guess to try and throw others off? Or not?!?

Here are some facts for you. This is pregnancy #9. I have just recently stopped barfing all day. This will be our 5th child that we bring home. I’m up 5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I do still feel a bit queasy throughout the day and am still barfing most mornings.

Does that make it any easier or more confusing? Oh well, happy guessing!

The Best of Times and The Worst of Times

I know that I’m blessed.

I know that I’m in a position that some other women would give anything to be in.

I was one of those who would have given anything to be pregnant.

But, I hold firmly to the belief that I’m allowed to be shocked by something that was not organized by us and that we had not planned on.

I believe its possible to be both in shock that you’re pregnant with your 5 child and that this was something you’d not planned on, and at the same time terrified that you might lose another child.

It’s horrid to know that you are “strong enough” to handle loss and specifically another loss, but to desperately with everything in you hope that you don’t lose this one.

The fact that within seconds of seeing the positive pregnancy test, that I was filled with terror that I might lose this baby was a huge indicator to me that I needn’t worry that I wouldn’t love or that I might resent this baby.

I don’t think it’s possible to want something so badly and to be resentful of it at the same time…..at least it’s not possible for me.

I really didn’t want to have to deal with the fear and out of control feelings ever again.

I know that I can, but I don’t want to have to.

I’ve had moments when I was certain that this pregnancy was over and I was just waiting for confirmation of that, and on the opposite side of that – I’ve had great and amazing moments of certainty and hope and joy.

I’m barfing every morning and dry heaving a ton throughout the day and this is with being on Liquid Vitamin B complex and a ton of other vitamins and potions to help me…….apparently I just barf my way through pregnancy…..welcome to my life.

With Angelica, I barfed for 6 months straight had a slight reprieve in month 7 and then barfed my way through the last 2 months.

With Alexandra, I barfed for 5 months, had months 6 & 7 off and then continued on barfing in months 8 & 9

With Jeremy, it was the same as with Xandra.

With Nathaniel, I barfed until I lost him and then continued to barf while the hormones abated after I lost him…that was rough.

I barfed my way through the 3 years of losses – again with the not fun….it’s harder when you don’t get anything to show for it at the end of it all..

With Josiah, I barfed for 4 months, then had months 5-8 off and barfed again in the last month. (best pregnancy EVER)

And….we’ll just have to see how this one goes – won’t we?

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5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30