**Post by Jon
It seems that I have posted enough times to earn the status of ‘regular’ poster, so I get to just post now without having to make the **Guest Post** disclaimer.
When I got married and the subject of kids and family came up, I said that I would like to have two kids and play it by ear from there (by which I meant that after having two kids, I should have enough evidence to convince you that “your goal of having four kids was a bit crazy over-the-top.) Patti wanted four kids. That seemed to make sense as we each wanted families that were similar to the ones that we came from; Patti came from a family with five kids and I came from a family of two boys. The other thought in all of this is that we got married young, figured that we would have kids when we were young, and when they grew up and moved out, we would still be relatively young.
So we had a wonderful girl that grew up too quick, and then another wonderful girl that enjoyed being a baby a bit longer, and as far as I was concerned, I was in heaven. But I was also ignorant about being a dad, especially to girls. To say that I “learned on them” is an understatement. But I also have to admit that this was fun and rewarding in ways that I never could have understood on the other side of non-parenthood.
Then came the first boy. (It seems that playing it “by ear” means that you keep having kids if there is no proof that Patti is crazy) Boy children are different than girl children. Each child added personality, emotion and “fullness” to our family. At this point I was convinced that having four was not going to be a bad thing or that much different than having three.
Then we lost a pregnancy. To be accurate, we lost Nathaniel. We lost getting to know him, and I personally lost the picture that was in my head that included two young boys running around together and being brothers. I had come to know what fatherhood meant and had come to anticipate and look forward to the different stages of life and growth. I knew from the most recent ultrasound that it was a boy, we had already picked names, and I knew “Exactly” what life was going to look like a year from then, two years, five years, etc. I lost that.
Then we lost a few more pregnancies, but nothing compared to losing Nathaniel. Then we had Siah. This was good, not a replacement, but a good note to end on; a good ending to our child-bearing chapter. But the picture was different then. I could see two brothers that loved each other, with one in high-school as the other starts elementary. I could see Siah missing out on the siblings in the same school and walking to school together, and the fun of growing up like that. Experience had also taught me that you can’t plan how any story will end, or even how a pregnancy will fare, so if you asked me if I wanted any more kids, I would have (and probably did say) that I didn’t.
But my emotions were more conflicted than that, and Patti wasn’t sure that she was done, and after all that we’ve been through, this is a decision that we will make together. So I sat by waiting for her to realize that this tiredness and effort was enough and that we were done, and as she took so long thinking about it, my emotions started to melt my logic and soon I was saying that I wouldn’t mind having another one. Finally Patti decided that she was tired enough and that she was done (though I am sure that was as conflicted as me.) We talked one night and both of us agreed that four was the magic number.
The truth is that I wanted to see two siblings growing up together and if it got any longer, then there would be a gap that would make that difficult and my full answer would have been, “If we are not pregnant right NOW, then I don’t think that I would want to try again”. Turns out that we were pregnant right then.
The other night I sat at the dinner table and leaned back in my chair and quietly watched the chaos. The kids were laughing at each other, goofing around, being a little gross and inappropriate. There were skirmishes, some yelling, some politeness, and a few inside-jokes (en Francé). I was watching family… my family. I was watching life interact with life on an intimate and exponential level. From 13 year-old to 2 year-old, everyone had a place and influenced everyone else. I thought about the reality of having one more… a boy brother for Siah, no less! I can see it.
I love big family and I am thrilled that there is one more coming to exponentially increase who we are.
But 5 is definitely enough… I think.
5 is definitely, DEFINITELY enough!