Category: Pregnancy

Yes, I cried.

And being totally and completely honest…..these were not happy tears, but rather tears of confusion. They were tears that held a whole lot of questions within them.

Jon had come upstairs at this point and when I showed him the test……well, to say that we were both in a state of shock is putting it mildly.

And then I started counting!

I was 13 days late starting and had just gotten a faint positive. Counting backwards – this puts conception sometime around when I was actually due to start….which coincides with ONE “incident” where we assumed that we were safe.

I understand that all it takes in one time, but the thing that really baffled me was that I was 2 weeks off my normal schedule. That – THAT – is very strange. I do realize that unless you take the necessary precautions that things like this can happen, but here is a little history on me……

14.5 years of marriage and NEVER ONCE have I gotten pregnant without “ACTIVELY TRYING” and I have never gotten pregnant the first month that we tried. With Geli we tried for 9 months before I got pregnant. Xani was 2 months of trying. Jermey was 4 months. Nathaniel was 2. I have no idea about all the losses, but it never happened the first month and Siah was about 3-4 months…….

So, this business of getting pregnant is not something that has come terribly easy for us and now SHAZAM! Here we are with a pregnancy that we did not plan for.

And, in all honesty – I was quite shaken by the whole 5 kids thing.

I already have 4 kids and loads of people that we meet are already shocked by how big our family is….and now……..AND NOW WE ARE PREGNANT WITH NUMBER 5.

Now, that being said, I am the oldest of 5 kids. My mother’s family had 5 kids. My father’s family had 4 kids. So the concept of a large family is not foreign to me, but……well…….it’s just a lot of kids.

We had been talking for the past year about the possibility of having another child. Jeremy and Josiah have a 7 year age difference between them and as much as Siah has older siblings, in some ways it’s been like he’s an only child.

But, our conversations regarding another child always went something like this…

ME: I think that we could totally handle another kid. Seriously, what’s one more.

JON: Are you kidding me? I am so tired and this baby that we currently have NEVER SLEEPS. NO WAY!

ME: Yah, you’re right, I’m really tired too. But wouldn’t it be nice for Siah to have a sibling close in age?

JON: NO! It’s not happening. We already have 4 and that’s enough.

ME: Yah, you’re totally right – but I still think that we could do it.

That was about a third of the time…….Another conversation that we had on a fairly regular basis went like this…

JON: Siah would be so cute with a little brother or sister

ME: Are you insane? Maybe you should sleep in the TV room tonight. It’s not happening.

JON: Seriously, I’ve been thinking about it and I think that we could make it work…

ME: That’s just the crazy talking and the fact that we’ve not slept through the night in over 2 years…..NO!

JON: Come on! It would be fun to see Siah and a brother or sister grow up together….

ME: NOT ON YOUR LIFE, BABY! AIN’T HAPPENING!

JON: I guess you’re right, but I still think that it could be a good idea.

The other third of the conversation went something along the lines of….

HA HA HA HA HA! We’re never having anymore kids. These 4 we already have are WAY TOO MUCH WORK!

YAH! I TOTALLY GET WHAT YOU’RE SAYING! WE HAVE SO MANY KIDS.

MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD PUT THEM ALL TO BED NOW….IT’S PAST 10PM.

SURE! GO FOR IT. I’M TOO TIRED!

MAYBE, THEY’LL JUST FALL ASLEEP WHERE EVER THEY’RE AT AND WE WON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

I DOUBT IT.

YAH! YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT I CAN HOPE, CAN’T I?

Yah, We’re yelling to hear ourselves over the chaos…….It’s that awesome over here, and those lines are interchangeable. Either one of us could be on either end of that conversation.

So yah, We’ve been slammed with a HUGE assault of conflicting emotions and have really been working on processing through them.

To say that it’s not been easy is an understatement.

I can say with all certainty, that I am so happy to be welcoming this baby into our lives and into our family. I am so looking forward to meeting this little one and pouring every ounce of love and care that I have into this sweet baby.

I feel like we’ve been given a gift and although it’s not something that we, on our own, had planned to appreciate and invest in and love…..now that this gift is ours…..we are waiting in joyful anticipation for the day when we get to fully embrace all the love and joy and laughter that this gift will bring with it.

But there are sometimes that the fear of past hurts and previous losses overshadows the joy and makes even breathing seem unbearable. The waiting, waiting, waiting is…well….it’s brutal.

There is the anticipation that the other shoe is about the drop or the axe is about to fall and that is such a hard place to be in. There is also the anticipation on Christmas Eve as you wait for morning to come, knowing that something great is about to happen and even though you don’t know what you’re getting, you still know that it’s going to be an awesome time. If only I could live in that anticipation for the nine months of pregnancy…..wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Wouldn’t it be, though? Nine months is a very long time.

I’m not one to get all caught up in the “Why’s” of life. Even when Nathaniel died, I hurt and I cried and I felt so sad and empty, but I did not get caught up in questioning “Why this happened?” or even “Why did this happen to me or to us?”

I’m more likely to just “feel” the moment whether that’s with joy or with pain and to continue to put one foot in front of the other. It’s carried me through some pretty dark times and helped me to keep living life.

I will admit that I had a hard time seeing the “positive” show up on the pregnancy test and the feelings and emotions that washed over me after that. It was probably the closest to a “WHY ME?” that I’ve ever gotten.

I am regular…..like you could set your clock by me regular. I cycled every 35 days before I lost Nathaniel. The years during all the losses were a bit crazy, but then I had so many hormones swirling and whirling around inside of me that at that point NOTHING was regular. About 3 months before I had Siah, I went to the Naturopath and it felt to me like my body hit a huge RESET button and I started to cycle at 28 days.

When things resumed, after Siah came along, I was right back on track within a few months.

I expected to start on a certain day and when I hadn’t started by the day’s end…..I took a test. There was no reason why I should have expected to be pregnant. There was no unsafe activity (If ya know what I mean) during any scary, dangerous or critical times of the month and so I was basically just flushing money down the toilet. It was – OF COURSE – a very blatant negative!

Alrighty!!!! So, I expected that things would start by the morning and went to bed.

So 4 days went by and NOTHING. In fact, if I were completely honest with myself….I really didn’t feel like I was about the start my period but then I really didn’t feel pregnant either. I took another test the next morning and again…..NEGATIVE. Like, it couldn’t get any more negative. Not even a hint of a line, even if I held it up to the light or to the window and squinted funny while looking out of the corner of my eyes. (Hey! I’ve peed on a lot of sticks over the past 5 years – I am a professional! Trust me!)

So, I figured that I must have nursed Siah a bit more over the past few weeks and maybe possibly the nursing had messed me up hormonally and I was having a wonky cycle. I was still nursing Siah at this point. I waited for over a week and decided that I was going to take one more test – which of course was going to be negative – and then I’d just wait it out.

I peed on the stick, set it on the counter beside me and clicked through on my blackberry to Twitter to kill some time.

After a few minutes, I glanced at the pregnancy test and then did a double take……was that a line? Are you kidding me? It’s not very dark?!? Is it really a line? It can’t be? It’s not possible?!? What? Nooooooo! NO WAY!

And then I cried…………(to be continued)

Well!?!

Today marks the 39th week of this pregnancy, and hopefully the day of our little ones birth.

I was feeling quite tired about 9pm, and Momma suggested I lay down.  I slept off and on from 9-11pm, and then was awake from 11pm until 1am…..not fun!  I finally fell asleep again around 1am, and woke up this morning at 5am.

I’ve managed to kill some time just staring at the alarm clock, but now it’s 6am, and I’ll get ready for the day, and then around 7ish we’ll be off for the hospital.

No contractions, no nothing…..so it seems like I’ll be induced……….not sure how I feel about that.  Pray that it’s not too painful – I’ve heard that induced labour can brutal…not wanting brutal……would you?  It seems like this has just been such a different pregnancy, and nothing is familiar or reassuring.  I guess in some ways that’s good, but in other’s its very disconcerting.

Well, I’m off to get ready.  I do hope I have the most amazing news sooner as opposed to later.

Okay!  So I’m back!  Back from the hospital, and then from an aweful lot of running around.

Here’s the scoop.  My water’s have broken.  YAAAAAHHHHHH!  But nothing’s happening, yet!  BOOOOOOO!

I got up and took a shower this morning, and when I got out and got dressed, and started wandering around the house, I noticed that things seemed a bit damper than what was normal.

It kept happening, and I wondered if my water’s might have broken, BUT never having had my water’s break before until almost the very end…..this has been a very strange experience.

I did go for the non-stress test, and cried my way through that.  The sound was turned off at the beginning of the test, and I couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat.  It wasn’t until I asked the nurse if the baby was still alive that I started to cry and couldn’t stop.

She was very nice and reassuring.  They also did some test where they put some fluid onto a piece of paper, and if it reacts, then it is amniotic fluid…..Well, there was enough fluid for the nurse the believe me that, YES!  My Water’s have broken.

STILL NOTHING HAPPENING, but if nothing happens overnight, then I have to be at the hospital at 7:30am tomorrow to get this show on the road.

My momma is coming out right now to just be here.  I need her this time around.  Not necessarily in the hospital, but here and now.

We’ve done our running around, and now we’re (Jon’s) making dinner – such a good man.  and then to waste the evening……so much fun.

I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep tonight or if something will start to happen.  This is kind of a messy experience…..one that I’m not particularly upset that I’ve never experienced before……I’m quite happy that things are moving, but could have done without the feeling of peeing myself everytine I move.  That’s a good time let me tell you.

I’ll keep you updated.

Alrighty, 8 days to go until my Estimated Due Date.

I’m frustrated with that picture.  My hair actually looks way better today than the picture does it justice.  Yes, I’m that shallow that I’m worrying about my hair in a picture when I’ve shown you WAY worse shots of me.

I’m not really worried, juts annoyed.  You know when you walk out of the bathroom, and you’re like, “I look so amazing today.  My hair actually co-operated, and I’m feeling good about myself.”

Well, that was me a few minutes ago.  Then I got Jon to take this picture, and well, I’m too tired to get him to take another one, and this was the best of the 6 that he did take.  Yup!  I made him take 6 different shots.  Gotta get the best one, eh?  Oh well!  There’s always tomorrow!  I did take a shower today, and my hair always looks better on the second day. 

Do you find that?  I do!  Why is it that it needs to be a little dirty in order to really hold well?  Maybe that’s just me….okay….I’m rambling.

As you can tell….I’ve got nothing for ya!

I do have ANOTHER non-stress test at 2pm this afternoon at the hospital, and so I’ll update you on that one , later or maybe tomorrow.

We did go for a walk yesterday.  I HATE walking, and I may just give up now.  I have what I wonder if they are contractions, ’cause they don’t hurt, but then again maybe it’s just the baby pushing and stretching…..but they don’t keep on after I quit walking, and seeing as I hate it anyway…..I might just give up.

Gotta love a quitter!

Well, see ya on the flip side.  I can’t believe that I’ll be 39 weeks tomorrow.  That’s a record for me.  I’m a bit nervous that I’ve got a 15 pounder inside of me who is 26 inches in length, and with a HUGE head!  WAAAAAAA!

I really want(ed) a normal sized baby.  I can still dream, can’t I?

So, as some of you mave have noticed yesterday was a bad day for me.  What was that?  You didn’t notice???  …..y’all are so sweet.  Ahhhhh! Anyway, Thanks for playing along.

Today is a bit of a better day, although I’m still feeling like I’m too close to the egde of losing it.

Yesterday was an “all day wear my sunglasses” day.  While that in and of it’s self is not entirely abnormal for me to do….yesterday it was a serious coping mechanism.

I did spend a big part of the day trying desperatly not to cry, and then grateful for my glasses that gave me at least the feeling of it not being so noticable.

I’m just too close to the end, and the pressure of the past couple of years has caught up, and I just want to hold this baby in my arms, and not in my stomach.  It doesn’t help that Jon is stressing in his own way about wanting the baby out as well.  I feel like I have so much pressure on me, and yet I feel so out of control…….ahhh…there it is again….my old friend and enemy….CONTROL…..I hate you too!

There is nothing that I can do but wait, except maybe to all my Drs. office, and fall apart…but I have too much pride to do that….

Seriously, I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but getting pretty close.

If you don’t know why I’m stressing about what should/could just be another typical pregnancy, you can read here, and here and here and here.

The whole story is not there, for each one, and in some it just references what’s happened over the past couple of years.  Long story short….I had Angelica in 1997, Alexandra in 1998, and Jeremy in 2000.  Then I had 4 consecutive losses starting at 25 weeks pregnant, 16 weeks pregnant, 12 weeks pregnant, and 5 weeks pregnant.  Not fun!  Not fun at all!

So, this pregnancy has been a little bit stressful…….okay a whole lot stressful, and I don’t feel really safe, even yet.

Moving on from that little bit of background…..

So, here I am with 9 days left to go until my Due Date, and well……I’m here.  I’m bored.  I’m stressed.  I don’t feel like doing anything.  No amount of praying and walking and squats and anything else I’ve tried has worked.

I know, in my head, that this baby will come eventually, but I want him NOW!

I even know that 9 days is not a super long time.  It feels like it looking at it from right here, but I know it’s not.

It could be because I’m healthier than I’ve ever been that I’m not having this baby early, but really – that’s not making me feel any better.

I don’t know if you can tell because I’m doing a whole lot of whining, but I really am doing better today.  I’m typing and not crying…..first way that you can tell that I’m doing better.

Well, once again, I have NOTHING planned for today, and it’s too freaking hot to be out walking in the sunshine in the middle of the day.

Weird thoughts and ponderings…..I am wondering about the size of this baby.  I’ve had pretty big babies considering how early they were, and I’m not sure if that had something to do with how much weight I gained or if I just have ginormous babies.  If it had to do with how much I gained, and the crap I ate, then this baby still has a chance at being a normal size.  If I just have HUGE babies, then this one should be a monster ’cause the last two were over 8 pounds at 4 and 3 weeks early….just over, but still over……

Also, if you’ve noticed that I seem to just be rotating my pictures that I’m putting up every day…..well…I must explain.  It’s pretty hot out here in the Valley (mid 20’s to low 30’s), and I have two tank tops, and two pairs of capris.  So, I wash and rotate and wear pretty much the same thing every day right now.  (I’m too close to the end to want to spend any money on anything new……mind you I could go out and look for some tank tops to wear after the baby is born….I need some that aren’t spaghetti straps to cover the freakin’ huge straps of the nursing bra’s….might do that today if I feel up to it….but I might just do nothing……my life is so much fun!)  I am actually taking a picture every morning of me….well, Jon is, and so what you are getting is the real deal, and not some recycled picture from a few days ago.

Gotta go, Xan wants to play a ard game with me……hope you have a great day.  Talk to you tomorrow!

August 1st…..how I despise you…

I’ve never been pregnant this long, and while I know that LOTS of others go late….I NEVER HAVE.

I’m tired.  I’m not sleeping well.  I’m feeling emotionally unstable…..it’s been too long that I’ve been wanting to hold my child.

I cried this morning in bed at 6am after already being awake for an hour and a half……Jon please don’t ask me about it……I don’t want to talk.

Everyone else, please don’t say anything either.  I’m letting you know how I feel, but I’d rather you just leave me alone to try and cope.  I am trying to hold myself together, but it’s not working very well.

On a positive note, I had a FABULOUS Chiropractic appt yesterday, and while my hips still hurt, I feel so much better, and yes, the pregnancy related carpel tunnel symptoms were as a result of a severly bunged up neck……That’s been re-aligned, and I’m feeling much better.

My grandparents are over for lunch as so I must go.

Hope your day is great.  Please just pretend that I’ve not said any of this, and feel priviledged that I’ve shared some of what I’m feeling, but let’s just pretend that I didn’t really say anything………and go on with your day.

Thank you!

Alrighty,  So here we are at 11 days to go, and so far today I have nothing exciting to report.

I could just whine alot……I’m so bored, and going to sleep at night is probably the most exciting thing that happens all day, ’cause it means that I’m one day closer to holding this baby.

The only problem with that is that I’m not sleeping very well.  I think that’s because my hips are out, and……AND…..so I called my chiropractor this morning, and I have an appointment today at 4:15pm.  I’m so exited.  I could have kissed the receptionist when she said that they could fit me in today.

I thought that at the earliest, that I might get an appoitment tomorrow, but to know that I won’t have to go through another night of agony…….Ahhhhhh sheer bliss!

I also woke up this morning, with what I think is the beginning of pregnancy related carpel tunnel.  The first three fingers on my right hand were tingly and numb.  Thankfully, I won’t be pregnant much longer, and possibly the chiropractor can do something about that as well.  I know that my shoulder on the right side is freaky sore, and the muscles are in brutal knots and that could have something to do with it……..I told you I could whine a lot in this post.

Well, My day as it’s planned so far……..to run to the quilting store and find some material….then lunch, then a non-stress test at the hospital, and then off to Langley for a chiropractic appointement.  Then dinner, and just kicking around hoping that something happens and I have this baby…….other than that…I plan to sleep, and then wake up tomorow, and update you again with my nothingness.  Sounds like fun, eh?

I know I’m thrilled!

Oh, and as of yesterday’s Dr.s Appointment.  I weighed 203 pounds.  When I had Geli I weighed 214 pounds.  So, I weigh 10 pounds less than when I had her…..that still blows me away.

I’ve gained exactly 25 pounds so far with this pregnancy.  I’ve never done that.  While that might not mean much to you…..it’s huge to me. 

I don’t have a picture today, and I’m already in my pyjamas, and ain’t gonna take one now.

Watch me have the baby tonight, just ’cause I didn’t take a picture on the last day of my being pregnant…….that would sound just about right.

I did have my Doctors Appt this morning, and he did sweep the membranes again, but I was still 3 cm dilated, and apparently I was 70% effaced last week (10 days ago) and this visit I was 80% effaced….so it’s some progress, but really not much.

He said that I am SO ready to go, but we’re just waiting for whatever the trigger is to kick it all into gear.

Waiting!  More waiting!  Oh well!  He also said that he’s not going anywhere int he next bit, and so I don’t need to worry about him not being around for the delivery.

And…that’s about it.  I really wanted to have this baby tonight, but I guess tomorrow would be good too.

Come On, Little One!  Come out so we can meet you?  This isn’t an indicator of how you’re always going to be making us wait for you, is it?