Category: Family

Like Ships Passing in the Night….

Jon went home today to spend a little time with the kids and like ships passing in the night……Judah and I took over at the hospital.

It’s nice to see Geli, and nice to be able to sit (see previous post where I birthed an almost 10lb baby) and not be stressing about the 3 highly active kids at home…..or on the flip side to be stressing about my family taking care of my 3 highly active kids. But, I really REALLY miss Jon. I can’t wait to be able to see him and spend some time with him….talking, loving, just being….but it my be a little bit longer before that really happens. And…..such is life!

I ran into someone on Saturday at Superstore and shared a bit about our story. I got to the part where I mentioned that my eldest daughter was just diagnosed with Leukemia….and to be honest, there is a part of saying that, that just seems so dream like….its like I’m watching or hearing someone else talking about their life….There is this feeling that this can’t possibly be MY life…..my daughter’s life…..my family’s life…..that I’m talking about. It still seems a bit surreal.

And yet, it’s WAY TOO REAL….

We’ve shared some pictures, and talked about some of the better times, and about how Geli is doing so well (and she really is) about how we have peace knowing that this will work out, and about how we feel really very positive about this whole situation, and yet there is this other side to this whole situation…..No one really wants to talk about the negative stuff, but I am going to mention it so that if you pray…you know how to pray….

There are times, when Angelica is sick…..That’s hard. The chemo meds make her feel quite nauseous and when you are feeling that sick…..then nothing feels good. It’s the worst right after she receives the chemo….She gets the chemo on Fridays and then feels crappy right through to Sunday or Monday. It makes life very, very miserable.

The bone marrow biopsy hurts….and even though Geli is given meds to sedate her, it ends up feeling like she’s got a giant bruise on the back of her hip. This makes laying or sitting in bed hurt or ache a bit. Again, not fun!

There is a spot of irritation on the back of her throat, and while we are so thankful that Geli doesn’t appear to have massive sores from her mouth down through her digestive system, this little irritation (that they are keeping a close eye on) bugs her just enough that she wants to clear her throat and/or eat something to distract from the tickle feeling. it also makes her feel like she wants to gag….and that sucks!

Her left leg has a cramp behind the knee that extends up into the back of her thigh and they can’t seem to figure out why it’s doing this. It seems to have a numb spot in it and they’ve ruled out that it might be neurological….but don’t have any concrete reason as to why it’s done this….and so she is on crutches because they don’t want her torquing her body like she was, trying to compensate for her leg.

One of her chemo meds is a steriod and it is wreaking havoc with her sugar levels and they have been CRAZY high. Basically, the steriod has put her in a diabetic state. She doesn’t have diabetes, but her body is not able to produce enough insulin to compensate for what the steriod is messing with and so she is on Insulin and has to inject herself 4 times a day. We seem to have finally been able to get the levels under control….just barely. Today was the first day that 3 out of 4 readings were within the acceptable range…..just barely within acceptable, but still within….up unti today they’ve all been almost double what they should have been.

Also, we should be getting the report from the bone marrow biopsy that they did on Friday…..the previous two biopsy’s showed that 86% of her bone marrow was filled with leukemia cells and with the second biopsy it had dropped to 57%. We are praying for an even better report to come tomorrow…..

And, we are also requesting prayer that Angelica and everyone in our family….both immediate and extended would be and remain healthy.

We’d also love that the infection that Geli had to be completely wiped out of her body asap so that we can all go home together……that would be such a HUGE blessing……

She’s been in the hospital now for 19 days….and although the staff here at Children’s Hospital is amazing and we can’t complain about our stay….it would be so nice to have our family reunited once again and all under one roof.

I’d also like to take a quick moment to say thank you to everyone who has co-ordinated with my sister Michelle regarding meals for our family. The meals have been amazing. There hasn’t been one yet that wasn’t delicious and such a huge HUGE blessing. I’m so thankful to all stepped in and helped us out in this way. It’s so amazing to me to know that my kids and family are able to eat well and that I don’t have to be stressing about them eating out or eating unhealthily.

Thank you to every single one who has brought a meal……I am so grateful. I feel so very loved, and supported and blessed. It means a lot to me that you all would work within our dietary needs and requests and still help us out.

Thank You!

We want to go home

I’ve walked the hallway from Children’s Hospital to Women’s Hospital more than 50 times in the last two days. It’s been such a blessing to have both Patti and Geli on the same floor, just down the hall from each other, but at the same time it’s been a hassle.

Geli had a “bad” day yesterday. She was “NPO” which means no food or water from the midnight before and then was taken downstairs for another bone marrow biopsy and then a Lumbar Puncture (an LP is a hole made in the back to get some spinal fluid so they can do a biopsy on that.) For the procedures she was sedated and then received an anesthetic, and a side effect can be nausea. Then she received more chemo (there are multiple forms of chemo that attack different things), which also causes nausea. So yesterday afternoon she had a slight fever, nausea and was throwing up.

There is also the risk that she has picked up an infection somewhere and the symptoms of that are… nausea and fever. (hence the post from yesterday.) There is a magic number of 38.5 C. If her temp goes above 38.5 then we get an automatic treatment of antibiotics and 10 more days in hospital. She stayed below, albeit just below and has been feeling better today, but she hasn’t completely rebounded. She had a few tests today and everything was within an acceptable range, but they are still monitoring her. If there is a fever that develops then our chances of going home soon are gone.

We are asking for serious prayer that she has NO INFECTIONS, that her temp stabilizes, blood sugar stabilizes and that she is able to eat and drink normal amounts. Patti has just about stayed as long as she will be allowed in the maternity ward and really does not want to go home to 3 kids with a newborn and no husband to help.

Please pray.

It’s my Party and I’ll Cry if I want to

I’m sitting in my room over in BC Women’s Hospital on the labour & delivery ward.

Judah and me are hanging out over here, while Geli and Jon are down the hall at Children’s, in the Oncology Ward.

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We’ve been over with Geli for a good bit of today and then resting while she was gone for her Bone Marrow biopsy and Spinal Fluid Tap and right now we’re just hanging low over here for a moment.

Today has been an “icky” day for Gelica and a “crying” day for me.

Between the excitement of the past few days, chemo treatment, tests, and wacked out sugar levels, Angelica had a barfy, yucky, nasty day……..she’s had no fever though and right now, her blood levels are within normal range – so for that we are so SO thankful.

I’m hitting the end of Judah’s second day of life and facing the lovely hormonal changes that brings. Add on top of that – very little sleep, a leukemia diagnosis, a week of stress and the looming unknown and you have a sure fire recipe for tears.

I’ve cried off and on today and feel some of the built up pressure has released, but I still feel like I could use a really good cry. Just to release all the pressure that’s built up since my last good cry about a week ago.

I hate this. This is nothing that I ever imagined for my daughter, for our immediate family, for our extended family…….it was unfathomable, until now………

I hurt for her. I hurt for Jon. I hurt for my other kids. I hurt!

I look back at some of the little life lessons that I learned over the last year and see how I can use those lessons in my life now.

Probably the biggest one with the HUGEST impact on me………..I learned through this past year in my exercise class!

Stay in the present!

You can handle just about anything that’s in front of you right now. It’s when you race beyond into the future that you can be overwhelmed. I can handle today. Tomorrow I will have the strength that I need to get through that day. If I try to imagine or figure out or plan for the next week or so, or month or 6 months from now…..its too much! The unknown is too great and overwhelming.

So today, I cry and I process and I hope and I cry some more.

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In the middle of my tears, I am aware of some blessings. I am off my feet, even if they have swollen up to elephant size again. I have some amazing quiet, one on one time with my newborn. I’m still with my “baby” even if I’m sleeping down the hall from her. We are being cared for and supported in so many amazing ways by so many amazing people. In the middle of all this chaos, I am blessed and I know it. That doesn’t mean I’m grateful that we’re walking this road, just that I can see some pretty rocks on the path in spite of the dark clouds and rain.

I’ll get through today and when tomorrow comes, I know I’ll be able to get through it as well.

United Together – Day 4 Summary

It was a Sunday and normally on Sunday’s we are up and moving at the crack of dawn or depending on the time of the year….even before then. But yesterday, we slept in.

It didn’t help that we stayed up too late the night before watching a movie; but, it was a nice evening for Gelica, Jon and I.

We finally did get up and moving and while Geli ate some breakfast we watched another movie. Sometimes you just gotta do something to pass the time. And then at other times….you blink and you’ve lost the past 4 hours and it felt like 15 minutes.

Here is a picture of Angelica’s Room.

Geli's Room

It’s tiny and the cot (for me to sleep on) doesn’t help with the squishy feeling). What you can’t see from this position is that there is a sink directly to the left straight ahead of my cot and a TV/DVD player hung up on the wall above the sink.

Nana Karen brought Xandra and Siah in for Father’s Day and it was nice to see them. Siah’s been aware of the change of routine and not having Mommy, Daddy or Geli around. He was very happy to see Geli today.

Cuddles from a little brother

Angelica was allowed to be unhooked from her IV pole for 2 hours today and actually has a standing order for 2 hours a day unhooked….WooHoo! We decided to get off our ward and head on out exploring.

Headed Out Exploring

Well, We made it to the Lobby of the Hospital where we found the gift shop and Siah found a tiny toy station……. So we waited for him for a bit…..

The Lobby is so Exciting

It was SOOOOOO Exciting….NOT!

But, that is life with a little brother…..they like to play and explore and RUN REALLY FAST!!!!! Even in Hospital Hallway’s when Mommy and Daddy are yelling as quietly as possible for him to SLOW DOWN!!!!!

Running Fast

We made it over to the Starbucks and along the travels we managed to scratch Angelica’s left foot and run over the two smallest toes on her right foot. Seeing as her platelets were so low….that scored us a free bag of platelets once we made it back to the ward.

But, before our 2 hours of free, untethered time was up we made it down to the cafeteria for some fries and a Cheeseburger…..On our way back up to the room, we met up with Aunty Sherry. She popped by for a visit before she had to be at work at the hospital down the road….

Visit with Aunty Sherry

After Aunty Sherri left Mommy and Daddy watched Siah in the playroom and Gelica and Xandra stayed in the room and played on the computer…..

Computer Time

And Colored…….

Coloring

Geli looks so pretty doesn’t she?

Later in the Afternoon, Nana Cully came by with Geli’s Grade 7 Grad Dress. They are working on the last minute fittings…..it’s pretty cute isn’t it? Geli’s pretty excited.

Geli's Dress

She rested for about an hour before the time of the day that she had been looking forward to all day long…………Her school friends came to visit…but I think I’ll post about that adventure separately….

We’re all doing well. I’m feeling huge and although I’m okay with our little man staying inside a it longer….I’m also aware that every day we pass means that he gets a little bit bigger and if I’m being totally honest….I’m a little concerned about popping out a 10 pound baby. But……ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right?

We’re up and at ’em this morning (Monday morning) and we’ve (Me and Geli) already brushed our teeth and eaten some cereal. Fruit Loops for Geli and I had a bowl of Frosted Flakes – definitely the breakfast of champions…I might add some strawberries just to round it all out health wise, eh?

Jon stayed over night at the Easter Seals house which is about 3 blocks away. He was finding the teeny, tiny scrawny, short couch in the playroom to be a bit uncomfortable. Hopefully, he got a god sleep last night….it’s just 9am here and we haven’t heard from him yet.

Alright, gotta ditch the jammies and possibly put on some make up…..don’t wanna scare the residents away….

Thanks so much for praying for us. Geli is not feeling sick to her stomach or having any pain. So please continue to pray that her body responds to the Chemo by killing the Leukemia Cells and that there would be no negative side effects to go along with it. We believe that God can work miracles….and we believe that we are seeing those miracles every day. Thank you so much.

Also, you could pray for Jon and I that we would get good rest, be at peace always, and have wisdom and grace in dealing with every facet of this situation. And for the other kids and our family and friends that are helping us out that everyone would also be at peace and that everything would work together and that no one would feel tired or stressed or worn out or nervous or any of those other things that a situation like this could possibly carry with it….

Geli loves reading the comments from you all. It’s so nice to hear who’s praying for us and to hear how Geli’s Story has spread around around the world and is uniting so many people together in faith and hope…….

We love you all.

Day 3 Wrap Up

If yesterday were to be considered a terrible, horrible, no good day….then today could be considered GLORIOUS!

It started off a bit rough, but by 10 or 11am it had picked up and now we are getting ready to settle down for the night.

Geli felt quite nauseous this morning and had a fair amount of pain. She got her morning meds and while we waited for her body to settle out she sat in the rocking chair in her room. She said that it was more comfortable than feeling slouched on bed.

She read through a whole ton of comments from you all on my Blackberry……

Reading Comments on the Blog

And in the middle of that got a call from one of her closest friends at school….

On the Phone with Karli

She was still feeling pretty icky at this point, but chatting with a friend definitely made her day a bit better.

Her other closest friend called her not too long after and that was pretty awesome, as well.

Aunty Debbie and Jack and Nana Karen and Siah showed up right round 10:30am – 11am and it was so nice to see them.

Aunty Debbie & Jack

Snuggles with Jack can make anyone feel better.

Wazzup?

She also played some card games with Nana Karen while mommy and daddy spent a little bit of time with Siah.

Card Games with Nana Karen

Soon after, we headed down to the playroom and then her cousins showed up. We got to play some air hockey and that was so much fun. Lots of laughter and smiles and teasing….

Air Hockey

And then Uncle Eddy showed up with presents. It was so nice to see him.

Uncle Eddy & Gelica

Siah found some dress up clothes and dressed up like a princess. Momma looks like a blimp.

Siah & Momma

Before everyone took off, we had some snuggles with Baby Zacharias. Baby snuggles are the best EVER! But he wasn’t really that upset….this is just a cranky looking picture.

Cuddles with Baby Zach

Angelica got to take a shower today and change into her very own clothes and that was SOOOOOOOO NICE. To be able to get all nice and clean and she even got her bed changed out. There is nothing like being all clean and sliding into clean sheets….mmmmmmmm!

After a Shower

We’ve just been watching a movie and eating dinner in bed and relaxing after a busy but fun day. This is the best day that Angelica has had in over a week and a half. No fever! Smiles! Color in her face! An appetite! Presents! Family and Friends! Air Hockey!

It was awesome.

It was so nice to have an almost seemingly normal day in the middle of all this craziness.

She is still a little bit sore from the surgery, but it’s only been almost 48 hours since her surgery and so really a little bit of pain is not bad.

We’re feeling pretty good about things and are just taking things one day at a time. We’ve talked about good times and bad times and about how life come with good and bad times and how we don’t get to choose to only have good times, but that when a bad time comes you can just ride it out the best that you can and if you have a terrible, no good horrible bad day, then you cry and wait it out and if you have a good day, then just enjoy it for what it is…..This is life. This is our new normal! This is our reality! And we’re gonna be okay. All of us!

I might come back and post about how tomorrow sucks or about how it’s amazing too. We’re just real people with real issues and real emotions and we’re just gonna take all of this one step at a time.

If you’d like, we’d love if you could pray that Geli wouldn’t feel sick and nauseated tomorrow morning and that she’d have a great night of sleep and that the VAD site would heal up quickly. Also, that all her blood counts would do what they are supposed to do. Some need to go up and some need to go down.

Again, we feel so cared for and loved. You are an amazing community of people and we THANK YOU with everything in us.

Saturday Morning Breakfast…..in pictures!

Breakfast is my MOST favorite meal of the day. I could eat Breakfast anytime, anywhere.

My parents called last Friday night and invited us over for breakfast. My youngest sister overheard the conversation, seeing as we just happened to be at her house and invited herself along (my brother-in-law was working).

How could we refuse the opportunity to have a meal made for us and not only that….it was breakfast. YUM!

When we showed up, my parents were just finishing making breakfast.

Nana & Xani

Mom was working on some grapes and Dad was finishing up the eggs.

Whipping up the Eggs

It was still early (for a Saturday morning) and Jack was sleeping……like a baby!

Sleeping Boy

Siah climbed up to the table and was READY TO EAT!

Ready and Waiting

Xani helped with some last minute things like pouring the juice…

Xani Helping

We finally sat down to eat and Siah thought the Ham was cooked to perfection…..

Loving some Ham

Papa told some funny stories! We really liked the one about Uncle Wayne and the Raccoon on the side of the road that he stopped to help.

Papa

Everyone took turns holding Jack….

Sweet Boys

It’s hard work, being this cute…….really tires you out!

More Yawn's

See what I mean…..

More Yawn's

The Breakfast was delicious, and the time with Family was even better.

There are even more pictures of us, and if you’re really interested…you can click through to see the whole set.

Schooling / Homeschooling / Unschooling

We have been struggling immensely with Jeremy and need to make some fairly important decisions regarding educating him next year.

Happy Boy

I’d like to ask a few questions and I’d love to get some feedback.

1. How were you educated? (K – grade 12)

2. What do you feel was the most important thing you learned from school?

3. Is there something(s) that you feel that can’t be taught outside of the “traditional education system”?

4. Did you struggle with any learning disability type issues? (Dyslexia, ADD, ADHD, any other LD, etc.)

5. How did you feel that your school experience helped or hindered you?

6. What academic and social skills (that you learned in school) do you use every (or mostly) every day or even regularly, for that matter?

These are just some of the many questions that I have regarding school. I’d love to hear your thoughts and I’ll talk a bit more about what we are thinking about regarding Jeremy soon.

Reality Bites or does it???

I woke up yesterday morning COMPLETELY DISORIENTED.

I had no idea what day it was or what was I was supposed to be doing that day.

It took me a while to process through that I didn’t think it was Saturday or Sunday, but I wasn’t totally certain. I wondered if it was Thursday or Friday……but that just didn’t feel right. I finally figured out that I needed to get up and get ready for work and yet at that point, I still wasn’t sure what day we were at and I was getting more and more concerned at how “out of it” I was.

When I think back now, I had a great day on Monday and yet……..I couldn’t believe that when I woke up I was so unclear on my day’s and even worse, I couldn’t remember conversations that I had with Jon the night before. (I did remember them after being prompted, just not right away.)

I’m still not sure what the deal was – I do know that continuing on (at work) I had a bit of rough morning, feeling spacey and not “on the ball” like I usually am.

I’m taking this as a sign that I do need to slow things down. As much as I’d like to believe…..I’m not a superwoman and I really can’t do everything. REALITY BITES, eh?

Even without this little “moment” I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…..contemplative thinking, if you will.

I’m headed back into some an intense “Mothering Role” time and it’s got me thinking about all the things that I will be gaining and on the flip side of that all the things I’ll be losing.

Having a 13 year old daughter (that I adore) puts some of this into perspective, but there is still the excitement mixed with the feeling or sense of loss.

See, I’ve (for the most part) LOVED working for the past year and 4 months and in a few short weeks all of the sense of accomplishment and gratification of seeing things come together (in the work environment) to work and flow smoothly will be gone.

At that point, I focus a majority of my energy and attention more on raising my infant, 2 year old, 9 yr old, 11 yr old and 13 yr old. (Wow, that sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it?)

While the raising of the children could be considered the noblest of jobs, I will be the first to admit that
it can take a while to “see” your efforts pay off and that delayed sense of accomplishment can be really discouraging. I look back now at the years spent investing in Angelica, Xandra, and Jeremy and I can see glimpses of the teenagers/adults they will become. I can see some of their strengths and some of their weaknesses and I look forward to the process of building deeper relationship with them where I can help to influence who they become and hopefully release them off into the world fully equipped with the skills needed to be amazing successful adults and contributing members of society. And yet……it’s a process and it takes YEARS. It’s not the same as looking back at your work week and seeing what you’ve managed to do and finish. And…..to be honest, there are time when that is so, SO gratifying.

I’m thrilled that I have the perspective of the past 13 years to look back on and to know that my efforts do pay off and to also know that this is a season and that I can relax and enjoy this time and not resent the days or times when it “feels” like I’ve accomplished nothing important.

I’m looking forward to my house being cleaner (that’s one thing that suffers some when I’m working), to meals being ready more on time, to being at home when the older 3 are finished school, to baking more, to being on top of laundry and grocery shopping, but mostly, I’m looking forward to spending more time with my kids.

This is the thing that excites me the most about this time.

I love my children and I enjoy the time that I spend with them. Okay, there are times when I just wanna send them away, but I choose to look at it as fostering a sense of independence, right??? (You can put a positive spin on almost anything if you try hard enough.) No, it’s not all a giant bed of roses, but I have this opportunity to focus on my job as a Mother and as much as I do feel a sense of loss regarding my status as a member of the “workforce”; I’m also so excited to be able to get back into a rhythm or groove with my kids and my home.

It’s going to take some time and I can see a definite adjustment period as we all learn to work with and around another personality joining us, but it’s going to be good, right?

LIttle Bit ‘O This and a Little Bit ‘O That

I’m sitting on the main level of my house killing time listening to my baby scream his head off because he,
“WAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNTTTTTSSSSSS MMMMMMOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMAAAAAAA!” and seeing as he is mostly over the whole measles thingy and I’m so tired of his incessant night waking, we have started to institute the

Back to Bed, Baby! Initiative.

This involves getting up every time he wakes up and putting him back in his own bed. He is in a bed, and so he can easily get out and the biggest issue that we have is not even him coming to our bed in the middle of the night.

The biggest issue is the fact that since the while measles thing, he’s been waking up around 11 or 12 and screaming for no reason that we can figure out. He is quite verbal (as in everyone who hears him speak can’t believe he’s only 2 years old) and his language skills are quite advanced and so if he so desired, he could tell us if there was an issue…..I think that he’s OVERTIRED and can’t even really handle himself. You should see the dark circles he’s currently sporting under his eyes. Poor Baby.

The 11-midnight scream fest comes in a close second in the frustration factor. The number one issue is that he’s decided that regardless of whether we let him sleep with us or if we put him back in to his own bed, around 2am, he wakes up and then is basically restless and awake from 2am until after 5am. This time usually involves TONS of thrashing around. Crying because the covers are on. Crying because the covers are off. Kicking mommy and daddy in the head/stomach/back/whatever happens to be closest to the thrashing feet. Crying because we won’t let him watch a movie. Crying because he wants to go to the bathroom. Crying because he doesn’t want to go to the bathroom. Basically, there is lots of crying and very little sleep.

And so, it is time to learn how to sleep again.

This likely means that we will get even less sleep over the next 3-4 nights as we sleep train him to stay asleep or at the very least, to once again stay on his bed. YUCK! but it will be so worth it by next weekend when we are all sleeping soundly. I hope I’ve not jinxed it by saying that.

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It was my baby girl’s 13th Birthday today. Angelica became a teenager today. I’m still a a bit amazed that I have a teenager and yet….it’s really not that different feeling from yesterday as she was quick to tell me. Time sure flies doesn’t it.

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Jon and Jeremy went to church today and Xani and Siah and I stayed home. Siah’s still officially within the contagious time period and Xani was coughing like a mad woman. We made coffee cake and an egg/hashbrown hash-type breakfast. We cleaned the kitchen and then sewed like crazy.

I’ll be showing you over the next little bit some of the fun things that I made. Xani made 2 pillows and she did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself.

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We’ve filled and hidden the kid’s Easter Baskets and tomorrow morning we’ll have a treasure hunt for the kids. They are looking forward to it and if it weren’t for Geli’s birthday being today we probably would have done them today, but I wanted to make her birthday special. We had her favorite meal of roast chicken, and potatoes, with carrots and asparagus and gravy AND…..Yorkshire Pudding. And she was a very happy girl. We’ve still not given her a gift or even had a cake so I’m not sure how special of a day it was, but ….well…….ya know……it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?

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I’m still trying to come up with a fun activity for us to do as a family tomorrow……ya know, one that involves being trapped inside the house with a contagious child….ya! should be fun! It’s been a long LOOOOOOOOOONG week and I still have a few days left to go.

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The baby has been making the funniest movements. I’ve been bent over the sewing machine and apparently, he didn’t like being squished because he kept trying to streeeeeeeeeeeeetch out and kept kicking out the sides of my body towards my back. It felt so weird, and yet……….TOTALLY AMAZING. Baby movements are the best thing ever.

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Some people from our complex just had a stillborn at 24 weeks. One week shy of when Nathaniel was born. My heart os breaking for them and all they are going through right now. I only hope that I can, in some small way, reach out and be a support or comfort to them. I’m feeling stressed that I’m pregnant, though and am feeling cautious as to how that might make them feel. So many sad conflicting emotions. In some ways, it’s like reliving the whole loss over again. So SO sad!

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Well, after half an hour, it’s quiet and so I’m gonna sign off and head up stairs to bed. I hope you all had a great Easter Sunday with great food and hopefully lots of chocolate…….

My thoughts on a big family

**Post by Jon

It seems that I have posted enough times to earn the status of ‘regular’ poster, so I get to just post now without having to make the **Guest Post** disclaimer.

When I got married and the subject of kids and family came up, I said that I would like to have two kids and play it by ear from there (by which I meant that after having two kids, I should have enough evidence to convince you that “your goal of having four kids was a bit crazy over-the-top.) Patti wanted four kids. That seemed to make sense as we each wanted families that were similar to the ones that we came from; Patti came from a family with five kids and I came from a family of two boys. The other thought in all of this is that we got married young, figured that we would have kids when we were young, and when they grew up and moved out, we would still be relatively young.

So we had a wonderful girl that grew up too quick, and then another wonderful girl that enjoyed being a baby a bit longer, and as far as I was concerned, I was in heaven. But I was also ignorant about being a dad, especially to girls. To say that I “learned on them” is an understatement. But I also have to admit that this was fun and rewarding in ways that I never could have understood on the other side of non-parenthood.

Then came the first boy. (It seems that playing it “by ear” means that you keep having kids if there is no proof that Patti is crazy) Boy children are different than girl children. Each child added personality, emotion and “fullness” to our family. At this point I was convinced that having four was not going to be a bad thing or that much different than having three.

Then we lost a pregnancy. To be accurate, we lost Nathaniel. We lost getting to know him, and I personally lost the picture that was in my head that included two young boys running around together and being brothers. I had come to know what fatherhood meant and had come to anticipate and look forward to the different stages of life and growth. I knew from the most recent ultrasound that it was a boy, we had already picked names, and I knew “Exactly” what life was going to look like a year from then, two years, five years, etc. I lost that.

Then we lost a few more pregnancies, but nothing compared to losing Nathaniel. Then we had Siah. This was good, not a replacement, but a good note to end on; a good ending to our child-bearing chapter. But the picture was different then. I could see two brothers that loved each other, with one in high-school as the other starts elementary. I could see Siah missing out on the siblings in the same school and walking to school together, and the fun of growing up like that. Experience had also taught me that you can’t plan how any story will end, or even how a pregnancy will fare, so if you asked me if I wanted any more kids, I would have (and probably did say) that I didn’t.

But my emotions were more conflicted than that, and Patti wasn’t sure that she was done, and after all that we’ve been through, this is a decision that we will make together. So I sat by waiting for her to realize that this tiredness and effort was enough and that we were done, and as she took so long thinking about it, my emotions started to melt my logic and soon I was saying that I wouldn’t mind having another one. Finally Patti decided that she was tired enough and that she was done (though I am sure that was as conflicted as me.) We talked one night and both of us agreed that four was the magic number.

The truth is that I wanted to see two siblings growing up together and if it got any longer, then there would be a gap that would make that difficult and my full answer would have been, “If we are not pregnant right NOW, then I don’t think that I would want to try again”. Turns out that we were pregnant right then.

The other night I sat at the dinner table and leaned back in my chair and quietly watched the chaos. The kids were laughing at each other, goofing around, being a little gross and inappropriate. There were skirmishes, some yelling, some politeness, and a few inside-jokes (en Francé). I was watching family… my family. I was watching life interact with life on an intimate and exponential level. From 13 year-old to 2 year-old, everyone had a place and influenced everyone else. I thought about the reality of having one more… a boy brother for Siah, no less! I can see it.

I love big family and I am thrilled that there is one more coming to exponentially increase who we are.

But 5 is definitely enough… I think.