ADD/ADHD – Page 3 – xangelle.com

Finding a lose thread

It feels like I have a million thoughts running through my brain. I just wish I could pick one of them, out of the jumble. I feel like if I could find the loose end of “one” thought……then maybe…..just maybe I could start to unravel this mess inside of myself.

But it seems like the harder I try to wrestle within myself…..the tighter the mess inside me gets and I’m left wondering if I should just stop fighting so hard to unravel it all or even if I should just let it all go?

The biggest thing weighing on me right now is Siah……always with a heavy weight of Jeremy……but today we had a meeting with Siah’s school.

It was a good meeting, as far as meetings go with the teachers, the resource teacher and the principal go.

I’m so…….so……….

I’m so conflicted about it all.

Siah is so different that Jeremy. I get that. I get that no two kids are the same. But I also know what we’ve been through as far as assessing Jeremy and getting him helps and I’m not sure how to even approach that with Siah.

On one hand, I feel like they are saying “THERE IS A PROBLEM.” And on the other hand, I hear that they see the potential within him and they want to know how they can best support him.

I actually do believe that this school and these people really do want to help my son succeed.

I find it so hard, when our experience with Jeremy and school has been SO negative. Dealing with Jeremy and “the school system” was soul crushing. I had people saying that he was a nice kid but then sending him out he the hall or the sick room cause they couldn’t “handle” him.

Throw the maternal guilt and a massive anxiety complex on top of it all……and you have a very messed up trying to function through the pain and rejection while trying to survive against ADHD and undiagnosed Autism.

I keep hearing snippets from today’s meeting playing through my brain and while I desperately want to believe the good about people and situations….I feel like I’ve got a war going on inside of me.

I want to fight for myself and my kids. I feel like I can’t trust people. I feel like people don’t know us and won’t see “us”. I feel like they won’t understand and see the “good”. I feel like I have to fight…….kicking and screaming for everything that we deserve.

I don’t want to live like that. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of living “on my own”. Of raising my kids, “on my own”. Of fighting for my and my children’s right to be accepted and loved as they are………and not only “if they conform to social norms……”

I’m tired.

Jon and I were talking the other day and while I feel like I’ve recovered some from the intensity of the cancer devastation……..we’re left wondering if we will always feel tired like this…..

I don’t know.

I want to hear that people love my kids and want to spend time with them. I don’t want to always hear about how my kids are a problem or how they fall short. I don’t want to hear that I should spank or discipline harsher. I don’t want to hear that I just need to do it “this way” or “that way”

I want to hear that my kids are treasures and that they are special. And not because they have “special needs”

I need to go…..to go to sleep. To hopefully let some of this settle. Maybe in the morning, maybe then I can find a loose end to start unraveling. But for now……for now I will sleep…….and cry……..I hate crying. I’m so tired of crying. It sucks…..leaves you puffy and with a headache…..I hate that.

Cannot wait for the Christmas break. It cannot come soon enough.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health Issues……

I’m frustrated with the whole concept of guilt and Mental Health.

I, in no way, have all the answers; and on most days I question whether I have any answers. What I do know is that I deal with anxiety and have for as long as I can remember. My mom says that I was fearless as a child and so, I’m not exactly sure what happened, because I don’t really have any concrete memories where I wasn’t dealing with anxiety.

At least 3 of my kids deal with some level of anxiety and Jeremy is also dealing with ADHD, Executive Function Disorder, Learning Disability and Autism. All of those fall under the “Mental Health” umbrella. They all have areas of “Brain Disfunction.” In my mind, that means there are areas where the brain is not functioning in a Neuro-typical way. I do understand that there are many who don’t want autism classified as a mental health disorder because it is usually thought of as being a genetically predetermined disorder, and there is a certain amount of “shame” associated with mental illness or mental disorders.

I choose to think differently about the whole concept of Mental Health.

I deal with any physical health issues for myself or my children in a completely non-guilty manner. If myself or one of the kids has a cold, or a broken bone or some other physical ailment, I don’t feel guilty taking them in to see our Family Dr or a specialist, if needed. Why then, if myself or one of the kids are dealing with Mental Health Issues, should it be any different?

In my mind, it shouldn’t be any different at all.

If my car needs a tune up. I get it done. If my house needs a hose for the water tank, we get it done. If our clothes are in need of repair or replacement, then I take care of it. Why do we take care of our physical bodies and our belongings, but hesitate when it comes to mental and emotional issues.

We, often, hesitate to talk about it openly and freely. Sometimes we hesitate to even admit it to ourselves. It’s a tricky subject and not one that everyone understands or even cares to try to understand, but Mental Health and Mental Illness are not going anywhere.

I’m trying to raise my kids to understand that Mental Health is as important as Physical Health. It’s important to take care of your mental/emotional state; and it’s important to take care of your physical state.

If I needed insulin because my body never produced it, or it produced a very small amount……would that make me “less” in some way. Would it mean that I was broken and not as valuable or worthy as someone else who didn’t need insulin shots? So what if I need extra seratonin in my brain, for either a while or even forever……I don’t see how the two are different. What if genetically, I don’t produce as much as you do? Or what if I experienced some traumatic event in my life and the stress has negatively affected my body in such a way that I needed some help, in the form of seratonin or any other mental health drug…….why is that any different than needing insulin or any other drug.

I don’t see that it is.

In my family, there seems to be a huge history of anxiety and depression. I have also experienced a stillbirth, 4 pregnancy losses and cancer, as well as dealing with a child/children with special needs. So whether it’s genetically predispositioned or because of some life trauma…..I don’t know.

What I do know, is that being on medicine has helped “ME.” I’m not advocating that everyone needs to be on meds. Because if you can deal with your mental health issues through counselling and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy….then awesome….but by doing that, you are still “taking care of” your mental health.

For the first time in my life, that I can remember, I feel like the inside of me matches the outside of me. It’s crazy hard to explain, but I will try. I’ve had many people not believe or understand that I was anxious (as a teen or young adult) because I seemed so confident and in control. I think that must be where my kids get it from. They seem to hold themselves (mostly) together when they are at school or church or “out” and then when they get home, they feel comfortable enough to “fall apart”.

I don’t know that I did a lot of “falling apart” but I did use “control” as a method of dealing with how “out of control” I felt. I felt that I needed to control my situations, the people around me and myself in order to feel safe. It got to the point where my “control issues” were hurting my relationships. And yet, I didn’t understand “why” I felt the need to “control” everything. I just knew that I felt safer when I knew exactly what to expect.

I did believe that I was a good person and yet a part of me didn’t believe that. I believed I was a good friend and yet the insecurity and anxieties held me back from actually “being a good friend.” I thought I could do things like “sing” and yet I could never put myself fully “out there” because I couldn’t possibly be good enough and what if I made a mistake…..what would people think of me. I know that lots of people deal with a certain amount of insecurity and I don’t know that I can fully explain just how it felt inside of me. But imagine if you thought you were good enough but then you weren’t really sure if you could believe yourself…..and if you were so unsure then maybe you really weren’t good enough. Throw in some perfection issues which meant that you couldn’t or wouldn’t do ANYTHING you weren’t absolutely certain that you could do with 100% accuracy and confidence………and that pretty much left you not doing much at all. You wanted to do “stuff” but unless you could control the situation and knew exactly what to to expect and exactly what people’s reactions would be and exactly what the outcome would be……….which having all of that fall into place for any specific event, was pretty much an impossibility and if it did…..you came across so confident that no one would ever guess that you were dealing with insecurity and anxiety……and throw on top of that whole mess, that you never wanted to come across as anything less than confident and so you were exhausted all the time just trying to hold yourself together so that you could come across “PERFECTLY” because anything less than perfection was failure and “FAILURE” was never acceptable and basically you have a perfect recipe for disaster.

Knowing what I went through as a teenager/adult, and then when I finally figured out that I was dealing with “anxiety”, feeling so relieved and yet angry and grieved over all the lost time………I am strongly advocating for my children’s Mental Health when necessary.

I look back at my teenage years when I didn’t feel strong enough or worthy enough or acceptable enough to do things like, go to college or university. I figured that I was good at looking after kids and so rather than do things I was interested in, like music or teaching or even in the medical field….I took whatever jobs fell into my lap, got married and had kids. I was too scared to do anything else.

I love my husband. I love my kids. I’m not unhappy with my life, and yet…..I could have done things differently. I’ve shared this with people before and I usually hear something like, “We all feel insecure and regretful of the things we wish we had done but didn’t do.” This is different. I’m talking about life crippling anxiety. Like there where things I wanted to do and yet was SO scared to do them that even the thought of doing it stressed me out, and so I did what felt safe.

I’ve lived my entire life, up until now…..only doing things that felt safe……and that doesn’t seem like a huge list of things, especially compared to things that I have dreamed about doing over the years.

I’ve accomplished a fair amount in my 38 years but I’ve dreamed of accomplishing so much more. I’ve just discarded those dreams because I wasn’t good enough, or people would think I was stupid for wanting to do those things. I believed the lie that others could do it better than me and I shouldn’t even try in case I failed. Because failing is one of the worst things ever. I believed that. I’ve believed that for so many years and I hate it.

This is why I’m a HUGE advocate for my kids and their mental health. I’ve pushed my kids beyond every “limitation” that I’ve had that has held me back. I’ve explained why I’m pushing them into uncomfortable situations. I’ve had them ask for things from adults/teachers/doctors/etc. when they felt uncomfortable doing so. Discomfort isn’t a bad thing. Failing isn’t a bad thing. It just means that you tried and for whatever reason it didn’t work out, this time……..and that’s ok.

Never try, never win
never get a break
You miss a hundred percent of the
shots you never take

Hedley came out with this song and it’s been HUGE for me……

I’m a lot more open now. I say “yes”, when everything in me wants to say “no”, because “NO” is safe. I don’t mean that I say yes to everything. I’m still in recovery mode from the 2.5 years of cancer treatment and the havoc that wreaked on me. But, I will honestly assess my stress level, versus just saying “NO” because I’m scared. I ask myself if I’m allowing anxiety to hold me back from saying yes to something that I might actually want to do and even be good at. I try to be honest with myself about what I can do and what I can’t do, and to not view everything through the lenses of anxiety. I will even tell others that any hesitation they might sense from me is anxiety and I’m not willing to allow it to control or rule my life any longer.

Does this mean that all my days are good, confident days…..NOPE! Not at all. And when I’m having a particularly bad day – as far as anxiety goes – I am gentle with myself and honest with both myself and others as to how I am doing. Because I know that tomorrow is a new day and most likely I won’t feel the same. I have stronger days and weaker days, but now I know that I am “fighting” anxiety and that it’s not me……I’m not bad.

I am enough. I am good enough. I am strong enough. I am confident enough. I am enough.

I want my kids to believe that they are good enough and can do whatever they want. I want them to “go for” the things they want and so I advocate for them and I encourage them to advocate on their own behalf. We talk about strategies for dealing with “issues” and “insecurities” and “anxieties”. We use medication as an aid, if necessary, and we do it all without guilt. There is no guilt or shame in needing help…….whether its physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.

I am enough!
They are enough!
You are enough!

Exhaustion

I’m so tired…….I think I’ve been doing better and then something comes along and knocks me down so flat that I feel like any forward movement I’ve made has all been taken away and I’m right back down to scraping the bottom of the emotional/mental/physical barrel.

This week has really done me in. Between first days and lunches and anxiety and high school……it was all pretty overwhelming but I was hanging in there.

Today totally just knocked me over the edge.

I was originally going to take Jeremy out to the appt by myself, and then we had some issues trying to work out who was going to watch Judah and who would pick up Siah and I thought that maybe I might get out of having to deal with today (avoidance……awesome escapism tactic). Jon felt I really needed to be there.

Oh, I didn’t want to. It’s so hard. When your son doesn’t fit “the mold” neatly and nicely and attempting to diagnose the “puzzle” that is your child means that you have to fight with every ounce of strength that you have and even with some that you don’t have…….it’s tough. And after fighting last time and being so dismissed…….it was such a blow that I…..we….didn’t even really want to hope for this to work out.

And yet we want the best for our son and so we scrape together the courage to go to a meeting where we bare our souls and pull out every negative aspect of our son and of ourselves and of our families…….and lay it all out for someone to see and hear and sift through, in the hopes that they will be able to give us answers – or at the very least clues that will help us to help our child.

I sit there in these meetings and wonder how our genetic soup managed to come together in such a way that our son was given this……

ADHD, ODD, Anxiety, SPD and possibly ASD…..all mashed up together in one small child.

It’s SO much. It’s so much for us to deal with. It’s so much for him to deal with. It’s so much.

And yet, like with Angelica……..we make it as “normal” as we can. Bald is beautiful. Confidence is beautiful. And our brains are all unique and the things that make us unique make us so very special. We play up the incredible aspects and attempt to make the difficult things “just a matter of fact”.

But the truth is……it’s not easy. In fact, somedays it feels like a crushing impossibility.

We won’t know the results for a bit. I’m hoping for an Autism Diagnosis because there is so much in that particular diagnosis that makes sense and yet, I’m so scared to get my hopes up.

I want help. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of trying to be strong. I’m tired of carrying everyone. I’m just really tired.

To be honest, getting the diagnosis would feel like someone was validating just how difficult the past 12 years have been. Don’t get me wrong. I love this young man with every fiber of my being. Which is why I’m fighting with energy that I don’t really feel I have to give…….but it’s been tough…..really tough. And I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

What’s in a label

another post from Jon

In the summer of 2011, right in the middle of dealing with cancer and a 1 yr old baby, and… everything, we had an assessment to see if Jeremy had ASD. Being the geeky, need-to-know people that we are, we went to the assessment armed with DSM-IV self tests, and a whole host of facts about Autism, Asperger Syndrome, and mental health issues. Asperger’s explained everything: pedantic rules, unexplained extreme anxiety, very poor social development, inability to empathize or sympathize (while at the same time being very concerned about anyone being in pain or acting upset), single-minded unyielding focus on certain topics with the inability to focus on almost anything else, and a whole host of other stuff.

I’m not totally sure why, but he was not diagnosed with ASD, but rather Extreme AD/HD (one of the most extreme cases that BC Children’s mental health had ever seen). I was so upset. People think that that is weird or that maybe I wanted the money and programs that are available to kids with ASD, that are not available for AD/HD kids. Some think that a diagnosis that is of a “lessor” disorder should be good news. That’s totally missing the point.

Labels (or proper diagnosis) don’t change anything about the person. Jeremy is an amazing and incredibly bright boy, that struggles with a host of things. Remove him from the medical system and nothing about him changes. With or without a diagnosis he is still smart, and still doesn’t know how to connect with a guest in our house, and still cannot read the faces or emotions of the people around him, and would still never get invited to a non-relative’s birthday, and would still destroy very valuable things that are not important to him, and would still not be able to tell a joke to save his life. He would also still be able to look at a box of junk and invent almost anything he can think of with creative problem solving that boggles the mind, and he would still melt when he stumbles on something that earns him praise.

There are reasons why he didn’t get the label of ASD. One of the reasons is that he would get angry and loose all ability to communicate when he was very young. So we drilled into him how to express what he was feeling. We could not understand how that could be so difficult but after years of walking him through: “are you ‘angry’? are you ’embarrassed’? are you ‘frustrated’? are you ‘sad’? …” he got to the point where he knows, at least academically, what emotions there are and what they apply to. So if he is being assessed and is shown a picture of someone expressing an emotion, he might be able to access that academic information and tell you they are ‘sad’ or ‘happy’. Put him in a classroom where he leaves his desk in the middle of a lesson to collect another broken pencil lead (literally a desk full of tips of pencils that had broken), he could not tell by looking at her face or body language that a teacher was getting impatient with him. Another thing that I think worked against us is that we came in with so much information and were so convinced that it was ASD, that the psychologist kind of felt like she should push back and examine other possibilities…. So we got “Extreme AD/HD with Anxiety and Sensory Processing Disorders”

The label of ‘Extreme’ AD/HD got us new meds and more advanced medical care and it helped a little. Add in “Anxiety Disorder” and meds for that it made some things better and some things worse. Add in “Sensory Processing Disorder” and that explains some things and gives us strategies that help a little (weighted blankets, sensory deprivation rooms, sensory toys, dog clickers… he desperately wants one of these.)

Here’s the issue for me: If I take Jeremy to a summer camp where they have qualified supervisors that know about children’s mental health issues and I say “here is my son, he has ADHD / SPD / Anxiety”, then he gets treated thoughtfully, but he will still likely have a good handful of avoidable negative experiences. If I say “here is my son, he has Asperger Syndrome”, then he gets treated in a way that avoids almost all problems. That’s where a label makes a difference.

A label doesn’t make the actual condition better or worse. It doesn’t validate, exonerate or diminish you as a parent. It doesn’t make symptoms go or come directly. But it does give you a common language, terms that you and the people that you work with understand right away. It does give you access to tools and strategies that are unique to the issue. It does give you the ability to sit your extended family down and say, “our son has _____, and the symptoms for that are ______, and this is how we deal with it, and this is what you can do to help”.

Its a lot harder to have a diagnoses that doesn’t cover the issues and you are left trying to say something like: “hi, here is our son with ‘Alphabet Soup’, but he’s also got issues with social skills, and he has odd things that crank him up with anxiety and they don’t seem obvious, so if you see (here is my list of 10 things for Jeremy to avoid) any of these, then you might need to let him go take a walk outside, and if you play sports you will need to watch what his ‘teammates’ do and say to him because he doesn’t understand… (and at this point they are tuning you out and wondering what monster you are sending them).”

After working with the current diagnosis for almost 2 years and trying everything imaginable with some very very good behavioral therapists and occupational therapists, our amazing home school is using some of their resource money to pay for a private reassessment for Jeremy. The behavioral therapist is attaching a note about her work and observations and has told us, “if he doesn’t walk out with an ASD diagnosis then I am in the wrong career.”

I’m hoping soon that I can just say without qualifiers or exceptions that: “Our son is autistic. He has Asperger’s. If you don’t know what that means then educate yourself – watch the Temple Grandin movie, read a book or two, watch the first season of Parenthood (not totally accurate, but close enough). Then armed with that information, please come and be an involved and help us out… or at least understand what we are dealing with and cut us some slack.”

I’m not saying that anyone is doing a bad job or is not supportive. In fact we have very good family and understanding friends and great church youth leaders. But even they are struggling with trying to understand how to treat J with a diagnosis that is very complex and doesn’t cover everything rather than just reading up on what it really is.

So we wait for the reassessment; maybe August, probably September. We’ll let you know how it goes.

~ Jon

Changes can be Good

So many new changes…

We moved into our new home just over a week ago. The home itself is lovely and bright but the actual move just about did us in.

We have moved so many times over the past 18 years but this move was by far the absolute hardest…..even taking our move from Abbotsford to Langley after 10 years of living there.

I’m not exactly sure what made this move so horrific, but I’m almost positive that our “reserves” to be able to handle stress were non-existent and that made things so SO tough.

We have things settled down to where we can sort of function but we are not actually “settled”. My room is a disaster with unopened boxes still stacked about and we are still trying to figure out how to place our furniture. It’s tough when everything had a place and now the layout has changed and you are not sure how to “Tetris” everything in. There is quite a bit of puzzling and re-arranging to try to fit 7 people and all of their stuff into a new space.

Jeremy is finally starting back into his regular homeschool routine after 2 weeks of chaos. We started a little bit at the end of last week just to ease him into it and then we hit the ground running this morning. Our “office/homeschool” room is still a bit chaotic but it’s coming along slowly.

One of the bigger changes around here, as if moving wasn’t enough, is that Siah is going to the local Elementary School. He started the first Monday that we moved. He’s been so excited. We had a big meeting with the school before we moved and then another “intake meeting”. That one was kind of rough because you are talking about all the ways your child struggles and will need help. Having a child with learning differences is not easy but having already gone through the Infant mental Health Clinic at BC Children’s has totally given us a leg up to be able to get him the help he needs.

It’s exciting to see him SO excited to go to school and meet new friends. Today he is going to attend until noon. They’ve started him attending slowly and are working up. We’ve gone from 1 hour last Monday to half a day today.

I’m shocked at how much it feels like I have “all this free time”. It’s quite a lot of work teaching two kiddos while supervising a third and trying to care for the home too.

So not only are we adjusting to a new home but also a new schooling balance. I’m excited and exhausted. Looking forward to spending the summer out on my deck and in the backyard.

Just trying to get through today…….that’s how my world feels right now. Just focused on today…….sometimes that’s all I can handle.

But I feel like this is a new beginning and I’m pretty excited. I have no idea what the future holds but for the first time in a long time……I’m feeling that we are headed in an upward direction. I feel like I can breathe. I don’t feel like I’m drowning. I’m tired but feel like we’ve crossed over from barely treading water to being able to rest and rejuvenate. It’s such a welcome feeling after the past 3 years.

Tough days

It’s been a tough day today.

I showed up at music practice tonight sobbing and barely managed to scrape myself together enough to walk in only looking like I was half falling apart……bright puffy eyes and red nose.

Parenting special needs kids is not easy and some days are tougher than others. Today was a fairly normal day as far as days go but it was still tough.

The boys wake up moving at warp speed which means lots of fights, lots of meltdowns, lots of yelling and screaming and taunting, very little listening, very little “pause and think before you act” and just generally a whole lot of frustration. And that is all in between 7-8am. Fun! By that point I feel ready to strangle someone but I have hopefully already doled out the morning meds.

It takes about an hour to an hour & a half for the meds to kick in……so however it takes to get the meds into them……it’s still another hour or so until the effect starts to kick in. Cue a repeat of the previous very little/very a lot section of actions.

Around 9-9:30am, we start school and depending on the particular mood of the day, school could be finished in 2 hours or it could take all day. Today we were still working on homework at 3pm……which is an indication of how today went.

There is so much frustration from the boys because they want to be doing anything other than school and I feel like I’m constantly fighting each one of them over different things.

Sometimes, I feel strong enough to handle it and others (like recently), I don’t feel strong enough to handle it all.

I’ve been waffling back and forth about trying Siah in public school because it would be one less thing that I would have to do and fight with him over, spend hours and hours prepping and on the admin stuff. I might actually be able to clean my house or have/create/stick to a meal plan. Wouldn’t that be incredible?

But today he had a gymnastic class that just pushed me over the edge. He was made to sit out of the first half of the class for over 20 mins. Now, in his defence…..I believe the teacher forgot about him…..but I can’t even believe I typed that sentence up. I should not be defending a teacher for forgetting about my child or even for finding it easier to not have him in the class. The class is at 5pm. Meds have started to wear off by this point and unless you really love
him or have one on one time with him……by this post in the evening Siah can be a handful.

But it broke my heart to see him “cast aside” because he couldn’t behave. It was worse in that parents on either side of me were asking me what I was found to do about this as they found the treatment as unacceptable as I did.

I ended up talking to the teacher and surprise, surprise……I started crying. Yah! Just what some twenty something guy want a to deal with an emotional mother of a bratty kid. Yay me!

I can’t fathom sending him to school to have him treated like this. He spent over half the class in total sitting off to the side. The punishment was not effective. If you know ADHD, you will know that long, isolating punishments are rarely effective. And so what? What do I do? Continue to put him in a place that could be so good for him if he would learn? Or continue to put him in a situation where he is leaning to sit in “time outs”? Cause if they continue to put him off to the side….that’s what he will be learning, not how to act appropriately. Or do I pull him out of something that could be great for him.

Well, I managed to get myself together during music practise but driving home, I started to fall apart again.

It’s so tough. Parenting difficult children is so tough and today I feel like a failure. I feel very alone and very insecure. It’s a crappy place to be in. I’m really hoping that I wake up up and feel so much more positive in the morning. I’m REALLY hoping!

For Me, The Investement is Worth it

It’s Wednesday night and Angelica has Riding Therapy. Jon has been taking the two little boys with him when he takes Geli which gives me just over an hour to myself (sort of).

Geli’s been taking Therapeutic Horseback Riding Lessons since the summer. She LOVES it and it’s great exercise for her core and they are really working her quads which is one of the muscles that severely wasted away over the past 2 years.

First Day of School

I still have Jeremy and Xandra at home with me, but for this hour…..they fend for themselves.

I’ve been pounding out schoolwork for the two little boys on previous Wednesday’s, but I am taking the time tonight to type out an update on where the boys are doing with school.

Nature’s Stained Glass

Long story short……They are both doing INCREDIBLE.

We had an assessment today with their “teacher” who oversees me who is actually doing the “teaching”. It was not the most exciting meeting, but it validated the effort that I’m putting in which makes it worth it…..sort of.

This whole homeschooling thing that I’ve been doing. It’s a freaking full time job. Both boys definitely have multiple issues. Jeremy’s have been diagnosed (although I’m not sure of how accurate the diagnosis’ have been or if there should be another one.) Josiah’s have yet to be diagnosed, BUT he definitely has sensory issues and I’m pretty much 100% positive that he struggles with ADHD although a lesser form than Jeremy.

Teddy Bear Patterns

We have an appointment for Jeremy with the psychologist at the ADHD clinic at the Mental Health Unit at BC Children’s on Monday and I’ll be asking the psychologist what it will take to get Siah seen as a sibling.

L is for Leaves

Having said that….Josiah is LIGHT YEARS ahead of where Jeremy was at this point in his kindergarten career. Some of that can be attributed to not having as severe a case of ADHD as Jeremy but I also believe that being able to “cater” to his busy-ness and his particular learning style also contributes to it. I don’t believe that Siah is WAY smarter than Jeremy but that he has been given an advantage over Jeremy in many ways because of what Jeremy has gone through in previous school years. There are aspects of that, that make me sad, but there is nothing I can do about the past. I can only learn from it and move forward.

The White King of Egypt’s Crown

When I watch Siah sliding off his chair into a puddle on the floor as he chants his alphabet sounds, I am struck with a sobering thought and I wonder how much of the past month and a half of kindergarten he would have spent in the corner or on a time out chair or at the principals office. When he balks at using a pencil, preferring to use a pen because it “writes softer” (he has issues with the way the pencil “drags” on the paper)….I wonder how frustrated his teacher would have gotten with him for not wanting to write. It’s not that I fault the teacher, but there is no way that Siah would flourish and grow in the way that he’s been able to over the past month and a half.

Moments of Frustration

We start our mornings around 9am and we are typically finished for the day at noon. If Jeremy is having a particularly rough day, he might still need to do a few things after lunch, but most days he is finished by lunch time as well. Lest you wonder, he’s ahead……WAY AHEAD of where he should be in his lessons for the year AND…..he’s done more in the past month and a half than he would have done in 4 months at school AND…..the best part….he ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT HE’S BEEN STUDYING AND WORKING ON.

He’s learning and even better….he’s SO EXCITED TO LEARN!

He can DO IT!!

The teacher is talking about taking him off of the “special needs” educational track and putting him on a normal education track…..and honestly, last year when she first brought that up….I was terrified…this year it’s not so scarey because I am seeing how much he has improved and in so many ways.

Cuniform Tablets

He still needs help with the “social” aspect of life. There is so much that he doesn’t “get” and it is in that area that I wonder if there should be a different or additional diagnosis. Fortunately, he is still working with an AMAZING Behaviour Therapist. Elizabeth McWilliams Hewitt has been a most incredible blessing to our lives. There are things that she’s explained in ways that make sense to ALL OF US and tips that she has shared that have made HUGE differences in the way that Jeremy is able to “handle” life and in the way that we are able to deal with him and to help him deal with the differences in the his life and in the way that we can understand what he is going through. We are so thankful to have her as a part of Jeremy’s team.

Brothers

We have had a full month and a half of school. We’ve crafted and created. We’ve printed and written. We’ve typed and painted. We’ve gone for nature walks. We’ve done PE. Jeremy is taking a Computers and Technology class at the TLA school. Siah is so close to reading. Judah LOVES to do exactly what Siah is doing and is so excited to be “coloring” as he calls it…..that’s all he thinks Siah is doing. Not learning, not dreading school, not getting in trouble for his wiggly bum….just coloring and cutting and gluing.

His TLA Avatar and apparently I need to take a better “grade 7” school picture.

Jeremy is getting crazy amazing marks and although I don’t care what his grades are, I LOVE seeing how proud he is of himself every time he scores another 100%.

It’s been a good year so far. It’s been a tough year. Teaching two boys with issues is tough. Teaching two boys with “ISSUES” that rub each other the wrong way….Siah needs to make noise and the noise flips Jeremy the crap right out…..on some days seems next to impossible and yet….it’s worth it.

Making Butter

I would love to have the boys in school. I’d love to be able to just enjoy Judah especially after the past couple of years we’ve been through. I’d love to have time to craft and sit and heck, sleep…..but, I’m choosing to look at this time as an investment. I’m investing into my boys and I can see the initial payoff…..I wonder how incredible the pay off will be as they continue to grow and mature.

Butter

I get the privilege of helping my boys to excel and succeed. Some days I wish I didn’t have to help so much or see it all so clearly and from such a close viewpoint, but I know this is worth it. In the very core of me, I know I’m doing the right thing for right now. I keep having to remind myself of that on VERY BAD DAYS (Yesterday was one!!!)

Ribs and Lungs

I have no idea how long we will continue to do this for. If you had asked me about homeschooling a few years ago, I’d have told you that you were insane….if fact, I think I said that to one of my friends…..for sure I thought it when my sister started homeschooling her girls and yet……right now, it’s what’s best for my boys.

Science Project

My house is messier than I’d like. I have next to no free time. I have zero energy by the time the evening rolls around…….but……my boys are succeeding in ways that I couldn’t have even imagined 2 years ago….and that is so incredible to me.

Printing and a Tiger

These pictures that are throughout this post are just some of the pics that I’ve taken from our many crafts and adventures throughout the past one and a half months. It’s been a busy but fun filled time and I’m excited to see where these amazing boys will be at the end of the year….at the end of this school year. You can see the rest of the pics if you want to, right here!

Catching My Breath.

Things have been insane around here recently. I have had no time for myself as you may have noticed by the silence over here.

It was not something that I was intentional about but I have felt like my life was on speed.

working on schoolwork

I…..we, have not been in a good place and for the first time since….well, since before the new year and probably WAY before then even…..I feel like I can…..well, I feel like I can almost breathe. I have these moments where I can see that I should be breathing and yet, I feel like I am still holding my breath and I have to remind myself to let go of the breath that I am holding so that I can take another and another and another.

It has felt like things have been going down hill for a long time, but at the same time, I was trying so SO hard to carry on. Since the New Year and the whole BONE CRAP…..it has felt like things are going faster and faster down hill and that I could no longer even attempt to stand strong against it all. I have felt like I was being crushed under the weight of everything and at the same time…..I couldn’t be crushed because there was too much that still needed to be done; and so, wounded and broken I carried on.

we like to do school, too

At the end of last year we applied for the Disability Tax Credit for Jeremy regarding ADHD. In April we received a bit of money and made the decision to use ALL of it to get some help.

We interviewed a bunch of people and none of them really seemed “just right”. As we continued through the hiring process, I got discouraged. I started to think that maybe I was looking for something that I wasn’t going to find or that maybe I was expecting or hoping for too much. As a last resort, we contacted the church we are attending and asked the Young Adults Pastor if he knew of anyone who wanted or needed a job as a Mother’s Helper. He suggested someone and it turns out that there were two sisters that came for an interview and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect duo. They are sharing the job and starting last Monday, I have help from 8:30am to 4:30pm and the two women are INCREDIBLE.

Who needs skateboards to play at the skateboard park?

They are sweet and responsible and loving and the best part……..my boys LOVE them. I am SO THANKFUL. This couldn’t have come at a better time because we have 5 of us in counseling right now and between all the appointments that we have been going to….I think I would be completely WIPED!!!!! if I were trying to do this all on my own, and with the two little boys always in tow.

I’m hoping to be able to have a little bit more “me” time. It would be so nice to not feel like I was ALWAYS behind on things, or to not feel like I was never able to catch up or stay on top of anything.

New pink glasses

I feel like I’m trying to catch up right now. I don’t even know if it’s possible and there’s a part of me that wants to just ignore everything in the past and just start fresh moving forward….and in some ways I’m doing that…but it still feels like I’m overwhelmed with everything that I’m carrying. Oh Well, I guess that’s just more for me to hash out in counseling. Fun!

my baby is getting so big

There is So much that I’ve wanted to share. But I’ve just not had the time nor the energy. Hopefully, I’ll have a bit more of both as the days and weeks carry on. I just want to thank each and everyone of you who has prayed for and encouraged and reached out to me and to us. I have had NO energy to “be a friend” to anyone at this point and this journey has felt like such a long and lonely journey and each time someone reaches out, it feels like a hug. Each time someone sends an e-mail, I feel encouraged or picked up. Each time, We get a message letting us know that you’re praying or thinking of us…it gives us a little bit more energy so we can pick ourselves up and carry on. I….WE are so grateful and thankful for everyone who is walking this journey along side us. Please know that although I still feel like I am in Survival Mode and barely scraping by, that I am SO incredibly thankful for each one of you.

Siah’s sand dude!

LOVING TO LEARN / LEARNING TO LOVE

Ah….the baby’s been asleep for a while and I’m doubting that he will sleep long enough for me to finish a post. I should have…..well…no, I shouldn’t have anything.

I’m trying to not guilt myself into doing or not doing things and the fact of the matter is….I ate my baked potatoe while I leisurely browsed through my reader and anything else that caught my eye….yah, basically I wasted time, but…..IT WAS MY DOWN TIME and I’m trying my hardest to be okay with that.

Siah and the baby have been sick with a cough and runny nose. They are doing okay….but Jon and I…we are tired. Siah sleeps through the night, but hacks and hacks and hacks away. Judah on the other hand. He’s been up a minimum of 3 times a night crying and coughing and sounding Oh! So! Pitiful! He’s currently sleeping open mouthed on my couch and keeps coughing and coughing and I keep thinking that he’s going to wake up but he’s not…..which is amazing.

We’ve had a pretty strict schedule for the past two weeks and he’s actually been taking naps in the afternoon. I’d say that 4 out of 7 days a week, he’s sleeping for at least an hour just after lunch. I kind of “force” him to stay awake until after lunchtime. He’s usually a miserable mess by that time, but….it ends up with a little quiet time for all of us which is so nice.

We’ve been rocking through schoolwork in the mornings and finishing the “focused” stuff by lunchtime. After lunch we do arts or PE or if there was something that we didn’t get finished in the morning we finish that up.

We’ve been really working hard on multiplication. Its so foundational and something that Jeremy really struggles with. In the past, he’s HATED Math but this past week I asked him how he felt Math was going and he said it was, “Fun-ish?”

Although he had sort of a question to his answer…..it was still better than HATE!

I found a website called “Right Brained Math”

Check out the videos of the different times tables…..incredible!

Have you ever heard of this or seen anything like this? I’ve never ever seen anything like this. I’m well aware that there are patterns in Math, but I had no issues just memorizing the times tables and so I never needed anything like this. Jeremy is a completely different story.

The pictures and tables and patterns make so much more sense to him. He can make the tables up all by himself right now and even after 2 weeks, I can see that he is more confident in his math skills and as a result…..his self esteem is better. He’s not feeling so stupid.

This is where I get so frustrated. He’s not a stupid kid. He just has a different way of learning but when you end up SO FAR BEHIND the other kids because you haven’t mastered a concept yet but the class needs to move on to the next topic….and then its time to move on again and you still haven’t mastered the original concept……it’s no wonder you’d end up feeling stupid.

There are a few things that are really important to me over the next little while. I want Jeremy to WANT to learn. I want him to equate learning with fun! It is fun to discover new things and I want him to see life like that. I want to get beyond this current mindset that learning is something that you HAVE TO DO and IT SUCKS! I want him to learn how to type. His writing is atrocious and as soon as he learns how to type…we’ll deal with a few issues. His writing is illegible, most of the time. He HATES writing, printing…anything like that. And….once you learn how to type, you should be able to actually type faster than you can print. So, typing is important to me. Another big one for me is writing. I don’t mean printing but actually being able to get your thoughts out onto paper or the screen in such a way that it’s clear and concise and expresses feeling and emotion and get across the facts that are needed.

Currently, he pretty much HATES anything that I’ve listed as important…..which is mostly everything. But, I’m finding that between being able to explain why each thing is important and how it relates to him and his life goals, is making a difference. We are also working through an ADHD workbook that helps him to think through different scenarios and allows him to process them outside of the the pressure that an immediate situation brings.

On top of the stuff that we are doing “in house”….he’s also signed up for a Musical Theater class that he stressed over for close to 2 weeks, which when I peeked in on him in the class on Monday….his smile was bigger than his face and he was having a BLAST! There is also a Homeschooling PE Class and a Lego Robotics class that he’s taking as well. He’s excited about all of them, now that he’s done the first theater class….

I am already seeing little changes in so many areas and then….in others, not so much. It’s tough. I have to keep remembering that I’m working with a kid who has a learning disability and that he’s not going to just magically change. But, if I look over all at the big picture….I still think we’ve made the right decision for right now.

It’s tough. It’s oh so crazy busy and I have to be on top of everything ALL THE TIME or else CHAOS REIGNS.

Wednesday was a ROUGH day. I tried to take a video of him, but they didn’t turn out. We forgot to give him his meds first thing – don’t ask how we possibly forgot that, but we did – and he was a vibrating mess until 10:30….at that point, he felt so upset about himself that the rest of the day was pretty much wrecked. We did manage to get his school work done, but it did require some creative effort on my part. We managed to get through the entire day with only one bout of crying – his not mine….in case you were wondering.

In contrast, Thursday was probably the BEST day and he FLEW through his work with excellence….it was pretty incredible.

So, we have ups and we have downs. I continue to encourage him that he’s learning and having fun and that there is NOTHING WRONG with getting an answer wrong…it’s only an opportunity. An opportunity to learn and that’s what life is all about, isn’t it?

I’m hoping to instill a LOVE TO LEARN mentality along with the ever important LEARN TO LOVE mentality that I believe should guide our lives.

It’s in process….we are all in process, aren’t we? And that’s such a good thing…can you imagine being stuck where you are at right now….forever….no growth….I can’t!

Minute by minute

The days this week have moved by so unbelievably slow (in the moment) and yet I blink and it’s lunchtime and then I blink again and it’s dinner time….followed by bedtime and then we do it all again.

It’s not easy juggling the 11 year old student with the 4 year old child and the 1 year old toddler BUT…..amazingly, there is less stress overall. My days certainly feel stressful when Jeremy is upset because he doesn’t understand something and then Siah started whining about wanting to play on the Wii and then Jeremy gets frustrated and yells at Siah for bothering him and during it all the baby is clinging off of me wanting……something, anything……in those moments – I breathe. And then I breathe again.

Settle everyone down, get a new activity for Siah to do, pick up the baby and try to talk Jeremy away from the ledge that he’s figuratively perched himself on.

It’s…..well, fun is very definitely the wrong word, but it’s…..it’s…..well, it’s never dull. Busy….i think busy is the right word.

We start off our mornings eating breakfast together and reading through a kids devotional story.

And in the middle of all the chaos, I’m okay. Tired…no, EXHAUSTED; often stressed about being able to really get through to Jeremy, sometimes worried that I will not have enough time or energy to focus on the other kids; I worry about being able to continue this beyond this week and yet….I believe that aspects of this will change and evolve. Somethings will be easier and some things, we will just let go of as we find a rhythm, a groove! All of us are learning right now. From the oldest to the youngest….we are all on this journey together and overall, I’m okay with it.

Our house feels more peaceful….less stressful. I asked Jeremy how he felt this first week was going and he shrugged. then I asked him if he felt more stressed, less stressed or about the same amount of stress as he had wile at school and he instantly replied with “less stress”.

So, That’s a good thing, I think!

I must find “me” time in the middle of all of this. Being “ON” all day is tiring and I’m definitely going to need to be very aware and careful to take care of myself.

Judah is sleeping right now and the boys are watching a movie while they finish lunch! Things are more or less quiet and I’m going to just sit and enjoy a cup of tea….until the baby wakes up…..which I hope isn’t for a while, but honestly I don’t have much hope for that.

Thanks for all your encouraging comments. I appreciate each and every one of them and each and every one of you!

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