Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

Good from Bad (part 2)

I’m wanting to put this down here so that I can just walk away from it over the next 2 weeks.  

It’s not that anything HORRIBLE happened but it seems to me that it’s a lack of knowledge…..or, it could be that everyone was tired and emotional.  But my responsibilities lie with the little one in my charge and I have the honor of standing up for him until he can stand for himself.  

My biggest issue with what happened yesterday is the misunderstanding of what was really going on.

I believe children want to do their best and if for some reason they are acting in a way that doesn’t fit the situation……we, as adults, should be asking ourselves “what’s going on under the surface?”

Children want to please, they want to succeed and so often their “negative” or “inappropriate” behaviours are a result of their insecurities and anxieties over a situation that they can’t figure out, control or succeed at.

If our first response was not one of frustration or assumed disrespect, I believe that so many tense situations with our kids could be dissipated before the kids got stuck in fight or flight mode.

Siah was sad and overwhelmed and running away from those feelings and emotions.  The harder people tried to force him to face those feelings, on his own…..the harder he dug his heels in.  The moment that I joined him, in his feelings, and helped him to carry and process those feelings is the very moment that his defences started to come down.  

This is not something that is solely applicable to Siah….this works for every child.  

  • Believe that children want to succeed.
  • Believe that children want to please.
  • Know that something else is going on, if they are acting contrary to those two beliefs.
  • Attempt to determine the cause of the anxiety or anger
  • Empathize with the child ( you don’t have to fix the situation, validate their feelings and check in with the child to make sure they feel understood and that you have the correct read on the situation)

I have found that this works almost 100% of the time to dissolve anger and anxiety.  

It’s almost impossible to work through anything or to teach a child when they are in fight/flight mode.  And anxiety in children often presents as anger.

Anger is usually a secondary emotion to fear or sadness and usually presents when a child is feeling out of control.  

Empathy and empowerment are two of the most critical tools when working with children, in my opinion.

As adults, it’s our responsibility to work with the children and to adjust to their needs and deficits while continuing to teach and encourage in those areas of deficit.

They are the vulnerable and needy. We need to put their needs first. 

I believe that there may have been a personal desire to be in the assembly which may have prompted personal feelings of anxiety for missing a special event.  But…..if the focus had been on why Siah was struggling and not on “just getting him back to the assembly”….the entire situation could have gone down very differently.  

Think of a tug of war over a canyon….with the child on one side and an adult on the other….the canyon is the event or idea that is causing the anxiety…..the harder the adult pulls the child,  the harder the child will pull back trying to remain in a place of safety.  They will quickly lose all ability to reason and rationalize as they struggle to find a place of safety.  If the rope is laid down and the adult crosses over to the child,  they can stand together on the edge of the cliff and talk about the issue without the fear of being pulled into it. Once the adult lays the rope down, there is nothing for the child to be struggling against.  They may be SO terrified that they don’t realize the rope has been laid down and it may take a moment to help calm them enough to see that……but it’s SO MUCH easier to do that beside them, then across the canyon. 

Siah did go in and sing “What a Wonderful World” and I’m so glad he did.  He sat with me at the back of the assembly and enjoyed the videos and the music.  At one point, he leaned over to me and said, “Something good always comes from something bad…..the good thing in this bad situation is that I’ll get to meet a new principal, right mom?”

In the middle of his stress and anxiety and internal chaos……he’s still looking for the silver linings.  I love that.  

Our children will struggle – that’s a given – and some more than others, but it’s our job to stand beside them and to help guide them through, until they are strong enough and confident enough to do it on their own.  It’s a privilege and honor to be able to be there for them, especially the more vulnerable ones.  

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this…..not necessarily Siah’s particular situation but this idea…..this idea that children inherently want to please and that we can help or hinder the situation with our actions and reactions.  Is this a foreign concept to you? 

I’d challenge you to try it then next time you come up against a child who seems defiant…..it will blow your mind!

Good from Bad

I’m SO ready for this break.  Not that it’s really a break…..what with kids home from school and then this little thing called Christmas.  But this fall has been a busy one and it’s not been easy.  I’m ready to jus step off the crazy train for a moment and just BE with my family.

Today was a tough day for Siah.  Any day that’s off schedule and out of the norm is tough, but this last week of school before winter break has been one filled with assemblies and parties and treats and crafts and singing…..

While that sounds fun, for Josiah, it’s overwhelming.  To make it even worse, his Principal is retiring and today was her last day. He LOVES her and in a lot of ways, she has been his lifeline at the school.  While teachers, friends and classrooms changed, she was always there…..caring for, championing and encouraging him.


He’s mentioned a few things that have made me wonder how much anxiety he was carrying over her retiring, but I think he’s internalized a lot more than he’s let on.  

I’ve brought it up a number of times, to remind him and to allow for opportunity to process.  He understands from a conscious level but I think that he’s been struggling to process the feelings and emotions.

There was an incident at school today and I don’t have all the facts, but I heard another student looking for “Siah’s mom” and when I left the assembly to see why I was needed.  I was informed that they were just going to try and call me because Siah was very upset.  

I found him in the stairwell, clutching the Lego creation that he associates with his Principal and acting quite belligerent.  

I was almost 100% certain that his actions were entirel because he was overwhelmed with feeling and emotion and unable to process those feelings without help. 

He was refusing to go back to the assembly and quite upset that people were “forcing him” to go back.  The part in all this that’s so tough for me, is that this is a little boy who doesn’t quite understand or speak the same social/emotional language that the rest of us Neurotyoical People do.  He looks like he should and some times, he knows enough to fake it…..but really, he’s lost and has no clue.  So here he is and he’s run headfirst into an extreme emotional scenario (a retirement assembly) but add into that, that he feels devastated that she’s leaving and terrified of what the new year/new principal will bring. 

Now demand that that child, who doesn’t understand the language, his feelings or the situation……demand that he face his fear  and do it NOw, in the language that he doesn’t understand.   

He says that someone told him they were really disappointed with him.  That is brutal for a parent to hear.  I don’t know that’s exactly what someone said or if it was inferred.  What I do know is that what Siah received and he felt shamed because of it. 

When I found him in the stairwell, he was so on edge and definitely in fight/flight mode.  He was refusing to go back to the assembly and I knew that there was a bigger issue.  He’s been walking around our house singing “what a wonderful world” for the past 2 weeks….and commenting about how it’s the principals favourite song and that they were going to sing it for her. 

I tried to see if he would come with me but no dice.  Then I asked him if he was sad and feeling upset because the principal was leaving.  At that point, tears started to run down his cheeks.  I asked if I could give him a hug and he put aside the Lego and allowed me to comfort him while the tears fell.  I tried to convince him to come back to the assembly but he was scared and refused.  I told him we could sit in the office but when we got there, it was locked.  So I suggested we sit in the hallway.  He agreed to that.  I pulled him into my lap and talked to him a bit more about how this moment would never come again and that he would be so sad if he couldn’t sing the special song.  We heard them start the song and he agreed to come inside the gym, while holding my hand, if I stood with him.

So we sang with the rest of the students.  I let him keep the Lego creation.  The main issues in my mind were calming him down, haveing him be apart of this very special celebration and recognizing & understanding his emotions while acknowledging that it was ok to feel sad and overwhelmed.  

He told me that he was told he couldn’t have the Lego as fidget and while I understand that it’s neither discrete nor small……it’s definitely tied into today’s bigger issues. 

I may come back and post some more about this more tomorrow but for tonight, I’m going to head to sleep because I’m falling asleep on my phone.

Any thoughts?  Questions? Comments???