I Felt Like My Head Was Going To Explode.

I almost asked Jon to pull over onto the side of the road so that I could get out of the car and lie down on the pavement.

I hurt so bad, and all I could think was, “If I could just not move then the pain might go away.” All the while, the van was jerking violently over every crack and bump in the road and swerving wildly around every hairpin corner. The continual lurching to a stop, combined with the lights pulsing from shadow to glare 10 times per second just about sent me over the edge. I wanted to throw up and was desperatly trying to keep myself from throwing up and the tension of those two acts countering each other was about more than I could take.

I finally did make Jon pull over at a gas station to pick me up some Tylenol and Advil and I pounded the combination down faster than a drowning man gasps for air. I wished I could just cut my head off – not to die, but just to be rid of the pain…..it was absolutely overwhelming and we still had 15-20 minutes left until we made it home, but it felt like it was a billion days. I couldn’t even fathom continuing on like I was. (In reality he was driving normally – this is what it felt like to me)

About 2 minutes after we pulled back onto the road, I made Jon pull over and I unloaded onto the side of the road…..which totally sucked because I watched some of the medication that I was so desperately craving now sitting on the side of the highway…….and then I don’t remember anything more until we pulled into our driveway and I somehow made it out of the car, up the stairs and face first onto my bed in the darkness.

My mom asked how what wrong and I’m not even sure what I said to her. I layed on the bed and hurt so bad that I started crying, but that made it all hurt even worse and so as bad as I was feeling, I forced myself to stop. I must have fallen asleep then.

Jon said that I slept for about 45 minutes and in that time, the combination of the Tylenol and Advil kicked in and when I woke up, I was still in pain, but it had eased up so that the pain wasn’t the ONLY thing that I could focus on.

I can’t believe how horrid it felt or how quickly it seemed to come on. I had a bit of a headache when we left work, and by the time we made it to Surrey, it was bad enough that I probably would have taken a few Tylenol when I got home. Somewhere between Surrey and Langley, it had morphed into the kind of monster that took over my life.

I took something stronger last night and slept peacefully – albiet drugged – from 11:30pm until 4am. Then I had a hard time sleeping until about 6am, but slept from 6am-8am. I still hurt today, but no where near like what I felt yesterday.

I’m not loving this.

It hurts. I hope that it doesn’t happen again sanytime soon. This was seriously the Mother of All Headaches. I used to get headaches ALL THE TIME, and then I didn’t have any for FOREVER. This one kicked any ol’ migraine that I’ve ever had. I’ve felt like throwing up before, but never actually threw up. Now I can check that one off my list of things to do. I’ve seen the spots and done the whole fuzzy thing, but to feel like I just blanked out because of the pain……WOW! I’m hoping that this was a fluke one off thing.

Do any of you suffer from migraines on a regular basis? Do they wreck you for a day or so? What do you do?

Un-Official Snow Day

I went to work yesterday in sandals and didn’t wear or even take a jacket. Now, I was wearing this scarf (in a dark red), but……as lovely as it is, it’s not quite the same as a coat.

So, as I was saying….I left the house dressed for spring. It was a raining just a little, but reallly not too bad. I didn’t even put a coat on Siah as I figured that we wouldn’t be outside (underground parking) and so, if I didn’t have to drag more stuff around……BONUS!

During the afternoon, it started snowing. By the time I was ready to leave work, it was FREEZING COLD! To walk across the breezeway was BRUTAL! It was SO COLD!

I headed home and it took me over an hour and half. One car had made it into the ditch, but mostly the delay was due to all the people TERRIFIED by the skiff of snow on the ground. Now, I will admit that by the time I made it out to Abbotsford, even I was slipping a little – but I did make it home safetly.

This morning, the kids were desperatly hoping for a snow day, and I was desperatly hopinig that there wouldn’t be one, and when the first child pulled up the district website and read the news….there was cheering from the mom and dad’s bedroom the disappointment was so think you could almost taste it.

The kids did manage to pull themselves together and get themselves ready for school, and at the last minute, Jon turns to me and whispers if we shouldn’t just keep them home today. I just about sucker punched him then and there because what it sounded like he was saying was,

“How about if I tell the kids they can stay home all day and get into everything that you are trying to do with your day at home? They will create more mess than a bunch of stay cats, and I will go down into my hole of an office and leave you to deal with all the hassle of everything, but I will look like the good guy and they will love me because I suggested that they get the day off? What do you think?”

I gave him the “one raised eyebrow look” that says more than words could say and he said that he would in fact help out with the kids and not just leave it all on me.

And so……..the kids got a snow day today!

They are so excited and it’s some exta special time that we are getting to spend with them which I think is awesome because we’ve been SOOOOO busy with my working and all the travel and with our Sunday’s being a work day instead of a family day and so……today is a nice bonus in the middle of everything. Not something planned, but something appreciated and treasured and just grabbed a hold of and enjoyed.

We even took some pictures, as it was Siah’s official first time out playing in the snow.

Just click on the picture to go through to Flickr to see the whole set.

Oh the Awesomeness!

Seriously Amazing.

I’m sitting here with a towl wrapped around me – red faced, sweating, stinking to high-heaven….I just did 30 minutes on the eliptical machine. It started out with me chanting, “I hate exercise. I hate exercise. I hate exercise.” It’s been kind of my mantra. And somewhere along the line I figured that particular phrase was probably not really motivating me to continue on and so I switched to saying all the positive phrases about why I liked exercising…..which was difficult to to at first without lying…..and then once I figured out that I am happy with what exercise is doing for my body, and what it’s doing for my heart and what it’s doing for my weight….that kind of stuff – then if got marginally easier to figure out positive things to say.

I mamanged to make it all the way through without stopping and then got ready to really enjoy my shower……except that there is no hot water. NONE! and weve not done anything today to use it all up. So, I got to check the water heater aaaaaaaaaaaaand…it was off. Somehow, last night it must have gone out and so now I’m sitting here in my own funk just stewing for the next 20 minutes until I can deal with my bad self.

We have a Professioanl Day today – You should be so lucky. The best part of the day is that the kids have signed onto this card system for chores and it’s working so fabulously. Mind you, they are definately my children and have gotten carried away this morning with the “details” of setting the system up. So far this morning, they’ve spent a ton of time getting ready to do the chores and are only just now starting to get the actual chores done.

BUT….last weekend….the kids cleaned the house and all it’s going to cost me is tickets to a movie for the family. That’s some seriously sweet and cheap maid service for ya.

Question for you – How do YOU motivate your kids to pitch in and help around the house?

I’m Still Here

I can’t even fathom the fact that it’s been almost 2 weeks since I last posted.

The thing is…..I want to be on here recording more of what’s going on in our lives and yet…..i just haven’t.

Our lives are busy. Good busy! But busy, nonetheless, and I’m typically exhausted and I like to bring funny stuff here. As I type this, it makes no sense to me because who cares if it’s funny. I just love to go and read about other people’s lives. And even the boring stuff is interesting to me because it’s more insight into who they are and what they are doing and why they do things the way they do.

I know that it’s only a “part” of their lives, but I still find it fun and interesting.

So, here I am.

I think the biggest thing that I’m frustrated is the fact that I am currently spending 8 hours a week in the car travelling and that SUCKS! That’s an entire day of my week gone. I’m trying to figure out how to use that time….on the phone or when Jon’s with me we can be planning and discussing things, but more often than not it’s just wasted time. DOUBLE SUCKS!!

AND….on top of that, I’ve started to exercise and I’m up to 40 minutes on my eliptical machine which if you throw in a shower at the end – which is totally necessary – that’s an hour each time, and I’ve scheduled in 3 times for sure and if I can, I try to do more. This whole exercise thing is funny. I hate it. Even after almost a month, I still hate it, and yet I think about getting on that machine way more than I ought to – so there is something that is happening that my body is craving…..and I seem to hit my stride at about 12 minutes in and then I LOVE IT for the next 20 minutes and then I HATE IT for the next 8 minutes. They usually go something like this…..imagine me trucking along on the machine and as the cycle of information (minutes done, speed, distance, calories and heart rate) pases by I count down in 30 second intervals (that’s how long it takes to cycle through) 8 minutes…….7 and a half minutes……..7 minutes…..6 and a half minutes……Jon, come and distract me……Siah, come and dance for mommy…….I wonder how long I’ve got left to go now…..AAAAAAAAAK! Are you kidding me still 5 and a half minutes…..okay, 5 minutes, now….

And it goes like that all the way until the 40 minutes is up….LOVELY, eh?

I know that I’m feeling better and that I have more energy, and there are times that I “WANT” to get moving, but somehow it’s not my most favorite thing to do. Any of you, out there, exercise freaks? Will I start LOVIN’ this at some point? Or is it always just going to be a decision to make it happen?

Another thing that’s frustrating me about this is that instead of losing weight……I actually put on weight? I’m watching what I’m eating and I gained about 4 pounds. When you are trying to “LOSE” weight – well, the gain just really threw me. I’m sticking with it, and I’m now at 183, but still…..what’s up with that?

I wish I had taken my measurements at the beginning to see if I’m losing inches. I think I am because the “muffin top” that hung ever so elegantly over the waistband of my jeans is almost non-existant and I have room in my belt when I put it at my normal “comfy” belt hole. So, both of those things would lead me think that I’m changing shape, even if the number hasn’t done what I’d like it to. Oh, and there’s the loving way that Jon mentioned that where my butt had pretty much slid down into my thighs, now it’s retaining a more shelf like appearance. Thanks for putting that so eloquently, honey! You’re have such a way with words – eloquence like a poet…..seriously.

Well, I’m sure that I could ramble some more, but i got a baby to feed and myself to get ready for the day and then I gotta kick it into high gear as today is an “at home” day and I gotta lot to do in a short amount of time.

Busy, Busy, Busy!!!!

I am so looking forward to a time when things area bit slower in our lives. In fact, as I type that – I may need to just create some times that are free and slower so that we have some “down time”.

This week has felt a bit crazy, and yesterday I left the house at 9:30am and didn’t get home until 8:45pm….almost 12 hours of being out and caring for Siah out, as well.

I am SO NOT USED TO THAT.

Don’t get me wrong – the little dude is amazing. Such a trooper, and he is typically so happy and when it’s nap time – he just nurses and then sleeps on the floor on a blanket for an hour or two. It’s awesome. I couldn’t ask for an easier baby. BUT….he’s not just baby anymore and even though he’s happy – HE IS BUSY! And always climbing and getting into things. And that can be a bit wearing, especially if I’m trying to “accomplish” something.

I keep having to remind myself that “HE IS MY MOST IMPORTANT JOB RIGHT NOW!” That tends to pull things back into perspective for me.

We have just a few hours at home this morning and then we are headed off to pick up the girls from a birthday party from my sister’s house and then we are headed – once again – into town. We are going to spend some time with Nana and then sleep over at her house so we don’t have to do the LOOOOOOONG drive in, super early tomorrow morning.

I’m sitting here bloggin when there are so many other things that I could be doing. I just finished 25 minutes on the eliptical and so I am sweaty and sticky and stinky and that just needs to be dealt with. The house needs a tidy and we won’t be home until late Sunday night, so that has to be done today or we come home to some serious fabulous-ness for Monday morning. YUCK!

I also need to do some laundry and some other general tidy/cleaning and take a look at the grocery inventory to see whether or not we need to pick something up for Monday so that the kids aren’t whining about no food.

And so, I will go to get moving on my day.

I have a few questions for you guys though…Do you have a strategy for “down time”? Do you schedule it in? Do you take down time or no? How do you fit everything in and not be totally stressed out?

ps – February will be bringing a super-duper sale in the shop so be looking for it.

Slowly but surely….

Well, I think that January has been fairly good to me.

I joined a biggest looser challenge because I really wanted to have someone to be accountable to. I know that if I really set my mind to it – I could just lose the weight that I want to. I just happen to find it so much easier when I’m in the mind set that I’m completing against others.

And so, while the first few weeks seemed a bit slow as far as weight loss – I think mostly because I was trying to wrap my head around what I should/could/needed to be doing – I think that I’ve settled into a fairly decent stride.

I knew going into this 3 month challenge that I would need to add some exercise into my life if I were really serious. I started the month off @ 189.8 pounds…..SUCKS! I had been down as low as 175lbs a year ago and then the weight started to slowly creep back on…..15 pounds in a a year! Not good!

I weighed myself this morning and am currently – 182.4 lbs. So, just under 7.5 pounds of weight loss in one month. And….I’m pretty happy with that.

We bought an eliptical machine and I’ve got a decent groove going on with that thing – now the trick will be to just keep going with it. I see it as so necessary, not just for weight loss, but also for my health in general.

I’m still in the “hurting” phase of my exercise journey……my legs and lower back are not happy right now, but soon….soon they will be loving me and my machine.

I’m loving that my clothes are not pinching me as much as they used to a the beginning of the year, and I’m looking forward to the day when I have to go and buy new ones because my current wardrobe doesn’t fit.

Until then, I will be watching what I eat and exercising….that’s my plan…no gimmicks, no pills, just common sense and hard work.

Do you have any weight loss or exercise or health goals this year?

Early Morning Rising

I know tht 7:40am is not technically early, but….I’ve been awake since 5:45am, and as far as I’m concerned….thats freaky early.

We had a meeting to attend yesterday and so when Siah fell asleep on the way into work yestrday morning – I decided to push him all day without a nap. I knew that it would most likely result in a bit of a cranky baby later in the afternoon, but that it would mean that he would go down at bedtime earlier than usual and that we’d be able to have our meeting without any distractions or meltdowns.

And….it worked perfectly as planned. Siah was a bear by 4:00pm, but promptly fell asleep at 6:50pm…..early, I know! The meeting was scheduled for 7pm, and I had no sitter for Siah. The other kids were out in Abbotsford with my grandparents, and we were in Vancouver.

So I figured that we’d have an early start to today, but I didn’t count on it being quite that early.

So, I’m sitting here snuggling with a very large cup of extra strong coffee…my mother-in-law uses espresso for her drip machine….WOW! But, I have to say that I am a little nervous about the drive home. Typically after two full days of work back to back, the hour’s drive home on Wednesday night usually takes some effort as I want to fall asleep – I think that I might even need to stop and get a Starbucks before I head out. Yuuummmmmmm!

We had a good weekend and I have some pics that I hoped to get up yesterday but I was CRAZEE busy and well, it just didn’t work out. Maybe today???

I think that Sunday was the back breaker as far as me feeling sick, and I’m definately on the upswing as far as feeling better goes. Not that I feel awesome, and the snot…..OH MY GOODNESS the snot is amazing……but I’m not still wondering if it’s turned into strep and if I’m starting to get an ear infection.

I do feel so bad for Xandra. She came into our room early Monday morning cryng about how bad her throat felt, and unfortunately I knew just how ad she was feeling.

This has been just so bizarre as we are almost never sick and I am SO READY for it to all be gone.

Well, I should probably at least start getting ready for the day, no?

Thanks to all for your thoughts and well wishes. We so appreciate everyone who thinks of us and remembers with us.

ps. I did 25 minutes on my Eliptical Machine on Monday night and now I can’t walk….it’s pretty funny. I’m thinking that it’s going to be even funnier when I try to get back on the sucker tonight.

The Day Before….

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of the day that Nathaniel died and was born.

It’s been a funny lead up to the day….funny – different or funny – weird not funny – ha ha.

We’ve talked about it off and on for the past month, but more “in passing” as opposed to an actual discussion about him or the day… and now….here it is upon us.

This is the first year that I’m very aware that I’m not grieving the day in a very hard way. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that since that time, we have been blessed with a living child.

To be honest, I didn’t grieve this day last year very hard either, BUT I was out of town and busy and didn’t even really realize that the day had come until it was mostly over. I was just trying to get thorugh the day in an “out of the norm” schedule and with a 4 month old.

It was probably 6 or 7pm that evening that I realized that I had forgotten and really even at that point I had only a moment to feel terribly guilty that I had forgotten, and then my time was once again consumed with Siah and my surroundings.

So, I’ve had this week, off and on, to remember and to put some thought into tomorrow. I woke up this morning remembering how I woke up and felt uneasy that he wasn’t moving and how I tried to tell myself that it was nothing….how I stressed all morning and then finally late in the afternoon we went to the hospital and it all began…..

What a hellish day.

I’m so glad that I’m 4 years removed from the weighty emotions of that day. I had a moment yesterday where I teared up thinking about a little boy who would have been around 4 years old……but who is only a thought…not even a memory…just a dream or a hope.

I think that we will do what we’ve done ever year except for last.

It’s the way that we celebrate life and remember Nathaniel.

We will go out for breakfast and then go and buy some hellium ballons and write notes to Nathaniel all over them and then let them go in a near by park.

This year will be a little different with Siah around to get on it all….I’m thinking that we’ll have to get a balloon that he can keep. He’s not going to understnad why he had a balloon in his grubby little hands and then all of the sudden it’s gone and he can’t have it back……too funny.

Just because I can talk about all of this without feelig crushed under the heavy weight of grief doesn’t mean that I don’t still hurt thinking about all that we’ve lost. It’s just a different kind of pain. I think that if I had to describe it…it’s become a part of me. I will always have this little piece of my heart that belongs to Nathaniel and while the wound of the loss is not immediate and fresh – there was still a wound and it left a permanent mark. I’m okay….in fact most days, I’m definately better than okay….but I live with this….this is just who I am. I have a child – children actually – that I don’t get to hold and cuddle on a daily basis, BUT……

I do appreciate the children that I have, that MUCH MORE because of it, and even if that was all I got out of “all of this” then that’s amazing, but it’s not…there is SO MUCH MORE that I’ve learned and that has been given to me as a result of the loss and in a weird way, I’m thankful for what my children – ALL OF MY CHILDREN – have taught me.

So, tomorrow we celebrate life! If there was one thing I could leave with you it would be,

“Live your life with no regrets!”

I hope your day tomorrow is full of love, and peace and hope. Mine will be!

It’s About that Time of Year, is it?

Well, Jeremy came home with a bit of a cough about a week ago, and then it seemed to spread to Siah and then the girls started coughing…

I figured that it would pass in a few days and all would be fine.

Well, either it was a wicked little bug with some severe staying power or it just weakened our immune systems just enough for it’s friend “THE ALMIGHTY NASTY POWERFUL COLD” to move on in.

My mother-in-law was down for the count yesterday, but whatever she’s got is different from what I’ve got.  And I don’t think that I could have picked it up that fast from her anyway….you know with incubating periods and all….the little buggers have got to have some time to spawn….or something like that.

Anyway, so I’m full of snot and I have a bit of a cough but it’s mostly just in my throat…..there is no real chest involvement going on over here…..just lots and lots and lots of snot.

YUCK!

So, I’m pounding back the Vitamin C and drinking an entire ocean load of hot lemon water and if I feel like partying it up real hard, we might throw a little homeopathic remedy or two around – you know, just to keep it interesting.

The problem is…..I really am supposed to be working today.  I got stuff to do and books to cook and well, I’m just trying to figure out what is really important and what I can just put off for another day.  Oh so much fun!

What I want from you – my dear sweet Internet friends – is your best cough/cold remedy.

You know, the one that you use when you feel like crap?  Or maybe it’s the one that crazy Aunt Maude started pushing on your family 60 years ago and no one can explain why or how, but it really does work?  Or the one that Uncle Harry brought home from the war and claims that it saved him and an entire Amy Hospital from dying?  Or the one that your best friends mother uses and you have to avoid the house for 3 days because it smells so bad – but she claims it really works?

Ya know…..just help a girl out over here and in return…..

Here’s a cruddy first morning picture of me just crawled outta bed, no make up, one snot drip away from needing a fresh tissue…..I’m feeling really yummy here.

sick

Feeling HUGELY Under Pressure

I feel like I’m under pressure to make EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. COUNT.

I feel like if  I take some time as down time, then I’m not going to be able to get everything done and if I get behind on stuff then how will I ever manage to stay on top of it all….laundry, cleaning, organizing, planning….so much stuff to do….

See, today is my home day.  Right now I have 2 days during the week that I am fully at home and while I realize that this would be a HUGE luxury for some, this is a HUGE change for me.  I am used to every day being a home day and there is a HUGE part of me that liked the slower pace of being at home. 

To be completely honest, there was also aonther part of me that was completely bored…and so it’s a good thing that I am now able to be busy, but I am still in the whole “adjustment period” of things.  If you’ve had a child go from being at home every day to going to pre-school or kindergarten and they come home and are so over-tired from the overstimulation of the day…..that’s where I’m about right now.

I come home absolutely exhausted whenever I’ve been working.  I don’t know how all you “working mom’s” do it.  I am finding that as with just about everything in life that I see both the positives and the negatives in our situation.  I do trust that it will eventually work it’s way out to a great routine, but this sorting things out and figuring out the new “normal” is a bit taxing – on me.  The kids seem to be doing good…Sunday’s are probably our hardest days just because of the length of the day, but again…we’ll work it all out soon enough.

I know that I need to add some sort of an exercise routine into my schedule life as it would probably help me out too.  Still working on a “schedule” – I hope I can figure one out soon.  I do so much better when I “know” what to expect, as opposed to just flailing around spontaneously…..although I recognie that a certain amount of spontanaiety can be a good thing especially if you tend to be a bit too controlled..not that I’m anything but completely balanced in that aspect…Ha Ha HA HA HA HA HA!

Oh well……Today I’ve managed to made a big pot of chicken veggie soup from the roast chicken that we had for dinner last night and that should last us for dinner tonight as well as for a couple of lunches. 

The kids have tomorrow as a ProD day and we are just going to take them into work with us.  It should be interesting!  They can play and watch videos and I just have to figure out what to take for us all for lunches tomorrow….fun!

And then…..Then we are going to hang out with our friends tomorrow night.  It’s been far too long since we have spent any time with them and it will be fun to just hang out and relax.  We can always use a little bit of downtime, and this is some of our most favorite ways to relax….hanging out with our friends…no agenda, just chillin’…

What are some of your favorite things to do to relax…either personally or as a family?

ps.  I added some of our pictures up over at Flickr so you can either click over HERE to check it out or click on the “Photos” button in the menu at the top.  There are about 6 new albums that you can click through – if you’re interested??