Category: Thankfulness

Laundry Will Always Be There For You

It’s never ending, isn’t it? I feel like I always have a mountain of laundry in some form….whether it’s dirty laundry to wash or clean laundry that needs to be folded.

It’s like that meme about laundry always being there for you. It will never let you down. Ha!

As I finished folding the laundry, I glanced over at the sock basket, which was full to overflowing. Ever so reluctantly, I pulled the basket up onto my folding table and started to match socks.

While I LOVE folding clothes, (I know, weird right? I just love making neat piles.) matching socks is not my favorite. Overflowing baskets are not my favorite either so, matching socks it is.

As I matched and sorted the socks, I kept asking myself how I could possibly be truly grateful for this.

While I have lots to be grateful for, I’m not promoting fake gratitude. I do want to be actually grateful for the things in my life and not just mouth empty words.

It’s true that I am grateful that we have enough socks for our whole family. I am also thankful that we have lots of easy to match socks; but honestly, neither of those really fill me with gratitude.

When it comes right down to it, I was truly grateful that the job was done. I’m also truly grateful that we have enough socks that, once the job is done, I don’t need to do it again for a while.

What are you grateful for, today? I’d love to hear.

Beginnings & Ice Cream

Well, here we are, day 1 of this Gratitude Challenge.

I’d love it if you would either leave a comment, here or on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram…..however you found yourself here. Or even just leave a post on your own profiles, using the hashtag #marchtogratitude.

It’s going to be fun to see the posts on social media when you search, using the hashtag.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been a pretty negative person. For me, living a life of gratitude has been born out of my misery and complaining; and then my desire to not be a negative person. Usually, I will start complaining or moaning about something; and once I catch myself….then I look for something good in the situation.

For example, I hate mornings. That’s already been established. So when I came downstairs to start the morning “cat herding” this is what greeted me.

Cool Whip Container of Ice Cream

I could have got upset at my boys (that seems like a typical reaction to this scenario) but I’m constantly looking to “flip the script”.

My first thought was, “Ice Cream for breakfast, huh?!?”

My second thought was, “Take a picture of that, and send it to your sisters.”

Third thought was, “Well, Breakfast is taken care of.”

No upset, no anger, no disappointment. The bucket of ice cream is going to be gone sooner than I intended, but I wasn’t planning on having any so it really doesn’t affect me and when it’s gone…..it’s gone!

They got calories, dairy, and then they took all that sugar crazy to school. So, I’m good!

To wrap it up…….I’m grateful that my kids are independent enough to get their own breakfasts. I may need to talk a little more about appropriate food choices, but in the end, they ate with no complaining and I didn’t have to do anything. I got to drink my coffee that I was also SO VERY GRATEFUL FOR!

I’m calling it a win and moving forward with the day.

I’d love to hear what you’re thankful for today? Coffee? Sunshine? Family? A Job? What?

T minus One

So, If I’m honest, there probably will be no “typical” post for this Gratitude Challenge. You may get a picture with a description. You may get a long winded story or wonder of all wonders, I may actually plunk out some well thought out gratitude prose. Just come along for the journey and share……please share something you’re thankful or grateful for. That’s the fun, creating a community where we can encourage one another.

I sometimes get told that I look like I’ve got it all together. I have to try really hard to not screech at the people who say this, because it’s all just smoke and mirrors. I’m one of the biggest “Hot Mess” moms that you’ll ever come across.

Today, on the day before the Gratitude Challenge officially starts, I’m super grateful for lipstick, messy buns and sunglasses.

I’m not a morning person. Not! at! all! and most days, I crawl out of bed and attempt to wrangle children, feed and clothe them and get them to school before I get “THE CALL” that my child has been marked absent.

If I beat that call, I’m totally winning. Even if I don’t! Still winning!

But lipstick, messy buns and sunglasses make me feel like a million bucks, until I have to go inside the school, take my sunglasses off and then, inevitably someone asks me if I’m okay. Because the mom who picks my kids up later in the day, she has make up on and clean clothes. Early morning mom…..she has lipstick, sun glasses and yesterday’s clothes; and she ROCKS it.

See, it’s not all deep, heavy stuff like the last few days, BUT…..cultivating a mindset of gratitude will help to get you through those tough kinds of days, if they ever happen to you.

Are you ready for tomorrow? I hope so. I can’t wait to hear some of the things that You’re grateful or thankful for.


What if……

But what if I can’t do it everyday…….

So?

What does it matter? There is no right or wrong with gratitude. There is no failure. Imagine that, being a part of something where there is only success……

If you are thankful or grateful for one thing, you are winning!

If you are in a tough situation and you look for the light, you are winning!

If, even only once, you find the good within the bad, you are winning!

You can’t lose. I guarantee it

When you start to become aware that you are looking for the light, you can’t miss it. Picture a pitch black room, with no light. Now if someone, turns on a spotlight, will you see it. Yes! How about a flashlight? Yes! How about a match? Yes! If you are looking, you will see the light no matter how small!

Once you start to look, once you are aware that there is light, always…..you will find it and it transform your outlook on life. It’s crazy and awesome and mind blowing.

Imagine trudging through your day, at a job that’s difficult and thankless and just overall hard. If you focus on that, it all sucks. If you start to look for the light, it all changes. It’s not that it magically becomes easier but it changes. Your perspective changes. You see things that you may have missed or just might not have noticed and all of the sudden, it’s a little less horrid. The situation didn’t actually change. It’s still full of challenges, But your perspective changed and its amazing how much of a difference that makes.

June 27 2010

This is day that I left Jon and Geli at BC Children’s Hospital, and drove myself and my newborn home. I could not see any light, in this day. The next day I wrote this post, and while I was miserable and struggling, I was also so aware and thankful of the love and support we were receiving. Knowing that I had support of a community, helped to keep me going.

It wasn’t some “joy filled” thankfulness but it helped me to shift my focus from the immediacy and intensity of the moment and widen my gaze to include those who loved us. This brought an awareness of the love and kindness and encouragement that was available to us. That awareness helped to bolster my strength so I could keep putting one foot in front of the other. It helped our family to get through a very long 2.5 years of cancer treatment.

I’m excited to start this Gratitude Challenge on March 1st and just be more intentionally aware of the things that I have to be grateful for. Obviously, I’ve started already but I do hope you will join me in looking for the light and share how it impacts you.

Challenge, WHAT?

Did you read my last post and think it might be a good idea but then dismiss it because it might be too involved?

photo credit to
https://www.instagram.com/avi_acl

Here the deal…….it can be whatever you want it to be. You can write down “coffee” every day for the entire month if you’re really thankful for coffee. You can write a paragraph about why you’re so thankful for the rain here in the “Wet Coast” of BC. You can jot down 1 word, 1 sentence or even just take a picture and maybe if you’re feeling all sorts of crazy, you could add a description.

It’s an opportunity to be intentionally thankful. You can make it as easy or as involved, as you like. I guarantee you that I will do a bit of both. Some days, I might have more to say and there’s a good possibility that I double up on a day or two, because the day just gets away from me.

So, what am I hoping for, from you…….Everyday, come and leave a quick comment about something you are grateful for. If you’re on Instagram or twitter, use the hashtag #marchtogratitude, if you know how – but no pressure if you don’t…..because it’s not about that. It’s about seeing the beauty all around you. It’s about seeing the beauty even in the mundane, in the good times and the bad times, even in grief filled times.

I honestly believe that choosing to look for, and intentionally see the good, has helped me get through some really, REALLY tough situations. And it’s not like I’m all Pollyanna or Mary Poppins over here, I wallow! Oh man, do I wallow, and moan and complain and feel sorry for myself. I let myself feel all the feelings and then I pick myself us and look for the beauty. I search for the good. I look for things that shine however dimly within the darkness. I acknowledge that there is good and…..because I am looking for it, I find it.

Would you like an example of how this has worked in my life?

In January of 2005, I was pregnant with our 4th child. On January 23rd, he stopped moving and it was the worst day of my life, up to that point. It definitely ranks up there in my top 10 of worst day’s ever. I was far enough along in my pregnancy that I needed to deliver him. The day that he was born, January 24th, 2005, was such a dark and painful day. (That whole year after, was surreal.) I remember sitting at our kitchen table, that evening; and someone dropped off a meal, some cookies and a bottle of wine. I remember looking up at Jon through my tears, smiling and saying that I guessed it was a positive that I could have a glass of wine, now that I wasn’t pregnant.

Obviously, I’d take my child being alive over being able to have a glass of wine, ANY DAY. But even in my haze of grief, I was searching for something good.

As those dark days went on, I remember thinking to myself that Nathaniel’s life couldn’t be in vain, that his tiny, short life, needed to have value and worth. I knew it must but I couldn’t see beyond the pain and grief. When the haze finally cleared enough, I could see that, his legacy was one of compassion, empathy, grace, mercy, and understanding. Without the personal loss, I wouldn’t have valued life as much as I currently do. I feel so deeply for people who suffer loss on any level and I seek to understand what they are going through. These are my lights within the darkness. The good things that have come from desolation and despair……and I have so many others. Maybe I’ll share some of them with you over the next month.

If you don’t have stories like this, be thankful. Be SO thankful for the good things….but know that there is good even within the “bad.”

It’s easy to go about our day’s, just making it through but every once in a while I like to be really intentional about my gratitude and I find that I get SO much out of it.

Would you join me? I’d love to walk this with you.

Living a Life of Gratitude

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

(If I had a sound track of my life that would be the title song. Obviously I’d need to write it because it doesn’t exist, but that line would feature heavily, as it’s kind of what I do.)

You are an AMAZING Community of people…..Ya! YOU! And I love when I share about something that I’ve made or been thinking about and how you all encourage me and share your thoughts. It’s one of my favorite parts of the day, when I get a response from you.

Some of what I’ve been thinking about is Gratitude and how we, too often focus on the negative.

Oh, I’m late to school again.

Oh I have to make lunches.

Oh, My house is always messy.

I said this this morning as I frantically cleaned because we have a play date with a friend who has autism. My little friends (and even the not so little ones)…..I LOVE them to death. There is something so pure and innocent about their ability to speak the unfiltered truth . I want to live like this. I want to be a truth speaker, in love, but to not hide in ambiguity and half-truths. Oh, I’ve been on the receiving end of that spoken truth, MANY TIMES. I can’t tell you how many times, my boys have said, “Mom, I know you’re fat but I love how your tummy squishes when I snuggle you.”

Ooooof! They are actually complimenting me but too often we focus on the negative and miss the good parts. They love my squishy hugs and I love hugging them. Win/win!

As I was thinking about this, this morning, it hit me. We could have a month of gratitude. I mean, technically we should have a life of gratitude, but baby steps, people!

So, starting March 1st, I’d love to invite you to join me as I “Flip the script” and be thankful and live a (month) filled with Gratitude. It should be easy. (Famous last words, I know!) but we just need to find a minimum of 1 thing a day. Just find one thing every day that you can be thankful or grateful for. I’ll even suggest a list of easy cheat items that you can be thankful for, if it’s a really BAD DAY! HA!

I’ll be posting here, on my Facebook page and Instagram and I’d love it if you would join me in one of those spaces. There is such power and strength in community and I guarantee that you’ll be able to re-frame some things that happen in your life, over the month of March. I mean, come on! It’s Spring Break, we’re gonna need to dig deep and find things to be thankful for.

Comment below or on my Facebook page and let me know that you’ll be joining me.

****************

Now here’s where I’m gonna do a little shameless self promotion and I don’t want you to feel pressured AT ALL, by my next words….

BUT!!!!!

I do have some notebooks and journals listed on Amazon and I’ve found that when I have a place to list the things that I’m thankful for, it seems more meaningful and seems to “stick” better. You could use any journal or notebook or even just a piece of paper, but If you happened to love one of my journals, I htink that would be SO cool!

Here are a few to look at:

You Are Enough

I Choose Joy

My Gratitude Journal

You Make A Difference Everyday

Or you can see if there are other ones that you like better here!

Again, NO PRESSURE! You can use any note book!

Let me know if you’re in, I’m excited to start this and I hope you are too!

This boy…..

Daily Photos

Tuesday's are our days. Knowing he's going into Kindergarten in September makes these days even more special. #judahzane #mybaby
Posted by Instagrate to WordPress

This is a picture from earlier today. I love this little boy something fierce. It’s not that I don’t love the other boys (and girls) but this little one has his own piece of my heart, in much the same way that the others all have their own special pieces.

I had no plans to get pregnant with this one. He was such a surprise and at the time, I was so conflicted. I already had 4 children and had lost 4 others…I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to be pregnant again with all the accompanying anxiety, sickness and fatigue. And yet…..as soon as I knew I was pregnant, those fierce maternal instincts kicked in and I could not fathom not having him.

I was also conflicted because he would be our 5th child and life had not been easy with Jeremy and at that point, all we knew was that he was dealing with ADHD. It was while I was pregnant with Judah that we started to pursue an Autism Diagnosis for Jeremy. And then……just when we were expecting Judah to arrive, we discovered that Gelica was just starting an intense journey with Cancer.

So many dreams and plans that I had in regards to Judah’s birth were dashed. I like to believe that regardless of how your baby is delivered, that as long as the baby is healthy and alive – it’s a success. So by those standards, he arrived and was alive and was healthy and so………..SUCCESS!!!!

Sort of!

That time was such a difficult time filled with sorrow and so much grieving. There was so much stress. And this “ideal” that I had held of a peaceful home birth, followed by opportunity to enjoy my baby and his infancy was demolished. It was replaced with severe anxiety, chaos, fear, uncertainty, mortality, insomnia, medical knowledge that we never wanted to know about, and a family split between two places.

I honestly wondered WHY this baby was born. Why was he born into such unrest? I wondered if he somehow held a key to Angelica’s journey back to life. We actually saved his chord blood in the event that he was a possible match for Angelica and she needed stem cells. I feel so much guilt over that because in essence we robbed him of blood designed for him on the hope that it might be able to help another child…..so tough.

I (and the rest of the medical staff) were surprised when he was found to be an EXACT match for Angelica….BUT…there was not even half as much as she would need, if she needed it. I’m still not sure how that plays into anything and I pray desperately that we never EVER need him to “help” her out, not now or in the future.

I feel like his infancy was a blur. I tried with everything in me – and there wasn’t much – to hold onto him, to enjoy every moment that I could….but it also felt like I was giving him leftovers. It is definitely not what I had planned, hoped or imagined.

And yet, despite all the chaos, he remains a light in my world….in our world. Yes, as the youngest of five, he has this innate ability to find the exact perfect way to DRIVE EACH OF HIS SIBLINGS CRAZY and he uses that gift way too often. At the exact time, his sweet smile and tender heart can break through even the hardest anger that someone might be feeling…and he does that often, too.

It’s not that my others boys don’t have their own special “something” because they so very much do, but often they instigate or create the chaos. But this one….he swims through and above the chaos with the occasional foray into it. He wouldn’t want to be completely left out.

He is well beyond the ages when the older boys started displaying Autism and ADHD symptoms and behaviors. I feel like I’ve been on edge waiting, wondering if and when he was going to flip the switch. But, he retains the ability to focus, to sit, to listen, to reason, to see. He continues to amaze us with “theory of mind” that the other boys still struggle with.

In someways, his “abilities” are starting to exceed or move beyond in certain areas that his older brothers both struggle with. This can be something that is both exhilarating and saddening. It’s a reminder of the areas of deficit that the other boys have. It’s “in your face”, you can’t escape it….not that we can “ignore” the issues the boys have, but when your 4 year old is capable of understanding reason; and in contrast, your 7 year old or 14 year old are screaming the same sentence over and over and over again, in response to something you have asked them to do…..it’s unsettling.

It’s also a shocking reminder that this behaviour that you have been experiencing for the last 14 years is not actually a result of your terrible parenting. The fact that you have expectations of respect from all your children but some of those children are capable of more and some are capable of less…….A lot of that has to do with each individual child and their particular abilities and disabilities.

But this boy…….

He is a light in the darkness.
He is sunshine on a cloudy day.
He is love amidst the anger.
He is so often calm within the chaos.
He is gentle around the rough edges of our life.

He is easy to love.
He is quick to help.
He is quick to comfort.

I am so incredibly thankful that he was given to us.
We needed him….
I needed him……. more than I ever could have imagined.

His name means “praise” or “to praise”…..and its fitting.

This little man is definitely celebrated and praised for his love, his light, for his very being.

And I love his so very, VERY much!

The Countdown is On…

This past Monday we were in at BC Children’s for another monthly chemo appointment. As of today, Angelica has 4 more monthly chemo appointments left until she is finished taking chemo and only 1 of those appointments will have a sedation procedure. This is SO exciting.

There is not that much that is new or interesting about the actual chemo appointment itself! Angelica goes in. They admit her and draw her blood. They give her the chemotherapy and then we see a Dr. and go home. At this point, as long as I don’t think too closely about the poison that they are giving her, it’s all very routine. I know that it’s a necessary evil and I’m so thankful that we are here and can get the medical help, but it’s still tough…..and that’s never changed from the day that she was diagnosed until now….

What’s been different about the last few appointments has been the issues regarding the bones. The news of Avascular Necrosis/Osteonecrosis has been tough. Dealing with how much constant pain Geli was in was so hard. She had a hard time walking, moving, dressing, doing her hair, bathing……Life was pretty tough and every report we were getting was pretty much preparing us that life would pretty much be like this and possible worse…..

Things started to change after our appointment with Dr. Brown the Pediatric Surgeon at BC Children’s. He gave us news that we received as god news….as positive news and in the middle of all the crap…it’s what we needed to hear.

Angelica is doing so much better. It’s not all butterflies and roses, but she is in less pain. She’s tired and her muscles are sore, but she is working SO HARD!

Geli is doing about an hour and half of physio a day…….on her own…..or mostly on her own…

IMG_5517

It’s pretty incredible. She is doing exercises 3 times a day – morning, after school and before bed. It’s making a HUGE difference. Instead of walking around like someone who is 90 years old, she is walking and standing more like a teenager. She is standing straighter and walking straighter. While there is still a bit of a wobble in her step, she looks AMAZING!

It’s exciting to see how far she’s come. Sometimes, it’s hard because she can’t see the change, but to us, looking at her and seeing what she can do now that she couldn’t do a month ago….the changes are astounding. For example, she couldn’t stand up in the kitchen to help with dinner or dishes for 15 minutes without being in pain and so tired. Now, she can do at least an hour. On Monday, she had the sedation procedure with the chemo into her spinal fluid (a Lumbar Puncture) and there has not been one day in the past 2 years that she has done anything other than lay around on an LP day. On Monday, she wanted to walk up to the store a few blocks away from our house to get something that she really wanted for dinner. It blew me away. So SO much different than a month ago……she also has SO MUCH MORE range of motion in her shoulder and elbow and it’s making a difference in the daily living things that she is able to do, like reaching for things up on shelves in the kitchen and doing her own hair.

She still requires help, but all of this change…..it’s only after ONE MONTH of exercise…..The physiotherapist at the hospital said she was doing incredible and our nurse COULD NOT BELIEVE how amazing she looked even all groggy after having the LP. She looked healthy and happy….in fact, more than a few nurses mentioned how great she looked.

It’s so great to see positive change and forward movement in this situation. We have our next appointment with the Orthopedic Surgeon on Tuesday June 14th….I’m looking forward to Geli going in and being in better shape than she was the last time.

One other AMAZING bit of news, is that the Physiotherapist at BC Children’s suggested that Angelica go THERAPEUTIC RIDING…..as in HORSE RIDING. Any of you who know Geli, know that she has been in love with horses for as long as we can remember. I have lost count of the number of horse calenders, horse bedding and other horse paraphernalia that Angelica has collected or wanted to collect over the years. To say that she was a horse fanatic is putting it mildly. Unfortunately, horseback riding has not been something that we’ve been able to do, but it has been something that Geli has wanted to do forever.

To have the Physio suggest that as another form of physio that Geli could go riding…..well, it’s pretty huge. Just talk to Geli about it and see the smile on her face when she talks about it….she has this amazing smile that just lights up her WHOLE ENTIRE FACE. She is SO excited! We’ve contacted the stable that does Therapeutic riding out here in Langley and have sent out referral forms to her Dr.s to get them filled out and as of last night we received them back so now we forward them to the stable and then set up a time and …………she starts riding.

What an amazing opportunity that is so perfectly picked just for her. What a blessing! We can see God’s hand in this.

There are other emotional side effects from this whole journey that we are working through and it can be tough at times, but there are a lot of things that are going so well. We keep praying and believing for miracles for Angelica’s physical body. It is so encouraging to be at a place where she rarely feels pain as opposed to the constant pain that she was in.

Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, for your love, for your support. We couldn’t have done this or carry on without your support. We are so grateful to all of you.

5 Cycles Left

Angelica has 5 cycles of chemo left until she is FINISHED.

September 30th is the day that she stops taking chemo. It seems SO FAR AWAY and yet…..we only have 5 more cycles of monthly chemo to go until that day comes. It’s pretty exciting to think that when the new school year starts, she will have less than a month of chemo left.

Today we headed in for a monthly chemo appointment. We also needed to meet with the Physiotherapist as well as get an X-ray of her left shoulder. Initially, we were going to be getting an ALL DAY infusion on a drug that would help with the pain that she is feeling in her knees, but we changed our minds on that particualr drug after meeting with the Orthopedic Surgeon last Thursday.

Let me back up…..basically, since the Dr’s Diagnosed bone death back in January we haven’t had a really GOOD appointment since then. We’ve had a number of appointments but all of them have been very emotional or full of bad or depressing news. We have tried to stay strong and positive, but with each appointment seeming worse and worse, it’s been so SO tough.

We had a BIG misunderstanding with the Rheumatologist back in the beginning of April and then another BIG meeting with our Oncologist in the middle of April and while it was better….things were still confusing and sounded so……so……..so dark and depressing and negative. It was suggested that we start one drug to help with the pain and we thought about it and planned to go ahead. The Dr sent us a bunch of articles to read. Some of the info was good and some was not so encouraging. Isn’t that how it going with most meds??? Anyhow, We were supposed to start that drug today. It was possible that it might give her bone and joint pain and well as a fever and flu like symptoms like aches, fever, chills and nausea….sounds fun, eh? And, it would have taken all day for it to run…..awesome!!!! Not!

We met with the Orthopedic Surgeon last Thursday and it was a GREAT meeting. He believes that Geli’s case is a mild case of bone death and that she is still in the healing process. He believes that she will get stronger and stronger and that the pain should lessen. He also mentioned that as she gets stronger, that she should also have more mobility as well. These were also very positive things. He mentioned that it is possible that she may not need joint replacements until she was 40 years old. While that is earlier than an average age for joint replacement, it is WAY BETTER than being in so much pain and discomfort that she would need it in the next two years…..He also suggested against the medicine that we were considering because among other things, it can make the bones brittle and more suceptable to fractures. As well, if there are negative side effects, those can possbly stick around for a long time…..a life time even and well….that would not really be cool. Would it?

Of course, this is all a natural, medical opinion and we are still praying for and hoping for miracles. Just going to the specialist felt good. We walked away from the appointment feeling very hopeful. And that is SUCH A GOOD THING!!!!

We go back to see him in the middle of June.

Masked up

Today we had our regular monthly appointment and other than it being two straight hours of running around, it was a FABULOUS day and a GREAT appointment at the clinic. There was no traffic to start and we made it in with enough time that we weren’t rushing in from the parking lot. We went into the clinic, and Geli had to mask up as she’s had a nasty virus that’s been making it’s rounds through the kids. We were sent to the back of the clinic which is the long term appointments, but we stopped to talk with our nurse because we were not staying for the extra long drug. While they tried to sort out the confusion, they sent us down to Radiology to get the x-ray that the orthopedic surgeon had ordered for Geli’s shoulder. Geli changed into one of those cute little gowns that tie up in the back and we were to be up next when our nurse came and told us that physio was waiting for us. So we left Radiology and headed down to the PT department. They also felt that both her elbow that seems to be locked and her shoulder that is difficult to move are both from muscle tightness as opposed to being unable to move because of problems with the bones. This is a very good thing. Geli was given a few exercises to work on and we have an appointment that co-insides with her next chemo appointment.

I am hoping that with one month of focused effort that she will start to see some amazing and encouraging results in her physical body. We will be doing a lot of physio over this month and so if you think of it, you could pray that she will stay encouraged to keep on going and that she will see some results sooner rather than later.

After we met with the Physiotherapist, we headed back to the oncology clinic to get her blood drawn so that we could get her counts, as well as get her Chemo drug for this month. After that, we headed BACK DOWN to Radiology to finally get her shoulder x-ray-ed. The results from that will go to the Orthopedic Surgeon and then we will see him in the middle of June. When we finished with the x-ray, we headed BACK to Oncology to meet with Geli’s Oncologist.

It was a completely uneventful appointment. All of Geli’s stats look good. Her white counts are elevated a bit, but that could easily be explained by the virus that she is fighting off. She checked Geli out, increased one of her oral chemo drugs by just a tiny bit and sent us on our way.

All of that happened within 2 hours…….it was a FABULOUS day!

We have just recently made a few changes within our family and house and I’m hoping that those changes will have a more positive effect on all of us. I’ll hopefully be back tomorrow with an update about what’s going on with us……

The Ups and Down of Life

I feel so……so……so caught up inside myself.

There is so much going on and I don’t know where or how to unpack it all. I had a phone chat with our social worker from BC Children’s yesterday and kind of fell apart on her.

I’m tired. I want some help for the kids (and myself if I’m being honest) and “the help” (therapy type help) available, is at BC Children’s….an hour away from here. (We have no extended medical to help cover the expenses for other help and so we’d be paying out of pocket for other help, which we may just have to do…..)

There is a sibling support group that is just about to start, but…..it’s on Thursday afternoon’s for an hour and a half FOR THE NEXT 8 WEEKS.

That’s not really very helpful. If we missed traffic (which would be a miracle – we’d be in traffic for at least one way), we would be driving for 2 hours to go to a meeting for 1.5 hours. And I’m not sure what Geli, I, Siah and Judah would do while the older 3 were in the session. Then we’d be leaving at dinner time (and sitting in that lovely traffic I mentioned) all the while hoping that the baby wouldn’t fall asleep in the van so that he wouldn’t be up until midnight. There would be dinner to figure out and homework to work around and well….it’s just more of a problem than a help…..

I am already running below empty and I can’t fathom adding 8 weeks of that stress into our lives….so where does that leave us………?

Not in a great place, that’s for sure.

I know that we need to get beyond “this time” and that things will look different in a year from now and hopefully things will be easier but I am so tired and worn out, I’m not sure what shape I’ll be in, in a year from now. We’ve been looking forward to “this season changing” for what feels like a very long time and it’s all seeming so very surreal and even unattainable at very low times. We have to believe that things are not always going to be this tough. We are not looking forward to the future as a “magical time of amazing-ness” but we are trying to hold onto HOPE with what little strength we have left, but sometimes, even that feels so very difficult to do.

Our social worker asked me what things I could take off my plate so that I wasn’t so overwhelmed and to be honest…..I have no idea. I’m already doing the least amount of housekeeping that I can and still have us be functional. And that right there…..is so tough to deal with. I like a clean, neat and tidy house. I feel like I’m drowning….not even like I’m treading water anymore, but that I’m sinking deeper and deeper under. I have no time or energy to keep on top of all that it takes to keep our family running smoothly and my “coping mechanism” is to “fill another box” with the crap that gets piled up on my counters and then take it down to my bedroom.

It’s definitely not a cool way to deal with things. I think I have 6 boxes downstairs with “crap” that needs to be sorted through. It’s all I can do to stay on top of my laundry and well….besides the fact that I have the worlds smallest laundry room and 7 people’s clothes and towels and linen won’t fit in it…..we just need the clothes to wear. The boys only have about 3 pairs of pants each and depending on how messy they are we could plow through 2 or even all 3 of them in a day. NOT COOL, boys! NOT cool!

Obviously we have to eat and trying to feed a family of 7 economically, while eating a gluten and dairy free diet….well, it’s extremely challenging and sometimes I just wish that we didn’t have to eat.

A significant portion of my time is spent homeschooling Jeremy and breaking up fights and squabbles between the two little boys. A few people have asked me if that’s something that I should off load and just send him back to school. Maybe even a different or new one……to me, this is not even an option. For the first time in his life, Jeremy is EXCELLING in school. He hasn’t gotten a mark that’s been less than an “A” for 2 months now. He feels smarter. He’s ACTUALLY retaining the information that he’s processing. If he doesn’t LOVE school, he at the very least enjoys it, now. As much prep work as it is for me…..and let me tell you, teaching ONE CHILD has a significant amount of prep work and time spent overseeing what he is doing…(I can’t fathom teaching 30+ kids with more than one of them with Learning Differences or other social issues)…..this is something that I believe is CRITICAL right now. I firmly believe with all my heart that Jeremy is learning valuable LIFE SKILLS that will impact him for the rest of his life. To cut this time short, would be devastating, in my opinion. Even moving him to a new school…..he doesn’t “YET” have the skills needed to make a change, and I believe that he would end up in the same position that he was in….behind, feeling stupid and bullied……

So basically, I get up in the morning…….. I sort of teach school. I try to care for my little boys. I attempt to feed and clothe the family. I clean, and it is an extremely loose interpretation of the word, the house and then it’s bedtime…..

For “ME” time….I “try” to work out 3 times a week and while that’s a good thing…I feel like it’s an hour and a half of hellish torture that I enjoy once it’s finished.

Regardless……something has to change, I’m at a breaking point….I’ve been thinking about getting someone in to help out for a few hours a week….maybe twice a week….to help with the little boys and maybe some housework….I dunno….I’m not sure where to find someone, or how exactly to go about it all, but I have been thinking about it….so….that’s a start, right?

Jon and I are missing each other….it’s been so long since we’ve had any time to just “be” together and that’s tough. Even our evenings are crazy. The boys have been particularly needy over the past couple of weeks and haven’t been settling until after 9pm even though we’re starting the bedtime routine at 7:30pm….I dunno if they’ve been feeding off the extra stress……or what the issue is? Whatever it is….it’s not cool!

We did, however, get the chance to get away as a family. Last weekend, we were able to go to a cabin down at Birch Bay for two nights and it was a wonderful time away. It wasn’t so much of a rest….as it was a change. A chance to get away from the house and feeling a need to clean and tidy. The kids played. Nothing “could” or “had” to be done….probably the biggest downfall was that we wanted to pick up a few clothes while we were down there, but again…..shopping (or pretty much doing anything) with 5 kids is…..um…..interesting…..and we didn’t get done what we had hoped and that left some of the family feeling like they were disappointed. We should have just gone down and not hoped to pick up a few things….that would have at least not set us up to fail…..

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that’s Jeremy in the bottom left of the picture

I have a TON of pics from our time away and I’ll share some of them in the next post. It really was a beautiful place and right on the beach…….like RIGHT ON the beach. The smell of the air, the sound of the waves, the seagulls crying…….it was amazing. Truly, truly amazing. I love the beach. It really is a “Happy” place for me. We are SO THANKFUL to the family that made it possible for us to get away. It was INCREDIBLE! SO, SO INCREDIBLE!