I drove away from the hospital yesterday afternoon bawling.
I had my newborn along with me in the back of the van, a freak load of stuff that we’d collected over the week and half that we’d already been in the hospital, my labor and delivery bag and Judah’s new born bag…..oh, and WAY TOO MUCH GARBAGE on the floor of the van…..not cool!
The baby was crying and I was crying, the weather was grey and icky and it almost matched my mood. Had it been raining hard – the scene woulda been straight out of a movie.
We’ve been through some tough stuff in our lives, and I’m not sure if it’s the combination of everything or just the immediacy of it all, but honestly, this feels like the worst thing that we’ve gone through….even tougher than losing Nathaniel or having Chris almost die……
I’ve never questioned the “Why’s” before, but I’ll admit that it’s been harder and harder to push those thoughts from my head.
I’m doing better today than I was yesterday, but this is not easy.
I think I knew in my heart that the likely hood of us all going home together was steadily declining, but I hoped….OH HOW I HOPED. I was so grateful to the hospital for allowing me to stay over Saturday night, as I really needed that extra day to prepare myself to leave the hospital by myself…..I wasn’t really acknowledging that was our reality, but I think that somewhere deep down in side me – I knew…..
And…..it sucked every bit as bad as I knew it would…..
You don’t have a baby and expect to spend the first 3 days mostly by yourself…….knowing that every time you selfishly want your husband with you that it means that your other baby is then alone. Or the rest of the time sitting in a room in the Oncology ward watching your firstborn puking after being filled with life saving poison…….. This whole motherhood thing…while some parts of it come easy to me – other parts are so SO difficult. I want to be with Geli. I want to comfort her. I want to help her. I am her mother. I am in tune with her. I know when she’s hurting and trying to suck it up and right now……I’m an hour away from her and can’t do ANYTHING. But, being with her means that I’m leaving my other babies who are not doing so well with all of this either, and so I have to make the worse choices….I have to choose…..Sometimes, having to make choices……SUCKS!
We are all on edge and hurting and confused and nothing about this is easy.
Xani lost it hard last night. Which was AWESOME and horrid. And to be honest….I envy her the meltdown. I want to scream and wail and fall apart and yet I’m scared that if I do – I won’t be able to pull myself back together to be there for the kids and Jon and Geli and we still have a ways to go until we are re-united as a family and until then…..I’m holding down the fort over here and….well….I’m not even sure where to go with this……
I keep thinking that Jon is going to be missing our son’s first month of life. I wonder if I’m strong enough to handle all of this on my own. I lean so heavily on Jon for so many things. I miss him so bad. I hate not being there for Geli. I hate feeling so all over the place like this. I feel SO EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE.
I cried and whimpered my way home from the hospital, but as I rounded the corner to our street, a HUGE WAILING SOB tore itself from the core of me….the sheer intensity of it scared me and I was too close to home to allow it all to escape and so I stuffed it back down….unhealthy I know, but it is coming out…..I’d probably do better to just go for it, but for now….I’m leaking it out.
For those who prayed for me yesterday, I was able to hold it together while at the hospital in front of Geli, but she’s not a stupid kid….we were all a bit bummed yesterday.
And today, I acknowledge what I felt yesterday. I know I still need to process through some of the tough, core emotions, but I’m trying to stay present…..even minute by minute if necessary. We had to do this with Xandra this morning…..don’t look at the whole day, just the next task on the list….just make your lunch and then we’ll see how you’re feeling…..then eat breakfast and we’ll re-evaluate the whole idea of going to school this morning after that……and taking things minute by minute (and after a good conversation with Daddy) she headed off to school this morning…..and that is a little how my day is going too.
Right now I’m using this as a bit of therapy….being able to take all those thoughts in my head and acknowledge them, write them out and then try to let them go.
Then I need to make a list of things I need around the house and then figure out what to send to Geli.
Then I’m going to look at my e-mail inbox….that thought alone is scary…..let alone actually tackling the actual task. (Your support has been amazing by the way, and I am am so SO thankful).
After that….well, Jeremy has a play at school that I need to go to, and then we’ll just see…..One minute at a time, if necessary.
(I have a bit of a disclaimer for any who might have started reading recently. I’m honest – for the most part – on this website. By the phrase – …..honest, for the most part – I mean that I don’t share everything that goes on in our lives. I’m open about a lot of things, but by no means are any of the posts on this website a clear indication of EVERYTHING that is going on in our lives or inside my head space. It’s a “piece” of the whole….a glimpse of who I am and what I’m going through and by extension, who our family is and what they are going through. I’m sharing bits of myself with you and I’m not unwise. This is a tough time in my life and I’m expressing some of what I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I’m very aware of my mental health and although I seem to be a bit emotionally unstable at this exact moment, I will continue to monitor where I’m at and to listen to my close family and health care professionals regarding my mental health. I’m not asking for advice or input in this area. I’m merely allowing a piece of the trauma and pain of this time in our lives to be open and “out there”. I will be okay. I am okay. Please don’t feel that it’s your job to carry me. I am carried through this and we will make it through this. I know this.
I know that I know that I know that I know….that we will make it through this….sometimes, in life, our feelings don’t always line up with the knowledge that lives in the very core of our being and sometimes you just need to acknowledge the pain and hurt so that you can then, let it go.
This space is an amazing place for me. I can process. i can vent. I can share information. I can be silly. I can be happy or sad…..this website is just a glimpse or a small extension of myself……I’m happy to let you be a part of this, but if you are wondering how to “help me”……I’ll just let you know that your love, support, care, encouraging words…mean so much. You don’t have to fix me…..or make me aware of where I’m at…..I promise. I have ones to do that for/with me. The biggest thing you can do is to love and encourage….and you have done so MARVELOUSLY! For that, I thank you! I don’t know if you’ll ever know the full extent that your love and care, support and encouragement have helped. I read and re-read your comments. They come in at the perfect time and sometimes inspire tears or laughter……but always comfort and love.
Thank you so much for walking along side of me (and us) as we travel this road and although it seems to feel at times like we are walking on loose gravel, I know that the shoes I’m wearing are more than adequate to be able to handle the terrain on this road and that irregardless, I have many hands to grasp onto should I feel tired or like I’m stumbling.
Once again, I say……
You are amazing!)