It wasn’t a HUGE travel day but we are tired and definitely feeling our almost 3 weeks on the road. We left Moab at 10:30am and the plan was to head towards Garland, Utah.
Look at all the smiles.
We drove North West up through Provo and Salt Lake City.
The red in the rocks are from rust and the green is created when the iron in the rock reacted differently and at a lower concentration than the iron that caused the orange. It’s all just so pretty; and so different than what we typically see in BC.
We travelled out of the desert and into snow dusted mountains. There were lots of dead zones with no coverage as we drove through Utah.
I find it absolutely fascinating how the landscape can so dramatically change as you drive within only a few hours.
We decided to not go to Garland but to head to Snowville which is only about 10 mins from the Idaho border. It’s an interesting aspect of our journey. Trying to find a location to travel to that’s not too far away but has a decent looking RV park. It’s lots to juggle especially because once you book a spot you are kind of committed and hoping that everything goes smoothly between where you are and where you’re headed. Along the way there’s gas to get, bathroom visits to be made, food to eat and sometimes a break because you’re tired and feeling way too close to a meltdown.
We made it to The Hitching Post in Snowville, Utah sometime after 6pm. I’ve got to give a huge shout out to Jonathan for his graciousness with my navigating skills. I can organize and plan like a Fortune 500’s top Administrator but Google maps confounds me. We have needed to reroute more times than I can count because I struggle to read the map and follow Google’s directions. Trying to find The Hitching Post in Snowville was no exception. But in my defence, we have gotten to travel some of the cutest and bumpy back roads as we circle around and we would never have had that opportunity without my exceptional navigation skills.
So I’d like to think it’s a win for all and really what’s a few extra moments when you get to see the sights that hide off the main roads.
We pulled into the bustling RV park. If you look really hard, you can find our rig in the photo.
There was the cutest diner back on the Main Street and it has real food. So we went there for dinner.
If you get a chance, you should ask my boys about these cute little houses that the owner’s son makes. They were surprising and so adorable.
We enjoyed our food and then headed back to the quiet campsite. We are not too far away from home now. It’s only going to be a few more days and I’m feeling all the feels. I have loved this trip and I’m ready and not ready to go home. We have learned a lot and if we have another opportunity to do a road trip, I would jump at the chance. It’s definitely a core memory!
We left Sand Dune arch and walked towards Broken Arch.
It was quite a bit further than any of the walks we’d done up till now and if Siah wasn’t hobbling, it wouldn’t have been an issue at all.
It wasn’t a difficult walk. Mostly sandy pathways. Sometimes there was hard rock or loose shale.
There were times when you had to climb up the jagged rocks or down over smoothed out formations but nothing terribly difficult.
I was wearing my Birkenstock sandals and had no issues navigating anywhere I wanted to go.
There were all these little holes in the ground. I’m guessing some kind of prairie dog or gopher.
The guys were pretty pumped that there was a campground in the park and if it weren’t close to 6pm at this point, we may have gone and investigated.
It took about 10-15 minutes of meandering to get to Broken Arch. Jon took this panoramic shot from a bluff just above the small canyon that sits below the Arch. Fantastic, isn’t it?
The boys were in heaven. Climbing and taking photos. Chattering at each other and finding new, interesting things to show each other and us.
It was a bit of a climb up to Broken Arch and I didn’t feel like making it so I hung out in the little canyon while Jon and the boys explored.
The way the water and wind has worn down parts of the earth is fascinating and gorgeous.
You could spend days here and keep finding new things to be in awe of. I’m SO glad it worked out that we were able to visit.
Through the arch there is a loop that leads to another arch but it was getting later, boys were tired, Siah’s leg hurt, there was an impending bathroom break and we decided to head back the way we came.
The sensory aspect of the sand was just too fabulous and so our walk back took longer than expected.
The colors and shapes of the plants always captures my attention This trip has been absolutely filled with beautiful plants and wildflowers.
We got back to our vehicle and drove through the rest of the park.
I have so many more photos that I haven’t shared but will definitely be in a photo book that we will treasure forever. One of my favourite moments was when Jude said, “This is going to be a cherished memory when we get back to Canada. It’s definitely a core memory.”
I love it when he shares his thoughts and feelings with us. We slowly drove out of the park and back into the city of Moab. We stopped at a grocery store to grab a few things and then we headed back to our campsite.
I put the groceries away and made some dinner while the boys went swimming and Jon did a load of laundry. It was a nice relaxing end to an incredible day.
Even when just driving from station to station within the Park the views are incredible.
We pulled into the parking lot and we’re greeted by this stunning view.
To gain some perspective, Jon got this picture of Siah standing at the base of this giant.
Inside of this landform is Sand Dune Arch. It was my favourite experience of the park. We walked towards this landform on a gravel path.
You see a narrow space in between the columns and with no idea what you’re walking into, you head inside.
The pathway in, is squishy and awkward. The ground is slightly sloped and there’s sand on top of hardened rock and you really should use both hands to steady yourself as you slip through the opening into the magical world inside.
The temperature drops a few degrees and the wind is cool and blows steady against you. The pathway opens up into this quiet space that feels sacred. It’s awe inspiring.
The sand is cool and powdery soft. It’s a sensory delight. You kind of want to lay down and just soak it all in. I know that sounds weird but it was amazing.
The first space widens into an open sky chamber and you can hear your voice echo slightly as you call out to each other. I had the most incredible urge to sing. To join my voice with sounds and beings that have gone before and are here now, in gratitude for this incredible wonder.
As the walls narrow to lead you into the next chamber , the strength of the wind blowing through and against you, increases. It reminded me of the times when life seems narrow and restricted and the things coming at you seem to intensify. If you can press on and press through, you just don’t know what will open up for you; or what wonders you are about to step in to.
The space opened up and revealed wonders that aren’t visible from the outside. It’s only when you press in, that you get to see the beauty that’s here and available, if you’re willing.
There were other visitors in the area with us and although everyone was quiet and respectful; I wished I could have had a moment alone in this place. To just sit down and be quiet and BE in this place.
As you carry on passed the arch, the crevasse gets smaller and smaller.
Siah squished in as far as he could go. Silly boy. It’s amazing to see how happy the boys were; no screens, no devices, just nature.
We stayed for a while longer but then headed out to go and see Broken Arch.
I’m gonna break this up into one more post. We got a lot of pictures from our hike towards Broken Arch; and it’s easier than creating a super long extended post.
We woke up in heaven and drove out of it and now I want to go back.
Sunglasses would have been helpful
Apparently Brady, Texas is pretty close to the center of Texas. We woke up and it was warm and sunny. The wind was blowing and we sat outside and had coffee listening to the quail coo. I just feel happy when I’m warm and it’s sunny. Siah climbed this HUGE tree while we had breakfast.
I ADORE the trees down south. They are so gorgeous and sprawling.
Jon walked around the property and found a field of cacti just about ready to bloom.
I wish we could have seen an entire field of flowering cacti. It must be stunning.
We left Brady around 11am. I really was in no hurry to leave; although Siah and Jude are not the hugest fans of the heat and they are starting to talk about getting home soon.
Got the arm wrapped up and in the photo
It’s been a good trip. For 4 people living on top of each other – 2 introverts. 2 extroverts, meeting people, eating food that’s not typical, living in a different place most nights, with iffy wifi connections, iffy toilets, random showers, way too much fast food, no personal space and WAY TOO MANY HOURS in a vehicle – we have done spectacularly. I’m kind of proud of how well we’ve done. You can tell how tired the boys are by how much bickering they do ;but they’d bicker at home, too. Honestly the only difference is they don’t have the luxury of going to their own bedrooms.
We drove and drove and drove and drove. Texas is really pretty. I kind of love it. The wild flowers, the open spaces, the wildlife, the warmth, the wind……I don’t think I’d want to live in the city but put me outside the city…….oh man.
We weren’t exactly sure if we were going to make it into New Mexico but considering that we crossed a time zone, we decided doe go for it. We crossed over from Texas into New Mexico at 6:55pm and then gained an hour.
We pulled into the Clovis RV Park around 6:15pm and got set up for the night. It was SO cold and windy. The park was quiet but had horrific wifi according to the boys. It would have been better if it had none, because it was like teasing them with wifi bars and then they kept dropping the signal.
I have done pretty well at planning out our routes the day before or at the very least in the evening but I was really struggling to get the next day planned. I think I’m just sad about leaving Texas and both options – Denver and New Mexico – are cold and windy with overnight temps dropping below zero. Not cool. Seriously not cool! Maybe a good night sleep will help me gain some clarity. I certainly hope so.
We woke up this morning expecting a thunderstorm to blow through during the day and sure enough, the sky was grey and cloudy.
We moved a lot slower in the morning than I had expected. Siah really enjoyed the spicy Jimmy Dean sausage that we had at Xani’s and we had bought some more. Jon made eggs and sausage for us, for breakfast.
Siah was pretty happy and really, it was pretty delicious.
We tidied up and headed into New Orleans and down to the French Quarter. It’s just about an hour away from Bay St. Louis.
We drove across Lake Ponchartrain and planned to come back over the Ponchartrain Causeway. It was pretty grey and definitely felt like it was gonna rain although it was holding off.
The Ponchartrain
Driving into New Orleans was fun as Jon shared memories of where they lived when Pastor Charles Green brought them back from Indonesia and pointed out where the church was.
Driving down into the French Quarter was amazing. The trees hanging way out over the roads and the colourful houses with their offsetting colourful window shutters. The wrought iron balconies are gorgeous too. There is stunning graffiti art all over and it’s just a riot of color and creativity.
We found a parking spot right on Decatur Street about a block away from the Cafe Du Monde.
The boys were a little overwhelmed with the smells and sounds and the sheer number of people around; but it sounded and felt like excitement and anticipation and creativity to me. Smelled like weed and BO!
We found the line up for the sit down part of the Cafe and it wasn’t very long at all. So we queued up.
Jude is happier then he looks, I promise. It’s hard to catch a smiling picture of him. He pointed out this artist sitting on the bench beside us. Look at the saturation of color on his pages. It’s incredible.
While we waited a few light drops of rain started to fall and Jon ran back to the truck to grab an umbrella. He came back just before they seated us.
There was an incredible busker serenading the line up with his Karoke machine. He was joined by a gentleman dancing along. The dancer definitely looked down on his luck but he had the kindest smile and eyes!
We were seated in the cafe and our waiter came over to get our order.
We ordered 3 orders of Beignets, 2 Cafe au Lait and 2 Sprites. As soon as we ordered, the heavens opened up and the floods came.
The Thunderstorm that we had been expecting arrived with a bang. A lot of bangs. There was thunder and lightening and SO MUCH RAIN. It was awesome!
You can see the sheets of rain in the above video. And even though it’s pouring and storming, it’s warm. When the rain started all the people that had been in the streets and parks moved into the covered sidewalks and it got even more crowded, loud and pungent. The beignets and cafe au lait was delicious and the boys would have ordered another 3 orders if we said yes.
We stopped in a few of the stores along the way back to the truck. We had planned to walk through the Market but when we got back to our truck, the boys were done and just wanted to head back to the trailer.
Our boys do so well travelling but we must adjust our wants to accommodate their needs and that often means cutting our plans short. So we hold plans loosely so as not to be disappointed and even then, it can be frustrating and disappointing to want to see or do something and not get to but going to an emotional breaking point is not worth any “attempt” to “make a memory”.
We headed back to Bay St Louis and seeing as both boys were on the edge of meltdowns we didn’t go over the Ponchartrain Causeway as it added an extra hour to the trip. We also did not communicate that well enough and the lack of communication did trigger a meltdown. That’s hard. It’s really hard. It was just the last straw that an “already at his breaking point” kid reached!
Part of the stress was mounting internal pressure of undone schoolwork, so we found a McDonalds with wifi and the boys did some school while I shopped at Walmart for a few groceries for the trailer.
The battery in Siah’s computer died and the Walmart McDonald’s didn’t have plugs available for customers. He wasn’t quite finished so I finished shopping quickly and we headed to a different McDonald’s that did have outlets.
We headed back to the trailer and the storm had settled some.
Siah wanted to go back in the water. Jude wanted to try fishing again and I wanted to tidy the trailer and take a shower if possible.
So Siah went in the water. It was quite a bit colder than the previous day, thanks to the storm so that didn’t last long and he was actually the first to try out the shower!
Jon took Jude to a pier down the road to try and catch a fish one last time. They had no luck but it’s still fun though.
They came back to the trailer and Jon and I both made it through the shower although it’s more of a bird bath situation and less of a luxurious relaxing experience but clean hair and parts are worth it.
After showers, we made hot chocolate for the boys and I had a tea.
There are times when things feel more peaceful and normal and other times when it just feels more chaotic than anything. I really love peace and calm.
The boys chattered and played together before bed and Jon chilled and it was such a nice evening. We are up bright and early tomorrow headed to Texas to see family and friends. It gonna be another great day of travel and I’m so thankful that we had this special time to see where Jon grew up and to see first hand things, places and people that he’s talked about for years.
I can’t keep track of the number of times that my life has shifted in ways that I didn’t expect. Times when I thought or expected things to just carry on or develop in typical ways and then, “BAM! PLOT TWIST!“
I guess in someways it keeps life exciting and yet, I feel like I’ve had more than enough “excitement” in my life and could actually use a little boring and mundane stability.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about contentment, recently. I’ve had very well meaning people tell me that I’m so strong and capable; that I seem to be able to “handle so much” They might mention that they don’t know how I do it; and although I believe they are good hearted people, it doesn’t exactly feel like a compliment.
Gah! I just don’t want to have to be strong enough or to have to go through difficult times. I don’t want the knowledge that I can handle weighty things. Sometimes, I just want to yell, “Enough already! I just want to breathe, rest and grow without the effort and pain of conflict and uncertainty.”
And yet, this is life.
There is pain. There is uncertainty. There is chaos. There is struggle. BUT…
There is also good and joy and love and peace and blessing and happiness and enough. Even in the midst of the pain and the chaos, of the hurt and discomfort; of the uncertainty and conflict – there is good.
How do we find that goodness when we feel overwhelmed by the hurt and pain? How do we be content?
I recently read this description of contentment and I love it!
Contentment is being happy with what you have. Contentment is being happy with who you are. Contentment is being happy with where you are.
Contentment is respecting the reality of the the present.
I love this statement. Read it again.
Contentment is respecting the reality of the present.
It’s not about settling. It’s not about giving up. It’s not about denying reality. It’s not glossing over or ignoring the difficult things. It’s not about toxic positivity.
It is about RESPECTING THE REALITY OF THE PRESENT in all its messy goodness, and horror. It’s holding or having space for the duality of life. Recognizing that there is good and bad. Life is full of contradictions and we have the honour and responsibility of choosing our responses in any situation.
I believe that, too often, we allow our reactions to dictate our responses, especially in difficult situations. I love this quote from Victor Frankl,
” Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”
I believe that part of contentment is holding “this space.”
Being content requires self awareness. In order to be happy with what you have, who you are and where you’re at – you need to KNOW what you have, who you are and where you’re at.
Knowing WHO YOU ARE, allows you to build your life on a solid foundation. It enables you to see what you have, what you want, where you are and where you want to go. It’s easier to create the life that you want for yourself when you truly know yourself. Then, when your story has a sudden Plot Twist, you can stand in “that space” and choose your response in a way that aligns with values.
You can hold the reality of both the pain and the good; and make choices that align with who you truly are. You have the power to choose your actions and reactions.
There is something extremely empowering in recognizing that we have a choice. We get to chose our responses to the things that happen in our lives. We may not always have control over what happens because there may be outside influences that are out of our control, but we get to choose our response.
In that choice, in that space, in that moment – there is power, growth and freedom and there can be contentment, even in the difficult times.
I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt upset. I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry.
But I didn’t know why I was feeling this way; so I acknowledged my feelings and then tucked them away inside of myself because I had so much that I needed to do.
Even if the mind doesn’t immediately remember, the body doesn’t forget. All those feelings I mentioned above are feelings I felt on that day. Feelings that ask me to bear witness to an event that forever changed my life.
It seems strange to grieve the loss of dreams and hopes and ideals but that’s what I had. We didn’t know what he liked and disliked or whether he was quiet or loud…..athletic or nerdy?
Regardless, my body knows the heaviness of loss. The emptiness. The pain. The loneliness. The conflict.
The grief is not intense anymore. It doesn’t steal my breath or crash over me in waves so strong that I fear I may be swept away.
The grief is a quiet sadness. A subtle and fleeting moment of desolation. It’s presence is there asking me to honor my child and his oh-so-short life by acknowledging all the feelings that carried me from there to here; and the process that shattered and rebuilt a new version of me.
Weight has felt like an issue to me for most of my adult life.
I don’t know if it started with a modelling agent slapping a chocolate bar out of my hand when I was 13/14 and telling me I wasn’t allowed to eat it.
Me – Summer 2021
I don’t know if it was hearing about how hard my mother and grandmother and great grandmother were always fighting to lose weight.
I don’t know if it was the fact that I towered over most of my friends, both male and female, in height and stature.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that at 16 (and so thin) that I outweighed my peers by at least 20 lbs.
I don’t know.
What I do know is that food and I have had a crappy relationship. I have eaten to feel better. I have eaten to avoid and escape. I have eaten to reward. I haven’t necessarily eaten to nourish myself; to show love and respect to myself.
In August of this year, I asked my Doctor for a referral to an Obesity Clinic.
He was reluctant to refer because they have “strict criteria”. When I explained that I definitely fit their expected criteria, he took me for a height and weight check because he didn’t believe me. I don’t have high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, heart problems or any of the other comorbidities of obesity. But, at 243lbs and 5’7” – my BMI was 38 and I was definitely considered obese.
If proving my need for a referral wasn’t difficult enough; there were communication issues between my Drs. Office and the Obesity Clinic and it took a month and me personally chasing down the referral for the process to actually get started.
If I’m being honest, I really don’t even know what I’m getting into other than I’m overweight and overwhelmed and I want and need something to change.
I’ve “been apart of the program” since September. It’s a process. It’s a slow process.
I had it in my mind that “something” would change. Something would be different. Something would be life changing.
And you know what, I think it is. But it’s also a process. I’ve spent probably 30+ years making decisions that have gotten me here and a few weeks won’t undo or reverse those decisions.
I have my third “group session” on Tuesday and I’m dreading it and looking forward to it. Both sessions 1 and 2 have had meaningful – to me – aspects and I’m sure this session will be the same.
Shame tells me that someone’s gonna call me out or tell me I’m doing something wrong or that I’m bad. (We’re starting the nutrition section of the core sessions; and food and I have such a complicated and complex relationship.)
Experience tells me that these people are lovely and supportive and want to help.
Fear whispers that I’m not going to be able to do this.
Courage calmly states that I can.
And so, I make little changes. I take small steps. I summon courage and make the best decisions that I can for today, for this meal, for this moment. I trust that I can learn new skills. I believe that I can make significant and impacting life changes that will benefit me now and in the future. I recognize that this is a long game.
If weight management was as simple as, just do it. Just try harder! Then I wouldn’t be here. But for me, this is more complicated than that. And while I wish I wasn’t in this position. I’m so thankful that I’m healthy and that I’m receiving help and support so I can be even healthier for longer.
You’re gonna be okay. These overwhelming feeling of insecurity and intrusive thoughts are part of a life long anxiety disorder, probably a chemical imbalance and you will eventually figure that out. You’re not broken or awful.
It’s okay that you’ve not had a boyfriend, yet. You’re going to find an incredible boy who will grow up to be an even more incredible man. You are gorgeous, smart and powerful. It’s okay to be a strong woman. Your strength will serve you well in the future. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not and who you are, is incredible. You’ve got this!
Dear 26 year old me,
3 kids, eh? You’re a rockstar!
That littlest one you’re holding?!? He is going to teach you more than you ever imagined was possible. You are going to learn patience and compassion, communication, persistence, gentleness, love, and so much more.
You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you and lots that I wish I could protect you from. You’re in for a world of heartbreak, trauma and devastation; but the flip side of all of that hurt is the most glorious awareness of grace and mercy. You are going to learn to love, have compassion and care for others in a way that will rock your world, in the best way possible.
That strength I mentioned earlier, it will do you well as we navigate these dark days ahead. You will survive. I promise. Even though it may feel like you could die from the pain and heartbreak, I can promise you that you won’t. You’ve got this!
Dear 36 year old me,
Can you believe that we have 5 incredible kids? Those 2 miracle boys born after all those losses…..AMAZING, eh? It’s a lot of work, but this second round of parenting is so much easier than the first round, isn’t it?
You thought the losses were tough but you’ve got another decade of unfathomable heart break. Between 3 years of Pediatric Cancer treatment, the physical, mental and emotional fallout from the treatment, mental health issues, trauma, school issues, and so much more – this is the decade that is going to really test you. Even though you will feel that you are walking a fine line between surviving and breaking, you will survive.
This is the decade that you learn just exactly how strong you are. Even if you wish you weren’t as strong because you’re exhausted and sometimes you wish it would all just go away or stop – you’ve got this. One day, one hour, one moment, one breath at a time. Breathe girl, breathe! This season won’t last forever.
Dear 46 year old me,
I truly wonder what this next decade will bring. I’d like to believe that the pain of the previous 2 decades will lighten up some. It’s been intense enough to last a lifetime. But the gifts that have come along side the pain have been glorious. In spite of all that we’ve been through, we’ve had the most incredible life and it’s not over yet!
You are wise! You are strong! You are brave! You are beautiful! Trust yourself! Trust your instincts! Believe in yourself! Believe that you have a voice! Believe that your dreams are valid and important! Believe that you can affect positive change in the world! Believe that you are a strong and powerful women. Know that your strength is one of your super-powers. Keep going to counselling! Keep reaching for inner healing! Have patience with yourself! You are a work in progress. You’ve got this!
I hired cleaners, at the beginning of the year, to come every other week and do the “cleaning”. (I’d like to pause and say that this has been the absolute best gift that I’ve given myself this year. I like a clean house and the rest of my family is ambivalent enough to not help out as much as I would like. So rather than overextending myself to do it or bagging at everyone, we make sacrifices so this can happen.) This means that every other weekend, we spend a day tidying our house for the cleaners to clean.
I don’t “clean” the house; I just clear it of all the daily living crap so they can apply soap and water to all the surfaces.
I need to be tidying right now; but I’m not highly motivated to do so. So I’m sitting in my bed, polishing off a piece of birthday cake, playing phone games, surfing social media and apparently writing this blog post.
I’m not worried because I know that as the day winds down I will have a shorter window of time to accomplish what I need to and I will kick it into high gear and “git-r-done!”
And then I wondered if any of you do this too. I like to think of it as using “procrastination” to my benefit – like it’s a power boost in a video game.
I’m probably just counting on the rush of adrenaline to help me do what I don’t want to do; and I bet there is a much “healthier way (emotionally and mentally) to motivate myself but it is what it is!
So, do you do this, too? Or is this just me and my unique brand of weirdness?
