Category: Deep Thoughts

Voter Turnout

(post by Jon – don’t blame Patti, and I’m not saying who I voted for or why)

We just had a provincial election in British Columbia.  BC politics is always weird, but this one was off the charts.  ALL major polling authorities had the Liberals (the most right wing party we have at the moment) getting annihilated by the New Democratic Party (the most credible left wing party). Pollsters gave a wide lead to the NDP, but on election day after the votes were cast the Liberals not only won, but gained more seats in an unprecedented reversal of pollsters predictions and now control almost 60% of the provincial legislature.

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This guy must have kicked a bunch of dogs, ’cause he lost.

The other issue that has been talked about at length here is the voter turn out. On election night it was said that only 48% of eligible voters actually made it to the polls.  Later that number was revised to 52%, but still that’s not a lot of democratic involvement.

People blamed the media for overstating the NDP lead, which left people feeling that they didn’t need to vote. People blamed the pollsters and questioned their legitimacy. People flooded call-in radio shows with a wide variety of thoughts on why the vote went the way it did and why the voters are not turning out.  Veterans called in, enraged, to talk about what they fought for. People offered opinions on voting reform, making it easier to have people vote, and even making voting mandatory.

I don’t think we should make it easier to vote at all!

I heard someone speaking recently that stated that democracy was designed for an educated and enlightened people. And for the most part the educated and enlightened people make a point of voting; for this I feel confidence in our system. But what concerns me is that our society and education system is not turning out fully educated and enlightened pupils.  I’m not saying that teachers are doing a bad job. But teachers do face a challenge when it comes to teaching about the economy.

Think about what you know about the economy and how it works.  Now think about where and when you learned that information.  The economy is the pool water that we all share.  When the pool level is up we have enough room for everyone, even if we are not sharing fairly.  Some might have more water, and some might have less water, but all have water to swim in.  Some might take way too much water and intervention might be needed to make them be reasonable, but not at the expense of the total volume of water in the pool.  When the economy tanks, the pool gets drained and we all have less water to share. Picture being in a crowded community pool where it really is too crowded but everyone is swimming.  Then picture about 20 people trying to share a blow-up kiddy pool; doesn’t mater how hard you try, no one is swimming. That’s the economy.  There’s a lot of things that a government can and can’t actually do, but all that I really want is a fair playing field, then I can take care of myself and those around me.

Now think about teachers.  AS A GENERAL RULE (and I know someone is going to point out some great exceptions), teachers start out as students who are not taught about the economy, then they go to school and get their teaching credentials in an environment where socialism rules and the economy is ignored, then they go to work in a fairly safe microcosm of society where jobs are secure, pensions are livable, and the greatest interaction with the economy is buying a house or paying student loans, where interest rates go up and down for some reason. They don’t get involved in investing capital, suffering economic failures, reinvesting windfalls, hiring, firing, or anything else involved in building enterprise or driving the economy.

I don’t fault teachers for this at all, but it does leave a big hole in the education and enlightenment needed to decide who should govern. Most of the people that I know that know anything about the economy (and some of them ARE teachers), learned it through life experience or through involved parents that took the time to share what they know about the topic.

Stats show that people with more life experience are more likely to vote, which at this point means sacrificing some of your time, getting in your car, driving to some designated place, waiting in line, proving who you are and then casting a ballot.  I do not invite the day that youthful inexperience, who knows more about Angelina’s double-mastectomy than politics, can click on a link on their smart phone, authenticate with some digital ID and then cast a ballot for the Rhino Party cause they think it would be funny. I do invite the day that youth at the age of majority, would be willing to stand in line in the rain to cast a ballot for the candidate that they think is best for our society and economy. But regardless, I don’t care what the percentage is; if only 10% of the population is educated and enlightened about what is going on in the world, then I only want 10% to vote. (I am not saying that we should be all right-wing – a bird needs a right wing and left wing to fly.)

Here’s one of my suggestions: hire a special class of teachers specifically to teach about the economy, the marketplace and entrepreneurship, made up of retired successful business people.

What do you think about voter turnout or how would you address this issue? Do you think that young people today are actually prepared to vote for what is good for all?

~ Jon

Not like an elephant

My dad used to ask odd riddles. (I would never do that to my kids…) One of the riddles went like this: How do you carve an elephant out of a block of wood?  The answer is: You take a chisel to a block of wood and knock off anything that doesn’t look like an elephant.

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As dumb as that it, it’s relevant in raising a family in today’s world.  You have to know what your family is supposed to “look like” and knock off stuff that doesn’t look like that.  I guess its also like driving a car; after a while things just look like they are supposed to.  You can’t really explain why you stop before going through a green light, but something just doesn’t fit the normal and then a car runs a red light right in front of you.

This happened today for me with my daughter. Angelica has fought cancer, and now she is fighting to get back her strength and mobility.  She wants a car, she wants a job, and most of all she just wants to be normal (at least as ‘normal’ as one of my kids can be).

She is taking a class at school called ‘Planning’.  In this class they discuss all kinds of relevant stuff, like what skills will actually make you successful in the real world and how to think critically and how to prepare for a career and how to apply for a job.  This part is awesome!!!

In teaching the class, her teacher wants everything to be ‘real’. He wants them to make resumes with skills that they actually have, select a job from the local paper that they might actually apply for, write a cover letter for their tailored resume as if they were actually applying for that job, and then conduct a mock interview where you explain why you want the job and what your qualifications are.  This part is awesome!!!

The line was crossed for me when her teacher (name blurred to protect the well-meaning) told her that she couldn’t apply to be a “mother’s helper” because she can’t run after kids on a playground if they start to run away. Again, this is all in the name of making this exercise ‘real’, and I kind of understand the point.  This went back and forth a little bit, but today Angelica got this note:

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An alarm went off inside me… Now that I have processed it, written a response, received an apologetic call back from the teacher, I know perfectly well why this is bad, but I wrote the email before even fully thinking it through… I just knew it didn’t “look like an elephant”.  Here is my reply:

As per attached, I do not agree with this and I want it to stop immediately!

Angelica has fought cancer with every fiber of her being for over three years. It has been one of the most difficult things that I have seen a child go through. Angelica was very athletic and was talking about signing up for baseball before she was diagnosed with cancer. The most painful part of the treatment for Angelica was what it stole from her in terms of time and opportunity. Now she is in a place of working very hard to recover and we are constantly reinforcing for her that she can do anything.

In an attempt to make this job interview as real as possible, I believe that you have crossed a very sensitive and very real personal boundary. The facts of her “medical condition” have only been discussed at length with Mrs — and Mr —. By repeatedly questioning Angelica’s “mother’s helper” job application and telling her that she couldn’t do that job, you are 1) incorrect about her condition, 2) incorrect about what a mother’s helper job is, 3) acting in a manner that will be harmful to her recovery, and 4) breaking the spirit of my daughter.

  1. Her condition is such that she should avoid running or doing major impact, but is completely capable of it if needs be. I don’t believe that its really her responsibility or requirement to provide you all the details of her condition to take this class. If she says that she can be a mother’s helper, then you are in no position to say otherwise.
  2. We have employed a couple mother’s helpers in the past and it did not always include taking care of children. A mother’s helper may be required to do household chores so the mother (who is still in the home) can spend time with their child. A mother’s helper is not the same as a nanny as a nanny is left alone with the child and chores. If Angelica applied to be a mother’s helper to our family, and I knew what I know about her capabilities, I would hire her in a heartbeat.
  3. Angelica needs motivation to do all the physio that she is required to do. Her motivation right now is that she wants to buy a car, and she needs a job to do that, and she is doing her physio as hard as possible so that she can get an actual job as soon as possible. By making her focus on limitations (that aren’t actually there) you are taking away her motivation.
  4. Angelica, who holds her emotion in to her own detriment, has broken down in tears about this. She is getting the message from this process that she is not good enough, that she is broken, that she could never get a job. My daughter has the spirit of a fighter, and in fact she has fought through cancer to live. But it took a lot of effort on the part of us, her parents, school counselors, friends, neighbors and family to constantly encourage her to fight, to win. I did not tolerate negative reinforcement then, and I will not tolerate it now.

I believe that walking the kids through real world scenarios is VERY VERY good. I wish that I had been taught what it is to apply for and compete for a job when I was in school. I understand the motivation for making it real, but I ask you to step back from the “realism” in this area.

I was impressed when I read my own email. The teacher called me right away, immediately saw my point and has set out to amend the situation.  I wouldn’t always jump in to fight for my kids, but there are times when I do jump right away and I can’t really explain why… I just know what my family is supposed to look like and I’ll knock off anything that doesn’t look like it.

When do you jump in and fight for your kids, or let them fight for themselves?

A record setting pace

When I was 20 years old (seems like half a lifetime ago) I ran in the Vancouver Sun Run 10K and had a time of about 42 minutes.  I’m told that’s pretty good.  My new employer has been entering a yearly corporate team to the Sun Run and I signed up to go.

PandJRunning

When I signed up I had the idea in my head that I would try and beat my previous time which would require a significant amount of training from where I was(am).  Regardless, when you sign up you are supposed to put in the time that you predict you will finish in, and I conservatively put in 46 minutes or something like that.  This time effects your bib number, starting position and so on, as faster runners get to go first to prevent bottle-necking on the race course.

So I started running a few times a week.  I had a goal, a date to aim for, and I was excited about getting back into running.

Then Patti decided to start an 8 week “Couch to 5K” program but didn’t want to run alone and asked if I would join her.  I can’t put into words how quickly my goals changed.  Before she even got the full question out of her mouth, I no longer cared at all about the Sun Run or my time.  I immediately had a new goal; to be Patti’s running partner.

There are challenges that go along with this.  For starters, I might be turning 40 this year, but I can still run at a decent speed without training and I can definitely run a full 10K without stopping, even if the time is a bit high.  So my first challenge is to make Patti feel that she is not holding me back or cramping my style by getting me to run/walk/run through a fairly light 3k over 30 minutes.  Also, I’m still signed up for the Sun Run and I still have a low bib number coming so I need to not be a total mess out there, so I need to fit in the occasional 10K as well, but the goal is now completely different.

Why?  Why would I change my goal so fast?  Typically ADHD people don’t like to change goals once they are set on something.  On top of that I have wanted to beat my 42 minutes for 19 years and this is my first crack at it.

Because, Patti and I are better together.  Patti is an amazing person.  I don’t think I’m that bad of a person myself.  Both of us have accomplished a decent amount on our own, we both have skills that are unique to us and we both have imperfections and problems.  But when we do things together we rock!  I’m not just saying that; we’re amazing…. Really!!!

OK, so in all honesty our weaknesses match our spouse’s strengths in an uncanny way and when we rely on each other’s strengths we are just… better.

Patti and I were talking about this the other night while we were running (actually I talked and Patti concentrated on breathing and managed a “yea” once in a while.  She’s a good listener when she’s running….) We were BOTH talking about this the other night while out running and it came up that she feels that her blog only represents a half of her. Certainly there are things that we don’t share on a blog, this is after all a public forum and we share a lot, but we do choose to share some stuff and not other stuff.  What she meant is that the readers of this blog only get her side of things, and you don’t get mine.  Not that my opinions are all the different, but that sometimes my perspective is.

So we have decided that I will start contributing to the blog and not just as a guest blogger, but under my own name.  Just to warn you, sometimes I’m all surface level, geeky, odd humor, and sometimes I’m deep and philosophical.  Patti is generally somewhere in the middle all the time…. See we complement each other even there.

So as the title says, I’m running for a record setting pace.  I’m not aiming to beat 42 minutes on a 10K; I am aiming at running more, farther, faster with Patti on whichever trail we happen to be on, as long as we are doing it together.

See you soon…

SunRunBib

BTW: As you can see from the picture, my bib number for the run is 2955 which puts me in the yellow zone which is way too close to the front… but if I beat 50 minutes I’ll be thrilled (and a little surprised).

Success and Anxiety

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So, I tried again tonight and YAY! I made it. I re-did Week 2 Day 3 of the “Couch to 5k” program AND…….did it with no problems. This is after not running for over a week…..almost two weeks? I’m not sure? I’m quite excited about that.

My knees feel tired but not injured which is good.

So Saturday, I’ll be attempting Week 3 Day 1…….which is a bit of a jump from this week but I’m trying to not worry about that.

I have been worrying quite a bit though. If you’ve been reading here for a while, you might remember that at the end of last year, I realized that I’ve been dealing with and fighting against anxiety, my whole life (for as long back as I can remember). Most specifically Social Anxiety but heck, if it can be worried or stressed about……most likely I’ve worried about it at some point in my life.

I went on Anti- Anxiety meds back at the end of November 2012. I was started on an extremely low dose and it made a HUGE difference. I don’t even know that I could fully explain (and most definitely not from mg phone – I’m posting from my phone……yah for the WordPress App) how much of a positive difference it made and how fast.

When I found out I was pregnant, at the beginning of January……to be honest, I felt devastated because it was best for the baby if I went off the meds. I had UNREAL amounts of anxiety for the twelve weeks that I was pregnant and would have been seeing a Reproductive Phsycologist this week had I still been pregnant. (That appt was to discuss the safest meds I could take that would still help me.)

Probably, had I not gone through the 2-2.5 stressful “cancer” years……I’d still be just plugging along; but those years really did a number on me. There is so much “fall out” from a family member going through something like that.

I started back on the meds as soon as I miscarried. I went back to my dr and checked in with him. It was all good and I made an appt for a follow up in 2 months from then.

But the meds don’t seem to be affecting me in quite the same way they did initially. I’m not sure if hormones are at play – my hormones always seem to be messed up after a miscarriage – or what the issue is but what I do know, is that I feel anxious. And it SUCKS!

I have an appt for Wednesday to talk about the possibility of a dosage increase…..but I’ll see what my Dr. says

It’s tough to feel anxious about stupid things. Things that really should make no difference and most people wouldn’t even give those things a second thought. Where as me……I fight those thoughts a third and fourth and fifth and even tenth time; and get more and more exhausted because I’m always fighting “the anxiety”

It’s hard to feel like you’re not enjoying life because everything’s a fight. And so for now……I take meds because its what I believe I need. In some ways, even taking the meds feels like I’m “failing”. Like I should be trying harder and yet……..I’m “tried” out; and going this route…..it enables me to still be available for my family. Which is so necessary………although, I’d love to check out……not forever……just for a moment….maybe to catch my breath.

It’s what all mom’s hope for, right?

Running from or to?

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I started running in the beginning of March. I’m not sure if I was running away from something or running towards something. All I know is that I needed to do something…….and for some strange reason, running seemed like it fit what I was looking for.

I used to run…….a long time ago…….literally, a life time ago. When I was 16, I ran; and for the most part it was something to do to expend energy. I’ve never been particularly “athletic” but for a while I did run.

Not sure why I stopped but I did.

So I started again. After 20+ years, I’m not sure that you’d really call it running quite yet…….BUT…..I have been running in short intervals (and between extremely heavy breathing walking sections) and so I call it running.

About 2 weeks ago, I bought new runners and 2 runs after that, I landed one step badly on an uneven piece of curb and pulled my MCL.

I’m so bummed. I’ve been to physio. I’m icing it. I’m doing squats and lunges all to strengthen my quads and even though it seemed like my knees were good to go today……..not too long into my run (and walk). We had to slow up and walk.

I’m annoyed. I just want to run. I wonder…….I wonder about the whole “running away from” scenario. I wonder if I am just running towards this new phase off life. I wonder if I need to deal with stuff. I’m sure I do……..who doesn’t? Mostly I just want to run…..to feel the feeling that kicks in about half way into it…….to feel so good….

And I can’t…..not yet….but soon….

Stream of Consciousness……

Life and Death……so many people I know living life, contemplating life, celebrating life, and yet there is death.

It’s the way this world works, no?

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I stepped out of the shower tonight and looked at myself in the mirror. Do you ever do this? Look at yourself. See yourself. What do you see? Do you see all the imperfections? Do you see the strength? Do you see the beauty? Do you see the years of love given? What do you see?

I saw a shell. I saw a home that has lovingly carried 10 babies, birthed 6 of them, with 5 of those living, laughing, and loving.

A week ago, on Saturday March 2, I woke up and I was almost 12 weeks pregnant…..it’s been a rough start to 2013. I’ll say that much. I was so looking forward to telling everybody about this new little life that we had been gifted. When we finally crawled back into our bed on Sunday morning around 3:30am…….I was empty, no longer “full” of life.

I spent the past 3 months, in shock, sleeping, gagging, barfing and stressing…..probably most of all stressing. I’ll say it again. I’ve had a really rough start to 2013.

Backing things up, 2 days before Christmas, we had what you might call a “condom malfunction”. 17.5 years of marriage and it’s never happened……no matter – there is NO WAY we are pregnant. That “NO WAY” turned into a very amazing and completely shocking positive pregnancy test on January 3rd. To say we were surprised is putting things very mildly.

Six kids is a lot to handle. Heck, 5 is a lot to handle. How could we possibly do this? How were we ever going to be able to handle this……financially, time wise, energy wise and well, just how the heck were we going to do this.

I had just started anti-anxiety meds just a little over a month before and honestly, that was the best Christmas that I remember. It was SO less than perfect, but I wasn’t stressed out of my mind and that made it absolutely blissful.

I had to stop taking those meds, in the best interest of the baby and while I was totally willing to do so……I WAS DEVASTATED. Those two little pills that I took before I crawled into bed in the evening had made such a dramatic difference in my life and I was terrified to walk away from the very thing that seemed to be enabling me to cope with difficult situations, especially when I was facing a very difficult situation. I’d been pregnant 9 other times before this one and only 5 of those pregnancies resulted in live births……not really great odds. Mind you, I’d had 2 live births since all the deaths and maybe, just maybe the string of deaths was beyond me.

It wasn’t. Long story short……I’m no longer pregnant. I’m walking around so caught inside of my own head that I’m not sure how to work it all out. My mind keeps trying to figure out ways that I can have another baby, but it’s not going to happen. We are done and yet, I don’t want to let go of that.

This body of mine……this shell has tried to house and attempted to nourish babies almost continuously for the past 16 years. I’m not even sure what to do with myself now that the door has close on that section of my life. Who am I? What do I want to do with myself? With my life?

I still have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, a highly needy 12 year old and two amazing daughters who also need their mother so much, but I feel so lost. I need to find out who I am aside from just a mom and yet…….I don’t want to. It feels like I’m losing something else! I’m walking away from this huge part of my life and walking towards………..what? WHAT????? I don’t know. I’m sure it will be fabulous when I get there……when I figure it out, but right now….It’s scary. It’s open……..My whole life is ahead of me and all I want to do is go back and be pregnant.

I want another baby. I wanted another baby. I want another baby so bad and yet……I stuff the feelings. I choke back the tears. I internalize the sobs and hope that I don’t break down and totally lose it. Lose WHAT? I don’t know, but I’m scared by the depth of these emotions. I’m scared that if I let go…..if I really acknowledge these deep, dark, horrible, scary feelings that I may not be able to reign it all back in……I think I’m even more scared that once I let it go that I’ll be lost. That I won’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to do, once I let go of this grief, of this dream, of this time in my life.

I could “do” so many things, but who am I and what am I “supposed” to do. What do I want to do? I don’t know. I don’t KNOW. I DON’T KNOW!!!!!

What I do know is that I’m sad. I’m sad that I no longer have something that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted before I was given it. I’m sad that I was given something and then that amazing something was taken away. I’m sad that I’ve not even really cried yet…..it’s like in all of this I’ve not even really paid tribute to this sweet life who was taken from us.

Holding my brand new nephew tonight was amazing and yet so tough. I will never have that again. That dream of once more holding a little baby……my little baby……. I don’t get that any more…….ever. That chapter of my life is gone, closed, finished…..and yet I rejoice for my sister and my brother and my nephew….. that they could welcome a wonderfully perfect baby and he is so precious. I can see that he is not mine and I can compartmentalize my grief and my joy and recognize that I can feel both at the same time. Recognize that maybe I can feel so much joy and wonder at this new life because I know how difficult the opposite is….and yet I run from the grief……I only allow small tiny bubbles to roll up. Is it healthy? Most definitely not? Do I feel equipped enough to handle all of this right now…..maybe not….but will I get through this? Yes.

I’ve gone through so much. We’ve had so much death, so many hard times, so many difficult “life lessons” and I know I “can” handle this. I just don’t want to…..I had really hoped that these dark, difficult days were behind us, but they are not…..and so we carry on. We put one foot in front of the other and we carry on.

We live! We laugh! We love! We carry on!

I will process this……I have no worries or concerns about that. maybe that’s why I’m not beating myself up too badly. I will deal with this. I know I will…..I’m just not really dealing with it yet….It’s too much….too soon……too much to feel….mind you, it’s really too much to carry too……..and so soon…..someday soon…….

…Finding that it is Necessary…

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watercolor words by rocketrictic

I don’t know how to write this post. I want to make it perfect. (HA! Even that is so telling of what I’ve been struggling with.) There is so much I could say and no way to say it all. I want to be able to explain with just the right words and to be able to make myself understood. I want to be able to bring light to a situation that is too often misunderstood or a lot of the time hidden or seen as something to be ashamed of.

I feel like each of us can use our voice to speak out and bring light to the situations that we go through in life and in doing so, we can affect our world……..we can change our world for better.

Too often the subject of Mental Health is hidden or seen as a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. The Canadian Mental Health Association estimates that 1 in 5 Canadians will deal with Mental Health Issues at some point in their lives. 1 in 5 is pretty significant, I think; compare that to Diabetes which currently affects about 1 in 10 Canadians……it makes me sad that people feel the need to be ashamed of or to keep it a secret that they are or might be struggling with Mental Health Issues.

Almost 2 weeks ago I was looking into Anxiety Disorders because someone I know and love seems to be struggling with Anxiety. What I read shocked me…..

I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER.

I have had an anxiety disorder for my entire life, at least as far back as I can remember……and I had NO CLUE! I’ve had overwhelming fear and worry and anxiety and because I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel like this, I thought “this” was normal. I thought that everyone felt like I did and if they didn’t worry or stress as much as me it’s only because they didn’t care as much. I feel like the more I worry or stress or over-analyze things, the less opportunity there is for things to go wrong….if I think through every option or worse case scenario, then I will be more prepared if something were to go wrong. If I think through every negative thought someone will or might have about me, then I can be better or more perfect or less likely to offend someone and maybe just maybe they will like me…..it’s a completely irrational fear or worry of future events. It’s like I’m borrowing fear from tomorrow and stressing about it as if it’s already happened today……totally messes with you mentally, emotionally and physically.

Of the different types of Anxiety…

– Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
– Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
– Generalized Anxiety Disorder
– Panic Disorder
– Phobia
– Social Anxiety Disorder

….I’ve probably experienced varying levels of each one at different times in my life.

The biggest one that I struggle with is the Social Anxiety Disorder….if you clicked on that link and read through the page…..that’s me. I have struggled with…… “an intense, persistent, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others, and of doing things that will embarrass them (me). They(I) can worry for days or weeks before a dreaded situation. This fear may become so severe that it interferes with work, school, and other ordinary activities, and can make it hard to make and keep friends.”

I’ve always said that I’ve struggled with insecurities. It felt overwhelming and huge in my life and I’ve fought my entire life to “try to overcome them”. I couldn’t understand how I could actually like myself and think that I was a beautiful person both inside and out and yet be so hard or down on myself.

While reading and researching, I came across a site that explained anxiety as an outside force affecting you on the inside (and if I could find the site to link to it, I totally would, it was a great article) and it hit me so hard….. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that I feel like I’m fighting myself. I’m fighting to be normal. I’m fighting to keep it all together. I’m fighting to stay in control…..and honestly, after the past 2.5 years…..I’m too tired to fight anymore.

For the past 6 months, I’ve felt like I was losing the battle and yet…..between cancer and the lingering after effects, two teenagers, 3 children with ADHD, 2 with massive sensory issues, 1 with Anxiety Issues, homeschooling, a toddler and just trying to keep the house from falling apart and keeping food on the table….there was no opportunity to fall apart or to give up.

My Doctor keeps telling me that yes I could have just “given up or gone back to bed”, that people do it all the time and that I should be proud of myself for the fact that I’ve kept on going…..I can’t even fathom that was an option. There’s a baby to look after and the 2 boys would have destroyed the house….or each other and some one would have gotten hurt……or something…..

I get anxious just thinking about the boys unsupervised…..

I sat in the Doctors office last Thursday crying because it’s been really difficult to “be me”. I’ve been fighting myself for so long……actually, I guess it would be more appropriate to say that I’ve been fighting the anxiety for so long and I have very little, if any, reserves left. I’m starting to recognize when it’s the anxiety speaking….I’m still working on dealing with the physical feelings from the anxiety but recognizing when it’s the “anxiety” is a start and has already helped some…

There are two main approaches to dealing with and treating anxiety……therapy and medication. I’ve decided to go with both. I started an anti-anxiety medication last week and also went to talk with my counselor.

I’ve been on an absolute emotional roller coaster ride for the past almost 2 weeks. I’ve been grieving lost opportunities and lost time that was stolen from me by this thing called “anxiety” and yet I’m so excited for what my future holds. I’m so excited that I don’t have to live under the crushing pressure of anxiety for the rest of my life. I’m excited to start feeling better. I’m excited for new possibilities and opportunities. I’m saddened that it seems that I’ve contributed to my son’s anxiety. I believe that based on the number of people in my family who deal with or who have dealt with anxiety, that there is a big genetic component to this. At the same time, I’m so excited to be able to understand better what he deals with and to be able to help him better be able to learn about this disorder and how to deal with it.

I came across the image/quote at the top of this post about a month ago and it hit me so hard. I’ve been frustrated for a while because I’ve had people telling me that I needed to let things go….that I was carrying too heavy of a load. I already do almost nothing “extra”. I’m just trying to function within the “crazy” that is my life and family. It’s a lot. I recognize that. But really, there are no extra’s to cut back on. Last week, this image came back to me in an “Ah Ha!” moment.

It’s time to let go of the anxiety. It’s too heavy to carry. I’ve been overwhelmed for far too long and while I’m not sure exactly how to “do this”, I’m working with some amazing people who are coming along side of me to help me “carry this” until I can fully let go.

But even just recognizing that I have something to let go of……recognizing that I don’t have to be crushed by this forever, is HUGE!

Hurting and Remembering

I remember the day we lost Nathaniel so vividly. I remember feeling so lost, so empty…….so removed and yet so shockingly forced into a reality that I never, ever, ever in a million years ever expected myself to be in.

It felt like the very life had been ripped out of me. I remember holding my sweet baby and feeling so conflicted and confused. How was I supposed to act? What was acceptable? What was inappropriate? And under it all…….does it even matter anymore? How am I supposed to carry on when a huge part of me has died.

My heart felt like it had stopped and yet it traitorously kept beating. Not that I wanted to die, but I was in so much pain that even breathing hurt. And I just wanted to not hurt for a moment.

I remember walking away from the hospital thinking, “This is not how this was supposed to go. I am not supposed to be walking away from here empty handed. I am leaving my heart behind, here in the hospital” and yet there I was. No bags full of presents and baby things, no heavy, awkward car seat, no baby….just the pain and the grief that overwhelmed me……threatening to crush me. I forced myself to move one foot in front of the other. I had kids, I had a husband. I had a life that I had to carry on with and yet……..my life had stopped. Very few that I knew, understood what I was going though and even though there were ones who did……I still felt so alone…..so lost.

This was my grief to bear. My baby I lost. My life to live……if you could call this living.

The emptiness, the loneliness, the hurt, the tears…….all came rushing back this morning. It’s been just over 7 years since we lost Nathaniel and while thoughts of him no longer consume my every day….there are moments when the loss hits me so hard that it takes my breath away and it feels like I’m back there in that moment.

This morning I’m hurting. I’m hurting for those who hurt. I’m hurting for myself. I’m hurting for my loss and your loss.

These little ones….they are our sons and daughters, but they are also our grandsons and daughters and our nieces and nephews, our cousins. The loss….it’s all our loss. Regardless of their time here on earth, these little ones leave a huge impact. There are holes that can never be filled and lessons learned in love, togetherness, understanding, gentleness, caring, kindness and compassion. In spite of their time here on earth being shorter than we had hoped or wanted….their legacy lives on in the everyday actions of those they leave behind.

But today….I hurt. I hurt for you and I hurt for me.

I will always remember!

“Me” time….

It’s is short order around here.

But, the baby is asleep and the house is a COMPLETE DISASTER.  I need to pick up toilet paper and I must ship out some orders.  (thanks for your support – you guys are amazing!)

I’m trying to figure out how to have or take some “ME” time.  I think that it’s so important to be able to have time to recharge and relax and de-compress and yet….it’s tough.

I remember these years when you have littles around far to well.  When it was just Josiah, it seemed SO MUCH EASIER, but somehow the two little ones keep me hopping ALL DAY!

I’m squashing back the “mommy guilt” as I’ve let Josiah play video games this morning.  He’s not been allowed to play on the WII for 2 weeks and he only gets about 1/2 an hour of a show or movie at lunch time and so I know that it’s not bad if he has one “off” day.  I think that the hardest part for me is that he asks so often for the games or movies and I just wish that he’d play more….

There really is not good point to this post…..that’s brutal!

Well, the point is that I’ve got to figure out a way to have some “me” time.  Not sure how, but I know that I must…..

Do you have any suggestions?  Ideas? 

I used to go and do yoga for an hour and half 3 times a week and right now that’s not in the budget, but I’ve got to figure something out.

What I really want and I’m totally dreaming here….I want 2 weeks on a beach in a hot place.  I want to be able to sleep for the first week and then really enjoy the second week. That sounds like an amazing way to recharge, but then again it doesn’t help me with a regular “down time” and I’ve got to figure that out too.

One day…it’ll happen one day, right Jon?

ps.  Have you entered to win in my giveaway?  Right now your odds are really good!

I just don’t know……

What a day it’s been today and it’s only 12:45pm……CRAZY!

Right now, Jeremy and Josiah are outside for a little “Daily Physical Activity”, Judah is sleeping on the couch and I’m taking a moment for myself.

I kept Jeremy home from school today because I figured he needed a “Mental Health Day”.  He’s been having some social difficulties at school and I’m concerned about him.  Because of the severity of ADHD, there is a lot of “social conduct” that Jeremy has not learned.  There are so many things that he just doesn’t “get” and it’s so hard because between him not understanding what is socially acceptable and unacceptable and him being “different” it can get him into social situations that look a lot like bullying.  Not where he is bullying, but where he is being bullied.

I was talking with Jon yesterday about this and just comparing it to rape.  Obviously, that is a bad comparison, but when it comes down to it….no woman “asks or deserves” to be raped and no child “asks or deserves” to be bullied…..regardless of what they do or do not do.

Jeremy is different.  I will be the first to acknowledge that.  Jeremy often makes awkward social choices without understanding how others will perceive him.  He is not aware of how his actions come across or how they are inappropriate.  And yet, the way he is currently being treated is not okay.  Something has to change.

I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.  I don’t want him to “quit”.  I don’t want him to “give up”.  This is not something that he should just “suck up” and “get over”.  There are more and more kids committing suicide over bullying these days and while I don’t believe that is something that I need to worry about with Jeremy…..I don’t ever want it to get to the place where he might ever contemplate that.  I want to advocate for him before it ever got anywhere close to that.

At the beginning of the year, Jeremy was so excited about school.  He had such a positive outlook on school.  He was excited about his teacher.  He was excited because we were getting his meds tweaked.  He was just really, really excited about school in general.  So much has changed over the last 3 months.  At this point, Jeremy wakes up in the morning and typically the first thing he says to me is that he’s not going to school.  He continues to inform me that he’s not going to school until the moment I drop him off at school.  And then from the minute he walks in the door, he lets me know that he hates school and that he’s not going back the next day…..He’s called me twice within the last week during the day to let me know that he’s stressed out and needs to come home.  I don’t think that he’s being bullied the entire time that he’s at school, but I do think that the stress is wearing on him and making it difficult to focus and concentrate.

He called me yesterday crying and last night he fell apart.  And so…..I told him that he could have a Mental Health day. He calmed a bit after that.

He is aware that he is going back to school tomorrow and today has not just been a free for all.  I have contemplated home schooling him before.  I have just as many pros as cons for doing it and for not doing it.  It’s a tough call and ultimately I want to be able to do what is best for Jeremy while taking our family into consideration.

I see that there are things that are so beneficial for example….he’s got a science test coming up and we were studying for that.  I was able to help him find the key points and we were able to talk through some of the issues that he didn’t fully understand.  I had the ability to walk him through something one on one….and that I can see as totally beneficial.  The down side to that, is that I had the two little boys going NUTS on me while I tried to do this.  And it was a bit of a gong show.  Now, it’s not something that we’ve done before and so I believe that they could learn to do something to entertain themselves which I would like them to do, but there is that factor of them being around to take into the mix. We were also able to play some classical music at the same time and Jeremy does seem to respond to that.  He finds it easier to focus when there is classical music on…not something that they can do as easily in the classroom.

After the science, we worked on his spelling for a bit and I was able to test him orally while he walked around and moved.  He got 14 out of 20 and seemed to really like the fact that he was allowed to move and pace.  I made him print out the 6 words that he got wrong while standing at our kitchen counter…..on a wobble board.  He does so much better when he can move and I think that it was a bonus.

After that, he played with both his brothers for ten minutes while I tidied up the kitchen.  As much as that may seem silly…typically they fight when they play together and my rule was 10 minutes of playing with no fighting.  Learning how to co-operate and problem solve while incorporating three very different age groups into the same activity.  There was only one small squabble and Jeremy handled it very well….learning leadership….

After that we had an art period where we painted.  We talked about how colors can be transparent or opaque and we started to paint some large garden rocks to prep them to become ladybugs.  We talked about doing jobs with excellence especially if you are interested in selling them….he is…and how people want to buy things that are done with excellence.  There is a higher value on well made items.

We cleaned up from our art time and then had lunch.  I loved that Jeremy was able to eat a balanced and healthy lunch.  I took the baby and nursed him to sleep and then shooshed the two boys outside for half an hour of Daily Physical Activity.

They are playing amazingly right now.  Typically all I hear from them is fighting and screaming….so this is a bit of a Christmas miracle.  I don’t know if the fact that everything has been broken down into small chunks of time has made a difference or what, but I like it.

When they come inside, I’ve got some math worksheets for Jeremy to do and then we are going to do 10 minutes of house tidying.  After that I’m going to have them help me with making some cookies and we are going to talk about fractions and multiplication and division wile learning some home ec skills.

I’m also going to have Jeremy write up a journal entry about his day today.

There are so many good aspects of today and yet…I’m still not sure.  What is the right thing to do?  Would homeschooling him for half a year and then sending him back to school be the best thing for him?  Would changing schools help?  Would just sticking it out, be the best thing?  What is the best thing for him?  Is there even a “best thing” or do we just make a choice and go with it and believe that whatever we choose will work?

What do we do about the whole social skills thing?  Obviously I could work on it with him at home, but it that the best thing??? Is it better to have an entire school to muddle through these things with?  Is he really going to grow up to be in a position where he is in a huge group of people all the time or is there a greater likelihood that he winds up in a more solitary job?  Does he need  peace for his own mental good and what gives him the greatest amount of peace?  I don’t know all the answers to my questions and that’s tough on me.

I like to know.  I like to have a plan and for this…..I’m unsure.  I don’t want to romanticize something and yet at the same time, i don’t want to pass something by that could be the best thing for him.  Or it could be the worst thing for him….I just don’t know.

I just don’t know.

And so for now….I just keep encouraging him to forgive. I keep encouraging him to keep his heart soft and to not harden it.  I keep encouraging him to try and try and try again.