Month: December 2013

Moving Forward The Morning After

So I posted last night…..

I was tired and emotional and probably if those two factors had not ganged up on me….I may have filtered myself a bit more or even just made less typos…..maybe….maybe not?!?

I don’t know that this morning brought any new clarity with it.

I woke up with a killer headache……….at 5:30am.

Yah, it’s been a long day already and it’s only noon-ish. Did not get back to sleep after that. BLERGH!!!!

On a side note….It’s gorgeous outside.

That is the view to my right….

and this is my view straight ahead…..

She’s not supposed to be on the couch….but I haven’t exactly kicked her off.

It’s the last day of school before the Christmas Break….and probably my last quiet (ish) day for the next two weeks.

So, I’m taking advantage of it. I’m sitting. The house is a mess, and I made Judah pancakes for lunch. He is currently trolling Netflix….I believe Ninjago is the show of choice at this exact moment.

I’m currently staring at my Christmas Tree trying to figure out what I’m thinking, but again with the 50 million thoughts going in 50 million directions.

I had a few people send me private messages of encouragement and those were so nice to hear.

I wonder if it’s about perspective.

I’m in the middle of it all. From my position, I look around me and I see children who are unique and amazing and challenging in their own fantastic ways. I see the screaming and the bickering and the squabbling and the challenges to get them to do their chores and take care of their responsibilities. I see their shortcomings and I want to work with them to strengthen those areas while at the same time encouraging them in their strengths. I see these amazing individuals with really great hearts even in spite of all the challenges that we’ve faced individually and as a family……. But it’s a constant effort to keep these 5 bodies moving in a forward direction.

We were so isolated over the “cancer years” and before then….doing almost anything with Jeremy required HERCULEAN effort and sometimes it was easier to just not do anything. Again…..very isolating.

It is hard when you’ve had it said to your face that people can’t be friends with you because your child is too difficult. Or to hear from others that you shouldn’t subject your children to people because they are too much effort to have around and be around.

Just typing both of those down….I realize how brutal those two comments are. I mean, I know how brutal they are….I’ve lived though both of those said directly to my face and more. But I can’t imagine saying those things to someone…..EVER!!! I love children. I especially love the challenging kids. The ones that make you think and keep you on your toes. The extremely smart kids that say the most incredible things but require a little more attention and focus……I love the regular kind of kids too, but somehow, the ones that people seem annoyed with or bothered by….the ones that talk and talk and talk and talk and never shut up……I LOVE those kids. I want to go out of my way to make sure that they feel special and included and NEVER EVER a bother or an inconvenience….

I get it. I know how much effort it is. I live it…..EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! Jeremy has not been the easiest child. He requires some effort. Well, he requires a lot amount of effort. So does Josiah in a different way and Judah….well, he’s a 3 year old. What 3 year old doesn’t require some attention and effort. My boys require effort……I know this. I guess, it would just feel really good to feel like others “want” to be with my kids. Do you know what I mean? I think that in spite of their particular challenges or maybe even as a result of them….that my kids……all 5 of them are pretty amazing. I’d love to feel like others felt that too and wanted to spend time with them….not cause they HAD to, but because they WANTED to.

So, to those who have said something…..THANK YOU. Really! I appreciate it more than you may ever know.

I’m not sharing this in the hopes that people will “do” something. I am just trying to unravel some of this mess inside myself. Part of that is dealing with the hurts and wounds that I have or have gotten.

I realize that I’ve been hurt and I definitely have some sore, open wounds when it comes to my kids and how they are perceived and received.

And this OBVIOUSLY colors how I hear people comment on my kids.

So the school wanting to help Siah….turns into….HE’S A PROBLEM…..which I can’t even fathom….cause he’s freaking sweet kid who can read and write and wants to please…….and then I go…WHAT….WHAT do I even do with that….

How could be he a problem…..which, when it comes down to it….that is not even the issue at all.

He is a great kid….who has some quirks and may require “some individualized strategies” to help him succeed and how do we (parents & school) as a collective team help him to achieve success?

So we met, and talked through some things and I think I have a better perspective. I think we are more on the same page than I “felt”.

Which is great.

Not that the whole things doesn’t still stress me out….but the Principal….she’s an amazing lady, encouraged me to trust them and to just “plug my nose and JUMP!”

I believe this school and these people are amazing people…..I believe they truly care about Josiah. I really do believe that they want the best for him. That they want him to succeed. And so…..I jump.

I’m scared.
I’m nervous.
I’m sure I’ll need reassurance again.

But…..

I want to trust.
I want to believe.
I want to be in “community.”

and so….

I carry on…

one step after the other…..hopefully in a forward direction. 🙂

Finding a lose thread

It feels like I have a million thoughts running through my brain. I just wish I could pick one of them, out of the jumble. I feel like if I could find the loose end of “one” thought……then maybe…..just maybe I could start to unravel this mess inside of myself.

But it seems like the harder I try to wrestle within myself…..the tighter the mess inside me gets and I’m left wondering if I should just stop fighting so hard to unravel it all or even if I should just let it all go?

The biggest thing weighing on me right now is Siah……always with a heavy weight of Jeremy……but today we had a meeting with Siah’s school.

It was a good meeting, as far as meetings go with the teachers, the resource teacher and the principal go.

I’m so…….so……….

I’m so conflicted about it all.

Siah is so different that Jeremy. I get that. I get that no two kids are the same. But I also know what we’ve been through as far as assessing Jeremy and getting him helps and I’m not sure how to even approach that with Siah.

On one hand, I feel like they are saying “THERE IS A PROBLEM.” And on the other hand, I hear that they see the potential within him and they want to know how they can best support him.

I actually do believe that this school and these people really do want to help my son succeed.

I find it so hard, when our experience with Jeremy and school has been SO negative. Dealing with Jeremy and “the school system” was soul crushing. I had people saying that he was a nice kid but then sending him out he the hall or the sick room cause they couldn’t “handle” him.

Throw the maternal guilt and a massive anxiety complex on top of it all……and you have a very messed up trying to function through the pain and rejection while trying to survive against ADHD and undiagnosed Autism.

I keep hearing snippets from today’s meeting playing through my brain and while I desperately want to believe the good about people and situations….I feel like I’ve got a war going on inside of me.

I want to fight for myself and my kids. I feel like I can’t trust people. I feel like people don’t know us and won’t see “us”. I feel like they won’t understand and see the “good”. I feel like I have to fight…….kicking and screaming for everything that we deserve.

I don’t want to live like that. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of living “on my own”. Of raising my kids, “on my own”. Of fighting for my and my children’s right to be accepted and loved as they are………and not only “if they conform to social norms……”

I’m tired.

Jon and I were talking the other day and while I feel like I’ve recovered some from the intensity of the cancer devastation……..we’re left wondering if we will always feel tired like this…..

I don’t know.

I want to hear that people love my kids and want to spend time with them. I don’t want to always hear about how my kids are a problem or how they fall short. I don’t want to hear that I should spank or discipline harsher. I don’t want to hear that I just need to do it “this way” or “that way”

I want to hear that my kids are treasures and that they are special. And not because they have “special needs”

I need to go…..to go to sleep. To hopefully let some of this settle. Maybe in the morning, maybe then I can find a loose end to start unraveling. But for now……for now I will sleep…….and cry……..I hate crying. I’m so tired of crying. It sucks…..leaves you puffy and with a headache…..I hate that.

Cannot wait for the Christmas break. It cannot come soon enough.