With my Humanity Faltering….

We took a Mental Health Day, today!

Jude had climbed into bed with us, at some point last night. First thing this morning, He opened his eyes, looked at me and said, “I just can’t go today.

Like I mentioned yesterday, we have a kids day camp this week. It’s fun. It’s amazing. It’s epic. It’s theme is “Power Up”. They do Fortnite dancing, and crafts and have snacks and an epic water day. It’s AWESOME!

And in the last two days, my kid has used up any and every bit of emotional and mental reserve.

So, I declared today a Mental Health Day and we did nothing taxing; and only things that we wanted to do.

I have pretty firm opinions on parenting. I don’t like to put up with any garbage or judgement from others. It makes me sick when I see children being treated as bad or devious or evil. I do understand that there are some children who have been so hurt that they need extraordinary help and support; but so many children are spoken to as if they aren’t real people.

Real people who have rights, deserve dignity and autonomy. Real people who deserve respect and kindness regardless of whether they are non-compliant, misbehaving or just young.

But for all of my opinions, I’m still human.

I grew up with old school thinking that disrespects children. Thinking that says that I’m the boss and if I’m just tougher or more authoritative or just force a child to do something that they will get over their issue. Their issue, that isn’t legitimate anyway. They’re probably just faking it, in the hopes of getting away with something.

I don’t believe that line of thinking for one second. And yet, within the stress and chaos and exhaustion of parenting high needs kids, there are times that my resolve falters. I question my moral compass. I question my parenting skills. I question my ability to know or think or believe anything.

In that space, I allow the worry, the questions and the self doubt to surround me, for a moment, before I shake them off. Those thoughts don’t fit on me. I can’t wear them with pride, courage or confidence

**********

I believe that children, innately, want to succeed and do well.

I believe that if a child is not succeeding and thriving; that is not because they are intentionally misbehaving. They are struggling.

I believe that children try to do their very best and if we feel that their best is some how “missing a mark” then we must step along side and support them, in ways that are meaningful to them.

I believe that behaviour is communication and as the adults, it’s our job to detect what they, the children, are struggling to put into words and to help them…..not judge, shame or criticize.

I believe that our children should run to us when faced with problems and not try to hide from us, out of shame and guilt. It’s our actions, words and reactions that reinforce those beliefs and actions.

So in this moment of humanity, when I question my ability to parent my child, to help him to be resilient, to help him find his strength and his voice, to help him find his way in this world knowing that he is valued and loved and capable…….I pause.

I remind myself of what I believe and why I believe it.

I remind myself that it’s okay to not be okay.

I remind myself that taking a Mental Health Day is a gift and not a punishment.

I remind myself that I’m teaching my children invaluable life lessons by honouring them, respecting them and teaching them to be in tune with their needs.

I remind myself that this season will not last forever.

With my humanity faltering, but my beliefs unwavering, I carry on; doing the best that I can, in this moment and knowing that it’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay!

Pain, Coping and Recovery

Today is a special day. Five years ago today, my sweet Xandra decided to make a change in her life.

She told us that she wanted to talk to us. We knew she’d been struggling for years with depression and anxiety.

It’s hard not to when your sister was diagnosed with cancer, your baby brother was born, your brothers have autism and you’re unsure how to deal with it all. You don’t know if you should bear the weight of everything because your mom and dad are overwhelmed. You don’t want to burden them any more, but you still have needs.

Xani told us that she’d been cutting for a year. That she’d been using this self-harm as a way to cope and alleviate the emotional/mental stress that she had been feeling. She showed us her arms and her legs. She wanted help to stop cutting and knew she couldn’t do it alone.

I was in shock.

She was so badly wounded. Her physical body was a outward representation of how wounded and how much pain she felt internally.

As a mom, it’s a horrible place to be in. To try to hold it together and be loving and compassionate and understanding.

To offer unconditional love and acceptance to the hurting person in front of you, while at the same time feeling absolute helplessness to know how to move forward.

Wondering how to get your child help, to give your child help.

Feeling terrifying rage at the person who mutilated and hurt your child, all the while knowing that it was YOUR child who did this to themselves. Knowing that they must have felt unimaginable emotional and mental pain to have even considered this as an option.

The dichotomy of emotions was huge.

I’d love to say that we had a well thought out game plan. That we rocked her recovery. But the the truth is……this was Xani’s journey.

She determined that she didn’t like where she at and that something needed to change. She reached out for help. She was open about the pain she had been and was currently experiencing. She recognized and identified the harmful things she was doing to cope with and escape her pain. She chose to walk away from those harmful coping mechanisms. Did she struggle on her road to recovery. Absolutely! But she reached out for relationship and community when she felt tempted to cut. When she felt the pain and stress rising up internally – instead of hiding and coping on her own, she reached out. She brought her feelings out into the open and allowed us to walk with her.

We……..we were there. We were available….to love, to accept, to champion, to talk, to just BE there.

Today, I’m SO VERY thankful.

I’m thankful for so many things. I’m thankful for this incredible woman that I have the honour to call my daughter. I’m thankful for courage and her strength and her vulnerability. I’m thankful to be on this side of this journey. I’m thankful for the perspective that this journey gave me. I’m thankful for the opportunity to love and accept. I’m thankful for the knowledge that we as people experience pain and look for ways to treat the pain and cope; often how we “cope” is in unhealthy ways….but that doesn’t make us bad or unloveable or unworthy; it just makes us human.

We are all worthy of love and acceptance; not in spite of who we are, but because of who we are.

ps. I have Xani’s permission to share about her journey. But I’ve also shared my perspective of it because this is my life, my journey and my perspective.

Parenting Musings

I spend a lot of time thinking about Parenting.

More often than not, I’m musing about how I parent and why I parent the way I do. I think about how I can connect with my kids on a deeper level. I often wonder how I can communicate in ways that are meaningful to them and that really make positive ideals and beliefs come alive in their lives.

On good days, I feel like Parenting is my “calling” and on bad days, I just want to give up, crawl into bed and play 1000 levels of Candy Crush. I’ve known since I was a teenager that I wanted to be a parent; in my naivety, I didn’t realize that life was a crapshoot and that there are no guarantees. The dreams I had for my future never included autism, ADHD, anxiety, cancer, loss, trauma, etc; but as I say to my children,

“Life is not fair; but you do get to choose how you act and react to the challenges (and gifts) that come into your life.”

In saying that life is a crapshoot, I’m not hating on my life, at all! My life is filled with beauty and wonder. Yes, I am often exhausted, but I choose to see the beauty and the wonder, and to accept the joy in the sorrow and the struggle. I believe we have seen our share of sorrow and struggle; but I also feel that to the immense depth of grief and sorrow that we allow ourselves to feel, we also get to experience the equivocal amount of joy.

“The walls we build around us to keep out sadness also keep out the joy.” Jim Rohn

This little one has had such huge struggles with anxiety. To see glimpses of him unencumbered by fear brings me SO JOY.

One thing that I think has really helped me, and it’s not limited to parenting, is to identify my goals.

My supreme goal as a parent, is to raise these children into respectful, hard working , compassionate, members of society. I want them to be confident in who they are, to know that they have a voice. It’s important to me that they know the importance of boundaries; and that they know how to set, enforce and protect their boundaries. I want them to think critically. I want them to be able to make choices, weigh the consequences; and, be willing to accept the consequences, regardless of whether they are positive or negative.

Having a clear goal, makes it easier to weigh in on what’s important, what’s unimportant and what’s detrimental. It also challenges me to ask how any particular issue applies to the goals that I’m working towards.

My parenting goals are generalized goals that give me a framework to help both me and my children. Each of my children are so unique and I’m not trying to raise carbon copy robots; but I am hoping to raise decent human beings that are courageous, respectful, compassionate, industrious, rational, creative dreamers. I don’t believe that this is too much to ask.

The practical application of this, looks different for each child, but the overall goal is the same.

So, how does this help me?

If I had to narrow it all down and choose one key word or goal, it would be respect.

If my children grow up to be respectful adults, all the supporting goals should fall in line. In my mind, being respectful of yourself, to others, to the world around you, and to those in authority over or under you, will set you up for success. I come back to the virtue of respect, daily.

I believe that one of the biggest ways that children learn is by watching and modelling.

Any parent of a 2 year old knows that you’ve got to watch what you say in front of your kids, because they will parrot back what they hear. We are our kids biggest role models and influencers. They are learning from us.

They are listening to what we say.

They are listening to HOW we say it, even more so.

They are watching how we act and react…..and not only with the world but with them.

From our interactions with them, they are learning how to interact with people who have authority and with people who are under authority.

The way I see it, if my goal is to raise respectful human beings, then I must also model respect. Not just in front of them, but to them.

The lessons they will learn from how I act and communicate with them, have a life long impact.

I don’t believe that my role in my children’s life is to force them to follow rules, or to bend or break their spirit.

I do believe that you can be respectful and communicate needs, desires, and differing opinions.

I do believe you can train and guide while showing respect.

I do believe that children are as deserving of respect as adults are.

I do believe that children need MANY opportunities to practice being respectful, with the onus on us as adults, to understand that it’s going to take years to master the skill.

I do believe that children, like adults, want to do their best in most situations. In tough situations, what we often deem as “not enough”, may be, in fact “their best” at that moment. Respecting where they are at, allows them safe space and an opportunity to be self aware and vulnerable without shame…..all these things are important for self-respect to grow.

I do believe that relationship is more important than “being right.” Being human, I mess up often and I have no fear admitting that to my children, because, once again, I’m modelling to them the value of relationship, vulnerability and most importantly respect.

The link above is to another post I wrote on authority and respect.

I haven’t always parented based on respect, or been clear on what my goals were. It’s taken me 20+ years of parenting to get here and I, by no means, am perfect at this “practise.” I will say that having a goal and a clear focus makes it easier to parent, especially in the “heat of the moment”.

Daily, purposeful practise of the virtue of respect allows it to become second nature for both us and our children. There is no “losing” in being respectful…….only gaining.

Respect for ourselves guides our morals, Respect for others guides our manners.

Laurence Sterne

Who will YOU see?

I cannot be happy enough to see 2017 close it’s doors.

I had thoughts that this year would look so much different. And while this year and its events have kicked my butt…..there were good things about it, I’m pretty sure.

I can’t think of too many at the moment, because of the severe brain fog due to mental exhaustion and stress.

Between the spring and the issues surrounding Jeremy and the High School; between the summer and all the fighting between my boys; between this fall and finding out that my baby has perceived trauma due to being a sibling of autistic brothers, to school refusal, complete out-of-your-senses panic, and therapy……lots of therapy; between helping one child feel safe within his school and with his teachers to advocating that they see the person and his strengths and not get sidelined by the “side effects” of his disability; from moving my babies into their own home; and doing so much more with my own creative endeavours, than I ever thought possible……..it’s been too much.

Many things and many people have been set aside as I try to survive. There is no thought of thriving and I’m eternally grateful for the opportunity to escape into art and creativity……because that small part of my life means that I’m not lost.

I’m not lost to chaos.

I’m not lost to meltdowns.

I’m not lost to advocating.

I’m not lost to lack of knowledge or understanding.

I’m not lost to special needs or trauma.

I’m still me.

But me…….
She…….
I…..
I am exhausted.
I am barely treading water.
I am in a tough space.

I like to say that seasons change and I know they do. I believe that I have more strength than I realize. I believe that I am capable of handling a whole lot……I know this, because I’ve had to.

And yet, I’ve never been more closer to giving up.

I’ve NEVER been this weary.
I’ve never wanted this badly to run away from everything and everyone and never be found again.
My sense of responsibility has been taken to the end of itself.

To. The. End.

Physically, I’m tense, like muscles in knots, headaches and migraine, tense. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I can’t focus. I have to write lists to accomplish anything. And even then, I stare at my list with a blank sense of uncomprehension. I see people doing human things. Regular things, like going for coffee or a walk or popping out to the store to pick something up…..and I can’t even fathom how that’s a possibility for them. It’s Herculean effort to exist.

Do you understand?

Can you even comprehend?

I share because I know I’m not alone. I know there are others out there who feel like this and blindly and stumbling keep putting one foot in front of the other, not knowing how but knowing they have to. Doing everything in their power to reserve the strength that they don’t have while pretending, as best the can, to deceive themselves into carrying on because there is no other choice.

——-

I am walking away.
I’m taking my crazy with me and we are all running away. We will put our toes in the sand. Pray for sleep and regulation. And hope that we can recharge in the sunshine and the water.

——–

But there are many, like me, done. Tired. Exhausted. Worn out.

Look for them.
Find them.
Love on them.
Let them know you see them.
Let them know you love them regardless of their ability to give back.
Let them know in a tangible way, that you see them – that you care.

———–

Some ideas: (in no particular order)

– Take a meal
– Give a Gift Certificate
– Drop off a coffee and donut
– or a bottle of wine
– take a kid out for a treat
– clean a bathroom
– clean out their vehicle
– give flowers
– offer to watch kids
– do a 10 minute tidy
– ask how they are doing, really listen and be okay with a hard reply
– connect and say hi (by text or email) and don’t expect a reply
– send a card to say you’re thinking of them
– learn about what they are dealing with (autism,ABI, ADHD, TBI,
DS, FASD, trauma, divorce, addiction, mental health, cancer, grief, etc)

There are so many ways to connect without putting more pressure on ones who are already tapped so far beyond what’s emotionally possible.

This holiday season, I’d love to challenge you to “see” someone, to hold their challenges with respect and reverence, and to be a support in ways that are meaningful to them.

It may mean being okay with the messiness (emotional, mental, physical and/or spiritual) that often accompanies our lives.

But it will be worth it! I promise!

Just a glimpse….

I’m sitting in my living room, looking wistfully out the window, knowing that I’ve already spent my fair share of time outdoors, today.

I don’t want a sunburn and while I slather up when necessary…..I’ve never really liked the feeling of lotion on my body.  So I opt for some indoor time….at least until I need to pick up the boys from school and then I’ll greet the sun with smiles and a spritz of sunscreen.  Until then, I close my eyes and reminisce of the golden warmth soaking into my soul, revitalizing me.

When I open my eyes, I see evidence that Judah’s been here. 


The dregs of his Honey Nut Cheerios and Almond Milk make me smile.  This boy of mine is such a gift.  He is an incredible living paradox.  Verging on the edge of violence in his stance against injustice…….and yet indiscriminate in his compassion.  Have I told you about the time we took the boys to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 and he cried when Ego was destroyed.  He clasped my hands to his heart and whispered through his tears,  “But WHY? Everyone deserves another chance?”

I don’t ever want him to lose that heart for others.  I will fiercely protect and nurture that empathy, tenderness, and humanity with all my being. He is such a gift to me, to us…..to the world.


I look over to my right and see glorious creativity within the chaos of these walls.  That stack of mail will become “creations” before it hits the recycling bin. I savour the moments when I can sit, drink my coffee and knit a few rows on a dishcloth.  I like small projects because I can finish them in between all the glorious distraction.  More often than not, that coffee grows cold and my knitting is interrupted but it’s ok because these moments don’t last.  

The screams to break up a fight or get a snack for someone……they are becoming fewer.  The yelling because there is no toilet paper on the roll and no one thought to look in the cupboard…….or because someone ate someone else’s ice cream.  It’s still there but I’m less needed than I used to be.  Which is good cause there’s still a whole lot of needy people in the family and I’ll take whatever reprieve I can get.  

Moose – aptly renamed – as he’s not the smartest cat in the world……but he’s exactly what we needed.  He gives his love freely and unabashedly.   He allows for over excitable autistic hugs and purrs louder than I’ve ever heard from a cat.  It’s like audible Valium to soothe our souls from whatever anguish and trauma we may be experiencing.


I need to pick the kids up.  To leave this cocoon of quiet chaos.  I don’t want to.  

A Letter to my Children

photo from 2015 (we definitely need an update)

To my Children,

I love you with all my heart and I only want the very best for you.  This world we live in, now,  is a funny place.  There was positive Peer pressure when I was growing up that I don’t see happening, now. Not that there aren’t good people out there, but it seems like some of the “common sense” life lessons don’t hold the same weight now as they did then.  Those “life lessons” are just as important now, in fact, they may be even more important but they aren’t as prevalent.  I realize that talking like this only widens and exaggerates the age gap between us but I feel that there is a limited time for me to influence and instill  these values within you.  I know that I tell you these things, ALL THE TIME (insert massive eye roll here) but I think these are too important for me to remain quiet.
1.    Work Hard

I don’t care what anyone around you is doing or how hard they are working. Your employer is paying YOU for your time. Give them your best.  Lead by example.  Set the bar high.  You will get noticed and your efforts will never be in vain.  Your best may look differently than that of others around you.  I’m not holding you to someone else’s standards……YOU do YOUR best.  And always be aware of what around you is needing to be done.  Pick up the slack. And if you don’t know…..ASK!  Communication will be your best tool, in ALL ASPECTS of life.

2.    Be Respectful

Let the virtue of Respect emanate from  every cell of your being.  Be respectful in your actions, with your words, to your employers and fellow employees, to customers…..to humanity, in general.  But also be respectful of yourself.  If you respect yourself, others will respect you.

3.    Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is critical.  Work hard and then let it go, when you are done for the day.  It’s not your job to carry the weight of the world.  You are not responsible to do more than you can.  If you work hard, and work smart; be proud of what you’ve accomplished and don’t carry the weight of what you couldn’t do. Take care of yourself, because YOU are responsible for your well being. Setting boundaries is something that needs to be learned and exercised in ALL areas of life.

Get good at setting and enforcing YOUR boundaries.

It’s critical to know what things that you are responsible for and what things you are not responsible for. Take care of the things you are responsible for and learn to be okay with letting the things you are not responsible for, go.  As your Nana says, “Not my pig. Not my Farm.”

4.    Be okay with saying  NO.

It’s okay to say no.  If you work hard, and are respectful…..then setting and honouring your boundaries is ok.  You do not have to accept every shift or help out everytime you are asked.  Do what you can/want/need to do, but also know that too much is not a good thing. Being available is one thing but being “used” is completely different.  Practise saying “No.”  I know that sounds silly, but it’s an important skill to learn.  Unfortunately, too many people haven’t learned to say it, and then end  up burned out and resentful towards others, when it’s their own lack of ability to set and enforce personal boundaries.

5.    Know your Value, Your Worth and Your Principals

Yes, I know you are still figuring your self  out BUT……You do have value.  You do have worth.  and You do have principals.  Knowing who you are and what you stand for will make a huge difference between allowing yourself to get pushed around and being a leader.

  • Know what you want or don’t want
  • Know what you are okay with or not okay with
  • Know whats important  to you and what’s not important to you

These things require actual thought.  If you do not make a decision, you have still made a choice.  Every choice has a consequence.  Its that whole Newton’s Third Law thing……

6.    Weigh Your Choices and Be able to Live with the Consequences

When faced with a decision, look at all sides and determine the likely consequences.  Think through what you are willing to deal with and move forward confidently.  Choices have consequences, some positive and some negative.  You may need to make a decision and have to choose which negative consequence you are willing to live with.  But allowing things to happen and saying its “out of your control” isn’t respectful to yourself or others.  Own your choices and the resulting consequences.  Be Purposeful in your actions and words.

7.    Choose Your Feelings and Emotions Wisely.

You are responsible for YOUR feelings and emotions.  Choose wisely.  To say that someone else “makes you so mad or angry” is giving them the control over your emotions.  Take responsibility for your own feelings and emotions. Don’t allow the “emotional weather” of a place, person or situation dictate your emotional response.   Only you have the power and ability to dictate what you feel and how you choose to respond in any given situation.  Choose to make the best out of every situation and allow others their right to their own feelings and emotions.  Other peoples negativity should not define your life.

8.      Balance

Finding balance is so important.  Family, Friends, School, Self and Work  (Listed in Alphabetical order not in Position of Importance)  are all important.  You must work to find the balance.  It requires effort to do so.  Again, not making the effort to “find balance” is still making a choice……and probably one with negative consequences for yourself and those around you.

9.    Community

Finding your Tribe, Village, Community, or whatever you want to call it, is also important.  These days, we seem to be so caught up in the busy-ness of life.  But it is critical to have people that you can give into and draw from.  We all go through ups and downs, but having the opportunity to give and receive love, support, advice and even challenges, helps us as we navigate this crazy journey.

10.    Rest

I’m mentioning Rest, because it’s something I believe that we need to be intentional about.  Whether its a long bath, a walk along a river, journaling, art, etc……..I believe that it’s critical to disconnect from the busy-ness of the world, to do something that “feeds” your soul; and recharges us, wholly (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually).  Your cell phone wont work without being charged and you won’t either.  It may be possible to limp along for a bit but in the long run (and life is a long run) you have to recharge, you might as well be intentional about it.

My Darlings,

You have been given an incredible gift.  Life is a gift. You have the opportunity to make it incredible or to squander it.  Be Purposeful! Be Present! Don’t stand by, passively, and allow life to carry you along.   Be intentional!  You have an incredible opportunity to create a life that you love and can be proud of, regardless of the ups and downs that life brings your way.  

I promise that I will continue to remind you of these things but know that I see you. I see  the incredible people that you are, and that you are becoming; and I am so very VERY proud of you. You are amazing.  You are incredible .  I am confident that you will grow and impact our world positively, just because of who you are.  Keep on Keeping on, My Loves! 

Momma

Authority & Respect

Things have been a little messy inside my head and in an effort to clear it all out and put it in some semblance of order, I’m gonna start writing to try and make sense of all the thoughts I have.  Most of this will be in regards to how I parent and raise my kids.  Some will deal with Special Needs Kids, some with Anxiety but I find that having to write it out concisely helps me to package up the million thoughts running around in my brain.  Please feel free to ask questions or to share your own thoughts on the matters.  I’d love to dialogue about these issues.

 

It’s often difficult for us, as adults, to make a call and then go back on it. We often view those scenarios as allowing the child to get their way or to dictate the situation.

I’d love to offer a different viewpoint.

Your authority is as strong and irrefutable as you believe it is;
and as you stand in it.
I believe that too often we parent, teach or lead from a viewpoint of fear. Fear that those under us will no longer accept our authority and then we will have to fight twice as hard to get it back, if it’s even possible. That understanding assumes that my authority is fallible.

Now, I don’t have authority everywhere in the world…… But I do have authority over my domain…..and the only way I can lose it, is if I abdicate that authority.

I used to think that if I told my kids something and then changed my mind, that it would undermine my authority and that I would lose all sense of control because they would feel they could do whatever they wanted by whining more and wearing me down.

For example…

They‘ve been whining at me all day and by late afternoon, my instinct is to just say no to everything. Finally one of them asks, can we have popsicle and go outside to play.

I say NO, because it feels like rewarding them for their bad attitudes and actions; and it’s so much effort to get them all ready and to drag all their crap out of the garage. I say no because its my first instinct after a tough morning and I am exhausted from their constant efforts. Even more whining and squabbling ensues…..

I pause and think about it for a moment and decide, The popsicle is liquid that they need (well, maybe not the sugar). The mess will be outside (YAY) and they really need to get outside and burn off some energy. In the end, we will all be happier.

So, I say, go get your shoes and coats on…..they say YAY! and that’s the end of it! They play and come in refreshed and I’ve had a moment to regroup and its all good.

Is my authority undermined because I changed my mind, NOT A CHANCE!
Are my kids going to continue to try to whine at me to get their way? ABSOLUTELY
Are the two connected? MAYBE BUT…….
Have I lost or damaged my position of AUTHORITY? NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST

Most likely, they are going to continue to whine in the future because that’s their immature attempt to gain control over a situation and get a favorable (for them) outcome. Their immaturity has a huge selfish, self-centered component to it. It’s my job to show them other methods and ways, to ask for what they want.

I’m not a fan of whining and will often stop the whining and ask my kids to try asking in a different voice and see how that changes things for them. I don’t get upset that they are whining, but I continue to train and reinforce the acceptable behavior. I tie so many of my parenting ideologies back into real world situations, because that’s what I’m raising these ones to do.

I’m raising my children to be respectable and respectful, contributing members of society.
 

They shouldn’t whine at their boss or teacher. They shouldn’t squabble with their fellow employees or students. I have the privilege of working them through these situations in a safe space and giving them lots of opportunity to practise, so they grow up and it becomes first nature to be respectful.

My entire parenting style is based on respect. I want to be treated respectfully. I will treat you with respect. My desire is to train young children into adults who are respectful of others and who’s very being, draws respect back to them.

I want to model how to react when you are not treated with respect; and to teach that a lack of respect shown towards you does not give you to right to match the level of  disrespect and dish it back.

Knowing who I am and the position of authority I hold,
within my family, is a game changer.
 

Yes it’s possible that someone might challenge my authority or be disrespectful but their words, thought, or actions don’t change the reality of my authority.

….their words, thoughts or actions don’t change the reality….
 

I’ve shared this “nugget” with my kids for years. Just because someone says something to you or about you doesn’t make it true or real; and you get to decide the power that those words have over you.

For Example, if Judah calls Josiah stupid, does that make Josiah stupid????

Nope! Let’s change the word stupid for something ridiculous like a cupcake head……..

If Judah says that Josiah has a cupcake head, does that make it true?? Does he all of the sudden have a cupcake shaped head???

Nope! Here’s another example, if Judah says that Josiah has green eyes, does that change the fact that Josiah’s eyes are brown?

NOPE! So a child yelling at me that I’m not in charge, doesn’t diminish my authority.  It’s most likely an indicator that he or she is feeling out of control, desperately wanting to regain some form of personal control and often needing some help to process some overwhelming feelings and emotions.

Words and/or actions don’t necessarily change the reality, especially when it comes to your authority.

I’m the mom (and therefore I have authority within my family), regardless of whether my kids want to live within the boundaries that I’ve set for them, or not.

If I decide to change my mind about something that I had previously decided, that does not make me weak. In fact, I believe it’s exactly the opposite. There is an incredible strength in openly admitting that you’ve made a decision that needs to change. By doing so, you are modelling to those under your authority that it’s okay to rethink something and come up with a better plan. It shows them what transparency and openness,(especially in a position of authority) looks like. It models that its okay to not be perfect. It shows them that mistakes will happen; and how to own your choices and change them if necessary. It shows them that not everything is black and white; and that sometimes you need to reevaluate for the grey situations.

It’s ever so challenging to bypass the thoughts that whisper……

“They’re gonna think they can run all over you. They are going to think you are
weak and that they can change your mind by whining and wearing you down.”

It takes courage and strength to say to your kids, your students or your employees…….

“Okay, just a moment, I’ve thought this through and I think we are going to do it this other way. Which I know is the opposite of what I just said but this is why it will work better to do it this way……..”

Kids and Teens, especially, can see through people. If you make a call and are sticking to a previous decision even though it doesn’t make sense; and you’re doing it because you fear losing the appearance of control. They can see it. They can sense it. And THAT undermines you more than anything.

Model Humility. Model Imperfection. Model Flexibility.
Model Communication. Model Respect.

The Key to the ability to change is a changeless sense of who you are,
what you are about and what you value. – Stephen R. Covey

Vacation 2014 – Part 4 (The End)

As the end of the first week drew to a close, I was really unsure if I wanted to stay up at the lake for the second week. We’ve always gone up for a good chunk of time and this year I even had my own RV which made things so much better, but for some reason, I just wasn’t “feeling” the love for camping.

Normally, I go up with the kids for the first week and then Jon joins us for the second week, but because this was our inaugural trip with Ethyl I didn’t want to be by myself if something went wonky…..and we weren’t entirely certain that everything would go smoothly. She is an OLD lady after all and has lots of quirks.

Fortunately everything went amazingly and after a HUGE amount of hmmmmm’ing and haaaaaw’ing I decided to stay up for a bit longer.

My brother and sister in law had come up for the weekend and it was SO good to spend some time with them. It doesn’t happen enough. We are busy and they are busy and sometimes its just tough to make it all work….

As they were packing up to leave, friends of ours pulled in which was so nice. As it meant that I wouldn’t be alone.

This couple has two boys and they are just the sweetest boys ever. Their oldest son has some special needs and it was refreshing to be able to spend time with other parents who have children with special needs and to know that you are not alone in this journey of raising these unique and amazing kids. It doesn’t matter that the needs that make our kids special, are not the same…..its just nice to know that someone else gets it….that they “get” that even though you love your children desperately….that sometimes it’s tough or difficult and you may not feel that you have the energy to give to them, but that energy is required whether you have it or not, and you end up continuously running on a deficit……

I realize that most parents may feel like that from time to time and I – in no way – am discounting how tough (and yet rewarding) parenting is. But, parenting a special needs child is unique and comes with a different set of challenges……and rewards.

I sat and talked with the father a bit one day. We ended up talking about the grieving that you experience over and over again as you watch younger siblings surpass milestones and activities that your your older child hasn’t yet, if they ever will, accomplish. It’s not easy…..physically, mentally or emotionally.

There were so many fun moments, and Judah mentioned to me that his two favorite things from this summer were the walks and adventures he went on with his dad; and the walks and adventures he went on with Zac’s dad.

One night after my boys had gone to sleep, Zac and his momma caught this HUGE frog. The kids always catch little 1-2 inch sized frogs. They are all over the place, but one night….this big ol’ guy was just hopping around waiting for Zac to catch him…..the boys were THRILLED the next morning when they woke up and saw what a mighty hunter Zac was.

We were also able to capture an animal a few times, but it was completely unintentional….there are a million of these little deer mice running around, especially after dark and we woke up a few mornings to a mouse or two that had climbed into a bucket – I’m assuming they were scrounging for food – and then the bucket was too deep and they couldn’t get back out.

Jon came up on the Wednesday, after work, and picked us up. For the first time that I can remember – I was actually happy to be leaving the lake and heading home. I really enjoyed our time this year. I do, every year that we go, but this year was different…..not bad different…..just different.

I’ll leave you with another series of shots of my sweet Siah…..

I told him to smile.

Then I laughed at him and told him to give me a REAL smile…..

I almost peed myself laughing after the second shot…..but asked him to try one last time…..

And DING! DING! DING! we have a winner….what a cutie.

Vacation 2014 – Part 3

Ok, so life got busy and I didn’t end up finishing posting about our vacation.

I’m sure that some of you feel like you’ve just been left hanging……..HA!!!!

Ok, maybe not so much, but……continuing on….

It’s amazing how quickly the busy-ness and chaos seems to seep back into every facet of your life, once you leave the “vacation” and head back into reality. I guess that’s the beauty of vacation or holiday time….it’s a moment to relax, settle, absorb……just breathe.


There were lots of those moments, in between the bustle of life with 6/7 people. No family vacation is really a vacation for the parents…..it’s more of a break. Once I realized and accepted that, I’ve been a lot more content on our “holiday’s”.

Jon took the kids on a number of walks and this sweet boy here…..

He brought me back something from almost every walk. He is such a thoughtful little soul.

This time he brought me back some lovely flower puff things…..I have no idea what they were and they were almost dried, but I put them in a beer bottle vase and he was so thrilled to see his gift treasured.

After the first 3 days of sheer panic, this lovely fellow settled down (as long as there were no other dogs walking past) into the camping lifestyle and was almost a gentleman….almost!!!!


He has such sad eyes.

There was SO. MUCH. SWIMMING…. and Judah even sucked up his courage enough to jump off the dock TWICE!!!!

Jeremy was determined to get this rubbermaid bin to work as a boat and although it took a fair amount of figuring to work out the ballast and balance…he finally managed to tool around a little, until it dipped a little too much at one corner and then filled up and sank….

Sometime, this little one just slays me with his nerdliness…..he is such a sweet quirky treasure.

I have no idea what he was trying to show me in this picture.

Here is where you get the best peek of my little darling….ear folded over and all…and he wasn’t swimming….just wearing the goggles because he wanted to.

Oh I love him, so!

The Skagit Valley is a beautiful place with so many interesting things to look at and experience. It feels like our own little corner of heaven on earth. These puff ball mushrooms were just growing in the campsite, but it wasn’t till we got home and I could google them that I found out they were edible and not poisonous. They were just so cute, all nestled into the ground.

Read about Part 1 of our vacation here.

Read about Part 2 of our vacation here.

Part 4 coming….