Tag: childhood trauma

It takes Courage

Waiting is not an easy thing.

Have you ever had a situation where you wished that time would speed up? I think we’ve all probably had situations of anticipation where you wished that time would hurry up already. It’s hard to wait when you’re hoping and praying and waiting for something.

I remember when I was pregnant. My pregnancies were not delightful. I was SO sick. I was so tired. It was uncomfortable and frankly, miserable. But…..I believed there was a beautiful ending and beginning. I hoped there was a beautiful ending and beginning and so, I waited.

I waited miserable, sick and exhausted. I tried to find the beautiful moments – like feeling the baby move inside me. It’s one of my most favourite moments in life. But mostly I just waited miserable, sick and exhausted. I was biding my time waiting for the end of my misery and the beginning of wonder.

I’m in another one of those times in life. I’m not pregnant. Not a chance. I’m way too old for those shenanigans. But I’m in a season that sometimes feels confusing and challenging. It’s a shifting season, a growth season, a rediscovery season and it’s frustrating.

In my devotions today, I said, “God I need something. I need a sign or a message or something to encourage me.”

And then I read Psalms 27:14. (NLT)

Green watercolor eucalyptus border along the bottom of the image with the words Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. Psalms 27:14 overlayed on top of the image

Seriously! Wait. Wait??? Just wait.

But the words that really stood out to me were those words in the middle of the verse. Be brave and courageous. In another translation it says “Be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart.”

As I thought about those words today, it stuck with me that it takes courage to trust and wait. It takes strength of heart, determination and confidence to patiently wait when you don’t want to, when you feel impatient; especially, when you just want to rush in and make things happen.

And so, I wait. Hopefully with this reminder, I’ll be a little more patient and I’ll have a little more grace for myself and others. But I can also recognize that I am brave. I am strong. I am courageous. There is strength in waiting patiently and confidently. And so I wait.

Oh Disappointment.

I had an experience today where I felt misunderstood and I received (To be clear, it was never said that I was a disappointment. I would hazard a guess that I heard it through my own hurts and trauma) the message that I was a disappointment.

Oh my! Did that ever trigger me. I can feel myself spiralling downward and I don’t know how to stop it. Okay, let’s process this.

I can remember as a child, feeling like I’d disappointed people and it feeling devastating because I was trying my hardest to be good, to do good. The message I received was that “my good” wasn’t enough. That’s got to be so hard for a little one who is looking for worth and validation from those who love them.

How can that be? What would lead me to accept and believe that I’m not good enough? Did I feel rejected? Did I feel a relational separation or distance when disappointment was expressed?

That’s definitely another huge issue for me. I’m desperate to feel connected and accepted in relationship. Is that wrong? I don’t think it is. Isn’t that what we were created for? To be in relationship. If so, then a separation or distance would feel intolerable.

I wonder if, when I was a child, disappointment and relational distance was used in an effort to affect behaviour? I don’t believe it was done maliciously but I also don’t see how that is not traumatic regardless of intention. I can think of several instances where both disappointment and relational separation were used, at home, school and church. At that point, that was my whole life.

So how do I deal with this.

Well it sucks. It’s brutal to receive a message that indicates that you’re a disappointment and that the comfort and love that you crave and need in relational safety will be withheld if you displease someone.

When I think about the little parts of me. The small child that I was, my heart breaks for her. No child should feel like they are a disappointment. No child should receive the message that they aren’t good enough and no child should be left to figure out relationship on their own.

I can’t fathom doing that to my kids. There are times when I’ve been disappointed in their actions and I’ve tried so desperately hard to pull them close and indicate that I love them even if I didn’t particularly like a choice or action they made in the moment. I’ve tried to make it abundantly clear that they aren’t defined by any one action and that my love for them never changes. I communicate that I see the good in them and I speak it out over them. I want them to hear and know and believe that they are the incredible people that I see them as.

So how do I do this for myself.

Well, I guess a start could be reminding myself of all the good that I do see in me. I can speak out over myself that I am a good person. I am loving and kind, considerate, thoughtful, and encouraging. I want to do my best and to be my best.

And, I guess it’s possible that my best might not always be appreciated or accepted or even good enough for others. While I might wish that I was always appreciated and accepted and seen as good enough, the mature adult parts of me can recognize that’s not really realistic or even really necessary.

Oh but to the small parts of me it sure feels necessary, sometimes. Those wounded parts want to feel loved and safe and connected.

So, I will tend to those parts of me. I will be gentle with myself and compassionate towards myself and show love to myself. I will act towards myself in ways that foster relationship and connection, especially with the small parts of me who struggle to believe. Because I am good enough and I am worthy of love and connection. Even when I struggle to believe and assimilate it, it’s still true. I will look for those who are gentle and compassionate and loving towards me and I will notice and be so thankful for every interaction that affirms the truth.

I am a blessing. I am loved. I am cared for. I am safe. I am good.

Getting Started

Someone recently shared a photo with a book that I was intrigued by.

I love writing and I’m tired of feeling burnt out. This book “Journal Therapy for Overcoming Burnout” hits both of those issues and so I went onto Amazon and purchased it. I opened it up, sighed and put it on my bedside table; where I’ve looked at it every day for almost 2 weeks but done nothing with it.

Why would I be needing a burnout journal? Isn’t everyone kind of a little stressed? It’s been a hell of a past couple of years with the pandemic , no? When you add in all the previous life adventures that we’ve been through, it’s a wonder I haven’t crashed and burned long before now.

Well, honestly, I did

In fact last summer, I crashed and burned in the most spectacular way. By spectacular, I mean devastating. I kept going trying to “take care” of everything and everyone except myself, until I couldn’t any longer.

It’s been a tough year, as I navigate the fallout from the crash and attempt to “do life” in a way that is honouring to both me and those I love.

I want to be the very best version of me that I can be. I believe that I am kind and considerate, compassionate, caring, understanding, respectful, loving, encouraging and many other wonderful descriptive words.

My own childhood traumas and triggers have me doubting whether anyone else sees me the way I do and if for some reason they don’t see the good in me, am I delusional? Am I actually a bad person? I can’t fathom that and yet, those little parts of me seek approval and can’t quite believe that they are good enough to be loved and accepted. It sucks.

Sometimes…..most of the time, I want to dive head first into pursuit of emotional healing and other times the insecure parts of me feel overwhelmed and fearful that there is just going to be more pain and hurt. I feel like I’ve experienced at least “a world of hurt” and probably deserve a short break from it.

I don’t think that’s how life works though and I’m more than willing to put in the work necessary because I want my best life and I’m responsible for creating it.

So, I sat down for 5 minutes this morning. Read through day 1 and wrote for 3 minutes. It wasn’t nearly as hard or difficult as I had made it out to be.

Sometimes, we just need to get started. Even if we do it scared. Especially when we know we will benefit.

Is there something you’ve been putting off that you know will benefit you? Is there a small first step that you can take? Sometimes, I find that “putting it out there” helps to hold you accountable or gives you that “kick in the butt” to get going.