It’s Friday morning and I’m sitting in the school office. I haven’t been here in a while which is something that I’m SO thankful for.
Last year, I spent the majority of the year in the school and a huge portion of it, sitting in the office.
Judah has had a tough time with separation anxiety. It started in Kindergarten. Grade 1 was harder and Grade 2 was even worse. We’ve done lots of counselling and emotional “work” and this year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs.
One thing that I’m SO very thankful for is that there have been more ups than downs this year.
I get discouraged because this has been such a long process, and if I’m being honest, I just want things to be normal……whatever that is.
But, things are getting better and this is the first time that I’ve sat here in the office, in a long time.
We’re all tired and ready for Spring Break and the down time.
But today, I’m SO thankful for the forward progress that we’ve made this school year.
I’m tired and not really feeling the whole gratitude thing this morning. I do have a million things I could be thankful for but today’s lucky winner is Eric.
Meet Eric! He’s my treadmill.
Okay, it’s actually an Epic View 550 treadmill but I do a lot of pondering and musing while walking and one day I was laughing to myself (Do you do this……laugh at your own jokes because you are just SO hilarious…..or is that just me?) because I had a date with my trainer Eric…….so I found a piece of chalk and changed it from Epic to Eric. Now I walk/run with Eric.
I know. You’re probably shaking your head or laughing at me and that’s okay. Cause I laugh at me, too!
This treadmill, though, it was a great investment…..because even when I can’t leave the kids…..I can still walk or run. I could use it more regularly but I’m trying, it’s available and convenient. So it’s a win, in my books!
So today, I’m thankful for Eric and now I’m going to go for a walk.
“A quiet mind is able to hear intuition over fear.” Yvan Byeajee
Our house is often loud and chaotic, so when I have moments of quiet, I appreciate them all the more.
Even when it’s messy and my kids snacked on chips for breakfast and then left their mess sitting on the floor in the living room, I’m so very thankful for the quiet.
It feels like my life mirrors itself, internally and externally. Often, it’s chaotic inside my brain, with thoughts swirling and whirling. I have big dreams and plans and I’m often mulling over how I can possibly accomplish them, or anxiety runs rampant and I’m trying to reign it all in; but when everything settles and it’s quiet……I can just be.
I’ve been struggling recently. Not with being thankful, as that’s a pretty good habit of mine. I’ve been stress eating or just eating garbage or eating my feelings……..regardless of what I want to call it, I feel like I’m out of control.
art by me ~2018
I feel like I’m trapped in a downward spiral of food and I hate it hatred.
That’s an interesting word swap.
I initially said to myself that “I hate it” but I’m wondering if “hatred” is closer to the truth.
It definitely resonates truer, inside of myself.
Except, I don’t hate myself. At least, I don’t think I do.
Do I hate my body? I‘m disgusted by it.
Can I love something that I’m disgusted by? That’s a good question.
Why do I feel disgusted by it?
And, if I’m disgusted by it, but it houses me, it’s a part of me….then am I disgusted with me?
And then we’re back to the hatred.
Interesting……..
I desperately want to make peace with myself. I want to stop fighting against anxiety, and my body, and my mind. I want to accept all these flawed pieces of myself as one incredible whole. I want to stop trying to disconnect myself from the parts of me that I feel are unworthy of acceptance and love.
Somehow, I feel this goes back to perfectionism. And yet, factually, I know that’s an unattainable goal. I’ve somehow believed that I need to be perfect to be loved and accepted and that the parts of me,that aren’t perfect, are bad.
I just want to “be” me. I want to love me, all of the parts of me.
Like, my family, is a whole. Made up of different personalities and “pieces”. None of those pieces are less than or bad. They are just different and each adds their own beauty and uniqueness to the world. Some of them struggle more than other and there are challenges but I don’t consider any of them bad, or less than perfect, or disgusting. Each is just a beautiful part of the whole.
So, how do I get there with myself. How do I recognize and see and love all the pieces of myself as valuable and intrinsic to the whole?
That is a good question and one that I don’t have a clear answer to, at this exact moment; but I believe that I’ll get there.
Today, I’m thankful for the opportunity to grow and heal. I’m thankful for self-reflection. I’m so incredibly thankful for counseling and therapy. I’m thankful for the freedom that comes when you turn towards the things that scare you and you realize that it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m thankful to be on a journey towards wholeness. I’m thankful for every step on this journey…..even the hard ones.
“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.” William Arthur Ward
It’s amazing how a daily practice of Gratitude can change your life. Don’t believe me……try it.
I woke up this morning, tired and feeling grouchy. I probably could have stewed in my misery but I asked myself, “What do I have to be thankful for?”
Believe me, it’s not like angels sang and the heaven’s opened up, and a light shone down and my life was transformed. My first thought was……
Man, I am gonna be so thankful when I drop these kids off at school.
HA!
Yup, thankful for alone time……to really bask in my tiredness and misery.
We were going to be late this morning, I didn’t even really let it phase me. I just embraced the moment. Get ready, without a freak out, without tears. We are going to be late. So let’s eat breakfast, get dressed and get this show on the road.
And we did. And as the morning went on, all these little thoughts kept coming to me.
I’m so thankful to be alive even if I’m tired.
I’m thankful that my kids are going to school, even if just for a half day (Jude is dealing with some school/seperation anxiety and is only doing a few hours, at the moment)
I’m thankful for a home, even if it a mess.
I’m thankful for a vehicle so we don’t have to walk.
I’m SO thankful for Daylight Saving Time because we get more evening sun. (don’t hate. I LOVE it)
I’m so thankful for coffee, this morning.
I’m even thankful that we are supposed to get snow tonight because it’s bright and white and not dreary rain.
All these Thankful, Positive thoughts snowballed as I got the kids ready and drove to school and dropped them off. It’s like the Gratitude gained momentum and the misery just shrunk until I could no longer feel it wrapped about me like a scarf.
I’m still tired. My reality is still the same, but my focus has shifted and that shift brings such an amazing awareness of the good things in life. Today will be a good day. Because I choose it be.
Today I am thankful for dry shampoo, my hair waver and hairspray.
There are days where you really should just wash your hair, but you don’t want to…….well, at least, for me there are. These 3 things are my life saver on those days.
I’m thankful for days where I can stay in bed, while the house is still peaceful, slowly drink my coffee and surf the internet; all while the sunlight streams in my window.
Today I have 2 things I’m grateful for; but they’re related so I’m counting it as one.
I’m super thankful for kids who like to bake. It means that we have lots of baking around. Siah has been watching “Nailed it” and has even tried his hand at a layered cake. He definitely “Nailed it!”
Another thing that I am SUPER GRATEFUL for is my cookie scoop.
Do you have one?
They are AMAZING! No more rolling balls with hands or messing with two spoons…..just scoop and drop. Baking is so quick and easy with the cookie scoop. If you don’t have one, get one! You will thank me.
So excited to get this notebook. Ordered off amazon and it arrived today! Woot! Now to fill it with amazing things! #xangellecreations #makingthings #creatingbeauty
Posted by Intagrate Lite
I love the way they can be used to create and build. There is power and beauty in the use of words. It’s an incredible thing to be able to paint pictures with words; and to use them to create and express thoughts and feelings.
I WILL see the Light She whispers forcefully As darkness closes in
I will HOLD the Light She declares fiercely As darkness tries again
I will BE THE LIGHT She screams defiantly And darkness WILL NOT win because
