I am Winning! Day 26 – Tuesday March 11

I’m sitting at my kitchen table, a million lego pieces on the floor around me thanks to 2 little boys who eat, sleep and breathe lego.

I have so many thoughts swarming around my head. I feel like I’m trying to herd a cloud of flies. I can’t seem to grasp one or get them to neatly line up so I can process through them. I’m not sure if I’m subconsciously avoiding dealing with “them” or if I just get so few opportunities to sit and think……..and now there are just too many……

I mentioned that I have a Dr’s appt on Thursday. It’s the yearly appointment of joy and fun, if you are a woman. And, it just happens to work out that it will be 4 weeks/28 days since I started this journey. So, I will get up on Thursday and take my measurements. I’m unsure whether I want to step on my scale at home or just do it at the Dr’s office.

I mentioned that I’m scared of the number.

It’s true! And so incredibly stupid.

It’s been so freeing not knowing the number. And yet, I still mull it over and over in my head, way more often than I’d like. My thoughts go something like this……

If I’ve lost 10 pounds, that’s awesome.

Yah, but your eating has been impecable…..surely you’ve lost more than 10 pounds.

But you’ve seen yourself in the mirror….you’ve got a LONG way to go.

But you’re doing SO good.

Yah, but it’s not fast enough and you are running like crazy.

I know but I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to set myself up for a blow.

Is it a disappointment if you’ve lost weight and gotten stronger?

No, but what if I’ve not lost hardly any weight because I gained muscle?

I don’t want to be over 200 pounds. I hate that number.

And on and on and on……..

None of that is positive. It’s not helping me.

I know that I’m fitting in clothes differently. I feel better. I can actually see my cheekbones. I feel less exhausted and crazy(anxiety is less….sort of, I guess). I’m sleeping better. I’m accomplishing more (I think). And yet, I’m still on this stupid merry-go-round.

There is less of it. So, I guess that’s a positive.

I’ve probably upped my distance in running/walking too fast. The difference is…..I feel so much better when I’m exercising. I seem to hit the “high” after 35 minutes. And it feels SO GOOD!

BUT……my knees are tired and one is a little swollen. It’s funny because it doesn’t really hurt, but it feels……weak? Maybe that’s the best word for it. So, I’m going to back off a little because I don’t want to actually damage it. But as soon as I think about backing off…I start to feel a little panicky because I don’t want to gain weight back and I don’t want to feel anxious again.

Ha! Again with the “having anxiety” about having anxiety.

At least I can recognize this and laugh at myself. Even though it’s no laughing matter. Anxiety sucks. If you’ve never really dealt with it on a constant day to day basis….count yourself blessed. It’s as wearing as long term physical pain. It’s soul crushing.

I don’t want to think like this. I don’t want to be like this. And yet, even in my weakness, there is a positive side. I’d like to think that I have a certain amount of understanding and compassion for others who may be experiencing anxiety or other mental health issues. If you haven’t really experienced long term anxiety, it can be difficult to really comprehend.

My least favorite “helpful” suggestion is, “Just stop thinking like that!”

I wish I could.

I’m not sure if it has to do with a crazy imagination or what, but just recently I was standing in the shower and my mind flashed to a picture of me slipping, hitting my head on the temperature dial, splitting my head open and dying. In one second, I went from doing a mundane task of getting clean, to a flash of panic.

I don’t want to die. I’m actually quite satisfied with where I am at right now. I don’t want to think thoughts like this. That thought or picture flashed through my head, followed by a wave of anxiety and my immediate next thoughts were, That’s the anxiety. Why does my brain do this? I don’t want to see that picture. I don’t want to feel this anxiety. The panic that washes over you in an instant, like water flowing from the shower.

I didn’t ask to feel that. I don’t want to feel that. Even though I can recognize that it’s “anxiety”, that doesn’t mean that I can just dismiss the whole experience. I’m left exhausted by the surge of panic. Even if it was only for a moment. Even if I know it’s not real, and that there is little to no chance of “that” actually happening……the experience is still wearing. I want it to just stop. If I never had a thought like that again…..I would be thrilled.

But I can use my experiences to understand and show compassion and to teach….so that when my son comes to me asking if the mark on his face could possibly be cancer. Even though, his next comment is that he knows it most likely isn’t and that its probably just the anxiety speaking…..

I can know that I’m helping him to differentiate between the anxiety and reality. I can also understand that he’s emotionally exhausted and has little reserves to “hold himself together”. I can “get” that he’s not wanting to feel or think like this.

It makes this whole situation a little easier to deal with.

But believe me….if I could just stop this…..I would.

If you don’t deal with anxiety, maybe the next time someone shares an anxious moment with you….instead of encouraging them to “just stop it”, you could just listen……and say something encouraging like, “That’s tough. It’s got to be hard fighting against that or feeling like that.” It’s amazing how encouraging validation is. It’s not saying that being anxious or stressed is okay. It’s just acknowledging that the person is experiencing stress on the mind and body; and that they are fighting against it. It’s incredible to hear someone say, “Keep going! I’m standing here with you, beside you. Even if I’m unsure what to do….I’m here!”

If you do deal with anxiety, keep fighting. Every day is a fight. Every day you fight….you are winning!

You are winning!

I am winning!

Whatever happened to that other dog?

I’ve had more than a few people ask about Koda, our “rottweiller” puppy.

Rather than answer every one individually, I thought I’d just type out a post……it’s way easier than trying to tell the story over and over…..

Long story short, Koda is with a loving family out in Abbotsford.

We got her as a puppy. We bought from backyard breeders…..cause we had no clue!

We took her to puppy training and worked our butts off to do the absolute best that we could for her.

We loved her.

She is probably a Shiba Inu instead of a Rottweiller. Who knows if she has any rottweiller in her at all? Except for her coloring, she looks and acts so much like a Shiba Inu.

She is a CRAZY SMART dog. She picks up tricks like no body’s business.

And………..I don’t think that our house was the best place for her. She was insanely high strung and stressed out at our place. And, with 5 kids and a handful of those being special needs kids….it’s understandable. We are not the calmest or easiest family to be a part of.

I found it extremely difficult to give her what she needed and to be honest, I don’t think we had “it” to give to her. I don’t think we could give her a calm, peaceful life.

She ended up barking for hours on end, and seeing as I am the one who is at home all day….it really wore me down.

We met Zeus in December and fell in love with his easy going behaviour. When we had originally planned on getting a dog, we were thinking BIG and Koda most definitely was not big. She also had the most amazing persistence of any dog that I’ve ever come in contact with…….and I don’t necessarily mean that in a good way.

The final straw for me, was when we had a OT come to our house to asses Jeremy and no matter what I did – from moving her inside or outside, or to her X-pen or down to her crate. Introducing her to the OT – who considerately gave her a head scratch – or spraying her in the butt with a bit of water to distract her, to giving her a Kong with treats………she barked non-stop for an hour and a half, in her shrill high pitched bark….by the time the OT left….I was SO stressed out and absolutely drained.

I took two ativan and trecked to boys off to the LEGO Movie and sat absolutely zoned out for the hour and a half that the movie played.

A friend of a friend had been looking for a running dog, and Koda most definitely could run. The house is a much calmer place than we could ever offer her and from what we hear, she is doing well.

We feel so conflicted about this whole situation. We’ve had Koda since she was a tiny, tiny puppy. She was SO little and sick when we got her. We are all she knew. She is a sweet dog. I just don’t know if we were the right family for her. From what we’ve heard, the anxiety that she displayed at our house…..is a thing of the past. She stayed with friends of ours before heading off to this family and they said that she didn’t bark, she didn’t seemed stressed. Even that makes me feel bad, because……..how much of her “anxiety” had to do with the chaos in our house?

On one hand, I feel guilty because we “got rid” of her and yet….if we were contributing to her anxiety, then that was not “kind” either. We can’t change the dynamics of our family and it’s got to be better to have her in an environment where she is not always stressed, right? Still, the guilt is a kick in the gut……..

Zeus is not perfect. He’s got his own set of flaws and issues, but he is so relaxed and laid back….he fits into the chaos and it doesn’t seem to affect him the same way it affected Koda.

We signed the adoption papers yesterday and Zeus is officially ours.

And of course, I wake up to this……

Stupid Dog……….