I’m not one to get all caught up in the “Why’s” of life. Even when Nathaniel died, I hurt and I cried and I felt so sad and empty, but I did not get caught up in questioning “Why this happened?” or even “Why did this happen to me or to us?”
I’m more likely to just “feel” the moment whether that’s with joy or with pain and to continue to put one foot in front of the other. It’s carried me through some pretty dark times and helped me to keep living life.
I will admit that I had a hard time seeing the “positive” show up on the pregnancy test and the feelings and emotions that washed over me after that. It was probably the closest to a “WHY ME?” that I’ve ever gotten.
I am regular…..like you could set your clock by me regular. I cycled every 35 days before I lost Nathaniel. The years during all the losses were a bit crazy, but then I had so many hormones swirling and whirling around inside of me that at that point NOTHING was regular. About 3 months before I had Siah, I went to the Naturopath and it felt to me like my body hit a huge RESET button and I started to cycle at 28 days.
When things resumed, after Siah came along, I was right back on track within a few months.
I expected to start on a certain day and when I hadn’t started by the day’s end…..I took a test. There was no reason why I should have expected to be pregnant. There was no unsafe activity (If ya know what I mean) during any scary, dangerous or critical times of the month and so I was basically just flushing money down the toilet. It was – OF COURSE – a very blatant negative!
Alrighty!!!! So, I expected that things would start by the morning and went to bed.
So 4 days went by and NOTHING. In fact, if I were completely honest with myself….I really didn’t feel like I was about the start my period but then I really didn’t feel pregnant either. I took another test the next morning and again…..NEGATIVE. Like, it couldn’t get any more negative. Not even a hint of a line, even if I held it up to the light or to the window and squinted funny while looking out of the corner of my eyes. (Hey! I’ve peed on a lot of sticks over the past 5 years – I am a professional! Trust me!)
So, I figured that I must have nursed Siah a bit more over the past few weeks and maybe possibly the nursing had messed me up hormonally and I was having a wonky cycle. I was still nursing Siah at this point. I waited for over a week and decided that I was going to take one more test – which of course was going to be negative – and then I’d just wait it out.
I peed on the stick, set it on the counter beside me and clicked through on my blackberry to Twitter to kill some time.
After a few minutes, I glanced at the pregnancy test and then did a double take……was that a line? Are you kidding me? It’s not very dark?!? Is it really a line? It can’t be? It’s not possible?!? What? Nooooooo! NO WAY!
And then I cried…………(to be continued)
Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhh! No more cliffhangers!