The Math Of It All

Yes, I cried.

And being totally and completely honest…..these were not happy tears, but rather tears of confusion. They were tears that held a whole lot of questions within them.

Jon had come upstairs at this point and when I showed him the test……well, to say that we were both in a state of shock is putting it mildly.

And then I started counting!

I was 13 days late starting and had just gotten a faint positive. Counting backwards – this puts conception sometime around when I was actually due to start….which coincides with ONE “incident” where we assumed that we were safe.

I understand that all it takes in one time, but the thing that really baffled me was that I was 2 weeks off my normal schedule. That – THAT – is very strange. I do realize that unless you take the necessary precautions that things like this can happen, but here is a little history on me……

14.5 years of marriage and NEVER ONCE have I gotten pregnant without “ACTIVELY TRYING” and I have never gotten pregnant the first month that we tried. With Geli we tried for 9 months before I got pregnant. Xani was 2 months of trying. Jermey was 4 months. Nathaniel was 2. I have no idea about all the losses, but it never happened the first month and Siah was about 3-4 months…….

So, this business of getting pregnant is not something that has come terribly easy for us and now SHAZAM! Here we are with a pregnancy that we did not plan for.

And, in all honesty – I was quite shaken by the whole 5 kids thing.

I already have 4 kids and loads of people that we meet are already shocked by how big our family is….and now……..AND NOW WE ARE PREGNANT WITH NUMBER 5.

Now, that being said, I am the oldest of 5 kids. My mother’s family had 5 kids. My father’s family had 4 kids. So the concept of a large family is not foreign to me, but……well…….it’s just a lot of kids.

We had been talking for the past year about the possibility of having another child. Jeremy and Josiah have a 7 year age difference between them and as much as Siah has older siblings, in some ways it’s been like he’s an only child.

But, our conversations regarding another child always went something like this…

ME: I think that we could totally handle another kid. Seriously, what’s one more.

JON: Are you kidding me? I am so tired and this baby that we currently have NEVER SLEEPS. NO WAY!

ME: Yah, you’re right, I’m really tired too. But wouldn’t it be nice for Siah to have a sibling close in age?

JON: NO! It’s not happening. We already have 4 and that’s enough.

ME: Yah, you’re totally right – but I still think that we could do it.

That was about a third of the time…….Another conversation that we had on a fairly regular basis went like this…

JON: Siah would be so cute with a little brother or sister

ME: Are you insane? Maybe you should sleep in the TV room tonight. It’s not happening.

JON: Seriously, I’ve been thinking about it and I think that we could make it work…

ME: That’s just the crazy talking and the fact that we’ve not slept through the night in over 2 years…..NO!

JON: Come on! It would be fun to see Siah and a brother or sister grow up together….

ME: NOT ON YOUR LIFE, BABY! AIN’T HAPPENING!

JON: I guess you’re right, but I still think that it could be a good idea.

The other third of the conversation went something along the lines of….

HA HA HA HA HA! We’re never having anymore kids. These 4 we already have are WAY TOO MUCH WORK!

YAH! I TOTALLY GET WHAT YOU’RE SAYING! WE HAVE SO MANY KIDS.

MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD PUT THEM ALL TO BED NOW….IT’S PAST 10PM.

SURE! GO FOR IT. I’M TOO TIRED!

MAYBE, THEY’LL JUST FALL ASLEEP WHERE EVER THEY’RE AT AND WE WON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

I DOUBT IT.

YAH! YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT I CAN HOPE, CAN’T I?

Yah, We’re yelling to hear ourselves over the chaos…….It’s that awesome over here, and those lines are interchangeable. Either one of us could be on either end of that conversation.

So yah, We’ve been slammed with a HUGE assault of conflicting emotions and have really been working on processing through them.

To say that it’s not been easy is an understatement.

I can say with all certainty, that I am so happy to be welcoming this baby into our lives and into our family. I am so looking forward to meeting this little one and pouring every ounce of love and care that I have into this sweet baby.

I feel like we’ve been given a gift and although it’s not something that we, on our own, had planned to appreciate and invest in and love…..now that this gift is ours…..we are waiting in joyful anticipation for the day when we get to fully embrace all the love and joy and laughter that this gift will bring with it.

But there are sometimes that the fear of past hurts and previous losses overshadows the joy and makes even breathing seem unbearable. The waiting, waiting, waiting is…well….it’s brutal.

There is the anticipation that the other shoe is about the drop or the axe is about to fall and that is such a hard place to be in. There is also the anticipation on Christmas Eve as you wait for morning to come, knowing that something great is about to happen and even though you don’t know what you’re getting, you still know that it’s going to be an awesome time. If only I could live in that anticipation for the nine months of pregnancy…..wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Wouldn’t it be, though? Nine months is a very long time.