Category: Family

Hawk Eye

Hawk Eye….this is a look that my father has perfected. My second child, Xandra has also perfected this look and I can usually pull a mean “Hawk Eye” from time to time as is necessary.

However, today, right now….as in this moment…. my Dad is being wheeled into surgery.

He is having a cornea transplant.

If you would, could you pray?

While this is not an emergent surgery, we’ve really had enough surgeries and hospital visits over the past few years, and we’d love for this surgery to go as absolutely smooth as possible with amazing healing after it’s all over.

Thanks so much for your support and love.

Loss at a Price…it’s not worth it!

Alrighty, so right off the bat….I stepped on the scale this morning and I weighed 194.2 lbs.

But, I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.

I ache all over and my tonsils feel like they are too big for my throat and swallowing hurts and my head hurts….and well….It’s not awesome.

I’d post a picture for you, but seeing as I desperately need a shower and my hair is greasy and stringy and all over the place and I’m in my pyjamas and feel really nasty because Siah peed on me after he climbed into bed with us this morning (Oh yah, THAT was a real treat of a wake up call) Well, the picture just ain’t gonna happen – at least not today.

If I had to choose between the weight loss and feeling this badly or staying the same weight or even gaining weight and not feeling sick…..I’d choose the not feeling sick and gaining weight over this. I really don’t remember the last time I was sick and THIS SUCKS! I’m so glad that we don’t get sick very often.

We have 4 of the 6 of us out with varying forms of “not feeling well”…..Jeremy is coughing like he’s practicing as if it’s an Olympic event. Siah has the LONGEST snot trails that I’ve ever seen….and Xandra – well, she feels like me. Jon and Geli are unscathed, and unless something miraculous happens, I’m not seeing us returning back to normal life anytime soon.

I’m hoping for the miracle.

A Little Planning Will Get You a LOOOOOOOONG Way!

I made a meal plan last week and it was a HUGE help.

We have done it before and while it didn’t seem as helpful as it seems right now….it was still a good guideline and we used it “loosely” about 50% of the time…..

But for whatever reason, it is really “clicking” right now. It must be one of those “right time, right place” things.

I am really trying to watch what I’m eating AND I’m also trying to be really aware of our spending AND we have noticed that we were spending WAY too much on “eat out” food recently.

We have been so busy and I feel like I was just trying to survive the summer and we’ve been running around like chickens with our head cut off. Basically we have just been reacting to our situations, and not planning enough things out.

So, with all that in mind, I took the time last week to plan out our meals for last week and it was AMAZING!

We have two days where we are working outside the home and if I plan for easy, quick meals on those two days then it really helps things out. It also helps out that the girls are old enough and accomplished enough to make most any of our meals by themselves. I love that we’ve included them in preparing our meals since they were little and now it is TOTALLY paying off.

Last week, felt so much smoother and less chaotic….it probably helps that we are in a better groove as far as kids going to school and working and at home days with organizing, and cleaning, and….well….I’m just feeling SO much more relaxed about life right now, and really….this is a VERY good thing as it translates into every aspect of our lives.

So, this week didn’t start off exactly as I planned it, as Jeremy was home from school yesterday and it threw my day off slightly.

But, I did manage to list out my meals for the week and here they are:

Monday: Pork Roast with Veggies and Quinoa
(Broccoli and Cauliflower – Jon did the prep on this meal as I was at my Exercise Class and it was DELICIOUS!)

Tuesday: Roast Chicken & Rice with Veggies
(Kale & Carrots – We work today and so the roast is in the fridge ready to go with the rice and chicken in the roasting pan and the girls will just throw it in the oven at 4pm)

Wednesday: Homemade Soup, Salad, and Bisquits
(Chicken potato soup that I have on hand in the freezer. The girls whip up the salad and make the biscuits from scratch.)

Thursday: Chicken, Veggie Stir Fry with Rice Noodles
(2 Chicken Breasts, zucchini, daikon, peppers, celery, carrots, over rice noodles)

Friday: Tortillas with Beef, Beans, and Fixin’s
(Ground Beef, Beans, Lettuce, Peppers, Goat Cheese, Tofutti Sour Cream, Salsa and Corn Tortilla’s)

Saturday: Homemade Pizza
(Dough From Homemade Sourdough Starter, Chicken, Olives, Peppers, Goat Cheese, Farmer’s Sausage, Pineapple, Tomato Paste)

The MOST Delicious Pizza

Sunday: Lasagna with Salad
(Made last week with leftover spaghetti sauce and frozen – will throw it in before church and time it to be ready when we come home from church with salad prepared as soon as we get home)

I’m expecting that this will be a great week of meals that we will all enjoy. We do sit down as a family and eat together almost every night of the week and we find that it’s a priceless time when we can chat and debrief about our days and talk about future plans and just laugh with and love on each other. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

New Stages of Life

Angelica is 12 years old.

It’s hard to believe that I have a daughter who is almost a teenager. It feels like the time has flown by so fast. It was not so long ago that I held all 7 pounds 14 ounces of her and her fuzzy black hair for the first time and thought, “I’m a mom now?!?” I remember being 12. I remember the difficulty of wanting so badly to be grown up and to fit in with all the adults that I thought were so cool and so mature. (People who were my age – Ha Ha Ha HA!) I also remember still wanting to run and play with the little kids.

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It was a tough age inside my head and also inside my body as I changed and grew so much that year.

I see the same things happening in my daughter and I’m so excited for her…..for us….for what this all means…..I’m just excited.

She is a really great kid and over the last 6 months, she has really grown and matured in so many ways.

We went to Whistler recently and I took WAY TOO MANY pictures while I was there. I dumped them to my computer in the evenings and while going through the pics. I was so shocked and surprised to see her in a new light.

Pre-Teen

She really is growing up…..and fast!

Those are my shoes she’s wearing in that last picture. She still has a few inches before she hits my 5’10”, but I’m pretty sure she’ll make it and surpass me.

This is such an amazing time where we get to learn and grow together – Her, as a young adult and Me, as a mother of a young adult. She gets to stretch her wings and provided that I’ve done a good job of teaching her how to make decisions and the weigh the consequences – I should be prepared to let her stretch those wings from time to time as we move toward a time and place where I’m confident and proud and even encouraging her to be stepping out on her own.

She is a GREAT kid and I know that she’ll be a great Young Adult and then eventually an Adult.

I’m not thinking that this time won’t have it’s challenges. Every phase of life brings it’s own rewards and challenges and this time is no different. But I’m looking forward to this new chapter in our lives.

As I mentioned before, we are trying desperately to teach our kids choices and consequences and that we are always here for them and that our love is unconditional. We want our kids to run TOWARD us if they make a choice that has tough consequences and not to be scared or ashamed or to pull away from us. So far it’s working.

So Grown Up

They know that we love, accept and embrace them even when they make choices that negatively affect them and others. They are really grasping the concept that “they” are making the choices and that they, are in effect “choosing” their consequences. It’s not always fun, but it’s a great step toward taking responsibility for your own actions.

It also is teaching them to think about what the different consequences of the different choices might me. And… they get to weigh in and choose what’s most important to them. We’ve also found that it has severely cut down on the number of fights and disagreements that we have in the house, and that alone is worth the extra effort that this process takes versus the concept of…..”Obey because I said so or else!”

Angelica has her first babysitting job tomorrow night and she is SO excited. I’m excited for her, too. Even though it’s just 2 doors down from us in our complex, I would have never let her babysit 6 months ago. She’s come a long way in a short time and I know that she’ll do a fabulous job.

I’m so proud of the woman she’s becoming.

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Layin’ it down……AGAIN!

Hey! Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. I love the feedback. You all are amazing. I do feel good and have noticed that some of my clothes are fitting different. I’ll just keep at it and see what happens from there.

So, I made this comment yesterday that really hit me hard………

…so that I can plan or organize for it so that it will all run smooth and then everyone will be able to enjoy life.

I’m specifically talking about the last 8 words of that sentence.

I’ve even gone through counseling for this and yet……here it is. Straight outta my mouth. I’m shocked and horrified and well…..completely frustrated with myself.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt responsible to make others feels happy; even at my own expense, a fair amount of the time. It got to the point where it was so overwhelming that I felt completely buried under the mountain of “falsely assumed” responsibility. I felt completely burnt out and even angry at everyone when really, the biggest person that I should have been angry at was myself.

I, somehow, had this idea that it was my “responsibility to make others happy” and it was killing me. I was absolutely being crushed under the weight of that burden.

Recently, I’ve thought I was doing pretty well.

I’ve learned SO much about letting things go and about setting boundaries and about how I’m responsible for myself and yet……here I am staring at myself in the mirror feeling like I’ve come right back around to this…..this……monster.

I KNOW that it’s not my responsibility to make others happy. I know that I’m not actually capable of making others happy. That is something that’s up to them….that is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY to figure out if or why they might be unhappy and what they need to do about it.

But, ………there is something in me that wants to make others happy and in some way gets some sense of pride or accomplishment when others mention their happiness (or if life’s easier or smoother for them) as a direct result of something or things that I’ve done or do.

I don’t think it’s wrong to do nice things for others, but if I end up feeling like it’s my responsibility and if it’s weighing heavy on me….then it’s probably something that’s not mine to carry and I probably should have never picked it up in the first place.

I need to go back and look at things that I’m doing and figure out my motivations and maybe I need to put or lay down some of the things that have been weighing so heavily on me.

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This is part of me being responsible for myself and my own happiness and well being. I do have ones that count on me and me being able to be happy and healthy emotionally and physically. So I do need to take care of myself and make sure that I’m not so burdened down and emotionally taxed that I can’t enjoy life, be present and be there for them.

Fresh Start

I can’t believe it’s already September.

Where did this summer go?

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It seems completely eaten up with the house purchase. That is how I will remember the summer of 2009. It was the summer we bought our first home.

I’m thrilled that we were able to buy and that we are getting settled in. It’s not been a fun, go-a-lot-of-places and have-a-lot-of-adventures kind of summer, but it HAS been a good summer. Tough, but good!

Friends of ours are also starting another leg of their life journey and are in the process of buying a new place. We went over to check out their place last night. We LOVE these guys and are so thrilled for them.

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We had some great food and some even better conversation.

It used to seem like we lived so far away from these guys, but then we moved closer to them and now they have moved closer to us and now we are considerably closer than we were before. (Okay, that’s a completely lame sentence, but it is what it is…..and I’ll just throw it out there and slowly walk away from it.)

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I managed to snap a bunch of pics of the kids while they were swimming. (yes, this new place of theirs has a pool – how wicked amazing is that?) and what’s even better…..after it got dark, we sent the kids to watch a movie and we adults headed down to the pool. Can we sigh a HUGE SIGH of HEAVENLY-NESS?!? I felt so relaxed last night.

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Relaxed! Ha! There is a loaded word. Yesterday was Jon’s first day back at work and today is my first day back at work and well……I was mentioning to Jon yesterday how I was already feeling the pressure of “the Fall” starting to weigh in on me. It’s good…..Sorta! This is going to be a GREAT fall with exciting and amazing things, BUT….it’s going to require a significant amount of work and well………that work will require effort and…..well…..when I think of the sheer volume of work it’s all gonna require……then I just want to run and stick my head in the sand and head back to vacation.

Ahhh! It’ll all be good. I’m just looking at the volume of everything all at once and I know that if I just focus on what is in front of me (today) then it will all work out.

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That is a very short snippet of a very big “AH HA” moment that I’ve had very recently and one that I’ll be talking more about as I think it’s HUGELY relevant to me right here and right now.

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Well, gotta get started on my day. Click here to see the WHOLE set of pics from last night.

Day 5……looking Up

Alright, so I blaaaaaaahhhed all of yesterday’s blah right outta me, and today has been a better day.

We ARE going away early next week for a 2 nighter in Whistler. It should be a ton of fun. Neither Jon nor I have been to Whistler recently and the kids have never been up there. So, we should have a blast up there with the family. Do you have any suggestions of things that we “should for sure do” while we are there? I’d appreciate hearing about what your favorite summer activities at Whistler are.

Today went a little differently than I planned or rather it went differently than I had thought it would, but it was still good.

My brother came over this morning to work a bit more on the trim . We have those HORRID rounded walls that were SO POPULAR about…..oh…..15 years ago (the age of our home) and so we had to order special rounded trim pieces to finish off the trim after we had the flooring put in. They finally came into the shop and today he brought them over. It’s so nice to spend time with family, even if they are working.

After he left, we popped over to this little coffee and tea shop in the Fort. It is such a cute place AND…..best of all, my cousin works there, and was able to take a quick break so we visited. So much fun.

After that we hit two stores to try and find me a pair of Birkenstocks. I’ve bought them a few times in the past and wear them until they fall apart. I end up feeling so great from wearing them (I’ve had massive issues with my feet) and I’ve really noticed that recently my feet have been hurting and then that means that my knees are hurting and then my hips hurt and my back hurts and then I get a headache……yah! All because of my feet. So, I’m on the search for another pair of Birkenstocks, but I’m looking for something pretty. We’ll see. I’ll show ya what I got, when I actually get a pair.

We didn’t find exactly what I was looking for, but we can still look in a few other places.

We headed home after that and I’m feeling more settled now. We are managing to work though some of the boxes and to get the garage cleared out some and to put more and more things away and I’m feeling like it possible that we might get “sorta” settled before this vacation is over and definitely before school starts.

One HUGE weight off my shoulders are the kids school supplies. I found out that the school orders packages of the school supplies from Smartpacks and I am ordering the kids supplies tonight. We got ahold of the company today and the kids supplies will be delivered directly to the school and it’s for a decent price, but the biggest thing…..I don’t have to go anywhere and search out “the best” deals or fight with all the other crazy parents….I’m just sitting here on my butt clicking away and feeling so happy and smug. Yah me!

Tomorrow we’ll probably attack a few more boxes and maybe try to do something fun with the kids….we’ll see.

But, I’m feeling WAY more relaxed about everything today. And that’s a good thing, right?

ps. for anyone who cares – I’ve exercised 10 outta the last 13 days, and am feeling good about myself. I’ll weigh in tomorrow morning to see how that’s all going.

So it was Canada Day, eh?

and the day pretty much flew by with nary a mention of our sacred holiday.

Okay, that’s not entirely true, but it was a great day and a sucky day…..I’m pretty much an all time fan of the whole…..it was the best of times and it was the worst of times mentality.

My life seems to be one giant contradiction.

The best part of the day was Jon and I being able to stay in bed until almost 10am….and even better was that during that time, we were not negligent parents….or ya know….at least not much.

None of the 4 kids woke up until after 9am…..HOW THE CRAP DOES THAT HAPPEN?

Now truthfully, the baby woke up at 6am, nursed and then went back to sleep, so we’re not talking miracles of all night hours, and HOURS or uninterrupted sleep, but seriously, this was pretty darn close.

Then we got up and after that incredibly slow start to the day we managed to make a small….pretty much minuscule…dent in the whole packing/moving situation. So minuscule that it’s almost not worth mentioning except for the fact that we got Jeremy’s room completely cleared out and the poor child is left with one box…yup, only 1 box of Lego to play with until we move.

I did manage to fold and sort through some of our Mt. Everest of laundry – I even vacuumed the carpet and cleaned the kitchen and even managed to put away all of the fruit and veggies that we bought.

So, even though it was not a great packing day, it was still a great “get on top of things” or better known as “attempt to claw your way out of the deep, dark, monstrosity of a hole that you been living in” day.

Jon’s parents come out to drop of Xani (She’s been out for her birthday shopping trip with Nana) and they stayed for a nice Canadian dinner of tortilla’s….cause we’re all patriotic like that….ya know, with the American and the New Zealand heritage shining through. Then they left and Jon took the kids out to our front patio to attempt to see the few fireworks that actually make it taller than the church down the block…..I nicely suggested that he take them over to a friend of ours house who live really close to the field where they set the fireworks off.

The kids freaked out so excited that they got to go….I’m not sure how excited Jon was, but he really does like fireworks…

Me? I’m indifferent. If we are there when they go off. Nice, but if you’ve seen them once, you’ve seen them and it really doesn’t do anything for me. So….I stayed home and caught up on a bit of work….totally sucks, eh? But it was necessary, if not so fun or holiday-ish.

And that was it. No fun parades attended, no partying with friends, no fun Canada day fairs or amusements parks or pancake breakfasts….just a boring day in the middle of the week that has TOTALLY screwed me up because it totally feels like a weekend and yet…I have to go into work tomorrow. What is up with that?

Oh well, one day and then a real weekend. YAHOO! And, guess what we’re doing tomorrow…we are signing the paperwork for our house with the notary. Tomorrow we sign our lives away. It’s so exciting.

We get legal possession on next Thursday and then the flooring should be finished NEXT weekend (my bro is working on it right now) and then we can be all moved in…sort of….we’re still working on all those details and how that’s all going to work….I’m so excited! EEEEEKKKK!

Although, I dying a little at the thought of cleaning almost 10 years of living out of this place…..hold me as I contemplate the sheer effort required to clean every little crevice and all the big walls and behind the stove and fridge…..you know, ll those fun places……Yuck!

So, what did you do for Canada Day or what are you doing for July 4th or if you’re not from Canada or the States…how was your week?

I Value…..

Father’s Day came and went and I didn’t even say a word about it. I was too caught up in the drama and misery of my own life….and just to keep it real for ya’ll – the baby had a wicked case of the runs and it had me worried….virus or allergic reaction or both? I was so messed up over it all. It was not cool!

Anyway, I have some thoughts…. Who woulda thunk it, eh?

At my sister’s wedding on Saturday, my father got up and gave a toast or a blessing or basically he choked back a few words about my sister and her hubby and her daughters. It’s always fun to get my dad to talk about his kids in public because he gets all emotional and if you know my dad at all, you know that he holds himself pretty tightly together, but get him to start talking about how much he loves his kids and about how proud he is of them and….. he pretty much looses it!

While he’s losing it, he tries desperately hard to keep it all together and ends up doing that weird throat clearing thing to keep his cool. It’s adorable and we all love it and it makes everyone cry.

Anyway, I sat at the table in the reception and felt an unfamiliar pang of jealousy shoot right through me. As I processed, I realized it was because I wanted to hear my daddy say amazing, wonderful things about me. I wanted to hear how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. I wanted to hear him speak those life-giving words of affirmation over me.

I know that if I asked him to, he would. He loves me. He loves all of us kids fiercely and while he is not one to throw his words around lightly….I believe that his love for us is so deep and strong that if he fully “unleashed it”, that he is not prepared for the depth and strength of emotion that would overwhelm him and so he speaks of his love carefully…. but his love and heart shine through in so many of his actions. He would do anything for us……and he has.

He is an amazing man and yet sometimes, a misunderstood man. I love my father so much!

But this whole situation………. has really got me thinking.

I want to be one who speaks life giving words to others. I want to tell my kids and my husband and my family and my friends and even my acquaintances how much I love/like/appreciate them. I want to be extravagant with my praise. I don’t want to just throw the words around so carelessly that they hold no meaning, but I do not want to hold those affirming words captive within myself, either.

I want to be one who speaks of my love for my family and friends. I want to let others know how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am for who they are and what they mean to me. I want to tell my kids how proud I am of them and how much I value WHO they are even more so than what they DO. I don’t want people wondering what they mean to me or assuming that I think highly of them. I want them to know that I value them.

I want to be one who breathes life through my words and actions.

For Better, For Worse, For Ever

My sister got married this weekend…..for the second time.

I had so many mixed emotions this weekend and if you add a baby who was sick, and then seemed to be better and then was definitely sick again….by last night I was completely spent and this morning, I just wanted to crawl back in bed.

As it is, I sit here in my jammies with brutal hair and my oldest, frumpiest, comfy-est hoody on and I’m drinking green tea with brown rice (my comfort tea, second only to Earl Grey with lots of sugar and milk – but seeing as I don’t drink milk anymore, that kinda kills that drink, no?) It really doesn’t help that it’s raining outside and the grey blah-ness of it all makes me want to go and burrow deep into my bed and forget about everything for a moment.

I didn’t have any issues with my sister or with her ex-husband. I loved them both. I had accepted them both as family. Their differences were not my differences and so the split was a difficult one for me……

I handled it badly. I’ll just say that….. Just put it out there. At a time when I should have been supportive and loving – I was preachy and judgmental. And when it all came down to it…..my actions and reactions wedged a space in our relationship.

I was mad at her. This was the first time that I’d come face to face with a relationship break up that affected me (selfish, much?) and for all the pain that I was feeling over it all for her, for him, for their girls….I couldn’t get past the pain that I was feeling and my self-righteous, judgmental attitude. I can’t even fathom the pain that she must have been feeling to make the decision in the first place. I’m not saying that it was right or wrong or making any calls on it. I wasn’t there in between their 4 walls, witness to all that went on. When it all comes down to it, that’s not my place nor is it a responsibility that I want…one of making judgment calls of right or wrong for someone else. When I look back now, I just can’t even imagine what she was feeling and then to know that I just added to the pain…..it just about kills me, now.

I look back and wish that I could have done differently….that I could have acted differently. I wish then that I knew what I know now. It’s not my place to judge. My place is to love. Unconditionally loving….that’s how I want to be, to live, to act. I want to be able to love unconditionally.

I can do that. At the very least, I can try to do that.

So on Saturday, seeing her look so beautiful and seeing her so happy and seeing embracing a new start…..it was….I don’t know what to say it was. It was so many things. It was lovely. It was beautiful. It was the end and a beginning. It was happy and sad. It was so many mixed emotions (for me).

I am so happy for her. She is marrying a good guy. He loves her. He loves the girls. Those little girls have walked a journey that I don’t envy and yet here they are with a mother who loves them, and a father who loves them and a step-father who loves them and lots of family on all three sides who love them. It’s not an easy path they are walking and not one that they chose and yet……in it all – they are extravagantly loved…..which has to count for something, right?

It’s really not about me. Except that “this” is me. These “are” my feelings. I’m a bit mixed up about it all. I’ll be fine. We have love on our side and we’ll get through this as a family.

It’s just something new….and I often don’t do well with “new” stuff.

I just want to make sure that I show more love and support than I have in the past. I didn’t like that side of me that was so judgmental and hurtful and selfish. I want to be more loving and compassionate and thoughtful and to be thinking outside my self. I want to show my family (and friends and those I come in contact with) that I will love them in the good times and in the bad times; in the happy times and in the hurt times….for better, for worse, FOREVER!