Beginnings and Endings

I’ve been thinking a lot recently.

I’ve processed through the shock that we are going to be the parents of 5 children and am waiting expectantly for the day when we finally get to meet this little one.

I’m also aware that barring some miracle this will be our last baby…the last time that I’m pregnant…the last labour and delivery…..there are so many lasts…..and yet in the middle of all of those “lasts” or “endings”…..I’ve come to realize that every time one stage passes, another one starts.

I’m currently at the stage where I’m finishing the second trimester and entering the third one.

First Trimester

I was so much in shock and not really sure what to think. I was dealing with a lot of stress and concerns that others would think that we were crazy – when really what does it matter what others think. I thought that I had dealt fairly well with that issue and BLAM! Apparently it’s something that I needed and still need to process a bit more. I was SO sick, and not just with pregnancy related nausea and vomiting, but literally sick, first with the H1N1 and then with every cough, cold and virus imaginable. It made October, November and December very VERY crappy months. I was also SO TERRIFIED that I might lose this baby. I really didn’t want to deal with another loss and at times the fear and accompanying stress were overwhelming. Honestly, I was so glad to be out of the first trimester. I really didn’t spend a lot of time enjoying that time. Which, in hindsight, I regret, BUT….honestly, I was just trying to survive and I recognize that and can have grace for myself.

Second Trimester

I was still sick (pregnancy related) for most of this time, but I was able to process through to a place that the excitement and expectancy of waiting to meet our sweet baby overshadows the possibility of loss. I do still struggle with the possibility of losing this baby and the fear that loss inspires, but for the most part I’m okay. I have felt more energetic during these past couple of months and was finally able to accomplish more than I had been able to at the end of last year.

We still have not told everyone that we know that we are expecting and although I feel that it’s more noticeable that I’m pregnant – I still get the odd sideways glances that let me know that someone is unsure and just too polite to ask. Seriously, who wants to be the person who asks if you’re pregnant only to find out that you’ve just gained a few pounds (AHEM – 9 pounds so far, to be exact – AHEM!!).

We took this picture yesterday morning.

Here is a shot from a side view…..sorta……I need to get a better side shot, I know.

There are so many beginnings and endings happening around me or maybe I’m just more aware of this concept right now.

My baby will no longer be my baby…..but he will always be my miracle.

I’ll never be pregnant again and will never get to feel the amazing feeling of my baby moving inside of me BUT…….I will never have to deal with the constant nausea that pregnancy seems to bring to me.

My first baby is going to be a teenager in just a few days and I’ll get to deal with the challenges of walking her through the transition times from being a child to becoming an adult. For the record, I’m looking forward to it, not fearing it. She’s a great kid and will become a great adult.

I’ll have a teenager and a newborn…..how interesting will that be?!?

My oldest son who was my baby for the longest time will now be firmly entrenched in his position as the middle child of the family.

I will go all the way back to parenting a newborn, when we are currently walking through the toddler phase and into the child phase….regardless of the fact that I’m headed back to the baby phase, Siah is still barreling towards the child stage of his life.

Beginnings and Endings…..they are everywhere.

Jon and I will no longer be parents of 4 kids and the challenges and blessings that brings, but now we will be navigating through life as parents of 5 kids while still finding time to invest in ourselves and in our relationship…..should be interesting.

I love that I can let go of the stage or phase or age that is passing by me and grasp firmly a hold of the one presenting itself to me. I don’t have to rush or strive to get there. I can just enjoy every stage as it comes and the ones that I find that I struggle more with….well, I know that it will pass and that each new stage will bring it’s own set of challenges and blessings.

I get to take the good with the bad and just relax and breath and enjoy every moment. These moments pass by all too fast and you rarely get the opportunity to give it a second chance in exactly the same way.

Knowing this has really helped me when I am feeling stressed or pressured. I can repeat to myself, “This too shall pass!” and just knowing that I won’t be “stuck” in any particular phase or stage forever has helped me to be able to “chill out”……most of the time!!! I’m still human, eh?!?

I’m just trying to enjoy each day and what that day brings whether it be good or bad…it’s all a part of the journey and what makes life special and unique for me.