The Long Cry Home (this one’s all about me)

I drove away from the hospital yesterday afternoon bawling.

I had my newborn along with me in the back of the van, a freak load of stuff that we’d collected over the week and half that we’d already been in the hospital, my labor and delivery bag and Judah’s new born bag…..oh, and WAY TOO MUCH GARBAGE on the floor of the van…..not cool!

The baby was crying and I was crying, the weather was grey and icky and it almost matched my mood. Had it been raining hard – the scene woulda been straight out of a movie.

We’ve been through some tough stuff in our lives, and I’m not sure if it’s the combination of everything or just the immediacy of it all, but honestly, this feels like the worst thing that we’ve gone through….even tougher than losing Nathaniel or having Chris almost die……

I’ve never questioned the “Why’s” before, but I’ll admit that it’s been harder and harder to push those thoughts from my head.

I’m doing better today than I was yesterday, but this is not easy.

I think I knew in my heart that the likely hood of us all going home together was steadily declining, but I hoped….OH HOW I HOPED. I was so grateful to the hospital for allowing me to stay over Saturday night, as I really needed that extra day to prepare myself to leave the hospital by myself…..I wasn’t really acknowledging that was our reality, but I think that somewhere deep down in side me – I knew…..

And… sucked every bit as bad as I knew it would…..

Photo 25

Life’s not always easy or happy but we carry on….

You don’t have a baby and expect to spend the first 3 days mostly by yourself…….knowing that every time you selfishly want your husband with you that it means that your other baby is then alone. Or the rest of the time sitting in a room in the Oncology ward watching your firstborn puking after being filled with life saving poison…….. This whole motherhood thing…while some parts of it come easy to me – other parts are so SO difficult. I want to be with Geli. I want to comfort her. I want to help her. I am her mother. I am in tune with her. I know when she’s hurting and trying to suck it up and right now……I’m an hour away from her and can’t do ANYTHING. But, being with her means that I’m leaving my other babies who are not doing so well with all of this either, and so I have to make the worse choices….I have to choose…..Sometimes, having to make choices……SUCKS!

We are all on edge and hurting and confused and nothing about this is easy.

Xani lost it hard last night. Which was AWESOME and horrid. And to be honest….I envy her the meltdown. I want to scream and wail and fall apart and yet I’m scared that if I do – I won’t be able to pull myself back together to be there for the kids and Jon and Geli and we still have a ways to go until we are re-united as a family and until then…..I’m holding down the fort over here and….well….I’m not even sure where to go with this……

I’m upset.

I keep thinking that Jon is going to be missing our son’s first month of life. I wonder if I’m strong enough to handle all of this on my own. I lean so heavily on Jon for so many things. I miss him so bad. I hate not being there for Geli. I hate feeling so all over the place like this. I feel SO EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE.

I cried and whimpered my way home from the hospital, but as I rounded the corner to our street, a HUGE WAILING SOB tore itself from the core of me….the sheer intensity of it scared me and I was too close to home to allow it all to escape and so I stuffed it back down….unhealthy I know, but it is coming out…..I’d probably do better to just go for it, but for now….I’m leaking it out.

For those who prayed for me yesterday, I was able to hold it together while at the hospital in front of Geli, but she’s not a stupid kid….we were all a bit bummed yesterday.

And today, I acknowledge what I felt yesterday. I know I still need to process through some of the tough, core emotions, but I’m trying to stay present…..even minute by minute if necessary. We had to do this with Xandra this morning…..don’t look at the whole day, just the next task on the list….just make your lunch and then we’ll see how you’re feeling…..then eat breakfast and we’ll re-evaluate the whole idea of going to school this morning after that……and taking things minute by minute (and after a good conversation with Daddy) she headed off to school this morning…..and that is a little how my day is going too.

Right now I’m using this as a bit of therapy….being able to take all those thoughts in my head and acknowledge them, write them out and then try to let them go.

Then I need to make a list of things I need around the house and then figure out what to send to Geli.

Then I’m going to look at my e-mail inbox….that thought alone is scary…..let alone actually tackling the actual task. (Your support has been amazing by the way, and I am am so SO thankful).

After that….well, Jeremy has a play at school that I need to go to, and then we’ll just see…..One minute at a time, if necessary.

(I have a bit of a disclaimer for any who might have started reading recently. I’m honest – for the most part – on this website. By the phrase – …..honest, for the most part – I mean that I don’t share everything that goes on in our lives. I’m open about a lot of things, but by no means are any of the posts on this website a clear indication of EVERYTHING that is going on in our lives or inside my head space. It’s a “piece” of the whole….a glimpse of who I am and what I’m going through and by extension, who our family is and what they are going through. I’m sharing bits of myself with you and I’m not unwise. This is a tough time in my life and I’m expressing some of what I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I’m very aware of my mental health and although I seem to be a bit emotionally unstable at this exact moment, I will continue to monitor where I’m at and to listen to my close family and health care professionals regarding my mental health. I’m not asking for advice or input in this area. I’m merely allowing a piece of the trauma and pain of this time in our lives to be open and “out there”. I will be okay. I am okay. Please don’t feel that it’s your job to carry me. I am carried through this and we will make it through this. I know this.

I know that I know that I know that I know….that we will make it through this….sometimes, in life, our feelings don’t always line up with the knowledge that lives in the very core of our being and sometimes you just need to acknowledge the pain and hurt so that you can then, let it go.

This space is an amazing place for me. I can process. i can vent. I can share information. I can be silly. I can be happy or sad…..this website is just a glimpse or a small extension of myself……I’m happy to let you be a part of this, but if you are wondering how to “help me”……I’ll just let you know that your love, support, care, encouraging words…mean so much. You don’t have to fix me…..or make me aware of where I’m at…..I promise. I have ones to do that for/with me. The biggest thing you can do is to love and encourage….and you have done so MARVELOUSLY! For that, I thank you! I don’t know if you’ll ever know the full extent that your love and care, support and encouragement have helped. I read and re-read your comments. They come in at the perfect time and sometimes inspire tears or laughter……but always comfort and love.

Thank you so much for walking along side of me (and us) as we travel this road and although it seems to feel at times like we are walking on loose gravel, I know that the shoes I’m wearing are more than adequate to be able to handle the terrain on this road and that irregardless, I have many hands to grasp onto should I feel tired or like I’m stumbling.

Once again, I say……

Thank You!

You are amazing!)

Author: Patricia Culley

I'm the ringmaster of my own circus. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the monkeys.

32 thoughts on “The Long Cry Home (this one’s all about me)”

  1. Aw, sweetie, I don’t know everything that’s going on, of course. But I think you are doing pretty well, all things considered. I can only imagine, but this does sound REALLY hard. Really, really hard.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope that you are all reunited soon.

  2. {{{{Patti}}}}

    I am so sorry you have to go through this and I’m glad you have this space to vent and unload. I can’t imagine the emotions raging around in you right now…and the conflicting demands you feel.

    But I hope you can take a moment and see yourself through others’ eyes: see what a loving and giving mother, wife and friend you are. You are doing your absolute best, and to me, it’s just amazing. I can only hope I would be able to do what you have done if I were in your situation.

    I think of you and your family daily and pray for you all. I wish I lived close enough to give you a real hug, but for now, a cyber one will have to do.

    Love, Amy C (from TUB)

  3. Awe patticake! 🙂 I’m crying with you right now! I understand a smidgen of what you are going through and that brings up so many memories for me of the roads i have had to walk. Leaving any of your children is gut wrenching and you feel like your heart has been torn and is left with each child wherever they are. I “HATED” leaving josh at the hospital afTer he was born. But the maternity ward would not let me stay. It felt like I hadn’t even had a baby, everyone kept telling me how much Sam needed me too. I just wanted to tell them all to shutup cuz I “knew” that and I felt terrible. I had to take it one step at a tine and I did survive and I was able to move forward with a strength that was not my own. I look back and see how much Jesus was with me. Just like he is with you.
    Like you have said, take it one minute at a time. I cannot fathom the amount of pain you are going through, but I’m here for you. You are not alone and you are loved.
    Love niki

  4. hey girl…praying for more and more and more grace for you….and that sometime soon you’d find a nice quiet safe spot to just WAIL AWAY!!!!!!
    sang this song this weekend at a conference….thought of you:

    Heavy On

    He’s got you surrounded, He and His host of heaven
    He’s got you enfolded, in His loving arms
    He’ll never leave you, He won’t forsake you
    He won’t abandon, His place by your side

    You can lean heavy on, heavy on, heavy on His shoulders

    He endures all your burdens.
    He sees all your troubles.
    He knows all your sorrows. He catches every tear.
    He goes before you, your journey He’ll follow
    In the grace of His shadow, he watches over you

    You can lean heavy on, heavy on, heavy on His shoulders

    So rejoice, you’re in the company of angels.

  5. Patti, I was in tears reading what your day was like yesterday. I can only imagine the pain you feel, being torn in two, being alone with all the kids minus Geli…My heart hurts thinking of you. Praying for you so much, my sweet friend, that minute by minute you are reminded of how much you are loved and cherished.

  6. Hi Patti,
    Thank you for being open and vulnerable. That is what I love about you. Struggles in life are difficult and there are times we barely hold onto God and His promises. You and your family are resilient and through all of this, it makes you stronger, steadier, faithful and grateful. Thanks for being willing to share your journey with us. God always wants His kids to be REAL. Love and big, big, big hugs to you!

  7. Patti, I am crying reading this right now! I look back to the day our girls were born…just 8 hours apart and I can’t imagine going through what you guys are going through right now. Just know that we are praying for you guys and thinking about you. You are a stronger woman than I!! You are an inspiration to me even in the midst of your pain and uncertainty!! We love you guys and even though we aren’t in touch to often we consider you some of our best friends!!

  8. Patti,

    My heart goes out to you at this time. I can’t imagine the load you have to carry at this time, thank goodness you aren’t carrying it alone. Just know that there are so many people lifting you in praying, loving and supporting you through this journey and you will get through it with God’s help .

    I have been so amazed how this family comes together. I was telling my parents the other day that you guys say everything a Christian should be saying in a time like this, but the incredible thing is that you all mean it so much. You really live your faith in the hardest times. I really believe God’s hand is on your family right now, every single one, and you will overcome this together and be a stronger family for it.

    Love you so much.


  9. Patti you are amazing even when your a mess and your life is a mess. Taking care of your family, your husband, yourself and showing a great God in your midst. Standing with you and for you, with the greatest respect

  10. Patti, The dimple picture…. yeah!!! cutie pie!! I love it:) Love your sis! XO

  11. Patti

    We have not met but my son Harrison is in Geli class and I met your husband when we did the car wash. If you need anything – I can bring a meal over (even if it means grapping a pizza) or take Harry down to visit Geli when she is up to it here is my cell phone 604 868 9067.

    Tania Taylor

  12. Patti,

    You are amazing and so beautiful. You and Geli are in my thoughts and sending all the love i can your way.

    Geli, you looked every bit the beautiful young lady you are at your graduation. Sending my thoughts your way to have a better day today.


  13. Hey Patti As a cancer survivor i know those pains, thoughts, emotions and trying to be strong for others very well. I am sorry you have to experience it. I bought this card for you but have no way to give it to you in person — it says

    Dont worry that you’re not strong enough before you begin.
    It is in the journey that GOD makes you STRONG.

    The Lord shall guide thee continually and satisfy thy soul. ISA 58:11

  14. You guys are in my thoughts. I wish there were more I could do.

    Thank you for taking the time to keep us updated in the middle of all of this chaos, lack of sleep, etc.

    The picture you posted is truly beautiful. You are beautiful and strong and you will get through this.

    Big hugs and lots of love,

  15. Hi Patti, my deepest hugs around you right now honey. Such pain in your eyes. How I hurt for you all.

    Might I mention, what an incredibly beautiful picture of the two of you.

    Don’t worry about what you think others might think. From all I can read and all I have heard from others, they stand in amazement at who you have shown yourself to be. Only those who have walked the steps you have had to, and I am certain there are not many, would be in a position to offer any suggestions. We are all so grateful for Gods covering over you all.

    I told Elaine that once I came home from the interior I just wanted to go and stand on the rocks at Lighthouse Park and scream until I couldn’t scream any longer and then lie down and weep until I had no tears left.

    I haven’t gone yet, but each day brings less need to do so. I pray the same for you honey, but do what it is You need to do to process everything. Only you know, and the Lord.

    May Jon and Geli be brought back to you as soon as possible.

    Love Aunty Jo

  16. Patti, you’re amazing. I haven’t even met you and that is glaringly obvious. I’m sure anything I say will sound trite as I can’t even imagine what it’s like to walk in your shoes these days.

    So I will just say that I commit to standing with you until there is physical restoration for Angelica and peace and wholeness for you and yours.

    May you be blessed beyond measure!


  17. the picture is so real and so raw and breaks my heart and I love that you are able to express yourself so clearly and well, it is inspirational and amazing. I love you so much and wish desperately I could do anything to ease your pain.

  18. My heart breaks for you, Jon and the kids. You are a very special family and are in our prayers always, Love you

  19. Hi,
    I know you don’t know me but we have something in common, my daughter was diagnosed with AML ( acute myeloid leukemia) Oct/07 at the age of 10 1/2, she has been home now 2 years and is now 13. We spent 8 months on 3B. I want to encourage you as another mom that has walked in your shoes not so long ago. I pray for strength and God’s protection and comfort for all of you.

  20. Wow, I am in awe of your honesty. Both Philippe and I are praying for you all. We have just discovered your blog and are catching up.
    Rebecca and Philippe

  21. I am so proud of you sweetheart…proud of your ability to express your weakness, which only emphasizes your strength…and we know the Source of your strength and I give thanks to God our Father, who always causes us to truimph! Bless your rest this night and know that He loves Geli so much more,He will not leave or forsake her and that she also possesses the same source of strength as her mama. xoxoxo i love you patti lynn

  22. Hey Patti….it’s been so many years since those Sunday School classes in North Van. I see that you’ve become an amazing woman of God(not unlike your mom!!) I can’t imagine the emotional roller coaster that you must be on and yet stand firm in the knowledge that He is on the throne and we are His children able to cast all of our cares upon Him. Although we have lost touch with your family over the years, you have all remained in our hearts and prayers. God has promised to give you peace beyond all understanding and I promise to pray for all of you. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey…it helps with sharing the load on such a journey. Love to all of you.

    PS…Love her hi-tops!!! Where does one find something that matches a dress so well????? lol

  23. Hi Patti

    All I can say is “feel the Father’s arms around you, holding you close, surrounding you with His love and comfort.”

  24. Patti, just another note to say I am praying for you and love you very much. Even though we haven’t kept in touch over these past years you still hold a special place in my heart! I pray you have a peaceful sleep and beautiful judah gets a good chunk of time to sleep too! And also rest for Jon and gelli so they can come home and gelli will be healthy and strong!
    on a completely different side note: Hey gelli! I wanted to tell you a bit about my mother in law who has won her fight against cancer. My mother in law (Jeanie) had to have chemotherapy treatments a couple years ago and she lost all her hair. I thought she looked absolutely beautiful and she had a lot of fun with wigs. When her hair came back in it was so soft and really curly! It was so cool! She had wavy hair before and now has ringlets! So if your hair begins to come out, don’t be afraid, you will be beautiful no matter what! There are some really cool head scarves you can get too! Which I’m sure you’ve already learned about!
    Well, I shall love you alland pray you all have a good night!

  25. Hey Patti! When Mike and I were going through our recovery from our car accident, some friends of my in-laws gave me a really great book of Spiritual Blessings to speak over our family. This book has become well worn and I have used it countless times over the years. It really helped me when I had Josh in Children’s Hospital and I was turmoiling over how God could allow all that had happened happen.

    I can’t sleep right now as you are on my heart big time and I wanted to read to you (or should I say type 🙂 ) a prayer that I thought might be fitting. (I read through the whole book just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything.) I know it is a tad long  but please bear with me as it really is a good read! Be blessed and I am praying for all of you!
    Luv, Niki
    The book is titled : Blessing Your Spirit by Sylvia Gunter and Arthur Burke:
    *Wherever there was a blank space I put in your name Patti, but this is meant for all of you guys too!*
    page 29 Day 11 Being Rescued
    Dear Patti, I speak to your spirit in the name of Jesus of Nazareth. Listen with your spirit to the Word of God for you. Psalm 27:5-6 “For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His Tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at His Tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of Joy;I will sing and make music to the Lord.”

    Patti, there is a time for you to endure pain, and there is a time for you to embrace the joy that is set before you and press on and get through the pain and get to the other side. But there is also a time when you are supposed to be delivered by your Father, the Most High God, when you cry out to him and ask him to remove the obstacles to lift you out of their clutches, and to set you in a beautiful safe place. I bless you with knowing the difference between the two. I bless you with having the courage to move ahead and press through the pain when it is time. I bless you with freedom from a poverty spirit, with being willing and ready and knowing the time to cry out to your father to be rescued from the problems that are not yours to fight. I bless you with seeing His provision of rescuing you in a multitude of ways. I bless you with enjoying the creativity of God in rescuing you, in little things and big things, monumental crises and little confusions of the day. I bless you with the joy of watching your Father easily handle those things that would perturb you or confuse you. I bless you with being rescued and celebrating His creativity in the rescue with the emotion of security.
    I bless you with enough problems in life and God’s rescuing you from those problems that you no longer fear problems because they become an opportunity for God to show himself strong. I bless you with the blessing that Daniel had of living so long with God and experiencing His faithfulness so many times that when he was in the Lions den, he was not overwhelmed with fear. The animals mouths were bound, and they could not bite him.
    I bless you, Patti, with the same security that David had to walk into the enemy’s camp and leave with Saul’s spear and water bottle. I bless you with experiencing your Father’s intervention so often and on such a profound level that you are emotionally secure. I bless you with seeing Him do remarkable things to rescue you, so that you can go before God’s people and share glory stories of what God did on your behalf, and how He activated events to rescue you from the trap of the enemy designed to destroy you.
    I bless you with joy of imparting to other people the faith to walk in security. I bless you with stories of God’s intervention that are so deeply woven into your spirit that sharing those stories with others lifts their faith up, lifts them out of fear, and enables them to have faith to look forward to cry out for God’s intervention in their own lives.
    I bless you Patti, with the anointing that was upon Paul. The captain should not have set sail at that time and the ship was lost, but because Paul was on the ship, God kept everybody’s life safe because of Paul’s life. I bless you with such an anointing of security that you will have the joy of God’s rescuing you and extending security and rescuing others along with you, Your anointing for the powerful security of God will extend to those around you.
    I bless you with the joy of your Father’s acts on your behalf being translated into beautiful acts of worship toward him. I bless you with not just enjoying the emotion of release and rescue, but also translating those experiences into acts of worship. During your experiences of God’s rescuing you when He hides you in the shelter of His tabernacle or sets you high upon a rock-I bless you with worshipping and glorifying God, encouraging His people, and memorializing His power.
    I bless you Patti, with shouts of joy over the intervening hand of God, as He rescues you from the work of His enemies and yours. I bless you with the security and joy of being rescued by the God whom you serve with all of your heart. I bless you in the name of Jesus of Nazareth!

  26. Hi, we are now in Brisbane at Karl’s place so I have just got on to his computer to catch up. Congratulations on your new baby. I sent a parcel at the end of last week for Angelica and her baby brother. Airmail so it should get there soon. I hope it helps to put a smile here and there. I sent it to Merrilyn as I don’t have your current address.
    Thank you for writing so frankly, it helps us to know how to pray. It sounds like it is particularly rugged at present. I don’t think even hormones can account for all this. As you described it I thought how I would feel in the same situation amd I don’t think I would be any good.
    I am emotional too, I don’t like my family hurting like this. Like Merrilyn, and like you, I am fiercly protective of my family and distance or not you are definitely family!!! I want to put my arms around you all and give you a big hug so I will ask my FATHER to do that for me. I LOVE YOU.
    Boy this is hard to write. I am not a typist and Karl’e keyboard has so many letters erased it is a gtessing game or else ir comes out something like thia. I hsfe you csm resd ir withour the correcrioms.
    I cant get on to facebook so please rhank Jonathan for his messages.

  27. Patti, I love you soooo so much!!!! There just don’t seem to be enough words to say what I really feel but know I love you heaps, am so proud of you and how you are dealing with such a hard time and I wish I was able to give you a hug, but girl know I am always always praying for you, Jon, Angelica and the whole family!!!!

  28. Patti,

    I was with Kell last night when we delivered from Alex Hope, and although our meeting was brief, and we can’t begin to guess what you are going through, please know that we truly do care, and all of us at Alex Hope are here to lend support, or help in any way that we can. You are having to make choices that any mom would hate to make, but, you are making them with your heart, with your families hearts in mind. Please know that you are in our hearts and our prayers and we are here if you need us. Don’t hesitate to ask if there is anything we can do. Alex Hope is an amazing community if you let it in!!

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