Month: April 2015

At Peace With Myself

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It was a busy day today, full of little boys and big messes. That doesn’t typically allow me much space to process or think….

There were moments where I stopped and just took a breath, yesterday’s session weighing heavy on me, but not necessarily in a bad way………

I sat across from my counselor and had so many moments of insight into myself.

I made so many comments where something just “clicked”. It was such a bizarre moment in time. I’m trying desperately to remember it all because it seemed so…….sacred. It seemed like such a pivotal moment. Such an awareness…..of myself; an understanding of why I have thought the way I do. I don’t have answers as to why I felt so “bad” as a little girl. I don’t know that I ever will…..But I have to admit that I don’t ever remember feeling so disgusted with myself as I did during that session yesterday.

I’ve felt disappointed in myself. I’ve felt like I wasn’t good enough. I’ve felt like a fraud. I’ve felt like I had to try harder. I’ve felt ashamed….so ashamed…..and I didn’t know why.

I couldn’t figure out why I felt so “less than”….or “not good enough”…..or “unworthy”…..

Yesterday, I struggled with connecting with those feelings. It felt like I was aware of some inner pain, and yet I didn’t want to connect because it was too intense. I love how our brains work to protect ourselves so that we can carry on. Obviously, it would be better to deal with issues as they come up, but sometimes we can’t or just don’t know how to or even that we need to; and our bodies are created in such a way that it’s almost like our brains wrap a protective cocoon around the intensity of that moment to soften it so that we can carry on.

Imagine that you hurt your foot as a child and then wrapped it up tightly to keep it safe and from hurting, but then never took the tight bandages off as you grew up. You may have some discomfort, and your foot would even grow disfigured or maybe smaller and weaker than the other…..it didn’t need to be that way, but you didn’t know any better. You would grow older and know “how to walk”, but you might not be very good or very graceful at walking. In much the same way, emotionally….you may have areas that are weaker or stunted…or that never grow up in the same way that the rest of you grows up. You may have knowledge as an adult and be able to rationalize as an adult, but those wounded areas won’t be able to function as well as they could.

Sitting in my counselors office yesterday, I had the opportunity to connect with a part of myself and I didn’t want to. It was too strong, too intense and I was too scared. I felt like I was catching glimpses of it and these tiny moments of overwhelming feelings, and yet I found myself avoiding those feelings…using humor to escape the moment…..grounding myself in the present……and yet at the same time I was grasping to feel…..to be able to hold onto that moment because it felt like it was a key moment for me. I think it was….it is…..

I talked through that moment. I made statements that confused and astounded me because they were purely instinctual; and yet they tied my feelings perfectly into the person that I’ve become. They explained who I am now and why things are important to me. Things that I’ve not concretely thought through, made perfect sense. As I talked, I felt more, and more….and the depth of those feelings – well, lets just say that the only other time I remember feeling that intensely was when Nathaniel died. The grief was huge….like take your breath away huge. Like BLINDINGLY huge. Like you can’t possibly be in any more pain and still be alive, but you can’t possibly be dead because EVERY THING ACHES WITH SUCH INTENSITY!!!!

I’m sitting here on my couch with my laptop in my lap, still blown away at the intensity of those feelings from yesterday. I’m trying to wrap my head around how/what/why I would so intensely hate myself at such a young age. What could I have possibly done that I could have received that message? I’m very much aware that I most likely will never know and in the most surreal way possible, I’m mostly okay with that.

I sat there sensing this young girl, so filled with shame and disgust and my heart broke for her. My heart broke for me. My heart broke for any child who feels unloved and unaccepted; who feels like they are living just outside of what’s acceptable – and I guarantee that this is why….it’s because I felt like that as a child.

Inside of myself, I could see this young girl sitting on the floor hanging her head in shame. I scooped her up in my arms, and told her I loved her and that she was ok; and that she would grow up and find a man who would love her, unconditionally. They would have these amazing children who would have an incredible ability to love and accept others. That she would grow up to be loved and accepted by others…….and as I held her and spoke to her, she lifted up her head and looked up into me with amazement and wonder and I cradled her into myself.

It seems surreal. It sounds incredulous. It was both of those and more…….

What I know is that I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. I don’t feel like I’m in conflict with myself and that’s such a good thing. I’m not all fixed, or all better, or all done….but I’m in process and that’s such a good thing.

Assimilation……

I went to another counseling session this morning….and then I came home, ate lunch and crawled into bed until I had to pick up the boys from school.

I’m currently chatting with some friends on the Facebook messenger app….I’m having such a hard time focusing on this and yet, I want to be able to write it down because when I do…..I feel like I process through it and assimilate the info, so much better than when I kind of ignore it and carry on.

PhotoI feel like I’ve been fighting myself. On one hand, I think I’m good at certain things…..but on the other hand, I don’t really believe it. For example, I believe I am beautiful; but instead of just believing it and it being a non-factor…..I’m constantly needing to “be” perfect…even though I’m no where near perfect. It’s always something I’m reaching for or trying to attain. And if someone says anything to me….I honestly believe that they are just being nice…because somewhere inside of me, I don’t really believe I’m beautiful…..but I do….???

I think I can sing well, and yet…I don’t really believe it, because if I really was good, then wouldn’t I have actually “done” something with it. And yes, I can carry a tune, but so many are so much better than me, and I’m not really that good……..I’m just…adequate.

So, in counseling today, I managed to connect with a much younger me…from about when I was 6….and she quite honestly believes that shes bad……dirty and disgusting and bad…..and I don’t know why. She believes that if anyone really truly saw who she was that they would reject her……..and that just so much resonates with how I feel.

It’s weird. It’s weird to hear yourself say things like……I see these kids. These kids that others see as “bad” and I see beyond the “actions” and “issues” to the heart and soul of the kids and I see how special and amazing they are.

It’s so devastating to see that as a young girl, maybe 6, that I felt like if anyone saw the real me that they would reject me, because I was so bad.

I don’t know what happened to make me think that. I don’t know what would have given me that impression, all I know is that for the first time…..something makes sense…….its like something inside of me has held onto something horrid for 30+ years and I can finally recognize that it’s not the adult me feeling like this. Even saying this (or typing it) makes me feel crazy and yet…….it just feels so “right”. I said things today that totally make sense for the first time in 30+ years.

If there is a part of me that was traumatized by something and held onto that trauma and never quite grew up….it could easily be causing a disparity between what I know as an adult and what I felt as a child.

The feelings were so strong….at first I didn’t even want to connect with her.

I’m quite unsettled sharing this, and yet…..I want to. In some ways, if I share it, it becomes more real to me.

I find our minds to be so very, incredibly interesting.

Its so hard to switch from what we know as an adult to what we feel/felt as a child. And yet to recognize that what we felt/observed/experienced is still valid regardless of what the actuality is/was…..

For whatever reason, I felt like I was unworthy of love. I felt disgusting. I felt bad. I felt like, if anyone saw who I really was, then they would reject me. I felt like I had to continue to try to appear perfect, in order for people to accept me. I felt like failure was equivalent with rejection. I’ve continued to feel that in my experiences with people, all through out my life. It sucks.

In a lot of ways, it feels like I can’t trust myself. How do you merge these two “warring” sides of yourself? One side believes that you actually are a nice person worthy of love and acceptance; and at the same time, a part of me truly believes that I’m one slip/one step/one action away from being rejected because I’m so “bad”.

How is a 6 year old “bad”?

I can’t imagine looking at a young child and believing them to be truly evil.
I can’t imagine looking at my young children and rejecting them based on their actions.
I can’t imagine my children feeling so unacceptable and undesirable.

It just about destroys me to think that I felt like this….and yet…..I can’t remember not feeling like this and the feelings today were so intense……

It made me feel so sad for myself.

I hurt so incredibly much for the children that I see who are struggling. My own children, my nieces and nephews, our friends kids……..children at our local school….., at church….

So many of these, I’d venture to say ALL of these, kids just want to be loved and accepted, and they should be….in spite of any actions that people deem inappropriate….Sometimes, I just want to scream at the “adults”. I want to scream and rail at them, “can’t they see that these kids are trying their hardest?” They are doing the very best they can. Children want to do their best. If they are struggling, it’s probably because they don’t know what to do….and helping to teach them what to do (as opposed to focusing on what they are not to do), with love and compassion would go a whole lot further than getting angry with them.

It was a weird appointment, and I realize that I’m a bit all over the place….but it’s been a tough day.

I’m attempting to process through this. I’ll probably have more thoughts on it all, but at least I’ve started….

I’m trying to be ok with being in process….I like to start something and wrap it up and “finish” it…..but I think it needs to be ok to be “in process”….to be “working on things”….to not have to feel like if I don’t finish it right away that it’s useless or worthless….but to realize that I can start working on something and continue to work on it and that it’s ok to not be finished yet…..

hmmmm……..