It was a busy day today, full of little boys and big messes. That doesn’t typically allow me much space to process or think….
There were moments where I stopped and just took a breath, yesterday’s session weighing heavy on me, but not necessarily in a bad way………
I sat across from my counselor and had so many moments of insight into myself.
I made so many comments where something just “clicked”. It was such a bizarre moment in time. I’m trying desperately to remember it all because it seemed so…….sacred. It seemed like such a pivotal moment. Such an awareness…..of myself; an understanding of why I have thought the way I do. I don’t have answers as to why I felt so “bad” as a little girl. I don’t know that I ever will…..But I have to admit that I don’t ever remember feeling so disgusted with myself as I did during that session yesterday.
I’ve felt disappointed in myself. I’ve felt like I wasn’t good enough. I’ve felt like a fraud. I’ve felt like I had to try harder. I’ve felt ashamed….so ashamed…..and I didn’t know why.
I couldn’t figure out why I felt so “less than”….or “not good enough”…..or “unworthy”…..
Yesterday, I struggled with connecting with those feelings. It felt like I was aware of some inner pain, and yet I didn’t want to connect because it was too intense. I love how our brains work to protect ourselves so that we can carry on. Obviously, it would be better to deal with issues as they come up, but sometimes we can’t or just don’t know how to or even that we need to; and our bodies are created in such a way that it’s almost like our brains wrap a protective cocoon around the intensity of that moment to soften it so that we can carry on.
Imagine that you hurt your foot as a child and then wrapped it up tightly to keep it safe and from hurting, but then never took the tight bandages off as you grew up. You may have some discomfort, and your foot would even grow disfigured or maybe smaller and weaker than the other…..it didn’t need to be that way, but you didn’t know any better. You would grow older and know “how to walk”, but you might not be very good or very graceful at walking. In much the same way, emotionally….you may have areas that are weaker or stunted…or that never grow up in the same way that the rest of you grows up. You may have knowledge as an adult and be able to rationalize as an adult, but those wounded areas won’t be able to function as well as they could.
Sitting in my counselors office yesterday, I had the opportunity to connect with a part of myself and I didn’t want to. It was too strong, too intense and I was too scared. I felt like I was catching glimpses of it and these tiny moments of overwhelming feelings, and yet I found myself avoiding those feelings…using humor to escape the moment…..grounding myself in the present……and yet at the same time I was grasping to feel…..to be able to hold onto that moment because it felt like it was a key moment for me. I think it was….it is…..
I talked through that moment. I made statements that confused and astounded me because they were purely instinctual; and yet they tied my feelings perfectly into the person that I’ve become. They explained who I am now and why things are important to me. Things that I’ve not concretely thought through, made perfect sense. As I talked, I felt more, and more….and the depth of those feelings – well, lets just say that the only other time I remember feeling that intensely was when Nathaniel died. The grief was huge….like take your breath away huge. Like BLINDINGLY huge. Like you can’t possibly be in any more pain and still be alive, but you can’t possibly be dead because EVERY THING ACHES WITH SUCH INTENSITY!!!!
I’m sitting here on my couch with my laptop in my lap, still blown away at the intensity of those feelings from yesterday. I’m trying to wrap my head around how/what/why I would so intensely hate myself at such a young age. What could I have possibly done that I could have received that message? I’m very much aware that I most likely will never know and in the most surreal way possible, I’m mostly okay with that.
I sat there sensing this young girl, so filled with shame and disgust and my heart broke for her. My heart broke for me. My heart broke for any child who feels unloved and unaccepted; who feels like they are living just outside of what’s acceptable – and I guarantee that this is why….it’s because I felt like that as a child.
Inside of myself, I could see this young girl sitting on the floor hanging her head in shame. I scooped her up in my arms, and told her I loved her and that she was ok; and that she would grow up and find a man who would love her, unconditionally. They would have these amazing children who would have an incredible ability to love and accept others. That she would grow up to be loved and accepted by others…….and as I held her and spoke to her, she lifted up her head and looked up into me with amazement and wonder and I cradled her into myself.
It seems surreal. It sounds incredulous. It was both of those and more…….
What I know is that I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. I don’t feel like I’m in conflict with myself and that’s such a good thing. I’m not all fixed, or all better, or all done….but I’m in process and that’s such a good thing.
