The First Day…….

This is such a head trip.

Have we done the right thing? Have we done the wrong thing? Is is going to be okay? Will there be negative side effects? Will this be the absolute best thing in the world with AMAZING results? Will the dose be too small? What will today be like at school? Should we have done this sooner? Should we have not done it at all?

So many questions, and for right now, there are no clear and comforting answers.

We picked up the prescrition of Ritalin for Jeremy last night, and even that set off a whole ton of questions and concerns for us. We had figured that we’d be picking up a bottle of 5mg pills and that we’d start off with one pill for a few days, and then re-evaluate if he needed a mid-day dose or if it needed to be upped to 10mg, and that we’d go from there.

The bottle we picked up had 20mg of the Slow Release formulation.

It was unexpected, and after the day that I’d had – it just about sent me over the edge.

It was such a bad day, and I’m not sure why. I felt so insecure, and every encounter with every person that I ran into just exacerbated that feeling of inadequacy and insecurity. it was like I was the stupidest, uninformed, person alive. I felt like a huge burden and an even bigger inconvenience, and I couldn’t seem to pull myself together enough to handle even the stupidest, most meaningless tasks.

I couldn’t call the Pharmacy to see if the pediatrician had called in the script for Jeremy. I couldn’t call the school to tell them that we were going to be picking Geli and Jer up 15 mintues early because they had a Chiropractic appt. I gave Geli my Chiro appt because I couldn’t handle going to another appt and letting the Dr down (he told me to lose 10lbs and to go to a cardio core boot camp). I dropped off a test of Jeremy’s at the Natuopath’s office, and after talking with the receptionist – left feeling stupider than dirt….over something that I have a fair amount of knowledge about.

It was just absolutely overwheling.

And then, to top it all off, I ate almost a whole bag of chips by myself after all the kids were down for the night….talk about stress eating. I haven’t been that down for a VERY LONG TIME.

I’m feeling a bit better today, but the desire to hide and not talk to anyone is still quite strong, and that leads me to believe that I’m still not doing all that great. It has honestly been so long since I felt like this, that the feeling is almost foreign to me.

I recognize that I used to feel like this ALL THE FREAKING TIME and I’m so thankful that I don’t feel like this anymore. I do think that this is just the stress of it all, and that I’ll be okay soon.

It’s very to hard to explain how I’m feeling because I don’t feel like I’m in a hole, or even that I’m close to “the HOLE” but it’s more like a cloud settled down around me, and I’m waiting for the fog to burn off.

Jon talked to the principal at Jeremy’s school, yesterday….he is probably our biggest advocate. I mean, the Learning Assistance Teacher is also a huge advocate of Jeremy’s, but the principal is just amazing. UTTERLY AMAZING!

He asked that we not mention to anyone that Jeremy is on the drug, and because he sees Jeremy everyday in his reading group and other times through out the day, he’ll be able to get a good feel for how this week goes, and then at the end of the week, he’s going to talk to Jer’s teacher and see if she’s noticed any change at all….as well as the LA guy.

I can’t say that there was anything life shattering in a scary or positive way this morning. He wasn’t a zombie, and he seemed like his happy, lovable self….Jon thinks that he was maybe a bit more focused….for example….

…..Jeremy decided to clean the TV Room because he didn’t want Josiah to get hurt by any of the stuff in there(video games and cords, etc.). Geli called him away in the middle of it to see something in the front room…he went looked and came right back to cleaning up the TV Room….rinse, lather, repeat…..it happened twice….that’s two opportunities for distraction, and he was able to stay focused. I think that he’s done that before, but it certainly is the exception, and not the norm…..

….so, are we seeing into things because we’re watching for them or is this for real….

I guess we’ll find out eventually, won’t we.

I’m really hoping that we don’t end up dealing with any of the funky side effects, and only get the good and positive effects. That’s not too much to hope or ask for, is it?

Have any of you dealt with any of this? Any advice or suggestions? Things to be watching for or looking out for? Positive feedback or otherwise?

So, you are more than welcome to come along for this wide roller coaster ride as we travel the Ritalin Highway.

I’m hoping the pit stops are few and far between.