Breaking the Slump…

It’s been over a month….about a month…..just under a month….I dunno. It’s been a while.

I’ve come to this page so many times over the past few weeks and stared at it blankly – not sure what to say or where to start. It’s unreal how easy it can be to get “out of the habit” of writing. I have wondered if I’m just in a weird space or maybe just in a different place. Maybe I’m not needing this place……or maybe I need this place more than ever and I’m avoiding something that I need the most….I dunno.

A Ghost of MyselfI want to write here. I think about this space all the time. I open up my browser and look at the last entry and think about how guilty I feel that life is flying passed me and I’m not recording any of the details of it and that I’m going to regret that someday. I hate living life with regrets. I think about how I love being able to come here and say what I want….when I want to…about what I want. And then………I’m so tired and feel like whatever I have/want/need to say requires more effort than just not saying anything and so I do nothing. The words and thoughts are all still there…..but just running around inside my brain all messed up. It’s about as awesome as it sounds.

The end of 2009 has been fairly rough for me.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a sick person….and yet….I have been sick for what feels like FOREVER!

I got sick back in the beginning of October with what I’m certain was the swine flu and then basically since then my immune system has been shot. I’ve had one cough/cold/snot thing going on after another after another after another. I’ve had anywhere from 2 days to (I think the longest time of feeling well was) a week of respite, but other than that…its been one nasty germ filled fall/winter and it has completely taken me out mentally/emotionally and more certainly physically.

I’m SO looking forward to this whole “Flu Season” being over and to the warmth and brightness of the summer months. Unfortunately I have about 5-6 months until that season rolls around and as much as I’d like to cocoon myself and my family until then….it’s not possible and so – we soldier on.

I’d like to say that I’m gonna post more but I’m also horrified of lying to myself and to any of the 5 people left reading this sorry excuse for a place on the ‘NET. So, we’ll just leave it at……I’m hoping to FORCE myself to recap the holiday’s (’cause I know that’s EXACTLY what you were hoping I’d talk about, eh? But I promise that I’ll share some pics….aren’t pics worth it?) and maybe…just possibly…….I might be able to drum up the energy to bust myself outta this “slump of silence” and get back with my regularly scheduled blatherings.

I can hope right?!?

Weighing In on Myself

I haven’t updated my Monday morning weigh posts for…..I think it’s been 2 weeks now.

The thing is, I’m hovering between 190 and 191. I’m not losing but I’m not gaining. The fact of the matter is….I’m not really trying right now.

As I mentioned in the last post, there is a lot going on behind the scene and weight loss has taken a bit of a lower priority on the list for right now.

I’m not particularly unhappy with my size and shape. Yes, I could be a bit skinner and I could be a bit more toned, but I’m not particularly unhappy with myself. I have lost between 10-15 pounds since August and that’s great.

Yes, I have issues with the NUMBER of my weight, because seriously, who wants to be almost 200 pounds.

Ah, that is one of “THOSE THINGS” that I’m trying to deal with.

So, I will not be doing any more Monday morning weigh in’s in the near future. I might pick it up again in the future, ya know to keep myself accountable or maybe I’ll do a once a month weigh-in. I dunno. I’m thinking about it. I’ll get back to you. I know that you’re just sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for an update about my weight. It’s what’s been keeping you going on those nasty Monday mornings, isn’t it? Ha HA!

But, that is where I am at with that! We’ll see if I’m singing a different tune after I’m done with all the Holiday eating!

Neglect and Terror

I’ve badly neglected this “blog” of mine. Things have been busy around here and my life has felt at times like it had a mind of it’s own. It’s not true, of course, and we’ve made some choices that have led us into being this busy and we know that it’s only for a time and well, of all the things that could get neglected and still be around to come back to when things settled down…..this was the one thing that ended up “giving”.

I’m not exactly certain that I have a ton more time right now, but I’m gonna try because this is a great place for me to get my thoughts out. I’ve found that when I can get things in my life out here, that I can organize and keep my brain “clean and clutter free”. Things get out of hand mentally for me when I allow everything to become one giant mess of spaghetti all tangled up inside my brain. It’s much better to just sort things out and this seems to be a great place for me to do that.

It’s also a place to share funny or amusing things about our family and kids. It’s a great way to share “those amusing little stories” with my family without having to repeat the story 45 times. (Yes, I am from a big family.)

For example, this past weekend – we were terrorized. (Understand that I’m using the word “terrorized” with creative license and that while it wasn’t terror, I was definitely scared by the behaviour exhibited toward us. In my opinion, it was completely uncalled for, after all, we’re nice people. {Even bigger issue, no one should be treated like this, in my opinion})

On Saturday afternoon, we decided to run out to the store to pick a few things up. Xandra wanted to go to her friends house to “practice” for a debate they are having soon. We hadn’t dropped her off at this friends house before and so we had her get the address for us.

We piled into the car and drove off. We drove through an intersection, up over an overpass and right at the bottom of the overpass there were 3 guys in yellow safety vests standing in a huddle chatting. Jon briefly glanced at the paper with the address on it. We needed to turn left at either the next street or the one just after it.

This tough looking cop with an old gnarled face and a nasty sneer forcefully steps out in front of our van points directly at us and with one finger motions us over to the pull out off of the side of the overpass. I am literally shocked, because I can’t for the life of me figure out what we could have possibly done wrong, and his face and body language say that we are in “SERIOUS TROUBLE!”

We are ANAL about the kids being in their car seats and about everyone wearing their seat belts. We don’t have lights out or anything wrong with the van……I cannot fathom why we have just been pulled over.

This cop stomps over to Jon’s side of the van, aggressively leans into the window and with an angry voice demands his license and registration. Jon gets them with a “Yes, Sir” and hands them over politely. The cop roughly takes them from Jon and says that he’ll be back.

He walks over to the other 2 cops who are standing around and chats for a minute. Then he walks over to his vehicle, gets in and I assume checks Jon’s driving record.

He comes back within 5 minutes. I’m still shocked and confused and wondering what we’ve done and how the crap we are going to pay for whatever we are gonna get charged for because this guy obviously has it out to “get” someone.

He walks over to the van a COMPLETELY different person. Almost sheepishly, he grins at Jon and hands him his license and registration back. As he does, he says…..”Do you know that you have a PERFECT driving record?” Jon smiles and says, “Yes, Sir! Yes, I do.” The cop is all smiles and nice and being almost friendly with us. He reaches across Jon to hand me his business card. He mentions that he has the right to write Jon a $385 ticket for “Driving without Due Care and Attention“, and that he legally has a year to write the ticket. He then goes on to say that he expects Jon to take the family out to a dinner to the place of my choosing because we won’t possibly eat more than $385 at a restaurant and that is what Jon has to do as “punishment” for his crime. If he doesn’t, then I am to call and he’ll write Jon a ticket.

INSANE!

Then he sends us on our way with a cheerful admonishment that in the future, Jon should let me look at the paper and he should stick to driving.

I honestly think that he looked at Jon and judged that he was a punk. Jon was wearing a hoody and his jean jacket. He looks like he’s mid to late 20’s and had a bandanna on to pull his hair back. It was amazing to see how the cops behaviour changed once he looked at Jon’s record.

I am still shocked at how wild the personality change was from the initial aggressive scare tactic behaviour to the friendly, almost cheerful banter he left us with.

Even though the outcome was not bad, the whole situation left a bad taste in my mouth. Why could he not just have been polite the whole way through? Regardless of whether or not Jon had a perfect driving record or not, Why did everything change after he saw Jon’s record. Jon briefly glanced at a sheet of paper for an address. He was able to see the cops. He was able to assess the situation. He saw the cop step out in front of him. He didn’t even have to jerk the brakes to slow down. He was in control and we were all safe 100% of the time. We weren’t tailgating the guy in front of us nor were we driving too slow and putting the people behind us at risk.

It was a very weird situation and one I’m hoping that we NEVER repeat.

One day it might be funnier than it feels now, and yet – there are aspects of it all that I don’t find funny in the slightest and I don’t think that I ever will. I hold it as a high value to treat others with respect and this felt so absurdly disrespectful in so many ways.

Monday Weigh-In

Well, it’s past Monday morning, although I did weigh myself this morning….I just haven’t had the time to post yet.

I’m down to 190.2lbs from 190.6lbs….so not a big drop, but a drop nonetheless.

I had some running around to do this morning and now Siah is napping and I really have a ton of things to accomplish this afternoon.

My biggest question at this exact moment, is “How am I going to get to my exercise class this evening?”

Gelica is doing a French Presentation at the School Board Office tonight for parents who are thinking about putting their children into either the Early French Immersion or into the Late French Immersion Program.

Jon is going to take her to that at 7pm. My class tonight is as 6pm, and I should be home by 7:45pm, but what to do with the other 3 kiddos in the hour that both he and I are gone. I could probably ask my mother if she’d watch them for an hour…..Hmmmmm!

Gotta figure this one out. I’m still trying to exercise a couple of times a week. It’s not my favorite, but I do enjoy the class once I get going……USUALLY!

Well, I did plan out the menu for this week already and I’ll post that quickly.

Monday – Salmon, Rice and Steamed Veggies

Tuesday – Taco’s

Wednesday – Homemade Chicken Soup and Biscuits

Thursday – Chicken Stirfry over Rice Noodles

Friday – Nacho’s

Saturday – Pasta with a Chicken Cream Sauce

Sunday – Lasagna

This is a busy week, and Jon’s going away hunting on Thursday night, so it’ll be just me and the kids until Sunday night. Should be a fun, action packed weekend.

Do you have any fun plans for this week or weekend?

Another Monday Morning Weigh-In

And yet another Monday has rolled around.

I really wasn’t sure what to expect this morning when I got on the scale.

On one hand, I was sure that my weight was up but there is always that slim-to-none chance that encourages you to hope that for once…..just for once that things go your way….

I only managed to make it out to my exercise class twice last week, so that was already working against me and then…….I went to a Ladies Retreat this weekend and at this particular camp they have the MOST AMAZING FOOD.

Now, I was good. I called ahead and talked to the head cook and asked for a dairy free, wheat free, red meat free diet. It wouldn’t have killed me to eat all the garbage delicious food that they would have been offering, but I knew that physically – I would be a lot more comfortable sticking to what I’ve been doing, and really who needs extra gas when you are sharing a small room with 4 other women.

Even so, this camp is SO accommodating and the specialty meals that they prepared were DELICIOUS. I did not lose out in any way. They even offered a special dessert with lunch and dinner.

So, like I said, I had no clue what to expect this morning, but……I stepped on the scale and it read 190.6 pounds.

YAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

I am down another 1.2 pounds. If you had seen the food this weekend, you’d be amazed that I still lost. It was that good!

Today is a bit of a rest day for me. It’s been about a month that I’ve been sick and while I’m starting to feel better, I think that this weekend pushed me a little more than I was really ready for. I’ll be taking it easy today and spending some time on my couch. I do want to actually prepare a meal plan for this week and I will be going into work tomorrow AND there is an evening meeting tomorrow night as well….UGH! I’m thankful that Wednesday is a holiday.

Well, my littlest man is rummaging through the fridge ad so I gotta go before he opens up all the salad dressing and rubs the “creamies” into his legs……

Updates x 2

Well, it’s that time again….Time for the Monday morning weigh-in.

And……drum roll please………

Okay, lets just all remember that it was the week leading up to Halloween and that Halloween landed on a Saturday and how are you supposed to work with that…and well……

I lost weight!

YAH!

I am down to 191.8lbs. That’s 2 lbs down from last week. I’m getting there slowly. It doesn’t help that I’m still not feeling 100%. This has been the WORST couple of weeks. From when I got sick on Thanksgiving…I think that I’ve had a total of 3 days that I felt okay….the rest have been varying degrees of suckage.

Oh well, I think I am starting to feel better, but the kids seem to keep spreading the germs around like they’re something to be shared. Geli had a fever yesterday, and looks like she’s not doing so hot today and is coughing, but no fever….WEIRD!!! Jeremy and Siah are hacking up a lung and as you can imagine…that’s not a pretty sight!

I really want to just feel better and to have ONE of my at home days with no (okay, just Siah) children. They are feeling “just okay enough” to not be confined to their beds….but I can’t send them to school. Not Cool, people! NOT COOL!

Alrighty then……enough whining and moaning about all of that…….

Hey! How about an update on my dad?

It was so nice of me to just throw that bit of news out there and then to not update on anything…..

He is doing great….actually he’s better than great. Apparently, having your cornea cookie cutter-ed out of your eye ball is NO BIG DEAL AT ALL!

In fact, when I was talking to dad a few hours after the surgery….he was all cheery and peppy and it was almost a treat for him to have his eye ball massacred. In fact, NO LIE….he said that it was better than going to the dentist. While I’m not a huge fan of the dentist, I can’t fathom how having a giant needle poked into your eye ball and shot up with freezing….having your eye lids pried open with retractor’s….having a ring sewn onto your eye and then a razor sharp cookie cutter pressed down and twisted onto your eye to removed the cornea….yah…I think I’ll stop right there because I’m grossing myself out and I’ve already heard about it a few times…..so I should be desensitized to it all.

So, the long and the short of it is that he’s doing great….better than great. His eye looks a little creepy, but what can you expect when they “Frankenstein” you up.

I will warn you to NOT look at this picture if you are squeamish…….YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

Dad’s Eye!

If you look closely, you can see all the little stitches…..pretty cool, eh?

Hawk Eye

Hawk Eye….this is a look that my father has perfected. My second child, Xandra has also perfected this look and I can usually pull a mean “Hawk Eye” from time to time as is necessary.

However, today, right now….as in this moment…. my Dad is being wheeled into surgery.

He is having a cornea transplant.

If you would, could you pray?

While this is not an emergent surgery, we’ve really had enough surgeries and hospital visits over the past few years, and we’d love for this surgery to go as absolutely smooth as possible with amazing healing after it’s all over.

Thanks so much for your support and love.

Addressing the Issue of Size……

I thought that I could say something about myself and my size.

I’ve gotten a few comments about how I look good or about how someone would never have guessed that I weigh what I weigh and it got me thinking…...and as it goes, I’m going to share what I’m thinking…..who wouldda guessed that, eh?

I am not a small person.

I have NEVER been a small person……well, maybe when I was a baby, but other than that….

When I was 12 years old, I grew 6 inches over one summer landing me at 5 foot 8 inches tall by the end of that summer. I weighed 120 pounds and modeled for a few years after that. I wasn’t fat or overweight, in fact I was thin……but I am (and was) a BIG person.

Now, I am 5 foot 10 inches and currently I weigh 193.8 lbs. I come from a big family. There are big bones on both sides of my heritage. I managed to get size in my genetic make up. I carry the weight well and fairly evenly distributed….I’d prefer that I have a little less in the truck and a little more up top (if ya know what I mean) but for the most part I’m not completely depressed by how I look….for someone who’s has a million children…..or ya know 4.

I am a big person. It’s taken some time, but for the most part I am comfortable being a big person.

It was difficult as a teenager. I won’t lie. And I struggled with feeling like “Ginormica” compared to the majority of my friends and especially my mother and sisters…..they’re petite! But I came to realize that there was nothing I could do to change my size and that I could be miserable about something that I couldn’t change or I could accept that it was who I am and carry on with life.

There are aspects of being a tall, big boned person that I like. I can hide a few extra pounds on my frame. I am strong. I can reach things in high places without needing help or even a stool.

Obviously, there are things that I don’t like about my size…..I’m not a big fan of the “number” of my weight. I don’t like feeling like I’m taller than all my girlfriends. I hate shopping because most pants are floods and those in the “tall girl” section have a rise in the crotch that makes the waist band sit right under my armpits. It’s a HAWT look!

But, for the most part I’m fairly happy with myself. I would like to lose some weight. Ideally, I’m about 20 pounds heavier than I’m could be, but honestly, I’m totally okay with weighing 180-185 lbs. I weighed 170-175 lbs when I got married and was by no means “large” at that point. I feel stronger and healthier when I weigh a little bit less than I do now. I’m not looking to be super model thin. I am completely realistic with myself and my size.

I currently wear size 11-15 pants depending on the cut, style and fabric. I wear a Medium to Large Shirt. I wear a size 10 shoe.

I am just a big person.

I see Angelica who is 12 years old walking the “big girl” road and I’m doing everything in my power to help her LOVE who she is.

It helps that I’m bigger than her…….for now! It helps that there are WAY more girls out there nowadays who are bigger and taller. It’s more normal now for girls to reach 6 feet tall and to have size 12 feet. It was brutal when I was 12/13 years old walking into a shoe store HOPING and PRAYING that they’d have even just 1 pair of a size 10 shoe and that it wasn’t too ugly. Now, It’s awesome to walk into shoe stores and to see size 11 and 12 ladies shoes and the variety and quantity. Not that I need that size, but if my girls do….no problems. It helps that I know what it feels like to be a big person.

I am a BIG person and I’m working on being as healthy as I can be.

I want to model good exercise habits for my kids. I want to teach them to eat well. I don’t want to see them sucked into the whole “I need to diet to be thin and acceptable” garbage. I want them to be aware of themselves in a healthy positive way. I want to teach them to be responsible for their health. I want them to love themselves for who they are and not for their size.

And so, I am working on myself because I believe that modeling healthy positive ways to live, eat and exercise is one of the best ways that I can train my children….and I think it’s working!

A Few Steps Behind

So, I am sick, AGAIN!

And I’m so frustrated about it already.

First we had that stupid flu for a week…..then I felt better for almost a week and then managed to pick up some stupid cough/congestion thingy. It sucks! Actually to say it sucks is putting it mildly.

And now Geli has the flu…..she’s been out since Saturday….it’s awesome. She’s normally a bit of a grouchy person and right now she is 100 times grouchier than normal….which makes for some AWESOME, AMAZING times at our house.

With me feeling like my head is full of 1,000 pounds of glue and that the glue is slowly oozing down into my lungs and suffocating me and no amount of coughing is helping to clear it away not feeling well, I’m not as “on top of it” as I normally am.

The house is a bit messier and I still have not come up with a meal plan for the week. We had a pork roast last night and I do have a lasagna in the freezer (Crap! I gotta go and pull that sucker out to defrost……be right back…………DONE!) and if we continue along with our “normal Wednesday meal of Soup, then I guess I have up to tomorrow planned. Although before right this moment, all I knew that I was thinking about doing the lasagna tonight as it required no effort on my part….

I still have to come up with something for the rest of the week, AND we desperately need to go shopping, but that’s the LAST THING that I feel like doing……..maybe Jon’ll go when he comes home from work tonight? We need stuff for the kids to take for lunches…..GLURG!

I hate feeling like this.

I hate seeing my house untidy.

I hate feeling like I’m behind on things.

I hate feeling just slightly out of control.

I hate feeling so stinking tired (and like an elephant is sitting on my head.)

I can’t wait to start to feel normal again.

Alright, so now that I’ve complained so much – I’m reminded of the whole “attitude of gratitude” thing and I’m determined to find something to be thankful for…….gimmee a minute…..

……..or two………

……..or three………

……..or four………….

Alrighty….well, that took longer than I’d have liked, and I really struggled to find something to be thankful for in the middle of these circumstances, but right now….

I’m thankful to be sitting here in my beautiful house (albeit a tiny bit messy) with the GLORIOUS SUN FLOODING IN MY BIG WINDOWS. The atmosphere in my house feels so alive and yet peaceful at the same time. I’m thankful that I have the opportunity to enjoy the sun shining into my house and on me today.

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I could be working. It could be raining. It could be a lot worse than it is right now….but for now……I’m thankful.

Alright, I’m off to figure out the rest of the week’s food and to consider what else I am thankful for.

What are you thankful for today?

Another Monday Morning Weigh-In

Well, I normally dread these Monday morning weigh-ins and yet this weekend……not so much!

And wouldn’t you know it, for all of my not dreading it…..I gained weight this week. How’s that for fun?

The scale showed a clear 193.8…..that’s UP 1.6 pounds from last week.

While I’m not happy about that – I’m also not devastated. I’m still exercising (4 times this week) and I’d guess that I just need to be a little more aware of what I put in my mouth this week.

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I will get “there”. In my mind, “there” means healthy and happy with myself. That’s what I’m working on….. While at times it may seem like an uphill battle, every positive choice that I make takes me one step closer to that goal.

I think that for me, one thing that I’m learning is that it’s all about choices and consequences. If I choose to eat healthy and to exercise, I’ll reap the rewards that lifestyle brings. On that other hand, I am also responsible for the choices to eat crap and to take a day (or two or three or so) off exercising.

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While once in a while “treats” are okay – it really needs to be once in a while, and not “the norm”. I think I’m learning…..slowly….oh so slowly. It’s not that I’ve not known this in the past, but I’ve just not really accepted it or lived my life as if these rules applied to me. Like I said, I’m learning…..

I don’t really see a big difference between these photos and the previous ones, but that’s okay. I’m feeling good and I know that I’ve lost 10 lbs and for right now…..that’s good. It will come. I will be healthy. I believe it.