Day 5 – February 18

I was disappointed that yesterday morning didn’t feel as peaceful or calm as the day before. I’m not sure what alternate reality I was living in…… It’s not like peaceful and calm mornings have ever been “normal” around here. I’m also not sure how much of the peacefulness had to do with my own personal sense of calm as opposed to the reality of what the morning was…..regardless, I managed to get up before 7am AGAIN…..and get everyone off to school with a minimum amount of chaos.

The Therapy brushes that I had ordered from School Specialty arrived and the boys each got brushed a few times. Dinner time actually went pretty smoothly. Again, I’m unsure if the brushing had anything to do with that or not, but I’m not going to complain about it. I had meant to brush the boys again before they went to bed, but after dinner……I ran upstairs and changed into running gear and headed out while Jon took the boys through the bedtime routine. So, that didn’t happen….and I didn’t ask Jon how bedtime went…..so really nothing to report on that front….not even sure why I mentioned it……….. oh well.

Yesterday was a MUCH better day for me in regards to anxiety….in the fact that I really didn’t feel anxious about anything. Yay for small victories….It was also a WAY better walk/run than my Sunday night one. My pace was faster. I ran more….and it felt pretty good overall. YAY ME!

I find this whole process to be intriguing. I am questioning why I do things and how my thoughts are affecting me both positively and negatively. I’m so aware of negative behaviours and becoming more aware of what the positive behaviours feel like.

For example, the whole “weighing” issue. I’ve been so focused on weight, particularly weight loss. And I’ve allowed the number on the scale to influence my overall happiness and sense of being. Don’t get me wrong, I catch myself wanting to know the number, too many times throughout the day. BUT……not knowing it and choosing to not weigh myself is actually quite freeing. I’ve read about others doing this and thought to myself that if I didn’t weigh myself then I wouldn’t have the motiviation to keep going. That it was nice that others could just put away the scale, but that would NEVER work for me. I think it all comes back to fear. Fear of failure. Fear that if I just gave up the “control(of the numbers dictating my efforts)” that I would spiral out of control.

Fear and control….I hate those two things. So much of my life has been consumed and run by fear and control….and really, the control is all about fear….so the root of it all……is fear.

fearlessly

Jon gave me this sign almost a year ago and I really loved it, but just being aware of how much fear has been an issue for me…….it makes it so much more important and special to me.

I came home from my walk/run yesterday and briefly thought about the scale. I quickly dismissed the thought, and realized that the dread and panic (that I typically feel right before I step on the scale) just kind of dissolved. It was very bizarre. I realized how much negativity that act has on my life. I really like NOT feeling like that……and so I carry on. One foot in the front of the other. Making choices. Being aware. Attempting to focus on the good and allowing the negative to just float on past me. It’s not easy, but I feel good.

Day 4 – February 17

Yesterday was a bit of a hard day for me.

It was an “at home” day and I find that unless I am super busy, then the “noise” seems to be louder on those days. It’s like there is too much time to “think” about things.

My biggest worry – my health…….every little ache or pain seems intensified. I spend a HUGE amount of effort talking “reality” to myself. The “cancer fear” seems huge. I hate it. I hate that Geli was sick for a while before we knew and by the time we found out….she was really sick. So, little things swirl around inside of my head and become huge things.

I know it’s anxiety.

I hate it.

The exchange goes something like this….

That feels “off”….hmmm, that’s weird. I remember feeling that before. I wonder if it’s serious.

Of course it’s not, that just the anxiety talking.

But how much do I discount, and what if I discount something serious because I think it’s just anxiety.

Ok, so now you are having anxiety about having anxiety….that’s messed up.

I know. I’m fine……………right?

Of course you are. Remember, you brought it up the last time you were at the Dr and he explained it.

I know, but we can’t see “inside” of me and what if……

What are the “what if’s” going to do to help you?

……………Nothing….I know………, but this is just so hard.

I wish I could just turn my brain off.

And this goes on and on….

Except that when I am busy…..I can entirely forget that there had even been an issue…that is, until I remember, AGAIN….at which point, it cycles around again.

It’s messed up.

So I go to bed and wake up the next morning and……….I’m fine. And then I have a busy day and……….I’m fine. And then I have another tough day………..and in reality, I’m still fine.

Which is why I (mostly) believe that I AM FINE.

I’m thinking I might need to go back to my trauma counselor and have a session dealing with this……..

I remember dealing with a very mild form of this before Geli was sick, but it’s been just stupid intense since Geli was diagnosed with cancer………

Other than the anxiety….it was a fairly good day. Yesterday morning, getting out of bed at 6:45am really helped with the insanity of the morning situation. It felt like a really calm morning….which is odd ’cause we don’t have too many of those.

We even had a Team Meeting between Jeremy’s two schools and it went fabulously. He really is doing well. it’s not easy. It’s never easy, but it’s nice to hear that he’s doing well, as opposed to hearing that there is something wrong. I’ve had way too many of those meetings. I will be thrilled if I never have another one, but I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Do you struggle with anxiety? Any tips on dealing with the intruding thoughts? Have you found a way to “turn it off”?