I don’t know if you remember, but fairly recently, I talked about how trauma can have some long term affects.
I was saddened and disappointed to see yet another wave rippling through the family this past weekend.
In some ways it’s a good thing (I’ll get to that) and yet it’s still so hard to see those you love hurting.
When we lost Nathaniel, each of us grieved very differently. I worried about Angelica the most through those sad, dark days because where Xandra was open and expressive with her grief – Geli really didn’t say too much. Yes, she cried (we all cried). Yes, she asked questions. Yes, she hugged and needed hugs; but there was a huge part of her that was quiet. It felt like she was grieving from about 20 percent of herself and that she had closed off and turned inside the rest of herself.
I knew that eventually she would talk and share and that as long as we kept the lines of communication open that she would eventually work through what she needed to work through.
Last week, Xandra was in my room and we were getting ready for the day and she sat down on my bed and said, “I really miss Nathaniel. It’s funny, mom. How can I miss someone that I never knew?” Man, that little girl has some deep, DEEP thoughts swirling around in side of her.
I said that I missed him, too. Then we talked about how she misses the idea of him. That she had already had a little brother and that she knows what it is to have a little brother and now with Siah being a baby – it makes that loss even more tangible as he can represent the baby brother that we didn’t get to have. Just like she always has, she grieved deeply and then rebounded and headed on her way to finish getting ready for the day.
I wondered what had reminded her of Nathaniel, as there hadn’t really been anything that stood out…..and then just like her – I let it go and continued to get ready.
Geli came into see me yesterday as we were trying to get ready for church. She put a project that she had been working on early this year onto my bathroom counter. They had to draw a self portrait and then write a poem about herself. One half of their face was a literal drawing and the other half was to be more symbolic. She did a great job of the project and got 100% on it.
I was quite surprised to see the poem, though, and will copy it here for you. It is probably the most open and honest that she’s been and there is a good chance that I’ll get her to work through her emotions this way a bit more in the future. This also explains a bit more about her, because she’s been holding all of this inside. It’s a HUGE LOAD for a little girl to be carrying and I was so happy to read the poem because it enabled us to have a really good talk about her emotions and feelings and fears. I was also so saddened by the poem because she has been carrying all this inside even though I’ve tried repeatedly to talk to her about Nathaniel and how it all affects her. It’s hard to think that she’s been scared for the past 4 years. That just hurts so bad. I wish I could take that pain and fear away and I know that I can’t and I also know that how she deals with all of this will help to define her as a person. I just hate to see my babies hurting.
Happy but Sad
I am happy but sad
I wonder how people live and die
I hear my brother talking to me
I see my brother walking to me after school
I want my brother who died
I am happy but sad
I pretend I still have my brother
I feel my brother sitting on my lap
I touch my brother
I worry that another sibling will die
I cry when I remember my brother, Nathaniel
I am happy but sad
I understand that things happen
I say I’m fine……but….
I dream about my brother
I try not to think of Nathaniel too much
I hope that my other siblings will not die
I am happy but sad.
By Angelica
Age 11
Winter/Spring 2009
In the first paragraph she’s talking about Jeremy and Siah and Nathaiel…she not crazy and seeing Nathaniel…..just wanted to clear that up.
The line about hoping that none of the other brothers or sisters die…that one just gets me in the gut. I don’t want them to die either and I have these tiny little moments of irrational fear sometime. Mostly for Siah and then I have to go in and check on him to make sure that he’s still breathing. I hate that about myself. But, for the most part, I know that I cannot keep my kids from dying and I also know that I would survive and that I would carry on. I hate even thinking about that, and even more, I hate that I know that.
But, these are just the ripples of Nathaniel’s death still spreading out and touching us. I’m thankful that it’s not as intense as the early days, nor does it hit quite so hard as it did initially, but it still hurts…..for all of us.
AWWWWW holding you all in my prayers and love…momma