Category: Life

The Long Cry Home (this one’s all about me)

I drove away from the hospital yesterday afternoon bawling.

I had my newborn along with me in the back of the van, a freak load of stuff that we’d collected over the week and half that we’d already been in the hospital, my labor and delivery bag and Judah’s new born bag…..oh, and WAY TOO MUCH GARBAGE on the floor of the van…..not cool!

The baby was crying and I was crying, the weather was grey and icky and it almost matched my mood. Had it been raining hard – the scene woulda been straight out of a movie.

We’ve been through some tough stuff in our lives, and I’m not sure if it’s the combination of everything or just the immediacy of it all, but honestly, this feels like the worst thing that we’ve gone through….even tougher than losing Nathaniel or having Chris almost die……

I’ve never questioned the “Why’s” before, but I’ll admit that it’s been harder and harder to push those thoughts from my head.

I’m doing better today than I was yesterday, but this is not easy.

I think I knew in my heart that the likely hood of us all going home together was steadily declining, but I hoped….OH HOW I HOPED. I was so grateful to the hospital for allowing me to stay over Saturday night, as I really needed that extra day to prepare myself to leave the hospital by myself…..I wasn’t really acknowledging that was our reality, but I think that somewhere deep down in side me – I knew…..

And…..it sucked every bit as bad as I knew it would…..

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Life’s not always easy or happy but we carry on….

You don’t have a baby and expect to spend the first 3 days mostly by yourself…….knowing that every time you selfishly want your husband with you that it means that your other baby is then alone. Or the rest of the time sitting in a room in the Oncology ward watching your firstborn puking after being filled with life saving poison…….. This whole motherhood thing…while some parts of it come easy to me – other parts are so SO difficult. I want to be with Geli. I want to comfort her. I want to help her. I am her mother. I am in tune with her. I know when she’s hurting and trying to suck it up and right now……I’m an hour away from her and can’t do ANYTHING. But, being with her means that I’m leaving my other babies who are not doing so well with all of this either, and so I have to make the worse choices….I have to choose…..Sometimes, having to make choices……SUCKS!

We are all on edge and hurting and confused and nothing about this is easy.

Xani lost it hard last night. Which was AWESOME and horrid. And to be honest….I envy her the meltdown. I want to scream and wail and fall apart and yet I’m scared that if I do – I won’t be able to pull myself back together to be there for the kids and Jon and Geli and we still have a ways to go until we are re-united as a family and until then…..I’m holding down the fort over here and….well….I’m not even sure where to go with this……

I’m upset.

I keep thinking that Jon is going to be missing our son’s first month of life. I wonder if I’m strong enough to handle all of this on my own. I lean so heavily on Jon for so many things. I miss him so bad. I hate not being there for Geli. I hate feeling so all over the place like this. I feel SO EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE.

I cried and whimpered my way home from the hospital, but as I rounded the corner to our street, a HUGE WAILING SOB tore itself from the core of me….the sheer intensity of it scared me and I was too close to home to allow it all to escape and so I stuffed it back down….unhealthy I know, but it is coming out…..I’d probably do better to just go for it, but for now….I’m leaking it out.

For those who prayed for me yesterday, I was able to hold it together while at the hospital in front of Geli, but she’s not a stupid kid….we were all a bit bummed yesterday.

And today, I acknowledge what I felt yesterday. I know I still need to process through some of the tough, core emotions, but I’m trying to stay present…..even minute by minute if necessary. We had to do this with Xandra this morning…..don’t look at the whole day, just the next task on the list….just make your lunch and then we’ll see how you’re feeling…..then eat breakfast and we’ll re-evaluate the whole idea of going to school this morning after that……and taking things minute by minute (and after a good conversation with Daddy) she headed off to school this morning…..and that is a little how my day is going too.

Right now I’m using this as a bit of therapy….being able to take all those thoughts in my head and acknowledge them, write them out and then try to let them go.

Then I need to make a list of things I need around the house and then figure out what to send to Geli.

Then I’m going to look at my e-mail inbox….that thought alone is scary…..let alone actually tackling the actual task. (Your support has been amazing by the way, and I am am so SO thankful).

After that….well, Jeremy has a play at school that I need to go to, and then we’ll just see…..One minute at a time, if necessary.

(I have a bit of a disclaimer for any who might have started reading recently. I’m honest – for the most part – on this website. By the phrase – …..honest, for the most part – I mean that I don’t share everything that goes on in our lives. I’m open about a lot of things, but by no means are any of the posts on this website a clear indication of EVERYTHING that is going on in our lives or inside my head space. It’s a “piece” of the whole….a glimpse of who I am and what I’m going through and by extension, who our family is and what they are going through. I’m sharing bits of myself with you and I’m not unwise. This is a tough time in my life and I’m expressing some of what I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I’m very aware of my mental health and although I seem to be a bit emotionally unstable at this exact moment, I will continue to monitor where I’m at and to listen to my close family and health care professionals regarding my mental health. I’m not asking for advice or input in this area. I’m merely allowing a piece of the trauma and pain of this time in our lives to be open and “out there”. I will be okay. I am okay. Please don’t feel that it’s your job to carry me. I am carried through this and we will make it through this. I know this.

I know that I know that I know that I know….that we will make it through this….sometimes, in life, our feelings don’t always line up with the knowledge that lives in the very core of our being and sometimes you just need to acknowledge the pain and hurt so that you can then, let it go.

This space is an amazing place for me. I can process. i can vent. I can share information. I can be silly. I can be happy or sad…..this website is just a glimpse or a small extension of myself……I’m happy to let you be a part of this, but if you are wondering how to “help me”……I’ll just let you know that your love, support, care, encouraging words…mean so much. You don’t have to fix me…..or make me aware of where I’m at…..I promise. I have ones to do that for/with me. The biggest thing you can do is to love and encourage….and you have done so MARVELOUSLY! For that, I thank you! I don’t know if you’ll ever know the full extent that your love and care, support and encouragement have helped. I read and re-read your comments. They come in at the perfect time and sometimes inspire tears or laughter……but always comfort and love.

Thank you so much for walking along side of me (and us) as we travel this road and although it seems to feel at times like we are walking on loose gravel, I know that the shoes I’m wearing are more than adequate to be able to handle the terrain on this road and that irregardless, I have many hands to grasp onto should I feel tired or like I’m stumbling.

Once again, I say……

Thank You!

You are amazing!)

We want to go home

I’ve walked the hallway from Children’s Hospital to Women’s Hospital more than 50 times in the last two days. It’s been such a blessing to have both Patti and Geli on the same floor, just down the hall from each other, but at the same time it’s been a hassle.

Geli had a “bad” day yesterday. She was “NPO” which means no food or water from the midnight before and then was taken downstairs for another bone marrow biopsy and then a Lumbar Puncture (an LP is a hole made in the back to get some spinal fluid so they can do a biopsy on that.) For the procedures she was sedated and then received an anesthetic, and a side effect can be nausea. Then she received more chemo (there are multiple forms of chemo that attack different things), which also causes nausea. So yesterday afternoon she had a slight fever, nausea and was throwing up.

There is also the risk that she has picked up an infection somewhere and the symptoms of that are… nausea and fever. (hence the post from yesterday.) There is a magic number of 38.5 C. If her temp goes above 38.5 then we get an automatic treatment of antibiotics and 10 more days in hospital. She stayed below, albeit just below and has been feeling better today, but she hasn’t completely rebounded. She had a few tests today and everything was within an acceptable range, but they are still monitoring her. If there is a fever that develops then our chances of going home soon are gone.

We are asking for serious prayer that she has NO INFECTIONS, that her temp stabilizes, blood sugar stabilizes and that she is able to eat and drink normal amounts. Patti has just about stayed as long as she will be allowed in the maternity ward and really does not want to go home to 3 kids with a newborn and no husband to help.

Please pray.

It’s my Party and I’ll Cry if I want to

I’m sitting in my room over in BC Women’s Hospital on the labour & delivery ward.

Judah and me are hanging out over here, while Geli and Jon are down the hall at Children’s, in the Oncology Ward.

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We’ve been over with Geli for a good bit of today and then resting while she was gone for her Bone Marrow biopsy and Spinal Fluid Tap and right now we’re just hanging low over here for a moment.

Today has been an “icky” day for Gelica and a “crying” day for me.

Between the excitement of the past few days, chemo treatment, tests, and wacked out sugar levels, Angelica had a barfy, yucky, nasty day……..she’s had no fever though and right now, her blood levels are within normal range – so for that we are so SO thankful.

I’m hitting the end of Judah’s second day of life and facing the lovely hormonal changes that brings. Add on top of that – very little sleep, a leukemia diagnosis, a week of stress and the looming unknown and you have a sure fire recipe for tears.

I’ve cried off and on today and feel some of the built up pressure has released, but I still feel like I could use a really good cry. Just to release all the pressure that’s built up since my last good cry about a week ago.

I hate this. This is nothing that I ever imagined for my daughter, for our immediate family, for our extended family…….it was unfathomable, until now………

I hurt for her. I hurt for Jon. I hurt for my other kids. I hurt!

I look back at some of the little life lessons that I learned over the last year and see how I can use those lessons in my life now.

Probably the biggest one with the HUGEST impact on me………..I learned through this past year in my exercise class!

Stay in the present!

You can handle just about anything that’s in front of you right now. It’s when you race beyond into the future that you can be overwhelmed. I can handle today. Tomorrow I will have the strength that I need to get through that day. If I try to imagine or figure out or plan for the next week or so, or month or 6 months from now…..its too much! The unknown is too great and overwhelming.

So today, I cry and I process and I hope and I cry some more.

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In the middle of my tears, I am aware of some blessings. I am off my feet, even if they have swollen up to elephant size again. I have some amazing quiet, one on one time with my newborn. I’m still with my “baby” even if I’m sleeping down the hall from her. We are being cared for and supported in so many amazing ways by so many amazing people. In the middle of all this chaos, I am blessed and I know it. That doesn’t mean I’m grateful that we’re walking this road, just that I can see some pretty rocks on the path in spite of the dark clouds and rain.

I’ll get through today and when tomorrow comes, I know I’ll be able to get through it as well.

Looking Forward

Angelica was allowed to go to her Grade 7 Farewell/Graduation Party yesterday.

Even in light of Judah’s birth, she was still quite excited about her party that night.

hairOur story seems to go before us everywhere we go and the labor and delivery ward at Women’s Hospital doesn’t seem to be any different. There was a woman who heard about us and she offered to do Angelica’s hair. We were so touched and blessed by her thoughtfulness. Yen had just delivered a baby the day before and yet still came into my room and did a fabulous job of Angelica’s hair.

It was pretty and yet funky and not over the top. Angelica looked so beautiful.

To say Thank You to this woman seems so insignificant and yet we truly are so SO overwhelmed with gratitude and we’re not sure how to adequately express our thankfulness. Just know that we are touched and blessed beyond words. Thank you!

Angelica looked beautiful and although I didn’t go with them….Geli and her dad headed out and made it to the school around 7pm. She got to see her friends. She got her certificate and she got to dance with her friends a little. It was a great night and one that will be a fabulous memory for Gelica. We are thankful to everyone who made this night possible….from dress making, to shoe shopping, to care of the siblings, to school staff, to ones who made dinner, to the Dr’s and nurses and hospital staff……. We are thankful that every detail was taken care of and that everything ran smoothly and that it all worked out for Geli to go.

geliI have more pictures that I’d like to post, but this post is more a request for prayer than it is an update…..

Angelica is taking a few medications and one of the side effects of two of them is that it can affect her blood sugars…..Unfortunately on Wednesday night, her blood sugar levels spiked and they didn’t come down as fast as we’d like. We are now waiting for her sugar levels to level out. If you could pray that everything would work the way it should and that we’d be able to go home tomorrow, we’d really appreciate that.

There was talk of Geli going home today, but it’s not going to happen and obviously, if she’s not in a good position to go home, then we want her to stay where it’s best for her but optimally, we’d love for her to be in a good place health wise to be able to come home.

We are making steps towards a home coming tomorrow, but something else that could throw a monkey wrench into that plan would be if Geli spiked a fever between now and then…..so we are looking for

1) Blood Sugar Stabilization
2) No infections, fevers, or any other illness

Also, please pray that she’ll continue to respond amazingly to the treatment plan that they have her on and that the chemo that she’s receiving today would do it’s job of killing the cancer cells and that the side effects would not bother her.

I feel like I have TON of things to update or post about and yet…..I’m tired.

My HUGE boy wants to eat and eat and eat and eat and I got almost no sleep last night. I’m exhausted! On top of a week of very little sleep….lets just say that “exhausted” is putting it mildly.

We will make it through this season. I am confident of this and yet that doesn’t make any of this easier, does it?

It all seems so surreal and yet entirely WAY TOO REAL!

I don’t even know where to go from here and so I’m stopping for now. I’ll try to post again a bit later.

Anticipation

I woke up on Saturday morning having some contractions.

In fact, even though they were not regular and increasing in intensity and length, I actually wondered if this might be the start of things. Especially when there were some “signs” that things might be progressing…….

Now, obviously all of the prep work that my body is doing is helping to get things ready for the “actual moment” but basically, I had irregular contractions ALL DAY on Saturday and by dinner time I figured that nothing was really happening and that I’d go to bed and either wake up in the middle of the night in full blown labour or I’d sleep till morning and carry on.

Yah, it was the second. And although I’d love to be holding my baby right now….I got a really god night of sleep – you know, until Siah came into my room on Sunday morning at 5:11am crying about the fact that the cookies were all gone.

Apparently, he woke up. Went downstairs. Looked for the Chocolate Chip cookies that I’d made on Friday. When he couldn’t find any, he was devastated and came upstairs crying about it.

I assured him that I’d just put them away and that there were lots left for him.

I honestly figured that he was AWAKE awake and that my day had started. But nope, after almost an hour of thrashing in the bed beside me he finally konked out until 7:20am. So, we got a tiny bit more sleep, which was nice.

But, to wake up on Sunday morning with……NOTHING! Nothing at all happening especially after wondering for the whole day on Saturday… Well, it feels a bit like a nasty tease. I know that it’ll happen soon enough and all these different signs are obviously leading up to the big day and I must just be patient.

I HATE being patient. I hate waiting for surprises. I hate delayed gratification.

At this point though, I have no choice, do I?

Lovely! Oh well, here goes another day hoping………..

Shifting Gears

Today was a down day and yet it was a great day, in it’s own way.

I got up this morning and get myself put together. In other words, I got dressed, did my hair and make up and had something to eat.

I find that when I do this (even if it feels stupid because I’m home by myself) “getting ready” helps me mentally set myself up for a better day. This is not to say that I don’t have days when I don’t “get ready” but more often than not I do “get ready” for the day.

I debated on driving Jon into work, but decided against it.

I’ve actually had quite a bit of Braxton Hicks over the past few days and while I hope they are getting my body ready to “do its thing” I’m actually quite tired. It’s a massive head trip, noticing that you’re having contractions, and not knowing if it’s the beginning of something or just a big tease.

In this case, serious tease and I’m tired of it.

So, I thought that I’d take a day to relax and spend some time on the couch; attempt to just chill out and get some rest.

Because I had no plans and because I’ve been working like a crazy woman to get my house tidy……I took some time this morning to just snuggle on the couch with Siah. It was nice to just enjoy some time with him as my baby, knowing that I don’t have this time for very much longer.

Then, he tired of the snuggles and we were off. He watched a movie on the computer in the kitchen while I made some playdoh.

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He’s been given some little tubs of Playdoh when we’ve gone to Ricky’s Restaurant but hasn’t had a chance to sit down and play with a decent sized clump of it and to just muck around. It ate up a bunch of time and he seemed to really enjoy himself. One thing that I noticed is that he wants or needs to be “shown” what to do. I’m hoping that with time and given the opportunity that he’ll start to want to “play” and “create” on his own.

We had lunch after that and then we sat back down on the couch. I figured that I could sit and cut some paper people and that it might entertain him.

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It was interesting for about the first 2 minutes and then…..well, then he ripped a head off one of the people and stressed out about it until I tapped it back on……

So, it took up some time, but not nearly as much as I’d have liked.

I’ve been trying to find some of the paint with water books that we used as kids and that I used with my older kids, but I haven’t seen any recently. I’m still looking though.

We did a bunch of painting….It’s funny how so many little kids paint in brown….all the colors mixed together. I hadn’t remembered that from when my other kids were little, but it’s funny how much of that comes back and so quickly.

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We painted until Siah had had enough and then moved on to making some cards. I got Siah to cut the straight lines with my paper cutter and to glue everything onto the cards.

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It’s been a busy day and yet a fairly quiet one.

I’m starting to shift gears. I remember when my days were filled with one craft or activity after another. It will be interesting to see how things “normalize” after the new baby comes.

I find that “this” being an at home mom is a little bit like riding a bike. I used to do this all the time and then life changed and I had to define a new normal. Now I have the chance or opportunity to do this again, but with more confidence and knowledge about where I’m headed and how long I’ll be there for. It’s makes it a little bit easier. I’ll have to keep this post handy to remind me of this when I’m back in the thick of it all and stressing.

But for now, things are okay. I’m okay. We’re slowly finding our groove….

And then it’s all going to change again, eh?

Reality Bites or does it???

I woke up yesterday morning COMPLETELY DISORIENTED.

I had no idea what day it was or what was I was supposed to be doing that day.

It took me a while to process through that I didn’t think it was Saturday or Sunday, but I wasn’t totally certain. I wondered if it was Thursday or Friday……but that just didn’t feel right. I finally figured out that I needed to get up and get ready for work and yet at that point, I still wasn’t sure what day we were at and I was getting more and more concerned at how “out of it” I was.

When I think back now, I had a great day on Monday and yet……..I couldn’t believe that when I woke up I was so unclear on my day’s and even worse, I couldn’t remember conversations that I had with Jon the night before. (I did remember them after being prompted, just not right away.)

I’m still not sure what the deal was – I do know that continuing on (at work) I had a bit of rough morning, feeling spacey and not “on the ball” like I usually am.

I’m taking this as a sign that I do need to slow things down. As much as I’d like to believe…..I’m not a superwoman and I really can’t do everything. REALITY BITES, eh?

Even without this little “moment” I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…..contemplative thinking, if you will.

I’m headed back into some an intense “Mothering Role” time and it’s got me thinking about all the things that I will be gaining and on the flip side of that all the things I’ll be losing.

Having a 13 year old daughter (that I adore) puts some of this into perspective, but there is still the excitement mixed with the feeling or sense of loss.

See, I’ve (for the most part) LOVED working for the past year and 4 months and in a few short weeks all of the sense of accomplishment and gratification of seeing things come together (in the work environment) to work and flow smoothly will be gone.

At that point, I focus a majority of my energy and attention more on raising my infant, 2 year old, 9 yr old, 11 yr old and 13 yr old. (Wow, that sounds like a lot of work, doesn’t it?)

While the raising of the children could be considered the noblest of jobs, I will be the first to admit that
it can take a while to “see” your efforts pay off and that delayed sense of accomplishment can be really discouraging. I look back now at the years spent investing in Angelica, Xandra, and Jeremy and I can see glimpses of the teenagers/adults they will become. I can see some of their strengths and some of their weaknesses and I look forward to the process of building deeper relationship with them where I can help to influence who they become and hopefully release them off into the world fully equipped with the skills needed to be amazing successful adults and contributing members of society. And yet……it’s a process and it takes YEARS. It’s not the same as looking back at your work week and seeing what you’ve managed to do and finish. And…..to be honest, there are time when that is so, SO gratifying.

I’m thrilled that I have the perspective of the past 13 years to look back on and to know that my efforts do pay off and to also know that this is a season and that I can relax and enjoy this time and not resent the days or times when it “feels” like I’ve accomplished nothing important.

I’m looking forward to my house being cleaner (that’s one thing that suffers some when I’m working), to meals being ready more on time, to being at home when the older 3 are finished school, to baking more, to being on top of laundry and grocery shopping, but mostly, I’m looking forward to spending more time with my kids.

This is the thing that excites me the most about this time.

I love my children and I enjoy the time that I spend with them. Okay, there are times when I just wanna send them away, but I choose to look at it as fostering a sense of independence, right??? (You can put a positive spin on almost anything if you try hard enough.) No, it’s not all a giant bed of roses, but I have this opportunity to focus on my job as a Mother and as much as I do feel a sense of loss regarding my status as a member of the “workforce”; I’m also so excited to be able to get back into a rhythm or groove with my kids and my home.

It’s going to take some time and I can see a definite adjustment period as we all learn to work with and around another personality joining us, but it’s going to be good, right?

Delicious Summer Evenings

I’m sitting up in my bedroom and my ceiling fan is on and it’s SO warm and the air is still and quiet and it’s…….heavenly.

I long for summer evenings like this. I know it’s not technically summer, but there is something about the warmth and the sun that makes things seem all better.

We came home this afternoon and I sat out in the sun for just over half an hour and I felt totally recharged. Well, as much as someone who is 30 weeks pregnant can feel energized and/or recharged.

We came inside and managed to re-arrange the TV Room to include some office space. Opening up the TV Room to accommodate some office stuff meant that we could clear out some of the stuff that we’ve been storing in our bedroom, thereby freeing up space that we need for the baby and more specifically the baby furniture.

In the process, I also managed to clear about 5 things off my “To Do List”.

I’ve got about 5 pages of “Things to do” (it’s double spaced, so it’s not like it’s a million things) and last night Jon and I sat down and put a time frame or time limit to each of the items. We are aiming to get the “important” things finished by the beginning of June and then there are some things that I’d like to get done but that aren’t critical and I can finish those during June as I’m counting down the days. There is nothing worse than just sitting around with NOTHING to do just waiting for the baby to come. I’ve done that and it SUCKS!

Well, time to put my boys to bed. Oh and By the way, I’ve loved hearing your movie favorites….if you haven’t shared, there is still time to chime in with your two cents.

ps. I love light movies like Sweet Home Alabama and Failure to Launch. I also LOVE action movies like FaceOff and the Transporter, and I even love the M. Night Shyalaman movies. I think that my least favorite movies are science fiction type movies. But, it all depends on my mood at any particular time as to which movie I choose to watch and re-watch.

Little Bits and Pieces

This whole ’bout with Measles is completely over and done with except for a few little bits and pieces……

….of dried, dead skin shedding on Siah’s litte tiny fingers.

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He’s spent a considerable time in this position over the past 2 weeks, picking at little pieces as he notices or sees or is bothered by them.

The very first symptom that we noticed on Siah was a rash on his hands….it seems that his hands were hit the absolute hardest out of all of this.

I did read that there could be some skin that shedded as a result of the rash associated with measles, and saw some pics on-line of these little kids with the skin on their torso’s peeling off and so I wasn’t completely shocked when his hands started peeling. The only other thing was that the skin on his torso felt like sand paper and so I do know that the rash basically burnt the layer of skin off. Not that it actually burnt it, but the rash destroyed the top layer of skin enough so that it needed to peel or rub off. We have been slathering cream on him, not in an attempt to “save the skin” but to ease any discomfort their might be as a result of dry skin.

His little hands have looked so cute and the look on his face has been so focused that I wanted to try and catch a picture of him……I got the hands, but try as I might (and I tried more than a few times) I could not capture the face….he just kept moving too quickly once I got my camera out.

I love grubby little boy hands.

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Sunshine for the Soul & the Baby Booties Giveaway

First I just want to say, a HUGE Thank you to you all who have commented and twittered recently. I appreciate the nice comments that you’ve made and it really made my day(s). You all rock!

I managed to get outside and sit in the sun this morning and it felt so amazing. I had to go inside eventually because my vampire like pale skin felt like it might burn and while I welcome a little color….red is not the color I have in mind. I gotta find me some sunscreen quickly. I felt like the sun was warming right into soul. What an amazing feeling!

I sat out there with my notebook, my personal calendar, my work calendar and scheduled out a bunch of stuff and managed to also fill in the rest of the months meal plans. That’s one thing that’s off my list of “things to do”. I tried to sit down with the kids this weekend, but…it didn’t work out. I did, however, get a bunch of other things planned, listed and on or off the “to-do” list and so on top of the soul warming experience – I also feel like I accomplished something. What a great feeling!

In a highly scientific manner, I chose 4 pieces of paper and wrote the names of the 4 baby bootie entries. I folded them identically and in such a way that we couldn’t tell, which was which and then I had Jon pick one. Normally I’d do a short video documenting the whole process so that you’d see just how I tried to make it all perfectly fair, but this time…you’re just gonna have to take my word for it. I’m too tired these days to fiddle with making a video and uploading it – You’re just all lucky that I remembered to actually do the giveaway today.

Anyway…….without further ado……..

The winner of her choice of booties is…………Lise!

Send me your address or gimme a call and I’ll either mail the booties to you or we can make a plan to get together. (My vote is for the latter – if it works out for you.)

A Big Thanks to Debbie, Courtney and Cara for playing along. You guys rock!