Jon sent me to Starbucks to get away from the house and kids for an hour or so on Saturday morning and while I avoided writing anything for the first hour, I figured that I should at least try to work out some of the crap that is banging around inside of me……..
I’m sitting in Starbucks feeling like I should at the very least attempt to put my thoughts down onto paper.
I’ve been so all over the place recently and it’s frustrating me.
I want to be able to talk about how I’m feeling and why, but every time I think about what I want to say it all comes across whiney and needy and I hate that.
The church that Jon works for is going through a tough patch and he’s not gotten paid in the last month and while we’ve managed to scrape up some funds from small tech jobs here and there……it’s only just been barely enough to cover the bills AND he’s been crazy busy trying to juggle everything.
I have been SO FRIED from this past year and I was really REALLY hoping that I’d get the summer to be able to rest and recuperate and instead of having a slower paced life and more time with Jon….I’ve had more heaped on me and less time with him…..that part sounds like whining – I know…..but I love Jon…I love being with Jon….I love talking with him and working things out with him. We work so well together as a team…and this past year has stressed and strained us so much! We are okay! We are dealing with “ALL THIS”, but I miss him so badly and I desperately wish that we had some time with each other….but it’s not really happening right now.
And now….this whole post has gotten de-railed for me because I feel bad for whining about my problems and issues when there are people out there who would give anything to be in my shoes…..
I guess it shouldn’t be de-railed because I still have a ton of other issues in my life, and I’m not really sure who would want to trade for those…
I guess what I’m saying is that no one’s life is perfect and I’d give grace to someone else who was complaining about their life and the tough things that they were going through and so why shouldn’t I expect that others would treat me the same way?
I guess this all goes back to m not wanting to bother people….I struggle with that so much. I don’t want to talk about how tough my life is when I know that others are struggling with their lives and yet, why am I okay with them having issues and talking about it?
I dunno. Any thoughts?
Another thing that is weighing heavy on me is the whole Autism/Aspergers thing with Jeremy. I’m terrified of not getting a diagnosis and yet when going through this process – you must come face to face with all the negative aspects of this “syndrome” or “disorder” and well…..it’s pretty negative.
To have to list down on paper all the areas that your child struggles with, to have to admit that it’s pretty bad……to see what is considered “normal” or “neuro-typical” and to see that your child is not even anywhere close that that ideal……. When, over the past 10 years, you’ve come up with coping mechanisms and put measures into play to structure your lives so that you can pre-empt the negative aspects of this “disorder” but then to realize that it’s “not normal” to have to live like that…its tough!
What’s even harder is when your child is desperate to be around people and yet they don’t realize that their actions make people uncomfortable……..and aside from explaining to people (most of whom don’t care or understand or care to understand) that your son has……..has what???? He’s not been officially diagnosed and then I’m right back at the whole, “I’m terrified that he’s not going to get diagnosed and we’re going to have to do all of “THIS” by ourselves” and I know that at this exact moment I don’t have all the answers that we need to help him be the most successful person that he could become…….it just about destroys me!
On top of that, I’ve been noticing that Siah is displaying some of the symptoms of being on the Autistic Spectrum…..it’s difficult to get him to look you in the eye. He is very literal. He doesn’t do a lot of pretend play. He has melt downs when things aren’t exactly as he expects them to be (I’m not just talking about typical 3 year old behaviour)….He is less understanding of social situations than “normal” kids…..and although he doesn’t seem to struggle as badly as Jeremy does….he’s only 3! This means that he’s not in a lot of the same social situations that we see Jeremy struggling in.
We were supposed to get a call in July to book an appointment in August for Jeremy and I’ve not heard anything yet. So I did call in to our case worker on Friday, but…..she only works on Tuesdays and Wednesday’s and so I’ve got to wait until Tuesday before I hear back from her……GAH! I’m so sick of waiting.
I really wanted to get this dealt with BEFORE Jeremy went back to school so that he could get started on the right foot and not be struggling from behind……..I’m still hoping that we are still on track for an August Appointment for Jeremy.
Well, After all of that…..I’m outta time. I’ve got to head home back to the masses. I’m just gonna post this for tomorrow and hope that if it comes across poorly, that you’ll all just have grace for me…..well, cause if you don’t, I’ll just cry. I might just cry anyway!
GAH! I don’t really feel like I’ve worked anything out inside of myself and I hate that……
I do believe that I’ll be okay….that we’ll be okay but I’m tired! I’m tired of feeling like I’m fighting for everything……I just want a moment…..a moment where I’m not struggling or fighting. I just want a moment to breathe…..
just a note to say hi and i am thinking of you
patti i for one do not see your posts as whining…EVER…i see a woman/mother/wife who is being open and honest about her struggles and i for one appreciate your honesty-thank you…in our hearts and prayers…. love in Christ your friend Tammy Goertzen
I never, ever see your posts as whining. I see them as a struggle that you are consistently winning. All the things that are thrown at you… and you overcome them. You are not only overcoming them, but doing so with grace and dignity and love.
One of my 4 year olds has just recently started to pretend play. He is quite literal. He doesn’t seem to understand social situations as well as his twin brother. He melts down when things aren’t going his way. Just today I spent a great deal of time helping him work through the destruction of a toy soldier. It was such an issue that I sent the rest of the family down to the pool (we’re on vacation) so I could deal with it without the pressure of an audience waiting on us. His eye contact his much better and he is actually engaging people and making friends. (I could just CRY tears of happiness about that!)
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that Corey doesn’t have autism. I thought he might. I freaked out that he might. Being a therapist, I saw all the signs long before my husband or family did. They thought I was nuts. I knew something wasn’t right. Corey has Sensory Processing Disorder. Technically, it’s on the spectrum, but then again, so is ADD and every single person on the planet these days has that! (Can you see me rolling my eyes in sarcasm??? lol)
SPD does look like autism, especially in the beginning. The great part about it is that Corey is going to be fine. He’s a bit delayed socially, but he’ll catch up. We cope. Like you, we have a gazillion little coping techniques that we don’t even realize we are doing. Academically, he’s finally caught up to his brother, Keegan. Instead of serious, hours+ meltdowns several times a day, we’re down to just one a week and lasting, at most, 15-20 minutes. Just today, my fil was commenting that he can finally stand to be around Corey because he’s so much better. (Yes… he really did say it quite like that, but he means well and it was a compliment… sort of… and he might have had a bit too much to drink at the time… but that’s just my father in law for you.)
Anyway, I don’t mean to write a book. I just wanted to let you know I understand. I understand the deep-rooted fear and certainty that something isn’t quite right and wanting to know, and not wanting to know, all at the same time. It’s just like the post you wrote about a second child getting sick and the fear that it might be something more. When one child is effected with something on the autism spectrum, you freak (or at least I did) when you start to see anything that resembles it in another child. My friend in California is going through this right now as well. Her oldest has moderate autism and her younger son shows a few things here and there. Terrifies her. She’s pregnant with her 6th child now… amazing woman, like you. You are an amazing woman too.
Okay… now I’ve written a book. Sorry. I just wanted you to look at Sensory Processing Disorder. It has autistic traits but it’s not autism. It’s not even Asperger’s. I would hate to refer to SPD as “easy” but I often count my blessings with Corey and realize it could be so much harder.
You are a brave and fearsome wife and mother… but a whiner… nope. Not ever! : )
Hi Patti,
You are on my heart and no, you aren’t whining. I too have been struggling with our own life issues. We need to remember that God is our comfort and strength and BELIEVE that. You are a good mom. I wish we lived closer so that we could get together and talk face to face ;0) I was down your way last weekend, and did think of you as I passed through Langley :0)